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Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
Being a parent is usually all about giving of yourself to foster your child's growth and development. But what happens when this isn't the case? Some parents dismiss the needs of their children, asserting their own instead, demanding attention and reassurance from even very young children. This may especially be the case when a parent has narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder. From the author of Working with the Self-Absorbed and Loving the Self-Absorbed, this major revision of a self-help classic offers a step-by-step approach to resolving conflict and building a meaningful relationship with a narcissistic parent. Children of the Self-Absorbed offers clear definitions of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder to help you identify the extent of your parent's problem. You'll learn the different types of destructive narcissism and how to recognize their effects on relationships. With the aid of proven techniques, you'll discover that you're not helpless against your parent's behavior and that you needn't consider giving up on the relationship. Instead, realistic strategies and steps are suggested for learning to set mutually agreed upon behaviors that can help you fulfill your needs and expectations.
264 pages, Paperback
First published December 31, 2000
497 people are currently reading
3940 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 127 reviews
July 13, 2013
I liked the book and found it very helpful in identifying maternal narcissism. Unfortunately this book advocates that the adult child put up with the abuse because the adult will never recognize their own narcissistic and abusive behavior. Since they are unable to change, the best one can do is adapt and change to accommodate their abuse. For some that will not work. No-one should have to put up with abuse.
May 4, 2013
Eye-opening, heartbreaking, and empowering at the same time. I am an adult child of a narcissistic mother and have lived my life being told what to think, do, and say. Any deviation was to be called bad, or bitch, or useless, or have to her say to me face 'I wish you were a better person'. I'd always thought there was something wrong with me and had no clue that something could be wrong with her. This book opened my eyes.
Gives strategies for dealing with narcissistic parents and how to take care of yourself when under the thumb of them still in your adult life.
Gives strategies for dealing with narcissistic parents and how to take care of yourself when under the thumb of them still in your adult life.
May 7, 2015
I've read Children of the Self-Absorbed and Disarming the Narcissist and Children of the SA was far better. This book was a very practical approach to dealing with narcissistic parents as an adult. The first few chapters covered what narcissism is so those pieces are a bit repetitive if you've read any other books on the subject. Then, Brown teaches tools to combat (or rather, learn to ignore) the narcissistic parent. One of her best tools, I've found, is "Stop fantasizing that they will finally get it."
Additionally, Brown helps the reader to determine his own level of narcissism and to roll back any of the bad habits that may have formed.
I listened to this on audiobook. In fact, it was my first audiobook and I highly recommend that version. The woman who read the book was so calming that even in those parts where Brown writes, "this might make you angry" I couldn't be angry because the narrator was so soothing. An added bonus!
Additionally, Brown helps the reader to determine his own level of narcissism and to roll back any of the bad habits that may have formed.
I listened to this on audiobook. In fact, it was my first audiobook and I highly recommend that version. The woman who read the book was so calming that even in those parts where Brown writes, "this might make you angry" I couldn't be angry because the narrator was so soothing. An added bonus!
April 5, 2023
Nowhere on the cover or in the description is this volume identified as a workbook. Yet it is. There are nine quizzes contained within, and approximately twenty-seven exercises, which will require plenty of paper and ink. The author is operating under the premise that the only person you can change is yourself and will be putting you on the path to doing precisely that. The difficulty here is that the last thing the child of a self-absorbed parent needs to hear is that she's got some deficits it is her responsibility to amend. She's been hearing that all her life - and it is, quite frankly, startling that a professional specializing in this field doesn't take the time or supply the sensitivity necessary to address this.
If you are the (grown) child of a narcissistic parent, you can count on being triggered by this approach. It will remind you, in many ways, of those miserable days you spent fending off all those "helpful" critiques of your character and the "loving" list of the flaws you had that you really needed to get a handle on if you expected to get anywhere in the world - so, fair warning.
On the upside, Ms. Brown is fundamentally correct. Your narcissist is never going to arrive at that Come-To-Jesus moment. There will be no apologies, no regret, no restitution; no understanding brought on by significant change. The best one can do as a (grown) child still in contact with such a parent is to strengthen boundaries, strengthen self, and acquire strategies to deflect the abuse yet to come. These quizzes and exercises will assist in making a start.
It's just sort of darkly ironic to me that the book's intent is to armor those who've pretty much been forced into doing this for themselves all of their lives. How much are we preaching to the choir here? I don't know.
If you are the (grown) child of a narcissistic parent, you can count on being triggered by this approach. It will remind you, in many ways, of those miserable days you spent fending off all those "helpful" critiques of your character and the "loving" list of the flaws you had that you really needed to get a handle on if you expected to get anywhere in the world - so, fair warning.
