What do you think?
Rate this book
The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependence The Other Side of Co-dependency
Do you know someone who...
— Has trouble being close to others?
— Has a strong need to be right – all the time?
— Acts self-centered and egotistical?
— Never asks for help?
— Expects perfection in self and others?
— Seldom appears vulnerable or weak?
— Has difficulty relaxing?If so, this person may suffer from counter-dependency, the little-known flip side of co-dependency. The Flight from Intimacy, by psychologists Janae and Barry Weinhold, reveals counter-dependency as the major barrier to creating intimate relationships. People with counter-dependent behaviors appear strong, secure, and successful on the outside, while on the inside they feel weak, fearful, insecure, and needy. They function well in the world of business but often struggle in intimate relationships. Being in a relationship with this kind of person can be extremely frustrating.
The Flight from Intimacy shows readers how to recognize and cope with counter-dependent people. And if you recognize yourself in the description above, this book will help you learn how to change. It teaches readers how to use committed relationships to heal childhood wounds and provides proven ways to use conflicts as opportunities for creating intimate, partnership relationships.
— Has trouble being close to others?
— Has a strong need to be right – all the time?
— Acts self-centered and egotistical?
— Never asks for help?
— Expects perfection in self and others?
— Seldom appears vulnerable or weak?
— Has difficulty relaxing?If so, this person may suffer from counter-dependency, the little-known flip side of co-dependency. The Flight from Intimacy, by psychologists Janae and Barry Weinhold, reveals counter-dependency as the major barrier to creating intimate relationships. People with counter-dependent behaviors appear strong, secure, and successful on the outside, while on the inside they feel weak, fearful, insecure, and needy. They function well in the world of business but often struggle in intimate relationships. Being in a relationship with this kind of person can be extremely frustrating.
The Flight from Intimacy shows readers how to recognize and cope with counter-dependent people. And if you recognize yourself in the description above, this book will help you learn how to change. It teaches readers how to use committed relationships to heal childhood wounds and provides proven ways to use conflicts as opportunities for creating intimate, partnership relationships.
276 pages, Paperback
First published January 28, 2008
83 people are currently reading
466 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
October 2, 2016
This book was somewhat painful to finish. Maybe because I took a couple month break. Some made sense and was insightful, but a lot of it seems very questionable. I would like to see some science or data regarding things like birth trauma or events during infancy leading to long term or significant behavior problems. Also, the idea of nutrition and nurturing behaviors used to cure cancer seems just plain false. I am a doctor so really struggling to make sense of many claims and methods presented.
July 20, 2021
I read this book as a companion to Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap (check my review here https://www.goodreads.com/review/show... ).
Key insights:
* I would say that ~40% of content is more or less overlaps with the first book. There is a deeper dive into ‘co-dependency’ term coming out of addiction therapy & treatments (which I didn’t care much about). So like 50% of book was re-treading the same waters.
* In this book there is a better portrait of counter-dependent behaviour patterns in relationships. This was helpful, considering it explained behaviour of my last girlfriend in minute details.
* I would say this book is much less practical than the first one. Most of the instruments (incl. conflict resolution strategies) require either a very specific therapist or a partner willing to test them together. That’s cool that this approach worked for the authors. But I hardly see how to implement them in my actual life (e.g. I’m being single right now).
* It was interesting that the authors have lived for some time in Soviet Union and give their take of the situation in late 80s there. But in general, their examples of extrapolating stages of development on the countries and societies seemed very weak and like a thin conjecture.
So it’s an ok book, but mostly secondary to the first book.
Recap
Counter-Dependency
Many lonely, agoraphobic, rebellious, sexually addicted people are counter-dependent.
People with counter-dependent behaviors appear strong, self-confident, and successful on the outside. On the inside they are weak, insecure, fearful, and needy.
They may function well in the world of business, but often they are failures in the world of relationships.
In short, they keep very busy trying to show other people that they are okay and do not need anything from anyone.
Symptoms
* Attempted to hide normal fears, anxieties, or insecurities from others
* Attempted to always “look good” and always be “right”
* Felt victimized by the actions of others
* Felt anxious in close, intimate relationships
* Been reluctant to ask for help from others when needed
* Had low tolerance for frustration, marked by temper tantrums or fits of anger when frustrated
* Been unable to relax and had a constant need to be engaged in work or activity
* Felt afraid of being smothered or controlled by the needs of others
* Tended to sexualize all nurturing touch
* Been addicted to work, sex, activity, or exercise
While co-dependent behaviors are related to traumas involving abandonment and neglect, counter-dependent behaviors are associated with traumas involving abuse.
There are also three identifiable subtypes of avoidant children: (1) the lying bully who blames others, (2) the shy, dissociated loner who seems emotionally flat, and (3) the obviously disturbed child with repetitive twitches and tics who daydreams and shows little interest in his or her environment.
And there are two subtypes of anxious/ambivalent children: (1) the fidgety, impulsive child with poor concentration who is tense and easily upset by his or her failures, and (2) the fearful, hypersensitive, clingy child who lacks initiative and gives up easily.
They learn to be superficially pleasant, hardworking, highly successful men and women. Inside, however, they are afraid of intimate situations, feel insecure when they aren’t in control, and are unable to form or sustain close relationships.
Addiction
When we look at addictive behavior, we see that alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, and food can become transitional objects that provide a person with the comfortable, reassuring feeling that an available mother might provide for a child.
Some men have difficulty in distinguishing between sex and love and wonder why they still feel empty after sex.
Trauma & drama
People with co-dependent behaviors generally develop a deflated False Self, one that looks weak and helpless, while people with counter-dependent behaviors generally have an inflated False Self.
Those with co-dependent behaviors are more prone to depression, while those with counter-dependent behaviors are more likely inclined to grandiosity to avoid feeling depressed.
These traumatic experiences are stored as beliefs (“There must be something wrong with me”), as values (“It’s okay for people to hurt me, because I’m not important or valuable”), as assumptions (“Adults are people who hurt you and can’t be trusted”), or as expectations (“Starting new things in life will be difficult and painful for me”).
Each time it is replayed, the trauma ends the same way: it confirms your early beliefs, values, assumptions, and expectations and adds another layer around the core of the onion.
Drama triangles include the following characteristics:
• the strong dominating the weaker
• unequal rights
• a lack of clear boundaries
• belief in scarcity
• indirect communication
• secrets
• win-lose conflict resolution
• suppression of feelings
Some common power plays are:
• shaming others
• escalation (“rageaholic” behavior)
• sandbagging (dragging in old issues)
• asking why instead of how
• blaming others
• pulling rank
• labeling and name-calling
• leaving in the middle of a conflict
• avoiding responsibility for a conflict
• playing martyr
• using money or sex to control others
In order to transform systems into partnership models of relationship, participants must possess or experience the following:
• an attitude of abundance
• legislated equal rights
• social systems constructed to share power
• negotiation skills
• direct lines of communication
• open expression of feelings
• cooperative, win-win approaches to resolving conflicts
• a commitment to tell the truth and to seek intimacy
• respect for the boundaries of others
Recovery
The Steps to Recovery of the Self Include:
• remembering what happened to you as a child;
• identifying the characteristics of counter-dependent behaviors;
• feeling your feelings;
• learning reparenting skills;
• becoming an autonomous person;
• learning to take charge of your body;
• developing a spiritual life; and
• learning to live interdependently.
Six Skills for Changing Your Counter-Dependent Behaviors
• Developing empathy
• Setting boundaries
• Reclaiming projections
• Parenting yourself
• Resolving conflicts
• Communicating about sex
Developing empathy
People with co-dependent issues will actually create conflict when the relationship is not intimate enough. Those with counter-dependent behaviors create conflict when the relationship is too intimate.
