Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships

by Stan Tatkin

Shift Out of Conflict and into Connection, Safety, and Intimacy

"Improve your brain, improve your relationships." That's what Stan Tatkin has learned from his leading-edge work as a researcher and couples therapist. In this complete audio learning program, he merges current insights from neurobiology and attachment theory to help you shift out of conflict and into deeper and more loving connections.

You'll first learn to identify attachment styles―patterns of intimacy that begin in the earliest years―both in yourself and in those around you. Then Tatkin guides you through his proven principles and practices for building enduring security and commitment between partners, family members, and others whom you love. Join him to

The warring brain versus the loving brain
• When your brain's threat response is getting in the way of love
• How to avoid triggering fear and help your partner feel safe and secure
• Simple gestures and words to put out emotional fires
• The power of rituals to build trust and intimacy
• How to make your relationship a sanctuary, and more
Based upon key insights from neurobiology, attachment theory, and emotion regulation research, Your Brain on Love will show you how to change the way you relate with others and open the way to greater love and connection.



The neurobiology of mating―who we choose and why
• The neurobiology of commitment―building security, the foundation of a healthy relationship
• Anchor, Island, and Wave understanding your attachment style and those of others
• "Is it you or is it me?" Understanding how the attachment styles of others interact with your own.
• Experiencing healthy conflict through social contracts, ground rules, and awareness
• Creating a lifelong plan to continue deepening your relationships

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Love, Neuroscience

6 pages, Audio CD

First published July 1, 2013

About the author

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.

Reviews

[Jennie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really lovely book about relationships. In a culture that overemphasizes independence, to the detriment of our ability to form meaningful connections, this was a refreshing take on relationships and the importance of interdependence. It stems from an attachment based perspective, and I want to recommend it to every one of my clients.

[ButterPoached · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very good book, full of useful suggestions on how to connect with your partner. Unfortunately, it gets minus one star for insisting on using pop-psy terms to set up false dichotomies (are you an Island or a Wave? Are you an Airplane or a Submarine?), and another minus one star for mononormativity. "Human beings are built to only have one, single, solitary attachment figure" is a tough point to defend, and not very helpful to people with more than one relationship, romantic or otherwise.

[Alex Annear · Rating 5 out of 5]

Less a book than a podcast, since Tatkin is really just speaking off the cuff, but he's really darn good at it. It's like a personal therapy session, and I thought it really, really worked. Incredibly useful stuff.

[hunter · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25 ✨

[Sienna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fact 1: there is nothing more difficult than another person.
Tatkin has a realistic, freeing take on what it takes to be(coming) a healthy human bean. Not so much a new perspective, but freshly remixed. Read by the author. I enjoyed listening to him & I'm probably going to circle back to this one.

[Paula Kuklane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unfortunately an audiobook only, but really good insights on how to build and maintain healthy relationships. The book explored what is human pair bonding from variety of perspectives - attachment styles, nervous system, arousal levels and offered practical ways to improve relationships. A lot of books that are about attachment style and arousal levels focus on the individual who is reading it, some kind of self-diagnosing. The goal for Stan Tatkin was always to tell you the information, so you can understand your partner and what they needbetter, know their behaviours better and act in a way that supports their well-being.

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Some random notes:

- You dont need to love yourself to be in a relationship, we learn about ourselves also from others.
- There is nothing more difficult in a planet than other person.
- Partners need to train each other. The need to be parented really never ends. If you are not a burden then you don't have any reasons to be grateful in a relationship.
- Our brains are built more for war than love. If you are too far away from your partner in terms of arousal you are going to be threatening to them. People cant tolerate high conflict for very long.
- Love is an addiction, and it has to be fed like an addiction.
- We need to be attached to at least with one person to be thriving human beings. Being adapted to being alone is being adapted to being neglected. It is not independence.
- What are our laws in our relationship? What are your promised? What are you going to do for each other? You have each others owner manual, you are caregiver of each other. Fidelity to principles, agreements, each other.
- Both partners have to make relationship attractive
- There is a reaction always on seperations, there is a reaction always on reunions
- Eyes/gazing are important part of feeling safe, seen, loved in relationship.

[Brittany Pike · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook only. Fantastic take on attachment in relationship, especially the part about islands, waves, and anchors.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you know anything about attachment theory in psychology then this will be a FABULOUS audio program to listen to. If you don't know attachment theory I think this will be a little too quick for you. It's still really good, but you may want to read Attached before this. This was a great audio program. It goes very simply through all the areas of relationships according to Attachment theory. He takes his own analogies to explain things and while at first I hesitated, by the end I liked them well enough. Great, great relationship advice all around.

Second Listening - Really, really good review of attachment theory. He could go into more detail about some things, but for the length this is a really effective audio program.

