The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole

by Lori Holden, Crystal Hass

Prior to 1990, fewer than 5% of domestic infant adoptions were open. In 2011, 90% or more of adoption agencies are recommending open adoption. Yet these agencies do not often or adequately prepare either adopting parents or birth parents for the road ahead of them! The adult parties in open adoptions are left floundering. There are many resources on why to do open adoption, but what about how? Open adoption isn't just something parents do when they exchange photos, send emails, share a visit. It's a lifestyle that may intrude at times, be difficult or inconvenient at other times. Tensions can arise even in the best of situations. But knowing how to handle these situations and how to continue to make arrangements work for the children involved is paramount. This book offers readers the tools and the insight to do just that. It covers common open-adoption situations and how real families have navigated common issues successfully. Like all useful parenting books, it provides parents with the tools to come to answers on their own, and answers questions that might not yet have come up. Through their own stories and those of other families of open adoption, they review the secrets to success, the pitfalls and challenges, the joys and triumphs. By putting the adopted children first, families can come to enjoy the benefits of open adoption and mitigate the challenges that may arise. More than a how-to, this book shares a mindset, a heartset, that can be learned and internalized, so parents can learn to act out of love and honesty.

Genres: Adoption, Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook

228 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Lori Holden is recognized as an expert in the complexities of adoption. "The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption" is on required reading lists at adoption agencies in the US and Canada, and her award-winning blog LavenderLuz.com has helped countless adoptive families navigate their most tricky situations since 2007. Lori interviews insightful guests on her podcast Adoption: The Long View, helping adoptive parents grasp how they can better serve the deepest needs of the adoptees they love. Lori originated the Open Adoption Grid and collaborated on the resulting Inclusive Family Support Model.

Lori is a re-imaginer and reformer of how to “do” adoption better for all. With co-authors Sara Easterly, an adoptee, and Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, a birth mom, Lori’s next adoption book arrives in late 2023. The groundbreaking "Adoption Unfiltered" reveals the candid thoughts and feelings of those most directly involved in adoptions: adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents.

Nominated by Senator Michael Bennet, Lori was honored as an Angel in Adoption® by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute. She is a sought-after speaker for adoption and child-welfare agencies, parent support groups, and adoption conferences and camps. She coaches individuals and couples around adoption-related issues.

Besides a passion for reforming adoption, Lori is also a dedicated yogini. Yoga’s inherent “yoking” informs the framework she has developed on how to “do” adoption well, for example by shifting from an Either/or mindset to a BothAnd heartset. With her sister Sheri Fisher, Lori has co-authored "Standing Room Only | How to Be THAT Yoga Teacher" from the Root To Rise Yoga Teaching Method.

Lori and her husband raised their daughter and son in Denver and have now launched them into young adulthood. To say they are proud of Tessa and Reed becoming fully themselves is a big old duh.

Please see LavenderLuz.com for current information on Lori’s offerings and how to reach her.

Reviews

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

If I could give this book 3.5 stars I would and it's even close to a 4. I just wrote a review of this book for my job, I am the adoption case manager for an adoption facilitator. I'm just going to cut and paste my unedited review here.

Adoption creates a split between a person’s biology and biography. Openness in adoption is an effective way to heal that split and help the child become whole. This is the basis of Lori Holden’s book about creating, navigating and supporting an open adoption. Part 1 covers the what, why and when of an open adoption. What is an open adoption? What does open adoption or openness mean? Why should there be open adoptions? When can you begin an open adoption? Part 2 covers the how. How do we navigate open adoption in our family? How do we move past our fears of open adoption? Many, many questions and scenarios occur and Holden, along with her daughter’s birth mother, Crystal Hass, provides guidance, support, ideas and testimony about the beauty and challenges that open adoption can bring.

Holden’s book provides a clear picture of what open adoption is, what it means and how beneficial it can be for the adopted child and all families involved. “Open adoption does not mean co-parenting. It means that in the eyes of the child both sets of parents have significant value (pg. 49).” The child; Holden states early on that the child is the focal point in an open adoption and she reiterates the importance of this throughout the book. Holden and Hass honor how difficult it can be for the adults involved in an open adoption to push aside their feelings of fear, ownership, doubt and more, and keep the child’s feelings of fear, loyalty, and questions at the center. Holden and Hass provide valuable testimony about how they worked together to navigate an open adoption and keep their daughter’s well being the focal point. They are intentional about including experiences and guidance from other families with open adoptions, allowing the book to be multidimensional and inclusive.

The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption is accessibly written, well researched and covers a wide range of topics including ethics in adoption, foster and international adoption, donor (embryo/sperm) donation, honoring the birth father, how to maintain contact, what to do when contact is lost, resources for counseling, original birth records, sealed records and much more. The inclusion of testimony from birth/first parents and adoptees is poignant and gives honest voice to the success, importance, struggles, and questions experienced by people in open adoptions.

I read Holden’s book through two different lenses. I am an international, transracial adult adoptee and I am an adoption social worker. Through both of these lenses I found some areas of weakness or concern. As an adoptee I have issue with the term “forever family.” Holden uses this throughout her book to define and explain the adoptive parents/family. “Forever family” creates the image that an adoptive family is perfect, divorce will never happen, disrupted adoptions will not happen, and everything will stay intact. Given the recent media attention around “re-homing,” and the stories of adoptive parents sending their child(ren) back to their birth countries it is clear that an adoptive family does not always mean a “forever family.” I feel that this term also disregards the birth family. I may not know my birth family, but I will think and talk and dream about them forever.

Holden does a great job of using positive adoption language like placed for adoption, adoption plan, first/birth parents, and others. In a few instances she slips and says original parents to talk about birth parents, this does not feel right to me and I imagine could cause hurt feelings among one or both sets of parents. When describing her meeting with Hass, Holden says they came together because they each had a problem. From my professional lens, the term “problem” may not be the best way to describe an adoption, it could be true, but there is other positive language that can be used. From my adoptee lens, reading the word “problem” sparks many negative reactions and emotions. For adoptees who struggle with being adopted, their identity, or navigating open or closed adoptions, being defined as a “problem” is not comforting. Overall the strength and importance of this book certainly outweighs the few concerns.

Holden’s book shows me what I wish I had, an open adoption. For families that are scared or worried about an open adoption I ask you to put your feelings aside and think about the child. I can honestly say it sucks to grow up not knowing my medical history, not knowing who I look like, not knowing where my talents and mannerisms come from. Being adopted never ends and it’s not always easy. Adoption creates a split between a person’s biology and biography. Openness in adoption is an effective way to heal that split and help the child become whole.

As a member of the adoption constellation and a professional in the field of adoption I recommend The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption for adoption constellation members, adoption and mental health professionals, and anyone interested in adoption.

[Ariel Jensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Contains a good overview of open adoption, encouraging openness in relationships between parents and children, and bluntly stating what the difficulties might be.

[Jasmine Greenfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this for my adoption home study and it really opened my mind to the benefits of open adoption. The topics were well organized and there was quite a bit of qualitative data relayed from both adoptive and birth parents. I personally could have done without so many anecdotes, and more conversational scripts similar to what they provide as an example on how to communicate a desire for a more open adoption.

This was a mandatory read for me which I never love because I’m stubborn and don’t like to be told what to read, but with all of that in mind I actually would recommend it to birth and adoptive parents alike.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok, so there's no road map to being a mom. Especially an adoptive one. But fortunately there are people who have journeyed ahead of me. Lori Holden's brand-new book The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child to Grow Up Whole is a huge gift, not only for validating what we've been doing all along in our family (opening our hearts and lives to each other), but for helping me to anticipate how our open hearts and lives may impact our daughter as she grows up. Lori's children aren't adults yet, but they are well on their way through childhood thanks to the diligent, flexible, loving foundation that their first/birth and adoptive parents have given them.

