This is when it's sweet to be a nanny, when the baby is asleep and all the morning stuff is done. I'm drinking nettle tea for no good reason and I found a French classical station so the station breaks aren't so irritating.
Necessary Errors is the book I should write. I picked it out at the airport bookstore because the cover has a satisfying texture and the pages have deckled edges, indicating that although it is new, and a paperback, the publishers consider it fairly literturey, and it should be read in that spirit. It also has book flaps as if the cover were a dust jacket, which is a pleasing if a little pretentious idiosyncrasy. When it first dawned on me that this was the book I should write I peeked at the bio on the back flap and the author, Crain, is a graduate of fancy schools and lives in Brooklyn, so that was deflating. I was secretly hoping he washed dishes in Toronto or something so we could stay analogous. Oh well, this is still the book I should write.
"The avowal reminded him of people he knew from school with high but vague ambitions, who after graduation had moved to bad neighborhoods and taken jobs supposedly beneath them, in order not to be reminded of the larger competition they hadn't wished to enter."
I've often desperately wondered if I should pick a really great shtick or gimmick or painstakingly develop an "original voice" and commit to it fully and write a book like that, just a relentlessly odd book that people might feel comfortable calling 'distinctive.' Some of my peers have gone that route with the arts and it seems to have worked out well, finding a niche, like the woman who carves sculptures out of crayons. I'm not saying she's my peer, but I am saying she's found her niche. To me, that's essentially a marketing decision, but who says I'd be capable of either extreme originality or extreme commitment? Denigrating those things or the authenticity of successful artists is dangerous mental territory and a deflection.
Plus I hate reading books like that, much less trying to write one. But what kind of book would I actually like to write? A pretty good novel, I think, with normal grammar and a normal structure-- Sentences, paragraphs, scenes, dialouge, chapters-- with a plot where not much happens, but it's all kind of bittersweet and closely observed. A decent book with a lot of specifics and a lot of musing. I love reading Kundera and Steinbeck, for example. They would be the ultimate. But their elegant structures and epic metaphors are not what I'd be shooting for.
I was editing a book of poetry that had Spanish on one page and the English translation on the opposing one. As we were struggling with connotations in both languages, the man I was writing it with explained he wanted it to be like Neruda, lyrical in both languages, but meaning the exact same thing in both, too. And I was just flabbergasted at his audacity... Oh, just like that, huh? Now that it's clear... and I was like, "but you know he's Neruda, right?" This book is on the outside edge of what I could hope to shoot for, and just even thinking that in some corner of my mind seems like a bold move to me, but I might have to be willing to be a little bold, if only in my imagination, if I'm ever going to undertake anything.
First I was intimidated by how Crain manages to describe, for example, the way the reflected light from a ceiling lamp ripples down a lacquered oak table as he walks alongside it across a boardroom to meet someone. That's just the kind of thing I'd like to reference in the paragraphs in my book. If I started with the meeting, I'd never be able to add that detail. But it is a "debut" novel, so I was reassured to realize that perhaps Crain had a lifetime of journals with just such details in them, and he might not have begun with the meeting; he may have hung everything around all the things he's meant to put in a book since the beginning. They say that happens with first novels, why they're so hard to follow. Well, in my 4th grade time capsule I wrote under goals that "I'd like to write just one good book" so that would be ok.
Crain captures not only physical details, but specific feelings marvelously, with a grace that can only be born out of a kind of exquisite conscientiousness.
"It was late morning when they settled into their train compartment, and they collapsed at once in the pleasant, premature fatigue that follows a successful morning departure, especially one achieved with only minutes to spare--by the time they had reached the train station, they had been cheerfully shouting at each other to hurry--and that serves as a kind of blanket to protect the traveler from the strangeness and emptiness that follow."
I can feel the kind of labor behind this paragraph that I can imagine putting in. Each of his sentences has that evident labor in it, as if every word was carefully considered, hesitated over, but ultimately it all turned out kind of beautiful.
Another reason why I should write this book: Throughout the book the main character sees the joy in each moment, each conversation, each relationship, as necessarily born out of its future loss. This is not so much 'living in the moment,' but something borne out of a future self, already observing with lonely nostalgia. It is the constant theme of every scene from page one to the last and I think the same way, so I was grateful because many of the carefully described feelings that made me go 'exactly!' were subtle variations on that sensation, that tone.
"What it felt like, practically speaking, was that one looked forward in the morning to the events of the day for themselves--to riding the rickety, musical tram, or drinking a beer with friends. One did not think about getting through the day, or about winning anything with the use of it--there was no idea of losing the day as if in trade for something else. It was lost innocently, for nothing. But this quality of loss would have to be lost, in turn."
Unfortunately, this book is already written. And I was clearly drawn to it too, because the main character is a writer who doesn't write. But writers who don't write are only interesting, in fact only exist, when writers who do write write about them. That's from my journal. Oops the baby is up. I've muted the monitor, but the green lights are still jutting toward the right and turning orange to scream at me. This'll have to do, as is, for writing today.