[Davina · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author seems very grounded in attachment theory, and is very clear regarding research which puts great value on relationship. In many ways, this is a book of solid advice on navigating relationship. And, the author is very clear that none of this is necessarily dysfunction, but he is very clear on the consequence of the acts. It's a relatively short book, and well worth the time.

[Niko · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really useful frameworks to approach a healthy committed relationship

[Nigel Fellman Greene · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this on Audible and as read by the author it comes across more like a lecture but a really good one. I really liked the island, wave and anchor concept even if I did feel more than a bit called out relating mostly to the island. At least thanks to the author I know a bit more about why and how I might be able to operate differently.

[Irene ✨ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book felt complementary to The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, and The Happiness Hypothesis, and sparked some personal thinking on why one chooses to be in a relationship.

[Bea · Rating 5 out of 5]

I disagree with many of the generalizations, very much dislike the naming (gotdamn islands? Planes? Etc) but when it comes to attachment, repair, injury, talents and deficits it hits the spot every damn time. Not only applicable to romantic relationships, but those you have with your kids, family and friends.

Specially revealing to put previous and present romantic relationships in perspective. Also, useful to craft bucket lists and what it is, and what it is not likely to work out.


Lots of food for thought.
Good read (or listen in this case)

[Susie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing. The resource I would give to every couple I knew, if I could. Tatkin talks about three main ways in which people learn to bond: as an island (avoidant attachment), as a wave (ambivalent attachment), and as an anchor (secure attachment.) He spends time characterizing each style and describing how and why a person develops along those lines. Because he talks about development, he is able to show how each style was adaptive for the individual, and so therefore not a "bad" approach or something of which to be ashamed.

One of the parts of the audio recordings that can help those who doubt the framework is when Tatkin describes what happens to each type when they get married. When my husband and I listened, we felt as if he had looked at and described us. The predictions are eerily accurate, and help to validate the descriptions of each style.

Ultimately, however, he argues that secure attachment is what allows people to thrive, not only in relationships, but in all of life. His goal is then to teach people from all styles how to move toward secure attachment behaviors, and how to respond to partners of each style in ways that meet their deep needs. By so doing, couples can develop a secure relationship, and ultimately help to provide for each other the kind of love they have needed.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perhaps the best thing I've ever read! Stan Tatkin takes complex concepts - Attachment Theory and Polyvagal Theory - and reimagines them in easily digestible ways with clever metaphors. More than that, he tactfully removes the stigma and judgment from these classifications - Who wouldn't want to be labelled a "wave" instead of the clinical term "anxiously attached"?! He then moves on to give the reader real-life examples of how to manage relationships with different configurations of these attachment styles. An amazing guidebook for how to better understand yourself, your partner, and the unique culture you choose to create together. Can't wait to read this again with my partner.

[Carey P.W. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read! I never understood the reasons that I just didn't feel a connection with some people that I dated even though they were great people and had many of the qualities that I was looking for. Now I know that it's just my automatic brain making those choices for me! The author does a great job at explaining some basic neurobiology when it comes to love without getting too academic. The author's suggestions for approaching relationships is great. I feel very confident in my marriage, but the author provided some great suggestions that I can certainly add to what I'm already doing. I definitely recommend the book.

[Arsenio Santos · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an inspiring, resonating, and surprising perspective on how one's nervous system performs during relationships, as well as a helpful guide to the physiological do's and dont's of love and connection. It may just nudge you into reevaluating what you thought you knew about love, intimacy, and vulnerability.

One special note: this is solely an audio program, not a narrated book per se. I haven't read any of Tatkin's others actual books, so I can't offer a comparison... But I can say that the audio program approach works really well for this material and in Tatkin's voice.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent and practical information. Incredible to find out that some of my most perplexing behaviors in relationship are actually neurobiological and quite common patterns. Helpful on all levels.

[Shawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This audiobook has helped me take a look at how I approach relationships and my expectations from these. I was able to find application to marriage, social, work, and family relationships. I believe there are healthy ways to approach entering into relationships and maintaining those which have begun to ensure they last.

[Martha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stuff you never knew presented with common sense. My favorite line: Just know when you go into marriage that you are each going to be a pain in the ass. (That piece of advice, paraphrased if squeamish, should be standard advice passed down by grandmas!)

[Shannon Unger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful breakdown on attachment and how to have a healthy relationship. I appreciated it did not idealize any attachment style but rather focused on how to care for your partner and understand them.

[Alexa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a different take on how to improve your romantic relationships and I buy it. Good advice you probably haven't read elsewhere.

[Hadeel Elbitar · Rating 5 out of 5]

should be taught at schools! so so good! Mandatory reading for anyone who is or wants to be in a long term relationship of any kind!

[Zsuzsanna Turi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very very vvvvvvery useful book. It's not only useful if you want to understand the people you love romantically. It helped to gain a better understanding of everyone I love and care about.

[T. Laane · Rating 5 out of 5]

RELATIONSHIPS ARE MESSY WORK. Unrepaired injuries in a relationship amplify the feeling that something’s wrong. All people are high maintenance up close - there’s a reason you have more drama with your partner than with your friends. Marriage vows could honestly be: I take you as my pain-in-the-a**, and you take me as yours. It’s even tougher because nature doesn’t want the couples to be together forever, having kids with the same person - nature wants to mix up the gene pool!
EVOLUTION, ATTACHMENT, AND FAMILY. The book dives deep into attachment styles, describing “islands” who need lots of alone time, prefer their own space, and learned self-soothing as lonely kids who didn’t get much interactive caregiving. Their parents cared more about appearances and intelligence than emotional connection - so “islands” learned to hide their needs. “Islands” tend to value independence in their partners too, and often have rosier childhood memories than reality. They want their partners to be independent, but that’s really just their own old patterns echoing forward.
ATTACHMENT STYLES. Then there are “waves,” people whose one parent was close, but the other made them fill emotional gaps. Waves get clingy in relationships - always wanting reassurance and fearing abandonment. “Anchors” are the healthiest - they got enough as kids, didn’t need to meet their parents’ needs, and are fine alone or together, enjoying face-to-face problem solving and missing their partner when apart. There are also airplane types (prone to emotional highs and lows, quick to get excited or angry) and submarines (slow to get aroused, more likely to shut down or withdraw). Often, you fight more if you’re both “airplanes,” and flee from emotional intensity if you’re two “submarines.”
RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS, STRESS, AND ADVICE. During courtship, “islands” can fake being anchors, but as things get serious, they distance themselves, need more space, become more secretive, and may return to self-soothing habits or even addictions. They feel trapped, like they must perform all the time, and lose desire for sex - especially if physical affection was rare at home. They start convincing themselves that their partner won’t be there for them, but just wants to use them. And islands can’t always put these feelings into words, so they may seem cold or unavailable. Don’t interrogate them with “why” questions, don’t smother, don’t demand emotional sharing - don’t take their distance personally! Islands aren’t truly independent - they’re just adapted to neglect.
SUPPORTING AN ISLAND PARTNER. If you love an island, say things like “I see you need your alone time,” or “I know I’m coming on strong, but…” so they feel seen and accepted. Warn them before changing activities, expect them to back out of plans, and know it’s not personal. Assume they’re happy to see you, even if they don’t act like it. As for “waves,” who become negative and may punish by withdrawing - don’t walk away or argue with logic. Move toward them emotionally, not away. And when one of you is an “airplane” or a “submarine,” you have to meet them at their current emotional “altitude” before trying to connect - otherwise it’s just static.
EMOTIONAL REGULATION AND PERSPECTIVE. The book makes clear: processing style (fast like a rabbit or slow like a tortoise) isn’t about intelligence. Smart people can be slow to process, and that’s fine. You can’t change your partner’s stress response by operating on a different frequency: if they’re “airplane-level” upset, you have to meet them there rather than trying to force “submarine-level” calm. Calling your partner by their first name during lovemaking is endearing, but yelling it from another room can sound threatening.
RELATIONSHIP VULNERABILITIES. Many people have weak spots - like I am struggling to imagine others’ perspectives or read faces, so You should rather accept them in others, not try to “teach” them to be strong in everything. Know, that people generally act by instinct and memory, not conscious choice. As a couple, you’re a shared nervous system: if one goes down, it can bring down the other. Society values couples over solitude - even serial killer couples get more attention than a single. Good partners have each other’s “Owner’s Manual” - they know exactly how to comfort and support one another. Whenever you’re asked “why did you agree to this,” you should have a real personal reason, not just “because we agreed.” Otherwise it was a demand.
RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLES AND MAINTENANCE. Healthy couples put the relationship first, not the self or one’s emotional state - injuries in the relationship must be repaired ASAP. Defend each other in public and private, always be on the same page. Keep your “house” clean - don’t give your partner negative experiences to dwell on. A 24/7 “hotline” is vital - your partner should always feel they can reach you for anything, even just to complain about an itchy back. You should be the first to hear anything important about your partner. Agreements should be so natural that you just know them, not something you have to puzzle out. If you trigger a “threat” feeling in your partner, repair it immediately - otherwise, the threat only grows in their subconscious and colors everything. It’s all about repair, not about being mistake-free.
REPAIR AND REASSURANCE. If you hurt your partner by something you consciously did, it’s 100% your job to repair, and it doesn’t matter if it’s hard or uncomfortable - do whatever it takes. In a secure relationship, answer “do you love me,” with unwavering certainty. The same with children - certainty builds security. Pausing or hesitating erodes trust and safety, and later you feel guilty about not always giving that security.
SECURITY AND ATTRACTION. Secure functioning isn’t just for couples - it’s why police and soldiers are so close, their lives depend on mutual support. The healthiest relationships create a feeling of “I want to come home.” Attraction is stoked by sharing positive emotions, like saying, “I love standing here with you,” “This film was great with you,” or anything joyful.
REUNIONS, CONFLICT, AND THIRD PARTIES. Reunions and partings always have an effect - hugs are great, or eye contact at least. For islands and waves, make a habit of doing a “reunion” when you see each other. Primary partnership comes first - if anyone says “I feel in the middle between you and your X,” that’s a relationship problem. Nothing should come between the primacy of the couple. Even in tension with a child, try to clarify your partner’s viewpoint first - not the child.
EMOTIONAL TENDING AND REPAIR. You should know instantly how to make your partner feel loved - without asking, you should just know. In fights, stay close and keep eye contact - don’t turn away or distance yourself. Panic moments or harsh words stick in your partner’s brain, even if said as a joke, and especially if the emotional context is charged.
CONFLICT STYLE AND REPAIR. Secure couples can pause fights, leave them unresolved for a bit, and then come back to finish calmly. Admitting fault is a tension breaker and a repair. If your partner sees you as arrogant or mean, it doesn’t matter who’s “right” - their perception is the one you must address. The first person to complain or get hurt gets all your attention; don’t counter with your own grievances at that point. The first situation has to be fixed first!
DEDICATION. People value what they commit to with no refund option - secure commitment is “I put all my chips on you.” Secure relationships are “anchor” culture. Security comes from feeling secure, not listing the facts why one ought to feel this way.

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

His other book We Do was better. Talks of Islands and Waves and Anchors. Importance of eye contact, fighting fair, understanding that sometimes others take longer to process things than you but that's not a reflection of their intelligence. Importance of putting the couple first, always. Knowing you can always turn to that person. Importance for Islands to get over not wanting to talk about things and fleeing or being the first to admit what they need and want.

“Devote yourself to your partner's sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.”

The couple bubble is an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else. It means putting your partner's well-being, self-esteem and distress relief first. And it means your partner does the same for you. You both agree to do it for each other. Therefore, you say to each other, "We come first." In this way, you cement your relationship. It is like making a pact or taking a vow, or like reinforcing a vow you already took with one another.”

“the point is that couples should feel secure in knowing they can reach out to their partner at any time, anywhere, and their partner will be receptive.”

“We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self-worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people.”

[Georgia Comins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really great listen and loved the fact that so much of the insights are based around attachment theory which is something I have really enjoyed learning about before and that made me most interested in this programme.

I would have given it five stars but I’m a bit iffy on the idea of secure responses to questions such as “will you love me forever?” I understand where Tatkin is coming from but the realist in me finds it hard to wholeheartedly agree with the idea that we should respond with a resounding “yes!” To such questions even though we know it is possible that we will fall out of love or break up etc. I understand that it’s about reassurance in the same we way don’t tell children they’re going to die one day, but I wonder whether answering in this way as adults creates too much of a fantasy as it is so far removed from reality.
I’m hardly an expert though and my quibble with that suggestion probably stems from my attachment style 😉

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

My partner recommended I read this book and I am glad I did. I think there was definitely some worthwhile insight.

With that being said, I felt like it didn’t match some of my beliefs around relationships. There was a strong focus on your romantic partner being the person who comes before everything else. I think that mindset can lead to some unhealthy codependency and reinforce some negative relationship stereotypes I’ve seen. I also felt that the author used examples in extremes. There are 3 primary categories he groups people into and uses that throughout the book. Although he does clarify that he is using extremes to make a point, it still is hard to hear the messaging without thinking “I don’t fit into this box”.

Overall, I’m not sure I’d recommend this book in a blanket manner, but perhaps if I thought it applied to specific couples I might.

[Shelby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to this in audio book format with the author reading, although it felt more like a conversation which made it easier to take in the information. This book helped me to see love or initial infatuation in a different light; it provided great insight as to how the actual chemicals and wiring in my brain may have lead to some of the stupid decisions I've made and showed me that those decisions weren't just because I'm terrible at dating. I also liked the symbolism he used to describe different relational patterns and how each need to feel love. I would highly recommend this book to both singles and people in relationships.

[Spencer Fojas · Rating 5 out of 5]

A short and helpful guide to couples regulating their nervous systems together. My favorite take aways were the island vs wave descriptions and what they need from each other. I liked the “you break it you fix it” mentality that it’s your responsibility to take care of your partner emotionally - as in you can create “threats” to them such as eyes rolls and signs of dismissal even if you don’t mean to be dismissive. aka, you have to fix your face, you can’t just let your negative face fly free and expect people to give you the BOTD. Finally, I like the idea of a hug till your partner relaxes not just hugging till you feel good.