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By with Leslie Landon Matthews Jo When Children Grieve - For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and O
"Once in a generation, a book comes along that alters the way society views a topic. When Children Grieve is an essential primer for parents and others who interact with children on a regular basis." — Bernard McGrane, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology, Chapman University and U.C. Irvine The first—and definitive—guide to helping children really deal with loss from the authors of the The Grief Recovery Handbook Following deaths, divorces, pet loss, or the confusion of major relocation, many adults tell their children “don’t feel bad.” In fact, say the authors of the bestselling The Grief Recovery Handbook , feeling bad or sad is precisely the appropriate emotion attached to sad events. Encouraging a child to bypass grief without completion can cause unseen long-term damage. When Children Grieve helps parents break through the misinformation that surrounds the topic of grief. It pinpoints the six major myths that hamper children in adapting to life’s inevitable losses. Practical and compassionate, it guides parents in creating emotional safety and spells out specific actions to help children move forward successfully.
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First published May 1, 2001
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
February 13, 2011
This was a good book for a basic discussion of grieving children and the issues they need to cope with in order to healthily deal with their grief. I liked aspects of it, for helping children process their relationships and emotions. My major complaints were:
1. It is very focused on death and dying, and not applicable to wider losses and instances of grief. Although moving and divorce, for example, are covered, it is only very briefly and not with enough detail to be really helpful. I read the book partly to understand children's reactions to grief as a result of adoption/foster care, and this was not addressed at all.
2. Developmental differences in how children understand death, communicate, and cope with grief were hardly addressed at all. While the authors point out that a 4 year-old, 9 year-old, and 14 year-old write/say different things, they barely address different developmental understandings of the permanency of death, and then only in one of the final chapters of the book. Meanwhile, they often note that we respond differently to an infant's tears than to a school-aged child's tears.
3. I wished for more explicit instructions for how to support children dealing with grief. In a lengthy discussion of children processing their relationships, for example, the authors don't ever suggest how to initiate conversations with children about their loss. A sample dialogue between the parents and child would have been helpful, rather than just a list of the things that children need to deal with in order to cope with their grief.
4. As a carry-over to the above, simple techniques like having a photo of the dead person/pet or old house were not even mentioned. Essentially no rituals for support were mentioned. In fact, the only concrete method of support I could really see in the book was writing a letter to the deceased person, something not really developmentally appropriate for a young child. This would not be a book I could recommend to anyone looking for concrete ways to support a grieving child.
1. It is very focused on death and dying, and not applicable to wider losses and instances of grief. Although moving and divorce, for example, are covered, it is only very briefly and not with enough detail to be really helpful. I read the book partly to understand children's reactions to grief as a result of adoption/foster care, and this was not addressed at all.
2. Developmental differences in how children understand death, communicate, and cope with grief were hardly addressed at all. While the authors point out that a 4 year-old, 9 year-old, and 14 year-old write/say different things, they barely address different developmental understandings of the permanency of death, and then only in one of the final chapters of the book. Meanwhile, they often note that we respond differently to an infant's tears than to a school-aged child's tears.
3. I wished for more explicit instructions for how to support children dealing with grief. In a lengthy discussion of children processing their relationships, for example, the authors don't ever suggest how to initiate conversations with children about their loss. A sample dialogue between the parents and child would have been helpful, rather than just a list of the things that children need to deal with in order to cope with their grief.
4. As a carry-over to the above, simple techniques like having a photo of the dead person/pet or old house were not even mentioned. Essentially no rituals for support were mentioned. In fact, the only concrete method of support I could really see in the book was writing a letter to the deceased person, something not really developmentally appropriate for a young child. This would not be a book I could recommend to anyone looking for concrete ways to support a grieving child.
