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How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser
Presenting some groundbreaking ideas, this book prompts a radical reappraisal of how we think about and understand male intimate abuse and violence. This book uncovers the layers of covert tactics which men employ to establish and maintain control over their intimate partner. By deepening our understanding of what is going on the author suggests that we can develop a more efficient and consistent response to the issue.
274 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2012
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595 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
March 22, 2018
A must read for women everywhere and those that care about a love one in a bad relationship. Clearly written with great insight, this book changes the question from "Why does she not just leave" to explain why a woman may find herself in an abusive relationship and unable to leave. Equal parts insightful and heartbreaking.
December 26, 2019
A must read for everyone from teenagers to adults. This book offers self care, caution, and some guidance to identify psychephiles and helping abuse victims.
The first half of the book is very interesting as Don Hennesy shared tons of facts and experiences from his professional career counselling victims of abuse. However the second half feels repetitive though it helps readers to remember the patterns of psychephiles' behaviours (targeting, setting up, grooming) and their targets. It helped me understood why people I know who are in toxic relationships do not separate-even if they know their partner is abusive/ manipulative.
The last chapter provides a useful summary and guidance to remind what has been discussed in the book.
I wanted to say that this book is underrated but since it recieves more than 4 stars on Goodreads so I would just say overall this book should be more popular.
The first half of the book is very interesting as Don Hennesy shared tons of facts and experiences from his professional career counselling victims of abuse. However the second half feels repetitive though it helps readers to remember the patterns of psychephiles' behaviours (targeting, setting up, grooming) and their targets. It helped me understood why people I know who are in toxic relationships do not separate-even if they know their partner is abusive/ manipulative.
The last chapter provides a useful summary and guidance to remind what has been discussed in the book.
I wanted to say that this book is underrated but since it recieves more than 4 stars on Goodreads so I would just say overall this book should be more popular.
August 9, 2018
Don Hennessey offers detailed insight into the motivations and actions of the male intimate abuser and the victim's/survivor's response as well as the resulting long-term effects of abuse on the victim/survivor. Definitely worth reading if you work in the counseling industry or have ever experienced intimate abuse and would like to understand the dynamics of domestic abuse/violence.
December 10, 2020
I felt the organization of the book was a bit scattered and repetitive. It read almost like a lecture. BUT a very important, insightful lecture. After working as a victim advocate for 5 years, this book gave me a lot of applicable knowledge I had not attained through experience alone or through professional training. I have suggested this book to every advocate in my office.
July 11, 2025
A lot of information to absorb and too much to even begin to write about. All I know is that every counselor, therapist, woman and girl… and every person in the world… needs to read this. Don Hennessy is a true advocate for abused woman and wrote this with such tact and knowledge.
June 16, 2019
This book gave me answers...to questions like, does he know what he is doing to me? Is it intentional? How did I end up in such a terrible, controlling, abusive relationship? Hennessy has worked for decades with the women who have been basically brainwashed by their intimate partners and then daily been abused and controlled to one degree or another. These intimate abusers are often outwardly pleasing to other people, but to their partners, they are intentional about gaining and maintaining control and dominance so that their own wants and desires get met.
Hennessy exposes their tactics, the impacts upon the women, how a woman needs to be believed and supported, and how communities need to improve in confronting these destructive behaviors.
Sanity after so much confusion. Hope after helplessness. I go back to this book often.
Hennessy exposes their tactics, the impacts upon the women, how a woman needs to be believed and supported, and how communities need to improve in confronting these destructive behaviors.
Sanity after so much confusion. Hope after helplessness. I go back to this book often.
October 18, 2021
Don Hennessy’s “How He Gets Into Her Head” is not an easy read but has been helpful in understanding the mind of a skilled abuser. Two years ago, we learned that a loved one had been the victim of emotional, psychological, and some physical abuse. Lights then began to come on as we found reasons behind things we had long questioned.
According to the author’s experience, children are also in danger since the skilled abuser “not only wishes to control the child but also wishes to use the child to further abuse the non-abusive parent” (p. 193). The weaponizing of children is despicable!
“The effect of the psychephile lives on in the spirit of the target woman and any children who have witnessed or experienced his influence” (p. 175). While that statement may be true, it is also possible to see confidence, joy, and peace restored to the target woman through patient and consistent counseling, listening ears, help from the church community and its leadership, and freedom from the abuser. The road may be hard and challenging, but it is do-able with grace.
According to the author’s experience, children are also in danger since the skilled abuser “not only wishes to control the child but also wishes to use the child to further abuse the non-abusive parent” (p. 193). The weaponizing of children is despicable!
“The effect of the psychephile lives on in the spirit of the target woman and any children who have witnessed or experienced his influence” (p. 175). While that statement may be true, it is also possible to see confidence, joy, and peace restored to the target woman through patient and consistent counseling, listening ears, help from the church community and its leadership, and freedom from the abuser. The road may be hard and challenging, but it is do-able with grace.
