“Wife School has been life-changing for me to understand that I have the ability to transform my marriage. It is truly life-altering.” ~Kendall Tashie, 50, married 30 years, mother of 6, mentors women and Bible study leader In a private setting, sincere Christian women repeatedly reveal that after only a few years (or even months) of marriage, their Prince Charming has lost his charm. After learning the principles in Wife School, these same women find their marriages revolutionized. Affection and closeness take a quantum leap. This remarkable progress occurs because Wife School teaches women what their husbands want and need at a deep soul level, making the husband outrageously happy. This self-help marriage book is a laugh-out-loud story in which the bratty and abrasive protagonist, Jessica—who thinks her marriage is beyond repair—learns the secrets to grow a satisfying and soul-stirring marriage. Enroll now with Jessica in Wife School, and embark on a journey that will transform your marriage beyond what you can imagine. “The principles in Wife School have changed my life. The wisdom and guidance have reversed the effect the world had on my marriage. Both my husband and I are truly grateful.” ~Emily Wilson, 33, married 8 years, 2 children, mentors younger women “The principles that I have learned from Wife School have changed my marriage and therefore changed my life in unbelievable ways. I have gone from a good marriage to an exceptional marriage (that almost seemed unattainable and unrealistic). Every wife needs to read this book.” ~Jenny Hendrix, 33, married 7 years, 5 children
Let me save you the trouble of reading this book: appreciate your husband and speak kindly to him. Those are the best parts of this book. Now go read The Empowered Wife instead (EW from now on). Actually, I read this book because I’d heard it compared to EW in a positive light. However, they really are only similar at first glance.
Note: Wife School (WS from now on) is told from the perspective of Jessica, a woman who receives a genie from her grandmother as an inheritance, and the genie is now going to teach her to be a good wife because she wished for “an outrageously happy marriage.”
Genie’s “Wife School” starts with the 8 As, which are overkill for “appreciate the husband you have and express gratitude to him in word and deed.” This is good advice! Acceptance, admiration, appreciation, attention, activities, approval… only the last two offer something different… affection and authority. And I have some problems with the HOW of some of these As.
Here are my biggest problems with 3 of the 8 As. ACCEPTANCE: Make a list of the good qualities of your husband. Good! Then make a list of the bad qualities of other husbands – “Things Other Husbands Do Wrong.” Huh? And list 5 is for all the ways you are a bad wife – “Things My Husband Might Find Difficult to Accept in Me.” These lists are supposed to be reread daily. Please, accept your husband for who he is, but let’s not look for the bad in others or ourselves as a way to help us get there. Positive approaches almost always trump negative ones. Except, the chapter doesn’t really want you to accept your husband. “It is incredibly perspective-altering for you to see that this tendency of a husband to not meet your needs for emotional intimacy is not personal against you. It is how most men act when they are untrained…. You eventually have to teach him….” So, pretend to accept him, make these 8 A deposits, then fix him later. Got it. :/
AFFECTION: If a woman doesn’t already know that her sex drive is different, this may enlighten her. Just because you aren’t in the mood doesn’t mean you won’t get there if you are willing. So, be willing. This is good advice! However... “Another truth that women have trouble accepting is that men are tempted with sexual desire whenever they see an attractive woman,” genie says. Ah, we’re at that look=lust fallacy, I think. And what a low view of men. Not that this low view is new….
In the Admiration chapter, the genie reminds women that we need to “buoy his ego” – apparently men are just fragile little things who need their ego stroked. And who have temptation every time they see a good looking woman. Other quotes that put down men from WS…
“But encouraging, forgiving, and accepting wives make molehill husbands into mountainous ones.” So, our husbands aren’t great? Why did we marry them if they were so bad? Oh, wait. That’s not what happened—we did marry good men! (Please read EW instead of WS.)
“‘When a husband allows you to see into his hurt, it is not the time to give unsolicited advice; it is the time to boost his confidence and ego.’ Men’s egos. I forget how large their ego tanks are and about the hole in the bottom of their tanks that drain nightly.”
“When Matthew feels he’s failed, his ego is like an egg tied to a shoe, and you are the shoe, Young Jessica. That means that every word you speak, every step you take, must be soft and careful. No stomping around, or the egg will break. Instead, bring out the padding, the cushions, and the gentleness.” So walk on eggshells? This is the amazing marriage solution no woman has ever tried?
“A wife is extraordinarily sweet and accommodating during courtship in order to win the man. He thinks she is going to remain that easy and accepting. He thinks he is acquiring a new cook, a consistently engaged sexual partner, and a round-the-clock admirer. So imagine his surprise when she begins Operation Transform-the-Flunkee after the wedding.” Oh, well, now we are attacking both sexes. She’s faking it to reel in a man so she can get to changing him right after the wedding.
“‘You have to be soft and think carefully about the best way to tell him something without offending him.’ Ugh. Another sermon on using kid gloves and tippy-toeing around.”
Okay, back to the AFFECTION chapter… Jessica thinks, “But I don’t mind cooking and ironing. Well, at least, I don’t mind them compared to sex.” Wow. I’m starting to think this poor woman has never climaxed in her life! Please figure out how to have more fun in the bedroom if you prefer cooking and ironing over sex.
AUTHORITY: Summary: Submit to your husband’s authority. He has the final word. Good. This is Biblical. But apparently you can appeal as many times as you want. Genie says, “There is never a limit on respectful, gracious appeals with new information or ideas. Sometimes men need time to think about what you’re trying to explain to them. And sometimes they need several appeals to see the situation correctly. Again, only you know whether the appeal is self-serving and manipulative or in the best interest of the family.” This is submitting to his authority? Badgering him?
As a general note for the As, when a wife wants to compliment or show appreciation for her husband, it can’t just be a simple statement. It has to have a follow-up paragraph, like this: “I love it when you are outgoing like that. Did you see how much that store clerk enjoyed you? I was so proud of you. How delightful you were in that situation! And that was so clever what you said. I enjoyed it so much.” After reading paragraphs like these to my husband, he has requested that I NEVER speak like that to him. Just keep it simple, short, and sweet. You don’t have to lay it on thick.
Okay, now that we are through the As, we have advice for many specific situations. These boil down to the following: talk sweetly, use a word picture, sandwich your criticism between two compliments, and negotiate. Fine, talk sweetly. That is good advice. Avoid word pictures. They rarely work. I know, I used to try to use them all the time before I read EW. And how about we just DON’T criticize our husbands? Express your desires in a way that inspires (and read EW instead). As for negotiating? Don’t do that either. Express your desires in a way that inspires instead of turning your relationship into a business partnership.
And here are some more awful gems of advice:
If your husband is rude to you because he had a hard day at work, say, “I know you are upset about work, but I don’t like what you said to me. We’ll discuss it later.” I can guarantee you no man wants to hear those last four words. He’s likely to avoid you until he thinks the storm has blown over instead.
If your husband mistreats you, Genie says, “You are his queen, not his doormat. Therefore, when he mistreats you, do as you would do in the childhood game of Mother, May I? and take one giant step back—emotionally, that is.” So, punish him? Yes, punishment is a great idea in a marriage said no one ever. I mean, if you need some space, you can take some for yourself, but not as a consequence for his bad behavior like he’s a child in time out.
When your husband has a bad idea, like a tractor pull for your anniversary…. “You could say, ‘Honey, I’ve been thinking about going to the tractor pull for our anniversary. I am really grateful you want to take me out for our anniversary. Do you think there will be enough money to buy those tickets and that new washer and dryer we’ve been talking about?” I laugh. “What if he says, ‘Sure, that will be fine’?” “Then,” Genie answers, “you stall again. That didn’t work, so you need to go to your corner of the ring and think some more before you come out again with another brilliant try.” So, her attempt at MANIPULATION to get out of going to a tractor pull by requesting a new washer and dryer set doesn’t work, and Genie says to just try again! His authority obviously doesn’t matter. His thought to please her by getting both isn’t enough. She can’t possibly receive graciously or express her desires in a way that inspires. No, just manipulate and control—as long as she uses sweet words.
“It’s best to express anger as sadness, hurt, or extreme concern.” So, lie? Manipulate? Alter your emotions to control him because men respond better to those emotions. How about just be honest and vulnerable instead of manipulative? (And maybe run through EW’s 4 questions about control instead.)
Here’s the crux of the matter, though: The stated goal of WS is to “make your husband happy” as seen in the subtitle. The initial premise is that a wife needs to say and do the right things to “regain affection” from her husband—this is a quote from the beginning of the book. The idea of earning love is sprinkled throughout the book and reiterated again at the end. “But this unusual demonstration of affection by Matthew is huge because it confirms that I have succeeded in meeting his needs, making him feel admired, and winning his love.” It’s also stated that this process could take months or years for your husband to reciprocate. What a way to lead to burn out and resentment!
In contrast, EW starts with a goal of making yourself happy (self-care/attitude adjustment) and an understanding that your husband STILL loves you—there is nothing to win or earn back. Just like a man doesn’t have to earn his wife’s respect, a wife doesn’t have to earn his love. Starting off knowing that your husband still loves you is a much better place to come from to restore your marriage. Instead of fear and sadness from a lack of love and an extended time of almost servitude to earn back his love (WS). Let’s start from a place of hope and cheerfulness instead. (Please read The Empowered Wife instead of this book!)
First, the prose style of this book reads like an 8th grade essay. However, I muddled through that.
The author of this book would have women believe that their highest calling, their very reason for existence is to make. her husband. happy. "Happy." Not even "stand by his side through adversity and help him grow into the man God wants him to be." No. Make him *happy.* That's what a woman's purpose is. The result of this suggested life-goal is what amounts to husband-worship. Here, write a list of stuff that makes Jesus happy, and then scratch out Jesus's name and write in your husband's name. Oh, sure, that sounds like sound doctrine to me.
In sum: 1. God didn't create me to "make my husband happy." 2. Even if that were an achievable goal, God wants so, so, so much more from me than manipulating a pleasant mood in one guy.
Bonus: Author followed this with, yes, Skinny School. What angle of keeping evangelical women small and shallow isn't she an expert on, I wonder?
I appreciated a lot of things about this book. It pushed me to embrace humility & service when interacting with my husband. I didn’t agree with everything she wrote, but she was practical. If you go in expecting a treatise on Biblical marriage, this is not your book. But if you’re looking for a book that pushes you to think about how to serve your spouse practically, you’ll find a lot of helpful tips & a plethora of scenarios with which to interact.
Here’s where my struggles were: the protagonist is so unlikeable. Jessica’s supposed to be pretty messed up at the beginning, but she was still obnoxious at the end. She grows, but her internal dialogue is grating throughout the entire book.
I also felt like the book was very repetitive. I think if the author could have narrowed her focus (maybe to just the 8 A’s), it wouldn’t have felt so long winded. This is a self published book, and you could definitely tell. I think the author could’ve benefited from a professional editor.
Is this book cheesy? Yes. Yet it is endearing, and the narrative approach makes this book an easy and straightforward read, which I think should be the goal here for busy women who want to change and need some quick wins as they learn to adjust their attitudes. I also think the narrative approach allows the author, through the protagonist, to voice the resistance that the reader might be feeling. I think this is disarming and helpful for the reader to see that the author understands that the content requires a huge paradigm shift. I still think Laura Doyle's content is one star above this, but I am so glad I read this book, also. I would definitely recommend this to all women I know (as well as Laura Doyle's The Empowered Wife, and Dr. Laura's The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands)
Loved it even as a single woman. I have learned an incredible amount about how to be chosen, honor my future husband and The Most High and have a fulfilling life. I will be recommending this book to my single and married friends for a successful relationship based on The Word. After all, if we read books about other subjects we know nothing about, in this day and age, marriage and successful relationships are no different. We must learn and as acquire these priceless to begin changing the tides in our homes and families so we can help to change the world through our example. I'm sure I will be rereading again and again for years to come.
Some good principles. I struggled getting through this with the writing style (I think having a good editor would likely help a lot), but was thankful that the main character had gained some maturity towards the end of the book.
Although it’s not perfect, and certainly not the highest writing quality, there is so much wisdom and good in this book. It’s funny and very easy to get into, and I’m so glad I read it!
I thought this book had very helpful insights on how to communicate with your husband in a way he will respond positively too. This discuses ways to change the only person you can (yourself) to move your marriage in a positive direction. The most powerful suggestion in the beginning was to list all the things you like about your husband and all the nice things that he does for you during any given day. It is amazing how much happier you can be with a person when you are focusing on all the good they bring to your marriage/life instead of everything they do wrong. I would highly recommend this book to anyone looking for ways to improve their marriage.
Kind of strange in the sense that it's the concept of a "genie" revealing secrets about men and marriage to the main character, but definitely some tremendous information and gave me a lot to think about.
The principles in this book make sense and they work. My marriage is testimony. I got tired of the "teacher" character and found myself skimming to get to the main points. I hope to reread portions of this book to let it sink in even further.
Was not impressed with the book. I understood the just and agreed with the basics, but come on!! Just didn't feel like all the advice given on some area were the best