Mindful Discipline: A Loving Approach to Setting Limits and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

by Shauna L. Shapiro, Chris White

Raising happy, compassionate, and responsible children requires both love and limits. In Mindful Discipline, internationally recognized mindfulness expert Shauna Shapiro and pediatrician Chris White weave together ancient wisdom and modern science to provide new perspectives on parenting and discipline.

Grounded in mindfulness and neuroscience, this pioneering book redefines discipline and outlines the five essential elements necessary for children to thrive: unconditional love, space for children to be themselves, mentorship, healthy boundaries, and mis-takes that create learning and growth opportunities. In this book, you will also discover parenting practices such as setting limits with love, working with difficult emotions, and forgiveness and compassion meditations that place discipline within a context of mindfulness. This relationship-centered approach will restore your confidence as a parent and support your children in developing emotional intelligence, self-discipline, and resilience—qualities they need for living an authentic and meaningful life.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Family, Audiobook, Childrens, Relationships

232 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Shauna Shapiro, PhD, is a professor at Santa Clara University, a clinical psychologist, an internationally recognized expert in mindfulness, and a mother. With twenty years of meditation experience studying in Thailand and Nepal, as well as in the West, Shapiro brings an embodied sense of mindfulness to her scientific work. She has published over one hundred journal articles and chapters, and coauthored the critically acclaimed book, The Art and Science of Mindfulness. Shapiro is the recipient of the American Council of Learned Societies teaching award, acknowledging her outstanding contributions to education, and has been invited to lecture for the King of Thailand, the Danish government, and the World Council for Psychotherapy in Beijing, China. Her work has been featured in Wired, USA Today, Oxygen, The Yoga Journal, and the American Psychologist. Shapiro lives in Mill Valley, California, with her eight-year-old son, Jackson.

Reviews

[Cathy aka The Attached Mama · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agree with many opinions asserted in this book. As someone who wholeheartedly agrees with the attachment parenting philosophy, I have noticed as I grow older, that many people seem to confuse gentle and loving discipline with NO discipline and complete permissiveness. They have good intentions: They hope by giving nearly unlimited freedom and autonomy, that they will raise caring, empathetic adults who function well in society. However, their complete permissiveness seems to do exactly the opposite. The kids turn into very selfish teenagers and adults who can't seem to manage even the simplest of adult tasks. That is NOT what gentle parenting is about. IMHO, gentle parenting is about setting reasonable expectations in a loving way. I think this book does a great job clarifying the dangers of complete permissiveness when it comes to parenting, and giving an explanation on what reasonable and gentle limits can look like.

I only give it three stars because I feel like it lacks enough specific advice for most parents. The book seems to teach an overall "feeling" and "thought process" that you should strive for and asserts over and over again to simply "trust your intuition". That's all well and fine....in theory. But, speaking personally, many times kids will throw whopper situations at you and "intuition" and "good feelings" don't cut it. We want a book with real practical advice. This book does give a few real life examples, but they are often totally far fetched and unrealistic. For example, the book tells you to ask questions instead of giving commands. In one example instead of telling a chil to clean up their toys before snack, you are supposed to say, "what should we do before snack?" I guess this is fine if you've already it's clearly communicated your expectations. But in many cases this comes across as very passive aggressive. Is the child supposed to guess what they want you to do? Why not just come out and say it!

[Andrea Gooch · Rating 2 out of 5]

If a Dr and a yoga master wrote a book this would be it. Let me save you the trouble and summarize. When you get upset take a deep breath before you react. Ok I just saved you 6 hours of your life.

[Sarah De · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the incredible fortune this week of picking up Mindful Discipline, by mindfulness expert Shauna Shapiro, PhD and pediatrician Chris White, MD. This book spoke directly to the heart of my experience as a parent navigating the perils and trials of early adolescence with my 12-year-old son. Mindful Discipline provided an eloquent, yet clear and intuitive framework for seeing and meeting my child’s needs through “unconditional love, space, mentorship, healthy boundaries, and mis-takes.” One of the great challenges of parenting is that there is no manual, no real way of knowing if we’re doing it right. The power of this book is that it provides a wealth of information, resources, practices and suggestions, while at the same time affirming and reinforcing the inner wisdom of the heart that all loving parents already know and possess. I was particularly impressed by the grace with which the authors connected the principles of mindful discipline to the child’s neurobiological development. As a parent, I find this kind of knowledge grounding and empowering in the face of the complexity and messiness of everyday family life. Having read Mindful Discipline, I feel renewed and able to respond more intentionally to my child. I recommend this book wholeheartedly to parents who wish to raise healthy, self-disciplined, compassionate children—and that’s every parent I know.

[Leighann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall I think this is a useful parenting book - good tools to practice mindfulness in parenting situations. However, like a lot of parenting books, I feel like the examples they use of real life parenting situations just aren’t realistic. I did come away with some useful tips though.

[Margret · Rating 2 out of 5]

My main take away from this book was the many chapter ending “practices” of mindfulness which mostly consisted in visualization and breathing exercises. These have a place but I was disappointed that from a parenting perspective that the book gave little of concrete applicability.

The narrative was confusing to listen to on audio because of the unclear shifts between the two author male/female voice. One minute is a father speaking and the next a mother. Really difficult to follow clearly.

There was one point that the author “teaches” that connection is more important than the task at hand when she feels badly that her son was sent to his room crying because she had needed to make dinner instead of “connecting” with his emotional needs. Then she feels super guilty and apologizes profusely. I believe connection is essential but children are more resilient than what she gives them credit for and sometimes they also need to learn that there are tasks that must be done in the moment and they can wait. I believe apology is important. But reading a parenting book where connection and apology were also guilt ridden was not helpful. There are many other books that teach similar principles in much more clear and practical ways.

[Pam Mooney · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for parents with kids of all ages. It includes clear examples and scenarios backed up by solid research on parenting. Using this guide on the side parents can learn to parent in a loving way while still holding the reins on their kids and earning their respect. Parent are supported with lessons on focusing their own mind set in approaching child discipline. If you want to raise a successful child with resilience, empathy and compassion for others this book can be a great resource for you.

[Brandy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Via NetGalley.

Not a bad book, but dauntingly long. Admittedly my impatience with Mindfulness is my own issue and not a fault of this book, but I get the basic ideas of what they're saying. It's about slowing your own reactions, taking a moment to breathe and BE in the moment and practice mindfulness--then apply it to parenting.

One I'll poke at on my ipod until it expires off the Kindle app, but not an easy one to read straight through.

[Elwin Kline · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I liked it / Really liked it." - 3.5 star rating, with a round up to a 4.

First and foremost I want to recognize the author. She did a great job riding the fence with this one, which I say as a compliment, not as a dis. Leaning too hard into the strict authoritarian parenting, or being too soft on your kid... if pick either side your eliminating roughly 50% of your reader base.

You're going to have people who believe in the old ways of parenting aka firmness, strict discipline, manners enforcement, all that good stuff. You can even get religious about it and throw out there to the whole 'spare the rod, spoil the child' quote. Your Xtian reader base will most likely eat that up, especially if they were born in the 80's or before that. Be careful though! Non-Xtian's might get pushed away if you get too biblical. Again though, the author does a great job covering her tracks and throws in some Buddhism and Taoism as well, and more. From a strategic standpoint - nailed it.

On the flip side, if you focus too heavily on new age parent styles like when your kid throws sand in your eyes and laughs menacingly at you. "Now now little sally. That wasn't very nice. Let's talk about your feelings. Do you think pouring sand in mommy's eyes was the right thing to do? Let's try to do better next time honey." Yeah... I'm sure there is an audience field that is all about that life. Their kids probably have colored hair, identify their sexuality as non-binary, and are going to need lots of counseling and probably receive more prescriptions in their life than a Vietnam war vet - but don't worry, doctors will be lined up to fill your prescriptions and book your therapy appointments $$$. Ok, I'll stop. Let me tone it down a bit and get back on track.

The author aligns with a middle of the road approach, which I think is great. Don't be an oppressive tyrant and also don't let your kids run the house and make all their own life choices before their baby teeth pop.

To quote the author:
"Children are unfortunately not inherently good. Without discipline, they will have no self control, destroy property, eat an entire jar of honey without a second thought, and potentially risk death to themselves or others (such running to traffic, drowning, etc.)."

She uses the term, be an 'Alpha with Love'. I like that. With the whole too hard too soft approach, she leans about a 60/40 splint, with the 60 being on the strict discipline side of the house, again - I like it.

Her 5 tenants of the book are really great too:
1. Unconditional Love
2. Space
3. Mentorship
4. Boundaries
5. Mistakes with Responsibility

Bottom Line Up Front - Raising kids is hard.

One knowledge source will tell you X, another will tell you Y, and then in reality Z will happen.

I hope this book helps folks and I praise the author for her delivery here. She did a great job.

[Zohreh Manesh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one the absolute best books I’ve read in the field of parenting.
As many of the negative feedbacks here in goodreads suggest, this is not a recipe-book with “applicable” strategies and concrete advices on how to handle conflicts with kids; rather, the reading gives one an insight that will hopefully flow through the relationship with one’s own and other children. It provides a ground for adults to come closer to children, see their needs and struggles as well as their strengths and abilities. This way the book helps the reader to develop their own strategies that is accustomed to their unique relationship with a child. Not giving concrete recipes is exactly why I enjoyed this book. Parenting cannot be concluded in specific advices. What we should focus on is the philosophy behind it.

As someone who reads quite much in the field, I had trust in all the scientific facts that the book is built on.

The one thing I didn’t like about it (but doesn’t affect my 5 stars for it) is the references to how a mother bear would discipline her cubs and somehow use it as a model to convince the reader that drawing firm boundaries is the right thing to do. This might very well be true, but we humans with our very special evolutionary path and all the sociopsychological challenges that we face with, should not need to turn to other species to find our models for correct behaviour!

[Collette · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 - this book had a lot of great things about it. Because I listened to it, I didn't practice any of the exercises, but I have a hard copy from the library to look back at. I wanted a book that would help me focus more on the moment and not just react when something needs to be addressed with my kids (both my own and at preschool). I liked the focus on both the moment AND long term effects of how we choose to react. We're raising future adults and remembering that as we discipline is important. I was reminded how being an authoritative parent instead or permissive or authoritarian is better. I feel like there were some things on the book that can help me redirect to that method since I'm sort of hit and miss. A few things I didn't love - the narrator's soothing voice. I'm sure it works for some because it is about being mindful, after all. Some of the mindfulness exercises seem a bit mumbo-jumbo, but I shouldn't knock it until I try it.

[Elissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by one of my parent patrons after I complimented her on her well behaved and mild-mannered children. I really liked it! I appreciated this approach to parenting that is not child-centric but emphasizes knowing yourself and being in tune with your emotions before parenting (and sometimes making a mistake by yelling, etc., acknowledging that, and moving past it to make things better with your child). I think some people would find this approach too "woo-woo" but maybe people would be better off if they were indeed more in tune with their emotions and paused before a parenting moment. Oh, and I liked the idea of letting all emotions out, not repressing frustration or anger for younger kids, but letting those emotions out in a safe and supported way. Still hard, but better overall.

[Geraldine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book includes a series of practices intended to help one cultivate mindfulness and become a more present parent. It is a good synthesis of various studies and knowledge of parenting experts. The language is a little flowery in places (as other readers have noted), but the book contains helpful information if you can look past that.

If you are looking for a book with specific examples of how to discipline your child, you will be disappointed. This is a book on becoming more present, mindful, and aware of how we are with our children - and thus creating a space for our children to thrive and grow - not a "how to" book in the general sense. This book succeeds in this goal, and is a worthwhile read to anyone who is attempting to parent more mindfully.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is part parenting guide and part self-help manual with mindfulness exercises scattered throughout with special focus on parenting. I found the parenting guide useful for all ages, compatible with other very good books such as The Whole Brain Child and Raising Human Beings. It explains the dual tension we face as parents to practice attachment while getting them ready to leave us and face whatever life throws at them. My 10-year-old made a face when he saw the term “discipline” on the cover, but when I read him a section on our reactive/responsive/intuitive states, he listened attentively and remarked, “That is a good book.” The overall book is short, direct, with excellent references. I highly recommend it.

[Ren Morton · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mindful discipline outlines the difference between permissive, assertive, and authoritarian parenting styles with prolific examples to illustrate how the different approaches play out on real life. The intention of the book is to encourage parents to take an assertive approach to discipline and subsequently explores the assumptions and worldview underpinning this style.

With an emphasis on growing yourself up before raising a child, the book offers helpful mindfulness practices with each chapter.

However, this book is written more academically than other books and can be difficult to get through. I would recommend exploring conscious discipline literature or Brene Brown’s work for more accessible and memorable exploration of the same concepts.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of helpful stuff in here, including meditation exercises. The chapters are well organized and include summaries for quick review. The general tone of the thing is kind, compassionate, and forgiving. I have a feeling that I might get even more out of some of the suggested reading, though. The bit that the authors paraphrase from Jon Kabat-Zinn's book is my favorite: "Parenting... is not unlike an extended meditation retreat where our children are the Zen masters brought in to push our buttons at every turn."

[Maeve · Rating 3 out of 5]

A guide to authoritative, mindful parenting which is comprised of unconditional love, space, mentorship, healthy boundaries, and mis-takes. Includes small mindfulness practices parents can incorporate in their daily lives.

I really struggled to get through this one...possibly because I was reading it in 15 minute chunks before bed, but I also feel like I was reading the same thing over and over again. If you have read enough parenting books, you can read Chapter 11 which is a good summary of all of the points in the book.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book for those dealing with emotional and sensitive preschoolers. Instead of focusing on the 'what to do's' too much, it focuses on the 'how to be's'. Sometimes parenting means letting go more than it means holding fast when it comes to discipline. It means hugging over scolding, empathizing over admonishing. I am really going to try to focus more on the emotions I am bringing to each interaction with my child.

I love this book!

[Miss Cecile · Rating 2 out of 5]

The emotion this book evoked most in me was annoyance. Not a lot of practical or actionable advice or anything practical. As someone who was not new to mindfulness, I found the information on here pretty basic, beginner mindfulness stuff. And worst of all was the assertion that all bad things that happened are just opportunities for growth and that every parent has good intentions and does their best - as if trauma and abuse are not a thing.

[Meghan Davis strader · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did not find this book to be particularly helpful with parenting. I had the impression the authors wanted to write a book about meditation, but wanted people to read it and so tried to loosely tie it to parenting as a gimmick. Keeping calm, breathing, and being kind to yourself are all good things to practice whether you are a parent or not and those were good reminders.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. I found it to be easy to digest, practical, and grounded in ideas that I want to pursue as a parent. Whereas I found The Conscious Parent to be mostly repetitive and vague, this book has at least 10 mindfulness practices, as well as plenty of realistic situational examples that I know I will return to. Hooray!

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I recognized some of this info from other parenting books and research I've read. Some of the meditation/mindfulness practice techniques were interesting and I'll try applying some of them, but overall, this book was a little more difficult for me to get through than some of the other (similar) parenting books I've read.

[Stephanie Ackerson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t know that the concepts shared in this book are anything earth shattering or new but they are good practices that would benefit any parent/child relationship. This has book has been helpful for me and caused me to reflect on how I handle different situations with my children and what I can do to improve.

[Angela Hedworth · Rating 1 out of 5]

Meh. There are much better parenting books out there that aren't so nebulous in their suggestions. Read Peaceful Parents, Happy Children (I think that is the name). The concepts are similar but the advise is less 'crunchy' feeling. After all, with the kids I have, do I really have time to meditate as much as suggested in this book on their ideas and passages? No, I don't.

[Nikki Knox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love love love! My Favorite parenting book ever. Really helped me start to transition away from a punishing approach to a restorative / compassionate parenting approach. It gave me practical, encouraging, actually usable tools for real life - like when I’ve lost it and dislike my kids. So refreshing for the realities of parenting.

[Sarah]

Alongside other parenting books this gives a very useful perspective on lots of issues and the audio version is great for its relaxing mindfulness exercises at regular intervals throughout the book which helped me step back when considering parenting problems and incidents and consider alternative approaches - similar to No Drama Discipline in one or two ways.

[Sheri Morris · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to clients as a reference but the scenarios are a bit sugar coated. Raising children is a struggle and the scenarios used as examples are a good starting point but keep in mind that every child is different and not all children are going to respond in the way the book portrays.

[Willow · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked this book a lot. I've been going through a hard time with my oldest daughter. This helped my perspective be more positive. Some of the information is simple, but sometimes its the simple things that are easy to overlook when times get hard. I'll definitely be purchasing this book to keep on my shelf as a reference. I appreciated the mindfulness practices throughout the book.

[Ryan Supple · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mindfulness is invaluable in all aspects of life, but surely there is nowhere it is more important than parenting. This book provides some good tips on how to remain mindful even through the most frustrating challenges.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Learning to take a breath when I need to collect myself calmly before disciplining my baby was the common focus of this book. I also felt reassured that disciplining with love & consistency is the best thing for our littles.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn't finish. I tried to read this one several times. A lot of what I read covered basic ideas about mindfulness and child development. I'm not sure if it was the writing style or that I am familiar with most of what I read, but I could never get the momentum to finish.