On the upside, Ms. Brown is fundamentally correct. Your narcissist is never going to arrive at that Come-To-Jesus moment. There will be no apologies, no regret, no restitution; no understanding brought on by significant change. The best one can do as a (grown) child still in contact with such a parent is to strengthen boundaries, strengthen self, and acquire strategies to deflect the abuse yet to come. These quizzes and exercises will assist in making a start.
It's just sort of darkly ironic to me that the book's intent is to armor those who've pretty much been forced into doing this for themselves all of their lives. How much are we preaching to the choir here? I don't know.
March 4, 2008
A book that changed my life in my forties. What more can I say.
September 18, 2012
So....I bought this book to try to "understand" my mother and somehow (possibly) moved towards forgiveness. sometimes when reading a chapter I'd forget it started to read to get to know my mother, it sounded like I was reading about ME. Chances are, if you had a narcissistic parent, some of those qualities/habits/etc may show up in your personality too.
So, um...yeah =)
So, um...yeah =)
May 26, 2015
I read more than half of this book. Got a bit frustrated with it. It is full of writing or art exercises to, supposedly, help people with narcissistic parents. But after awhile, I started reading about exercises that I had absolutely no clue as to why they were even included in this book in the first place. The author seems a bit insulting by insinuating that just because your parent is "self-absorbed" that your are just as "self-absorbed" as well. Whereas, other books suggest that just because your parent is narcissistic, the children of such parents may or may not be. I'm guessing that in this particular book she assumes that children will become like their parents because of the "role modeling" aspect, or the concept of "the apple does not fall far from the tree".
There were some aspects I did find interesting, like the "different types of narcissistic parents" as well as the responses that the children may make in reaction to their narcissistic parent.
There were some aspects I did find interesting, like the "different types of narcissistic parents" as well as the responses that the children may make in reaction to their narcissistic parent.
November 12, 2019
Get the crayons out! You'll need them for the drawing exercises that take place on every other page...
Some good parts, but I take issue with the "need" to develop "healthy adult narcissism". That's not a thing. Narcissism is not healthy; self-respect, boundaries and confidence are.
It was weird that it was assumed everyone will continue to have contact with their narcissistic parents. Nothing about cutting contact and dealing with that.
I also found it offensive that the book kept repeatedly treating the reader like they're also a self-absorbed narcissist who's horrible to be around and oblivious to others. A lot of people who deal with narcissists are the opposite -- too sensitive to the feelings of others, too eager to please, too quick to self-reflect and blame themselves. It was definitely appropriate to bring up the possibility of "narcissistic tendencies" and strategies to address them, but constantly repeating "you definitely have narcissistic tendencies and are self-absorbed and no one likes you" didn't seem that helpful.
Some good parts, but I take issue with the "need" to develop "healthy adult narcissism". That's not a thing. Narcissism is not healthy; self-respect, boundaries and confidence are.
It was weird that it was assumed everyone will continue to have contact with their narcissistic parents. Nothing about cutting contact and dealing with that.
I also found it offensive that the book kept repeatedly treating the reader like they're also a self-absorbed narcissist who's horrible to be around and oblivious to others. A lot of people who deal with narcissists are the opposite -- too sensitive to the feelings of others, too eager to please, too quick to self-reflect and blame themselves. It was definitely appropriate to bring up the possibility of "narcissistic tendencies" and strategies to address them, but constantly repeating "you definitely have narcissistic tendencies and are self-absorbed and no one likes you" didn't seem that helpful.
January 14, 2012
As I began reading, I quickly realized that it'd make a great drinking game to take a shot every time I ran across a typographical error but, fearing alcohol poisoning, I decided against it. Once I got past that and the sometimes-rambling, repetitive nature of the book, I realized it was really on point and wished I'd read it long ago when my mother had asked me to read the book, back when my father was still alive.
That said, as the book repeatedly mentions, therapy is your best option if this book applies to you. And if this book applies to you, you'll likely know by the end of the first couple sections or so. of course, this book makes a good supplemental offering to therapy, especially, perhaps ONLY, if you're determined to follow the book's advice. Its advice is pretty sound on the whole, well researched, even.
That said, as the book repeatedly mentions, therapy is your best option if this book applies to you. And if this book applies to you, you'll likely know by the end of the first couple sections or so. of course, this book makes a good supplemental offering to therapy, especially, perhaps ONLY, if you're determined to follow the book's advice. Its advice is pretty sound on the whole, well researched, even.
April 20, 2021
There were a few nuggets of helpful information in this book, but I found much of it contradictory and even harmful. Nina Brown seems to have written this book with the assumption that everyone who was raised by self-absorbed people must be pathologically narcissistic themselves. Quite a bold sentiment from someone who is supposed to help people who's self esteem and sense of self has been constantly torn down growing up. Narcissists also tend to be gas-lighters, meaning people (including myself) who seek out books like this were often told that THEY were the problem, the one who is mentally unwell, not the parents. Some of this book honestly felt like an extension of that.
One of the few helpful segments talked about how you should stop trying to empathize with your abusive parent. That was something that had honestly never occurred to me and I really appreciate this advice, as I really do think it will help with enmeshment. However, the author quickly contradicts herself by accusing the reader of lacking empathy constantly and telling them to stop being such a selfish narcissist and empathize with people. OK, then.
Probably most odious of all is the ableism sprinkled throughout this book. This book is constantly accusing the reading of being unreasonably needy and taking advantage of people by asking them to do things they could do themselves. At one point the author very harshly says that all adults can take care of their basic needs and essentially implies that if you think you need help you're a self-absorbed loser.
This book doesn't just dump on the disabled community, no! It's also, wait for it . . . slut shaming! According to Nina Brown, you are being a narcissist if you (direct quote) "Dressing flamboyantly or in a manner to emphasize your sexuality". She goes on to explain, "The intent of these kinds of behaviors is to gain outside validation that you are significant, important, different, and better than others, and to ensure yourself that you do indeed exists and are worthwhile." (pg 138) And here I thought I just wanted to look cute! Apparently that's not allowed. Also not allowed are "feeling that you deserve to be recognized for any of the following . . . having talent and ability . . . achieving and accomplishing". No, no, everyone. Throw that Nobel Prize in the trash. Nina Brown says I'm a narcissist if I accept it!
My favorite section of this book is the references. There are only 6 and two of them are other books that Nina Brown has written. The other 4 are too old to hold much scientific weight in this day and age.
One of the few helpful segments talked about how you should stop trying to empathize with your abusive parent. That was something that had honestly never occurred to me and I really appreciate this advice, as I really do think it will help with enmeshment. However, the author quickly contradicts herself by accusing the reader of lacking empathy constantly and telling them to stop being such a selfish narcissist and empathize with people. OK, then.
Probably most odious of all is the ableism sprinkled throughout this book. This book is constantly accusing the reading of being unreasonably needy and taking advantage of people by asking them to do things they could do themselves. At one point the author very harshly says that all adults can take care of their basic needs and essentially implies that if you think you need help you're a self-absorbed loser.
This book doesn't just dump on the disabled community, no! It's also, wait for it . . . slut shaming! According to Nina Brown, you are being a narcissist if you (direct quote) "Dressing flamboyantly or in a manner to emphasize your sexuality". She goes on to explain, "The intent of these kinds of behaviors is to gain outside validation that you are significant, important, different, and better than others, and to ensure yourself that you do indeed exists and are worthwhile." (pg 138) And here I thought I just wanted to look cute! Apparently that's not allowed. Also not allowed are "feeling that you deserve to be recognized for any of the following . . . having talent and ability . . . achieving and accomplishing". No, no, everyone. Throw that Nobel Prize in the trash. Nina Brown says I'm a narcissist if I accept it!
My favorite section of this book is the references. There are only 6 and two of them are other books that Nina Brown has written. The other 4 are too old to hold much scientific weight in this day and age.
August 17, 2009
From the title, I thought this book would be more helpful than it turned out to be. The focus was too much on the narcissist and dealing with them effectively, when I'm looking to understand my empathic side better, to find ways to protect myself and give myself space. I wanted the focus more to be on the "child" rather than the "parent."
May 7, 2012
Even if your parents aren't certified narcissistic, this book is a great dose of reality for anyone whose parents are or were overbearing and tough to handle. It's a nice piece of advice and guidance about ushering your parents into "retirement" from parenting you and monitoring your life's happenings.
June 5, 2015
I think it's a great book for people who have trouble identifying their emotions. Also for those who have trouble with negative self talk and hatred, and who grew up with parents who had trouble with emotional management--but also those who just want to be better at emotional awareness in general. It's interesting, well-written and has exercises for the reader.
While reading it, I could find many unhealthy patterns and behaviors in people around me. It helped to develop a compassion for those behaviors instead of an "AHA!" blaming attitude. I exhibited some negative behaviors myself and came to realize how hard it is to change them and how damaging they can be to one's self and one's relationships.
It's one of those books I think should be required reading in school, especially in the field of psychology, business and behavioral therapy.