My favorite line from this book was this: "...neither party [first parents or adoptive parents] is less than the other. While both sides may be grateful to one another, neither side is beholden...there is mutual respect, mutual trust, and a striving for equal footing" (page 49). Reading this made me cheer out loud. Finally, FINALLY, someone else has put in writing what we have been striving for in creating a family for our daughter: a relationship based in mutual giving and receiving.

If you're reading this review and skeptical about my passion for equal footing, don't skip this book just yet. I'm aware that our approach to family might not be for everyone, and so is Lori. She provides a guide to determining if openness is a good fit for you and your family. Her list of thoughtful questions can help you to avoid potential minefields as an adoptive parent.

Another aspect of this book that I so appreciated was Lori's encouragement to let go of the fear involved in the process of adoption. There is just so much of the process that is out of your control, it can lead to a total freak out (trust me, I know this one). Lori encourages adoptive parents to move forward in love, letting go of fear, so that they can be the solid anchor their children need as they integrate their biology and their biography.

Finally, just a note that as a lesbian mom, I'm always on the lookout for resources that speak to my unique experience. Lori's writing is VERY inclusive. While I hope that she'll include more LGBTQ voices in her second edition, I appreciate her accessible approach to describing the variety of ways we come together as families, including donors, stepparents, and more.

The great gift of Lori's book isn't that it provides a definitive, fixed answer to everything about adoption: that isn't possible and isn't her point. Instead, this book models an attitude of open-heartedness that enables the reader to navigate the changing landscape of adoption and learn new lessons with grace and wholeness.

[Laura Dennis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beware! Reading this book will make you want an open adoption, not a closed one!

Drawing on personal experience as well as interviews with other families navigating open adoptions, author Lori Holden nudges even the most skeptical reader into understanding her perspective that open adoption is an effective way to heal an adopted child's split between his biology and biography. Extending from this basic thesis, Lori shows us that while there's no one right way to create an open adoption, it's nevertheless important that parents do so for the sake of their adoptee.

Lori takes us through the terminology of adoption, reasons to be open to creating an open adoption and ways to initiate and foster one. Throughout, she interweaves with clarity and compassion, the perspective of Crystal, one of the first mothers of one of her children. Crystal provides first-hand insight that's open, honest and bittersweet. Lori does not brush over the painful aspects of open adoption (for first moms, adoptive parents and most importantly the adoptee). Instead, she provides examples and insight from a variety of perspectives to help propsective adoptive parents and expectant mothers see there are paths to creating an an open adoption, there are ways to handle difficulties--without giving up entirely.

As an adult adoptee involved in adoption advocacy, of course I'm not so naive as to believe that open adoption is the panacea for all things wrong with adoption. There are still unethical agencies who tout open adoption as a way to prey on expectant mothers. Open adoptions are not legally enforceable in most states, and even where they are, many first families have neither the means nor the education to re-open an open adoption that closed, let alone afford a lawyer.

There will always be close-minded people and bad advice. Also, while Lori points to ways that international adoptions can have a "spirit of openness," it was definitely beyond the scope of this book to go into the plethora of abuses happening in international adoption today.

That said, Lori's premise rings true: open adoption IS a way to heal the split between biology and biography.

It's not easy, it's sometimes emotional and messy, but I believe Lori's dedication to fostering the relationship her kids have with their first families will go a long way towards creating empowered and whole young adult adoptees.

Laura Dennis
author, Adopted Reality, A Memoir

[Bethany Fader · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book so helpful as we embark on an open adoption. I especially appreciated that the author used stories from so many different supportive families to illustrate her point. I will most likely come back and read this again!

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I've read yet on adoption. Written by an adoptive mother whose children both have different levels of openness, and her daughter's birth mother, it's the only one I've found that's written for parents on both sides. It's encouraging, showing how openness may work for you and giving good outlines for discussions or different real-life examples for how other people made it work. Most importantly, it encourages focus on the child, not just as an infant but as a toddler, at school, and as an adult.

[Meagan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really good book to read if you want to understand the benefits of open adoption. I also appreciated the specific examples of issues one might face when adopting or placing and how one might navigate those issues.

[Kimberly Patton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m so glad I read this because it gave me a lot of insight into the world of open adoption. It’s possible to make it work and it is worth it for your child to grow up whole.

[Linda Sexton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing book for any adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents.

[Gayle Swift · Rating 5 out of 5]

Open adoption has moved beyond the experimental stage and become the norm for most contemporary domestic adoptions. It has also created awareness that even with international adoptions, every effort should be made to gather as much birth family information, to preserve and respect these ties and to foster ongoing communication. We now recognize that connection to and respect for an adopted child’s biological roots is integral to successfully unify their dual heritage. Still, the concept remains shrouded in apprehension, confusion and curiosity. How is it possible for a child to have two sets of parents involved in their lives?
Questions abound in the minds of prospective adopters as well as expectant parents contemplating adoption for their unborn child. (Do we need a contract? Is it enforceable? Desirable? Isn’t open adoption confusing for the child?) These and many more issues are addressed in The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption by Lori Holden and Crystal Hass. They are the adoptive mother and birthmother who have an open adoption relationship.
There are many reasons to recommend this excellent book. It overflows with practical suggestions for how to navigate the constantly changing seas that permeate open adoption. Not just for adoptive parents, it offers ideas for all members of the triad because the three are inextricably connected. Each will be a permanent part of the child. Only the degree and level of involvement will vary. The influences of DNA are forever, just as the influence of the adoptive family’s nurturing will permanently shape the child. (Lori refers to these factors as biology and biography.)
Lori and Crystal Hass (the birthmother of one of Lori’s children,) share strategies, ideas and personal anecdotes that are valuable, sensible and practical. They offer options not a specific blueprint for every adoptive family to follow. This makes sense since each adoption is unique. Their honesty and shared experience provide a window into living an open adoption journey. They reveal that open adoption is not without challenges and suggest “Talking about it and bringing your emotions up to a conscious level allows a healing release to occur … and prevents misunderstandings from cropping up.”
But the greatest value of The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption is the philosophical assumption that underpins the book: open adoption is fundamentally an attitude that must infuse the relationship and all of the parenting decisions. The child’s best interest is the foundational premise. This may sound like an obvious fact, but all too often—especially in the past–adoption considers the comfort level, fears and of the adults over the needs of the child. Yes, each of these is an important factor, but the foremost criteria must to be child-focused. Many fear that children will be confused or distressed by having an ongoing relationship with a birth parent/s. Lori responds, “Openness is not the cause of any eruptions but instead can actually be part of the solution to them. If you’ve established an open relationship with your child, he is more likely to allow you into his innermost thoughts and fears. He then doesn’t have to face them without you. But if you are closed, he is more alone.” [emphasis added]
The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption is a positive and inspiring book that will touch your heart as well as provide you with persuasive, practical and useful ideas. I am an adoption coach and a mom of now-adult children who came to us in the 1980s through closed adoptions. My children have reconnected with their birth mothers and I have seen first-hand the beneficial impact this reunion has brought all of us but most especially my children and their birth mothers. Lori points out that she takes her children to various professional who can provide services that she cannot: physician, dentist, therapist, etc. She writes, “I can’t fill a certain emotional need that Tessa has, but I can take her to the well.” (Tessa’s birth mother, Crystal) That is love and that is parenting with a child’s best interest at heart. I would assert that no adoptive parent want to leave their children unsupported as they process difficult parts of the adoption experience.
Open adoption is not easy nor is it perfect, but it is far better than the old secrecy-based closed adoptions. The greatest ingredient to success is a heart-connected attitude. This book offers a welcome, worthwhile resource for parents who are embarking on the adventure of open adoption parenting. As Lori writes, “Open adoption is a journey rather than a destination.”

[Chase Parsley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a solid book about adoption and open adoption! The authors do a great job in separating biology vs. biography, and help the reader navigate the ins and outs of adoption. It is written from a very folksy and ground-level perspective which is comforting.

[Faith Patterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great info! Gives you more of the nitty gritty questions and answers to an open adoption.

[Anna Wrobel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredible, equally philosophical and practical. Among the open adoption books I’ve read, this one stands out to me as the best because of its incredibly well researched perspectives. Thank you to the author for writing this book, one I expect will be referenced back to for years to come as my husband and I embark on our open adoption journey.

[Devin Shuman · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wish this book had actually included a section by adopted individuals.

[Savannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve been wanting to adopt since I was 14. I’m always trying to find new resources/information about adoption. I think this book is well written and informative and important. I personally want to foster and adopt older kids and this book focuses a lot on adopting infants. While this material isn’t focused on situations that I plan on being in, it was still helpful and I would recommend to others who are looking to adopt one day.

[Jeremy Runk · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a good dialog on how to open an mind to open adoptions. Open adoptions I think are scary for most expectant adopting parents. But this book shows us how to approach the relationship, what the birth mother might be feeling and thinking, and some practical tips on how to make the relationship last.

It's a book I may come back to later when we're really in the thick of getting to know the birth mother.

[Alec · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are plenty of great reviews on this book so I will not give much detail, but there was one thing that bothered me that I don't see anyone mentioning. As far as I could tell there were only 2 men who gave their opinions/expertise in the book. Every other blogger, expert, social worker was a women. I understand that social workers in particular, and maybe researches are usually women but she writes the book from the perspective of adopting households with a man and woman, but the man was essentially left out of the conversation. I think this made it hard for me to relate as virtually every example was from a birth mom or adopting mom's point of view.

But still, a useful book to read for those considering adoption.

[Millieb · Rating 4 out of 5]

It should come as no surprise that I appreciated this book and its perspective, as I work for the agency through whom Lori Holden adopted (way after her time, however,) and agree with the perspective she puts forth. The importance of trying to take a child-centered approach to adoption is one I stress daily in my professional life, and one I believe in wholeheartedly. My quibbles with the book are minor - I wish there was more from the birth parents' perspective, and I found the tone to be a bit more sanctimonious than I would like. Overall, however, I think this book has the potential to be a great resource for many of my families who are coming in not quite sold on open adoption.

[Eva Bridges · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like how the author approaches open adoption - it's about being open about adoption with the child and with each other - rather than worrying about how the different people in the adoption triangle are going to relate to each other. I wish she had gone into more detail on what a conversation with birth parents about open adoption might look like and how to begin that conversation.

[Jennifer Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend this book for anyone considering open adoption. Family members who will be interacting with adoptive parents and the child they bring home are also encouraged to read this book. It provides a look at adoption from the perspectives of the adoptive parents, the birth parents, and the child who is being placed for adoption.

[Wallyeast · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author brings a positive, upbeat attitude to a subject that could potentially make a reader nervous. It was an interesting look into one potential way to approach adoption. The use of excerpts from others who have experienced different scenarios allows the reader to see how people lived through various circumstances.

[Avril · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow - this book takes you step by step through openness and child-centered relationship building within all parties in the "adoption constellation". It has the right mix of research, anecdotes, and feeling to have something for everyone. I loved it!

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book full of hope, good instructions and humor. A must read for anyone looking into open adoption. I especially loved reading about how Lori handled different situations that arose with her own children as they processed their own adoption journeys.

[Neile · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book for adoptive parents, birthparents and adoption professionals. This is the most engaging and accessible book on adoption I have ever read.

[Lakshmi · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book “The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption” written with inputs from Lori’s daughter’s birth mother Crystal is a guidebook of sorts to navigate openness in adoption. The book is laid out clearly, moving from why open adoption to how do we do it.

What did I love about this book?

The book is well laid out. The topics are concise, small chapters lending itself to being read in parts as needed and when applicable.

It makes no assumptions about where you are on the adoption journey. Lori starts at the very beginning (thinking about adoption) and goes all the way to recognizing adoption is a way of life. The baby you adopt goes on to become an adult and openness in adoption matters at every point.

Throughout the book, Lori has incorporated voices from the adoption community. Birth parents, Adoptive parents, Adoptees, Social workers. The layout makes it easy to understand when the narrative voice changes.

The use of examples when navigating the hard parts i.e., identity formation and complex situations that arise when practicing openness in adoption. By the use of her own family as an example, Lori makes it easier for the reader to visualize similar circumstances in their own families.

The Appendix is a veritable goldmine of resources in terms of books and works online.

What could be better?

I wish adult adoptee voices were a little more strident, talking about issues in the first person. I wish birth parents had gone into detail on how openness affects them and their families.

A good part of what is discussed in the book is available online. If you are someone who has been following conversations on openness in adoption, all of the information available online is in the book. It then is a matter of convenience, being able to access it in one place.

A good many domestic adoptions involve crossing racial and cultural borders. I wish the book had a section on navigating changes in culture, food, religion and navigating the world around us in a post-racial time and how openness helps with that.

Overall, this book is a definite buy if you are someone considering adoption (especially US domestic adoption). It will make a great gift to anyone who is thinking about adopting or wondering about what openness in adoption looks like.

[S · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm mostly against parenting books, but I do and will make exceptions for adoption parenting books since I think it's helpful to hear what has worked/not worked for other adoptive parents or adoptees. Our daughter is only two, but she's verbally advanced and is already starting to have a more complex understanding of our adopting her.

I can break The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption into thirds:
1) Moot stuff. Our daughter is already with us, so information on tips, resources, how to go about adoption, etc. was not relevant.
2) Stuff I already knew. We have an open adoption and are very familiar with what it entails.
3) Stuff I learned. Family Tree Exercises, how to handle asinine comments/questions from folks ignorant about adoption, how to field certain questions from your child.

This book is also very birth parent-oriented, and rightfully so because that's how a good open adoption works. Holden, though, glosses over the more unsavory features of adoption, ones that my husband and I often had to handle with prospective birth mothers--like sociopathic phonies, drug use, and absent birth fathers. Not every open adoption is as straight-forward as hers and she does her readers a disservice by making it seem that that's the norm.

Another thing about this book that I didn't love is that it's written in that "AW SHUCKS, GEE WHIZ, GOLLY ME" tone (reminiscent of How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen) that I just cannot abide. I know that she probably wants to cast a wide net for a general audience, but personally speaking, I found her rhetoric beyond aggravating.

If you are just starting to think about open adoption, this book would probably be a great resource. If you're looking for more guidance as an adoptive parent...probably not so much.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helps you navigate through the many different scenarios of open adoption. The author repeatedly states that adoption creates a split in a person between their biology and biography. Openness in adoption is an effective way to heal that split.

Some of my favorite quotes: “We acknowledge that parents are capable of loving multiple children. So why not allow and encourage children to do the same with multiple parents?”

“Open adoption relationships are much like in-law relationships. They may be uncomfortable in the beginning, and they take time to form.”

“Open adoption is a process, not a point in time. It is a direction you aim for. And you periodically check to see if you are still on the desired path. Much like a happy marriage has both good times and challenging times, a successful open adoption will also have ups and downs. The measure is in how the peaks and valleys are handled over the long run.”

If you’re thinking of adopting, or already have, this book will be a great resource to reference.

[Kyle McFerren · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a required book to read from our adoption agency. Overall, I thought the author did a good job explaining what an open adoption is and making it sound less intimidating. I found her comparison between birth families and in-laws or extended family members to be a really helpful analogy. The extended quotes from adoptive parents and birth parents provided insightful perspective. Also included were some practical sections on creating an adoptive family profile and addressing ignorant remarks from well-meaning outsiders. This would be a helpful book for prospective adoptive parents, current adoptive parents, birth parents, and anyone else involved in an open adoption.

[Samantha Barnes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really helpful insight with a lot to consider as we prepare for adoption. One perspective missing from this book, other than a casual mention, is addressing adoption openly with your children over the years if a personal relationship with their first family isn’t possible or healthy. I would have appreciated more stories and advice with that in mind. But overall I learned a lot both about the open heart toward adoption as well as the open relationship with a child’s first family.