Beet: A Novel by Roger Rosenblatt

by Roger Rosenblatt

Why is Professor Peace Porterfield trying to save Beet College? His own wife, Livi, hates the place. The Board of Trustees, led by developer Joel Bollovate, has squandered the endowment. Debutante-cum-self-styled-poet Matha Polite, an indis-criminate radical with a four-student following, wants to bring the institution down. Akim Ben Ladin (né Arthur Horowitz), a sweet-tempered terrorist hopeful and the college's only Homeland Security major (who lives in an off-campus cave), wants to blow up the school. Faculty members, when not concocting useless, trendy courses, fly at one another's throats. Not to mention that American higher education is already going down the tubes.

So why is Porterfield trying to save Beet?

Beats us.

Genres: Fiction, Humor, Academia

Paperback

First published January 29, 2008

About the author

ROGER ROSENBLATT, whose work has been published in 14 languages, is the author of five New York Times Notable Books of the Year, and three Times bestsellers, including the memoirs KAYAK MORNING, THE BOY DETECTIVE, and MAKING TOAST, originally an essay in the New Yorker. His newest book is THE STORY I AM, a collection on writing and the writing life.

Rosenblatt has also written seven off-Broadway plays, notably the one-person Free Speech in America, that he performed at the American Place Theater, named one of the Times's "Ten Best Plays of 1991." Last spring at the Bay Street Theater in Sag Harbor, he performed and played piano in his play, Lives in the Basement, Does Nothing, which will go to the Staller Center for the Arts at Stony Brook, and the Flea Theater in New York in 2021. He also wrote the screenplay for his bestselling novel LAPHAM RISING, to star Frank Langella, Stockard Channing, and Bobby Cannavale, currently in production.

The Distinguished Professor of English and Writing at SUNY Stony Brook/Southampton, he formerly held the Briggs-Copeland appointment in creative writing at Harvard, where he earned his Ph.D. Among his honors are two George Polk Awards; the Peabody, and the Emmy, for his essays at Time magazine and on PBS; a Fulbright to Ireland, where he played on the Irish International Basketball Team; seven honorary doctorates; the Kenyon Review Award for Lifetime Literary Achievement; and the President's Medal from the Chautauqua Institution for his body of work.

Reviews

[Jean · Rating 4 out of 5]

A funny, laugh out loud satire about higher education that you'll love if you like Roger's less than politically correct approach! He writes fast and furious and uses words that you'll have to stop and look up...at least I did. I highly recommend it...especially to those who have been in education. I saw him in person and his personality is just as relaxed and outrageous as his characters.

[Jason Pettus · Rating 2 out of 5]

(Reprinted from the Chicago Center for Literature and Photography [cclapcenter.com]. I am the original author of this essay, as well as the owner of CCLaP; it is not being reprinted here illegally.)

Ugh -- yet another oddball comedy about obscure private colleges and the small towns they affect, full of cardboard-cutout characters so obvious and well-worn by now, you can practically stand them up and have them walk on their own. Why again did I decide to read Roger Rosenblatt's Beet? Oh yeah, that's right, because it actually received favorable mentions at several places I respect; plus, for such a cliched subject, I admit that the premise has a few nice little unique dark touches, such as the college in question actually being founded by a high-minded hog farmer back in Colonial times, designed originally to be another member of the then-forming Ivy League but very quickly developing a reputation much shadier than Harvard and Yale and the like. Too bad, then, that Rosenblatt peoples this environment with cartoon characters so buffoonishly obvious, he might as well have pulled them straight out of The Big Book of Go-To Characters for Witty Quirky Novels Concerning the Academic Life. I only made it about a third of the way through, to tell you the truth, before quickly reaching my fill of shrill passive-aggressive politically-correct liberals and the wide-eyed reverse-racist 19-year-olds who love them; one day I will find my Great American College Novel, but unfortunately today is not the day.

