Lessons for Living: What Only Adversity Can Teach You

by Phil Stutz

Profound essays that cut through the messiness of life to help you get the good from the bad—by famed therapist Phil Stutz, the New York Times bestselling co-author of The Tools and subject of the Netflix documentary Stutz
 
“Is there another way? Can you live life with its conflicts, uncertainties, and disappointments and somehow feel good about yourself? You can. But it requires a completely new orientation.”
 
There are issues, and there are issues—love, loss, success, failure, hope, regret, life, death. How can we even begin to think clearly about dilemmas so universally confounding? Phil Stutz has spent his life pondering the big challenges that we all face, and this profound book puts the conclusions he’s reached at your fingertips.
 
Stutz has been writing these remarkably insightful short essays since the late 1990s, which are collected here for the first time, along with new insights specific to the unique challenges of today. Each one will change the way you think, but taken all together, this book becomes something far more than the sum of its a compendium of human experience and knowledge that will reframe your worldview. There are hard truths here—the acknowledgment that life is full of pain and not a single one of us is special enough to escape it—but we need to understand and accept them in order to realize our full potential.
 
While The Tools explains the general concepts and five specific practices that Stutz employs in treatment, Lessons for Living addresses real-world circumstances, such as the needs of children, rising above envy, defeating your bad habits, the positive side of anger, and facing insecurities, offering a new way to think about life itself.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Philosophy, Audiobook, Spirituality, Health

191 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 28, 2023

About the author

Phil Stutz graduated from City College in New York and received his MD from New York University. He worked as a prison psychiatrist on Rikers Island and then in private practice in New York before moving his practice to Los Angeles in 1982.

Reviews

[Brian Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book might be as close as anyone who hasn’t worked with Phil directly will get to working 1-on-1 with him.

“Maybe you’re here because you read The Tools or because you saw me in the Netflix documentary called Stutz. I’ve become known as the psychiatrist to the stars, a description that bothers me as much as it likely bothers you. The best thing I can do to refute that misconception is to tell you what I’ve learned as a psychiatrist over the last forty years. Along the way, with my partner, Barry Michels, I developed a new kind of psychotherapy. It differs from the old model in one crucial respect: it works. …

Therapy, without faith in higher forces, is likely to leave you feeling worse than before. Working on yourself doesn’t have to be selfish. If you do, you have more energy, not less. That energy will transform the world.

This book shows you how and why.”

-Phil Stutz from Lessons for Living

I love Phil Stutz.

No human being has had a more profound impact on my life than Phil.

I consider him my spiritual father and feel blessed to have had nearly 450 1-on-1 coaching sessions with him over the last seven years—nearly every single week for seven years and twice a week for two of those years.

My collection of notes from those discussions is, by far, my most prized and valuable possession. If you told me I could have that stack of 1,500+ pages of notes or the thousands of books in my library, I’d take my notes with Phil in an instant.

As I was reading this book, I was struck by the fact that this might be as close as anyone who hasn’t worked with Phil directly will get to working 1-on-1 with him.

The Tools and Coming Alive are both great books.

But this is something different.

It’s pure Phil.

The book is packed with Big Ideas on how to embrace, as per the sub-title of the book, “What Only Adversity Can Teach You.”

I’m excited to share a few of my favorites that explore themes he and I have revisited many times in our 1-on-1 work together but weren’t discussed in his prior books—from his “philosophy of action” to his “three disciplines.”

If you’re a fan of Phil, I think you will absolutely LOVE the book.

Some of my favorite big ideas from this book include:

1. Just an Illusion - Here’s the reality.
2. Laws of Action - Knowing by doing.
3. A Model Relationship - Looks like this.
4. The Three Disciplines - Forging antifragile confidence.

P.S. Phil wrote the foreword to my book Areté: Activate Your Heroic Potential. You can read or listen to it as part of the ebook and audiobook samples at https://heroic.us/arete

P.P.S. I’ve also added Lessons for Living by Phil Stutz to my collection of Philosopher’s Notes--distilling the Big Ideas into 6-page PDF and 20-minute MP3s on 600+ of the BEST self-development books ever. You can get access to all of those plus a TON more over at https://heroic.us.

[Susie Stangland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow!! Have already been telling all about this book and shared on SM!! For a friend who only listens to audiobooks I said I will buy you this audiobook when it comes out. I began thinking oh I’ll highlight this or I will highlight that and then realized I would be highlighting the enter book! The Pub Date is Nov 28 which is perfect right in thick of the most meaningful season yet one that is filled with unrealistic expectations expectations, comparisons at an all time high and a reliance on the OUTER world which while yes I am festive with the best of them, I remind myself frequently and this book will help to tend the inner world too. This book provides excellent encouragement for that pursuit and solid explanations as to why.

[Alyssa McKendry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this book in a day lol but it’s super short and a great read! There are some very valuable lessons this book discusses which are honestly so important for every single person to understand.

Quotes I liked:

“In short the nature of reality is this…
1. Life includes pain and adversity.
2. The future is uncertain.
3. Accomplishment of any kind requires discipline.
4. You are not special. No matter what you do, you cannot avoids these aspects of life (for those of you that are sensitive, the author doesn’t mean it as you don’t matter, he means it more like you are not the center of the universe and everything that we are is in part because of other people who are all functioning as part of a larger collective).
5. This will never change.

“There is love, joy, surprise, transcendence, and creativity as well, but these never occur separately from the above five points.”

