Is That Me Yelling?: A Parent's Guide to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate Without Losing Your Cool

by Rona Renner, Christine Carter (Foreword)

Being a parent is hard work! And when your child refuses to do even the little things—like picking up their toys, taking a bath, or getting in the car to go to school—it’s easy to become frustrated. But what if there was a gentle, effective way for you to improve your kid's behavior without losing your cool or raising your voice? In Is That Me Yelling? leading authority on parenting, Rona Renner outlines effective communication strategies that focus on your child’s unique temperament.

While most books on discipline are “one size fits all,” this book offers a tailored parenting approach. Inside, you will learn powerful mindfulness techniques based in cognitive behavioral theory (CBT) and temperament theory to help reduce conflict and foster cooperation, respect, and understanding in your family. You will also learn the real reasons behind your frustration, how your unique temperament, as well as your child’s, can contribute to you losing your temper, and how you can start feeling calm and connecting with your child in a positive way, right away.
As a parent, you are often under a great deal of stress. Between helping your child with their homework, running a household, and working, it’s only natural to feel overwhelmed at times. But that’s why you need real, practical solutions to help you communicate effectively and compassionately with your children in a way that will benefit you both. This book will show you how.

To learn more, visit www.nurserona.com.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Childrens

200 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Rona Renner, RN, graduated from Brooklyn College School of Nursing in 1966, and she has since been dedicated to solving problems and helping people reduce their suffering. Her extensive experience includes working in medical hospitals and mental health programs in New York City and California; training women in childbirth preparation in Zaire, Africa (now the Democratic Republic of the Congo); helping to start a learning disabilities program in Pune, India; and providing parent education and ADHD and temperament counseling at Kaiser Permanente in Northern California. Renner was the founder of the Childhood Matters and Nuestros Ninos call-in parenting radio shows, and hosted the Childhood Matters radio show for ten years. She currently consults and teaches classes for mental health professionals, teachers, and parents throughout the San Francisco Bay Area and beyond. Her greatest teachers have been her four children, two grandsons, and her husband Mick.

Reviews

[Sylvester (Taking a break in 2023) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A straight-forward approach to handling those frustrating moments with your kids. Renner shows how differences in personality between parent and child often leads to misunderstanding and frustration. No easy solutions, but a way to think through to the causes and prepare for the inevitable clashes. Helpful in a very practical way, I thought.

[❄️✨ Kat ✨❄️ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Imagine a world in which
*there are no wars;
*people resolve conflicts by talking to each other and coming to agreements for the benefit of all;
*no one goes hungry or is without a home;
*there are free child-care centers with well-paid, loving staff;
*the core school curriculum includes lessons in kindness, generosity, empathy, community service, nature, and climate health;
*a child's love of music, art, dance, and discovery is valued in school;
*all neighborhoods are places where children are safe to play outdoors, and there is no fear of violence;
*when children are young, the community provides for parents so they can bond with their children;
*every neighborhood has a community garden;
*all children are happy, healthy, and cooperative.
World peace begins at home.

This book is a guide to how parents can discipline their children without yelling. It discusses how parents should take into consideration their children's feelings before yelling at them. Learning your child's temperamental traits (there are 9 of them - sensitivity, activity, intensity, adaptability, mood, approach/withdrawal, persistence, regularity or rhythmicity, and distractibility), as well as your own temperamental traits, was looked at in this book and should be done by everyone for a better understanding of self.
She discusses a couple tactics to use when you feel yourself getting upset, one of which is the "A-B-C-D-Es of Not Yelling" which she explains as Ask (What am I feeling?), Breathe, Calm yourself, Decide what your child needs, and Empathize. The second tactic is the "4 C's of Discipline" which are Communication, Choices, Consequences, and Connection. Great book to read for parents who struggle with discipline.

[Minna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was amazing. Everything Ms. Renner had to say really resonated with me. I am not always a "yeller," but I can be, and I certainly was raised in a household full of it. I am striving not to raise my son that way, to stop and catch myself and moderate my reactions. I found much to inspire me in this book. If money permitted I would purchase this for everyone I know with a child or even a partner/spouse.
It goes without saying that I will be trying some of Ms. Renner's strategies with my sensitive, high-activity, high-intensity, slow-to-adapt, persistent child ASAP.

[Gillian Hollett · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I came across Rona Renner’s Is That Me Yelling? I knew I had to see if what she had to say would be valuable to me personally. You see, I am a mom who chooses to work because I feel it allows me to have a better relationship with my kids. And still, even though I am not cooped up with them all day every day, I am a mom who yells way more than I want to.

