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Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children
UPDATED 2019 EDITION • The pioneering book that’s guided millions of parents to more effectively resolve conflicts, communicate, and create loving relationships with their children—from Nobel Peace Prize nominee Dr. Thomas Gordon
P.E.T., or Parent Effectiveness Training, began in 1962 as the first national parent-training program to teach parents how to communicate more effectively with kids and offer step-by-step advice to resolve family conflicts so everybody wins. This beloved classic is the most studied, highly praised, and proven parenting program in the world—and it will work for you. Now revised and updated, this groundbreaking guide will show
• How to avoid being a permissive parent
• How to listen so kids will talk to you and talk so kids will listen to you
• How to teach your children to “own” their problems and to solve them
• How to apply the “No Lose” method to resolve conflicts
Using the timeless methods of P.E.T. will have immediate less fighting, fewer tantrums and lies, no need for punishment. Whether you have a toddler striking out for independence or a teenager who has already started rebelling, you’ll find P.E.T. a compassionate, effective way to instill responsibility and create a nurturing family environment in which your child will thrive.
P.E.T., or Parent Effectiveness Training, began in 1962 as the first national parent-training program to teach parents how to communicate more effectively with kids and offer step-by-step advice to resolve family conflicts so everybody wins. This beloved classic is the most studied, highly praised, and proven parenting program in the world—and it will work for you. Now revised and updated, this groundbreaking guide will show
• How to avoid being a permissive parent
• How to listen so kids will talk to you and talk so kids will listen to you
• How to teach your children to “own” their problems and to solve them
• How to apply the “No Lose” method to resolve conflicts
Using the timeless methods of P.E.T. will have immediate less fighting, fewer tantrums and lies, no need for punishment. Whether you have a toddler striking out for independence or a teenager who has already started rebelling, you’ll find P.E.T. a compassionate, effective way to instill responsibility and create a nurturing family environment in which your child will thrive.
384 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1970
539 people are currently reading
3844 people want to read
About the author
Thomas Gordon
239 books70 followersThomas Gordon was an American clinical psychologist, student and later colleague of Carl Rogers. He was mainly known for his Gordon Method, primarily a method to improve relationships between parents and children that was later developed into a general communication method to improve all relationships.
Dr. Gordon spent more than 50 years teaching parents, teachers and leaders the model he developed for building effective relationships. His model was based on a strong belief that the use of coercive power damages relationships. As an alternative, he taught people skills for communicating and resolving conflicts that they can use to build and maintain good relationships at home, school and at work. These skills, which include Active Listening, I-Messages and No-Lose Conflict Resolution, are now widely known and used by people around the world. He first applied some of these methods in the 1950s as a consultant to business organizations. Then, in the early 60s, he developed the Parent Effectiveness Training course - commonly known as P.E.T. - and taught the first class to a group of 14 parents in a Pasadena, CA cafeteria. The courses proved to be so popular with parents that he began training instructors throughout the U.S. to teach it in their communities. Over the next several years, the course spread to all 50 states.
In recognition of his contributions to the betterment of humanity, Dr. Gordon was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1997, 1998 and 1999. In addition, both the American Psychological Foundation and the California Psychological Association presented him with lifetime achievement awards. Gordon Training International, the company he founded in 1974, continues his work.
Dr. Gordon spent more than 50 years teaching parents, teachers and leaders the model he developed for building effective relationships. His model was based on a strong belief that the use of coercive power damages relationships. As an alternative, he taught people skills for communicating and resolving conflicts that they can use to build and maintain good relationships at home, school and at work. These skills, which include Active Listening, I-Messages and No-Lose Conflict Resolution, are now widely known and used by people around the world. He first applied some of these methods in the 1950s as a consultant to business organizations. Then, in the early 60s, he developed the Parent Effectiveness Training course - commonly known as P.E.T. - and taught the first class to a group of 14 parents in a Pasadena, CA cafeteria. The courses proved to be so popular with parents that he began training instructors throughout the U.S. to teach it in their communities. Over the next several years, the course spread to all 50 states.
In recognition of his contributions to the betterment of humanity, Dr. Gordon was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1997, 1998 and 1999. In addition, both the American Psychological Foundation and the California Psychological Association presented him with lifetime achievement awards. Gordon Training International, the company he founded in 1974, continues his work.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 226 reviews
July 20, 2014
Excellent book with many practical examples.
Three main techniques:
Active Listening
When a child presents a problem/concern/expresses something at all, echo back to them what you hear they are FEELING (not just parrot back what they say), no judgement, evaluation, lecture, etc. Just LISTEN and echo back what they say, allowing them to own the problem and come to their own solution. Do not worry if in one listening session a problem is not reached - it is not your problem to solve.
I Messages
"I feel ______ when _______ because."
I feel upset when you push your brother because he gets hurt and I feel bad when I see someone bigger pushing someone littler than them.
(Instead of "YOU" messages which make the child feel "bad" and drive them away from you)
"Method III" collaborative problem solving
Method I - Parent decides what goes, adheres to it strictly, removing voice of the child
Method II - Parent tries to enforce what goes, but ends up always giving into the child, creating no sense of respect / order
Method III - "Hey, I have a problem. Can we talk about ______ and how we could figure this out?" Do not judge,, allow all possible solutions to be presented and agree on one together.
Three main techniques:
Active Listening
When a child presents a problem/concern/expresses something at all, echo back to them what you hear they are FEELING (not just parrot back what they say), no judgement, evaluation, lecture, etc. Just LISTEN and echo back what they say, allowing them to own the problem and come to their own solution. Do not worry if in one listening session a problem is not reached - it is not your problem to solve.
I Messages
"I feel ______ when _______ because."
I feel upset when you push your brother because he gets hurt and I feel bad when I see someone bigger pushing someone littler than them.
(Instead of "YOU" messages which make the child feel "bad" and drive them away from you)
"Method III" collaborative problem solving
Method I - Parent decides what goes, adheres to it strictly, removing voice of the child
Method II - Parent tries to enforce what goes, but ends up always giving into the child, creating no sense of respect / order
Method III - "Hey, I have a problem. Can we talk about ______ and how we could figure this out?" Do not judge,, allow all possible solutions to be presented and agree on one together.
April 19, 2018
This book is very helpful not only for parenting and child rearing, but also for improving interpersonal relations in general. Engaging in active listening, avoiding blaming others with "you" messages and focusing on "I" messages, and participating in "no-lose" conflict resolution will make one a happier and more cooperative individual. The techniques illustrated in P.E.T. helped me become a better person after I first read the book when I was in my twenties.
July 6, 2008
I'm not sure about this one. I think the main methods outlined: Active Listening, using I-messages,and finding solutions together with your children instead of imposing them from above, are good in theory, and I've been using all three. However, the author never really addresses the two issues I grapple with most often: 1. the moment-by-moment corrections of things that aren't a huge deal,but are important (please don't drag that furniture across the floor, could you do that in the potty instead, etc.) and 2. how to apply these consistently with a toddler. Sure, I-messages are all well and good, but my two-year-old doesn't care that it makes me feel frustrated when he smears his sticky hands on my clothes or that it makes his sister cry when he throws his truck at her. I do think that it makes our 6 year old feel empowered and more likely to stick with a solution when she helped to find it. The toddler may have to grow into that.
May 11, 2013
Absolutely the best parenting book I've read. It's already had the biggest impact on our lives of any parenting book I've read. And it seems to be the book that all my favorites were based on. Are you a fan of Playful Parenting, Unconditional Parenting, Siblings Without Rivalry, or Raising our Children Raising Ourselves? You'll love this book. Actually if you want to learn specific techniques for parenting and are open to why the traditional model isn't working, you'll love this book. Actually even if you're not... You may love this book.
I've read a lot of parenting books. This is hands down the best. I have more direction and security in my parenting than ever. Please read it. It might save your family's lives! I mean ask yourself this: do you want growing resentment to build between you and your child until they check out from you as teens and can't wait to get away and disregard everything you've said as adults? Or do you want a close, meaningful relationship with them where your guidance continues to be of value to them into adulthood? Do you want anger, hostility, threats, guilt, fear, rebellion to be the big players in your household? Or do you want to be able to express your limits calmly and have them be heard and your child actually care about how you're impacted and modify their own behavior because they care? Read this book.
I think my family is finally on the road to happier interactions, loving connection, and mutual respect. Why did I wait so long to read this? I'm for sure going to read it again ASAP. I really want its lessons to stick.
I want to note that this book is best read before the teen years, actually the earlier the better, and it might be able to help in the teen years too. Many mistakenly believe that the material is only useful with teens because of developed reasoning skills. Actually even small children have more of this ability than we give them credit for. And teens may be too far gone with your existing methods to accept that things could be different. It's worth a shot with teens, certainly, but please don't intentionally put off reading this till then because you think your kid won't be able to get it all.
I have mixed feelings thinking about how long this book has been around. I wish I'd read it before my kids left infancy for one. But I mean, it's been 40 years! How has the world ignored it this long? Gosh we could have had a couple of generations of amazing people come out of this by now. Not to mention what impact it could have had on my upbringing. Gah!! If only my parents had read it!
Finished March 18 2013, starting again in May 3013.
I've read a lot of parenting books. This is hands down the best. I have more direction and security in my parenting than ever. Please read it. It might save your family's lives! I mean ask yourself this: do you want growing resentment to build between you and your child until they check out from you as teens and can't wait to get away and disregard everything you've said as adults? Or do you want a close, meaningful relationship with them where your guidance continues to be of value to them into adulthood? Do you want anger, hostility, threats, guilt, fear, rebellion to be the big players in your household? Or do you want to be able to express your limits calmly and have them be heard and your child actually care about how you're impacted and modify their own behavior because they care? Read this book.
I think my family is finally on the road to happier interactions, loving connection, and mutual respect. Why did I wait so long to read this? I'm for sure going to read it again ASAP. I really want its lessons to stick.
I want to note that this book is best read before the teen years, actually the earlier the better, and it might be able to help in the teen years too. Many mistakenly believe that the material is only useful with teens because of developed reasoning skills. Actually even small children have more of this ability than we give them credit for. And teens may be too far gone with your existing methods to accept that things could be different. It's worth a shot with teens, certainly, but please don't intentionally put off reading this till then because you think your kid won't be able to get it all.
I have mixed feelings thinking about how long this book has been around. I wish I'd read it before my kids left infancy for one. But I mean, it's been 40 years! How has the world ignored it this long? Gosh we could have had a couple of generations of amazing people come out of this by now. Not to mention what impact it could have had on my upbringing. Gah!! If only my parents had read it!
Finished March 18 2013, starting again in May 3013.
March 11, 2014
I had touted Love and Logic parenting for a long time... but then I realized I couldn't implement it effectively, lovingly and in a way where I felt I was being respectful of my children as individuals. I always felt like I was manipulating circumstances and making up natural consequences to make a point. I also didn't like it when they were old enough to turn it around on me or attempt it (incorrectly) on each other (e.g., "Hey, sis, do you want to play with me or do you want me to throw my shoe at you?")
I am deeply grateful, however, for all L&L taught me about discipline, boundaries and the importance of cultivating responsibility in kids.
Now... about THIS book. I. Love. It. I can communicate honestly with my children, I am called to respect their needs and feelings, and am charged with making sure my own needs are addressed as well. The communication strategies are essentially the Golden Rule, and if my children model my ideal behavior (speaking in "I" statements, trying to achieve a "win-win" when there is conflict, listening effectively), we will all be the better for it. I am allowed to be frustrated and express that appropriately. I am not a referee when the kids have a problem... recently, after implementing PET, I have watched fascinated as they solved a problem on their own after all I said was simply, "Just talk to each other and work it out, please."
Whether or not you struggle with your temper or your kids behaving appropriately, this is a wonderful book on communication that will help you in your relationship with your children, and adults as well.
I am deeply grateful, however, for all L&L taught me about discipline, boundaries and the importance of cultivating responsibility in kids.
Now... about THIS book. I. Love. It. I can communicate honestly with my children, I am called to respect their needs and feelings, and am charged with making sure my own needs are addressed as well. The communication strategies are essentially the Golden Rule, and if my children model my ideal behavior (speaking in "I" statements, trying to achieve a "win-win" when there is conflict, listening effectively), we will all be the better for it. I am allowed to be frustrated and express that appropriately. I am not a referee when the kids have a problem... recently, after implementing PET, I have watched fascinated as they solved a problem on their own after all I said was simply, "Just talk to each other and work it out, please."
Whether or not you struggle with your temper or your kids behaving appropriately, this is a wonderful book on communication that will help you in your relationship with your children, and adults as well.
April 26, 2011
Although this is a book about parenting, I recommend it to you if you're interested in improving your relationships with everyone.
The premise of the book is that some parents use their power to control their children, while other parents, in order to be liked by their kids or to keep the peace, allow their children to do whatever they want at the expense of their own needs. The author details these scenarios and then offers a third possibility, one in which situations are resolved in ways that meet the needs of all. He encourages cooperation in finding these solutions.
I believe that the meat and potatoes of this method are really to be found in the PET workshops that are given from time to time. You can do a search and find out when and where they will be held, and you can get on their mailing list to get newsletters. I am on that, and I can tell you that they don't flood my mailbox. I'd love to go to a workshop, but for the time being, I have gotten sufficient guidance from this book to improve my relationships with my children. I have two kids under the age of three, so I'm happy to have read PET while they're so little. It seems like it would be hard to incorporate this parenting style once a power struggle is deeply entrenched, although I believe it is worth it to try if you're in that boat. The author addresses that at length. I notice that the technique of Active Listening has been effective with my son when he's upset.
The author believes that children are not given nearly enough opportunities to be responsible. I have to say that, as a parent, I am nervous about trusting my kids in the way he asks me to, and I'm sure that that's because I am enculturated to feel this way. It's going to take a major shift in my thinking, but because I want the best for my children, I am going to give the PET approach a chance, in baby steps.
The premise of the book is that some parents use their power to control their children, while other parents, in order to be liked by their kids or to keep the peace, allow their children to do whatever they want at the expense of their own needs. The author details these scenarios and then offers a third possibility, one in which situations are resolved in ways that meet the needs of all. He encourages cooperation in finding these solutions.
I believe that the meat and potatoes of this method are really to be found in the PET workshops that are given from time to time. You can do a search and find out when and where they will be held, and you can get on their mailing list to get newsletters. I am on that, and I can tell you that they don't flood my mailbox. I'd love to go to a workshop, but for the time being, I have gotten sufficient guidance from this book to improve my relationships with my children. I have two kids under the age of three, so I'm happy to have read PET while they're so little. It seems like it would be hard to incorporate this parenting style once a power struggle is deeply entrenched, although I believe it is worth it to try if you're in that boat. The author addresses that at length. I notice that the technique of Active Listening has been effective with my son when he's upset.
The author believes that children are not given nearly enough opportunities to be responsible. I have to say that, as a parent, I am nervous about trusting my kids in the way he asks me to, and I'm sure that that's because I am enculturated to feel this way. It's going to take a major shift in my thinking, but because I want the best for my children, I am going to give the PET approach a chance, in baby steps.
July 24, 2017
I am not a parent myself but this was an excellent book, that made me improve my communication not only with children but with any other human beeing.
There are three things that are really well explained:
1. reacting to conflict and to child's problem by active listening
2. reacting to conflict and misbehavior with "I feel statement"
3. cooperative conflict solution
It is such a good book that I summarized it here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E...
There are three things that are really well explained:
1. reacting to conflict and to child's problem by active listening
2. reacting to conflict and misbehavior with "I feel statement"
3. cooperative conflict solution
It is such a good book that I summarized it here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E...
April 6, 2016
Read this book many years ago and was thinking of it today. One of the best books I have ever read and as another reviewer said it is life-changing. This book is not really just for parenting, it is for anyone who interacts with other human beings on a regular basis and wants to improve communication in their relationships. I was deeply saddened when Dr. Gordon passed away. Now here's someone that really deserved a nobel peace prize.
"Dr. Thomas Gordon (March 11, 1918 – August 26, 2002) was an American clinical psychologist and colleague of Carl Rogers. He is widely recognized as a pioneer in teaching communication skills and conflict resolution methods to parents, teachers, leaders, women, youth and salespeople. The model he developed came to known as the Gordon Model or the Gordon Method, a complete and integrated system for building and maintaining effective relationships.
Gordon strongly believed that the use of coercive power damages relationships. As an alternative, he taught people skills for communicating and resolving conflicts that they can use to establish or improve good relationships at home, school and at work. These skills, which include active listening, I-messages and No-Lose Conflict Resolution, are now widely known and used by people around the world.
In recognition of his contributions to the betterment of humanity, Dr. Gordon was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1997, 1998 and 1999. In addition, both the American Psychological Foundation and the California Psychological Association presented him with lifetime achievement awards. Gordon Training International in Solana Beach, California, the company he founded in 1974, continues his work." (from Wiki)
"Dr. Thomas Gordon (March 11, 1918 – August 26, 2002) was an American clinical psychologist and colleague of Carl Rogers. He is widely recognized as a pioneer in teaching communication skills and conflict resolution methods to parents, teachers, leaders, women, youth and salespeople. The model he developed came to known as the Gordon Model or the Gordon Method, a complete and integrated system for building and maintaining effective relationships.
Gordon strongly believed that the use of coercive power damages relationships. As an alternative, he taught people skills for communicating and resolving conflicts that they can use to establish or improve good relationships at home, school and at work. These skills, which include active listening, I-messages and No-Lose Conflict Resolution, are now widely known and used by people around the world.
In recognition of his contributions to the betterment of humanity, Dr. Gordon was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1997, 1998 and 1999. In addition, both the American Psychological Foundation and the California Psychological Association presented him with lifetime achievement awards. Gordon Training International in Solana Beach, California, the company he founded in 1974, continues his work." (from Wiki)
June 22, 2022
This book has one very important idea that really works. Once you get the concept, it seems like the author drones on and on about it. TLDR; this could be a three chapter book. I highly recommend reading the first couple of chapters and skimming until you find parts you want to read. The examples throughout are very worthy.
The P.E.T. technique has really revolutionized the relationship between me and my child.
Warning, the intro makes it sound like this book promote permissive parenting. Don't be put off by that!
ESSENTIAL reading if you find yourself nagging your children often. ;)
The P.E.T. technique has really revolutionized the relationship between me and my child.
Warning, the intro makes it sound like this book promote permissive parenting. Don't be put off by that!
ESSENTIAL reading if you find yourself nagging your children often. ;)
July 15, 2020
Ένα πολύ βοηθητικό βιβλίο γονεϊκότητας. Οι βασικές μέθοδοι όπως η Ενεργητική Ακρόαση, τα Μηνύματα - Εγώ, και η Επίλυση συγκρούσεων με κοινή συμφωνία από το παιδί και τον γονέα δίνουν τροφή για σκέψη και πρακτικές εναλλακτικές που μπορείς να δοκιμάσεις και ο ίδιος. Πολλά σημεία ήταν πολύ διαφωτιστικα για τον τρόπο που μπορεί να σκέφτομαι σαν γονέας και πότε, πράγματι, το πρόβλημα αποτελεί δικό μου πρόβλημα ή πρόβλημα του παιδιού μου, τις ηθικές αξίες και την ειλικρινή αποδοχή.
Από την άλλη, ορισμένες μέθοδοι ειναι μη ρεαλιστικές και σίγουρα όχι πάντα ικανές να επιλύσουν ζητήματα συγκρούσεων όταν μιλάμε για νήπια που κλαίνε επειδή το τοστ είναι κομμένο διαγώνια και όχι σε λωρίδες (#truestory) 😩
Ενα καλό βιβλίο γονεϊκότητας, για μένα, δεν θα πρέπει να δίνει μόνο πρακτικές λύσεις στα καθημερινά προβλήματα αλλά και να σε προβληματίζει για την στάση σου ως γονέας, την γονική εξουσία, το πως στέκεσαι απέναντι στο παιδί σου. Και αυτό το έκανε!
Από την άλλη, ορισμένες μέθοδοι ειναι μη ρεαλιστικές και σίγουρα όχι πάντα ικανές να επιλύσουν ζητήματα συγκρούσεων όταν μιλάμε για νήπια που κλαίνε επειδή το τοστ είναι κομμένο διαγώνια και όχι σε λωρίδες (#truestory) 😩
Ενα καλό βιβλίο γονεϊκότητας, για μένα, δεν θα πρέπει να δίνει μόνο πρακτικές λύσεις στα καθημερινά προβλήματα αλλά και να σε προβληματίζει για την στάση σου ως γονέας, την γονική εξουσία, το πως στέκεσαι απέναντι στο παιδί σου. Και αυτό το έκανε!
April 16, 2014
Cartea a reusit sa depaseasca toate limitele tolerantei mele. Da, inca o carte care m-a scos din sarite, de data aceasta insa, de pe un alt palier.
1. Autorul prezinta toate banalitatile pe care le stie oricine in straie atat de colorate, incat ai putea crede ca el a inventat pana si regula de a stinge becul inainte de culcare. Da, domnule Gordon, stim ca un copil are nevoie si de jucarii pentru a se juca. "Daca vrea sa se joace cu o revista pe care vrei sa o pastrezi, da-i una pe care nu vrei sa o pastrezi!". Serios???
2. Ascultarea activa este o solutie grozava pentru oligofreni: "Copilul: Tati, ma doare capul! Tata: Crezi ca te doare capul. Copilul: Da, asa este. Tata: Crezi ca asa este". Cum sa iti tratezi asa copilul si cum sa te tratezi asa pe tine? Nu m-ar mira daca la un moment dat copilul iti arunca cu ceva in cap pentru ca repeti ca un papagal dupa el. Nu stiu ce inteligenta ar trebui sa aibe copilul ca sa reactioneze pozitiv la un astfel de tratament. :)
3. Individul ia in considerare exclusiv familia americana de astazi. Am
impresia ca tocmai am asistat la o coferinta tinuta la McDonald's. Nu are prea mult de-a face cu familia mea (mai putin in privinta banalitatilor de mai sus).
4. Cand iti e lumea mai draga te ataca din toate partile zgomotul
asurzitor al slujbei de duminica. Tipul a fost cu siguranta ceva
evanghelist, martor de-al lui Iehova etc. Nu am nimic cu libertatea
religioasa, dar, daca tot imi iau masa la McDonald's nu mai am chef si de predici.
5. Gordon nu crede in ceretari. Nu isi sustine astfel, "metodele". E doar o lunga vorbarie goala. Adica, daca da un exemplu de un copil care si-a rezolvat problemele, e clar ca aceste probleme au fost rezolvate datorita teoriilor lui! :)))) Pai, bine mai tata, dar un argument, o dovada, o ceva acolo, cat de mic, ca teoria matale a fost aplicata, nu ne dai si noua?
6. Programul se numeste P.E.T. Hmmmm!! Si zici ca e o diferenta intre
educatie si dresaj... Cu alte cuvinte: iti place ca pisica si catelul sa stea cuminti jos, nu pe canapea, si sa faca la litiera frumos, cand trebuie? Ei bine, ai in fata cartea care te invata cum sa-ti faci copilul sa fie ca un amabil, dragut si colaborant animal de companie. Maxim! Ce parinte intreg la cap nu si-a dorit vreodata ca progenitura sa atinga nivelul de pisica molateca care asculta tot ce-i spui, nu?
7. Cele cateva observatii destepte despre educatia prin pedepse si
recompense nu mai au nici o valoare atunci cand incepe ploaia de discutii intre parinti si copii cu IQ-uri intre 15 si 45.
8. Attachment Parentingul este, cu siguranta, cea mai lejera, mai la
indemnana forma de parenting. Cere cele mai putine eforturi si pare cea
mai naturala. Pana acum am fost intru totul de acord cu ea. Acum, dupa ce ii vad propovaduitorii, nu mai sunt la fel de sigur. Pare ca toti cei care scriu AP si-au pierdut demult discernamantul si orice urma de gandire critica.
Mai, Thomas Gordon a avut un succes nebun cu teoriile lui, care mie imi par cel putin dubioase, in SUA. Fapt care nu ma mira pentru ca tot americanii cred si in ineptiile sustinute de scientologie, deci, totul se leaga. Americanii se tot plang ca au copii narozi, ca sistemul de invatamant si educatie nu functioneaza, ca viitorul lor arata gri spre negru si ca sunt nevoiti sa-si caute specialisti in afara granitelor lor. Pai, fratilor, daca sistemul lui Gordon vi se pare suficient de rational incat sa-l bagati in scoli si sa-l transformati intr-un program la nivel national, va mai mira ca plozii vostrii sunt praf si ca nu sunt in stare sa faca nimic de unii singuri? Asta este stadiul pe care o maimuta dresata il poate atinge, dragilor. Cativa ani de repetitie constanta a ceea ce spune el, nu duc deloc la dezvoltarea unui simt critic si constructiv, ba dimpotriva. Fara o discutie activa in care sa-l faci pe copil sa-si puna intrebari, sa-l confrunti cu dilemele din viata sa facand apel la intelepciunea ta de om matur (intelepciune pe care americanii se pare ca tin la naftalina, daca apeleaza la trucuri precum cele de mai sus), atunci la ce poti sa te astepti de la copilul tau?
P.E.T. de Thomas Gordon este cartea ideala daca vrei sa-ti transformi copilul intr-un animal de casa. E primul pas inainte de a cumpara o lesa, zgarda si litiera.
1. Autorul prezinta toate banalitatile pe care le stie oricine in straie atat de colorate, incat ai putea crede ca el a inventat pana si regula de a stinge becul inainte de culcare. Da, domnule Gordon, stim ca un copil are nevoie si de jucarii pentru a se juca. "Daca vrea sa se joace cu o revista pe care vrei sa o pastrezi, da-i una pe care nu vrei sa o pastrezi!". Serios???
2. Ascultarea activa este o solutie grozava pentru oligofreni: "Copilul: Tati, ma doare capul! Tata: Crezi ca te doare capul. Copilul: Da, asa este. Tata: Crezi ca asa este". Cum sa iti tratezi asa copilul si cum sa te tratezi asa pe tine? Nu m-ar mira daca la un moment dat copilul iti arunca cu ceva in cap pentru ca repeti ca un papagal dupa el. Nu stiu ce inteligenta ar trebui sa aibe copilul ca sa reactioneze pozitiv la un astfel de tratament. :)
3. Individul ia in considerare exclusiv familia americana de astazi. Am
impresia ca tocmai am asistat la o coferinta tinuta la McDonald's. Nu are prea mult de-a face cu familia mea (mai putin in privinta banalitatilor de mai sus).
4. Cand iti e lumea mai draga te ataca din toate partile zgomotul
asurzitor al slujbei de duminica. Tipul a fost cu siguranta ceva
evanghelist, martor de-al lui Iehova etc. Nu am nimic cu libertatea
religioasa, dar, daca tot imi iau masa la McDonald's nu mai am chef si de predici.
5. Gordon nu crede in ceretari. Nu isi sustine astfel, "metodele". E doar o lunga vorbarie goala. Adica, daca da un exemplu de un copil care si-a rezolvat problemele, e clar ca aceste probleme au fost rezolvate datorita teoriilor lui! :)))) Pai, bine mai tata, dar un argument, o dovada, o ceva acolo, cat de mic, ca teoria matale a fost aplicata, nu ne dai si noua?
6. Programul se numeste P.E.T. Hmmmm!! Si zici ca e o diferenta intre
educatie si dresaj... Cu alte cuvinte: iti place ca pisica si catelul sa stea cuminti jos, nu pe canapea, si sa faca la litiera frumos, cand trebuie? Ei bine, ai in fata cartea care te invata cum sa-ti faci copilul sa fie ca un amabil, dragut si colaborant animal de companie. Maxim! Ce parinte intreg la cap nu si-a dorit vreodata ca progenitura sa atinga nivelul de pisica molateca care asculta tot ce-i spui, nu?
7. Cele cateva observatii destepte despre educatia prin pedepse si
recompense nu mai au nici o valoare atunci cand incepe ploaia de discutii intre parinti si copii cu IQ-uri intre 15 si 45.
8. Attachment Parentingul este, cu siguranta, cea mai lejera, mai la
indemnana forma de parenting. Cere cele mai putine eforturi si pare cea
mai naturala. Pana acum am fost intru totul de acord cu ea. Acum, dupa ce ii vad propovaduitorii, nu mai sunt la fel de sigur. Pare ca toti cei care scriu AP si-au pierdut demult discernamantul si orice urma de gandire critica.
Mai, Thomas Gordon a avut un succes nebun cu teoriile lui, care mie imi par cel putin dubioase, in SUA. Fapt care nu ma mira pentru ca tot americanii cred si in ineptiile sustinute de scientologie, deci, totul se leaga. Americanii se tot plang ca au copii narozi, ca sistemul de invatamant si educatie nu functioneaza, ca viitorul lor arata gri spre negru si ca sunt nevoiti sa-si caute specialisti in afara granitelor lor. Pai, fratilor, daca sistemul lui Gordon vi se pare suficient de rational incat sa-l bagati in scoli si sa-l transformati intr-un program la nivel national, va mai mira ca plozii vostrii sunt praf si ca nu sunt in stare sa faca nimic de unii singuri? Asta este stadiul pe care o maimuta dresata il poate atinge, dragilor. Cativa ani de repetitie constanta a ceea ce spune el, nu duc deloc la dezvoltarea unui simt critic si constructiv, ba dimpotriva. Fara o discutie activa in care sa-l faci pe copil sa-si puna intrebari, sa-l confrunti cu dilemele din viata sa facand apel la intelepciunea ta de om matur (intelepciune pe care americanii se pare ca tin la naftalina, daca apeleaza la trucuri precum cele de mai sus), atunci la ce poti sa te astepti de la copilul tau?
P.E.T. de Thomas Gordon este cartea ideala daca vrei sa-ti transformi copilul intr-un animal de casa. E primul pas inainte de a cumpara o lesa, zgarda si litiera.
June 7, 2015
I wish again that I could give half-stars to my reviews.
This book is very out of date. I think that there may be a revised edition, but it wasn't available at my library. Using a public phone booth stopped costing a dime before I was born, for example. The outdated examples made it difficult to pay attention to the content, because I was too busy rolling my eyes at the book.
The basic principles are sound. Active listening and being empathetic with your child are very good tools to connect with your children and avoid or end behaviour you find unacceptable. There are more recent books that articulate these methods better and have more emphasis on connectedness and empathy.
I wish I knew who all these well-spoken, articulate children are that so many authors of parenting books seem to know. This isn't the only book in which the sample dialogues have children speaking in artificial, stilted ways, and being able to reason their way to a solution (by themselves!) within three or four sentences, even when they're three years old. I'm not an expert, but I've never met a child who speaks the way these children do, not even the really precocious children I've met.
This book is very out of date. I think that there may be a revised edition, but it wasn't available at my library. Using a public phone booth stopped costing a dime before I was born, for example. The outdated examples made it difficult to pay attention to the content, because I was too busy rolling my eyes at the book.
The basic principles are sound. Active listening and being empathetic with your child are very good tools to connect with your children and avoid or end behaviour you find unacceptable. There are more recent books that articulate these methods better and have more emphasis on connectedness and empathy.
I wish I knew who all these well-spoken, articulate children are that so many authors of parenting books seem to know. This isn't the only book in which the sample dialogues have children speaking in artificial, stilted ways, and being able to reason their way to a solution (by themselves!) within three or four sentences, even when they're three years old. I'm not an expert, but I've never met a child who speaks the way these children do, not even the really precocious children I've met.
May 23, 2017
De citit. De catre parinti, de catre profesori. De citit periodic, din cand in cand, anual, trimestrial, cum vreti voi. O carte la care trebuie sa te intorci si sa reflectezi. Poate fi un manual. Luati din ea ce rezoneaza cu voi si cu familia voastra. Meditati asupra unor idei, incercati sa le faceti loc in cotidianul vostru. A fi parinte e o meserie. Unii parinti nu o invata de la nimeni, altii o invata gresit. De aici incepi sa fii un parinte bun: sa recunosti ca si asta se invata. Apoi sa admiti ca generatiile se schimba. Nici noi nu suntem asemeni parintilor nostri si ne-ar fi greu acum sa le ascultam muzica veche, romante spre exemplu, sa ne imbracam cu hainele lor, sa rezolvam lucrurile asa ca ei. Nu le stim pe toate si mai ales nu avem dreptate intotdeauna. Iar daca avem dreptate, s-ar putea ca punctul nostru de vedere sa nu fie si solutia acceptata de copii.
May 31, 2024
This 300-page books is about 15 pages of content, 15 pages of relevant examples, and 270 pages of talking about how great it is. The content is good, though, and basically boils down to:
1) Actively listening to your kids in a very specific way: repeatedly confirm what you're hearing them say, so that they know they're heard. Then they keep talking. "I don't like going to X class because the people aren't nice there." "You'd like it better if people treated you nicely there." "Yes, and..." This sounds goofy but is effective.
2) I-statements vs You-statements: "I find it hard to work in a loud house" vs "You're being loud"
3) Find mutually acceptable solutions to problems by involving both sides, rather than enforcing parental power
So, I guess you don't have to read the book now. Or you can, but skim lots of it.
1) Actively listening to your kids in a very specific way: repeatedly confirm what you're hearing them say, so that they know they're heard. Then they keep talking. "I don't like going to X class because the people aren't nice there." "You'd like it better if people treated you nicely there." "Yes, and..." This sounds goofy but is effective.
2) I-statements vs You-statements: "I find it hard to work in a loud house" vs "You're being loud"
3) Find mutually acceptable solutions to problems by involving both sides, rather than enforcing parental power
So, I guess you don't have to read the book now. Or you can, but skim lots of it.
February 3, 2016
I found active listening, I-messages, and no-lose conflict resolution to be very useful concepts and I think I'll get a lot from this book on that front, but I felt like the book itself was about twice (or more) as long as it needed to be, very repetitive, and very...I don't know, borderline-infomercialish in terms of the way Gordon promoted his perspective. So it was a bit of a slog on that level. And all of the proclamation about the tendencies "today's youths" just made me roll my eyes, because it's the kind of overgeneralized writing I see a lot of in the freshman-level college writing class I teach - my students learn to write better by the end of the class :)
November 3, 2022
Wow, it took me over a year to finally get myself through this book, even though the entire time I was reading it, I felt like it was excellent and worthwhile. I have very extensive highlighting throughout the book, but tl;dr I think if people were only going to read one parenting book ever, it should be this one.
===================================
Ch2: Parents are persons, not Gods
* When a child receives "mixed messages," she may begin to have grave doubts about the honesty or genuineness of her parent. She learns from many experiences that her mother often says one thing when she feels another. Eventually the child grows to distrust such a parent.
* In a relationship as close and enduring as the parent-child relationship, the parent's true feelings seldom can be hidden from the child.
* Parents need to understand that they had better not try to extend their area of acceptance beyond what their true attitudes are. Far better for parents to realize when they are not feeling accepting and not pretend that they are.
* Whether a child feels that she as a person is unaccepted will be determined by how many of her behaviors are unacceptable. Parents who find unacceptable a great many things that their children do or say will inevitably foster in these children a deep feeling that they are unacceptable as persons. Conversely, parents who are accepting of a great many things their children do or say will produce children who are more likely to feel acceptable as persons.
* Parents are people, not gods. They do not have to act unconditionally accepting, or even consistently accepting. Neither should they pretend to be accepting when they are not. While children undoubtedly prefer to be accepted, they can constructively handle their parent's unaccepting feelings when parents send clear and honest messages that match their true feelings. Not only will this make it easier for children to cope, but it will help each child to see her parent as a real person--transparent, human, someone with whom she would like to have a relationship.
* Many parents fall into the trap of assuming responsibility for solving problems that their children own, rather than encouraging them to solve their problems themselves.
Ch3: How to Listen So Kids Will Talk to You: The Language of Acceptance
* nonintervention to show acceptance: keeping hands off when a child is engaged in some activity is a strong nonverbal way of communicating acceptance. Many parents fail to realize how frequently they communicate nonacceptance to their children simply by interfering, intruding, moving in, checking up, joining in. Too often adults do not let children just be. They invade the privacy of their rooms, or move into their own personal and private thoughts, refusing to permit them a separateness. Often this is the result of parental fears and anxieties, their own feelings of insecurity.
* In Active Listening, the receiver tries to understand what it is the sender is feeling or what his message means. Then he puts his understanding into his own words (code) and feeds it back for the sender's verification. The receiver *does not* send a message of his own--such as an evaluation, opinion, advice, logic, analysis, or question. He feeds back only what he feels the sender's message meant--nothing more, nothing less.
* active listening requires certain attitudes, or else it will sound mechanical and insincere: willing to take the time to listen, want to be helpful, be able to accept the feelings, trust in the child's capacity to handle their feelings, appreciate that feelings are transitory and not permanent, and see your child as someone separate from you
Ch4: Putting your active listening skill to work
* Unusually coded messages that children send, particularly questions, often mean that the child is coping with a deeper problem. Active Listening provides parents with a way of moving in and offering to help the child define the problem for herself, and starting up the process of problem-solving within the child. Giving direct answers to these feelings-coded-as-questions almost invariably results in the parent's muffing an opportunity to be an effective counselor on the real problem the child is grappling with.
* When parents complain that their kids never talk about serious problems at home, it usually turns out that such problems have been tentatively and hesitatingly tossed out on the table by their kids, but the parents went into the traditional routines: admonishing, preaching, moralizing, teaching, evaluating, judging, sarcasm, or diverting. Slowly, then, kids start pulling down the curtain that forever will separate their own minds from the parents' minds. No wonder there is such alienation between parents and children.
Ch6: how to talk to kids will listen
* [Adults] assume that a friend has brains enough to find his own solution to your problem once he is told what the problem is. An adult would simply tell the friend her feelings.
* Children will be much more likely to change their unacceptable behavior if their parents send I-Messages containing these three parts: 1) a description of the unacceptable behavior, 2) the parent’s feeling, and 3) the tangible and concrete effect the behavior has on the parent. [behavior + feeling + effect]
Ch7: putting i-messages to work
* Parents learn in PET that if they frequently vent angry You-Messages, they had better hold a mirror up to themselves and ask, “What is going on inside me?” “What needs of mine are being threatened by my child’s behavior?”
* Children, not unlike adults, often don’t know how their behavior affects others. In the pursuit of their own goals they are often totally unaware of the impact their behavior might have. Once they are told, they usually want to be more considerate. Thoughtlessness frequently turns into thoughtfulness, once a child understands the impact of his behavior on others.
* Adults often underestimate the willingness of kids to be considerate of adults’ needs, once they are honestly and straightforwardly told how others feel. Kids can be responsive and responsible, if only grown-ups take a moment to level with them.
* Positive I-Messages are not likely to be interpreted as manipulative and controlling the way praise usually is as long as these two conditions are met:
The parent is not consciously trying to use the messages to influence the child to repeat the desired behavior (to modify the child’s future behavior).
The message is simply a vehicle for communicating a spontaneously experienced temporary feeling–that is, the feeling is genuine and real, as well as here and now.
Ch9: inevitable parent-child conflicts: who should win?
* it would be a rare relationship if over a period of time one person’s needs did not conflict with the other’s. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently, or have different needs and wants that sometimes do not match. Conflict, therefore, is not necessarily bad–it exists as a reality of any relationship. As a matter of fact, a relationship with no apparent conflict may be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict.
* This is the critical factor in any relationship: how the conflicts get resolved, not how many conflicts occur.
* “I am permissive with my children until I can’t stand them. Then I become strongly authoritarian until I can’t stand myself.”
Ch10: Parental Power: Necessary and Justified?
* Parents assume that adolescent rebellion and hostility are inevitably a function of this stage of development. I think this is not valid–it is more that adolescents become more able to resist and rebel.
* An adolescent, therefore, does not rebel against her parents. She rebels against their power. If parents would rely less on power and more on nonpower methods to influence their children from infancy on, there would be little for children to rebel against when they become adolescents. The use of power to change the behavior of children, then, has this severe limitation: parents inevitably run out of power, and sooner than they think.
* What children have a right to expect, however, is that they always be told when their parents are not feeling accepting of a certain behavior…This is quite different from wanting parents to use authority to set limits on their behavior.
* when parents ask, “Isn’t it my responsibility to use my power to influence my child?” they reveal a common misunderstanding about the effectiveness of power as a way of influencing their children. Parental power does not really “influence” children; it forces them to behave in prescribed ways. Power does not “influence in the sense of persuading, convincing, educating, or motivating a child to behave in a particular way. Rather, power compels or prevents behavior. Compelled or prevented by someone with superior power, a child is not really persuaded. As a matter of fact, she will generally return to her former ways as soon as the authority or power is removed because her own needs and desires remain unchanged. Frequently she will also be determined to get back at her parent for the frustration of those needs as well as the humiliation inflicted on her. Therefore, power actually empowers its own victims, creates its own opposition, fosters its own destruction.
Ch12: parents’ fears and concerns about the “no-lose” method
* Parents have to be helped to grasp the fundamental difference between Method II and Method III. They need repeated reminders that in Method III, they too must get their needs met; they too must accept the ultimate solution. If they feel they have given in to a child, then they have used Method II, not Method III.
* We do not equate Method III with the term “compromise” in the sense of accepting less than you want, because it is our experience that its solutions almost always bring more to both parent and child than either expected.
* How can anyone refute the idea that parents are wiser and more experienced than children? It seems to be such a self-evident truth. Yet, when we ask parents in our classes, whether their own parents made unwise Method I decisions, they all say, “Yes.” How easy it is for parents to forget their own experiences as children!
* “Parents have superior wisdom” No, not about many things concerning their children. Parents do have much valuable wisdom and experience, and that wisdom and experience need never be buried. Many parents in P.E.T. overlook at first the point that the wisdom of both the parent and the child is mobilized by the no-lose method. Neither is left out of problem-solving (in contrast to Method I, which ignores a child’s wisdom, or Method II, which ignores the wisdom of parents).
Ch13: putting the “no-lose” method to work
* In the no-lose method, parents would simply assume that the kids will carry out the decision. That is part of the new method–trust in each other, trust in keeping to commitments, sticking to promises, holding up one’s end of the bargain. Any talk about penalties and punishments is bound to communicate distrust, doubt, suspicion, pessimism. This is not to say that kids will always stick to their agreement. They won’t. It says merely that parents should assume that they will. “Innocent until proven guilty” or “responsible until proven irresponsible” is the philosophy we recommend.
ch14: how to avoid being fired as a parent
* Parents get fired by their kids when they hassle and harangue them to change cherished beliefs and values. Adolescents dismiss their parents when they feel they are being denied their basic civil rights. Parents lose their opportunity to have a constructive influence on their children by too desperately and too persistently trying to influence them where kids are the most eager to determine their own beliefs and their own destiny.
* When children strongly resist attempts to modify behavior that they feel won’t interfere with the parents’ needs, their behavior is no different from that of adults. No adult wants to modify her behavior when she is convinced that it is not hurting someone else. Adults as well as children will fight vigorously to maintain their freedom when they feel someone is pushing them to change behavior that is not interfering with the other person. This is one of the most serious mistakes parents make and one of the most frequent reasons for their ineffectiveness. If parents would limit their attempts to modify behavior to what interferes with the parents' needs, there would be far less rebellion, fewer conflicts, and fewer parent child relationships that go sour. Most parents unwisely criticize, cajole, and harass their children to modify behaviors I have no tangible or concrete effect on the parent. In defense, children fight back, resist, rebel, or breakaway.
* Much of the rebellion of today's adolescents can be attributed to parents and other adults who put pressure on them to modify behavior that the kids feel is their own business. Children do not rebel against adults–they rebel against the adults' attempts to take away their freedom. They rebel against efforts to change them or mold them in the adults’ image, against adults’ harassment, against adults’ forcing them to act according to what the adults think is right or wrong.
* This might not have been the outcome in another family in the same circumstances. The point is, the child must accept the logic that her behavior is having a tangible and concrete effect on the parent. Only then will she be willing to enter into no-lose problem solving. The lesson for parents is that they had better be able to make a good case for some particular behavior having a tangible or concrete effect on their lives, or the child may not be willing to negotiate.
* Libertarian parenting! – Granting children civil rights or certain inalienable freedoms presupposes viewing children as separate human beings or independent persons, having a life of their own. Not many parents see their children this way when they first learn P.E.T. They have difficulty accepting the principle of allowing their children freedom to become what they want to become, provided their behavior does not tangibly and concretely interfere with the parents becoming what he or she wants to become.
* Is it even possible to impose values on another healthy person by power and authority? I think not. More likely, the result is that those whose minds one wishes to influence or resist even more strongly such domination, often defending their beliefs and values all the more tenaciously. Power and authority may control the actions of others; they seldom control their thoughts, ideas, beliefs.
In addition to influencing children's values by modeling, parents can use one other approach to teach what they feel is right or wrong. They may share with their offspring their ideas, their knowledge, and their experience, much as a consultant does when her services are requested by a client. There is a catch here. The successful consultant shares rather than preaches, offers rather than imposes, so just rather than demands. Even more critical, the successful consultant shares, offers, and suggests usually no more than once. The effective consultant offers her clients the benefit of her knowledge and experience, yes, but does not hassle them week after week, does not shame them if they don't buy her ideas, it does not keep pushing her point of view when she detects resistance on the part of her client. The successful consultant officer ideas, then leaves responsibility with the client for buying or rejecting them. If a consultant behaved as most parents do, her client would inform her that her services were no longer desired.
* All a parent can do is to try to influence by being a model, being an effective consultant, and developing a “therapeutic” relationship with the kids. After that, what else? As I see it, a parent can only accept the fact that she ultimately has no power to prevent such behaviors, if the child is bent on doing them. Maybe this is one of the prices for being a parent. You can do your best, then hope for the best, but in the long run you run the risk that your best efforts might not be good enough. Ultimately you, too, may then ask, “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.”
ch15: how parents can prevent conflicts by modifying themselves
* The last concept that we offer parents is that they can prevent many conflicts between parent and child by changing some of their own attitudes. This idea is presented last because it can be somewhat threatening to parents to be told that sometimes they might be the ones who should change, rather than their children. It is far easier for most parents to accept new methods to change their children and new methods for modifying the environment and then to accept the idea of making changes within themselves. Parenthood in our society is considered more a way to influence the growth and development of children than the growth in the development of parents. Too often Parenthood means raising kids; they are the ones to adjust to parents. There are problem kids, but not problem parents.
* Studies show that a direct relationship exists between how accepting people are of others and how accepting they are of themselves. A person who accepts himself as a person is likely to feel a lot of acceptance for others. People who cannot tolerate a lot of things about themselves usually find it difficult to tolerate a lot in others. A parent needs to ask himself a penetrating question: “How much do I like who I am?”
* I often tell parents, “Don't want your child to become something in particular; just want him to become.”
===================================
Ch2: Parents are persons, not Gods
* When a child receives "mixed messages," she may begin to have grave doubts about the honesty or genuineness of her parent. She learns from many experiences that her mother often says one thing when she feels another. Eventually the child grows to distrust such a parent.
* In a relationship as close and enduring as the parent-child relationship, the parent's true feelings seldom can be hidden from the child.
* Parents need to understand that they had better not try to extend their area of acceptance beyond what their true attitudes are. Far better for parents to realize when they are not feeling accepting and not pretend that they are.
* Whether a child feels that she as a person is unaccepted will be determined by how many of her behaviors are unacceptable. Parents who find unacceptable a great many things that their children do or say will inevitably foster in these children a deep feeling that they are unacceptable as persons. Conversely, parents who are accepting of a great many things their children do or say will produce children who are more likely to feel acceptable as persons.
* Parents are people, not gods. They do not have to act unconditionally accepting, or even consistently accepting. Neither should they pretend to be accepting when they are not. While children undoubtedly prefer to be accepted, they can constructively handle their parent's unaccepting feelings when parents send clear and honest messages that match their true feelings. Not only will this make it easier for children to cope, but it will help each child to see her parent as a real person--transparent, human, someone with whom she would like to have a relationship.
* Many parents fall into the trap of assuming responsibility for solving problems that their children own, rather than encouraging them to solve their problems themselves.
Ch3: How to Listen So Kids Will Talk to You: The Language of Acceptance
* nonintervention to show acceptance: keeping hands off when a child is engaged in some activity is a strong nonverbal way of communicating acceptance. Many parents fail to realize how frequently they communicate nonacceptance to their children simply by interfering, intruding, moving in, checking up, joining in. Too often adults do not let children just be. They invade the privacy of their rooms, or move into their own personal and private thoughts, refusing to permit them a separateness. Often this is the result of parental fears and anxieties, their own feelings of insecurity.
* In Active Listening, the receiver tries to understand what it is the sender is feeling or what his message means. Then he puts his understanding into his own words (code) and feeds it back for the sender's verification. The receiver *does not* send a message of his own--such as an evaluation, opinion, advice, logic, analysis, or question. He feeds back only what he feels the sender's message meant--nothing more, nothing less.
* active listening requires certain attitudes, or else it will sound mechanical and insincere: willing to take the time to listen, want to be helpful, be able to accept the feelings, trust in the child's capacity to handle their feelings, appreciate that feelings are transitory and not permanent, and see your child as someone separate from you
Ch4: Putting your active listening skill to work
* Unusually coded messages that children send, particularly questions, often mean that the child is coping with a deeper problem. Active Listening provides parents with a way of moving in and offering to help the child define the problem for herself, and starting up the process of problem-solving within the child. Giving direct answers to these feelings-coded-as-questions almost invariably results in the parent's muffing an opportunity to be an effective counselor on the real problem the child is grappling with.
* When parents complain that their kids never talk about serious problems at home, it usually turns out that such problems have been tentatively and hesitatingly tossed out on the table by their kids, but the parents went into the traditional routines: admonishing, preaching, moralizing, teaching, evaluating, judging, sarcasm, or diverting. Slowly, then, kids start pulling down the curtain that forever will separate their own minds from the parents' minds. No wonder there is such alienation between parents and children.
Ch6: how to talk to kids will listen
* [Adults] assume that a friend has brains enough to find his own solution to your problem once he is told what the problem is. An adult would simply tell the friend her feelings.
* Children will be much more likely to change their unacceptable behavior if their parents send I-Messages containing these three parts: 1) a description of the unacceptable behavior, 2) the parent’s feeling, and 3) the tangible and concrete effect the behavior has on the parent. [behavior + feeling + effect]
Ch7: putting i-messages to work
* Parents learn in PET that if they frequently vent angry You-Messages, they had better hold a mirror up to themselves and ask, “What is going on inside me?” “What needs of mine are being threatened by my child’s behavior?”
* Children, not unlike adults, often don’t know how their behavior affects others. In the pursuit of their own goals they are often totally unaware of the impact their behavior might have. Once they are told, they usually want to be more considerate. Thoughtlessness frequently turns into thoughtfulness, once a child understands the impact of his behavior on others.
* Adults often underestimate the willingness of kids to be considerate of adults’ needs, once they are honestly and straightforwardly told how others feel. Kids can be responsive and responsible, if only grown-ups take a moment to level with them.
* Positive I-Messages are not likely to be interpreted as manipulative and controlling the way praise usually is as long as these two conditions are met:
The parent is not consciously trying to use the messages to influence the child to repeat the desired behavior (to modify the child’s future behavior).
The message is simply a vehicle for communicating a spontaneously experienced temporary feeling–that is, the feeling is genuine and real, as well as here and now.
Ch9: inevitable parent-child conflicts: who should win?
* it would be a rare relationship if over a period of time one person’s needs did not conflict with the other’s. When any two people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people are different, think differently, or have different needs and wants that sometimes do not match. Conflict, therefore, is not necessarily bad–it exists as a reality of any relationship. As a matter of fact, a relationship with no apparent conflict may be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict.
* This is the critical factor in any relationship: how the conflicts get resolved, not how many conflicts occur.
* “I am permissive with my children until I can’t stand them. Then I become strongly authoritarian until I can’t stand myself.”
Ch10: Parental Power: Necessary and Justified?
* Parents assume that adolescent rebellion and hostility are inevitably a function of this stage of development. I think this is not valid–it is more that adolescents become more able to resist and rebel.
* An adolescent, therefore, does not rebel against her parents. She rebels against their power. If parents would rely less on power and more on nonpower methods to influence their children from infancy on, there would be little for children to rebel against when they become adolescents. The use of power to change the behavior of children, then, has this severe limitation: parents inevitably run out of power, and sooner than they think.
* What children have a right to expect, however, is that they always be told when their parents are not feeling accepting of a certain behavior…This is quite different from wanting parents to use authority to set limits on their behavior.
* when parents ask, “Isn’t it my responsibility to use my power to influence my child?” they reveal a common misunderstanding about the effectiveness of power as a way of influencing their children. Parental power does not really “influence” children; it forces them to behave in prescribed ways. Power does not “influence in the sense of persuading, convincing, educating, or motivating a child to behave in a particular way. Rather, power compels or prevents behavior. Compelled or prevented by someone with superior power, a child is not really persuaded. As a matter of fact, she will generally return to her former ways as soon as the authority or power is removed because her own needs and desires remain unchanged. Frequently she will also be determined to get back at her parent for the frustration of those needs as well as the humiliation inflicted on her. Therefore, power actually empowers its own victims, creates its own opposition, fosters its own destruction.
Ch12: parents’ fears and concerns about the “no-lose” method
* Parents have to be helped to grasp the fundamental difference between Method II and Method III. They need repeated reminders that in Method III, they too must get their needs met; they too must accept the ultimate solution. If they feel they have given in to a child, then they have used Method II, not Method III.
* We do not equate Method III with the term “compromise” in the sense of accepting less than you want, because it is our experience that its solutions almost always bring more to both parent and child than either expected.
* How can anyone refute the idea that parents are wiser and more experienced than children? It seems to be such a self-evident truth. Yet, when we ask parents in our classes, whether their own parents made unwise Method I decisions, they all say, “Yes.” How easy it is for parents to forget their own experiences as children!
* “Parents have superior wisdom” No, not about many things concerning their children. Parents do have much valuable wisdom and experience, and that wisdom and experience need never be buried. Many parents in P.E.T. overlook at first the point that the wisdom of both the parent and the child is mobilized by the no-lose method. Neither is left out of problem-solving (in contrast to Method I, which ignores a child’s wisdom, or Method II, which ignores the wisdom of parents).
Ch13: putting the “no-lose” method to work
* In the no-lose method, parents would simply assume that the kids will carry out the decision. That is part of the new method–trust in each other, trust in keeping to commitments, sticking to promises, holding up one’s end of the bargain. Any talk about penalties and punishments is bound to communicate distrust, doubt, suspicion, pessimism. This is not to say that kids will always stick to their agreement. They won’t. It says merely that parents should assume that they will. “Innocent until proven guilty” or “responsible until proven irresponsible” is the philosophy we recommend.
ch14: how to avoid being fired as a parent
* Parents get fired by their kids when they hassle and harangue them to change cherished beliefs and values. Adolescents dismiss their parents when they feel they are being denied their basic civil rights. Parents lose their opportunity to have a constructive influence on their children by too desperately and too persistently trying to influence them where kids are the most eager to determine their own beliefs and their own destiny.
* When children strongly resist attempts to modify behavior that they feel won’t interfere with the parents’ needs, their behavior is no different from that of adults. No adult wants to modify her behavior when she is convinced that it is not hurting someone else. Adults as well as children will fight vigorously to maintain their freedom when they feel someone is pushing them to change behavior that is not interfering with the other person. This is one of the most serious mistakes parents make and one of the most frequent reasons for their ineffectiveness. If parents would limit their attempts to modify behavior to what interferes with the parents' needs, there would be far less rebellion, fewer conflicts, and fewer parent child relationships that go sour. Most parents unwisely criticize, cajole, and harass their children to modify behaviors I have no tangible or concrete effect on the parent. In defense, children fight back, resist, rebel, or breakaway.
* Much of the rebellion of today's adolescents can be attributed to parents and other adults who put pressure on them to modify behavior that the kids feel is their own business. Children do not rebel against adults–they rebel against the adults' attempts to take away their freedom. They rebel against efforts to change them or mold them in the adults’ image, against adults’ harassment, against adults’ forcing them to act according to what the adults think is right or wrong.
* This might not have been the outcome in another family in the same circumstances. The point is, the child must accept the logic that her behavior is having a tangible and concrete effect on the parent. Only then will she be willing to enter into no-lose problem solving. The lesson for parents is that they had better be able to make a good case for some particular behavior having a tangible or concrete effect on their lives, or the child may not be willing to negotiate.
* Libertarian parenting! – Granting children civil rights or certain inalienable freedoms presupposes viewing children as separate human beings or independent persons, having a life of their own. Not many parents see their children this way when they first learn P.E.T. They have difficulty accepting the principle of allowing their children freedom to become what they want to become, provided their behavior does not tangibly and concretely interfere with the parents becoming what he or she wants to become.
* Is it even possible to impose values on another healthy person by power and authority? I think not. More likely, the result is that those whose minds one wishes to influence or resist even more strongly such domination, often defending their beliefs and values all the more tenaciously. Power and authority may control the actions of others; they seldom control their thoughts, ideas, beliefs.
In addition to influencing children's values by modeling, parents can use one other approach to teach what they feel is right or wrong. They may share with their offspring their ideas, their knowledge, and their experience, much as a consultant does when her services are requested by a client. There is a catch here. The successful consultant shares rather than preaches, offers rather than imposes, so just rather than demands. Even more critical, the successful consultant shares, offers, and suggests usually no more than once. The effective consultant offers her clients the benefit of her knowledge and experience, yes, but does not hassle them week after week, does not shame them if they don't buy her ideas, it does not keep pushing her point of view when she detects resistance on the part of her client. The successful consultant officer ideas, then leaves responsibility with the client for buying or rejecting them. If a consultant behaved as most parents do, her client would inform her that her services were no longer desired.
* All a parent can do is to try to influence by being a model, being an effective consultant, and developing a “therapeutic” relationship with the kids. After that, what else? As I see it, a parent can only accept the fact that she ultimately has no power to prevent such behaviors, if the child is bent on doing them. Maybe this is one of the prices for being a parent. You can do your best, then hope for the best, but in the long run you run the risk that your best efforts might not be good enough. Ultimately you, too, may then ask, “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.”
ch15: how parents can prevent conflicts by modifying themselves
* The last concept that we offer parents is that they can prevent many conflicts between parent and child by changing some of their own attitudes. This idea is presented last because it can be somewhat threatening to parents to be told that sometimes they might be the ones who should change, rather than their children. It is far easier for most parents to accept new methods to change their children and new methods for modifying the environment and then to accept the idea of making changes within themselves. Parenthood in our society is considered more a way to influence the growth and development of children than the growth in the development of parents. Too often Parenthood means raising kids; they are the ones to adjust to parents. There are problem kids, but not problem parents.
* Studies show that a direct relationship exists between how accepting people are of others and how accepting they are of themselves. A person who accepts himself as a person is likely to feel a lot of acceptance for others. People who cannot tolerate a lot of things about themselves usually find it difficult to tolerate a lot in others. A parent needs to ask himself a penetrating question: “How much do I like who I am?”
* I often tell parents, “Don't want your child to become something in particular; just want him to become.”
August 25, 2023
The world is filled, governed and operated with abused children who've grown up, normalized their abuse and either knowingly or unknowingly seek to inflict this abuse upon the world.
There's a massive power differential between parents and their children, greatest one there is in modern society. The smallest gestures, implications, shrugs can shape the emotional lives of children for the rest of their lives not to mention betrayal, manipulation, lying, emotional violence and so on.
Parents can either disregard this power differential and believe whatever they want to believe since their children will follow along anyway, or they can handle the power they have with utmost care and respect and treat their children like they would a spouse they love or a great friend. The first option will result in blowback on the parents and on society starting from when the child reaches puberty and the consequences can be quite horrific. The second option is apparently much more rare, but there really is no built-in reason for teens to suddenly start acting crazy provided decent trust, bonding and communication had existed beforehand with the parents.
So this book teaches ways of communicating with one's children that aim to increase this trust and bond and not decrease it, which will require creativity and abandoning the addictive power that this relationship brings to parents. The idea of punishment itself will lose all it's positive meaning once you've adopted this mindset and ask yourself "Would I ever punish my spouse that I love, or would we creatively seek for a solution together if something undesirable happens?".
Most parents sadly don't have this skill of communicating without trying to ascribe blame or shame nor have they any idea how to creatively look for solutions together. This can be taught however and once you start modelling this with your children, the results can be amazing or at least much better than using your power to force them into compliance.
Another book for a better and more detailed explanation of this kind of communication would be "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg.
There's a massive power differential between parents and their children, greatest one there is in modern society. The smallest gestures, implications, shrugs can shape the emotional lives of children for the rest of their lives not to mention betrayal, manipulation, lying, emotional violence and so on.
Parents can either disregard this power differential and believe whatever they want to believe since their children will follow along anyway, or they can handle the power they have with utmost care and respect and treat their children like they would a spouse they love or a great friend. The first option will result in blowback on the parents and on society starting from when the child reaches puberty and the consequences can be quite horrific. The second option is apparently much more rare, but there really is no built-in reason for teens to suddenly start acting crazy provided decent trust, bonding and communication had existed beforehand with the parents.
So this book teaches ways of communicating with one's children that aim to increase this trust and bond and not decrease it, which will require creativity and abandoning the addictive power that this relationship brings to parents. The idea of punishment itself will lose all it's positive meaning once you've adopted this mindset and ask yourself "Would I ever punish my spouse that I love, or would we creatively seek for a solution together if something undesirable happens?".
Most parents sadly don't have this skill of communicating without trying to ascribe blame or shame nor have they any idea how to creatively look for solutions together. This can be taught however and once you start modelling this with your children, the results can be amazing or at least much better than using your power to force them into compliance.
Another book for a better and more detailed explanation of this kind of communication would be "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg.
April 17, 2022
The TL/DR review: every parent, ever, should read this book. Even if you reject its argument (which I generally don't), you will learn something about yourself and the other parents you see out in the world.
The basic crux of the argument is that parents need to improve their listening skills ("active listening"), they should give children ownership of problem solving, and show themselves as flawed humans with needs instead of gods that tower over their children. This is all pretty sensible and matches a general RIE-style approach to parenthood: treat your kids with respect and give them as much autonomy as they (and you) can handle.
I did want to make a single addendum, though, particularly for parenting younger kids. The book tends to be more focused on adolescence than on early childhood. (Not exclusively, but significantly.) When dealing with small children without impulse control, you have to set up the environment for discussion. Generally, this means using your physical size to prevent things from happening that you are trying to stop.
Below is a summary of my very first successful intentional implementation of this strategy.
I have two kids (4m, 2f). My wife takes prenatal vitamins, two per morning, and the 2f has been "responsible" for giving my wife the pills she wants to take. The 4m has gotten wind of this and was jealous. The two children fought over who would get to do the pills first.
I reached into my bag of tricks: "4m, you really want to do this today.""2f, giving mama her pills is very important to you!" etc etc etc. So we started our discussion. The eventual solution the 4m came up with was to each give mama a single pill simultaneously. Good stuff.
Of course, during the discussion, the 2f attempted to flee and just give mama the pills. I had to chase her down. I learned my lesson and positioned myself more strategically (between 2f and mama) for the remainder of the discussion.
So basically, be mindful of setting; it's very important, and I think the book is not quite descriptive enough in terms of the best ways to implement this strategy among younger kids.
The basic crux of the argument is that parents need to improve their listening skills ("active listening"), they should give children ownership of problem solving, and show themselves as flawed humans with needs instead of gods that tower over their children. This is all pretty sensible and matches a general RIE-style approach to parenthood: treat your kids with respect and give them as much autonomy as they (and you) can handle.
I did want to make a single addendum, though, particularly for parenting younger kids. The book tends to be more focused on adolescence than on early childhood. (Not exclusively, but significantly.) When dealing with small children without impulse control, you have to set up the environment for discussion. Generally, this means using your physical size to prevent things from happening that you are trying to stop.
Below is a summary of my very first successful intentional implementation of this strategy.
I have two kids (4m, 2f). My wife takes prenatal vitamins, two per morning, and the 2f has been "responsible" for giving my wife the pills she wants to take. The 4m has gotten wind of this and was jealous. The two children fought over who would get to do the pills first.
I reached into my bag of tricks: "4m, you really want to do this today.""2f, giving mama her pills is very important to you!" etc etc etc. So we started our discussion. The eventual solution the 4m came up with was to each give mama a single pill simultaneously. Good stuff.
Of course, during the discussion, the 2f attempted to flee and just give mama the pills. I had to chase her down. I learned my lesson and positioned myself more strategically (between 2f and mama) for the remainder of the discussion.
So basically, be mindful of setting; it's very important, and I think the book is not quite descriptive enough in terms of the best ways to implement this strategy among younger kids.
November 7, 2025
one of the best
December 1, 2024
czytałam to na zajęcia, ale tak właściwie to bardzo interesujący temat i myślę że wielu osobom przydałaby się lektura tej książki. bardzo pomocne, napisane w łatwy i przystępny sposób
April 3, 2025
“Los niños con frecuencia se convierten en lo que sus padres les dicen que son.”
El método P.E.T. (Padres Eficaz y Técnicamente Preparados) que comúnmente se lleva a cabo de forma presencial, amplía sus horizontes a través de esta publicación en papel.
La premisa del libro es interesante, y se enfoca en que, pese a que la sociedad ha avanzado en innumerables aspectos, tanto científicos como tecnológicos, el tema de la paternidad ha tenido de poco a nada de cambio en toda su historia. Y, por tanto, seguimos aplicando los mismos preceptos pasados de moda que ya aplicaban nuestros padres y abuelos.
Pese a que la idea general no es mala (y de hecho creo que es correcta), el libro es muy repetitivo y algo inverosímil en sus ejemplos (pese a que se supone que son reales y transcritos directamente de situaciones ocurridas durante los cursos).
El autor sobre explica muchas cosas, ahonda en enunciados que aparecen a modo de lista en un capítulo anterior, y que se entienden perfectamente sin necesidad de explicarlos a detalle.
Seguramente lo anterior es con intención de reforzar el aprendizaje, pero más que nada retrasan la lectura y obstaculizan los conocimientos que pretende compartirnos. Porque sí, es claro que el autor sabe de lo que habla y que domina el tema gracias a años de experiencia, pero su método fue creado, en mi opinión personal, para gente con cierto nivel socioeconómico y, obviamente, con la idea de enseñarse de forma presencial a niños y adultos del primer mundo.
Admito que me salté los capítulos que se refieren a la comunicación con niños pequeños (bebés, pues) ya que no tengo interés en esa etapa, y me salté también el apartado para realizar ejercicios (cosa que yo odio que los libros incluyan, pero supongo que puede ser útil para algunas personas), ya que el libro es bastante explicativo por sí mismo.
Lo Mejor: Sí nos brinda algunas herramientas que pueden resultar útiles para mejorar la comunicación con los chicos.
Lo Peor: Es tan repetitivo que uno puede saltarse párrafos enteros sin consecuencias.
El método P.E.T. (Padres Eficaz y Técnicamente Preparados) que comúnmente se lleva a cabo de forma presencial, amplía sus horizontes a través de esta publicación en papel.
La premisa del libro es interesante, y se enfoca en que, pese a que la sociedad ha avanzado en innumerables aspectos, tanto científicos como tecnológicos, el tema de la paternidad ha tenido de poco a nada de cambio en toda su historia. Y, por tanto, seguimos aplicando los mismos preceptos pasados de moda que ya aplicaban nuestros padres y abuelos.
Pese a que la idea general no es mala (y de hecho creo que es correcta), el libro es muy repetitivo y algo inverosímil en sus ejemplos (pese a que se supone que son reales y transcritos directamente de situaciones ocurridas durante los cursos).
El autor sobre explica muchas cosas, ahonda en enunciados que aparecen a modo de lista en un capítulo anterior, y que se entienden perfectamente sin necesidad de explicarlos a detalle.
Seguramente lo anterior es con intención de reforzar el aprendizaje, pero más que nada retrasan la lectura y obstaculizan los conocimientos que pretende compartirnos. Porque sí, es claro que el autor sabe de lo que habla y que domina el tema gracias a años de experiencia, pero su método fue creado, en mi opinión personal, para gente con cierto nivel socioeconómico y, obviamente, con la idea de enseñarse de forma presencial a niños y adultos del primer mundo.
Admito que me salté los capítulos que se refieren a la comunicación con niños pequeños (bebés, pues) ya que no tengo interés en esa etapa, y me salté también el apartado para realizar ejercicios (cosa que yo odio que los libros incluyan, pero supongo que puede ser útil para algunas personas), ya que el libro es bastante explicativo por sí mismo.
Lo Mejor: Sí nos brinda algunas herramientas que pueden resultar útiles para mejorar la comunicación con los chicos.
Lo Peor: Es tan repetitivo que uno puede saltarse párrafos enteros sin consecuencias.
May 21, 2014
A good solid parenting book. Though written 40 years ago, the issues raised in the book remain critical today.
It has an experiential approach and does not provide much explanations to the "whys" or scientific support -as many current parenting books offer. For instance, it mentions Active Listening. This reminds me the book, The Whole Brain Child -where the author Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson explain the reason why you listen open-mindly and validate your children's feelings is to connect your right brain with their right brain so that they feel being understood. This is the first step to open up the communication.
The discussion on primary and secondary emotions is helpful and a good reminder.
I also appreciate the discussion on how we should not be afraid to show our children that we are human, real people with real emotions, cannot be consistent and indeed make mistakes.
I find it difficult to accept Gordon's view on authority and viewing parent and child are equal, though I agree with him on the remark with the lack of long-term effect when parents use reward-and-punishment model.
Parents should not shy away from their authority over their children as long as they keep up their love, warmth, and compassion. As much as we want to listen to our children and want them to help prolem-solving and participate in the decision-making process and encourage their independence, we need to hold up high expectation and stress human core values.
This book deals with "effectiveness" of parenting, but our parenting should not end here. What are the higher purposes of parenting? Would there be sometime we would rather be ineffective but insistent on what we believe to hold dear?
It has an experiential approach and does not provide much explanations to the "whys" or scientific support -as many current parenting books offer. For instance, it mentions Active Listening. This reminds me the book, The Whole Brain Child -where the author Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson explain the reason why you listen open-mindly and validate your children's feelings is to connect your right brain with their right brain so that they feel being understood. This is the first step to open up the communication.
The discussion on primary and secondary emotions is helpful and a good reminder.
I also appreciate the discussion on how we should not be afraid to show our children that we are human, real people with real emotions, cannot be consistent and indeed make mistakes.
I find it difficult to accept Gordon's view on authority and viewing parent and child are equal, though I agree with him on the remark with the lack of long-term effect when parents use reward-and-punishment model.
Parents should not shy away from their authority over their children as long as they keep up their love, warmth, and compassion. As much as we want to listen to our children and want them to help prolem-solving and participate in the decision-making process and encourage their independence, we need to hold up high expectation and stress human core values.
This book deals with "effectiveness" of parenting, but our parenting should not end here. What are the higher purposes of parenting? Would there be sometime we would rather be ineffective but insistent on what we believe to hold dear?
February 6, 2018
I cannot in good conscience recommend this book to anybody in my real-life social circle. Because every true thing it says and every good piece of advice is packaged in a way that would make it unpalatable for pretty much everybody I know. I not only agree with the vast majority of what PET teaches, but I also already do most of what PET teaches, and even I hated the tone. I rolled my eyes so hard it's a wonder I didn't sprain something.
So, no, I do not recommend this book. If you're going to read one parenting book, probably the best one is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, which contains a lot of the same basic ideas, but packaged in a way that doesn't communicate that you're too stupid to parent correctly without intensive intervention, and if you would only listen to these experts, your kids would always think you were great.
The one thing to take away from PET that I haven't seen anywhere else is the idea of the behavior window. The behavior window is a way of thinking about whether the parent, the child, or both has the responsibility for a problem. If you'd like to look at that concept, here's a webpage that explains it. Now I've saved you from reading this book. You're welcome.
So, no, I do not recommend this book. If you're going to read one parenting book, probably the best one is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, which contains a lot of the same basic ideas, but packaged in a way that doesn't communicate that you're too stupid to parent correctly without intensive intervention, and if you would only listen to these experts, your kids would always think you were great.
The one thing to take away from PET that I haven't seen anywhere else is the idea of the behavior window. The behavior window is a way of thinking about whether the parent, the child, or both has the responsibility for a problem. If you'd like to look at that concept, here's a webpage that explains it. Now I've saved you from reading this book. You're welcome.
February 5, 2010
This was a life-changing book for me. I read it in conjunction with a class on Parent Effectiveness Training that I took through Luke's elementary school. The course and instructor were excellent - I wish everyone who read the book could have had the same class that I did. However, by just reading the book I think it's possible to improve your relationship with your children and help them to grow up to be the thinking, responsible people that you want them to be. And the relationship concepts Dr. Gordon teaches can be applied to all relationships, not just those between the parent and child. I highly recommend it!
April 15, 2015
I hate this book. It comes across as trying to sell me something: a product, a program. It starts off by trying to convince me that if I don't like it at first, I should stick with it anyway because I'm wrong. Which is unfortunate because some of the ideas in the book are helpful. I highly recommend Guiding Young Children by Eleanor Reynolds who writes from the perspective of an early childhood care provider and dovetails with a lot of the ideas in P.E.T. She uses a lot of examples with various outcomes to demonstrate how to use the ideas.
September 19, 2010
This may very well be the best parenting book I've ever read. The author provides fantastic advice on how to deal with people - not just your children, but everyone. The author is a strong advocate of using "I-Messages" (ex. "I feel _______ when _________, because _________."), which I think is a great way of communicating with anyone.
I highly recommend this book to any parent, or any person for that matter!
I highly recommend this book to any parent, or any person for that matter!
January 5, 2009
I can highly recommend this book for anyone with kids... it gives a third way instead of the authoritarian or permissive parenting.. takes the win lose feeling out of parenting. Already I feel and see a difference in my parenting and behavior of my son and resolving interactions with other kids!
March 22, 2011
This book isn't just for helping communication between you and your children, this book also helped me communicate and compromise better with my husband, stopped a lot of arguments in their tracks. Can't speak highly enough of it.
February 2, 2020
ترجمهٔ عنوان باید«آموزش اثربخشی والدین» باشه و گویا تعداد صفحات کتاب اصلی بیشتره.
این کتاب زیاد وارد جزئیات نمیشه و اصول کلی فرزندپروری رو مطرح میکنه. این اصول تا حد زیادی همون قواعد ارتباط سازنده هستن که توی همه روابط بین فردی به کار میان
مثل گوش دادن فعال، همدلی، و حل مسئله مشترک.
این کتاب زیاد وارد جزئیات نمیشه و اصول کلی فرزندپروری رو مطرح میکنه. این اصول تا حد زیادی همون قواعد ارتباط سازنده هستن که توی همه روابط بین فردی به کار میان
مثل گوش دادن فعال، همدلی، و حل مسئله مشترک.
October 31, 2020
This advice in this book reminded me strongly of principles I have learned elsewhere on how to work through conflicts in adult relationships. I loved that this book demonstrated that these lessons apply just as well to parent-child relationships. (Disclaimer: I don't have kids)
1. Who owns the problem
When problems arise, first identify who owns the problem - the parent or the child.
Child owns the problem
The parent should employ passive or active listening techniques to support the child in solving their own problem.
Parent owns the problem
The parent should apply a "no-lose" confrontation technique (see below)
Connection to Life Coaching
I have encountered this principle in my adult life through my work with a life coach, who has helped me recognize cases in which I did not "own the problem" and therefore be able let go of my feelings of responsibility and stress in situations when I could not control the outcome.
2. You-message vs I-message
You-messages
When a problem arises, parents often "send a solution" by using a "You-message" to tell a child what they are doing wrong or what they should do instead.
I-messages
If parents instead use an "I-message" to state the problem they are experiencing, children are given the opportunity to be considerate and to find a solution that meets both their and their parent's needs.
Connection to Nonviolent Communication
This principle of using "I-messages" instead of "You-messages" has striking similarity to the format espoused in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life - in conflicts between adults, instead of making sweeping judgements and/or sending a solution ("You're such a slob. Why can't you clean up after yourself?"), work to frame a conflict by centering on your own feelings and your needs that aren't being met:
3. "No-lose" confrontation technique
Parents tend to employ one of two win-lose confrontation techniques. However, there is a third "no lose" option:
1. Authoritarian: Parent uses power or authority to impose solution. Parent wins, child loses
2. Permissive: Parent gives in to child. Parent loses, child wins
3. "No-lose": Parent states their problem as an "I-message", then engages in joint problem-solving with child to find a solution that meets both of their needs. No one loses.
Connection to Design Spikes
The "no-lose" method reminds me strongly of the problem-solving technique I frequently apply in my work as a software engineer:
This problem-solving technique has been immensely powerful in my work as an engineer, and I loved how this book highlighted that it applies just as well in conflict-resolution.
1. Who owns the problem
When problems arise, first identify who owns the problem - the parent or the child.
Child owns the problem
The parent should employ passive or active listening techniques to support the child in solving their own problem.
Parent owns the problem
The parent should apply a "no-lose" confrontation technique (see below)
Connection to Life Coaching
I have encountered this principle in my adult life through my work with a life coach, who has helped me recognize cases in which I did not "own the problem" and therefore be able let go of my feelings of responsibility and stress in situations when I could not control the outcome.
2. You-message vs I-message
You-messages
When a problem arises, parents often "send a solution" by using a "You-message" to tell a child what they are doing wrong or what they should do instead.
"You are playing too loudly. You are so inconsiderate. Go play in your room".Like all humans, children resent being told what to do. Additionally, being "sent the solution" robs the child of the opportunity to problem-solve and to demonstrate that they can be cooperative and considerate once they are made aware that a problem exists.
I-messages
If parents instead use an "I-message" to state the problem they are experiencing, children are given the opportunity to be considerate and to find a solution that meets both their and their parent's needs.
"I am tired from a long day at work and need some quiet time to relax and read a book"
Connection to Nonviolent Communication
This principle of using "I-messages" instead of "You-messages" has striking similarity to the format espoused in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life - in conflicts between adults, instead of making sweeping judgements and/or sending a solution ("You're such a slob. Why can't you clean up after yourself?"), work to frame a conflict by centering on your own feelings and your needs that aren't being met:
1. Factually state a specific incident
"I noticed your dirty socks on the couch"
2. Describe how it made you feel
"I felt disappointed"
3. Connect to the need of yours that isn't being met
"I need the house to be tidy to be able to relax after work"
4. Conclude with a request to change
"Could you clean up your socks before I come home from work?"
3. "No-lose" confrontation technique
Parents tend to employ one of two win-lose confrontation techniques. However, there is a third "no lose" option:
1. Authoritarian: Parent uses power or authority to impose solution. Parent wins, child loses
2. Permissive: Parent gives in to child. Parent loses, child wins
3. "No-lose": Parent states their problem as an "I-message", then engages in joint problem-solving with child to find a solution that meets both of their needs. No one loses.
Connection to Design Spikes
The "no-lose" method reminds me strongly of the problem-solving technique I frequently apply in my work as a software engineer:
1. Start by defining the problem and the requirements (e.g. the parent's and child's needs that are currently not being met)
2. Collaboratively ideate solutions
3. Jointly select one solution that best meets the requirements
This problem-solving technique has been immensely powerful in my work as an engineer, and I loved how this book highlighted that it applies just as well in conflict-resolution.
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