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She Left Me the Gun: My Mother's Life Before Me
A chilling work of psychological suspense and forensic memoir, She Left Me the Gun is a tale of true transformation: the story of a young woman who reinvented herself so completely that her previous life seemed simply to vanish, and of a daughter who transcends her mother’s fears and reclaims an abandoned past.
“One day I will tell you the story of my life,” promises Emma Brockes’s mother, “and you will be amazed.” Brockes grew up hearing only pieces of her mother’s past—stories of a rustic childhood in South Africa, glimpses of a bohemian youth in London—and yet knew that crucial facts were still in the dark. A mystery to her friends and family, Paula was clearly a strong, self-invented woman; glamorous, no-nonsense, and frequently out of place in their quaint English village. In awe of Paula’s larger-than-life personality, Brockes never asked why her mother emigrated to England or why she never returned to South Africa; never questioned the source of her mother’s strange fears or tremendous strengths.
Looking to unearth the truth after Paula’s death, Brockes begins a dangerous journey into the land—and the life—her mother fled from years before. Brockes soon learns that Paula’s father was a drunk megalomaniac who terrorized Paula and her seven half-siblings for years. After finally mustering the courage to take her father to court, Paula is horrified to see the malevolent man vindicated of all charges. As Brockes discovers, this crushing defeat left Paula with a choice: take her own life, or promise herself never to be intimidated or unhappy again. Ultimately she chooses life and happiness by booking one-way passage to London—but not before shooting her father five times, and failing to kill him. Smuggling the fateful gun through English customs would be Paula’s first triumph in her new life.
She Left Me the Gun carries Brockes to South Africa to meet her seven aunts and uncles, weighing their stories against her mother’s silences. Brockes learns of the violent pathologies and racial propaganda in which her grandfather was inculcated, sees the mine shafts and train yards where he worked as an itinerant mechanic, and finds in buried government archives the court records proving his murder conviction years before he first married. Brockes also learns of the turncoat stepmother who may have perjured herself to save her husband, dooming Paula and her siblings to the machinations of their hated father.
Most of all, She Left Me the Gun reveals how Paula reinvented herself to lead a full, happy life. As she follows her mother’s footsteps back to South Africa, Brockes begins to find the wellsprings of her mother’s strength, the tremendous endurance which allowed Paula to hide secrets from even her closest friends and family. But as the search through cherished letters and buried documents deepens, Brockes realizes with horror that her mother’s great success as a parent was concealing her terrible past—and that unearthing these secrets threatens to undo her mother’s work.
A beguiling and unforgettable journey across generations and continents, She Left Me the Gun chronicles Brockes’s efforts to walk the knife-edge between understanding her mother’s unspeakable traumas and embracing the happiness she chose for her daughter.
“One day I will tell you the story of my life,” promises Emma Brockes’s mother, “and you will be amazed.” Brockes grew up hearing only pieces of her mother’s past—stories of a rustic childhood in South Africa, glimpses of a bohemian youth in London—and yet knew that crucial facts were still in the dark. A mystery to her friends and family, Paula was clearly a strong, self-invented woman; glamorous, no-nonsense, and frequently out of place in their quaint English village. In awe of Paula’s larger-than-life personality, Brockes never asked why her mother emigrated to England or why she never returned to South Africa; never questioned the source of her mother’s strange fears or tremendous strengths.
Looking to unearth the truth after Paula’s death, Brockes begins a dangerous journey into the land—and the life—her mother fled from years before. Brockes soon learns that Paula’s father was a drunk megalomaniac who terrorized Paula and her seven half-siblings for years. After finally mustering the courage to take her father to court, Paula is horrified to see the malevolent man vindicated of all charges. As Brockes discovers, this crushing defeat left Paula with a choice: take her own life, or promise herself never to be intimidated or unhappy again. Ultimately she chooses life and happiness by booking one-way passage to London—but not before shooting her father five times, and failing to kill him. Smuggling the fateful gun through English customs would be Paula’s first triumph in her new life.
She Left Me the Gun carries Brockes to South Africa to meet her seven aunts and uncles, weighing their stories against her mother’s silences. Brockes learns of the violent pathologies and racial propaganda in which her grandfather was inculcated, sees the mine shafts and train yards where he worked as an itinerant mechanic, and finds in buried government archives the court records proving his murder conviction years before he first married. Brockes also learns of the turncoat stepmother who may have perjured herself to save her husband, dooming Paula and her siblings to the machinations of their hated father.
Most of all, She Left Me the Gun reveals how Paula reinvented herself to lead a full, happy life. As she follows her mother’s footsteps back to South Africa, Brockes begins to find the wellsprings of her mother’s strength, the tremendous endurance which allowed Paula to hide secrets from even her closest friends and family. But as the search through cherished letters and buried documents deepens, Brockes realizes with horror that her mother’s great success as a parent was concealing her terrible past—and that unearthing these secrets threatens to undo her mother’s work.
A beguiling and unforgettable journey across generations and continents, She Left Me the Gun chronicles Brockes’s efforts to walk the knife-edge between understanding her mother’s unspeakable traumas and embracing the happiness she chose for her daughter.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2013
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4663 people want to read
About the author
Emma Brockes
13 books16 followersEmma Brockes (born 1975) is a British author and a contributor to The Guardian and The New York Times. She lives in New York.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 360 reviews
September 25, 2013
Although the author expresses herself well, the book needs editing. Too many events are thrown in in an unclear fashion. The author’s family is large and I could not keep everyone straight, other than the author’s mother’s seven half-siblings, at least when they were identified with their given name. A “mother” is spoken of and you wonder is that the author’s mother or her mother’s mother or…..which mother?! There are wives and cousins and friends and enemies galore. Few had the same opinion about a given event. The whole story becomes confusing, and it is unclear what information is reliable. Squabbles and drinking influence everyone’s story. And yet, in any family, don’t we all have different versions of the given events?
Life in South Africa is also thrown in, with some brief sections on Nelson Mandela and a few other political figures, but what is the purpose of this book? Is it to relate how historical events affect families? No, I don’t think so. Is it the author’s attempt to understand her mother and her own family? She says that is why she is writing it, but then why does she say she will return but doesn’t?
