The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

by Harriet Lerner

In her most affirming and life-changing book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner teaches us how to restore love and connection with the people who matter the most. In The Dance of Connection we learn what to say (and not say) when:

- We need an apology, and the person who has harmed us won't apologize or be accountable.
- We don't know how to take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate.
- We feel worn down by the other person's criticism, negativity, or irresponsible behavior.
- We have been rejected or cut off, and the other person won't show up for the conversation.
- We are struggling with staying or leaving, and we don't know our "bottom line."
- We are convinced that we've tried everything -- and nothing changes.

Filled with compelling personal stories and case examples, Lerner outlines bold new "voice lessons" that show us how to speak with honor and personal integrity, even when the other person behaves badly.

Whether we're dealing with a partner, parent, sister, or best friend, The Dance of Connection teaches us how to navigate our most important relationships with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Communication, Personal Development, Audiobook

256 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2001

About the author

Dr. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology, City University of New York; M.A. Educational Psychology, Columbia University Teachers College), was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, the second of two daughters. Her parents, Archie and Rose Goldhor, were both children of Russian-Jewish immigrant parents. They were high school graduates who wanted their daughters to "be someone" at a time when women were only supposed to "find someone."

"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."

Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."

Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:

"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:

1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist

Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "

Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.

EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.

Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.

"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.

Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.

Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.



HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen

Reviews

[Peacefully Snoozing by the Fire · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another insightful book from Harriet Lerner (I think I’m becoming a fan!) Dance of Intimacy, another book by her and the first of hers I read, focuses on relationship patterns and how they’re essentially governed by feelings of anxiety. This book on the other hand, focuses on initiating and navigating emotionally charged conversations in a way that invites better connection.

Some of the wisdom I picked up from this book includes:
- Honesty is all well and great but spontaneous, uncensored expression of feelings and thoughts is not, contrary to some people’s advice, a good thing. If it’s unbridled, it can damage motivation for future communication. Instead, be strategic in what, when and how you say things.
- If you want to be the sort of person who has connections rather than cut offs, always leave open the possibility of connection even if the other person may take a long time to reconnect.
- Cut offs happen when intensity and/or anxiety is high, not because people don’t feel anything (quite the opposite!)
- Not everything has to be talked about and addressed. So be strategic, have self-restraint and have tact.
- Wish to hear and understand more than you wish to be heard and understood.
- People sometimes gaslight, stonewall, respond with silence and/or minimise the effects of their harmful actions not because they feel no remorse, but because they feel too much guilt or shame to face up to taking accountability. It’s protective self-deception.
- When someone critiques you, listen for the bits you can agree with and discuss them. Don’t focus on the bits you want to refute.
- Apologise without automatic expectation of clearing the air or re-establishing a connection.
- A non-response is still a response and it contains information e.g. they’re not ready to talk or they’ve stepped out of the relationship and are no longer reachable.
- A healthy relationship is one in which you feel safe and relative ease bringing up wants, needs and dissatisfactions to your partner(s), without fear of defensiveness, contempt, attack or stonewalling in response. It’s healthy if they’ll listen and at least consider changing their behaviour (and vice versa!)
- Fights are healthy. But fight well, not reactively.

Nonviolent Communication is a fantastic book to read before or after this book. It provides a practical model for communicating effectively in charged situations.

[Lori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some difficult interactions with a few individuals have been wearing me down. My therapist recommended The Dance of Anger, but after reviewing Lerner's titles we decided this one would be more appropriate. While I don't feel as though I'm ready to resolve all these issues, the key message I took from this book was a focus on being true to oneself while still very respectfully interacting with people who are important to you. (Unexpected bonus: the idea that there are difficult people that you may just want to leave behind so you can move on. Things are probably different with family, and we all have some friends we'd never just walk away from without a huge effort, but evaluating a relationship is important: is it worth the effort? Sometimes the answer is no.)

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book at any stage in school because it would've helped facilitate the relationships I had at an early stage to set up for success. This book has proven, well-researched advice on how to navigate any relationship: parents, marriage, friendship. While it's not a marriage book per se, I can see how extremely helpful it would be for any marriage. And while not a parenting book per se, I can see how I would personally use this book in future for possible difficulties with my own children.

Although borrowed from the library, I definitely want to buy this book for myself as I can see referring back to this.

Quotes helpful to me:
~"Men want sex; women want talking. Such statements have a ring of truth, but a yin-yang psychology of opposites doesn't do justice to the complexity of the human experience nor to teh reality of any particular individual on a give day."