When it comes to parenting books, some people look for an overall philosophy to follow. Other than refraining from screaming at your kids, this book doesn’t offer that type of overview nor the far reaching implications in any sort of depth. Instead, I am happy to report, we are given real, in the thick of it ideas to help improve the way we handle stress around our kids.

If you are like me, always on the lookout for a book full of practical tips to deal with certain types of parenting scenarios, instead of just theoretical ideas, this book is for you. Renner offers explanations for strategies such as tracking your yelling to learn when you are most vulnerable to fly off the handle, and the A-B-C-D-Es of not yelling to equip you with a thought process that allows you to keep your cool.

There are many valuable insights that I have been able to take away from this read. For example you will find a temperament inventory that has helped me to understand why I clash with one of my children more than the others, and why my two oldest spend so much time arguing. Not only have I been able to see the dynamics on an objective level, but the author offers her advice on how to shift expectations of behaviour and outcomes depending on the temperament traits innate to our little ones.

Over the few days that I have been going through this book, I have found myself applying the principles I have learned as I live life. Particularly, as I feel my stress levels rise around the kidlets, I have been successfully employing what I have learned in order to remain (more) calm.

Is That Me Yelling? will get in your head, and speak loudly and clearly as you go about your life in parent mode. What I have learned has allowed me to step back and think before my mouth starts moving. And when I am able to change the way I would normally do things, on the fly and in real life, I think that’s when I can confidently recommend this as a helpful parenting tool that is definitely worthy of your time.

And any time I need a reminder of how to avoid raising my voice, I will come back and read through Ms. Renner’s book again.


I received a copy of the book from Net Galley for review purposes.
Find more reviews and bookish stuff at www.bookmusings.com.

[Lindsey Silvestrini · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh the yelling; I am guilty of the yelling! I never thought I would be the "type" to yell at my kids but then, none of us really go into parenting thinking we will be anything less than perfect! We never think we're going to be that parent. Time passes, kids get older and the parenting gets harder. Before we even know how it happened, we're yellers. I saw this book Is That Me Yelling and cringed at the guilt. But when I saw the sub text of A Parents Guide to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate Without Losing Your Cool, I knew I had to read this one!

The reason this book is so helpful is that it really gets to the source of the problem. Unless you can identify certain things like why you are really yelling and HOW to stop, you aren't going to be able to change. While I really wanted Renner to get straight to the point and tell me how to stop, she starts where she should; at the beginning.

We all grew up differently and chances are if you grew up in a household of yelling, you are going to yell. We do what we know regardless of what we want to do.

I learned a lot about myself while reading this book and while some things I knew on a subconscious level, I hadn't really processed them enough to realize how they affect me and my parenting. One thing I learned is that I really tend to have displaced anger towards my kids. Most of my yelling has more to do with me than it has to do with them and I'm sure that's confusing to them. If I'm stressed out and having a bad day, I yell at things I wouldn't typically yell at. My kids don't know what to expect from me because it can change based on MY mood.

I also learned a lot about temperament. While Reed and I are very similar (and there are awesome tests to figure out temperament) Paige and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum. We really butt heads because we handle things so completely differently. Just understanding this and becoming aware of where we are at on the spectrum has helped me change how I deal with things.

My favorite chapter was "Yelling is so Easy, Can I Really Stop?" Here she gets into the HOW to stop and what to do instead. Sometimes you just need practical everyday tips on how to handle different situations to know how to stop.
Is That me Yelling made me take a long hard look at my parenting and recognize the things that I really need to change. I don't want to be a yeller. I just didn't know what else to do. Renner gives you the tools. All you have to do is put them into action!

[Alaina Crosby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will sheepishly admit that, while I picked up this book because I personally worry about my yelling, I’ve since realized and learned that just raising my voice (I’m a pretty calm, quiet woman) isn’t what Renner wanted to illuminate. However, I still found her words incredibly interesting and helpful, especially since, with a second child on the way and a recently adopted dog, the urge to actually yell has definitely gotten stronger.

I should specify, by the way, that I’m not at all trying to separate myself from yellers because I’m secretly judging all of them. On the contrary, what I think is really vital about Renner’s book is that she doesn’t go into the blame game or insert a solitary shred of guilt towards those who yell (unless perhaps you’re being purposefully abusive). Instead of dealing with the yelling as something you can simply turn off or something you’re less of a person for doing, she spends a great deal of the book teaching the reader introspection and understanding what makes us loose it. She teaches easy to learn methods for examining your own patterns, acknowledging them, and working slowly to reform them (mistakes expected: we’re only human right?) You definitely feel like you’re not alone, that your emotions are valid.

Something I also really appreciated about the book was that it was in easy to consume little chunks. No forcing yourself to try to read all of these theories at once and then try to make sense of them before bed. Nope, you can pick this book up at any time that you have a few spare moments and get just what you need out of it. It’s clearly written and very easy to comprehend: accessible to all.