Out of 10: 4.8

[Joel · Rating 5 out of 5]

So why is Professor Porterfield trying to save Beet College? Located in the gray, dour New England town of Beet, this grand institution offers a liberal arts education to 1,800 privileged young men and women and a haven from the real world for its 141 faculty members, including a decidedly dull dither of deans. No, the whole gang, students, profs and administrators didn't quite make it to Yale or Dartmouth, but Beet has a certain charm.

Roger Rosenblatt, a contributor to Time and PBS, takes a marvelous comedic turn with this gem. It's laugh out loud. It's a page turner. You'll learn a few new words (e.g. bricolage). I liked it even more because my son attends Beet (er, uh, I mean Allegheny College). Fly through this novel to learn if Beet goes on...

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I first heard of this book when Roger Rosenblatt did an interview on the NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, and then I read it with some other folks from my program. I think that I enjoyed it more than my fellow readers.

One of the reasons that they didn't like it is because it's extremely hyperbolic. Through that exaggeration, however, Rosenblatt warns of a level of detachment from reality that liberal arts colleges could reach. It made me laugh out loud. A lot. At times, it reminded of my own undergrad experience.

[Margrethe Lauber · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must-read if one is experiencing academia, or worse, the tenure process.

[eddy delcroix · Rating 4 out of 5]

okay tbh… it took a while for me to get into. from about pages 40-70 it just dragged on, however, the book ended up being so amazing that it made up for that portion. reading this in present day as someone who attends a private 4 year college in the city, it was so interesting just to see parallels. funny and sad and weird and for some reason can see some of myself in Peace…??!! might be a comfort book for me now.

[Jay Dewey · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wild satire on the influence of the business (and business model) on the university system, a satire that after the first chapters slides into a not-so-great novel with a plot and character development. Yet still, a fun read.

[Valerie · Rating 3 out of 5]

haven't read satire for awhile---for anyone who works in higher ed, you will recognize some of the people in the characters Rosenblatt develops.

[Channah]

DNF

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

It starts out with lots of jokes and references, but by the second half it all comes together and is a rollicking read.

[Alex Burbach · Rating 2 out of 5]

This isn't the type of book I typically reach for, but my friend and I did a book exchange and this is what he picked for me (thanks, Mikey!). It was also really the first time I have dabbled in satire like this.

I respected what it was doing, and it definitely made me laugh quite a few times, but it was slow and took me a VERY long time to get into. The premise, setting, and characters were funny and outrageously ridiculous, perfectly over-the-top in a way that pokes fun at higher education and the culture surrounding elite academia. I enjoyed some parts of the book, like the committee to reform the school never getting anything done and the homeland security department being a fully online major (lol), even if some other sections dragged on.

Overall, I wanted to finish it and give it a fair shot because I respect the genre of satire and thought it was well done. I'm glad I read it, but it wasn't quite my cup of tea.

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not as funny as Lapham Rising, but it's still completely a Rosenblatt yarn (so still enjoyable for those who like his stuff). The novel's saving grace comes at almost its exact midpoint (chapter 9), when Professor Peace Porterfield waxes poetic in his poetry classroom (ah, sweet irony).

The real reason I love this chapter is because this IS Rosenblatt in a classroom teaching. He did the closing-the-door assignment in a workshop I took (or at least talked about it; it was four years ago so my memory is cheating me at the moment), and now he's basically giving it to any teacher/professor who reads this novel. Which is the sort of thing a good college professor (such as the one he "created" in Porterfield) would do.

I originally thought that the collegiate setting would have been of interest to me (as I one day would like to be a tenured college professor, despite the antagonism of today's economy being completely against me at the moment), but, alas, reading about Long Island somehow seemed more interesting in Lapham Rising. And I don't even live there.

But then again, I like Porterfield so much (I practically aspire to be that professor myself) that I couldn't help but keep reading, if only to see if he could save the college and, if he did, if he would bother to stay there in the end. The college politics I read about scared me (simply because the novel exaggerates them doesn't mean they don't exist), but I love reading and teaching literature so much that even the reality of those politics makes me hope that they at least won't get any worse. At least we can laugh about it?

[Theresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could not decide if I hated this book because it was crazy or loved it for the same reason. But I decided - how could I not like a book with a character named Martha Stewart Polite, who dropped the "r" in her name to become Matha, but who still had the irrestible urge to make peach pie (while trying to pass herself off as a campus radical at Beet College.) And then there was Arthur Horowitz, a Jewish student who changed his name to Akim bin Laden, grew a beard, lived in a cave and was researching how to be a suicide bomber while majoring in "On-line Homeland Security." Unfortunately he was always getting kicked out of mosques because he could never remember the right direction for Mecca when it was time for prayers. The campus mascot was a pig who freely roamed the campus because the founder of the college had made his fortune by pig farming. The college library was named Bacon Library (after Francis Bacon, of course), and "pigs-in-a-blanket" was a regular item in the college cafeteria.
The book is a short read - only 225 pages - but contained many words that I have never seen before. The first 20 or so pages produced the following: synedoche, catechresis, cherse, jacitations, autarkies and others. I have not spent this much timne with a dictionary in ages. Was the author trying to make a point since much of the "plot" was about the usefulness of higher education? It was a crazy book - a break from things too serious.

[Andrew · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a very light read.

Essentially the book makes modern (collegiate) educational trends look incredibly foolish and proposes that liberal arts education is not only legitimate but humanizing. It also takes to task some other elements of the modern educational system: the college as a for-profit institution, the repetition and unoriginality of student protest, and the hyper-sensitivity of feminist and diversity programs on campus (to name just a few).

Here was the frustrating thing about the book: these points are made via a fictitous East Coast college called, Beet, named after a pig. I was tired of puns and jokes about pigs after page 15 (or before), but the jokes continued, unabated until the very end. I did find myself laughing aloud at several places in the book (though never about the pig jokes).

Though there is inappropriate behavior described in the book, it is not described in detail or celebrated. As I said at the beginning, this is a very light read, maybe more entertaining for an older generation.

Note: This book has fermented well in my memory. A year after reading this book, I must say that I appreciate it more now than I did when I wrote the review above. After further reflection, I think Rosenblatt has his finger on some concerning trends in higher education and this book depicts them in a memorable way. Get rid of the pig stuff, and I'll go for four stars!

[Traci · Rating 3 out of 5]

I heard once that the books you read reflect what is occurring in the world around you and sometimes where you are in life. I just finished Beet which was centered on a corrupt University Board member that was stealing school funds, selling valuable items that were not his to sell and accepting personal bribes. Sound familiar?

This book was enjoyable for the most part. The characters were hysterical- a Southern Belle Revolutionary, a Jew that chose to live in a cave and more faithful to the Arabic culture than unto his own- just to name a couple. Rosenblatt definitely has a great sense of humor and it can be seen in some of the courses offered by Beet. Homeland Security as a major I found particularly amusing as well as Sensitivity classes and the fact that the school offered a Sensitivity Day.

There were a few lulls in the book which inevitably caused me a late fee at the library, but all in all this was worthwhile.

[Jeanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beet College is the most liberal of liberal arts colleges in New England. Offering courses in disciplines such as Wiccan History, Homeland Security, and Native American Crafts & Casino Studies, Beet strives to attract any and all students.

But when the college's endowment disappears, the higher-ups at Beet seem resigned to closing the quirky school. In an attempt to look as though they care, they assign earnest literature professor Peace Porterfield to turn the curriculum around. Of course, they don't really expect him to do so.

Crazy campus hijinks and academic absurdity abound in this novel. Unfortunately, the author tries too hard. Not as funny as David Lodge or Richard Russo. Subtle, I think, is not in Rosenblatt's vocabulary.

3/8/08

[Margaret · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beet College is about to go under and Peace Porterfield is tasked with heading up the new curriculum committee. An hilarious look at life at a New England liberal arts college. Reminded my of a Carl Hiaasen novel- this time the enemy is Joel Bollovate, head of the Board of Trustees, who is plotting to let the college go under so he can develop the property. Bet there are a lot of developers salavating at the prime land held by college campuses! Fun - Emily and Ellie - you might like this one.

[William Blake · Rating 3 out of 5]

I admit it: I often choose books at the used book store based upon the attractiveness of their cover and the level of hyperbolic praise heaped upon a volume by, let's say, Kirkus Review. And thus, I really wanted to like BEET. And I did, though not in any transcendent way. Yes, colleges are funny places. I appreciate that, and enjoyed Rosenblatt's take. But it's a pretty threadbare theme, and I didn't really see anything new here. Read this for a good laugh or two, and then immediately rush to read Amis' LUCKY JIM for the more complete experience.

[Alex Bevk · Rating 2 out of 5]

i found this book at my parent's house and grabbed it to read on my flight back home. apparently someone gave it to my dad because, haha, fiscal crises at collegiate institutions are hilarious! this book just made me nostalgic for the ridiculous liberalism of Madison more than actually interested in the plot. i ended up reading it on the beach in mexico...and that's about as much attention as it deserves. i'm not going to send it back to my parents, because i respect them too much to expect them to read it.

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very Funny Book...with a few serious moments. I loved Proffessor Peace Porterfield's solution to revising the curriculum and liberal arts college Beet............spend the entire freshman year teaching story telling and listening.............techniques that prove invaluable for the rest of the traditional courses.........makeks a lot on sence to me.......... Rosenblatt used many inside jokes regarding academia... I didn't get them all, but got enough to enjoy the book.

[Reese · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I keep having to put it down to close my eyes, shake my head and laugh until I get wheezy, it's going to take days to finish this book. Children, siblings, friends, spouses and lovers of academics, take heed. Should come with a coffee/snort warning sticker on the cover. Update: One day later, work unfinished, dishes undone, my stomach hurts from laughing. Once in a while, a story is a beautiful gift. This English major is returning to her day with a happy heart.

[Gordon · Rating 4 out of 5]

For anyone who is sick of the new bottom-line in colleges and private schools, the silliness of identity politics, and the forceful mediocrity of academe, this satire is a delight. I'm reading the end of it now and have enjoyed the characters and the scope of this vicious little book. I've lived most of this insanity. I long for a world that says "enough!"

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

After a hesitant starting approach to the book -- I initially found it a little too satirical and even snarky -- eventually I got pulled into the twists, turns, and tweaks at the collegiate Ivory Tower atmosphere. (How true, how true.) Funny in a sometimes dry, sometimes blatant way, it's an entertaining riff on what college is and should be these days.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book, but you have to be prepared to like it the way you might like Candide (Peace's wife CALLS him Candide)... as a satire. One thing that might reduce the book's appreciative audience: Beet absolutely nails the way colleges/universities are operating right now, but it helps if you know something about it so you can see how absolutely dead-on Rosenblatt is.

[Mom · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you like fiction about the merits of keeping colleges open, this one's for you. I especially liked Professor Peace Porterfield who really believes in giving students something worthwhile to take away from class...

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

Technically, I didn't read the whole book. It had no character development and the story line was just lame. It wasn't keeping me interested so I put it to rest. I might try this guy's other book though to see how I feel about it.

[Janalee · Rating 3 out of 5]

OK, it was funny at first, but then it got tedious. I think academics will pee their pants laughing at it, but I started to get bored. The BEST satire I've ever read about academic life is Richard Russo's "Straight Man." This can't even carry Russo's books.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd actually like to give this book a 3.5, but whatever. It was a really weird book. At time, it was hysterical. Subtly hysterical. But then that would make me feel dumb because I'm sure there was plenty more hysteria to be had, but I didn't get it.

[Roz · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think it's a funny satire of educational system. I liked it as a satire but the humor was very subtle and the characters seemed one-dimensional. I like this type of book but this not my favorite. I am not sure who I would recommend it to. It's not Candide.

[CB · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just nominated this book for an Alex Award, something I don't take lightly.