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First published January 1, 2005






 
  
Still, the waves broke, the cliffs loomed high, the breeze carried the smell of salt water, and the storm’s aftermath tempered the summer’s warmth. Proceeding down the trail, the desire to be a part of the original, natural order stirred inside him, the wish to escape the trappings of people and the meaningless clamor that heralded its self-importance; this need was set in him, surpassing everything he treasured or believed was true (his many writings and theories, his observations on a vast number of things).
And what did it matter if, eventually, everything was to be lost, vanquished, or if there existed no ultimate reason, or pattern, or logic to all which was done on the earth? For she was not there, and yet I remained. Never had I felt such incomprehensible emptiness within myself, and just then, as my body moved from the bench, did I begin to understand how utterly alone I was in the world. So with dusk’s fast approach, I would take nothing away from the garden, except that impossible vacancy, that absence inside which still had the weight of another person–a gap which formed the contour of a singular, curious woman who never once beheld my true self.
If only it were that easy, he thought. If only every problem was guaranteed a solution. Then the perplexity that signified periods when his mind couldn’t grasp its own ruminations cast its shadow over him, but he managed to articulate himself as best as he could, solemnly saying, “It seems–or rather–it’s that sometimes–sometimes things occur beyond our own understanding, my dear, and the unjust reality is that these events–being so illogical to us, devoid of whatever reason we might attach to them–are exactly what they are and, regrettably, nothing else–and I believe–I truly believe that that is the hardest notion for any of us to live with.”
No, I had finally concluded, she was never mad or ill, nor was she despairing to the point of insanity. She had, for reasons unknown, simply extracted herself from the human equation and ceased to be; doing so, perhaps, as some contrary means of survival. And even now I wonder if creation is both too beautiful and too horrible for a handful of perceptive souls, and if the realisation of this opposing duality can offer them few options but to take leave of their own accord. Beyond that, I can give no other explanation which may strike closer to the truth of the matter. Still, it has never been a conclusion I have wanted to live comfortably with.