Or is this simply someone writing a memoir about their family? Ahhhh, this will make an exciting book! I’ve got a story to tell. Everyone nowadays wants to write their own memoir. The basic story here is about a dysfunctional family, about alcoholism and sexual child abuse, and yes, the events are shocking. My guess is that the author needed to work through her own loss of her mother after her death. That IS reasonable, and it IS great to hear of her mother’s strength of character, but I see this as a personal story, not one that I can empathize with. Maybe that is my fault rather than the author’s, but that is how I reacted! Maybe the author through writing the book reached closure, but do you write a book and publish it when you are doing this for yourself? I, the reader, am left confused and without closure. This book will perhaps be more appreciated by one who has dealt with child abuse and alcoholism in their own family…… for them, this may be a helpful book.
In the audiobook the author reads her own book, and she does this very well. She has a British accent, since her Mom had her after she had immigrated to England. England was her home if never really her mother’s. It is interesting: kids should realize their parents have had a whole life before they ever arrived on the scene and often we know very little about that previous life. Do we ask and do our parents tell us?
I did like this book, but it should have been better organized, made less confusing and cleaned up a bit, so for me it ended up just being OK. Often, but not always, I did like how she strung together her words. How an author writes is important to me. Some authors have such a talent and others just don’t. I do think I would try another book by this author.
Life in South Africa is also thrown in, with some brief sections on Nelson Mandela and a few other political figures, but what is the purpose of this book? Is it to relate how historical events affect families? No, I don’t think so. Is it the author’s attempt to understand her mother and her own family? She says that is why she is writing it, but then why does she say she will return but doesn’t?
Or is this simply someone writing a memoir about their family? Ahhhh, this will make an exciting book! I’ve got a story to tell. Everyone nowadays wants to write their own memoir. The basic story here is about a dysfunctional family, about alcoholism and sexual child abuse, and yes, the events are shocking. My guess is that the author needed to work through her own loss of her mother after her death. That IS reasonable, and it IS great to hear of her mother’s strength of character, but I see this as a personal story, not one that I can empathize with. Maybe that is my fault rather than the author’s, but that is how I reacted! Maybe the author through writing the book reached closure, but do you write a book and publish it when you are doing this for yourself? I, the reader, am left confused and without closure. This book will perhaps be more appreciated by one who has dealt with child abuse and alcoholism in their own family…… for them, this may be a helpful book.
In the audiobook the author reads her own book, and she does this very well. She has a British accent, since her Mom had her after she had immigrated to England. England was her home if never really her mother’s. It is interesting: kids should realize their parents have had a whole life before they ever arrived on the scene and often we know very little about that previous life. Do we ask and do our parents tell us?
I did like this book, but it should have been better organized, made less confusing and cleaned up a bit, so for me it ended up just being OK. Often, but not always, I did like how she strung together her words. How an author writes is important to me. Some authors have such a talent and others just don’t. I do think I would try another book by this author.
May 29, 2013
Not exactly the work of chilling suspense promised in the blurb - but that's OK. What I enjoyed about this book was the way in which the author conveyed that disconcerting feeling that your parents are both people you know and, at the same time, historical characters with a whole life before you existed.
January 21, 2018
This was a difficult book to read on several levels. First, it describes the worst imaginable situation for children in a highly dysfunctional family; there were many things in it that just plain made me sick.
Style-wise, the book jumped around a bit as the author embarked on a journey of discovery about her mother's life before having a husband and child of her own. There were so many different people involved in the story, and so many different accounts of what happened that I had difficulty following it at times.
Still, the author's journey to understand her mother's "before" life before was engaging and illuminating in some ways.
Style-wise, the book jumped around a bit as the author embarked on a journey of discovery about her mother's life before having a husband and child of her own. There were so many different people involved in the story, and so many different accounts of what happened that I had difficulty following it at times.
Still, the author's journey to understand her mother's "before" life before was engaging and illuminating in some ways.
July 13, 2013
Full disclosure: I received an ARC through the Amazon Vine program. Before that I had marked this one as 'to-read' but the chances of that happening were minimal, had I not received a free copy.
I thought I was done with memoirs; they had all been following the same dusty and worn path through the same family dysfunctions, the same foreign vistas, the same unhappy marriages. The same redemption through therapy or backpacking or child-rearing or organic farming. It must be difficult writing one's memoirs, I thought. Sorting through all of those memories, digging up all of that pain, only to have some old lady like me, who devours three books a week finish yours feeling bored and listless, because, frankly, lady or dude, you have no problems that aren't mirrored in one of my family members, let alone fifteen other memoirs currently in print and sitting on the front table in Barnes and Noble right now, paperback cover curled up from the bottom, flapping in the breeze as latte-customers exit through the doors. You have taken no drastic steps towards fulfillment that can't be read about somewhere else, that can't be dug up over Manhattans with a co-worker or grandmother or old friend. Not much is new under the sun.
This isn't to say I'd given up hope on memoir in general - I just didn't know how a person could possibly write one of interest, unless they were already well known and/or respected for some other accomplishment. Curing cancer. Being an artist. Writing books that aren't about themselves.
Two books of late have reopened the possibility of memoirs as a genre to me: Sonali Deraniyagala's Wave and She Left Me the Gun . Wave, I've reviewed elsewhere and will only mention here that it turned the disaster survival and grief memoir subgenres on their heads, for the clarity and honesty of the prose and the grace with which it is written in the face of such a terrible life story.
She Left Me the Gun is not so remarkable for it's story, which is given up in the book's blurb. It stands out because it was written like a novel. A young woman's mother dies, leaving her with a crust of a family story and a few addresses and like that young woman is off in search of adventure and her history in a new land, knowing from the crust of what she knows that what she'll find isn't pretty. There isn't the 'ooh - look at me!' flash and bang that other memoirs succumb to when the writing runs out. There is no obnoxious autopsychoanalysis to stretch this book from 125 pages to 300. There is good prose, a solid story peopled with lively characters, and like all good stories about people, some small reflection of your own self in them. Despite what the graphic artist who did the cover and Nora Ephron, who apparently developed the title, would have you know, the gun plays only a small role in the narrative. This is more of a tribute to an indomitable woman, Paula Brocke, by her daughter who wanted to finish that one last conversation with her mum.
I thought I was done with memoirs; they had all been following the same dusty and worn path through the same family dysfunctions, the same foreign vistas, the same unhappy marriages. The same redemption through therapy or backpacking or child-rearing or organic farming. It must be difficult writing one's memoirs, I thought. Sorting through all of those memories, digging up all of that pain, only to have some old lady like me, who devours three books a week finish yours feeling bored and listless, because, frankly, lady or dude, you have no problems that aren't mirrored in one of my family members, let alone fifteen other memoirs currently in print and sitting on the front table in Barnes and Noble right now, paperback cover curled up from the bottom, flapping in the breeze as latte-customers exit through the doors. You have taken no drastic steps towards fulfillment that can't be read about somewhere else, that can't be dug up over Manhattans with a co-worker or grandmother or old friend. Not much is new under the sun.
This isn't to say I'd given up hope on memoir in general - I just didn't know how a person could possibly write one of interest, unless they were already well known and/or respected for some other accomplishment. Curing cancer. Being an artist. Writing books that aren't about themselves.
Two books of late have reopened the possibility of memoirs as a genre to me: Sonali Deraniyagala's Wave and She Left Me the Gun . Wave, I've reviewed elsewhere and will only mention here that it turned the disaster survival and grief memoir subgenres on their heads, for the clarity and honesty of the prose and the grace with which it is written in the face of such a terrible life story.
She Left Me the Gun is not so remarkable for it's story, which is given up in the book's blurb. It stands out because it was written like a novel. A young woman's mother dies, leaving her with a crust of a family story and a few addresses and like that young woman is off in search of adventure and her history in a new land, knowing from the crust of what she knows that what she'll find isn't pretty. There isn't the 'ooh - look at me!' flash and bang that other memoirs succumb to when the writing runs out. There is no obnoxious autopsychoanalysis to stretch this book from 125 pages to 300. There is good prose, a solid story peopled with lively characters, and like all good stories about people, some small reflection of your own self in them. Despite what the graphic artist who did the cover and Nora Ephron, who apparently developed the title, would have you know, the gun plays only a small role in the narrative. This is more of a tribute to an indomitable woman, Paula Brocke, by her daughter who wanted to finish that one last conversation with her mum.
April 25, 2016
I became interested in this book when I read a newspaper article by the author about her mother's death and how difficult she had found having to spend a night on her own in her deceased mother's house. Despite lacking any belief in ghosts, the soul or the afterlife, I've had a very similar experience myself, so when I found out Brockes had written a book about her late mother I couldn't wait to get my hands on it.
The title is extremely interesting and intriguing. 'She left me the gun'. What kind of gun was that, I wondered. A real gun or a metaphorical one as when we mean to say something about mother-daughter connections, matrilineal lines or loaded relationships? The first few pages got me sucked in. The book begins with a story about the narrator's grandmother in South Africa who married a man that was a 'talented carpenter, a talented artist, a convicted murderer and a very bad poet'. Just putting the words 'convicted murderer' amongst the others makes for a very exciting first paragraph. What was the murder he had been convicted for? Did the grandmother know about this? Did he commit another one? The picture of that grandfather on page 1 - a tall, slim man with fine features and smart clothes - does not belie any murderous inclinations.
Alas, the grandmother dies two years after she gives birth to a baby girl - the narrator's mother - and we get to know a few bits of family history. That the family on the grandmother's side lost touch with the baby; that the grandfather remarried; that when that girl grows up she goes to London where she marries and has a daughter (the narrator); that she doesn't talk very much about the past and only tells her duahter a few stories 'about her childhood, her work, her friends'. And then comes the crucial bit: 'When she was in her mid-twenties, she said, she'd had her father arrested. There had been a highly publicised court case, during which he had defended himself, cross-examining his own children in the witness box and destroying them one by one. Her stepmother had covered for him. He had been found not guilty'.
Bang! Shock and awe! That woman, Brockes, sure knows how to draw one in! Another murder? Theft? Incest? Probably the latter as young girls do not normally get their fathers arrested except when they've done something horrible to the family. Who did he do it then, herself or a sibling?
This court case of an evasive crime becomes the backbone of the book. Unfortunately, there is a problem here as Emma Brockes weaves two different threads, a journey of discovery about her mother's past and a detective story that needs to get resolved. It should be possible in principle to integrate these two threads successfully but I found myself skipping bits of the 'discovery' part to get to the 'detective' part. Was it indeed incest as we suspect at the beginning? If so, who was the victim? What happens when the father is declared 'not-guilty'? Does he turn against the daughter, and if so, does she have to flee? Is that why she leaves for London?
I think the problem is that with the court case and insinuation of incest Brockes has such a strong story on her hands that the interest of the reader gets chanelled to that at the expense of the other elements (process of self-discovery and identity formation). On the plus side, the writing is excellent and one does get to see a mother-daughter relationship as it unfolds and develops over time.
The title is extremely interesting and intriguing. 'She left me the gun'. What kind of gun was that, I wondered. A real gun or a metaphorical one as when we mean to say something about mother-daughter connections, matrilineal lines or loaded relationships? The first few pages got me sucked in. The book begins with a story about the narrator's grandmother in South Africa who married a man that was a 'talented carpenter, a talented artist, a convicted murderer and a very bad poet'. Just putting the words 'convicted murderer' amongst the others makes for a very exciting first paragraph. What was the murder he had been convicted for? Did the grandmother know about this? Did he commit another one? The picture of that grandfather on page 1 - a tall, slim man with fine features and smart clothes - does not belie any murderous inclinations.
Alas, the grandmother dies two years after she gives birth to a baby girl - the narrator's mother - and we get to know a few bits of family history. That the family on the grandmother's side lost touch with the baby; that the grandfather remarried; that when that girl grows up she goes to London where she marries and has a daughter (the narrator); that she doesn't talk very much about the past and only tells her duahter a few stories 'about her childhood, her work, her friends'. And then comes the crucial bit: 'When she was in her mid-twenties, she said, she'd had her father arrested. There had been a highly publicised court case, during which he had defended himself, cross-examining his own children in the witness box and destroying them one by one. Her stepmother had covered for him. He had been found not guilty'.
Bang! Shock and awe! That woman, Brockes, sure knows how to draw one in! Another murder? Theft? Incest? Probably the latter as young girls do not normally get their fathers arrested except when they've done something horrible to the family. Who did he do it then, herself or a sibling?
This court case of an evasive crime becomes the backbone of the book. Unfortunately, there is a problem here as Emma Brockes weaves two different threads, a journey of discovery about her mother's past and a detective story that needs to get resolved. It should be possible in principle to integrate these two threads successfully but I found myself skipping bits of the 'discovery' part to get to the 'detective' part. Was it indeed incest as we suspect at the beginning? If so, who was the victim? What happens when the father is declared 'not-guilty'? Does he turn against the daughter, and if so, does she have to flee? Is that why she leaves for London?
I think the problem is that with the court case and insinuation of incest Brockes has such a strong story on her hands that the interest of the reader gets chanelled to that at the expense of the other elements (process of self-discovery and identity formation). On the plus side, the writing is excellent and one does get to see a mother-daughter relationship as it unfolds and develops over time.
June 13, 2013
"It’s one of those memoirs that remind you why you liked memoirs in the first place, back before every featherhead in your writers’ group was trying to peddle one." -- NY Times Book Review
Mesmerizing, with sharp and precise writing and a fascinating woman (the author's mother) at the center. Skillfully avoids being excessively grim despite the subject matter.
Mesmerizing, with sharp and precise writing and a fascinating woman (the author's mother) at the center. Skillfully avoids being excessively grim despite the subject matter.
November 27, 2015
Journalistin zu sein und ein schreckliches Familiengeheimnis auszugraben, bedeutet nicht automatisch ein lesenswertes Buch auf den Markt zu bringen. Die Autorin hätte besser daran getan, ihre Recherchen zur Vergangenheit ihrer Mutter und deren Familie in Südafrika, nur für sich selbst niederzuschreiben oder als Teil einer privaten Familienchronik.
Dass es Emma Brockes nach dem Tod ihrer Mutter beschäftigt, warum diese nach ihrer Emigration nach England nie wieder in ihre südafrikanische Heimat zurückgekehrt ist und warum sie stets zur ihrer Lebzeit seltsame Andeutungen machte, sie müsse ihrer Tochter eines Tages ihre Familiengeschichte erzählen, ist verständlich. Dass sie deshalb Kontakt zu Geschwistern aufnimmt und schließlich nach Südafrika reist, ist die logische Folge. Welche lähmende und schockierende Wirkung ihre Recherchen auf sie selbst haben musste, kann ich ebenfalls verstehen. Wieso sie jedoch diese veröffentlichen musste, wird sich mir nie erschließen.
Wenn es ihr zumindest gelungen wäre, ihrem Buch Struktur und einen zeitlich logischen Aufbau zu verleihen. Noch fataler wirkt sich die fehlende emotionale Distanz der Autorin auf das Lesen aus. Sie springt von einer Anekdote zur nächsten. Dazwischen fügt sie neue Erkenntnisse, Gedanken, Einfälle ein oder gar uninteressante Dialoge mit ihren Verwandten. Ich wurde das Gefühl nie los, dass die Autorin keinerlei Konzept hat, sondern stattdessen, sich ihr Leid von der Seele schreibt. Wenn es diesen therapeutischen Effekt in ihr ausgelöst hat, freue ich mich aufrichtig für sie. Aber als Leserin gibt mir das Buch überhaupt nichts. Schade!
Dass es Emma Brockes nach dem Tod ihrer Mutter beschäftigt, warum diese nach ihrer Emigration nach England nie wieder in ihre südafrikanische Heimat zurückgekehrt ist und warum sie stets zur ihrer Lebzeit seltsame Andeutungen machte, sie müsse ihrer Tochter eines Tages ihre Familiengeschichte erzählen, ist verständlich. Dass sie deshalb Kontakt zu Geschwistern aufnimmt und schließlich nach Südafrika reist, ist die logische Folge. Welche lähmende und schockierende Wirkung ihre Recherchen auf sie selbst haben musste, kann ich ebenfalls verstehen. Wieso sie jedoch diese veröffentlichen musste, wird sich mir nie erschließen.
Wenn es ihr zumindest gelungen wäre, ihrem Buch Struktur und einen zeitlich logischen Aufbau zu verleihen. Noch fataler wirkt sich die fehlende emotionale Distanz der Autorin auf das Lesen aus. Sie springt von einer Anekdote zur nächsten. Dazwischen fügt sie neue Erkenntnisse, Gedanken, Einfälle ein oder gar uninteressante Dialoge mit ihren Verwandten. Ich wurde das Gefühl nie los, dass die Autorin keinerlei Konzept hat, sondern stattdessen, sich ihr Leid von der Seele schreibt. Wenn es diesen therapeutischen Effekt in ihr ausgelöst hat, freue ich mich aufrichtig für sie. Aber als Leserin gibt mir das Buch überhaupt nichts. Schade!
March 19, 2013
I'll preface by saying that I read the advanced uncorrected proof and a good edit might make a huge different, but as it stands the description of "a chilling work of psychological suspense" is inaccurate. This isn't a mystery or a crime novel, it's a memoir and you understand early on exactly what happened.
Regardless of the misleading description, I have mixed feelings about this book. On one hand I love that Brockes is so awe struck by the strength that her mother had in leaving behind an abusive childhood to not only find her place as a strong woman in the world, but to give her child a safe and loving home. I think that each and every one of us is humbled by such acts of courage and would love to find an opportunity to pay tribute to the quiet heroes like Paula. So for that, I applaud Brockes.
However, this book was as much travelogue for Brockes as it was tribute to her mother. While I understand that you could only tell so much of Paula’s struggle to build a new life without Paula as a source, the mundane details of her travels such as Brockes’s drinking parties or her apathy toward work were not of any interest to me.
Regardless of the misleading description, I have mixed feelings about this book. On one hand I love that Brockes is so awe struck by the strength that her mother had in leaving behind an abusive childhood to not only find her place as a strong woman in the world, but to give her child a safe and loving home. I think that each and every one of us is humbled by such acts of courage and would love to find an opportunity to pay tribute to the quiet heroes like Paula. So for that, I applaud Brockes.
However, this book was as much travelogue for Brockes as it was tribute to her mother. While I understand that you could only tell so much of Paula’s struggle to build a new life without Paula as a source, the mundane details of her travels such as Brockes’s drinking parties or her apathy toward work were not of any interest to me.
lookedinto-decidedagainst
March 6, 2014
BOTWAfter the events of this week I'm not much looking for further real-life dramas. This'll come around again on R4x at some point; I'll catch it then.
June 18, 2014
Brockes' mother Pauline left South Africa as a young woman and it is not until Brockes is an adult and her mother has died that she finds out the full story of her mother's family. In some ways, this is an incredibly disturbing book - Pauline's father was a violent and sexually abusive alchoholic and the stories about him are truly horrific. But it is just as much about the ability to create a life worth living out even out of the most difficult of surroundings. Also, Brockes has a very light touch - I found myself laughing a number of times, though granted the hunour was very dark.
It's amazing what people live through.
An excellent book.
It's amazing what people live through.
An excellent book.
April 19, 2013
From BBC Radio - Book of the Week:
Warm and moving memoir in which the author uncovers dark family secrets.
Books of the Times Family Ghosts, Kept at Bay - NYT review.
Warm and moving memoir in which the author uncovers dark family secrets.
Books of the Times Family Ghosts, Kept at Bay - NYT review.
April 9, 2015
Emma's mother had hinted at a traumatic past yet, due to resistance on both sides, she died without sharing the troubling story with her daughter. As part of her grieving process, Brockes takes it upon herself to pursue the trail of this history - a pursuit leading directly to South Africa; the townships, the legal archives, and the many reticent relatives who might shed light on the forces that formed the woman she knew.
There is an element of mystery's solving in this report of her quest, but the book is far more one of our modern memoirs in which the experience of the inwardly-turned author takes center stage. Here is an accounting of grief, guilt, fear and the forced confrontation with loss. Brockes has a unique voice, and an honest one, which is what you need when you're writing about something you haven't yet finished going through and, in many ways, aren't quite willing to own.
There is an element of mystery's solving in this report of her quest, but the book is far more one of our modern memoirs in which the experience of the inwardly-turned author takes center stage. Here is an accounting of grief, guilt, fear and the forced confrontation with loss. Brockes has a unique voice, and an honest one, which is what you need when you're writing about something you haven't yet finished going through and, in many ways, aren't quite willing to own.
September 9, 2014
What an intense read! She merges two storylines very effectively: her mother's horrific story of childhood abuse and her own story of uncovering it.
As someone who teaches genealogy professionally, I care a lot about WHY people are compelled to trace their family stories, especially when they know what they find won't be picture-perfect. I also care a lot about the process they use. Emma does a fantastic job of communicating the "why," mostly by letting her see inside her last days with her mother before she passes away. And she gives just enough description of the research process in old court records to show she's really done her homework--without boring those who don't care very much about the documents used to reconstruct the past.
As someone who teaches genealogy professionally, I care a lot about WHY people are compelled to trace their family stories, especially when they know what they find won't be picture-perfect. I also care a lot about the process they use. Emma does a fantastic job of communicating the "why," mostly by letting her see inside her last days with her mother before she passes away. And she gives just enough description of the research process in old court records to show she's really done her homework--without boring those who don't care very much about the documents used to reconstruct the past.
January 26, 2019
I'm kind of unsure what to say here. Its not that the writing is bad, it's not, but...it is kind of all over the place and there were times when I found things kind of hard to follow.
It made me feel bad and disgusted and angry. At the same time, I wasn't really interested in some aspects of this story that seemed to have veered off. I know this is the author's journey and her family and discoveries...but I was...I don't know.
Also, I don't think this should be at all advertised as a "chilling work of psychological suspense" because it's not.
I think the reality is maybe this just isn't my kind of thing to read.
It made me feel bad and disgusted and angry. At the same time, I wasn't really interested in some aspects of this story that seemed to have veered off. I know this is the author's journey and her family and discoveries...but I was...I don't know.
Also, I don't think this should be at all advertised as a "chilling work of psychological suspense" because it's not.
I think the reality is maybe this just isn't my kind of thing to read.
June 12, 2015
Warning: this review references accounts of sexual abuse and violence.
I heard about this book from Genealogy Gems, a family history podcast I listen to. They had a brief interview with the author and the story intrigued me.
I was a little worried about reading the book because I knew it would deal with domestic violence and sexual abuse and that always troubles me. In fact, I tend to avoid books with abuse in it because it is really hard for me to cope. I was definitely bothered by what happened, but the author did such a good job of emphasizing the strength and tenacity of her mother that while you feel sorry for her, you can't pity her because she transcended the tragedy of her young life.
This book is a rambling memoir of journalist, Emma Brockes, attempt to discover the past of her mother in South Africa. Emma Brocke's grandfather was a convicted murderer who served a minimal jail sentence and then charmed a young woman into marrying him, Emma's grandmother. Emma's grandmother dies when her daughter, Emma's mother, Paula, is only two . Paula is then raised by a very young stepmother, who is also at the mercy of the abuse of a very violent husband.
Emma Brockes never had the courage to ask her mother for the details of her life, so when she dies, Emma goes to South Africa to ferret out the truth through court records, newspaper articles, and interviews with Paula's half siblings-several brothers and sisters who all were seriously affected by the chaos, abuse, and tragedy of their childhoods. What follows is the story of a young woman who had strength to try all in her power to protect her younger siblings and family, even taking her father to court.
Eventually, Paula was able to break free of this vicious family cycle and moved to England, where she married and raised a daughter. Her strength in being able to raise her daughter, Emma, in a healthy way is remarkable considering the extreme dysfunction of her childhood.
This is the kind of book I would share with people who downplay the long-term effects of child abuse. Very powerful read.
I heard about this book from Genealogy Gems, a family history podcast I listen to. They had a brief interview with the author and the story intrigued me.
I was a little worried about reading the book because I knew it would deal with domestic violence and sexual abuse and that always troubles me. In fact, I tend to avoid books with abuse in it because it is really hard for me to cope. I was definitely bothered by what happened, but the author did such a good job of emphasizing the strength and tenacity of her mother that while you feel sorry for her, you can't pity her because she transcended the tragedy of her young life.
This book is a rambling memoir of journalist, Emma Brockes, attempt to discover the past of her mother in South Africa. Emma Brocke's grandfather was a convicted murderer who served a minimal jail sentence and then charmed a young woman into marrying him, Emma's grandmother. Emma's grandmother dies when her daughter, Emma's mother, Paula, is only two . Paula is then raised by a very young stepmother, who is also at the mercy of the abuse of a very violent husband.
Emma Brockes never had the courage to ask her mother for the details of her life, so when she dies, Emma goes to South Africa to ferret out the truth through court records, newspaper articles, and interviews with Paula's half siblings-several brothers and sisters who all were seriously affected by the chaos, abuse, and tragedy of their childhoods. What follows is the story of a young woman who had strength to try all in her power to protect her younger siblings and family, even taking her father to court.
Eventually, Paula was able to break free of this vicious family cycle and moved to England, where she married and raised a daughter. Her strength in being able to raise her daughter, Emma, in a healthy way is remarkable considering the extreme dysfunction of her childhood.
This is the kind of book I would share with people who downplay the long-term effects of child abuse. Very powerful read.
March 18, 2016
"She Left Me the Gun: My Mother's Life Before Me" - written by Emma Brockes and published in 2013 by Penguin. This book is the featured suggestion of a book club newly formed by Lisa Louise Cooke's The Genealogy Gems, so the family history focus is a given. Author Brockes realized, upon the death of her mother Paula, that she knew very little of her mother's early life in South Africa, which likely included some dark secrets. This well-paced novel explores that life through many conversations with friends and family, and some helpful paper-trail research - "That the numbers in my notepad might correspond with a physical object in this building or in the vaults under it seems to me as improbable as stumbling on a message in a bottle which, when unfurled, has your own name upon it. Not just your name, but your family's darkest secrets, typed up by a third party and signed by witnesses."
Brockes spends a lot of time in South Africa, resulting in some amusing episodes, and there she sees direct evidence of the "racial pecking order." At one point, she and a black friend stop for a drink, "...where the barman sends over free drinks; mixed-race parties, even British ones, look good for business..." I love her description of stories her mother told, "dazzling set pieces" that she heard over and over. A cast of lively personalities fill the book, as Brockes bravely tries to open closed doors. She is a sharply observant writer.
In the end, the book tells a fascinating story of Brocke's mother - "I imagine her a little like the Enigma machine, ticking over for months and years, trying every possible mathematical combination until she cracked a way to live." Those early years are revealed, and you have to nod and agree with Paula when she says, "It's not for sissies, this life."
Brockes spends a lot of time in South Africa, resulting in some amusing episodes, and there she sees direct evidence of the "racial pecking order." At one point, she and a black friend stop for a drink, "...where the barman sends over free drinks; mixed-race parties, even British ones, look good for business..." I love her description of stories her mother told, "dazzling set pieces" that she heard over and over. A cast of lively personalities fill the book, as Brockes bravely tries to open closed doors. She is a sharply observant writer.
In the end, the book tells a fascinating story of Brocke's mother - "I imagine her a little like the Enigma machine, ticking over for months and years, trying every possible mathematical combination until she cracked a way to live." Those early years are revealed, and you have to nod and agree with Paula when she says, "It's not for sissies, this life."
June 5, 2013
With a glowing New York Times review, this book certainly has already caught a lot of attention. But it lives up to its accolades - it has been a long time since I have read a memoir as gripping, as emotional and as genuinely moving. It is certainly a dark memoir that covers a lot of horror, but Brockes’ own perspective provides a buffering distance as she pieces together her mother’s first twenty-five years in South Africa. But even with this bit of distance, Brockes’ grief for the loss of her mother adds another layer of deep emotion. But it is an engrossing read, and one that leaves the reader feeling as though they have accompanied Brockes on every step of her difficult journey to truth.
Brockes combines the distaff line of her family’s history along with her real first encounters with them. This all takes place against the stunning landscape of South Africa, which also leaves quite an impression on the author. The country is beautifully described - without being overly romantic or overly fearful (despite the air of violence around so many encounters). Brockes also weaves in a bit of historical context along the way, as well. I know a few people from South Africa and I am eager for them to read this, too, so that I can see how they feel about Brockes’ portrayal of their country.
It’s a very well-written memoir, with a catchy title and a steady pace. I must admit that I thought the book built towards a final revelation, but this is a memoir and though it does read as quickly as a fiction novel, Brockes doesn’t overplay it to have it feel like anything other than a family’s sad history, revealed.
Brockes combines the distaff line of her family’s history along with her real first encounters with them. This all takes place against the stunning landscape of South Africa, which also leaves quite an impression on the author. The country is beautifully described - without being overly romantic or overly fearful (despite the air of violence around so many encounters). Brockes also weaves in a bit of historical context along the way, as well. I know a few people from South Africa and I am eager for them to read this, too, so that I can see how they feel about Brockes’ portrayal of their country.
It’s a very well-written memoir, with a catchy title and a steady pace. I must admit that I thought the book built towards a final revelation, but this is a memoir and though it does read as quickly as a fiction novel, Brockes doesn’t overplay it to have it feel like anything other than a family’s sad history, revealed.