The person with a co-dependent need for intimacy activates the other person’s counter-dependent need for protection from invasion or abuse. On the other hand, the person with a counter-dependent need for space and safety can activate his or her partner’s co-dependent fear of abandonment.
Reflective Listening
• Paraphrasing is a concise response that captures the essence of the content of what was said but uses your own words. Use your own words so that you don’t sound like a parrot.
• Reflective responses involve paraphrasing to capture the feeling tone or feelings that were spoken. For example, a friend might say, “I’m not sure what to do. Every time I think I’m going to get the job, someone else is picked.” Your reflective response might be: “You sound really frustrated and discouraged.”
• Reflecting meanings combine both feelings and content. Using the above example, a response that combines both content and feeling might be: “You really seem discouraged and sad about this job hunting process, and you probably just want to give up sometimes.”
Setting boundaries
Once you decide you want clear boundaries, you will likely experience more conflict, because you’ll find yourself informing people when they cross them.
Now this can sound like a bad thing, but it really isn’t. When you let someone know where your personal “fence” is, this person will become more aware of his or her own.
Reclaiming projections
In psychology, the “shadow” usually refers to unwanted aspects of ourselves that we are unaware of, that we try to ignore, or that we can see only in other people. Reassigning your own shadow to other people and judging them negatively because of it is known as “projecting.”
Communicating about sex
Counter-dependent sex is
• performance-oriented, based on showing your partner how great you are;
• ritualistic and mechanical;
• used as an escape from problems;
• manipulative and controlling, requiring lots of effort;
• physically satisfying;
• comparative and competitive;
• followed by feelings of emptiness and loss; and
• used to avoid past problems.
Interdependent sex is
• communication-oriented, based on your taking charge of your own pleasure and asking for what you want;
• spontaneous and creative;
• a celebration of the resolution of problems;
• relaxed and effortless;
• physically, emotionally, and frequently spiritually satisfying;
• intimate and cooperative;
• followed by warm, connected feelings;
• used to work through past problems.
Many people with unmet counter-dependent needs have bought this one completely because looking good is what it’s all about for them (the creation of a False Self). They hope that, if they can look sexy enough or confident enough or perfect enough, no one will ever suspect them of being the weak, insecure, uncertain, needy people they actually are.
Key insights:
* I would say that ~40% of content is more or less overlaps with the first book. There is a deeper dive into ‘co-dependency’ term coming out of addiction therapy & treatments (which I didn’t care much about). So like 50% of book was re-treading the same waters.
* In this book there is a better portrait of counter-dependent behaviour patterns in relationships. This was helpful, considering it explained behaviour of my last girlfriend in minute details.
* I would say this book is much less practical than the first one. Most of the instruments (incl. conflict resolution strategies) require either a very specific therapist or a partner willing to test them together. That’s cool that this approach worked for the authors. But I hardly see how to implement them in my actual life (e.g. I’m being single right now).
* It was interesting that the authors have lived for some time in Soviet Union and give their take of the situation in late 80s there. But in general, their examples of extrapolating stages of development on the countries and societies seemed very weak and like a thin conjecture.
So it’s an ok book, but mostly secondary to the first book.
Recap
Counter-Dependency
Many lonely, agoraphobic, rebellious, sexually addicted people are counter-dependent.
People with counter-dependent behaviors appear strong, self-confident, and successful on the outside. On the inside they are weak, insecure, fearful, and needy.
They may function well in the world of business, but often they are failures in the world of relationships.
In short, they keep very busy trying to show other people that they are okay and do not need anything from anyone.