“…We are saying our judgments should dictate the nature of reality, and that there’s nothing higher than our thoughts. The moment we think we’re that important, we lose sight of anything bigger than us.”

This was a great beach read for me (because of length not because it’s cute and fluffy) and would highly recommend this book to everyone honestly lol

[Paula · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dit zijn drie redenen om het boek te lezen:
💚 Het is heel laagdrempelig omdat het makkelijk geschreven is en het korte hoofdstukken heeft. Niet zo intimiderend dus! Een goed instapboek in dit genre.
💚 Je leert van alles over allerlei onderwerpen - van liefde en trauma tot succes en omgaan met mislukkingen. Hierdoor weet je beter waarover je in de toekomst misschien meer wilt lezen.
💚 Het is heel praktisch. Er staan veel voorbeelden en oefeningen in. Altijd handig.

Wat ik vond 👇🏼
Ik geef het boek denk ik 3 sterren. Persoonlijk vond ik het allemaal een tikje té Amerikaans, maar af en toe schudde Phil de boel wel lekker op. Het zet je aan tot nadenken en ik moet zeggen dat ik dit genre toch ten onrechte ooit heb afgeschreven! Door dit boek las ik over onderwerpen waar ik best meer over wil weten - zo staan er interessante stukken in over de werkelijkheid vs. je droomwereld en krijg je een flinke reality check. Kortom: ik denk dat ik hierna nog wel eens een zelfhulpboek wil lezen. 📖

[Erin McMahon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh not for me

[Wouter Zwemmer · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Samengevat is dit de werkelijkheid:
- Pijn en tegenslag horen bij het leven
- De toekomst is onzeker
- Om iets te bereiken is discipline nodig
- We zijn niet uitzonderlijk. Ook al doen we ons best, we kunnen niet ontkomen aan deze aspecten van het leven
- Dit zal altijd zo blijven.
Liefde, vreugde, verrassing, transcendentie en creativiteit bestaan, maar nooit zonder de vijf bovenstaande feiten.”

Aantekeningen voor mezelf gemaakt. Eén grote spoiler.

Volgens Stutz is een ideaal leven zonder rimpelingen een illusie. Mensen profileren zich graag zo, maar hun echte leven is anders. Leven is een proces, bewegend en chaotisch; het geïdealiseerde leven is statisch, staat stil, is oppervlakkig en doods. “Als het lot is geweven uit een reeks gebeurtenissen, is mentale gezondheid het vermogen om ons lot met enthousiasme te accepteren.” Stutz’ “filosofie van gebeurtenissen is als volgt:
- Tegenslagen horen bij het leven
- Het bestaan ervan betekent niet dat er iets mis is met ons
- Elk nadeel heeft zijn voordeel
- Het ontwikkelen van mentale vaardigheden is belangrijker dan succes.”

Dankbaarheid
Negatief denken is een onderdeel van onze psyche. Het is het resultaat van onze psyche die “uitzonderlijk wil zijn.” Maar het universum is constant in beweging waar het individu hooguit een onderdeel van is. De psyche produceert zoveel negatieve gedachten dat die ervaring vertrouwd voelt, dat je die herkent als je echte zelf. Dankbaarheid is het tegengif tegen negatief denken. Dankbaarheid waardeert de directe ervaring van de realiteit. Het verschilt van ‘positief denken’, wat hoop voor de toekomst is, niet gebaseerd op realiteit. Het negatieve denken is zo prominent aanwezig in ons dat het in onze comfortzone zit en ons in die comfortzone houdt. De comfortzone suggereert eenvoudige beloning, “dat is een leugen. Veel succesvolle mensen zijn diep ongelukkig. Ze hebben oppervlakkige doelen bereikt die geen van allen meer dan valse beloften van tevredenheid waren.”

Discipline
Discipline is “te definiëren als de juiste verhouding tot de tijd. De mentale vaardigheden die ons daarbij kunnen helpen zijn overgave, toewijding en geduld.”
- Overgave. Ons ego hecht veel waarde aan onmiddellijke impulsen. Als we activiteiten als belangrijker zien dan het individu (ego), dan laat je je niet onderbreken. Het ego komt daar tegen in opstand. Werkelijke vrijheid impliceert activiteiten belangrijker maken dan ego.
- Toewijding. Is afspraken met jezelf nakomen.
- Geduld. Is aanvaarden van het gegeven dat dingen in de loop van de tijd ontstaan. De moderne mens wil zelf creëren en oplossen. Veel oplossingen komen met tijd vanzelf.

Impulsen, beloning en vertrouwen
“De impulsen voor al onze slechte gewoonten volgen hetzelfde pad - een rechte lijn naar onmiddellijke bevrediging via wat ik het lagere kanaal noem.” Het negatieve deel van onze psyche (“part X”) maakt ons wijs dat we bijzonder zijn en recht hebben op onmiddellijke beloning voor onze pijn en moeite in het leven. “Als je deze kracht niet beteugelt verandert hij je impulsen in verslavingen.” Toegeven aan je impulsen kost energie, door je impulsen te beteugelen krijg je energie. In werkelijkheid krijgt je vaak beloningen voor goed gedrag maar wanneer en hoe is onzeker, daarop moet je vertrouwen. Als je een impuls krijgt, denk dan aan de pijn of het rotgevoel na de bevrediging, en niet aan het genot. Vertrouwen bouw je op door:
- Zie af van onmiddellijke bevrediging. Hoe vaker je dat doet, hoe meer je innerlijke kracht opbouwt en vertrouwen in controle over jezelf en de wereld om je heen. Je gaat de samenhang voelen tussen zelfbeheersing in allerlei situaties: eten, woede, etc.
- Heb vertrouwen in het proces. “De belangrijke dingen in het leven zijn alleen te bereiken als onderdeel van een proces.” Juist tegenstand geeft je innerlijke kracht om door te gaan.
- Zie betekenis in wat er gebeurt. Betekenis is een “uitzonderlijke eis die de toekomst aan het individu stelt.”

Beslissingen
Alle beslissingen zijn onderdeel van een continu proces van beslissingen nemen, nooit statisch of definitief. Je neemt ze altijd met onvolledige informatie en in onzekerheid. De beste beslissingen neem je door:
- De kans op verlies te accepteren. Dit bevrijd je van de angst voor het nemen van beslissingen.
- Ga voor de beslissing met de voor jou grootste waarde. Ipv lijstjes met voor-en nadelen.
- Vertrouw op je intuïtie. Neem besluiten na eerst te gaan slapen; laat je onderbewuste voor je werken.

Succes
Volgens Stutz begrijpen we de aard van succes verkeerd: we stellen het hebben van geld gelijk aan succes. “Alleen als we scheppend bezig zijn voelen we ons werkelijk succesvol en levend.” Stappen naar succes door creatief te zijn:
- Oefen het afgaan op je intuïtie.
- Kom in actie. Wacht niet af.
- Aanvaard de consequenties. Zie negatieve consequenties als een correctie, en blijf handelen en zoeken.
Voor succesvolle relaties adviseert Stutz om te stoppen met het projecteren van ideaalbeelden op mensen op afstand. Als je ze leert kennen blijken het gewone mensen en vallen ze tegen. Remedie:
- Beteugel je fantasie. Hoe meer energie naar je fantasie en -partner, hoe minder beschikbaar is voor je echte partner.
- Oordeel mild. Over je emotionele projecties op onbereikbare mensen. Bedwing je negatieve gedachten over je partner, dat is teleurstelling.
- Toon emoties. Door positieve emoties te tonen aan iemand, ga je die persoon ook meer waarderen, aantrekkelijker vinden en je partner zal de inspanning waarschijnlijk beantwoorden (niet altijd weet ik helaas uit ervaring, red.).


“We zijn geschokt als iemand ons aanvalt. We denken: ik ben een goed mens, waarom zou iemand mij pijn willen doen? Dat is de reactie van een kind, niet van een volwassene. Kinderen willen verzekerd zijn van de liefde van hun ouders en anderen om hen heen.” Als we een standpunt innemen, creëren we reacties van anderen, ook oppositie. Dat hebben we nodig, het is een kans om onze individualiteit te ontwikkelen. “Ervaringen van haat en onbegrip vernietigen ons ego zodat we kunnen ontdekken wie we werkelijk zijn.” Ouders moeten kinderen leren met grenzen om te gaan, zodat ze dat later als volwassene ook kunnen. Natuurlijk gezag is dat je onafhankelijk van populaire opvattingen je eigen standpunten kunt vormen, naar voren kunt brengen en daaraan vast kunt houden, zelfs als ze worden aangevallen. Omdat ons kinderlijke deel gelooft dat het universum ‘goed’ is, zou niemand een reden moeten hebben om ons niet aardig te vinden. Daarom verbrijzelt een conflict ons zelfbeeld van goed lief leuk.

Relaties
“Romantiek en passie zijn irrationele en onvoorspelbare krachten. Daarom moeten ze niet de criteria zijn voor het bepalen van de geschiktheid van een nieuwe partner of de waarde van een bestaande relatie.” “Je kunt een gezonde relatie pas herkennen als je eerst weet wat een slechte relatie is. (…) Er is een kracht die ons als een onzichtbare magneet naar de verkeerde mensen trekt. Simpel gezegd is die kracht het geloof in magie. We willen in de ander het bovenmenselijke vermogen vinden om ons leven te veranderen.” “Goede relaties zijn gebaseerd op een hogere band. (…) Een hogere band is iets levends wat elke dag moet worden onderhouden. (…) Als twee mensen die band boven hun onmiddellijke behoeften en onzekerheden stellen, hebben ze iets gecreëerd wat hun zelfs in de moeilijkste situaties energie en inspiratie zal geven.” “De hogere band sluit romantiek en passie niet uit maar overstijgt die.” “Je moet je met je partner verplichten tot het werken aan deze band en dan wordt de sleutelvraag: ‘Is dit iemand die met mij aan deze band wil werken?’” Daarvoor moeten jij en je partner deze eigenschappen bezitten:
- Initiatief nemen tot communiceren met de ander. ‘Geven’
- Opofferingsgezindheid. Meestal opofferen van een lager verlangen te gunste van de hogere band.
- Empathie. Emotioneel aanvoelen.

