Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It

by Leslie Becker-Phelps

Has your romantic partner called you clingy, insecure, desperate, or jealous? No one wants to admit that they possess these qualities; but if you find yourself constantly on the alert, anxious, or worried when it comes to your significant other, you may suffer from anxious attachment, a fear of abandonment that is often rooted in early childhood experiences.

In Insecure in Love, you'll learn how to overcome attachment anxiety using compassionate self-awareness, a technique that can help you recognize your negative thoughts or unhealthy behavior patterns and respond to them in a nurturing way—rather than beating yourself up. You’ll also learn how insecurity can negatively affect healthy dialog between you and your partner (or potential partners) and develop the skills needed to stop you from reverting back to old patterns of neediness and possessiveness.
If you suffer from anxious attachment, you probably know that you need to change, and yet you have remained stuck. With compassionate self-awareness, you can successfully explore old anxiety-perpetuating perceptions and habits without being overwhelmed or paralyzed by them. By understanding the psychological factors at the root of your attachment anxiety, you will learn to cultivate secure, healthy relationships to last a lifetime.

If you’re ready to stop getting stuck in the same hurtful relationship patterns and finally break the cycle of heartache, this book can show you how to get the love you deserve—and keep it!

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Nonfiction, Love, Audiobook, Personal Development

200 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2014

About the author

Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, author, and speaker. She is the author of The Insecure in Love Workbook, Bouncing Back from Rejection, and Insecure in Love. She writes the Authentically You blog and the Making Change blog for Psychology Today. Becker-Phelps previously served at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ, as director of women's psychological services and chief of psychology in the department of psychiatry. She lives with her husband and two sons in Basking Ridge, NJ. Find out more about her at www.drbecker-phelps.com.

Reviews

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

OK I wrote a review but I think the app ate it!

This book is good BUT THE FRAMING SUCKS SO MUCH. I am not "Insecure in Love," I am a person with a trauma-related attachment disorder that is totally normal. I think the tools in this book are great but it is wrapped in this "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" kinda pop facade that at times felt hurtful and demeaning. It's super heteronomative and super focused on romantic relationships (when it doesn't need to be! attachment is about ALLLLLL relationships, I am reading this book to feel less like an alien around ALL people).

Anyway, I recommend the exercises, this is a good workbook!

[Chanda Prescod-weinstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like this is one of the most insightful books I’ve read on relationships — with applications to friendships as well as romances. Worth reading if you want to better understand the dynamics that often underpin difficult emotional behaviors, whether from yourself or others.

[Ibukun · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me understand myself in a way that I never did before.
Think of it as cheap therapy.

[Steven · Rating 2 out of 5]

This just didn't do it for me. While the content seems perfectly useful and informative, it came across very, very dryly. That said, this book may be for you if you're looking for numerous practice exercises. Personally, I gained more insight from Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, which was very engaging despite not being quite as neutral.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives lots of practical application and exercises to work through issues surrounding anxious attachment. I felt like it was helpful for me in giving insight into how I deal with my anxiety in relationships. I still feel like I could read it again and get more out of it. There's lots to process and work through. Would recommend for anyone struggling with insecure attachment.

[Andi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this as a first reads giveaway. First, I should say I am biased against self-help books, especially those about relationships. I wanted it to give to a particular friend who does suffer from some severe relationship anxiety. I also wanted to read it before giving it to her, not only as it is the spirit of first reads, but as a trained counselor, I wanted to ensure the information would help rather than cause more harm to her. I must say I was pleasantly surprised. Attachment theory is interesting on it's own, and Dr Becker-Phelps does a wonderful job of explaining the theory as it relates to adult romantic relationships as well as all interpersonal relationships. I confess, I did not do any of the activities, again because I was reading it for a friend rather than looking for insight into myself. It is meant to be used essentially as a workbook to analyze the reader's attachment style, motivations, and concerns. That being said, the techniques discussed in the book are all valid and have years of research to back up their success. Dr Becker-Phelps includes short anecdotes to demonstrate not only the therapeutic techniques, but also some of the common issues found in relationships where attachment has been an issue. The anecdotes are very helpful to assist the reader in identifying issues within their relationships they may not be aware of on a conscious level. Even though I wasn't reading this for myself, it did offer insights into my relationships with people and the style I use when interacting with others.