January 22, 2022
Vienos minties knyga, kurią labai gerai apglėbia pavadinimas. Įtariu, kad skaitydama originalo kalba būčiau geriau įvertinusi. Daugelis išverstų sąvokų ir autoriaus naudojamų terminų svetimi lietuvių kalboje įsitvirtinusiam žodynui ir ne iki galo aišku, ar tai yra siūlomi autoriaus terminai (jis apie kalbos ir apibrėžimų svarbą labai daug kalba), ar vertėjos pasirinkimas, kaip smagiau. Kalbant apie turinį, tai elegancijos dėstymui trūksta, bet tą pagrindinę mintį pavyksta apžiūrėti iš visų pusių gana neblogai. Ypatingai dirbantiems smurto lyties pagrindu, lyčių (ne)lygybės ir žmogaus teisių klausimais labai rekomenduoju perskaityti. O ir visiems kitiems neprošal. Kuo daugiau apsišvietusių šia tema, tuo greičiau pavyks iš tiesų vyrų smurtą patiriančioms moterims.
November 12, 2021
He has most everything correct but addressing global government and their patriarchy regime must be done and it must be done first! He does understand the mind of the male narcissist extremely well.
October 26, 2022
I ordered this book through interlibrary loan and was interested enough in it that I read it fairly quickly. Having said that, this is not a light, self-help-type read. The intended audience is not the victim. The audience is anyone in society who cares that there is a victim. Hennessy works in the field of domestic violence on a national, director's level and offers profound insights.
One of my major takeaways is that domestic-violence work is different from counseling: professionals in the field of DV understand that the only goal is to move the victim into safety. The victim cannot be effectively counseled until she is safe, and she will not and cannot be safe until she is apart from her abuser. Only after she is apart can she begin to remove the abuser's voice from her head; therefore, nothing she says while she is under the control of the abuser can be fully trusted. She will minimize her own experience, take responsibility for things she should not, and slip into the abuser's narrative. Professionals in the field of DV do not value confidentiality. They do make the victim the client: not both parties. One reason for this is that the abuser is talented and can easily sway the professional (and anyone else with whom he comes in contact). Abuse is never acceptable, and anyone who assigns any responsibility to the victim, for any reason, colludes with the abuser.
For example, while a counselor might encourage communication between the parties (i.e., hold the victim partially responsible for the problems in the relationship), professionals in the field of DV understand that the victim should not speak to her abuser. Any information she gives him is likely to be used against her. He will twist her words, share her secrets, and--if she tells him what hurts her--he will purposefully engage in that behavior all the more.
Hennessy explains that abuse is deliberate and can be stopped immediately, but the abuser is not likely to stop unless the consequences for abusing are greater than the rewards. This is rarely the case, and we come to understand that--even when it is--the abuser stops abusing for his own sake and not his victim's. The entitled, controlling character of the abuser is such that he begins his work from Day 1. He chooses his victim for her kindness, and it is under the guise of love that he begins his work. Over time, he breaks her down. Specifically, he brainwashes her. He is also likely to rape, injure, and/or kill her.
A final, interesting takeaway is that Hennessy believes that sexual control is at the heart of all intimate abuse.
One of my major takeaways is that domestic-violence work is different from counseling: professionals in the field of DV understand that the only goal is to move the victim into safety. The victim cannot be effectively counseled until she is safe, and she will not and cannot be safe until she is apart from her abuser. Only after she is apart can she begin to remove the abuser's voice from her head; therefore, nothing she says while she is under the control of the abuser can be fully trusted. She will minimize her own experience, take responsibility for things she should not, and slip into the abuser's narrative. Professionals in the field of DV do not value confidentiality. They do make the victim the client: not both parties. One reason for this is that the abuser is talented and can easily sway the professional (and anyone else with whom he comes in contact). Abuse is never acceptable, and anyone who assigns any responsibility to the victim, for any reason, colludes with the abuser.
For example, while a counselor might encourage communication between the parties (i.e., hold the victim partially responsible for the problems in the relationship), professionals in the field of DV understand that the victim should not speak to her abuser. Any information she gives him is likely to be used against her. He will twist her words, share her secrets, and--if she tells him what hurts her--he will purposefully engage in that behavior all the more.
Hennessy explains that abuse is deliberate and can be stopped immediately, but the abuser is not likely to stop unless the consequences for abusing are greater than the rewards. This is rarely the case, and we come to understand that--even when it is--the abuser stops abusing for his own sake and not his victim's. The entitled, controlling character of the abuser is such that he begins his work from Day 1. He chooses his victim for her kindness, and it is under the guise of love that he begins his work. Over time, he breaks her down. Specifically, he brainwashes her. He is also likely to rape, injure, and/or kill her.
A final, interesting takeaway is that Hennessy believes that sexual control is at the heart of all intimate abuse.
March 1, 2024
Don Hennessey has spent decades working within the field of domestic violence, with it's victims and indeed it's perpetrators. His wealth of knowledge and experience has been condensed into this highly informative yet harrowing read.
Throughout the book Don details a mine of information about how DV starts, why victims are picked, the horrific implications (both psychological and physical) and how to engage with both victims and perpetrators alike.
Hennessey delves deep into the psyche of the male abuser, explores their many lacking moral underpinnings and shines a mirror on just how destructive, manipulative and damaging their behaviours are.
My only issue with the book was that the writing style itself felt clunky and repetitive. Unfortunately the layout of the book leads to a lot of repetition and discussion of the same concepts which may put some readers off.
A must read for all, especially front line workers. The problem of Domestic Violence is such a systemic one which is rampant throughout Ireland and this books makes a monumental attempt at beginning to tackle that.
Throughout the book Don details a mine of information about how DV starts, why victims are picked, the horrific implications (both psychological and physical) and how to engage with both victims and perpetrators alike.
Hennessey delves deep into the psyche of the male abuser, explores their many lacking moral underpinnings and shines a mirror on just how destructive, manipulative and damaging their behaviours are.
My only issue with the book was that the writing style itself felt clunky and repetitive. Unfortunately the layout of the book leads to a lot of repetition and discussion of the same concepts which may put some readers off.
A must read for all, especially front line workers. The problem of Domestic Violence is such a systemic one which is rampant throughout Ireland and this books makes a monumental attempt at beginning to tackle that.
December 18, 2021
Knygos turinys turėtų būti dėstomas mokyklose ir universitetuose paskaitų, seminarų, konferencijų formatu bent kartą per metus. Tai yra privalomos žinios kiekvienam žmogui. Sunkiai paaiškinamas psichologinis smurtas čia išdėstomas nuosekliai ir neįtikėtinai aiškiai.
Smurtautojas, nusikaltėlis - tinkamiausios sąvokos asmeniui, kuris nebūtinai palieka smurtines žymes. Kai kurios jų nematomos ir sunkiai atpažįstamos net specialistų. Knygos vertimas į lietuvių kalbą nuostabus.
Seksualinis privilegijuotumas sunkiai įveiktinas, bet jį nugalėti įmanoma tik nustojus toleruoti smurtą (taip, mes jį toleruojame).
Viešajame diskurse vis kalbama apie moters teisę pasakyti "ne". Tačiau "seksualinis integralumas b[us] kiekvieno žmogaus teisė, [...] kai bus akcentuojama ne moters teisė pasakyti "ne", o vyro atsakomybė gauti leidimą." (p. 255)
Smurtautojas, nusikaltėlis - tinkamiausios sąvokos asmeniui, kuris nebūtinai palieka smurtines žymes. Kai kurios jų nematomos ir sunkiai atpažįstamos net specialistų. Knygos vertimas į lietuvių kalbą nuostabus.
Seksualinis privilegijuotumas sunkiai įveiktinas, bet jį nugalėti įmanoma tik nustojus toleruoti smurtą (taip, mes jį toleruojame).
Viešajame diskurse vis kalbama apie moters teisę pasakyti "ne". Tačiau "seksualinis integralumas b[us] kiekvieno žmogaus teisė, [...] kai bus akcentuojama ne moters teisė pasakyti "ne", o vyro atsakomybė gauti leidimą." (p. 255)
May 10, 2020
The content is fantastic. I did find the writing style hard to follow at times, and oftentimes repetitive. I wouldn’t call it a concise explanation. However the content and ideas are good. I think how convoluted the wording comes across at times might make it an inaccessible text to some. Though in saying that I do acknowledge it seems he’s communicating to an audience of counselors and other skilled helpers.
June 7, 2020
Presenting some ground-breaking ideas, this book prompts a radical reappraisal of how we think about and understand male intimate abuse and violence. The author details the similarities in tactices and motivation between the paedophile and the male intimate abuser. He has found that by explaining these tactices to victims he has released many of them from the mind-control that they have experienced.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 17, 2020
From a purely literary perspective, the book is quite redundant. However, there is no other information out there on the topic of domestic abuse that comes from the unique perspective from which the author writes. He has access to the thoughts, intentions, and patterns of abusive men that can quite literally be life saving for victims. This should be required reading for every domestic violence professional.
March 12, 2025
A very insightful book about male abusers, how they operate, and how they carefully manipulate women into accepting their aggressive behaviors. A great read for women to reconsider what true love and passion mean. There is a lot of evil in this world and many men will fake feelings like love and pain just to get sympathy and victimize kind, vulnerable women. The negative thing is that in many pages the book seems unnecessarily repetitive.
September 11, 2022
Clear analysis
This book clarifies many of the issues in dealing with intimate parrner abuse. Excellent for both those who are survivors and those working with target women.
This book clarifies many of the issues in dealing with intimate parrner abuse. Excellent for both those who are survivors and those working with target women.
November 13, 2025
Thorough Book!
I liked how thorough this book was. It really gets you thinking and opens your mind. Valuable information and well written.
I liked how thorough this book was. It really gets you thinking and opens your mind. Valuable information and well written.
December 30, 2015
This book should be studied in high schools across the globe to call out and try and prevent abusive behaviours from developing in to adulthood!
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews