If Only I'd Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth

by Chelsey Brooke Cole

This therapist-written and recommended 3-part book will help you understand the inner workings of a narcissist, heal from narcissistic abuse, and experience sustainable post-traumatic growth.

In relationships, have you ever found
Narcissistic abuse creates a tidal wave of confusion, hypervigilance, and overthinking. You have trouble thinking clearly, remembering things, or taking in new information. You feel frazzled, foggy, and flawed.

And because these changes are happening to you—you begin to

What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I make this relationship work?
Am I fundamentally broken?

And that’s exactly how narcissistic abuse works—it happens so subtly that you believe the insecurities you’re experiencing are “you” instead of “what’s happening” to you.

You think there’s something wrong with you .
You think you need to change or get better.
You think they’ll grow out of it.
You think no one else understands.

Narcissistic abuse is a multilayered attack on your sense of self—a dismantling of who you are and what you believe you’re worth.

This book covers unique information related to narcissistic abuse,
If you’ve ever

How did I get into this relationship?
I didn’t experience an intense love-bombing phase—are they still a narcissist?
I’m such a people pleaser—how can I set better boundaries?
What if healing isn’t possible for me?
I feel so lost and broken—where do I even start?

This book is for you!

Praise for If Only I'd Known!

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help

245 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 15, 2023

Reviews

[Markie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Title: If Only I'd Known: Outsmarting Narcissists, Setting Boundaries, and Cultivating Unshakeable Self-Worth
Author: Chelsey Brooke Cole

Overall rating: ★★★★☆ (4/5)

"If Only I'd Known: Outsmarting Narcissists, Setting Boundaries, and Cultivating Unshakeable Self-Worth" by Chelsey Brooke Cole is a therapist-written and recommended book that offers valuable insights and guidance on understanding narcissists, healing from narcissistic abuse, and fostering post-traumatic growth.

The book addresses the common experiences and struggles faced by individuals who have been in relationships with narcissists. It explores the feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and mental exhaustion that often accompany narcissistic abuse. Cole provides a comprehensive understanding of how narcissistic abuse affects one's sense of self and worth, highlighting the subtle yet damaging ways in which insecurities are internalized by the survivor.

The author covers a range of topics related to narcissistic abuse, including different types of narcissists and their love-bombing tactics, warning signs of abuse on cognitive, emotional, behavioral, and physiological levels, and the formation of narcissistic trauma bonds. Cole offers practical strategies and advice on untangling oneself from these toxic relationships, setting boundaries, and reclaiming personal power.

The book specifically addresses the concerns and challenges faced by empaths or highly sensitive individuals, providing guidance on how to navigate setting boundaries effectively without compromising one's empathetic nature. By dispelling common misconceptions and exploring the reasons why survivors may feel stuck, the author empowers readers to break free from the cycle of abuse and embark on a healing journey.

One of the book's strengths lies in its practicality and accessibility. Cole's writing is clear, concise, and empathetic, making complex concepts and experiences understandable and relatable. The inclusion of real-life examples and scenarios adds depth and helps readers apply the insights to their own situations.

While "If Only I'd Known" offers a comprehensive exploration of narcissistic abuse, some readers may find that certain aspects could benefit from further elaboration or more in-depth discussion. Additionally, readers seeking a more diverse range of perspectives or approaches to healing from narcissistic abuse may find the book somewhat limited in its scope.

Overall, "If Only I'd Known" is a valuable resource for individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse and are seeking understanding, healing, and personal growth. Chelsey Brooke Cole's expertise as a therapist shines through in her compassionate and practical approach, providing survivors with the tools to outsmart narcissists, establish healthy boundaries, and rebuild their self-worth. This book offers a roadmap for those who are looking to break free from the damaging effects of narcissistic abuse and reclaim their lives.