[SamTheOwl · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a decent/okay resource. I'm sure when it was first published, it was a lot more appropriate for its time, but I feel it no longer serves the original niche. I read this book after having read Polysecure, and I'm glad I read them in that order. This is a good supplemental read to Polysecure if you can read between the lines and look past the obvious issues.

To be clear, this book is NOT inclusive, and the gendered language feels very forced. I got some helpful information from it, but not nearly as much as I could have. The author does give a disclaimer about her book and research being very Western society focused, but the more I read, the more I felt the disclaimer doesn't excuse the extreme lack of inclusivity.

That being said, I would still recommend reading it after reading Polysecure.

[Ghada El Sheikh · Rating 3 out of 5]

نجمتان منقصوتان للترجمة ، استوقفتني كلمة ازدواجية ambivalence في حين هي بالكتاب eAmbivilanc ومعناها غموض!! معقولة لم يلاحظها المنقح او المصحح اللغوي ، جعلتتني افقد شغفي وثقتي بان الكتاب المترجم ضعيف كما اني اخذت عهدا بان لا اقرأ لاي كاتب او مترجم يكتب" نفاذ بدلا من نفاد" وشتان بين الاثنين ، واتمنى من المترجم ان يكون حريص وامين بنقل التفاصيل كما هي ولا يترجم كما يتوافق مع دينه وعقيدته كما المترجمة عندما ادرجت النبي محمد ولم يذكر في الطبعة الأصلية، واعطت لنفسها الحق ان تستبدل الاسماء الغريية بأسماء عربية كافيا بان يتفعل "error " في دماغي لان المؤلفة ليست بعربية،
النزاهة والصدق والامانة من اهم صفات الانسان الموثوق والناجح، واخيرا لن اقرأ لاي كتاب مترجم مهما صار ..

[نون · Rating 5 out of 5]

كتاب مهم جدًا جدًا، يوسع الآفاق والمفاهيم بخصوص العلاقات العاطفية خصوصًا والاجتماعية ، يتحدث بدايةً عن انماط التعلق وكيفية نشوئها من خلال الوالدين وصولًا لبلوغنا وتأثيرها على علاقاتنا.
غني ثري مفيد، يناقش المشكلة وجذرها مع امثلة وتمارين عملية .
الكاتبة ابدعت بتناول مواضيع الكتاب، والمترجم اكثر ابداع حقيقة لنقلها بهذي اللغة الواضحة جدًا والمفهومة وكأنما الكتاب لغته الأم العربية، مع تفضله علينا بتوضيحات بالهوامش لبعض المصطلحات وكانت مفيدة جدًا،
حقيقة سعيدة لاقتنائه كهدية ميلاد لعامي ال٢١، افضل هدية على الإطلاق، وبالتأكيد حيكون من اهم قراءات هالسنة ♥️

[Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

A pretty good popular book about attachment theory - specifically, about how anxious attachment can affect your intimate relationships as an adult.

[Ángel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Watered down for my taste. If this is not your first read on attachment theory, it might feel wordy, redundant, and overgeneralized. Good for anyone with very little dating and/or therapy experience.

[jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shocked and disappointed that listening to this audiobook did not immediately fix my brain

[Madison King · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good one but I feel lucky to not really relate to it anymore. Grateful for ~~the work

[Aneta · Rating 4 out of 5]

i thought this book was gonna be a solution to all my problems and to be fair, it has given me a better insight into what my relationships look like, how to fight the problems i come across and how to overall feel better about myself. loads of useful information and exercises, easy to read, no unnecessary psychological jargon. might even read it again to fully absorb it.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

A primeira parte por 4/5, a segunda 2/5

[Juliet Yeomans · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book! Great self reflection and taught me a lot about my attachment style. The title is pretty aggressive lol but the book wasn’t like that at all. I recommend for anyone with this attachment style or in a relationship with someone with this (or avoidant) attachment style!

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Legitimately very helpful. But always remember, if you’re in a relationship and you’re the ONLY one reading things like this or working on things like this, you’re not the problem.

[zet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Words cannot describe how accurate this book is.

The author clearly has a profoundly deep understanding of anxious attachment in relationships, not only from a psychological perspective but also the lived human experience. She seems to know what I'm thinking in a given situation, how I'm feeling, what I've pondered, and accurately predicted my relationship experiences.

I've been in therapy for 4 years and it has helped a lot. But this book goes further, and because it's a book rather than talking to a person, i found it less triggering on my ego and thus it was easier to accept the messages instead of becoming defensive.

Ontop of providing a better understanding of why you are the way you are, it provides practical exercises which actually help discover better ways to approach your relationships.

I can't say enough great things about this book.

This book is an absolute must-read for anyone who has struggled with relationships. Do yourself a favor and give this book a chance the way you gave all those terrible romantic relationships a chance.

[butterbook · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great primer, although as someone who's read a lot about this topic it was a bit on the light-and-fluffy side for me. Would recommend as a super basic introduction to attachment theory and the concept of feeling-your-feelings. However if you've already made significant progress with both of those, it's a book best skimmed.

[Theodore Kopoukis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Others have rated the book already, not much to argue here as I found it just as helpful in overcoming relationship anxieties, however the Audible version would be complete only by providing pdf material, as is done with other offerings. There are many exercises included, and it's hard to keep track by only listening, and notes in pdf format would make this better (and also to go to back to some of them when needed). As it is, one can truly benefit only by purchasing the actual book to accompany the narrated version, or better, by skipping the Audible version altogether.

[Sam Porter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I went through a traumatic breakup which resulted in my anxious attachment style so I got this book. I love how it doesn’t JUST tell me what attachment styles there are, but it also gives you exercises that you can do to move more towards a secure attachment style. The exercises are doable and have worked for me. If anyone has anymore recs that are like this book, I would greatly appreciate them.

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting information whether currently attached or not.

[Hannah Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book was pretty dry for the most part but filled with good info. Loved all of the exercises that came with it.

[Brenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend for anyone with an anxious attachment style. Practical advice that you can implement.

[Faith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the use of second person off putting, but gained a lot of information about attachment theory.

[Yasmin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd say this book is definitely useful for those individuals who are anxiously attached. After reading the book Attached by Levine, I myself tested as half anxious preoccupied and half secure. In this relationship particularly I am finding myself to have more anxious traits. However, upon reading this book I did find that I was not as anxiously attached as the target audience for this book suggested. For this reason I found large sections of this book not so relevant to me, however it would definitely be of use to others. Here are some notes that I found useful:

- Anxious attached is rooted in feelings about the self and feelings about others.
- Those with anxious attachment tend to have negative feelings about themselves and low self esteem. They may see themselves as lacking a worthiness of love for example.
- Anxiously attached will therefore be more likely to believe any feedback they get from others that supports their own conception of themselves. An example of this is accepting rejection from a partner or prospective partner as confirmation that they are unlovable.
- When others treat you in a way that matches your self perception, you feel validated and the relationship feels comfortable and familiar even if the relationship is negative. This is why anxiously attached tend to stay in unhappy relationships.
- Anxiously attached with similarly challenge any feedback that challenges their perception of themselves. (e.g. receiving compliments from others as a "mistake" or a "one off".)
- Anxious attached have selective attention, memory and interpretation when it comes to their interactions with others. It is all subjective. The book gets you to focus on an event that upset you and made you feel like you lacked a worthiness of love and what you attention, memory and interpretation made you think of the event. It then gets you to challenge these and try to create a new attention, memory and interpretation of the same event.
- All individuals will feel more negatively about others when you're feeling bad. Avoidant partners feel this way even when a relationship is going well.
- The book gets you to think of a common conflict that repeats in your relationship. What are you feeling about the problem? What are you thinking about your partner? How do you express the problem to your partner? What is your partner feeling about the problem? What is your partner thinking about you? How does he express the problem to you? Questioning the situation is this way allows you to identify incorrect thought processes.
- Finding a sense of security is essential in any relationship, but the need and desire to have it when you are anxiously attached is even more so. Due to this mirroring the inconsistency you felt with love and support from your parents as a child - you're insecurities can appear like an intense fear when your partner pulls away from you, just as a child would feel when their parent pulls away.
- Encourages you to open up to believing new beliefs and viewing things differently - recount old relationship experiences and let go of the past.
- Encourages you to have self awareness and develop self compassion. Gain awareness of when your actions are showing your fears of rejection.
- Large section on dealing with conflict as an anxious attached.

[Travious Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Leslie Becker-Phelps’ Insecure in Love is not just a guide for those struggling with anxiety in relationships; it’s a profound call to self-awareness and compassionate growth. The book sheds light on how attachment insecurities—whether fear of abandonment or of being unworthy of love—can lead to cycles of doubt, anxiety, and self-sabotage. Reading this felt like looking into a mirror, reflecting not only my own struggles but the dynamics that fractured my relationship.

One of the book’s most powerful messages is the importance of selflessness in love. True intimacy requires both partners to prioritize the relationship over their individual fears and desires. Selective sharing—offering pieces of oneself while withholding others—creates an unstable foundation. It fosters an environment where doubt thrives, and where one partner is left questioning their place in the other’s life. Relationships flourish when both people are willing to be vulnerable, to let down their walls, and to trust that the other will hold their heart gently. Anything less is a betrayal of the connection.

For me, inconsistency and unfaithfulness hsve always been the greatest repellants. Even more so now than ever It’s hard to stay secure with someone when their actions don’t align with their words, when their loyalty seems fractured by lingering ties to the past. For example, the presence of people from someone’s history, coupled with another’s fear of being easily replaced, can build a culture of unease. Always remaining mindful of any and all actions that can ignite unease is crucial. This isn’t about jealousy; it’s about wanting to feel like you matter enough to be chosen completely and unequivocally.

Yet, this book challenged me to confront my own role in this dynamic. Anxiety in love isn’t solely caused by the other person’s actions—it’s also shaped by our inner narratives. I’ve started doing the exercises in this book, leaning into compassionate self-awareness. It’s helping me to better understand my triggers and to grow into a more secure version of myself. I’m learning that while love asks for selflessness, it also requires a steady foundation within.

If you’re reading this, I hope it inspires reflection. I believe in the potential for growth. If you can embrace the lessons in this book and commit to consistency, transparency, and valuing the relationship above all else, I know we can build something lasting.

[Amnah Haider · Rating 5 out of 5]

highly recommend.

[AudioBookReviews .com · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of the best relationship books I have ever laid my ears on. For a long time I avoided relationship advice, in hindsight I have no idea why but the second I picked up this book I could not stop listening. It genuinely felt that the author was talking about me and I would highly recommend this title to anyone who may suffer from anxiety or deals with someone on the anxiety-spectrum.

If you are still reading this review, stop I can not say enough good things about author Dr. Phelps and what an amazing job she does describing what life if like for the anxious in love and how important a book it has been for me in understanding this type of person. It is frustrating that I am just now am hearing of the field of attachment types and feel dumb for not looking into this area before (when my sister suggested it to help with marital problems). The basic idea of the attachment theory is that much like personality dimensions, there are 2 (or 4, I am not sure) attachment types. The two types of attachment are anxious and avoidant. The first half of the book goes through how to identify which type you and your partner are and if you are anything like me, will quickly and strongly identify as one or the other. Later Leslie discusses the question of what you can to do if you are in a relationship that struggles with the tension between anxiousness and avoidance personalty types and unfortunately the answer is not much.

Changing core personalty traits is difficult to impossible for many and like others, Dr. Phelps recommends the only tried and true method of essentially repeating aphorisms and forcing positivity until it click, or, fake-it-till-you-make-it.

Although I finished the book feeling there was still no clear path forward for the anxious-in-love out there I did feel great about the fact the people like the author have taken the time to understand the (seemingly) growing epidemic of anxiety and loneliness that follows.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not having read much into this sort of thing before, it was definitely an eye-opening experience as it helped exemplify the somewhat scary instants of a relationship.

From the inability to accept differences to the concept of secure vs. insecure attachment styles, this book seems to round up a nice layout and foundation for couples to work with in their struggles of themselves or in their relationship.

Although explicitly referencing and making mention to anxious-preoccupied attachment styles, the book does not shy from other styles as it is imperative to understand them from different perspectives.

The exercises seem very basic and 'obvious' in how to work through them, but I came out with some great ideas that have actually worked (somewhat) for me.

Recommended to almost anyone with the curiosity or want to discover what their relationship is, was and can be, this book gives way to a simple understanding of the psychology behind the mutual agreements (both apparent and non-apparent) between couples and their future together.

Take the time to read through it, and use the examples and exercises as guidelines to a healthier approach of your own self worth, the belief vs the reality of our relationships and for the promise of 'what comes next' in your life with your partner.