~" We won't need to be passive aggressive if we feel empowered to express our anger or will directly. Nor will we resort to manipulation if our past experience has encouraged us to speak frankly."

~"The family is a sensitive system, reacting to the predictable stresses of the life cycle and to unanticipated stresses that impinge on it. Also, many painful things have happened in the history of family long before we enter the scene, and when issues are unresolved in one generation, they are often reenacted in the next. Finally, the powerful forces of racism, poverty, homophobia, and gender inequality deeply affect the interior of family life."

~"As Goethe wrote - If you treat man as if he already were what he potentially could be, you make him what he should be."

~"When addressing anxious issues, it's important to have a process view of chnage. Substantive change in families doesn't occur with hit-and-run confrontations."

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5

I liked this "Dance..." better than "The Dance of Fear." This one seemed more application-based, as the author provided a lot of examples of how people communicated, connected, and just plain showed up in normal and difficult situations. The book helped me to think simultaneously critically and gently about how I communicate/connect and how those I'm closest with communicate/connect. She had good information and examples about the different ways people connect. The book was focused mostly on difficult situations--when you're angry or hurt, when the person won't talk to you, when you have to apologize, etc. She talks a lot about really listening to someone and, although I listen for a living and feel that I'm a good listener, she described ways to more deeply listen and connect. I'll be working on this. There was nothing I particularly disliked about the book, but it wasn't a compelling read--it wasn't boring or hard to read, just not compelling.

I recommend this book to most everyone. I think it helps one to appreciate and have more compassion for oneself and others.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not usually a reader of self-help books, but I make an exception for Harriet Lerner. Not only is she a gifted writer and story-teller, but unlike I imagine most of the genre, she most adamantly allows for imperfection. Quoting Mary Karr, Lerner embraces the fact that a dysfunctional family is where there is more than one person in it and that there is no such thing as the ideal family environment. Instead of defining a right and a wrong way to be, she simply tries to help people communicate their boundaries and preferences in a more open and honest way whenever doing so will be productive and helpful. The goal is not to be different than you are, or a more perfect version of yourself, but to make allowances for your own vulnerability so that you can be more yourself in relation to other people. Sounds right on in my book.

[Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started this book today because our Thanksgiving begins on Friday, and I would like to do everything I can to have a lovely holiday and to build relationships with those people I love.

For me, this was a very helpful book.

Most importantly, Lerner reminds us over and over that we can try every idea in the book and things may still fail. I think that's a good reminder for me not to expect too much.

She also suggests we take things slowly, to expect that if things are to get better, it will probably take time.

Lerner offers ideas for how to respond in some common situations: when you disagree with someone, when someone is criticizing you, when you are being ignored, when you are talking too much, when you are angry.

I feel like I underlined everything in the book at times, but that's because it's a book with a lot of good stuff in it.

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

*First, we must learn to dance alone*

To me, this book is the closest thing to an instruction book on relating to others in ways that preserve the self. Harriet offers clear, insightful, and do-able advice on learning how to hear our own voice and then clearly (and courageously) share it with others. Throughout the book, she continually illuminates the theme of focusing on the self instead obsessing about the other. The dance of connection begins with learning how to gracefully dance alone.

[Daeus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really solid book on empathy and communication with some very digestible insights I really appreciated. Might have to re-read at some later point in my life to sink in deeper.

Quotes:
- "But in our desperate rush to become intimate we may tell too much too soon. Sharing vulnerability is one way we feel close to other people, but if we share indiscriminately or prematurely, it has the opposite effect. If you meet someone at a cocktail party who discloses her most searing pain while standing over the chopped liver, you'll probably question her judgment and maturity, rather than admire her openness."
- "You need to muster a huge amount of maturity and discipline to say less when you feel compelled to say more. To not pursue when you feel desperate to do so. And to keep communication focused entirely on yourself. This is especially true when what you really, really want to do is to convince the other person to think, feel, or behave differently....when were drowning in emotions, it's impossible to think creatively or clearly. We may think were thinking, but in reality were just reacting."
- "people confusing intimacy with intensity...intensity is often an anxiety driven response."
- "what matters is not only the intensity of the love she feels, but whether the relationship is good for her."
- "Some of us think about our bottom line only when we're at the crossroads of staying or leaving. In reality it's there with us every day with every important relationship."
- "We need to ask ourselves if we are truly more invested in our anger and dissatisfaction than we are invested in changing the tone of the relationship."
- "How can we apologize for something we are, rather than something we did?"
- "...if you want to ensure that someone will NOT hear you, just write a really long, detailed letter.... you have to lower the intensity not raise it if you hope to begin a conversation."
- "Mary had stopped holding onto her pain as a way to prove what damage bob had done."
- "But therein lies the paradox: Speaking out and being “real” are not necessarily virtues. Sometimes voicing our thoughts and feelings shuts down the lines of communication, diminishes or shames another person, or makes it less likely that two people can hear each other or even stay in the same room. Nor is talking always a solution. We know from personal experience that our best intentions to process a difficult issue can move a situation from bad to worse. We can also talk a particular subject to death, or focus on the negative in a way that draws us deeper into it, when we’d be better off distracting ourselves and going bowling."