Vrijheid
Vrijheid is niet hetzelfde als vrijblijvendheid, wat de illusie is dat je kunt leven “zonder eisen of verplichtingen, dat er een leven zonder spanningen bestond.”“Werkelijke vrijheid is vrij zijn van illusies.” De grootste menselijke beperking is tijd. “Dat maakt het leven zo veeleisend. Je moet kiezen, want je hebt niet het eeuwige leven. Hoe voor de hand liggend dat ook is, we hebben grote moeite ernaar te leven. Omdat je telkens als je een deur sluit een beetje doodgaat. En het ligt in de menselijke natuur om verliezen te willen vermijden.” “De truc is dat je deze momenten van keuzebeperking anders gaat ervaren. Toegegeven, van buitenaf bezien geef je een kans of een ervaring op. Maar innerlijk valt er juist iets te winnen. Levenskracht komt niet voort uit de materiële wereld. Alleen als je je gehechtheid aan de zaken om je heen opgeeft, vind je je levenskracht. In die zin krijg je telkens als je iets opgeeft meer kracht. De kleine doden die je sterft, leiden tot meer leven.” Volgens Sturz is de juiste verhouding tot tijd: discipline. “Telkens als je de discipline opbrengt om voor één keus te gaan, verdiep je je relatie met de Vader (Vader tijd, red.). Je oefent de kracht van de beperking. Werkelijke vrijheid is het vermogen om gebruik te maken van deze innerlijke kracht. Je wordt niet bevrijd van de beperkingen van de tijd, maar je maakt optimaal gebruik van de tijd die je is toegemeten.” Implicaties hier van zijn:
- Relaties: stop met open houden van de optie dat er iemand voorbij komt die betoverender is en ga volledig voor je relatie in de wetenschap dat geen enkele situatie volmaakt is.
- Erken externe beperkingen, bevrijd je van de obsessie met materialisme.
- Leer van gebeurtenissen in plaats van er het slachtoffer van te zijn.
- Beperkingen leiden tot creativiteit. Ga creëren. Dat is ware vrijheid.

Leren houden van onszelf
Stutz heeft een broertje dood aan Oprah-achtige “eigenliefde”. Het begrip ergert hem, hij vindt het suikerzoet, het suggereert een vage sussende toestand, en hij noemt het psychologische prietpraat. Volgens Stutz is het dit: “Eigenliefde is het accepteren van het meest inferieure aspect van jezelf. (…) de Jungiaanse schaduw, die hij definieerde als dat wat iemand niet wil zijn, maar waar hij zich niet van kan ontdoen.”

“Emotioneel onafhankelijkheid zijn, betekent niet dat je niets om anderen geeft of hen niet nodig hebt, alleen dat je niet van ze afhankelijk bent om iets te krijgen wat je alleen jezelf kunt geven.” Een afhankelijk persoon kijken bij onaangename emoties naar hun partner die ervoor moet zorgen dat die emotie verdwijnt. Onafhankelijkheid krijg je met discipline in het dagelijkse leven, met structuur die niet hoeft te verdwijnen als je een relatie krijgt of beëindigt: gewoonten, eten, slapen, sport, vrienden, tijd voor jezelf… Ontwikkel en onderhoud interesses buiten je relatie.

“The comfortzone is supposed to keep our lives safe, but what it really does, is that it keeps our lives small.”

[Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

2,5 ⭐️

Na het bekijken van de Netflix-docu ‘Stutz’, die ik trouwens erg goed vond, keek ik ernaar uit om ook iets te lezen van de man.

Ondanks enkele waardevolle lessen en oefeningen, was het niet helemaal wat ik ervan verwacht had. Het is een verzameling van essays over bepaalde aspecten van het leven. Naar mijn mening zijn de essays te kort om zo een grote onderwerpen te behandelen. De auteur springt te snel van het ene topic naar het andere, waardoor het overweldigend wordt en het de nodige diepgang mist.

[Il_mondo_di_nanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anche questa nuova #readalong è giunta al termine e voglio ringraziare la @  per avermi dato questa opportunità.
Living for Lessons è un romanzo di crescita personale, che ti fa guardare il mondo con gli occhi diversi, un romanzo breve ma allo stesso tempo ricco di significato.
L'autore spiega in modo chiaro come affrontare determinate situazioni di vita quotidiana attraverso l'esperienza dei suoi pazienti.
In una raccolta di 30 saggi ci viene spiegato come approcciarsi a un bambino, come stare bene prima con se stessi per poi poter star bene con gli altri,come trasformare pensieri negativi in positivi oppure come bisogna affidarsi all'esperienza di persone anziane che ne sanno molto più di noi... ma questi sono solo alcuni esempi di ciò che troverete in questo libro perchè c'è tanto altro e vi consiglio vivamente di leggerlo.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve been a fan of Stutz since his documentary on Netflix. Lots of wisdom to take in from this book. Love how much he talks about spirituality, and how he actually provides practical tips to overcome challenges. Will be re-reading in the near future!!

[Bonita Thompson]

Worth the read

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5-4. Some good lessons. Concise.

[Miranda · Rating 5 out of 5]

part x die bitch

[Daniella · Rating 3 out of 5]

take a shot every time he says the word 'power'

[Jami · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extraordinary wisdom

This book, profound in all its aspects, brought me to a place of such intense introspection that I could not help but emerge a better version of myself by the end of it.

I have followed the work of Phil Stutz (and Barry Michels) for years now, drawing upon the Tools in daily life and experiencing the benefits thereof. Given that level of familiarity, I assumed this book to be an easy read and recap of teachings captured elsewhere. To my surprise—in the best possible sense—Lessons for Living challenged me in ways I hadn’t previously considered, lit paths of inquiry I hadn’t before traversed, and elevated me to heights I hadn’t recognized as available or within reach.

I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking a deeper, richer, more substantive experience of life. I look forward to returning to it many times over in the years ahead.

[Mehtap exotiquetv · Rating 3 out of 5]

Phil Stutz, Therapeut gibt in „Lessons for Living“ eine Art Lebensleitfaden an die Hand. Das Buch ist eine Sammlung von Einsichten, die er in jahrzehntelanger Arbeit mit Patienten gewonnen hat. Es geht um das Meistern von Schwierigkeiten –sei es in romantischen Beziehungen, im Umgang mit den eigenen Kindern oder im Verhältnis zu den Eltern.

In vielen Kapiteln finden sich wertvolle Denkanstöße. Besonders seine Herangehensweise, Probleme nicht nur zu analysieren, sondern aktiv mit ihnen umzugehen, ist interessant. Er ermutigt dazu, schwierige Emotionen nicht zu vermeiden, sondern sie als Teil des Lebens zu akzeptieren und mit ihnen zu arbeiten. Das ist ein praktischer und bodenständiger Ansatz, der sich im Alltag tatsächlich umsetzen lässt.

Allerdings hatte ich auch einige Kritikpunkte. Stutz kommt eindeutig aus einer älteren Generation von Therapeuten, und das merkt man dem Buch an. Manche seiner Aussagen wirkten für mich etwas aus der Zeit gefallen. Besonders seine religiösen Bezüge haben mich an einigen Stellen gestört – nicht, weil Spiritualität per se problematisch wäre, aber sie wurden teilweise so selbstverständlich als Wahrheit präsentiert, dass es für mich unpassend wirkte.

Insgesamt fand ich das Buch okay aber nicht überragend.

[Tim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having read both Phil Stutz's previous books and watched the popular Netflix documentary, I was excited to get my hands on this new book. In "Lessons for Living," Stutz republishes many of the essays he once published in the now-defunct Real Life newsletter. Each essay stands alone in its value and insight and could be read repeatedly to peel through the layers of his thinking. Unlike his book "The Tools," the essays felt more tangible and practical as to how to apply his concepts and tools to your everyday life.

Don't let his newfound popularity be a turnoff. Stutz has worked in his field for decades, and long before being considered a Hollywood psychiatrist, he worked with prisoners at Rikers Island. His concrete tools give you more than fluffy ways to see the world as rainbows. Given appropriate study and practice, you can find ways to create forward movement in your own life toward positive change.

[Roger Whitney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book!

Listened to the audio and bought the hardcover to dissect.

[Emily Henning · Rating 3 out of 5]

meh. average self help. nothing extraordinary. solid advice.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

My thanks to both NetGalley and the publisher Random House Publishing Group- Random House for an advanced copy of this collection of essays by a famed therapist whose books have helped many people.

I first became aware of the book The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels when I customer in my store bought three copies. Kim, as I will call her was a regular liking Manga and romance books with I think werewolves or cats, and B-movies, so we were kind of friendly in that I would recommend books kind of way. "Dude, this book changed my life", and over the next couple of weeks she bought a few copies more, enough for me to have a customer recommends table set up, where we sold quite a bit. Reading the book I could see why. This wasn't a book that said happiness or not giving a whatever was going to change one's life. The Tools offered what seemed like real practical advice, told in a straight ahead way. Lessons for Living: What Only Adversity Can Teach You by Phil Stutz is a collection of essays that reflect on the reality that is life, and how the power to make ourselves move forward is within us, needing only our own work and interest to get us their.

The book begins with a brief introduction to Stutz, who in addition be being famous for The Tools, also has a documentary about his work on Netflix. These essays predate the documentary and in many ways The Tools, showing the ideas coming together and forming the basis for the book that would come. The essays are interesting, and if brought up to date, have not lost their power to move and motivate. The lessons remain the same. Most therapy is stuck in trying to help a person deal with the past. However change, real change is dependent on moving forward, and getting out of the traps that the past and our minds leave us in. The book is big on reality. There is no wishing makes it so, no over the rainbow. Real change means real work. Not an hour a week, but a daily grind to make a person better. However once one starts moving, the momentum can only build, and inside us all we have the ability to do so. One only has to try and find the meaning, the drive to succeed and do the work.

The writing is not the standard self help writing. Stutz talks about how the world is not a nice place, that bad things happen to good people, and not all bad people get their desserts. In fact many bad people get great desserts and higher office. However that is other people. The person to focus on is yourself, and Stutz details that with examples from people Stutz has worked with, history and other influences. The ideas might be from older essays that deal with pagers as he mentions in the introduction, but the ideas are all solid. And make me want to find my copy of The Tools again. Stutz writes not only in a positive way, buy in a way that makes on feel that, you know what maybe this isn't all garbage. Maybe I can get rid of these feelings. Maybe not super happy, nor super successful, but right now isn't so good, so why not try it. One can sense the years of experience in talking to people showing in his work.

Recommended for people who are stuck, who still blame things from high school on why your middle age isn't so good. Nothing can be guaranteed, but Stutz makes one feel that trying is better than standing still. I hope that Kim is doing well, and that this book can help somebody feel just a little bit better about themselves.

[Urban · Rating 5 out of 5]

Endlich kommt Phil Stutz selbst zu Wort, mit diesem Essay-Band, nachdem die Tools und Coming Alive ja hauptsächlich von Barry Michels getextet wurden. Phil Stutz, "Psychotherapeut der Stars" aus Hollywood, 40 Jahre Berufserfahrung, war und ist so erfolgreich, weil er auf den praktischen Nutzen für seine Klienten setzt. Mehr zu seiner Methode erfahren wir in o.g. Werken von Michels.

Sein 2023 aufgelegter Essay-Band enthält Betrachtungen zu allen möglichen Lebensthemen, basierend auf Patientengesprächen, die er Ende der 1990er und Anfang der 2000er für einen Print-Newsletter verfasste. Der Band ist sehr gut zu lesen und ist auf jeden Fall inspirierend. Ich würde empfehlen, ihn zuerst zu lesen und bei Gefallen zu den Tools zu greifen.

Hier eine Kostprobe aus dem ersten Kapitel:

Unsere westliche Kultur verkennt die menschliche Natur. Sie verspricht uns, wir könnten in einer idealen Welt leben, in einer Welt, in der unangenehme Erfahrungen vermieden werden und in der es tägliche instant gratification gibt.
Schlimmer, unsere Kultur unterstellt, dass mit demjenigen, der dieses Ziel nicht erreicht, etwas nicht in Ordnung ist. Du musst mehr an Dir arbeiten, die besseren Produkte besitzen etc. - Die ideale Welt, die uns in den Medien vorgegaukelt wird, ist aber eine Illusion.

Die Wirklichkeit sieht so aus:
- Das Leben enthält auch Schmerz und Konflikte.
- Die Zukunft ist stets unsicher, egal wie viel Mühe Du Dir gibst, Stabilität zu erreichen.
- Jegliches Vorankommen erfordert Disziplin.
- Du bist keine Ausnahme. Egal, was Du machst, Du kannst diesen Bedingungen nicht entkommen.
- Dies wird sich niemals ändern.
- Das Leben ist auch voller Liebe, Freude, Kreativität und Transzendenz - allerdings niemals losgelöst von den o.g. Bedingungen.

Da dies so ist, sollte man sich vorbereiten. Es geht darum, die eigene Einstellung zu negativen Ereignissen umzuformen, denn nur die eigenen Einstellungen können gesteuert werden:

- Konfliktsituationen und negative Ereignisse lassen sich nicht vermeiden.
- Ihre Existenz heißt nicht, dass mit Dir etwas nicht in Ordnung ist.
- In 99% der Fälle bringen solche Ereignisse auch Chancen mit sich.
- Spirituelle Fähigkeiten und Denkmuster zu entwickeln, die Dir dabei helfen, mit diesen Ereignissen umzugehen, ist wichtiger, als ein gutes Ergebnis zu erzielen bei der Bewältigung der Krise (denn das ist nicht sicher).

Und das ist nur die Erkenntnis aus dem ersten Kapitel - 5 von 183 Seiten.

Leseempfehlung !

[David · Rating 2 out of 5]

short book of short essays on important (gratitude, love, faith, self-discipline, parenting.....) subjects, but even so I was skimming by the end.

Very much "your mileage may vary" -- I'm not surprised it has a high average score on goodreads and can well imagine someone's liking it a lot. Just not my cup of tea.

Perhaps a good test would be if you have read, enjoy, and strongly value the work of Irvin Yalom you'll probably like this book as well. Very similar vein of authoritative profound statements by a wise old therapist who looks the part (judging from jacket photo, I think he'd have sky-high credibility when you arrive for your first session), and while reading I think anyone would find themselves nodding along in agreement the majority of the time.

Two critical limitations for me as a clinical psychologist reader:

1. All the case examples (a) refer to success, which means unless he's a miracle worker we're getting an unrepresentative sample; and (b) describe what I would see as low-priority cases/issues. No panic disorder, no borderline PD, no chronic major depression.........but one after another creative person who feels blocked, entrepreneur who discovers that getting rich doesn't make you permanently happy, etc. I'm not surprised he's a "go-to Hollywood therapist" (per one of the blurbs).

2. It's as if he figured things out 60 years ago and entirely missed the evidence-based practice movement. Zero allusion to any research about anything. To take a simple example from an area in which I'm involved.......pp. 39-40 depicts an interesting-sounding imagery exercise that he considers a tool for overcoming addiction (to anything, apparently). Great. Sounds plausible. But so do many many other much more intensive, long-lasting interventions that turn out to help only, say, 25% or so of people abstain from addictive behaviors for at least 6--12 months in controlled studies, as implemented by wide range of therapists from clear instructional guides. Usually weaker results if implemented as unguided self-help in the way this imagery task would be. My interest level in his approach would skyrocket if he'd give the corresponding figures for his methods. Until then........maybe a helpful comment in group supervision some day as food for thought, but not anything that needs to be a published book.

[his.bimba_bookshelf · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Lessons for living: what only adversity can teach you” è un saggio che raccoglie un insieme di avversità che tutti incontriamo nella vita e come affrontarle per non soccombere a esse e sentirci sempre inadeguati.

In questo libro troviamo una raccolta di scritti che lo psichiatra ha raccolto dagli anni 90 in poi, in cui affronta temi come l’amore, la perdita, la genitorialità, l’amore per se stessi e molto altro. Non è solo una disamina teorica in cui l’autore parla di queste tematiche in modo scientifico. Stutz accompagna la teoria con esempi pratici di pazienti che ha avuto in cura ed esercizi da fare per sentirsi più connessi con quelle che lui chiama “inner forces” e sentirci sempre al posto giusto nel momento giusto.

Personalmente ho trovato molto utile questa lettura per riflettere su diversi aspetti della mia vita e su come io mi senta – soprattutto in quest’ultimo periodo – inadeguata e poco soddisfatta. Il modo in cui l’autore parla di gratitudine, di amor proprio, perdita, famiglia e libertà mi ha aperto gli occhi su come posso affrontare quello che mi blocca nella vita, ma soprattutto mi ha fatto capire che molte volte non sono io quella che pretende troppo da una relazione o che non sono sola a provare certe cose e mi ha dato alcuni strumenti molto utili per riuscire ad analizzare le mie sensazioni a freddo in maniera adeguata senza essere mossa solo dalla mia impulsività.

Per la maggior parte della lettura la mia attenzione è rimasta molto alta e mi sono sentita coinvolta in quello di cui si parlava, però ci sono stati alcuni temi – ad esempio la genitorialità – che hanno perso la mia attenzione perché ancora lontani da me. Nel complesso posso dire che è stata una lettura utile e che potrebbe esserlo per molte persone, mentre altre potrebbero trovarla una cosa forzata e non adatta a loro.

Se siete in cerca di aiuti pratici ed esercizi da fare per uscire da momenti di blocco vi consiglio “Lessons for living: what only adversity can teach you”. Se, invece, cercate la soluzione confezionata e non siete disposti a lavorare un po’ su voi stessi allora questa non è la lettura che fa per voi.

Ringrazio la @tandemcollectiveglobal per questa lettura interessante.

Voto: ⭐⭐⭐,5/5

[Stan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is useful. But it’s also loaded.

At its core, Lessons for Living is a repackaging of earlier self-help tropes—especially from The Road Less Traveled—this time wrapped in semi-therapeutic language, vague esoterics, and a lot of talk about “life force.” It borrows credibility from CBT and Jung without really committing to either. That’s fine, if you know what you’re reading. Less so if you're expecting clinical grounding.

What It Actually Does Well
It helped surface some recurring inner patterns—particularly around identity confusion, ambivalence about success, and conflicted self-worth. That alone gave it value. These chapters stood out:

Just an Illusion

The Only True Success

We Are All Insecure

Making Peace with the Conflict

Stutz’s core thesis is blunt:

You suffer because you won’t face reality.

That’s not new, but it’s still effective. And he makes the case with enough clarity that it can be applied directly.

Where It Slips
Too much faith in discipline. The book often suggests that pushing through discomfort is the solution. But if you're already high-functioning and self-critical, this just adds pressure. It rarely pauses to ask why the resistance is there in the first place.

There’s also outdated thinking on marriage, roles, and parenting. Too focused on control, not enough on understanding motivation. Some sections read like they haven’t moved past 1995.

Bottom Line
A decent self-coaching tool for people who already know the language. If you’re sensitive to psychological over-simplification or allergic to vague spiritual language, you’ll probably need to filter heavily.

[Federica Pirollo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lo ammetto, prima di iniziarlo pensavo fosse uno di quei libri generici di self help, invece si è rivelato davvero interessante. L'approccio di questo libro, e del suo autore, è molto diretto, più della serie "muovi il culo e fai qualcosa invece di stare nell'angolino a piangere".
Il libro è molto breve, ma ciò può trarre in inganno e far credere che sia una lettura veloce, non è così.
Ogni capitolo è dedicato ad una particolare situazione in cui si può incorrere durante la vita e l'autore fornisce degli spunti di riflessione e dei consigli pratici per superarla; quindi ogni capitolo ha un tema a sé e leggerne troppi di seguito crea molta confusione.
Credo che il modo migliore per sfruttare questo libro sia di tenerlo a portata di mano per poterlo consultare al sorgere dell'evenienza oppure leggere un capitolo al giorno, al mattino o alla sera, per poter iniziare/finire la giornata con una riflessione.
Il contenuto è vario, si passa dall'accettazione di sé, al modo di crescere bambini e adolescenti, le relazioni interpersonali e la fede, ma ci sono alcuni punti di contatto tra tutti i temi, come ad esempio la presenza della Part X che viene spiegata mano a mano che si avanza con la lettura.
L'autore non fa grandi rivelazioni filosofiche che cambieranno l'universo, ma si sofferma su concetti che magari noi abbiamo già presenti, ma non sappiamo come trasformare in azione concreta.
Per una migliore comprensione di alcuni elementi e della figura dell'autore posso consigliare la visione del documentario "Stutz", su Netflix.

[Sati Siroda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stutz's book profoundly teaches us to find meaning in adversity and overcome our inner resistance.
…
Book Recommendation: Lessons for Living: What Only Adversity Can Teach You
Genre: Self-Help
Language: English
Author: Phil Stutz 
*AD-PR Product*
…
"Lessons for Living: What Only Adversity Can Teach You" by Phil Stutz is a profound and insightful collection of essays that delve into our universal challenges. Stutz’s writing, accumulated since the late 1990s, tackles themes of love, loss, success, failure, and more, offering readers practical tools to navigate life's adversities.

Stutz’s concise and direct narrative style makes complex concepts accessible. He emphasises that true growth comes from embracing life's inevitable pain and learning to find meaning in adversity. Stutz introduces the concept of our internal resistance to change and growth, which must be identified and conquered to achieve our full potential.

The book stands out for its practical approach, providing readers with tangible tools to overcome negative thinking and behaviours. It’s a compelling guide to understanding that spiritual growth and true contentment come from facing life's harsh realities rather than escaping them through materialism or pleasure. It is highly recommended for anyone seeking more profound understanding and resilience in life.
....
Thank you, @tandemcollectiveglobal and @eburybooks, for the copy of the book.

[Heather Bryant · Rating 2 out of 5]

Recommended by a work colleague - very surface layer advice for living. Likely driven by the fact it is a collection of short articles, none had depth. Here’s an idea and on to the next.

The author frequently draws from his Hollywood clients which results in many examples being from stunted, insecure individuals. Maybe in my 20’s I would have thought a few comments held insight but by this time in my life, these stories had my eyes rolling. Most of the examples used didn’t resonate at all - yeah, trading in your wife for a better model is stupid & shallow. Did you need a therapist to tell you that?

I already understand the value of meaningful relationships, feel fairly confident in my skin and seek time with authentic people (or at least self aware enough not to be pompous asses) - I don’t need to be told not to buy a bigger house for status or that overspending causes stress. While I don’t have all my shit together, this book is an example of the worst kind of superficial self-help out there in my opinion. It didn’t make me think more deeply about any aspect of living. It was just not my cup of tea.

I feel like I am being very generous with the second star but, like I said, my reaction may be driven by have age and experience - some may find it more enlightening.

[K Felber · Rating 5 out of 5]

“We live in a chronically dissatisfied world today because we no longer know how to be satisfied. In a society where nobody is happy with what they have, there can be no harmony or peace of mind. All that remain are competitiveness and paranoia.”

Phil Stutz talks about part X. The part of ourselves that is “committed to destroying our potential”. He goes over the ways to identify this part of ourselves and reminds us that “our personal problems show us exactly what we need to work on.”

These lessons he speaks of, are things that we all face in varying degrees. These lessons are relatable and I read each chapter slower than usual, to commit to the exercises (when given) and to jot down things that I will be revisiting for years to come. There is a lot of inner work to be done and this book is an excellent guide and resource.

I recommend this book to anyone who has decision fatigue, unresolved conflict, insecurities, anger, trouble staying on track, and unhealthy tendencies towards comparison and judgment. So……….just, read it.

[Joyce · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have been entranced with Stutz since I saw the Netflix documentary on his out of the box way of working with clients and specifically the use of "tools" that he offers, tangible ways to get out of one's head. This book are short essays enlightening his method. There is so much I truly love about his work - his focus on God, spirituality, the larger life force as a guide and not external, material obsessions (very Buddhist, though he doesn't mention this), his focus on discipline (how refreshing in a world where we are often drawn by whim and fancy!), the importance of generating self-love, acceptance not dependent on outsides, living by higher values, heeding the wisdom of elders in our lives.... I could go on. I think I gave this less than 4 - 5 stars because I couldn't fathom his idea of how to generate love for those people who generate conflict. His method seems impossible, too simple, not fleshed out enough and I found myself getting frustrated in the two parts where he mentions this process. All in all, a good and fast and gentle read!

[Mars Dorian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book after "The Tools", which is the most famous work of the author and deals with visualization techniques to combat depression.

Lessons for Living consists of mini-essays on all relevant life topics, such as dealing with difficult people, finding your drive, and getting out of a rut.

It's like having a wise grandpa who beats you...with wisdom.

Seriously, I wish my grandfathers were that helpful.

The writing style is approachable. And this is coming from a non-native English speaker.

American authors often have a pleasant way of explaining complex issues without (overly) simplifying issues.

Concepts are explained and rife with insights. Just like the tools, this book is worth reading and rereading again.

But if you're in serious need of therapy because you're a dysfunctional mess, this book won't suffice.

Find yourself a real-life therapist ASAP.

[Maher Razouk · Rating 5 out of 5]

ثقافتنا تنكر طبيعة الواقع. إنها تقدم وعدًا بأنك تستطيع العيش في عالم مثالي حيث تأتيك الأشياء بسهولة، عالم يمكن فيه تجنب التجارب غير السارة، حيث لا يوجد أبدًا نقص في الإشباع الفوري. والأسوأ من ذلك أنها تشير إلى أنه إذا لم تكن تعيش في هذا العالم، فهذا يعني أن هناك خطأ ما فيك. هذا العالم المثالي هو مجرد وهم. مهما بدا هذا العالم واعداً، فهو غير موجود.
كن صادقا مع نفسك. لقد كانت تجارب حياتك الخاصة بعيدة عن المثالية. لكن الحقيقة تكمن فيما اختبرته، وليس فيما ترغب بتجربته. وباختصار فإن طبيعة الواقع هي كما يلي:

- الحياة تتضمن الألم والشدائد.
- المستقبل غير مؤكد.
- الإنجاز من أي نوع يتطلب الانضباط.
- أنت لست مميزاً.

بغض النظر عما تفعله، لا يمكنك تجنب هذه الحقائق.
وهذا لن يتغير أبدا.

بالطبع هناك الحب، والفرح، والمفاجأة، والتسامي، والإبداع أيضًا، لكن هذه لا تحدث أبدًا بشكل منفصل عن النقاط الخمس المذكورة أعلاه.
.
Phil Stutz
Lessons For Living
Translated By #Maher_Razouk