June 9, 2023
I am a big fan of GRM and am even a certified specialist. There's a lot to be said about the elements and process - and utilizing them with children is fantastic. That said, I really did not like how this book was laid out. I feel like it wasn't very clear in comparing to the handbook itself - and it is tough as a stand-alone for those not already familiar with the process. It is also extremely repetitive, and stories seem to go on and on. I'd still recommend it as it definitely has value. I'd probably give this a 3.5
March 12, 2023
başlangıçta yas sürecinin biricikliğine yaptığı vurgu ile umutlandırsa da zamanla adeta "yastan iyileşme atölyesi"ne dönüştü. kayıp ve yasa dair mitleri, başkalarının bu süreçlerdeki yanlışlarını göstermek konusunda oldukça iyi olmasına rağmen kendi doğrularını iyi açıklayamamış ya da basitçe, daha iyi şeyler söylememişler. bir de o kadar çok tekrara düşülmüş ki bir noktada aynı örneği defalarca vermeme kararı almış olsalarmış kitabın ortalama seksen sayfası yazılmazmış herhalde.
July 15, 2025
Ok so I had to read this for a training at work but honestly this was super insightful and informative. It helps you to examine a lot of the different things we may have learned or picked up about grief and emotions as a kid, and then gives you practical ways and techniques to help fix those and help children in your life to not learn those things. I would recommend it for anyone who wants to learn more about processing loss, grief, or trauma
June 20, 2025
I read this book with my coworkers as we did a 4 week Helping Children with Loss training. The book had good guidance for parents and supporting their children through grief. I also felt the book did a nice job normalizing grief reactions instead of pathologizing. Gave it 3 stars because the book felt redundant in many parts.
May 10, 2018
When I was six, my baby sister died and I have never really dealt with this. Her death was never talked about and it was only years later, as an adult, that I talked to someone about this – the someone was a counsellor who I was seeing as my Mum was terminally ill and I had no understanding of how to deal with my emotions relating to loss. The counselling sessions did help me but I am still badly affected by these, and other, losses that I haven’t dealt with properly.
When I became a Dad, it was essential to me that I would support my son with any grief he will experience in his life.
(At this stage, I was angry with my parents for not helping their six-year-old son (me) at a time of such major grief and I wanted to do a better job with my son – as a little boy, I blamed myself for my sister’s death and I never had one of my parents explain that it wasn’t my fault. I felt that I should have protected her, although I now understand that I couldn’t have protected her from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).
I carried out some research and found When Children Grieve. Reading this book has had such an impact on me that I’m sure I will be able to support my son in the future but it has also helped me understand a lot of personal issues that have troubled me since that first loss.
The book flows at a steady pace that is easy to follow, with clear examples of different experiences of loss and ways of supporting people through the loss (including a number of myths that don’t help).
Shortly after my sister died, my family moved house, I lost contact with all of my friends and ‘replaced’ them with new friends in a different place – this happened several times and I eventually stopped making any effort to make new friends. I was aware of my parents drifting apart but this was never talked about. Any time a loved one died, I simply didn’t talk about the loss and I tried to be strong, as I believed was expected by this stage.
When I started reading the myths in When Children Grieve, I became aware of just how many of them I had fallen victim to!
Myth 1: Don’t feel bad – it is natural to feel bad about loss! It’s also natural to express it and I will help my son with this when the time comes.
Myth 2: Replace the loss – I now realise this is what I was doing when making friends in new places. There was a section of this chapter that really sounded like my experience of this!
Myth 3: Grieve alone – personally, I tried not to grieve at all because I thought this was the way loss was meant to be dealt with, which leads on to…
Myth 4: Be strong – my parents were trying to be strong when my sister died, they just didn’t realise that I was also trying to be strong for them, which no six-year-old child should really be doing. The anger I mentioned before, isn’t there now, I understand that my parents were trying to do what they thought was best – based on mistaken information they had been given in the past about grief, no doubt.
Myth 5: Keep busy – this has never really applied to me (although I did read a lot of fantasy and science fiction books, which may have been a form of distraction – I was praised for my reading as a child). My parents moved house and ran businesses several times and, with hindsight, I think they were trying to keep busy to not dwell on the loss of their baby and also on the loss of their relationship.
Myth 6: Time heals all wounds – after decades of grief, this section helped me see that time does not heal all wounds, action is required and I will help my son with this.
The book goes on to provide so much helpful information that I can’t list it all here! There is lots of detail (backed up with examples) about how to move from grief to recovery. The book has really left me feeling that I can support my son (and other loved ones) understand grief; move from grief to recovery and; help them with ‘completing’ unfinished or undelivered emotions/conversations (the book goes into great detail on this topic, with good reason). There are plenty of examples to help you understand what this process looks like when it is done well.