[Aslı Can]

Kitap, yakın ilişkilerde (ya da herhangi bir ilişkide) sesinin düşük ya da yüksek çıktığını ya da hiç çıkmadığını düşünen kişilerin, seslerini bulmalarına yardımcı içerikler paylaşıyor. Temasını ve paylaştığı içgörüleri epey aydınlatıcı bulsam da, vaadettiği ''ses dersleri'' içerik olarak beklediğim gibi çıkmadı. Yine de, öncelikle kendimize karşı dürüst olabilmek, bunun sonucunda kararlı, sade ve net bir iletişim yürütebilmek adına güzel dersler verdiğini ve okunmaya değer olacağını düşünüyorum.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've always considered myself a relatively good communicator. However, this book gave even greater insight to ways in which I could communicate effectively with friends, family, and significant others.

[Ana Stanciu-Dumitrache · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parca mai buna decât Dansul furiei, dar in aceleași stil plăcut.

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a lot of books on psychology, pop, academic, and somewhere in between. Most of them offer a few insights that have been useful to me along the way. "Difficult Conversations" comes to mind -- check that book out if you have a teenager that you're having a hard time connecting with, for example.

But few of these books have had something even more useful than insight: wisdom. "The Dance of Connection" is that rarity, a book full of wisdom, and indeed holds back from offering easy insights in favor of a more global way of thinking about human connection that I found enormously helpful. Read this book if you want to learn how to be a better spouse, parent, child, colleague or friend. Lerner is especially good at working through very difficult issues and breakdowns in communications.

[Brittany Wilmes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Harriet Lerner's book (the first of hers I've read) goes beyond the typical psych-pop fluff, which tends to draw heavily on far-reaching and inconclusive research to prove an aggressive agenda (e.g., creativity is within everyone, exercise improves mood, you can train yourself to overcome X). Lerner approaches the subject of communication and family systems with compassion, experience, and most importantly, wisdom.

This wasn't a cut-and-dry How to Become A Functional Family in Six Easy Steps, but it provided an important framework for reasoning, growing in relationships, and practicing smart self-care when relationships have stopped or finished growing. I'll come back to Lerner in the future for more savvy relationship advice.

[Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

The subtitle of this book is, "How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate" which is exactly what Harriet Lerner offered! The entire book felt like a therapy session, which is a compliment because I always love going to therapy. Lerner told stories and gave actionable advice on how to interact with those we love when we are feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I would recommend this book to everyone because it felt like the handbook to relationships (to include first family, friends, couple).

[Meagan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was very practical about something everyone faces but doesn’t want to think about. Relearning how to communicate with those who are important to you in crucial moments is hard but this book breaks down those interactions. Thankfully she doesn’t say you have to hash it all out every time but you also shouldn’t brush it under the rug either.

[Toby Welch · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.569876302848 stars
This is a great book for those who like examples of human conflicts and potential ways to look at them and resolve them. Two thumbs up!

[Merve · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Bütün" olmaya giden yollarla ilgili temel meseleler mizahla ve ayni zamanda bu kadar dogrudan nasil ifade edilirdi bilmiyorum. Kitabin dilini Brene Brownun kitaplariyla cok benzer buldum. Hem mizah anlayisi, hem temel olarak dayandiklari icgoruler acisindan oldukca benziyorlar. Ancak bu kitap Brene Brownun kitaplarinin ablasi gibi, kitabin tinilari daha köklü geliyor kulağa.

[Ardon · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s strange how sometimes, even the most innocous of comments can seemingly inexplicably send someone we care about into a rage. When something like this happens, how we respond is so critical - small missteps can lead to significant trouble down the line, in the context of friendships or relationships.

Lerner breaks down possible interpersonal troubles the average person may encounter with friends, work colleagues, and those they are romantically linked to. I liked her structure - each chapter dealt with specific issues and challenges one might encounter and usually these chapters segued into each other very nicely, which I appreciated it. However, some chapters seemed very axiomatic, such as the chapter on picking a partner, which was heavily focused on pricing in the practicalities of the relationship to avoid being completely swayed by one’s feelings. Lots of the tips she has in this section tend to be things close friends would (hopefully) nudge people to do as they become increasingly serious with another person.

That said, some chapters were particularly interesting, such as the dedicated section on how to take criticism effectively. It’s a nice complement to Adam Grant’s Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know which largely deals with how to re-evaluate one’s position after receiving criticism (with a focus on mental flexibility). On the other hand, Lerner’s section on criticism is more focused about how to ensure that tempers do not flare as we initially respond to the feedback as it is being given, especially if the feedback is particularly cutting.

I feel that I did walk away with a few new insights from this, but I do think that if you’ve read a fair number of classical self help books which deal with behavioural patterns, a lot of the content would not be entirely new to you.

[Valerie Campbell Ackroyd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good read as always

I have enjoyed, and learned from, reading Lerner’s “Dance of....” books for over 20 years. She always posits interesting things to think of in terms of interpersonal communication. Sometimes I feel I need to have some of her “advice” tattooed on my arms and hands 😄.

I like that she uses a lot of personal anecdotes although I know some find it off putting. But I like that I can have a silent conversation “No, do I really do that?...Yes, it might work better if I....”

I always feel better after reading her books and that, for me, is huge.

[Amanda Anger · Rating 5 out of 5]

When one of my favorite authors (Brene Brown) recommends a book in one of her books, I pay attention. This book was an incredible read. I especially love that it was narrated by the author, who has such a warm and sincere voice.

If you're familiar with Brene Brown's works, Harriet's book will be the perfect complement to read as well.

[Kaitie Ivory · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the second book by Harriet Lerner that I've read and it resonated as much as the first (Dance of Anger). She breaks down relationship conflicts and how to empower ourselves to disrupt old patterns. I'm feeling inspired to reinvision some of my relationships, and equipped to handle the conversations that are so important.

[Andrew · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars.

I listened to the audiobook.

While I believe this book can be useful, I am more into the psychology of connection rather than observations. Lerner uses examples from her practice rather than diving into root causes.

The problem with using examples is that to make your point you need more than one example, and that can get repetitive. And if you don’t relate to the example, then it doesn’t have as much meaning.

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Harriet Lerner books were a great suggestion from a friend (hi friend!) while negotiating a tough situation with my MIL. I was able to collect some relevant tips, although found the two books I read to be mostly suited towards marriage difficulties. Regardless, this is excellent insight from a well respected author.

[Susan Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great reminder that we are all imperfect and need to approach connecting with others knowing we will all communicate in ways that don’t serve us at times and should be forgiving of ourselves and others. The advice that will stay with me is to “choose happiness over righteousness”.

[Binita Thakker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a profound book! Here human individuality and connectedness are deeply explored and treated with so much equity. Dr Lerner is going to be on my books to read and thoughts to dwell on/ live by list for a long time!

[Tracy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read this with book club and enjoyed it, but I wish their had been a little more step by step guidance rather than being focused on anecdotes. I need someone to make a flow chart on how to have difficult conversations, please.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

My rating of 3 is based on the fact that I have read most of Lerner’s books and found significant repeats in the material in this book. I enjoy her work but was upset by the repetition of stories.

[JJ ONeal · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first heart about Harriet Lerner from Brene Brown’s podcast where she did an episode about apologizing. After listening to that, I knew I wanted to read some of Harriet’s books. There are some interesting topics in this book, like learning how to handle criticism, clarifying your bottom line, what to do when someone is constantly negative and complaining, and how to respond when someone you care about cuts you out of their life. There are lots of patient anecdotes from Harriet’s career as a therapist. Some of the gender stereotypes felt outdated, but to be fair, this book came out in 2001! I didn’t resonate with every chapter or every recommendation, but still took plenty of notes.

[Timmy · Rating 5 out of 5]

a really excellent guide on how to navigate difficult conversations and relationships while showing respect and love to the other and yourself

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recomand oricărei persoane dornice să înțeleagă lumea și prin alți ochi, și mai puțin cei ai egoului. 👍🏻