Symptoms
* Attempted to hide normal fears, anxieties, or insecurities from others
* Attempted to always “look good” and always be “right”
* Felt victimized by the actions of others
* Felt anxious in close, intimate relationships
* Been reluctant to ask for help from others when needed
* Had low tolerance for frustration, marked by temper tantrums or fits of anger when frustrated
* Been unable to relax and had a constant need to be engaged in work or activity
* Felt afraid of being smothered or controlled by the needs of others
* Tended to sexualize all nurturing touch
* Been addicted to work, sex, activity, or exercise
While co-dependent behaviors are related to traumas involving abandonment and neglect, counter-dependent behaviors are associated with traumas involving abuse.
There are also three identifiable subtypes of avoidant children: (1) the lying bully who blames others, (2) the shy, dissociated loner who seems emotionally flat, and (3) the obviously disturbed child with repetitive twitches and tics who daydreams and shows little interest in his or her environment.
And there are two subtypes of anxious/ambivalent children: (1) the fidgety, impulsive child with poor concentration who is tense and easily upset by his or her failures, and (2) the fearful, hypersensitive, clingy child who lacks initiative and gives up easily.
They learn to be superficially pleasant, hardworking, highly successful men and women. Inside, however, they are afraid of intimate situations, feel insecure when they aren’t in control, and are unable to form or sustain close relationships.
Addiction
When we look at addictive behavior, we see that alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, and food can become transitional objects that provide a person with the comfortable, reassuring feeling that an available mother might provide for a child.
Some men have difficulty in distinguishing between sex and love and wonder why they still feel empty after sex.
Trauma & drama
People with co-dependent behaviors generally develop a deflated False Self, one that looks weak and helpless, while people with counter-dependent behaviors generally have an inflated False Self.
Those with co-dependent behaviors are more prone to depression, while those with counter-dependent behaviors are more likely inclined to grandiosity to avoid feeling depressed.
These traumatic experiences are stored as beliefs (“There must be something wrong with me”), as values (“It’s okay for people to hurt me, because I’m not important or valuable”), as assumptions (“Adults are people who hurt you and can’t be trusted”), or as expectations (“Starting new things in life will be difficult and painful for me”).
Each time it is replayed, the trauma ends the same way: it confirms your early beliefs, values, assumptions, and expectations and adds another layer around the core of the onion.
Drama triangles include the following characteristics:
• the strong dominating the weaker
• unequal rights
• a lack of clear boundaries
• belief in scarcity
• indirect communication
• secrets
• win-lose conflict resolution
• suppression of feelings
Some common power plays are:
• shaming others
• escalation (“rageaholic” behavior)
• sandbagging (dragging in old issues)
• asking why instead of how
• blaming others
• pulling rank
• labeling and name-calling
• leaving in the middle of a conflict
• avoiding responsibility for a conflict
• playing martyr
• using money or sex to control others
In order to transform systems into partnership models of relationship, participants must possess or experience the following:
• an attitude of abundance
• legislated equal rights
• social systems constructed to share power
• negotiation skills
• direct lines of communication
• open expression of feelings
• cooperative, win-win approaches to resolving conflicts
• a commitment to tell the truth and to seek intimacy
• respect for the boundaries of others
Recovery
The Steps to Recovery of the Self Include:
• remembering what happened to you as a child;
• identifying the characteristics of counter-dependent behaviors;
• feeling your feelings;
• learning reparenting skills;
• becoming an autonomous person;
• learning to take charge of your body;
• developing a spiritual life; and
• learning to live interdependently.
Six Skills for Changing Your Counter-Dependent Behaviors
• Developing empathy
• Setting boundaries
• Reclaiming projections
• Parenting yourself
• Resolving conflicts
• Communicating about sex
Developing empathy
People with co-dependent issues will actually create conflict when the relationship is not intimate enough. Those with counter-dependent behaviors create conflict when the relationship is too intimate.
The person with a co-dependent need for intimacy activates the other person’s counter-dependent need for protection from invasion or abuse. On the other hand, the person with a counter-dependent need for space and safety can activate his or her partner’s co-dependent fear of abandonment.
Reflective Listening
• Paraphrasing is a concise response that captures the essence of the content of what was said but uses your own words. Use your own words so that you don’t sound like a parrot.
• Reflective responses involve paraphrasing to capture the feeling tone or feelings that were spoken. For example, a friend might say, “I’m not sure what to do. Every time I think I’m going to get the job, someone else is picked.” Your reflective response might be: “You sound really frustrated and discouraged.”
• Reflecting meanings combine both feelings and content. Using the above example, a response that combines both content and feeling might be: “You really seem discouraged and sad about this job hunting process, and you probably just want to give up sometimes.”
Setting boundaries
Once you decide you want clear boundaries, you will likely experience more conflict, because you’ll find yourself informing people when they cross them.
Now this can sound like a bad thing, but it really isn’t. When you let someone know where your personal “fence” is, this person will become more aware of his or her own.
Reclaiming projections
In psychology, the “shadow” usually refers to unwanted aspects of ourselves that we are unaware of, that we try to ignore, or that we can see only in other people. Reassigning your own shadow to other people and judging them negatively because of it is known as “projecting.”
Communicating about sex
Counter-dependent sex is
• performance-oriented, based on showing your partner how great you are;
• ritualistic and mechanical;
• used as an escape from problems;
• manipulative and controlling, requiring lots of effort;
• physically satisfying;
• comparative and competitive;
• followed by feelings of emptiness and loss; and
• used to avoid past problems.
Interdependent sex is
• communication-oriented, based on your taking charge of your own pleasure and asking for what you want;
• spontaneous and creative;
• a celebration of the resolution of problems;
• relaxed and effortless;
• physically, emotionally, and frequently spiritually satisfying;
• intimate and cooperative;
• followed by warm, connected feelings;
• used to work through past problems.
Many people with unmet counter-dependent needs have bought this one completely because looking good is what it’s all about for them (the creation of a False Self). They hope that, if they can look sexy enough or confident enough or perfect enough, no one will ever suspect them of being the weak, insecure, uncertain, needy people they actually are.
January 22, 2021
Это одна из лучших книг, прочитанных мной когда бы то ни было!
Если от книг по психологии можно получать катарсис, то тут я получила его от каждой главы и каждого предложения.
Поразила широта охвата вопроса близости, не только как отношений в паре, но как семьи, общества, страны, мира в целом. Поразила глубина поднятых вопросов и найденных авторами ответов. Практичность книги отдельные восхищения, некоторые практики я взяла и использую на каждодневной основе.
Книга абсолютно точно способна изменить мировоззрение и производить работу внутри еще долгое время после ее прочтения. Еще никогда не перечитывала книги, но эту хочется перечитать через пару лет еще раз. Так что, очень рекомендую)
Если от книг по психологии можно получать катарсис, то тут я получила его от каждой главы и каждого предложения.
Поразила широта охвата вопроса близости, не только как отношений в паре, но как семьи, общества, страны, мира в целом. Поразила глубина поднятых вопросов и найденных авторами ответов. Практичность книги отдельные восхищения, некоторые практики я взяла и использую на каждодневной основе.
Книга абсолютно точно способна изменить мировоззрение и производить работу внутри еще долгое время после ее прочтения. Еще никогда не перечитывала книги, но эту хочется перечитать через пару лет еще раз. Так что, очень рекомендую)
April 15, 2008
In Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap, the authors looked to the true causes of co-dependency. They stated that 98% of the human population is co-dependent and that this reflected stilted emotional development caused by unmet needs in the first six months of life. Essentially, psychological development is halted at this point so that the individual can find what he or she needs to resolve the situation.
Counter-dependency is another major concern to healthy human development. Counter-dependency is the opposite of co-dependency. Whereas co-dependent people look to others (or substances) to solve their issues; individuals who are counter-dependent refuse to depend upon anyone. They attempt to be completely independent and isolate themselves from others.
Counter-dependency begins between the ages of six months and three years. At this age, children are beginning to explore their surroundings. If they have the unconditional love and security of their parents, children eagerly learn about their surroundings and begin to become independent people. If during this exploration the child is abused or otherwise traumatized, the child learns that the world is an unsafe place and that he or she can't trust anyone. To the outside world this individual might seem to have it all together but underneath they are miserable and completely alone.
Counter-dependency is another major concern to healthy human development. Counter-dependency is the opposite of co-dependency. Whereas co-dependent people look to others (or substances) to solve their issues; individuals who are counter-dependent refuse to depend upon anyone. They attempt to be completely independent and isolate themselves from others.
Counter-dependency begins between the ages of six months and three years. At this age, children are beginning to explore their surroundings. If they have the unconditional love and security of their parents, children eagerly learn about their surroundings and begin to become independent people. If during this exploration the child is abused or otherwise traumatized, the child learns that the world is an unsafe place and that he or she can't trust anyone. To the outside world this individual might seem to have it all together but underneath they are miserable and completely alone.
July 7, 2010
This book, along with its companion, Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap, helped me see deeper into the nature of intimacy disorder, and helped me understand that there is something we can do about it. Amazing stuff in here! Hope, tools, and lots to chew on...
December 30, 2022
In my opinion work of Janae and Barry Weinhold it’s one of fundamental principles in relationship therapy. I particularly liked how many examples of their own relationships authors sharing with us and how despite their degrees the journey to self awareness is always ongoing and never ending matter. Great book
September 21, 2023
Системна книжка, яка підсумувала різні теорії про залежності в стосунках, але під кінець скочується в містицизм. Все одно раджу для тих, хто ще не вступив у стосунки і не наламав своїх дров, а тому має шанс щось виправляти.
January 14, 2018
Perfect
Perfect for my needs as i am going through such a complete diagnosis and treatment with associated awareness and wisdom
Perfect for my needs as i am going through such a complete diagnosis and treatment with associated awareness and wisdom
May 26, 2020
One of the most important books I feel I will ever read
November 24, 2020
Zseniális! Gyakorlatias könyv sok példával,konkrét feladattal.
December 31, 2022
Weird.
Lots of good nuggets and highlights for me in this book, but most of it was straight-up weird and loony.
Lots of good nuggets and highlights for me in this book, but most of it was straight-up weird and loony.
September 7, 2021
While some of the book introduces useful ideas and actionable exercises, the rest of the book is not ideal. The political and sociological "detours" feel somewhat shallow, lacking the context and the depth of understanding of historical, political and societal problems.
Authors sometimes jump to the conclusions just because they believe in their ideas, without providing any evidence (longitudinal, randomized, double-blind studies? Nah, forget it.)
Authors sometimes jump to the conclusions just because they believe in their ideas, without providing any evidence (longitudinal, randomized, double-blind studies? Nah, forget it.)
June 29, 2022
Вода, 100500 базовых терминов и "решение будет вам показано в 10 главе" - о чем ты, черт возьми, будешь говорить еще 8 глав? Опять о статистике рождаемости?
Этому автору явно платили за объем, заспамленность у текста ужасная - сначала список способов (кроме сомнительного совета читать книги, остальные кажутся ну прям очевидными) и расшифровки стиля "Работа в обстановке доверительных отношений. Доверительные отношения – это такие отношения, в которых...". Тут явно набирали объем
А в итоге у книги ни художественной ценности, ни практической
Этому автору явно платили за объем, заспамленность у текста ужасная - сначала список способов (кроме сомнительного совета читать книги, остальные кажутся ну прям очевидными) и расшифровки стиля "Работа в обстановке доверительных отношений. Доверительные отношения – это такие отношения, в которых...". Тут явно набирали объем
А в итоге у книги ни художественной ценности, ни практической
August 26, 2008
Another amazing book from this amazing couple. While some of their techniques sound bizarre, their insight and theories on unmet developmental needs make perfect sense.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews