Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, and Improve Your Relationship

by Fugen Neziroglu, Katharine Donnelly

Growing up with a hoarder can be a confusing, painful, and sometimes dangerous experience. And when it comes to finding help for a hoarder parent, many adult children find themselves taking on the exhausting role of caretaker. As the child of a hoarder, you may be wondering what resources are available to you. Written by nationally recognized obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) expert Fugen Neziroglu, a regular on the popular TLC television series, Hoarders , Children of Hoarders explores strategies for communicating with hoarder parents and outlines practical intervention skills. In addition, the book shows readers how to let go of the personal shame and guilt associated with being the child of a hoarder. Using mindfulness, acceptance, assertiveness and validation skills, this is the first book written specifically for adult children of hoarders that focuses on the interpersonal effects of hoarding. Inside, you will learn to communicate with your loved ones in a way that minimizes conflict, while still dealing with the logistical and organizational issues that arise when living with or witnessing hoarding behavior. The book also includes tips for reclaiming living space, strategies for ensuring that the health and safety of residents is not compromised by the hoarder’s living conditions, and organizational tactics for sorting through the clutter after the death of a parent who hoards. As the child of a hoarder, sometimes it can be helpful to know that you are not alone. In Children of Hoarders , you will get the support that you need to deal with your hoarder parent, and reclaim your own life in the process.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Relationships

200 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Dr. Neziroglu is a board certified behavior and cognitive psychologist, specializing in Anxiety and Obsessive-
Compulsive related disorders, and is a pioneer in the research and treatment of Body Dysmporhic Disorder. She received her Ph.D. in clinical, school-community psychology from Hofstra University and completed her post-graduate work in behavior and cognitive therapy at Temple University School of Medicine in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She is Board Certified in Cognitive and Behavior Therapy from the American Board of Behavioral Psychology (ABBP) and in Clinical Psychology fr5om the American Board of Professional Psychology (ABPP). She is a Board Member and a Fellow of ABBP's Academy. She is also a member of many national and international societies and is on the Scientific Advisory Board of the International Obsessive Compulsive Foundation. Dr. Neziroglu is Full Professor at Hofstra University, Department of Psychology and Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at New York University.
Dr. Neziroglu is the co-founder and clinical director of the Bio Behavioral Institute in Great Neck, New York. At the Bio Behavioral Institute, she provides direct services, supervises all assistant psychologists and psychology interns, sponsors man

Reviews

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

"The goal of engaging in a dialogue with a parent who hoards is not necessarily to bring about change, but rather to begin the process of healing from the emotional impact that your parent's behavior has had on you."

Quick note: The subject of this book isn't directly applicable to me, but I read this together with my husband, who is a child of a hoarder.

To be brief, I'd categorize this book as "somewhat helpful." The chapters are set up with clear subjects designed to be immediately useful (ranging from "Managing Your Reactions and Coping With Your Emotions" to "Inheriting the Mess"), there are examples and tips given for various situations, and there are lots of at-home mindfulness-type exercises included for the reader to work on. The authors put forth a good bit of starting point and surface-level information in each chapter without delving too deeply into any one thing. But honestly, that's fitting with the point of this book, which is to help the reader move forward and processes things rather than try to completely understand and "fix" things that are, frankly, often unfathomable and unfixable.

With clear statements, the authors guide the reader to actually sit down, face the past and present, and think things through directly. Thus, this book is geared more for someone who is just starting out on their journey of confronting the situation and their feelings rather than for someone who's been making progress with processing things for years. I'll also note that the authors generally maintain a sympathetic view towards all parties involved, which may be a difficult pill for some to swallow.

All in all, I'd recommend this as a starting point for children of hoarders who are just beginning the process of trying to face or deal with things, with the understanding that the mindfulness and CBT-based tactics that are emphasized may not be for everyone (and is no substitute for actual therapy, if needed).

Related Reads:
The Secret Lives of Hoarders (Paxton)
Coming Clean (Miller)
Dirty Secret (Sholl)

[Heather Homa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mostly about how the family of the hoarder can cope and communicate with the hoarder. I think as far as resolving the disorder, the research is not there yet, so there are no solutions, or even success stories to learn from. Most of the responsibility of the disorder is cast on to the family members and so second hand, due to the impact of hoarding they get disorders like anxiety, depression, hoarding. It would be nice to learn how to tackle the issue directly from the source.

[Lauren Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read with Caution

Dr. Fugen Neziroglu, a world-renowned clinician for the treatment of hoarding disorder through her clinic the BioBehavioral Institute in Great Neck, NY, is the author of numerous research papers, several books and a thought-provoking public speaker. I've reviewed her book Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding: Why You Save & How You Can Stop in another Goodreads post. I've now finished Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce Clutter & Improve Your Relationship and I'd like to share my thoughts.

It is written with compassion and scrupulous care, although I wish to HECK she would get out of the habit of using the descriptor "hoarders." But I'm recommending it with a bunch of "CAUTION" tape wrapped around it.

(1) It's written for people whose parent(s) is/are still alive. So some of it is more difficult for children of deceased people with hoarding disorder to use concretely.

(2) In my opinion, it must be only one tool, a minimal starting point towards healing. It doesn't go very deeply into recommendations concerning self-evaluation, self-soothing, etc., because it can't without then almost being an in-print therapist, and that of course isn't possible. But because it doesn't go deeply into such practices, I think it would be a more valuable book if its readers also have some in-person support while experiencing it, because it is going to bring up powerful and complicated reactions in its audience.

(3) I think this book pairs extremely well with Buried in Treasures by David Tolin and/or Dr. Neziroglu's other book. You might also find the exercises in the Treatment for Hoarding Disorder Workbook by Gail Steketee useful.

Lauren Williams, Certified Professional Organizer, Certified Virtual Organizer, Owner, Casual Uncluttering LLC, Woodinville, WA USA

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some parts of this book were more helpful than others. I wish the chapter on 'inheriting the mess' was more in-depth, but I'm biased due to my current situation. This was useful in putting a 'face' to the actions my family's undertaken to survive my mother's hoarding tendencies.

The authors' ideal audience seemed to consist of mature adults who have families and had already lost a parent. As a single person who lived in a compulsive shopper's home, I was looking for more information on working with family members other than myself who accommodated or reflected similar behaviors.

Note: Let me be clear that I'm also working through inherited hoarding tendencies, more along the lines of books and information. I'm currently looking to donate or re-home several bags of unread books, and but still 'hoard' knowledge through the evolving-rotation of books I check out from my library/workplace.

[Julien · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful resource given my situation. Unfortunately, the improving my relationship part with said hoarding parent just isn't possible as the parent in my situation doesn't even want to help themself. And when discovered I was reading this, went absolutely ballistic that I would even think of myself as one. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is just to remove yourself from the situation all together. Some parts of this, like inheriting the mess, I did find useful. As I feel I will find myself with that struggle someday. Essentially a take what you can and leave the rest book depending on the severity of your situation.

[bunbun · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good workbook and guide for learning to deal with your emotions if you are a child (or a family member) affected by your parent’s hoarding. While not perfect, I found the suggested exercises and explanations how to approach emotionally-charged situations a good starting point. I would have loved to see more on the topic of how to help the person struggling with hoarding change and accept help, but throughout reading of this book I realized this isn’t the point of it and that, maybe, it isn’t possible for some of these people to change at all.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

- Wish it had gone deeper on the whole
- Hard for me to imagine the person who would benefit from most of the advice in this book. Maybe when hoarding has only appeared later in life?
- Wanted more information on how hoarding in upbringing affects an individual into adulthood, but this wasn't that

[Francesca · Rating 2 out of 5]

It appears to be longer than I expect for a book directed at people who want actions. The exercises are helpful but this book feels a little biased to the victim and ignores the possibility that the family member MAY have hoarding tendencies/OCD develop as well.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had some interesting concepts. It kind of only scratched the surface of the problem but it did have some good resources and a good basic plan to deal with things both in terms of the relationship with the hoarder and practical action.

[Deyara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not especially helpful for my situation, though some parts were interesting and insightful.

[Mary Tea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone who is facing this issue in their lives would appreciate the read.

[Amanda Wagoner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel seen. Didn’t learn too much in terms of actionable steps (besides just good things to remember as you navigate), but having someone validate my experience was worth the read.

[kathyrn · Rating 4 out of 5]

My parents were not hoarders but I had a very close relative who went from having her house not overly neat but you could always visit and many of the major holidays were spent at her house to never being able to visit her. And it was sad to help her children clean up after her death.
A major goal of this book is to help the child of a hoarder deal with their emotions and shame about their parents and help them cope even if nothing can be done for their parents or their parent's home. It goes over the depression a lot of children of hoarders have. It offers practical exercises such as listing the roles in life that the parent has fulfilled, having a mindful conversation with the parent, listing 3 ways they value the relationship they have with their parents among others. It also offers solutions to help getting rid of the stuff after a death. I thought this book was well worth reading.

[Kristina Hoerner · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was not useful. I thought it would help me work with my child growing up with a hoarder. It is instead a book for adult children of hoarders to help them get their parents help. The informational is all really common sense and elementary. This is one to pass on.

[SouthernGirl · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a self-help book for anyone with an interest in the psychological problems associated with hoarding. It examines the clinical causes and symptoms of hoarders and steps to take if you are the child of or friend of someone with this affliction.

I won this book in a Goodreads giveaway.

[Mariejkt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a interesting and helpful book.