While reading it, I could find many unhealthy patterns and behaviors in people around me. It helped to develop a compassion for those behaviors instead of an "AHA!" blaming attitude. I exhibited some negative behaviors myself and came to realize how hard it is to change them and how damaging they can be to one's self and one's relationships.
It's one of those books I think should be required reading in school, especially in the field of psychology, business and behavioral therapy.
April 1, 2017
I didn't read this, I listened to a recording. It made me tired. All those exercises. It seems to me an awful lot of work to continue a relationship with an abusive parent. It was helpful to have the nature of a narcissistic parent (mother, in my case) described. For me, NC (no contact) was a better choice. Sure, no family is perfect, but not all families are toxic either. Mine was. Lots of therapy, lots of readings, lots of thinking, analyzing and attempts to understand has helped greatly. And as evidenced by my reading (er, listening to) this, I am still trying to learn as much as I can, so I can be my best self.
August 27, 2012
If you already know you're the child of a destructive narcissist, you can skip to the third chapter and start from there. I was hoping to find helpful strategies in the healing process to recover from this type of relationship, but did not find much guidance there. I can't say it's to the fault of this book, though. Anyone who has had a destructive narcissist in their life knows there isn't much you can do but focus on healing yourself. There are numerous exercises to perform towards the end of the book. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but may be helpful to some.
May 8, 2020
I received an advance reader copy of this book to read in exchange for an honest review via netgalley and the publishers.
This is a fantastic book to help you understand what narcissistic parents look like and how much their behaviour and ways can affect a child's life in childhood right through to adulthood. The book gives loads of information and insights and also helps coach you through ways to cope and get over this if you have been one of these children. This is a fantastic book and I urge anyone who's been affected or thinks they've been affected to read this.
This is a fantastic book to help you understand what narcissistic parents look like and how much their behaviour and ways can affect a child's life in childhood right through to adulthood. The book gives loads of information and insights and also helps coach you through ways to cope and get over this if you have been one of these children. This is a fantastic book and I urge anyone who's been affected or thinks they've been affected to read this.
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November 29, 2024I realized when I borrowed this that I’d already tried and failed to read it in the past. Topic is super relevant and interesting to me, but this book wasn’t for me.
February 21, 2017
I have a close friend who is going through a crisis with their parent. Even though my friend is an adult, their relationship with their parent seems strangely skewed and is causing my friend a lot of anxiety. After talking to someone very knowledgeable about psychology, this book was recommended as something that might help my friend. Being a compulsive reader and genuinely worried about my friend, I thought I’d read it before passing it along, just to possibly gain some perspective myself.
Wow. What a book. Having heard for years about the behaviors of the parent, I was absolutely shocked to discover that this book seems to have been written about this particular parent – the behaviors, speech patterns, etc., uncannily fitting to a tee; so much so, in fact, that I found myself wondering if this parent had been secretly recorded or observed in the preparation of the book! And yes, my friend showed a lot of the insecurities that develop when a child is raised by a destructively narcissistic parent.
The best part of the book (outside of describing the destructive behaviors of the parent and defense mechanisms of the child) is that it is all about setting boundaries, strategies for maintaining a less destructive relationship and healing. Healing. I love that.
I highly recommend this book to anyone suffering from the aftereffects of being raised by a narcissistic parent and/or anyone who wants to learn more about the aftereffects so that you might be of some help yourself.
Wow. What a book. Having heard for years about the behaviors of the parent, I was absolutely shocked to discover that this book seems to have been written about this particular parent – the behaviors, speech patterns, etc., uncannily fitting to a tee; so much so, in fact, that I found myself wondering if this parent had been secretly recorded or observed in the preparation of the book! And yes, my friend showed a lot of the insecurities that develop when a child is raised by a destructively narcissistic parent.
The best part of the book (outside of describing the destructive behaviors of the parent and defense mechanisms of the child) is that it is all about setting boundaries, strategies for maintaining a less destructive relationship and healing. Healing. I love that.
I highly recommend this book to anyone suffering from the aftereffects of being raised by a narcissistic parent and/or anyone who wants to learn more about the aftereffects so that you might be of some help yourself.
September 4, 2016
I picked this book up because my sister is very self absorbed and I was thinking of the effect it's had on my niece. However, whilst reading it, I realised for the first time that my depressed mother was actually self absorbed aswell! She was absorbed in her self pity and unhappy marriage etc etc. I realised by reading this book that it's not just the children of narcissists who get pushed to one side. It's also children of mothers with BPD.
December 11, 2012
First half was alright, after that it digressed into a how-to fix-it book, which is denigrating to the depth of insight required to heal from narcissistic parenting.
April 5, 2024
Zelfgeabsorbeerde ouders, “ouders die vooral op zichzelf gericht zijn en van zichzelf vervuld zijn”. Een lelijk begrip maar het dekt de lading wel. Dit boek gast over zulke ouders en wat hun kinderen kunnen doen om er als volwassene minder last van te hebben. Helaas wel veel herhaling.
Aantekeningen voor mezelf gemaakt. Één grote spoiler.
Brown legt gelukkig uit dat narcisme gezonde volwassen varianten kent en onvolwassen varianten. Ze beschrijft narcisme als een continuüm met aan de ene kant volgroeid en realistisch narcisme en aan de andere kant onvolwassen, onrealistisch en egocentrisch narcisme. Tussen deze twee extremen bevindt zich onvolwassen narcisme: sommige aspecten zijn al naar de gezonde kant gegroeid, andere nog in het onvolwassen gedeelte of in ontwikkeling. De onvolwassen delen verwacht je bij kinderen maar niet meer bij volwassenen: opscheppen, bluffen, eisen, snel gefrustreerd zijn en dan agressief overreageren, nemen van zelfdestructieve risico’s. “Veel volwassenen, zo niet de meeste, bezitten naast wat ontwikkeld en onontwikkeld narcisme, ook wat narcisme dat zich aan geen van beide uiteinden van het spectrum bevindt.” Dit boek gaat over mensen die voornamelijk naar het ongezonde deel van het spectrum neigen, “(…) waarbij iemand veel van de houdingen en gedragingen vertoont die horen bij de diagnose NPS (narcistische persoonlijkheidsstoornis) zoals beschreven in het Handboek voor de classificatie van psychische stoornissen (DSM-5
) van de American Psychiatric Association, maar toch net geen NPS heeft.” Het gedrag dat deze mensen vertonen noemt Brown: Destructief Narcistisch Patroon (DNP).
Enkele kenmerken van een zelfgeabsorbeerde ouder: wil altijd winnen met onredelijke verwachtingen over succes en prestaties; gevoel overal recht op te hebben; gebrek aan empathie; anderen zien als instrumenteel verlengstuk van henzelf; uitgeput, klagen over buitengesloten of gekleineerd worden; aandacht en bewondering zoeken; oppervlakkige emoties, eigenlijk alleen boosheid en angst; afgunstig; minachtend of arrogant; innerlijke leegte en geen langdurige relaties kunnen onderhouden; omgekeerd ouderschap (rollen kind-ouder omgedraaid); koestert zich in de glorie van het kind (kind moet succesvol zijn, wensen van het kind worsen genegeerd); onverdraagzaam jegens waarden en behoeften van het kind; buit anderen uit.
Typen zelfgeabsorbeerde ouders:
- Behoeftig. Willen gewaardeerd worden door hun inspanningen.
- Prikkelbaar. Veeleisen en kritisch, nooit tevreden.
- Berekenend. Manipulatief, willen winnen, bereid tot liegen en verdraaien.
- Grootsprakig. Ouders op podium met hoofdrol. Flamboyant en dramatisch, bluffen en opscheppen, aandikken prestaties en kwalen.
Reacties op zelfgeabsorbeerde ouder:
- Volgzaam;
- Opstandig.
Brown geeft allemaal gedetailleerde tips die er in de kern op neerkomen:
- Wordt een autonome sterke persoonlijkheid.
- Last de illusie los dat de ouder nog verandert.
- Ontwikkel een positief geformuleerde innerlijke dialoog,
- Gebruik mindfulness.
- Stel je open voor anderen.
Positieve wraak
Negatieve wraak = ander pijn doen als vergelding.
Positieve wraak = een goed leven leven ondanks het narcistische misbruik uit het verleden.
Aantekeningen voor mezelf gemaakt. Één grote spoiler.
Brown legt gelukkig uit dat narcisme gezonde volwassen varianten kent en onvolwassen varianten. Ze beschrijft narcisme als een continuüm met aan de ene kant volgroeid en realistisch narcisme en aan de andere kant onvolwassen, onrealistisch en egocentrisch narcisme. Tussen deze twee extremen bevindt zich onvolwassen narcisme: sommige aspecten zijn al naar de gezonde kant gegroeid, andere nog in het onvolwassen gedeelte of in ontwikkeling. De onvolwassen delen verwacht je bij kinderen maar niet meer bij volwassenen: opscheppen, bluffen, eisen, snel gefrustreerd zijn en dan agressief overreageren, nemen van zelfdestructieve risico’s. “Veel volwassenen, zo niet de meeste, bezitten naast wat ontwikkeld en onontwikkeld narcisme, ook wat narcisme dat zich aan geen van beide uiteinden van het spectrum bevindt.” Dit boek gaat over mensen die voornamelijk naar het ongezonde deel van het spectrum neigen, “(…) waarbij iemand veel van de houdingen en gedragingen vertoont die horen bij de diagnose NPS (narcistische persoonlijkheidsstoornis) zoals beschreven in het Handboek voor de classificatie van psychische stoornissen (DSM-5
) van de American Psychiatric Association, maar toch net geen NPS heeft.” Het gedrag dat deze mensen vertonen noemt Brown: Destructief Narcistisch Patroon (DNP).
Enkele kenmerken van een zelfgeabsorbeerde ouder: wil altijd winnen met onredelijke verwachtingen over succes en prestaties; gevoel overal recht op te hebben; gebrek aan empathie; anderen zien als instrumenteel verlengstuk van henzelf; uitgeput, klagen over buitengesloten of gekleineerd worden; aandacht en bewondering zoeken; oppervlakkige emoties, eigenlijk alleen boosheid en angst; afgunstig; minachtend of arrogant; innerlijke leegte en geen langdurige relaties kunnen onderhouden; omgekeerd ouderschap (rollen kind-ouder omgedraaid); koestert zich in de glorie van het kind (kind moet succesvol zijn, wensen van het kind worsen genegeerd); onverdraagzaam jegens waarden en behoeften van het kind; buit anderen uit.
Typen zelfgeabsorbeerde ouders:
- Behoeftig. Willen gewaardeerd worden door hun inspanningen.
- Prikkelbaar. Veeleisen en kritisch, nooit tevreden.
- Berekenend. Manipulatief, willen winnen, bereid tot liegen en verdraaien.
- Grootsprakig. Ouders op podium met hoofdrol. Flamboyant en dramatisch, bluffen en opscheppen, aandikken prestaties en kwalen.
Reacties op zelfgeabsorbeerde ouder:
- Volgzaam;
- Opstandig.
Brown geeft allemaal gedetailleerde tips die er in de kern op neerkomen:
- Wordt een autonome sterke persoonlijkheid.
- Last de illusie los dat de ouder nog verandert.
- Ontwikkel een positief geformuleerde innerlijke dialoog,
- Gebruik mindfulness.
- Stel je open voor anderen.
Positieve wraak
Negatieve wraak = ander pijn doen als vergelding.
Positieve wraak = een goed leven leven ondanks het narcistische misbruik uit het verleden.
September 15, 2022
According to GR, I started this book 6 years ago 😅 and that makes sense as it was my back burner book for what has clearly been a long time…
Really though, I feel like as I had first started this book, I wasn’t ready for it. I was still so angry and resentful, only a year into my therapy, really still at the beginning of unpacking my childhood trauma.
As my healing has progressed over the years and I am where I am now, I was able to sit down and really finish this book; to be able to read the passages about growth and feelings without scoffing, thinking that ‘I’ll never get there.’ Cause you know what? I am there. I will forever have progress to make because that’s what growing is. And I am damn proud of myself.
This book clearly states in multiple sections that it is not a substitute for professional mental health help from a licensed clinician. With that being said, I do believe that the exercises and the book as a whole is a positive tool to keep referring to as needed.
Really though, I feel like as I had first started this book, I wasn’t ready for it. I was still so angry and resentful, only a year into my therapy, really still at the beginning of unpacking my childhood trauma.
As my healing has progressed over the years and I am where I am now, I was able to sit down and really finish this book; to be able to read the passages about growth and feelings without scoffing, thinking that ‘I’ll never get there.’ Cause you know what? I am there. I will forever have progress to make because that’s what growing is. And I am damn proud of myself.
This book clearly states in multiple sections that it is not a substitute for professional mental health help from a licensed clinician. With that being said, I do believe that the exercises and the book as a whole is a positive tool to keep referring to as needed.
August 27, 2021
worthwhile and eye-opening, especially if you haven’t done much or any work around damage done by a narcissistic parent or caretaker.
personally, this shook my brain up really hard in the first half. i took a significant break from it (two years) and ended up doing a lot of work on the patterns it revealed to me. it gave me language and a way out for so much internal struggle i didn’t understand. i recommended it to everyone i knew who has dealt with a similar history.
by the time i made it back to the book, most of the exercises in the back half were work i’d already done. being that i did manage arrive at a much happier and more stable place, i trust they’re good and important work to do!
personally, this shook my brain up really hard in the first half. i took a significant break from it (two years) and ended up doing a lot of work on the patterns it revealed to me. it gave me language and a way out for so much internal struggle i didn’t understand. i recommended it to everyone i knew who has dealt with a similar history.
by the time i made it back to the book, most of the exercises in the back half were work i’d already done. being that i did manage arrive at a much happier and more stable place, i trust they’re good and important work to do!
January 14, 2024
I am truly unsure who this book is for. On one hand, many of the exercises are a bit juvenile and for someone starting their journey, but on the other side this book heavily implies the reader is a narcissist. If I had read this book when I began my journey in college, it would have validated my fear that I was a terrible person and it's all my fault because that's what my mom said. My mother would constantly tell me I'm selfish and ungrateful, and this book seems to say that the reader is narcissistic because their parent was. I find that untrue, not just for myself, but for other victims of abuse. I'm sure there are some children of narcissists that did follow in their footsteps, but I haven't personally met them. There's quite a few pages that talk about how you should try altruism, as if I have never done a single action without trying to get something out of it. I find it troubling that the book is more about how to deal with the parents narcissism and your own assumed narcissism than how to heal.
My second issue is that this book centers on keeping contact with the abuser. I cut contact 7 years ago. This book never offers that as an option. Just let the narcissist verbally abuse you, but let it get to you less. It very much feels like 'get thicker skin.' I don't think the author would imply that if it was a domestic relationship. At the end the author does suggest that forgiveness isn't mandatory, so I guess that's a plus.
These are major issues, but the worst one is it's supposed to be a guide - but just tells you to do things and why you should do them - not HOW. For example, the author will tell you that having fun friendships is important and spend an entire half a page explaining that balance in a relationship is important and someone needs to be both fun and responsible. Never once going into how to cultivate a relationship like that. Similarly with the low self esteem chapters. Just be nicer to yourself. Just be a better person. Just believe you are good enough. They are empty phrases that have little meaning. There are so many exercises that feel very juvenile like 'try to figure out where your parent shamed you.' Something I think most people with some insight and therapy have already parsed out. Another one is listing the creative things you can do with a magazine?
I realize this book was written over 20 years ago, but I wasn't aware of that when I bought it. I still think that it's not the newest idea to separate from your abusive parent. The lack of references further prove that the author is just talking from their experience than from research.
The first 50 pages were promising, they set you up to feel like you'll get a lot out of this book. I did get something, but not very much.
My second issue is that this book centers on keeping contact with the abuser. I cut contact 7 years ago. This book never offers that as an option. Just let the narcissist verbally abuse you, but let it get to you less. It very much feels like 'get thicker skin.' I don't think the author would imply that if it was a domestic relationship. At the end the author does suggest that forgiveness isn't mandatory, so I guess that's a plus.
These are major issues, but the worst one is it's supposed to be a guide - but just tells you to do things and why you should do them - not HOW. For example, the author will tell you that having fun friendships is important and spend an entire half a page explaining that balance in a relationship is important and someone needs to be both fun and responsible. Never once going into how to cultivate a relationship like that. Similarly with the low self esteem chapters. Just be nicer to yourself. Just be a better person. Just believe you are good enough. They are empty phrases that have little meaning. There are so many exercises that feel very juvenile like 'try to figure out where your parent shamed you.' Something I think most people with some insight and therapy have already parsed out. Another one is listing the creative things you can do with a magazine?
I realize this book was written over 20 years ago, but I wasn't aware of that when I bought it. I still think that it's not the newest idea to separate from your abusive parent. The lack of references further prove that the author is just talking from their experience than from research.
The first 50 pages were promising, they set you up to feel like you'll get a lot out of this book. I did get something, but not very much.
July 30, 2015
In this book the author describes sixteen actions and attitudes of self-absorbed people. She describes ten negative beliefs of the wounded child. She suggests that many injured children exhibit self-absorbed qualities themselves which I thought was a bold statement considering the intended audience. She suggests ways to increase your own awareness of your defense mechanisms, actions and attitudes with the hope that awareness will bring positive change. She has lots of exercises for self evaluation with one in Chapter 8 on ways to reduce self-absorption.
I thought the book was rich in ideas for evaluating the problem of being wounded. While I thought the exercises were interesting, I feel that self reflection isn't always the most effective tool in combating low self esteem and negative beliefs. After finishing my first read of the book I wasn't sure the book had much to say about narcissism but in reviewing the course of the authors ideas I see that she speaks to the child about the child's self and leaves the parent pretty much out of it. This is an unusual way to approach the subject of narcissism. The ideas in the book were about 50% relevant to my own experience and I felt that some of the ideas were one-sided meaning that they covered the positive symptom but not the negative or reverse symptom.
I learned a lot about the ideal of charity from this book. Paul's description in 1 Corinthians 13 talks a lot about what charity is not. This book describes in lots of detail how loving relationships cause soul wounds and there is a strong correlation to what Paul is talking about in his letter.
I thought the book was rich in ideas for evaluating the problem of being wounded. While I thought the exercises were interesting, I feel that self reflection isn't always the most effective tool in combating low self esteem and negative beliefs. After finishing my first read of the book I wasn't sure the book had much to say about narcissism but in reviewing the course of the authors ideas I see that she speaks to the child about the child's self and leaves the parent pretty much out of it. This is an unusual way to approach the subject of narcissism. The ideas in the book were about 50% relevant to my own experience and I felt that some of the ideas were one-sided meaning that they covered the positive symptom but not the negative or reverse symptom.
I learned a lot about the ideal of charity from this book. Paul's description in 1 Corinthians 13 talks a lot about what charity is not. This book describes in lots of detail how loving relationships cause soul wounds and there is a strong correlation to what Paul is talking about in his letter.
June 29, 2021
Yeah, really not happy about giving my time to this book.
The writing was clunky and often felt like broken English. It's as if someone pasted the content into Google translate and published the results. A decent editor would go a long way to improving the book.
But the larger problem, is what comes across as the author's main theme of: "if you're a better person, you won't be so easily offended". Given that the intended audience of this book are people who've gone through a childhood filled with emotional abuse, I find this shockingly tone deaf. Before I'd written this book off as having little understanding of its subject and audience, I thought that perhaps I wasn't as self-aware as I thought I was. I read out the lists of abusive behaviours, I'm apparently supposed to be prone to due to my upbringing, out to my husband: "Am I in any way like this?" He was more offended than I was. Making such generalised assumptions about people who've been raised to doubt their own reality is reckless. This is the first book I've read on the subject but will be the last book I give so much leeway too.
The writing was clunky and often felt like broken English. It's as if someone pasted the content into Google translate and published the results. A decent editor would go a long way to improving the book.
But the larger problem, is what comes across as the author's main theme of: "if you're a better person, you won't be so easily offended". Given that the intended audience of this book are people who've gone through a childhood filled with emotional abuse, I find this shockingly tone deaf. Before I'd written this book off as having little understanding of its subject and audience, I thought that perhaps I wasn't as self-aware as I thought I was. I read out the lists of abusive behaviours, I'm apparently supposed to be prone to due to my upbringing, out to my husband: "Am I in any way like this?" He was more offended than I was. Making such generalised assumptions about people who've been raised to doubt their own reality is reckless. This is the first book I've read on the subject but will be the last book I give so much leeway too.
August 7, 2016
Along with explanations, this book also includes some exercises, which the reader can complete in order to understand his/her situation better.
In the first half of the book, the author describes what DNP (destructive narcissistic parent) is and what symptoms you may have as an adult due to an upbringing with a DNP. The second half of the book focuses on methods to heal, how to become more self-aware and to become your self. I found some of the strategies quite useful.
Overall, what I got out of this book are the terms and wordings. Nina W. Brown found the exact words to describe what I went through. I took down a lot of notes, even though it was a difficult read. I do recommend this book.
In the first half of the book, the author describes what DNP (destructive narcissistic parent) is and what symptoms you may have as an adult due to an upbringing with a DNP. The second half of the book focuses on methods to heal, how to become more self-aware and to become your self. I found some of the strategies quite useful.
Overall, what I got out of this book are the terms and wordings. Nina W. Brown found the exact words to describe what I went through. I took down a lot of notes, even though it was a difficult read. I do recommend this book.
March 6, 2009
So far this is an excellant book. It talks about our family of origin and how that can effect you and what you take from that that effects your own life and that of YOUR children. Lots of exercises to do and valuable information to help you drop off the old baggage and create new self talk!!!
Very helpful excercises in this book. Very insighful!!
Very helpful excercises in this book. Very insighful!!
November 5, 2012
Excellent information but I came away, nearly in a panic with the thought that I was going to turn out with NPD as well. Having read a few more books, I understand a lot more clearly that I may have some issues, but all is not lost and not everyone reacts by becoming self-absorbed and hateful themselves. Also, I can work to help myself. So, I could not rate this more than a three.
August 13, 2017
Very informative and very insightful.
It felt very accurate in how it described me and my situation. Almost eerie at times.
It's a little dull, but that's to be expected in a book like this. It was also a little tough to read at times due to how accurate it was.
Either way, and informative book that was beneficial in my reading.
It felt very accurate in how it described me and my situation. Almost eerie at times.
It's a little dull, but that's to be expected in a book like this. It was also a little tough to read at times due to how accurate it was.
Either way, and informative book that was beneficial in my reading.
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