[Knat L · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book to supplement my healing journey from a breakup with a narcissist. Prior to this book, much of my research was from online resources as I suspected that I was with a narcissist before the actual breakup. I learned about the Chelsey Brooke Cole via her website and online newsletters. I knew that the is book was going to be valuable because her newsletters very informative and themed so that they present the multifaceted ways narcissists manipulate, disorient/confuse and ruin your life and sanity in genius ways. This book goes even further. Online resources typically present the definition of and types of narcissists in a clinical fashion. I was still left with many questions of how I got myself into situation, what caused his behavior and theeefore continuing to rationalize my partner’s behavior. Fast forward past the breakup, I learned about “If Only I’d Known”. It was the help that I desperately needed as I learned about the narcissist that I was with and the brilliant tricks of deception and control. Narcissists are masters of manipulations and this is even an understatement. This author breaks down the tactics into bite-sized pieces. As I was reading I would reflect on my experience of love bombing, fake-futuring and examples of harsh contempt. Cole presents examples that were almost carbon-copy of what I went through and explained where behavior comes from. I felt like my intuition was right all along. No more questioning if it was all in my mind. The book is so well organized and full of needed examples of realistic situations of narcissistic abuse. I enjoyed reading the testimonials and really would have enjoyed reading more. This book was not an easy read, at least for me. I feel will likely be same for those dealing with relationship trauma. This is important because this book explores how you got into a narcissistic relationship in first place and the core wounds developed in childhood that planted the seed for the situation. However, the author offers a genuine empathy for readers. I could go on and on. I highly recommend this book as a source of guidance in deciding to staying with a narcissist (I like how she offers readers the choice), setting protective boundaries for self from the drama and moving on and building self-worth after a traumatic narcissistic relationship.

[Brooke Hrnciar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone needs to read this 👏👏👏

[Sarca · Rating 4 out of 5]

An accessible book on how to identify narcissists and build boundaries to protect oneself. Validating.

[MANJINDER KHAROD · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Insights

A great read, it gives you a better understanding of toxic relationship and what to look for. Highly recommend. A great book.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

When your realization and acknowledgment of a relationship with a narcissist begins, it’s extremely necessary and helpful to gain knowledge. Knowledge is truly power; power to understand, process, protect yourself and begin to heal. Whether it’s from previous or current relationships, emotional abuse from a narcissist leaves lasting trauma that needs healing. Reading books, researching through various social media platforms, listening to podcasts and personal reflection are essential. I found Chelsey Brooke Cole on Facebook while searching for answers about my own personal experiences with a narcissist. Her content led me to sign up for her emails and I diligently followed her content on Facebook and Instagram. I started reading every book I could to help me begin to understand what was happening in my relationship, acknowledge patterns in my current and past relationships and how to cope and eventually create healthy boundaries for myself to heal. I was so fortunate to be a part of the pre-launch team for Chelsey’s new book, “If I’d Only Known”. If even just the title resonates with you, be prepared for connecting deeply with each page of this book. It truly led me into a place of healing. By sharing her professional perspectives and knowledge along with her own personal experiences regarding narcissists, she provides clarity, validation and guidance for those of us who find ourselves or loved ones in relationships with a narcissist. Her actionable insights and advice will help you begin the journey to becoming yourself again and realizing your own value, self worth, and self love. There are many books out there, but this one should be the first one you should read if you want more than just information about a narcissist. Use this book as a map for your own personal journey and story by doing the hard work and applying her knowledge and detailed steps to your own life. It is not always easy to process through so many different emotions but Chelsey’s book should be required reading for anyone dealing with a narcissist and feels stuck, lost, confused or alone and overwhelmed. I’m in a healthy journey back to myself with deep gratitude for learning from Chelsey and her incredible book, “If I’d Only Known”.

[Stephanie (Booked-up) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley, and Chelsey for giving me the chance to read and preview this book in advance.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a disorder like no other, It’s hard to even fathom that people like this exist.
It’s hard to explain it to others unless you have experienced it firsthand. It’s hard to even understand yourself what is happening. But you know that something isn’t right with this person, you know that this person is disordered, but are unable to find the right words to describe it, it leaves you feeling confused, and disoriented. And If you were like me, and happened to come up on a random article about NPD, and realize this, this is it, and feel relieved to understand that there is a name for what is happening to you. The more you learn, the scarier it becomes to realize the narcissist behavior, is intentional, and calculated.
As for the book, I loved it for many reasons. First being it was written straightforward, in simple terms, and to the point. The book was also divided into sections that made the book easy to read, and understand with descriptions of each type of narcissism, their tactics, and about healing yourself. Chelsey has great insight, and precise knowledge of this disorder, which to be honest, many therapists themselves do not understand narcissistic personality disorder. I hope that this is something that will change as this disorder is being discussed more than ever.
I would definitely recommend reading this book to anyone who has had the unfortunate experience of having a narcissist in their life. I would also recommend family, and friends of an abuse victim to read this book as well. It will give you insight as to what your family member, or loved one is experiencing.

I will share/tag the author in my social media accounts, for some reason it’s not excepting my URL here

[Paul Jugasek · Rating 5 out of 5]

If Only I'd Known is divided into 3 parts - what a narcissist is, finding yourself, and healing. Chelsey does a great job going into detail for each part of the book. This is an eye-opening experience for those who have gone through the pains of being in a narcissistic relationship - and yet not even know what that meant until reading this book. All those weeks, months and years of not understanding what you were going through, all makes sense now! Once you see and understand the patterns of manipulation for narcissistic people, you certainly cannot unsee it. Though this is a great healing book for the many that are going through the pains, my hope for this book is that more people are able to use this book as a preventive measure for keeping toxic people out of their lives - to save on the hardship that too many have gone through already. Very informative and great read! Highly recommend!

[AcademicEditor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book extends beyond mere identification of narcissists (though it does that well), guiding readers through the process of setting guilt-free boundaries, understanding trauma bonds, and ultimately reclaiming a sense of self-worth. With a compassionate and knowledgeable approach, Cole addresses the often-overlooked nuances of different narcissistic types and provides practical strategies for breaking free from toxic relationships. For anyone who has ever questioned their worth or wondered how to navigate the challenging path of healing, "If Only I'd Known" is a must-read, offering guidance, support, and a roadmap towards reclaiming one's life after narcissistic abuse.

Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to review a temporary digital ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.

[Michele L. · Rating 4 out of 5]

My main problem with this book is in its title: There is NO way to outsmart a (kamikaze) narcissist!
Best thing to do is recognize an abuser and their abuse (before more damage is done.) See them for who they are & quickly get as far out of reach as possible.

[Nat · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated this book, and the way it was written. The book really lays out step by step every part of the process in figuring out whether a loved one is a narcissist and how to heal yourself from all the past trauma. The book is very thorough in explaining the different types of narcissism and the way in which it can affect every aspect of a survivor's life. The book also fully fleshed out the entire range of emotions a survivor may feel when interacting with a narcissist. Finally, the book described specific steps a person can take when healing from narcissistic abuse. I learned a lot from this book, and I appreciated how much effort went into explaining all the different aspects of knowing someone who is a narcissist.

[AnnieM · Rating 3 out of 5]

All of us have experienced a toxic relationship with a narcissist (and not always aware of it) and the second-guessing and damage that it causes to our sense of well-being and self-esteem. This could be a parent, a partner, a boss, a teacher or a friend. What is helpful in this book is it identifies situations and types of narcissist behavior so we can recognize it in past and current relationships. The key here is learning how to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. This book provides that help and guidance.

Thank you to Netgalley and BooksGoSocial for an ARC and I left this review voluntarily.

[jessica shore · Rating 5 out of 5]

My lifeline

Without this book I wouldn't of been able to get validation of the abuse I was suffering. I couldnt of gained so much understanding of what my gut suspected but my brain always came up with excuses or I gaslight myself. I am proud to day I'm free from my abuser and on my journey to healing. Without Chelsey I wouldn't be on my way to making happier healthier life for me and my children. I'm taking better care if my self setting boundaries and believing in my self for the first time ever. Thank you so much for helping me see through the fog and for helping me through the thick fog and confusion.

[Bobbi Capwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I had Only Known is an incredible book that has helped me to start the healing process after being in a relationship with a narcissist for 25 years.
Chelsey writes from her heart (and personal experience). The steps in her book not only cause to think but let you realize that it is possible to escape!
Chelsey’s writing makes it more than a self-help book as it is one that you will be able to read several times and get new insights each time! It is a valuable resource for your healing journey!

[Carla Winheim · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me see what had happened in my life. It brings great clarity to what is really going on in a narcissistic relationship and brings you to the other side - to normal.

If you suspect something is wrong in a relationship l, check out this book. I didn’t know my ex was a narcissist, he convinced me that I was the problem and he was perfect. Until, I was free, I didn’t see the truth. This books is like a giant light pointing you to the truth and without judging you.

[Loretta Combes · Rating 5 out of 5]

For six years I was in a narcissistic relationship. I didn't realize it at first, but finally started recognizing the patterns. Chelsey is spot on with every dynamic of this topic. I felt every emotion possible while reading this, which says a lot for me. I stuff all emotions deep, deep down in the abyss. Through this amazing text, I have learned how to truly heal. Thanks Chelsey!!

[Sue Zastrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much of what was shared in the book spoke directly to me and where I am in my journey. It gave me hope and encouragement as well as tools to get through the days when it feels like there is no forward movement toward healing.

[story · Rating 5 out of 5]

healing

This book brought more healing and clarity into my life than any self help book I’ve read. It allowed me to see the signs of the narcissistic abuse I have been enduring and the freedom to walk away.

[Anne Riddick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome

This book is validating supportive understanding. Truly a gift from God. The way the truth and the life. With God all things are possible. All things work together for good for those who love zGof

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A validation

[Kari.Woodall · Rating 5 out of 5]

defining moments, know your value and nothing less

After dealing with an estranged narcissistic adult child and growing from the trauma bond, after joining some support groups, continued hours of listening to Joel Osteen messages, therapy, I’m very happy I across this book that has helped with my healing and helping me bring awareness to the narcissist pandemic that seems to be on the rise.

Highly recommend this book who has been involved in an any form of narcissistic relationship. I really wish topics like this were more discussions in early childhood development awareness along side self awareness, and self obedience. We teach our kids how to protect themselves from stranger danger, narcissistic people should be included, there’s so much more we need to teach our kids so they become better productive and equipped adults. I hope more adults will read this book to help better their world and others.

Out of so many wonderful quotes and advice the book offered, the one that really resonated with me was “You can’t change someone, no matter how much you want to. You can’t do enough to make some people happy. You can’t solve a relationship problem if the other person wants to keep the problem. You can only go so far until you can’t go any further. So true, I’ve learned dealing with narcissistic people, is like dealing with an addict. Unless they see the problem, their own behavior, there’s nothing you can do, but step away, wish them well, and move forward, it’s the only way you can find peace from their choices and their consequences, and protect the children who get caught up in this. Definitely a book that is going into my library for future reference.

Thank you Chelsey Brooke Cole from the bottom of my heart

[Drew Como · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was fortunate enough to be part of the launch team for this book and have access to an early copy.

I was personally in a narcissistic and abusive relationship for about a year and upon 'escaping' it, I was on an obsessive journey looking for answers. I spent hours every day watching YouTube videos and learning everything that I could about this toxic personality disorder. How to spot a narcissist and ultimately, how not to fall for it again.

Through my exploration, I learned about Chelsey - Who she was, and what her background is. I quickly gravitated toward her posts and newsletters. Through these, I learned she was writing a book and became very interested.

I just finished the book a few days ago and I'm still reflecting on what I read. I thought I knew everything there was to learn about narcissism, but page by page, chapter by chapter, I found there was so much I didn’t know. Topics that were never covered by anyone else, and if they were covered by others, Chelsey explains them in a new, fresh, and different way, with such clarity and detail.

I'm not a book reader at all... However, I was drawn to this book and while it did take me a few weeks to go through it, I completed it...

I'm also glad to say, it's the best book that I have ever read, hands down!

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

There comes a time in life when you stumble upon something that you didn't know you ever needed. This book was that for me. For far too long, I was walking around caught in an invisible web that I had no idea I was trapped in. Or did I? As the pages of this book began to shed light upon my own story, the view started to come into focus like an illuminating light shining on the darkness. Once the curtain was pulled back, I couldn't unsee the cast of characters left standing there unmasked and exposed.

Chelsey takes a very complex, sometimes controversial subject and breaks it down in such a way that you feel like she is speaking only to you. I felt seen, heard, validated and supported by someone who gets it and has the clinical experience to educate about it.

She breaks the chapters down into 3 easy to digest and understand sections:

The inner workings of a narcissist
Finding yourself
Healing your past, present and future

All are necessary and needed to walk through this journey to healing. I'm stronger because of it and I'm already making positive changes in my life. My mental, emotional, and physical health are already seeing the benefits!

[Dee Stefano · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished reading the book and it is packed with incredible insights and extremely 'real' content....whether you are dealing with a narcissist or 'think' you are....Chelsey addressed it all...she didn't miss anything!! Completely resonating from start to finish. This book was loaded with triggers that you may as well have been in a live SWAT Team take down just trying to survive the narc rounds!!...but these triggers are factual, and Chelsey, being so professional, intelligent, and knowledgeable in her guidance, has found a way to make us relate to this reality with harsh truths and personal parallels, but also, with loaded self healing and positive mechanisms for us to move forward with our hurt, and healing, and grab back the life we once knew, but with waaaaay more life lessons, experience, and growth added!! A must read for many, who are stuck, or who simply want to learn more about narcissism. I can't wait for the actual book to arrive so I can spread your wisdom to others in need. Great job Chelsey and thank you!!

[Sandi G · Rating 5 out of 5]

Coming from a dark place, I felt very much alone in my experiences. While reading “If Only I’d Known!”, I felt validated because it was as though Chelsey had been there with me – describing the identical things I endured. I didn’t know what it was and certainly didn’t know what to call it. Her insight has brought significant clarity to my world.

Over the years I struggled to understand why I was being treated the way I was – none of it made any sense. ”If Only I’d Known!” is an excellent read for anyone working on trying to understand “The Why” behind behaviors they are experiencing.

From family roles and patterns to surviving narcissistic abuse – how can I move on? Strategies are aimed toward not only recovery but doing so with one’s dignity and self-respect intact. Explaining how our focus lends itself toward our healing, we learn how to give ourselves compassion and understanding as we travel down the road to recovery. Once I finished this book, the constant that played over and over for me was, ‘If Only I’d Known!’.

[Florence Héaulme · Rating 5 out of 5]

Chelsey Brooke Cole's book is amazingly easy to read , considering the subject.
It really helps learn about the narcissists's behavioral patterns and helps recognize the signs that you can feel when you face one. Something we should be taught early in life.
Most of all, the books gives tools and tips to start healing from emotional abuse.
Her words relate so much.
When you read, it feels like she's here, next to you, ready and willing to listen and help you go through the pain you're experiencing and at the same time, you know she'll be there when you have healed too.
The book actually helps outsmart narcs and set boundaries to protect yourself and save your inner peace.
The best read of the year for me

[Carol Kichens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read for anyone who feels like there is something off in a parent or partner who makes everything about them. If you feel like you have experienced gaslighting, manipulation, etc. from someone that should love you this is for you. Knowledge is the beginning of the journey to healing and this book will give you knowledge and understanding about what you are dealing with and how to move forward. She is extremely knowledgeable on this subject. I highly recommend reading this book and absorbing the facts to help you understand that you are not the broken piece where your parent or partner is trying to convince you that you are the problem. Stay strong and good luck. A definite must read.

[Myiah (storygraph) audiobook_junkie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book!!! THIS BOOK!! WOW!!

Having lived with a narcissist and have since moved out, this book REALLY made me open my eyes to what I went through! The guilt, denial, second guessing, it all makes sense now!

My favorite aspect of this book is that the author doesn’t sugar coat anything! she tells it HOW IT IS! Wanna set boundaries? she gives advice about that. the narcissist is the person you love? she gives advice about dealing with that? you want to make sure you’re not “overthinking”, the author provides many questionnaires for you to answer!

I’m so glad I finally read this book and even shared it with people who have either been in a previous narcissistic relationship, just left one, and is currently in one. I hope this book helps them breathe a little easier.

[Kristin Loessel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you so much for this. Going thru a rough divorce that he continually told me he's a good person and I need therapy. This enlightened me that it wasn't me. So many topics I turned and thought is that me? Then as I read on and get deeper it validated it wasn't me. Book was spot on to behaviors and actions that were portrayed on me. Spot on to explaining how some of his actions could be due to repressed actions of his parents divorce, and how his parents treated him thru and after their divorce. Definitely highly recommended and will continue to read this over again in the coming year to make sure I'm following helpful tips to recover healthy.

[Tracy Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This brilliantly written book is a must-read for anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse, whether it be in the workplace, in your social circles, or at home.

Chelsey provides validation and information for those stuck in confusing and chaotic relationships; for those who have lost their entire sense of self-worth; and for those who need clarification on whether what they are feeling is normal.

She provides passionate insight into the inner workings of a narcissist, and her writing brings a sense of calm to the chaos that has become of your mind, as well as providing processes to assist you in your healing journey.