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Planet of the Umps: A Baseball Life from Behind the Plate
After calling balls, strikes, and outs for thirty-six baseball seasons and more than 3000 major league games, umpire Ken Kaiser finally called it a career. From the first day he hit a minor league catcher with a pool table to the fateful day baseball called him out on a strike, Kaiser was one of the game's most popular and colorful characters. And in this autobiography-written with the co-author of Ron Luciano's classic bestseller The Umpire Strikes Back - Kaiser brings to life his wild adventures from the pro wrestling arena to the baseball diamond.
This is the hysterically true story of four decades of baseball as lived and loved on the playing field, from Ted Williams and Billy Martin to Derek Jeter and Mark McGwire, from one-eyed umpires to space-age technology. And as he did throughout his long and sometimes controversial career, the larger-than-his-chest-protector Kaiser called 'em as he saw 'em.
This is the hysterically true story of four decades of baseball as lived and loved on the playing field, from Ted Williams and Billy Martin to Derek Jeter and Mark McGwire, from one-eyed umpires to space-age technology. And as he did throughout his long and sometimes controversial career, the larger-than-his-chest-protector Kaiser called 'em as he saw 'em.
288 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published April 19, 2003
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
May 20, 2018
He Called Them As He Saw them, Even When He Didn't See Them
Before baseball became enamored of sabermetrics and defensive shifts, before players had WARs and before grounders to the second base hole went into the books as 6 to 3 putouts, baseball had character, and characters. Not all of the characters pitched the ball or tried to hit it. Some only had to watch it and say what it was, not as easy as it sounds, especially when it’s a young Nolan Ryan throwing the ball and with no idea where it was going.
The late Ken Kaiser, a Big League ump from 1977 to 1999, was a member of what may have been the last generation of baseball characters and he tells us about it in his 2003 book, Planet of the Umps.
Ken umped for 36 years, including 13 years in the minors. With conditions as horrible as they were in the minors (and as vividly as Kaiser recalls it,) the reader wonders why anybody would have stuck it out for so long. Kaiser wonders too.
What a life! Imagine, you ump a game in a little town you’d never heard of until you got sent there, and after the game, you take a cold shower, eat cold hot dogs and jump into the car for a 600-mile drive to tomorrow’s ballgame. Two umps in the car (the minors worked games with 2-man crews, not four,) and the passenger isn’t allowed to sleep. His job is to keep his partner from dozing off behind the wheel. And to pass the beer.
The book is mostly anecdotes and character sketches strung together into book length, the kind of writing that can quickly grow stale, but here, stays fresh.
Two anecdotes from among many, to give you an idea:
Whenever a fan ran onto the field, if the fan got anywhere close to Ron Luciano, another umpire, what would Luciano do? Try to restrain the guy? Maybe get him in an arm bar and hold him until the security guys got there? Run away for fear the guy was carrying a knife or a gun? Not Luciano. He’d ask the guy if he could borrow five bucks. Think about that one.
Kaiser’s in his first year, he’s in the very low minors, and his partner makes two terrible calls, both going against the home team. After the game, an angry mob gathers outside the umps' locker room. Kaiser is terrified; his partner, a veteran ump who has seen it all before, is unperturbed. Kaiser’s wondering how they’re going to get past that angry mob and to the car, for their all-night drive. (And wondering does he maybe want to just drive home instead, and look for a sane job.) The veteran ump showers, dresses, pulls out a pistol and fires two shots through the door, aiming high so not to kill someone. He opens the door, surprise, surprise, nobody there. They get a police escort out of the state. Just across the line, Kaiser effusively thanks the policemen, one of whom tells him it was the two worst calls he’s ever seen in all his years rooting for the home team, and if he’d been in the crowd, instead of in uniform, he’d have been standing outside the locker room door too, banging and cussing.
Is it a true story? I don’t know, but it’s funny, and Kaiser’s a storyteller. This is a man who knows absurdity. He worked a few off-seasons as a professional wrestler. He got squashed by the 500-pound Haystacks Calhoun and body slammed by the even bigger Andre the Giant.
The book is not without insights.
What does it take to be a big league ump? Great eyesight? An intricate knowledge of the rules? Nah. Grow big so nobody can push you around, and when they come charging out of the dugout to yell at you, and they will, puff yourself up the way the balloon fish does, to make yourself look even bigger. And sell your decisions, even when you know you’re flat-out, dead-to-rights wrong. Sell it, baby.
Kaiser’s observations about the men in late twentieth-century major league baseball are a lot of fun for anyone who followed baseball in those days.
A sampling:
Geore Brett was a nice guy with an explosive temper. (Who can forget his emergence from the dugout at the pine-tar incident?) Eddie Murray was an unpleasant brooder, Billy Martin and Earl Weaver were, well, Billy Martin and Earl Weaver. Martin, off the field, was a super guy.
Toward the end, the book, which to now has been a rollicking good time, turns somber. It’s the late nineties and the umps, who have always been treated poorly by the leagues, band together in a union under Richie Phillips. There’s strikes and acrimony and the umps’ situation improves, but 22 of them, including Kaiser, lose everything, except for the memories. Those were forged, if not in iron, at least in sweat, and we can thank Mr. Kaiser for sharing them with us.
Before baseball became enamored of sabermetrics and defensive shifts, before players had WARs and before grounders to the second base hole went into the books as 6 to 3 putouts, baseball had character, and characters. Not all of the characters pitched the ball or tried to hit it. Some only had to watch it and say what it was, not as easy as it sounds, especially when it’s a young Nolan Ryan throwing the ball and with no idea where it was going.
The late Ken Kaiser, a Big League ump from 1977 to 1999, was a member of what may have been the last generation of baseball characters and he tells us about it in his 2003 book, Planet of the Umps.
Ken umped for 36 years, including 13 years in the minors. With conditions as horrible as they were in the minors (and as vividly as Kaiser recalls it,) the reader wonders why anybody would have stuck it out for so long. Kaiser wonders too.
What a life! Imagine, you ump a game in a little town you’d never heard of until you got sent there, and after the game, you take a cold shower, eat cold hot dogs and jump into the car for a 600-mile drive to tomorrow’s ballgame. Two umps in the car (the minors worked games with 2-man crews, not four,) and the passenger isn’t allowed to sleep. His job is to keep his partner from dozing off behind the wheel. And to pass the beer.
The book is mostly anecdotes and character sketches strung together into book length, the kind of writing that can quickly grow stale, but here, stays fresh.
Two anecdotes from among many, to give you an idea:
Whenever a fan ran onto the field, if the fan got anywhere close to Ron Luciano, another umpire, what would Luciano do? Try to restrain the guy? Maybe get him in an arm bar and hold him until the security guys got there? Run away for fear the guy was carrying a knife or a gun? Not Luciano. He’d ask the guy if he could borrow five bucks. Think about that one.
Kaiser’s in his first year, he’s in the very low minors, and his partner makes two terrible calls, both going against the home team. After the game, an angry mob gathers outside the umps' locker room. Kaiser is terrified; his partner, a veteran ump who has seen it all before, is unperturbed. Kaiser’s wondering how they’re going to get past that angry mob and to the car, for their all-night drive. (And wondering does he maybe want to just drive home instead, and look for a sane job.) The veteran ump showers, dresses, pulls out a pistol and fires two shots through the door, aiming high so not to kill someone. He opens the door, surprise, surprise, nobody there. They get a police escort out of the state. Just across the line, Kaiser effusively thanks the policemen, one of whom tells him it was the two worst calls he’s ever seen in all his years rooting for the home team, and if he’d been in the crowd, instead of in uniform, he’d have been standing outside the locker room door too, banging and cussing.
Is it a true story? I don’t know, but it’s funny, and Kaiser’s a storyteller. This is a man who knows absurdity. He worked a few off-seasons as a professional wrestler. He got squashed by the 500-pound Haystacks Calhoun and body slammed by the even bigger Andre the Giant.
The book is not without insights.
What does it take to be a big league ump? Great eyesight? An intricate knowledge of the rules? Nah. Grow big so nobody can push you around, and when they come charging out of the dugout to yell at you, and they will, puff yourself up the way the balloon fish does, to make yourself look even bigger. And sell your decisions, even when you know you’re flat-out, dead-to-rights wrong. Sell it, baby.
Kaiser’s observations about the men in late twentieth-century major league baseball are a lot of fun for anyone who followed baseball in those days.
A sampling:
Geore Brett was a nice guy with an explosive temper. (Who can forget his emergence from the dugout at the pine-tar incident?) Eddie Murray was an unpleasant brooder, Billy Martin and Earl Weaver were, well, Billy Martin and Earl Weaver. Martin, off the field, was a super guy.
Toward the end, the book, which to now has been a rollicking good time, turns somber. It’s the late nineties and the umps, who have always been treated poorly by the leagues, band together in a union under Richie Phillips. There’s strikes and acrimony and the umps’ situation improves, but 22 of them, including Kaiser, lose everything, except for the memories. Those were forged, if not in iron, at least in sweat, and we can thank Mr. Kaiser for sharing them with us.
June 17, 2025
Entertaining Stories, Light on Substance
Planet of the Umps is a lively and humorous memoir from longtime MLB umpire Ken Kaiser. Full of colorful anecdotes, behind-the-scenes antics, and unapologetic opinions, the book offers a fun look at baseball from the umpire's unique—and often misunderstood—perspective.
Kaiser’s larger-than-life personality comes through loud and clear. His tales of player confrontations, on-field chaos, and life on the road are entertaining and often laugh-out-loud funny. For fans who enjoy the human side of the game, there’s plenty to enjoy.
However, it earns 3 stars because the book often feels more like a loosely connected series of bar stories than a cohesive memoir. There’s little reflection or deeper insight into the pressures and challenges of umpiring at the highest level. Readers looking for a more thoughtful or structured exploration of the profession may come away wanting more.
Still, Planet of the Umps delivers an amusing, no-frills ride through the wild world of baseball officiating—and sometimes, that’s enough.
Planet of the Umps is a lively and humorous memoir from longtime MLB umpire Ken Kaiser. Full of colorful anecdotes, behind-the-scenes antics, and unapologetic opinions, the book offers a fun look at baseball from the umpire's unique—and often misunderstood—perspective.
Kaiser’s larger-than-life personality comes through loud and clear. His tales of player confrontations, on-field chaos, and life on the road are entertaining and often laugh-out-loud funny. For fans who enjoy the human side of the game, there’s plenty to enjoy.
However, it earns 3 stars because the book often feels more like a loosely connected series of bar stories than a cohesive memoir. There’s little reflection or deeper insight into the pressures and challenges of umpiring at the highest level. Readers looking for a more thoughtful or structured exploration of the profession may come away wanting more.
Still, Planet of the Umps delivers an amusing, no-frills ride through the wild world of baseball officiating—and sometimes, that’s enough.
February 10, 2022
Like others have said, it's almost all stories. Story after story about how Ken fell into baseball, the people he worked with, the memorabilia he collected (and almost as quickly gave away), managers, players, fans, other umpires, it's all there man.
There was a lot of insight on what it takes to be a good umpire, and perhaps most important of all is that a good umpire must be completely convinced that he made the right call, and that rings through
So do I believe everything in this book happened? I believe that Ken believed it. Even if he's getting the story wrong though, it's a dang good story.
There was a lot of insight on what it takes to be a good umpire, and perhaps most important of all is that a good umpire must be completely convinced that he made the right call, and that rings through
So do I believe everything in this book happened? I believe that Ken believed it. Even if he's getting the story wrong though, it's a dang good story.
September 9, 2024
revelations of a major league umpire
Great book, funny at times, about a man who became a major league umpire only after working in the minors for years. To get to the major leagues required great sacrifices and this is a book that should be read that details that journey. This book is filled with humor and irony and pain. The author has written a masterpiece and I highly recommend it.
Great book, funny at times, about a man who became a major league umpire only after working in the minors for years. To get to the major leagues required great sacrifices and this is a book that should be read that details that journey. This book is filled with humor and irony and pain. The author has written a masterpiece and I highly recommend it.
October 21, 2024
Ump books are great!!! Kaiser is an interesting guy and boy does he have the stories. When I started reading, I thought I would mark some of the best stories. I gave up--I would have had to mark every page!
August 22, 2017
Anecdotal reminiscence by a controversial strikes and balls caller.
October 24, 2018
Pretty good. This was better than I expected. Kaiser has some good stories about ball players and umpires I remember very well. The umpires were definitely a different breed in the twentieth century.
May 8, 2022
a fun read
Ken Kaiser’s book was suggested to me by a former big league player, and I’m glad he did. It’s serious at times, but mostly lighthearted and fun.
Ken Kaiser’s book was suggested to me by a former big league player, and I’m glad he did. It’s serious at times, but mostly lighthearted and fun.
July 19, 2022
Great stories, the dust ups, the wrestlers, the wise cracks, the practical jokes. It’s a super road trip with a grand character of the game … and it’s aged well.
March 7, 2024
Not great, but not terrible. Mostly anecdotes and stories. If you are interested in Major League Baseball you may like the book. If you are an umpire at any level, you'll really enjoy it.
December 29, 2024
Great Baseball Read
Great read for all baseball lovers. I would encourage your walk into the past greatness of baseball. Enjoy the game.
Great read for all baseball lovers. I would encourage your walk into the past greatness of baseball. Enjoy the game.
June 9, 2015
Classic baseball autobiography by an umpire who served 13 years in the minors before a 23-year major league run that ended abruptly with the 2002 umpire lockout/strike/resignations that ended badly for some, including Kaiser.
Funny, fast-moving and full of stories, within the genre this is a classic. Kaiser was a high-school graduate (barely--as he said "I didn't know the meaning of the word intimidation. Of course, I didn't know the meaning of a lot of other words either.") joining a friend on a lark when he went to umpire school in 1963. After his second time through the school, and dismissal from several very low minor league jobs, he finally made a career of it, and loved it the whole way through to the bitter end.
Kaiser is honest about his bitterness of how his career ended, but maintains his humor and sense of scale throughout the book, just as he has maintained his integrity since the strike.
Funny, fast-moving and full of stories, within the genre this is a classic. Kaiser was a high-school graduate (barely--as he said "I didn't know the meaning of the word intimidation. Of course, I didn't know the meaning of a lot of other words either.") joining a friend on a lark when he went to umpire school in 1963. After his second time through the school, and dismissal from several very low minor league jobs, he finally made a career of it, and loved it the whole way through to the bitter end.
Kaiser is honest about his bitterness of how his career ended, but maintains his humor and sense of scale throughout the book, just as he has maintained his integrity since the strike.
June 27, 2020
This is fun for its behind-the-scenes look from the minor leagues to the Big Show. By now, a bit out date tho. Still, Kaiser is a character; and his writing seems to mirror his abrasive personality (in a fun way). I lost count of how many times he threw guys out of the game - including spectators! - without the least bit of care.
One thing my dad and I always hypothesized about the game turned out to be true: After bad calls, managers often run out on the field to "argue," except they’re only putting on a show. Amidst the dirt-kicking and hollering, they'd politely ask the umpire to throw them out! When Kaiser asked one manager Why, he said he couldn't bare to watch his team take such a beating anymore!
One thing my dad and I always hypothesized about the game turned out to be true: After bad calls, managers often run out on the field to "argue," except they’re only putting on a show. Amidst the dirt-kicking and hollering, they'd politely ask the umpire to throw them out! When Kaiser asked one manager Why, he said he couldn't bare to watch his team take such a beating anymore!
March 15, 2021
Really loved this book. Reads like you are having a set of great conversations with an old buddy while watching a few games with a beer or two.
If you are over 50, this book will be an incredible nostalgic tour of your early baseball memories, and you will hear new stories that will truly resonate.
If you are under 50 and were not around when Kaiser was umping, then this is one of the easiest and enjoyable reads I can think of that will give you a real "flavor" for what baseball was like back in the day.
Well worth a read.
If you are over 50, this book will be an incredible nostalgic tour of your early baseball memories, and you will hear new stories that will truly resonate.
If you are under 50 and were not around when Kaiser was umping, then this is one of the easiest and enjoyable reads I can think of that will give you a real "flavor" for what baseball was like back in the day.
Well worth a read.
January 27, 2010
It was OK only because I love to read about umpiring. Kaiser couldn't make a call right-handed so the umpiring rules had to be ignored for him. The book is better than his umpiring only because it couldn't be any worse.
December 1, 2012
Ken kept it real discussing being an ump and being one of the "other guys" on the field that we either love or hate depending on if the call went the right way. All fans should read this book simply to understand what goes on in the mind of an umpire and to see how difficult it really is.
January 19, 2009
Once I started thinking of this book as a transcription of a guy in a bar BSing about his life, I really enjoyed it. Don't look for facts or deep insight, just enjoy the tall tales Ken tells.
April 26, 2013
Terrible. Very whiny. Some good stories, though.
Read
January 12, 2014I read this book a few years ago and I enjoyed it a lot. It talks about the how much power the umpires have and what it was like for Ken Kaiser coming up from the minor leagues of baseball.
December 26, 2014
A really funny book! If you enjoy Baseball, then read this book, as it gives a different perspective on things! Well written!
February 14, 2016
read SOMETIME in 2006
June 13, 2016
Read this in '01 and enjoyed the reading since I was a high school umpire at the time
April 12, 2017
Ken Kaiser doesn't care for baseball, but he doesn't have to cause he's an umpire. This book chronicles former American League Ken Kaiser's journey through the lowest of minor leagues to the lavish life style of the majors, up until the infamous umpire strike that led to his ultimate firing.
Full of hilarious stories that you'll never hear about on ESPN, Ken Kaiser shows you the other side of baseball we rarely hear about. If you love baseball you will love this book.
Full of hilarious stories that you'll never hear about on ESPN, Ken Kaiser shows you the other side of baseball we rarely hear about. If you love baseball you will love this book.
Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews