I haven't had to deal with the loss of a loved one many times in my life. I am extremely thankful I haven't had someone close to me pass away for a very long time. I do, however, have this vivid memory of visiting my grandfather in Florida as a child. I'm not sure I completely understood at the time why I was going down to visit. At that point in my life, I had only happy memories of visiting my grandparents in Florida - going to Busch Gardens, swimming in their pools, travelling to entertaining attractions - it was always a vacation in the true sense of the word.
I remember bits and pieces of the building we went to. Sidewalks and trees, welcoming, comfortable. I think I remember that grandpa was sick, and we were paying him a visit. Inside, things were quiet. Someone showed us into a room, and there was grandpa in a bed. He looked different. He was surrounded by tubes, like a statue covered in vines. He was dying from Alzheimers.
I remember that he couldn't make words, only sounds. I remember his face clearly, his mouth open wide, as we surrounded his bed. I remember my parents speaking to him like nothing was wrong, fussing over blankets, asking how he was feeling, pointing my sister and I out to him, keeping it together in a way I'm not sure I could have were I in their position. I remember standing quietly, not hearing what anyone else was saying, staring at my grandfather's eyes, and all I could think was, what is he seeing right now? What were we to him at that moment? Were we figures that pulled associations and memory to the forefront of his recognition, like a magnet attracting the past? Or were we bits of smoke and shadow, forming unclear visions that eventually become transparent?
He was being sustained, until eventually he wasn't.
I was close to someone in college who lost their father in adolescence. He was a police officer who lost his life during the night. When her family called to tell her the news, it was late, and her cellphone was off. She didn't find out until the next day. From then on, she never turned her cellphone off. Her phone would light my dark room like a flare, screaming out various tones at full volume at three in the morning. I remember being annoyed and confused, wondering why she couldn't just turn the thing off, until I learned why. Each time the phone went off, it was a reminder. He was sustained in the sound and in the light.
I have had a very privileged life. I don't know too much about real loss and real pain. I don't know too much about minor loss or physical pain either. I've never been in a fight, and I've never even broken a bone. Despite it being abundantly clear that these things should obviously be avoided, it's hard not to be curious about such fundamental aspects of life. I wonder what a fight would feel like. I wonder how I'd react to a broken leg. And I even wonder about death.
The main character in Bennett Sims' extraordinary novel has a significant other and a best friend who have dealt with incredible loss. His girlfriend lost a father to cancer. His best friend's father is missing, and the search to find him is the spine of this novel. However, there is a unique circumstance in this book that is hard to ignore.
This is a world in the midst of a zombie epidemic.
Don't make the mistake that this is one of those books.
It's less about the world of the epidemic; it's more a relfection of how we adapt and move on, even under the most unbelievable circumstances. The zombie world presented is understated -- the worst outbreak of the undead has been contained, with life returning somewhat to normal, as the remaining loose zombies are rounded up unhurriedly. The narrator and his friend, Mazoch, are resigned to the fact that Mazoch's missing father has probably been bitten, and he is probably going to have to be put down or contained.
There is very little action in this book. It is not what you would typically expect from a book featuring the undead. Instead, Sims goes into brilliant philosophical observations about what it means to be between death and life, how the undead must think, what they can actually understand, and what compels them to do anything they do. The narrator is obsessed with understanding the undead state, eventually leading his girlfriend to wonder if he wishes he would be bitten himself, just to find out what it is like.
It is a wonderful, bizarre and surreal way to look at death - but that is exactly what Sims is doing. The undead are the memories of those we've lost, no longer alive, but not ready to die. Through our three main characters, we see how their past experiences shape what each one sees when they look at the reanimated corpses of what used to be people.
There are so many terrific observations on many different things, from dealing with memories, to moving on from loss, to living life and not getting caught up in trying too hard to understand. This is truly a very unique book full of insight, dealing with topics ranging from vast importance to lighthearted observations. Yes, it's written in a very David Foster Wallace-y way: the vocabulary is extensive, there are footnotes of digression, and attempts at understanding the Big questions on every page. And yes, it's easy to focus on the zombie aspects, as that is all the rage these days. But for me, it provided valuable insight on how to live with the "zombie" memories of loss - not to regard them with fear and anger, but to take them when you can get them. Even when the memory is ugly or frightening or sad, there is still a part of who you're missing in it, and that is something that should be cherished, not destroyed.