[Rebecca Emin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers an insightful guide to parents for how to manage their stress, expectations and yelling, as well as reminding parents to look after themselves which is something a lot of parents neglect to do.

The topics covered include sleep deprivation, sibling issues, divorce and separation and triggers, all of which can lead to stress, anger and yelling. Ways to cope with all sorts of potential situations are covered, with examples provided at regular intervals.

I think most parents will be able to relate to at least a couple of sections of this book. As a single parent of three young children I found it a fascinating read and would recommend it to other parents who find they are getting stressed and yelling more than they would like.

The list of references at the end of the book is detailed and helpful. This is a book to keep for dipping into when the need arises.


I received an ARC of this book via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Kellie · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a mom to three boys, I would like to say I never ever yell, but it happens more than I would like, especially when they are not exactly on their best behavior. I downloaded this book, hoping it would offer some good suggestions for preventing my own worst behavior.

I was a little uncertain at first, mainly about the qualifications of the author, but the book itself seems useful (still working on implementation of some of the strategies, so our outcomes are still unknown). She advocates a cognitive behavioral therapy-type approach, so there's a big focus on awareness of what triggers yelling, what responses you have, etc. Even just becoming more aware of yelling can in some cases help reduce or prevent it.

To me, the most helpful parts are the examples of families and how they approached their yelling. I always like concrete tips and strategies.

In summary, I'm glad I read this, but I'm not sure yet how helpful it will truly be.

[GONZA · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mindfulness explained and applied to raising children. Really clear and well-written book with a series of useful exercises to apply to ourselves and to the observation of the kids, useful tips and bibliographic sources to further expand the knowledge of the topic.

La mindfulness spiegata ed applicata al crescere i figli. Libro davvero chiaro e ben scritto con una serie di utili esercizi da applicare su se stessi e all'osservazione dei ragazzi, inoltre utili suggerimenti e fonti bibliografiche per ampliare ulteriormente la conoscenza dell'argomento.

THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS INC. FOR THE PREVIEW!

[Rhonda Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book more than any other parenting book, helped me to become more mindful, understand myself and my kids better, and find practical ways to get through those difficult moments in every day without all the anger and frustration that used to characterize them. Simple exercises that really helped me to shift my frame and calm down. Rona Renner is priceless for her experience and insight. Thank you for giving us this book!

[Marisol Muñoz-kiehne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Is That Me Yelling? is a complete and compassionate companion for every parent, educator, and parenting educator. It convincingly conveys that comprehension is conducent to correction, whispering the "why's" of yelling, and the "how's" of yelling no more. With excellent examples from her extensive professional and personal experience, Nurse Rona illustrates fundamental psychological principles and functional parenting practices with empathy and enthusiasm. Bravo, thanks!

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Is this me yelling.? Was a great book. It helped me learn that youncan take the time to learn how to not lose control. I am extremely happy I got the chance to read this book and would recommend this book to any parent that is trying to change there attitude towards there children when it comes to yelling.

I think every parent should read this book it is amazing!

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not sure how I stumbled upon this book, but I am glad I did. I never thought I would be a yeller, and up until a couple of years ago I wasn't. This is a very insightful book and has definitely opened my eyes to how to better deal with things (parenting related and other things too) in a more peaceful way.

I definitely recommend this one if you feel like you have become a "yeller". :)

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book provides a cognitive behavioral approach to reducing parental yelling and increasing cooperation. I recommend this book for all parents as it provides clear advice on discipline and connection and developing mindfulness and awareness.

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review to come!

[Travis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a must read for parents who have young children.

[Maggie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good guide and advice for parents,babysitters, and grandparents. Always good to review good parenting skills and advice, even as a grandparent.

[Elizabeth Swift · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easily read. It moves along and you can skip to something of interest without loosing the thread. I was always trying to stop yelling with minimal success. This holds out hope for we yellers plus has some good relational tips on dealing with those harder times with kids and adults.

[Shay · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not always a yeller but this was a great book. A lot of great strategies to help you understand why you reach your peak and how to avoid it. I borrowed it from the library but am considering purchasing a copy to reference back to.

[Marie Dbv · Rating 5 out of 5]

Livre bien fait et facile à lire. Très intéressant

[Una Baker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Many good ideas to help cope with the stress of everyday parenting challenges. Once you get through the slow (but necessary) parts.

[Peter Huang · Rating 3 out of 5]

It did help me to contain my temper before I bawled my kid.

[Charity · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was another book that called to me from the parenting shelves of the library, which are conveniently located for browsing with one eye while with the other I try to make sure my six-year-old doesn't boss around the toddlers at the train table too much.

When we got it home, my ten-year-old began reading it first, as she does with most parenting books. And also as she does with most parenting books, she gave me advice based one what she'd read.

"The first few chapters just give background, Mom," she explained after I'd yelled one morning and then noted that I should really be reading that book from the library. "The suggestions for how not to yell are in the second half of the book."

When I printed the supplementary temperament scales from the publisher's website, she had me print extras for her so she could rate herself and her brother separately and then we could compare notes.

"What I find," she said on another occasion, "is that often when I start yelling about one thing, I end up getting carried away and yelling about something totally unrelated. I think you might do the same thing sometimes, Mom."

I have to remind myself that the kid can't actually parent herself, even though I feel tempted to assume that she can when she says this kind of stuff.

It could have been annoying to have my pre-teen looking over my shoulder while I was trying not to yell so much, but so far I've actually found it helpful. She seems to have empathy for the work that I'm doing and the changes I'm trying to make, which seems to make her more patient with me. I feel a little weird about this, but so long as I just appreciate it and don't depend on it, I think we're okay. She's also tried to apply some of the suggestions to her own behaviors. We don't talk much about it, but it's nice to have a silent companion on this path.

There's not much new in this book, but that's fine. I like the stories, and it reinforces those things that I already know to do but forget over time, like the need for self-care (yes, I do in fact tend to yell more after a night when I've had less than five hours of sleep), considering the temperament of myself and my children, and modifying my expectations based on the circumstances.

Unlike some other books I've read along these lines, this one avoids scripted responses and instead encourages a shift in how parents see the situation that triggers their yelling. It also mentions but doesn't harp on how awful it is to yell at our kids, as some other books I've read do. If I'm reading a book to help me stop yelling, it's a pretty safe bet I'm already aware of at least some of the downsides of yelling and don't need to be hit over the head with how horrible I am for losing my cool around my kids more often than I'd like. Rona Renner didn't try to make me feel like crap, which I appreciated.

In fact, the tone of the book is one of understanding and self-compassion, which I found really pleasant. The compassionate self-responsibility it promotes appeals to me, and the practical suggestions---like lowering one's voice when one is tempted to yell---have been very effective so far. My kids respond better, and I'm less likely to lapse into self-loathing after I've had to address behavior issues.

My spouse also noticed a difference. I was talking with him on the phone the other day while the kids were doing their post-lunch chores. I heard screaming from the kitchen and ran in to find that my son had taken a swipe at his sister with the broom he was supposed to be using to sweep the floor. "Hang on, Honey," I said into the phone and then proceeded to assess the situation, determine both that my daughter was only slightly injured and that my son was just as shocked at his behavior as his sister had been, and then participate in a hug-fest, all with the phone pinned between my ear and my shoulder.

"Wow," said my spouse when the kids were once again engaged in the proper, non-combat use of kitchen cleaning implements. "I'm really glad I heard that. You handled that like a pro."

Of course, that was during the week I was getting eight-plus hours of sleep every night, taking a walk after dinner every evening, and avoiding all sugar, alcohol, and caffeine, along with maintaining constant awareness of my moods and the moods of my children throughout the day. I cannot sustain this level of awesomeness all the time---indeed, I've already scrapped the "adequate sleep" plan again in favor of the "frantically cleaning house at midnight" plan---but it was pleasant to see that it's possible.

Aside from the cover, which essentially shouts, "I YELL AT MY KIDS" when I pull the book out of my purse to read in public, my biggest beef with the book is the yelling log. I hate log sheets. I suspect that I might be yelling less just to minimize how often I have to fill out my yelling log, but I suppose that counts as yet another way this book has been effective in helping me modify my yelling habit.

[Nathan Kitchen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't get much out of the suggested actions, mainly because I decided that they are more for families with a lot more yelling. (In our family we just don't yell much, not in the way that is the focus of this book.) I kept reading for the stories, though--I enjoyed reading about how the families dealt with particular issues.

[Brian Stoll · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful book that will make you examine the way you communicate with your children. I'd never realized how harmful and damaging raising ones voice can be too the development of one's children.

I received this as a Goodreads giveaway.

[Brandielle]

Not giving up on this one. I've been reading it aloud to my husband and just ran out of time. One request again.

[Donna Luu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some useful information that I hope to implement.

[Shannon]

I have found myself more and more frustrated with my oldest son not listening and being rude and with that I’ve been yelling more. I realized this wasn’t good for either of us and while I can’t force him to change I can make changes and hope they have a positive effect on him. Most of it I’m sure will be repeated in other parenting books but the way this was written made me feel like I wasn’t alone and had some great advice for calmly dealing with situations as they come up. I will definitely be using some of what was discussed.