October 7, 2013
This is my second hunt-down-the-truth-about-your-dead-parent memoir this year, and I'm definitely done. Because although Emma Brockes's mother led a much more interesting/horrifying life than Michael Hainey's dad (the subject of the highly unsensational After Visiting Friends), I still didn't find the individual stories within Brocke's years-long quest for the real story all that compelling. The baseline question: why did her mother flee South Africa in her late teens/early 20s, leaving behind her large family and many good friends, to live in London AND, why did she never return to even visit, nor have anyone come visit her for all those decades before she died? Yes, she wrote letters, and talked on the phone, but why the wall? After her mom's death (dad is still alive, by the way, but doesn't seem to know much either), Brockes screws up the courage to go to South Africa, first for a quick research trip and then a six month stay. I wish I could say that the unraveling was suspenseful, or moving, but it's not. We live through all the dead ends and unrevealing interviews with Brockes. We hear her repetitive internal monologue questioning the whole venture until we're numb. We watch her get really drunk. I think it's a distance issue: Brockes is a fine writer, and if she WERE her mom (the actual story--or, at least, the bits and pieces we finally learn--seems pretty harrowing, if kind-of not that unusual) there might be a fantastic book here. And I understand (sort of) WHY it's so important to Brockes. But to me, as told, there was little universal interest.
June 3, 2013
Emma Brocke's mother, Paula, had hinted at a troubled past but never quite got round to filling in the details. When Paula died Brocke felt the need to discover what her mother had not managed to tell her. She travels to South Africa, where Paula grew up until leaving for England in her early 20s. She delves into archives, and meets relatives whom she has mostly only heard of.
The process of her investigation is engaging, and the story she gradually uncovers is pretty fascinating, though very disturbing. The book is also interesting for its perspective on both Apartheid era and post-Apartheid South Africa, from the perspective of Brocke's white South African family.
I was quite pleased that there wasn't too much of Brocke herself in the book. In fact much of her own life is elided, so that visits to South Africa that are months apart almost run together.
She paints her South African family in vivid colours - you can really feel their struggle to transcend their traumatic family history, and their small everyday victories in having survived, though none of them are unscathed. But overall, this is a touching and evocative paean to Brocke's mother, who is painted most vividly of all.
The process of her investigation is engaging, and the story she gradually uncovers is pretty fascinating, though very disturbing. The book is also interesting for its perspective on both Apartheid era and post-Apartheid South Africa, from the perspective of Brocke's white South African family.
I was quite pleased that there wasn't too much of Brocke herself in the book. In fact much of her own life is elided, so that visits to South Africa that are months apart almost run together.
She paints her South African family in vivid colours - you can really feel their struggle to transcend their traumatic family history, and their small everyday victories in having survived, though none of them are unscathed. But overall, this is a touching and evocative paean to Brocke's mother, who is painted most vividly of all.
July 6, 2013
I am a fan of Emma Brockes, having read several of her profiles (ok, minus the infamous Chomsky interview). When I heard she wrote a book/memoir of her mother's days in South Africa, I was excited, as that country's history is one of my interests.
As I started reading the book and got to the middle of it, I became more and more disappointed. The book's plot basically doesn't exist. It is very choppy, jumps from one story line to another. It took me quite a while to figure out the intricate relationship Pauline had with all of her siblings. There also wasn't as much information as I was looking for about the actual trial. I was also disappointed about how much the author kept inserting herself and her occasional storylines vs. actually telling the story about her mother. If I wanted a book about "My life as Journalist" by Emma Brockes, I would've got that instead of a book about a woman persecuting her own father in the apartheid South Africa.
That said, this book cannot be called a memoir, a biography or even a historical fiction. Frankly speaking, I would've fired Ms. Brockes editor for allowing this book to be published in the form it is right now.
As I started reading the book and got to the middle of it, I became more and more disappointed. The book's plot basically doesn't exist. It is very choppy, jumps from one story line to another. It took me quite a while to figure out the intricate relationship Pauline had with all of her siblings. There also wasn't as much information as I was looking for about the actual trial. I was also disappointed about how much the author kept inserting herself and her occasional storylines vs. actually telling the story about her mother. If I wanted a book about "My life as Journalist" by Emma Brockes, I would've got that instead of a book about a woman persecuting her own father in the apartheid South Africa.
That said, this book cannot be called a memoir, a biography or even a historical fiction. Frankly speaking, I would've fired Ms. Brockes editor for allowing this book to be published in the form it is right now.
March 17, 2014
What could have been an interesting book, but in all honesty just poorly put together and disjointed. She repeated things. Like telling you a story then a few chapters later retelling it. Not referring to it but retelling it. She talks about the way her family skirted talking about some pretty horrific events and then does the same thing in her writing so that you know something happened but just like she accuses her family there is euphemisim, and implied and just flat out avoidance.
When she finally does talk about it, it's just so jumbled you're not sure what she is saying.
Plus she reveals things at the beginning but then when you would expect to flesh out the part in the timeline she is jumping around to something else. No clear story, time line, or sequence of events makes it hard for the reader to even form an opinion.
And a small thing but the title of the book is pretty much thrown away in the book. There is a gun but it's departure before you even get a third of the way through leaves you wondering why it's even mentioned other than maybe the attempt to appeal to sensationalism. Would not recommend.
When she finally does talk about it, it's just so jumbled you're not sure what she is saying.
Plus she reveals things at the beginning but then when you would expect to flesh out the part in the timeline she is jumping around to something else. No clear story, time line, or sequence of events makes it hard for the reader to even form an opinion.
And a small thing but the title of the book is pretty much thrown away in the book. There is a gun but it's departure before you even get a third of the way through leaves you wondering why it's even mentioned other than maybe the attempt to appeal to sensationalism. Would not recommend.
June 2, 2013
When I first picked up this book and read the dust jacket, I was expecting a memoir that would read a little like something from the true crime section. I was wrIong. While it was the crime that caused this family to "blow up," this book is actually about the relationships within a family. It's about keeping secrets and protective forgetting.
As the author goes about discovering her family in South Africa (her parents, grandparents and seven half siblings - and their children), the defining moments of her childhood are dealt out slowly. To have learned all of it at once would have been too much. I do wish that she had included a family tree (genogram) at the beginning of the book, as it would have made it much easier for me to keep everyone straight.
I really liked She Left Me the Gun, and have recommended it to several others - I think it would make an interesting selection for a book group. For me, the definitive sentence in the book is this: "I think of how one reality can sit inside another, like a Russian doll."
As the author goes about discovering her family in South Africa (her parents, grandparents and seven half siblings - and their children), the defining moments of her childhood are dealt out slowly. To have learned all of it at once would have been too much. I do wish that she had included a family tree (genogram) at the beginning of the book, as it would have made it much easier for me to keep everyone straight.
I really liked She Left Me the Gun, and have recommended it to several others - I think it would make an interesting selection for a book group. For me, the definitive sentence in the book is this: "I think of how one reality can sit inside another, like a Russian doll."
March 10, 2013
To be fair, I read the "advance uncorrected proof" of this book. A sharp and objective editor could make all the difference.
After her mother's death, the narrator goes on a quest to get information about her mother's family and younger life by traveling to the homeland to research, interview and gain a physical context. I liked the first 1/4 of this book but as the story line progressed it stopped being compelling to me. There were many half conversations throughout this process, interrupted by the narrator's own thoughts or some other circumstance, just as the character was about to reveal something crucial to the story. This had the effect of disjointedness and contrivance, as though the author needed to make the story longer or more suspenseful than it really was. Probably the author was also trying to bridge the gulf between what was sure to be a journey of deep personal meaning (to her) and her interested but objective audience of readers. It didn't really work for me.
After her mother's death, the narrator goes on a quest to get information about her mother's family and younger life by traveling to the homeland to research, interview and gain a physical context. I liked the first 1/4 of this book but as the story line progressed it stopped being compelling to me. There were many half conversations throughout this process, interrupted by the narrator's own thoughts or some other circumstance, just as the character was about to reveal something crucial to the story. This had the effect of disjointedness and contrivance, as though the author needed to make the story longer or more suspenseful than it really was. Probably the author was also trying to bridge the gulf between what was sure to be a journey of deep personal meaning (to her) and her interested but objective audience of readers. It didn't really work for me.
June 13, 2013
An affecting family memoir by a British woman. I read a galley of this. The appeal for me was the hilariously dark humor and turn of phrase; plus details of South Africa. There's a great New York Times review that made me read the book, at http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/14/boo....
The author's mother was a South African who had a difficult family life involving abuse, but didn't share the story with her English daughter but fiercely protected her. After her death, the journalist daughter travels to South Africa (seemingly around 2003/04) to find out the story, as a sort of cathartic grief thing. She gets more than she bargained for with her aunts, uncles, and cousins and their dysfunctional family relationships. I admire her mother tremendously for her strength. The story went on for too long, but the writing saved it.
The author's mother was a South African who had a difficult family life involving abuse, but didn't share the story with her English daughter but fiercely protected her. After her death, the journalist daughter travels to South Africa (seemingly around 2003/04) to find out the story, as a sort of cathartic grief thing. She gets more than she bargained for with her aunts, uncles, and cousins and their dysfunctional family relationships. I admire her mother tremendously for her strength. The story went on for too long, but the writing saved it.
June 10, 2017
Once when my gramma had just received news that one of her brothers had passed away- I told her (in only that self-absorbed shitty way teenagers can) that she would always have me.
Her eyes glinted as she looked at me like I was a special kind of stupid and said,
"Kid, I was a grown woman when we met. I just lost someone who knew me when I was an infant."
My gramma's words kept coming back to me while I read She Left Me the Gun.
The author's mom had an entire life before she had kids. A life full of abuse, and bravery, and escape, and support, and pain, and love.
A life in which she had a gun and used it.
It's not until her mother dies that Emma starts piecing together her mother's pre-Emma life.
Her eyes glinted as she looked at me like I was a special kind of stupid and said,
"Kid, I was a grown woman when we met. I just lost someone who knew me when I was an infant."
My gramma's words kept coming back to me while I read She Left Me the Gun.
The author's mom had an entire life before she had kids. A life full of abuse, and bravery, and escape, and support, and pain, and love.
A life in which she had a gun and used it.
It's not until her mother dies that Emma starts piecing together her mother's pre-Emma life.
August 11, 2013
In She Left Me the Gun, Brockes travels to South Africa after her mother dies to find out more about her mother's past. Her mother could certainly have written an interesting memoir - she lived in poverty with an abusive father and helped raise her half siblings before moving to England as a young adult to leave her past behind, even changing her name. While I found the descriptions of Brockes' journey to South Africa interesting, She Left Me The Gun includes a lot of somewhat mundane details about her search and ultimately wasn't as gripping as you'd expect a book titled She Left Me The Gun to be.
February 11, 2017
2.5⭐️ I'd say, but given this is a true account of the author's mother's harrowing life before hers, I feel bad rating it so low. But despite being gripped by the first third I just found the structure a bit all over the place and was struggling to follow the stories of certain individuals. I'm not sure I'd call it a psychological/forensic suspense (as it does in its blurb) but it's certainly an interesting insight into the horrible childhood and life her mother had before her (that she never shared while alive). So given the subject matter I'm a little disappointed on how it was finally edited as I think it could have been so much better.
December 17, 2013
Brockes's writing is very formal; sometimes that makes for elegance, but it can be distractingly stiff as well. I'm very interested to find out her mother's story, and that of her "convicted murderer" grandfather.
After reading: I was kind of disappointed by the straightforward narrative. I'm not sure why Brockes needed to recap the detailed story of her research into her parents' history. I get that her visits to her extended family are part of her own understanding and reconciliation, but it was so very dry, and I wanted to hear her mom's story more.
After reading: I was kind of disappointed by the straightforward narrative. I'm not sure why Brockes needed to recap the detailed story of her research into her parents' history. I get that her visits to her extended family are part of her own understanding and reconciliation, but it was so very dry, and I wanted to hear her mom's story more.
July 4, 2013
Interesting memoir of a South African/English mother and daughter, and the secrets of the mother's damaged family. Maybe because I am American and used to everyone spilling their deepest darkest with ease, this felt like the author was holding back and keeping herself in the shadows of the book. That feeling was what kept me from giving it a 4.
May 26, 2016
Another boring "mommy" memoir. This time it was a super bloated, long-winded memoir about her mother's growing up in an abusive home in South Africa, which would have easily been condensed to a 3-4 page magazine article, but instead became a 300 page book staged with genealogy and filler. Suuuuuper annoying.
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