On a personal level, this book has helped me realise a number of unresolved issues that are still there and I have ordered a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, to help me work through this.
In conclusion, I would definitely recommend this book to any parent or guardian who is caring for a child who has recently experienced loss (this could be the death of a person or a pet, the loss of a prized possession, moving house, personal injury or illness, the end of a relationship, changing school or the end of school etc.). I would go further and suggest that all parents and guardians are likely to benefit from reading this – your child will almost certainly experience the trauma of loss at some point and I think it’s better to have prepared yourself by reading this book before that happens – if nothing else, you can understand the harmful myths (“don’t feel bad”, “be strong” etc.) that you might instinctively rely on in times of grief.
When I became a Dad, it was essential to me that I would support my son with any grief he will experience in his life.
(At this stage, I was angry with my parents for not helping their six-year-old son (me) at a time of such major grief and I wanted to do a better job with my son – as a little boy, I blamed myself for my sister’s death and I never had one of my parents explain that it wasn’t my fault. I felt that I should have protected her, although I now understand that I couldn’t have protected her from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).
I carried out some research and found When Children Grieve. Reading this book has had such an impact on me that I’m sure I will be able to support my son in the future but it has also helped me understand a lot of personal issues that have troubled me since that first loss.
The book flows at a steady pace that is easy to follow, with clear examples of different experiences of loss and ways of supporting people through the loss (including a number of myths that don’t help).
Shortly after my sister died, my family moved house, I lost contact with all of my friends and ‘replaced’ them with new friends in a different place – this happened several times and I eventually stopped making any effort to make new friends. I was aware of my parents drifting apart but this was never talked about. Any time a loved one died, I simply didn’t talk about the loss and I tried to be strong, as I believed was expected by this stage.
When I started reading the myths in When Children Grieve, I became aware of just how many of them I had fallen victim to!
Myth 1: Don’t feel bad – it is natural to feel bad about loss! It’s also natural to express it and I will help my son with this when the time comes.
Myth 2: Replace the loss – I now realise this is what I was doing when making friends in new places. There was a section of this chapter that really sounded like my experience of this!
Myth 3: Grieve alone – personally, I tried not to grieve at all because I thought this was the way loss was meant to be dealt with, which leads on to…
Myth 4: Be strong – my parents were trying to be strong when my sister died, they just didn’t realise that I was also trying to be strong for them, which no six-year-old child should really be doing. The anger I mentioned before, isn’t there now, I understand that my parents were trying to do what they thought was best – based on mistaken information they had been given in the past about grief, no doubt.
Myth 5: Keep busy – this has never really applied to me (although I did read a lot of fantasy and science fiction books, which may have been a form of distraction – I was praised for my reading as a child). My parents moved house and ran businesses several times and, with hindsight, I think they were trying to keep busy to not dwell on the loss of their baby and also on the loss of their relationship.
Myth 6: Time heals all wounds – after decades of grief, this section helped me see that time does not heal all wounds, action is required and I will help my son with this.
The book goes on to provide so much helpful information that I can’t list it all here! There is lots of detail (backed up with examples) about how to move from grief to recovery. The book has really left me feeling that I can support my son (and other loved ones) understand grief; move from grief to recovery and; help them with ‘completing’ unfinished or undelivered emotions/conversations (the book goes into great detail on this topic, with good reason). There are plenty of examples to help you understand what this process looks like when it is done well.
On a personal level, this book has helped me realise a number of unresolved issues that are still there and I have ordered a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, to help me work through this.
In conclusion, I would definitely recommend this book to any parent or guardian who is caring for a child who has recently experienced loss (this could be the death of a person or a pet, the loss of a prized possession, moving house, personal injury or illness, the end of a relationship, changing school or the end of school etc.). I would go further and suggest that all parents and guardians are likely to benefit from reading this – your child will almost certainly experience the trauma of loss at some point and I think it’s better to have prepared yourself by reading this book before that happens – if nothing else, you can understand the harmful myths (“don’t feel bad”, “be strong” etc.) that you might instinctively rely on in times of grief.
August 29, 2009
Very good, I would recommend all to read this book. At some point, all children will go through the grieving process, whether it be loss of a grandparent or other family member, loss of a pet, divorce, moving, etc. There is a natural order to grieving and knowing the process will help you to help the child in your life.
August 4, 2013
I read this book with the hopes that I would learn some new things for our foster child in regards to losing contact with parents. I would have liked more on loss, but it was good. It made me feel good about how we handled my children's grief when my mom died. We still have adventures ahead of us in regards to grief and loss, and his book gave me some good tips.
June 19, 2009
Very good book, Highly recommend reading for any parent. Children go through losses and it is helpful to know how to help them to deal with it.
March 2, 2014
A very healing book! I bought it for my kids but ended up benefiting on a personal level. I liked how the authors dispelled grief myths and acknowledged loss as being 100%.
March 24, 2023
I had to read this book as it went along with a professional development that I was asked to attend for my high school. After just loosing my mom, I was interested in the topic of this book. I have to teach myself how to grieve so how am I supposed to help my children grieve? That was a question that I have been struggling with. I lost one of the most important people in my life and one that I struggle not having daily in my life anymore, how is it even possible for me to help my 3 young sons in the loss of their nana? This book offered so much insight on how to approach things when discussing death and how we move on with our grief. We grow around it and it's a part of our lives from the moment it happens, we just have to figure out life with it. We can close certain chapters and feel a little better but we will still have a hole missing that we learn how to live with. Those are hard words to say because I never want to live without my mom. That seems so wrong in so many ways.
This book talks about different types of losses though, not just death...divorce, a move, relationships, etc. It's interesting to see how all of these things could change a child or even an adult. We don't think of a divorce leaving us in grief but it's a part of our lives that we have to deal with and grow around. We lost something that we can't get back and we have to figure out life around that item.
It was a very interesting course and I'm glad that I read the book. It really did give some great insight on how to help children and adults through situations that we really don't want to go through but are part of our lives.
This book talks about different types of losses though, not just death...divorce, a move, relationships, etc. It's interesting to see how all of these things could change a child or even an adult. We don't think of a divorce leaving us in grief but it's a part of our lives that we have to deal with and grow around. We lost something that we can't get back and we have to figure out life around that item.
It was a very interesting course and I'm glad that I read the book. It really did give some great insight on how to help children and adults through situations that we really don't want to go through but are part of our lives.
March 13, 2025
This was okay but felt repetitive at times. My only issue comes from a Christian perspective which is regarding the letters or speaking to the dead to apologize or ask forgiveness-or the one scene regarding moving where they thank the room for shelter, warmth, good memories etc. It’s creepy in an idolatry type of way in my mind (like one is praying to the dead or to an inanimate thing i.e a living room) rather I think taking those apologies and need for forgiveness to God in prayer is a proper way to handle it or just saying to another person the incomplete feelings that need apologies or forgiveness out loud. It was an acceptable read. But I don’t agree with methods of releasing those apologies and emotional statements to the dead rather take it to God.
May 5, 2022
This is a companion book to the adult book Grief Recovery. So, there are gifts to reading and doing one and the other.
I found this book to offer prompts about daily life and reminders in teaching moments. I wonder how much the Pandemic has given people the option to help young people, rather family or friends or in community consider the beginning, middle and end of lots of things.
Being free of things that take up thought time or feelings in stagnation is a thing.
The available ah-ha's are with it.
Either book makes a good gift, not just in response to major events of grief or loss.
I found this book to offer prompts about daily life and reminders in teaching moments. I wonder how much the Pandemic has given people the option to help young people, rather family or friends or in community consider the beginning, middle and end of lots of things.
Being free of things that take up thought time or feelings in stagnation is a thing.
The available ah-ha's are with it.
Either book makes a good gift, not just in response to major events of grief or loss.
November 7, 2018
Not as helpful as I'd hope. It started off well describing the varied reactions of children to the loss of a parent. Then the authors spent the rest of the book describing loss of pet, grandparent, divorce, moving. Spent very little time on the loss of a parent which I'm sorry IS more significant the all of the other losses for most children. The author is right, you can't compare loosing a pet to loosing your mother/father. In the end I atleast was able to get some talking points to help my grandson grieve his mom and talk about it.
February 20, 2023
I read this after reading The Grief Recovery Handbook, and I liked this one even more. Somehow it is more complete, maybe because it helps you understand the inner child by helping to understand children. This is also good if you are trying to help adults in your life who are emotionally immature due to mental health, disabilities, etc., and need a more delicate approach. The section on death and not using Euphemisms or metaphors can be especially helpful dealing with any aged person on the spectrum. Very helpful.
July 9, 2025
This is a hard book because it requires action and understanding from the reader. However, if you care for any children who will ever experience change, loss, or suffering, please read this book. If you or someone you know is carrying pain from the past or has a wounded inner child; read this book. While reading it acquire a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. If you can, find someone trained in this method to help you. It will heal and equip you for so many aspects of life, relationships, and loss.
May 29, 2019
This book is not meant to be a quick read. It gives you a lot to chew on and work through. I originally bought it to help my kids through the loss of a beloved pet, but I see now I need to help my kids work through much more than that now. The book has fantastic insight on divorce and moves. I highly recommend this book for ANY CHANGE a child is dealing with, including remarriage and the birth of a new sibling.
October 4, 2020
Thank you for writing this book. I suggest any one who is a parent or an adult child ready to be parents to read this book. It is all about allowing a safe space to share emotions and feelings without fear or judgement. It helps us complete the pain and let go. As a parent of four children it has opened my eyes to being the leader in opening discussions that deal with grief, loss and sad events and to not hold back on my true emotions.
December 4, 2021
This book help me understand the different kinds of grief and how deeply children experience it. It is a reminder that grief is a subjective feeling and that everyone grieves differently. I appreciated the book talking about different techniques that can be used with children in order to grieve whatever they have lost and how as adults we can be a support this. I recommend this book to any therapist working with children who have experienced loss as well as parents.
September 1, 2022
I highly recommend this book to anyone wanting advice and support in helping children through loss. I have recommended this book to other moms wanting advice about how to tell their children about pet loss, death of relatives, moving, and their parents getting divorced. It is definitely not a book for children to read, and is the most helpful one I've found for helping adults be less confused or scared about talking to children about death and other difficult topics.
May 8, 2023
I can not recommend this book enough as an essential read for all parents. It walks through things to say to your kids to prepare them in advance of loss and as it is happening. In terms of its relativeness to loss, it can be the loss of a home (moving), or friends, or even a pet. It is something that is relative to all parents… not just those who have lost a loved one.
February 11, 2025
A must for anyone who works in a school.
This book challenges you to complete with any unresolved grief you may have regarding your own losses in life while also providing you with the confidence and tools to support children through their losses.
Everyone should be a heart with ears!
This book challenges you to complete with any unresolved grief you may have regarding your own losses in life while also providing you with the confidence and tools to support children through their losses.
Everyone should be a heart with ears!
March 30, 2021
This book so an excellent guide for anyone supporting children through challenge, either grief, trauma, or the daily struggles of life. Engaging stories help with the pace, and important concepts are repeated to keep the reader focused. Recommend for anyone working with children or parenting.
September 21, 2021
I thought it was very well written although it seems more geared for younger kids. My daughter is 16 and her best friend died while I was reading the book.
It affirmed what I was doing right, taught me how to pivot and consider things I hadn’t previously.
It affirmed what I was doing right, taught me how to pivot and consider things I hadn’t previously.
April 23, 2024
I highly recommend this book to parents, guardians, and teachers for how children and teens process grief. After dispelling common myths about grief, the authors expand on a method to help children and teens process unresolved issues with loss.
September 9, 2024
This was pretty basic, but had good reminders. There were certain aspects of grief I didn’t agree with though (ex. forgiveness releases us from pain). The beginning of the book was more beneficial than the end.
October 15, 2024
Nonfiction? Who is she? This is the book I read for the class I just finished. I think the info in this book will be instrumental in helping the children in my life with loss. It’s a pretty quick read and although the content is heavy, the writing is easily digestible.
March 22, 2025
I read this book for my work with children. It was a good guide, especially when it talked about the myths or falsehoods we pass on to children. I did not agree with their conception and discussion about forgiveness.
April 17, 2020
Great method to use to help kids and adults through hard things.
July 11, 2021
I was not a fan of the structure. It assumed that I was very forgetful. However I enjoyed the concepts.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews