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The Heart of the 5 Love Languages
In this GIFT-SIZED ABRIDGED VERSION of the #1 New York Times bestselling book The 5 Love Languages , you'll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman's proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner-starting today.
80 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2008
346 people are currently reading
4599 people want to read
About the author
Gary Chapman
582 books3,512 followersGary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 416 reviews
June 23, 2021
If you, like myself, are an unmarried, childless person juggling several jobs and passions, still openly exploring what unbetrothed life has to offer while trying to get by, not troubling much with thoughts of what married life would be like, should you read this book?
No, not unless you want all your dreams of true love to pop on the first page.
Spare yourself stories about people with disintegrating relationships who've discovered that what they'd been taught to think of as the "American Dream" while growing up does not, in fact, equal happiness or success. You may find yourself disgruntled by dumbed-down, blanket statements (i.e.: "Some parts of the body are more sensitive than others."), often redundant lists of examples, and you may be put-off altogether by overtly chauvinistic attitudes ("He wants me to stay home all day and work in the house...He gets mad if I go see my mother or go shopping.").
So, you might want to pass on the reading, but should you be aware of the love languages and ponder which you and those close to you use to express and receive love?
Yes. Absolutely.
Discussing differences between the love languages; which we are most drawn to and the possible reasons why, helps us explore the ways humans have constantly expressed love through the ages and discover more about ourselves psychologically.
The idea and incentive of the book is wonderful and revolutionary. My problem is in the very small audience it caters to. Namely, American christians who have paid vacation days and Jacuzzis.
Dr. Chapman has found absolution by choosing Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, which is beautiful. Faith, like love, is a many-splendored thing and possibly the greatest force in the world. However, should all of his quotes be lines from the Bible? Should all of his patients also be Christians, who live in "communities" and attend church twice every Sunday? What about all of the other great teachers throughout history who live by enforcing the importance of love and compassion?? I wish the book were more diverse and accepting of other peace-loving walks. I wish the book transcended labels and focused on love for what it is, no matter the avenue.
I ask for a little imagination. Climbing the corporate ladder, having a house, cars, money and a spouse is not the way everyone wants to live. Dr. Chapman states that he's changed the names of the patients he references to names like "Pete and Patsy", or "Brent and Becky". Yet, why did I find no less than 4 women named "Mary"? FOUR. Flipping. MARYS. And a town called Maryville.
Complaints aside, you should know what this book is before you read it. It is a self-help book for married couples who are experiencing challenges within the marriage and having adverse feelings toward their spouse.
I do not recommend this as a book for everyone, but the idea of the 5 love languages is something that has and will continue to be an intriguing topic of conversation for years to come.
No, not unless you want all your dreams of true love to pop on the first page.
Spare yourself stories about people with disintegrating relationships who've discovered that what they'd been taught to think of as the "American Dream" while growing up does not, in fact, equal happiness or success. You may find yourself disgruntled by dumbed-down, blanket statements (i.e.: "Some parts of the body are more sensitive than others."), often redundant lists of examples, and you may be put-off altogether by overtly chauvinistic attitudes ("He wants me to stay home all day and work in the house...He gets mad if I go see my mother or go shopping.").
So, you might want to pass on the reading, but should you be aware of the love languages and ponder which you and those close to you use to express and receive love?
Yes. Absolutely.
Discussing differences between the love languages; which we are most drawn to and the possible reasons why, helps us explore the ways humans have constantly expressed love through the ages and discover more about ourselves psychologically.
The idea and incentive of the book is wonderful and revolutionary. My problem is in the very small audience it caters to. Namely, American christians who have paid vacation days and Jacuzzis.
Dr. Chapman has found absolution by choosing Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, which is beautiful. Faith, like love, is a many-splendored thing and possibly the greatest force in the world. However, should all of his quotes be lines from the Bible? Should all of his patients also be Christians, who live in "communities" and attend church twice every Sunday? What about all of the other great teachers throughout history who live by enforcing the importance of love and compassion?? I wish the book were more diverse and accepting of other peace-loving walks. I wish the book transcended labels and focused on love for what it is, no matter the avenue.
I ask for a little imagination. Climbing the corporate ladder, having a house, cars, money and a spouse is not the way everyone wants to live. Dr. Chapman states that he's changed the names of the patients he references to names like "Pete and Patsy", or "Brent and Becky". Yet, why did I find no less than 4 women named "Mary"? FOUR. Flipping. MARYS. And a town called Maryville.
Complaints aside, you should know what this book is before you read it. It is a self-help book for married couples who are experiencing challenges within the marriage and having adverse feelings toward their spouse.
I do not recommend this as a book for everyone, but the idea of the 5 love languages is something that has and will continue to be an intriguing topic of conversation for years to come.
February 25, 2011
I truly enjoyed reading this book. I am very weary of books that discuss marriage and how to work out problems in a marriage. I feel like alot of marriage books can be a little too extreme and can vear you down a path that may not be the best path.
However, this book was very different. Gary Chapman discusses 5 Love Languages. Quality Time. Words of Affirmation. Physical Touch. Acts of Service. Gifts. He talks about how everyone has a different love language and in a marriage it's important to understand our partners love language and do our best to "speak" it. He also discusses that it isn't an easy task to do so. For example: My love language is receiving gifts whether they are thoughtful, homemade, tangible, or just doing something nice for me. My spouse isn't always good at doing this. However, we learned from the book that if you aren't speaking your partners love language then they start to feel unloved. So for me a gift can be doing the dishes, making the bed, taking me out to dinner ot a movie, buying me an unexpected gift, etc., etc.
It was very interesting to read and to learn that everyone wishes to be treated a different way in order to feel loved. I found it to be very inspiring.
However, this book was very different. Gary Chapman discusses 5 Love Languages. Quality Time. Words of Affirmation. Physical Touch. Acts of Service. Gifts. He talks about how everyone has a different love language and in a marriage it's important to understand our partners love language and do our best to "speak" it. He also discusses that it isn't an easy task to do so. For example: My love language is receiving gifts whether they are thoughtful, homemade, tangible, or just doing something nice for me. My spouse isn't always good at doing this. However, we learned from the book that if you aren't speaking your partners love language then they start to feel unloved. So for me a gift can be doing the dishes, making the bed, taking me out to dinner ot a movie, buying me an unexpected gift, etc., etc.
It was very interesting to read and to learn that everyone wishes to be treated a different way in order to feel loved. I found it to be very inspiring.
June 2, 2020
Review Continued - Part Two; Best read with Part One First!
I swear to God that twice this year, we were on the brink of divorce due to the Printer. Like when I need Jaden’s letter to a college coach printed ASAP and the printer decides to act temperamental and break? Or he needs something printed and it doesn’t go? When he needs me to write a check and make a phonecall, I have to put aside my own to do’s and make sure it happens damn quick, with almost no delay. When we came home New Years Day, flying back so that Scott could go to his stepmother’s funeral, (let me digress and say that funerals are his thing. The way holidays and the bar mitzvahs and college and SAT prep is mine. Any person who is Acts of Service steps up here, and does what it takes for a week to manage his father and his affairs, and everything related to the funeral). Anyway, we come home late and exhausted, and the refrigerator has died. No one has unpacked, and he has a turn around just a few hours later, and there is a smell, and odor, and food needs to be thrown out and cleaned, and things unpacked, everyone ready for school. That was tense, but we got through it. And he had to let me completely step up that week, and take care of everything here 100%. But a week later, I said, I need you back. Because I am a 100% kind of person and parent, and neither of us can be who we are without the other. We are overboard, what the kids call “extra”. And because we are too much, we can yell and scream, and get anxious, and panicked, but we get the job done. Both of us kill ourselves to do beyond what’s necessary in work and in life, and at times, its just too much. Thank God for Words of Affirmation being our next fluent language, because we need the appreciation. How much and how oftern are we saying to the kids, you should make sure to thank Mom or Dad for all they are doing for you (they do). See how Dad cleaned your sneakers, stood out in the rain for your game, how Mom busts her back for every history test and essay, and is an in- home college counselor and test prep tutor, History and English teacher, and has read through Harry Potter with each kid 2.5 times. I suppose you could also call that Quality Time. Except it’s a huge commitment that is more in line with the little and huge things we do, for and with these kids. Attitude of Gratitude is a family motto, and the words of affirmation are so often about acknowledging the Acts of Service that are going on around here. And we are constantly talking about believing in these kids and each other and in acknowledging when and how each of us shine. And its part of who they are too. The development of a person is something we have taken seriously, and their ability to lead, and lead with kindness and with words of affirmation have been a joint goal and one of the things we are most proud of.
Anyway, to end my review, instead of telling you all how I tried to figure out my kids ways/modes of loving, and really appreciated in the book the part about how those dialects have to change as they age, I’m just going to share one last thing about Scott. The other day, there I am running in the heat, listening to my audio of the five love languages, and after 2.8 miles, I am nearing the corner to home, and there is Scott, two blocks before home. And without the dog. What is he doing there, and without the dog, I am wondering? Clearly waiting for me, is everything ok? He is standing there in the heat, two blocks before home, and in his hand is a water bottle for me. I think I just about fell in love with him all over again, 24 years later. Because this is who he is, and how he thinks, lives, and loves. I have often joked and perhaps it’s a bad joke, that he can’t do better than me. But the truth is, even though I can get a little crazy, and life isn’t perfect. Sometimes quite tense…. I know without a doubt, that I can’t do better than him. And that his first thought is always, how can I be there for her and for them. This is the premise of the book. You can change your love language, or learn a new one. Maybe we just got lucky enough to drive each other crazy with our similarities. But you have to want to learn how to love more deeply and be courageous enough to try. You have to want to love.
I swear to God that twice this year, we were on the brink of divorce due to the Printer. Like when I need Jaden’s letter to a college coach printed ASAP and the printer decides to act temperamental and break? Or he needs something printed and it doesn’t go? When he needs me to write a check and make a phonecall, I have to put aside my own to do’s and make sure it happens damn quick, with almost no delay. When we came home New Years Day, flying back so that Scott could go to his stepmother’s funeral, (let me digress and say that funerals are his thing. The way holidays and the bar mitzvahs and college and SAT prep is mine. Any person who is Acts of Service steps up here, and does what it takes for a week to manage his father and his affairs, and everything related to the funeral). Anyway, we come home late and exhausted, and the refrigerator has died. No one has unpacked, and he has a turn around just a few hours later, and there is a smell, and odor, and food needs to be thrown out and cleaned, and things unpacked, everyone ready for school. That was tense, but we got through it. And he had to let me completely step up that week, and take care of everything here 100%. But a week later, I said, I need you back. Because I am a 100% kind of person and parent, and neither of us can be who we are without the other. We are overboard, what the kids call “extra”. And because we are too much, we can yell and scream, and get anxious, and panicked, but we get the job done. Both of us kill ourselves to do beyond what’s necessary in work and in life, and at times, its just too much. Thank God for Words of Affirmation being our next fluent language, because we need the appreciation. How much and how oftern are we saying to the kids, you should make sure to thank Mom or Dad for all they are doing for you (they do). See how Dad cleaned your sneakers, stood out in the rain for your game, how Mom busts her back for every history test and essay, and is an in- home college counselor and test prep tutor, History and English teacher, and has read through Harry Potter with each kid 2.5 times. I suppose you could also call that Quality Time. Except it’s a huge commitment that is more in line with the little and huge things we do, for and with these kids. Attitude of Gratitude is a family motto, and the words of affirmation are so often about acknowledging the Acts of Service that are going on around here. And we are constantly talking about believing in these kids and each other and in acknowledging when and how each of us shine. And its part of who they are too. The development of a person is something we have taken seriously, and their ability to lead, and lead with kindness and with words of affirmation have been a joint goal and one of the things we are most proud of.
Anyway, to end my review, instead of telling you all how I tried to figure out my kids ways/modes of loving, and really appreciated in the book the part about how those dialects have to change as they age, I’m just going to share one last thing about Scott. The other day, there I am running in the heat, listening to my audio of the five love languages, and after 2.8 miles, I am nearing the corner to home, and there is Scott, two blocks before home. And without the dog. What is he doing there, and without the dog, I am wondering? Clearly waiting for me, is everything ok? He is standing there in the heat, two blocks before home, and in his hand is a water bottle for me. I think I just about fell in love with him all over again, 24 years later. Because this is who he is, and how he thinks, lives, and loves. I have often joked and perhaps it’s a bad joke, that he can’t do better than me. But the truth is, even though I can get a little crazy, and life isn’t perfect. Sometimes quite tense…. I know without a doubt, that I can’t do better than him. And that his first thought is always, how can I be there for her and for them. This is the premise of the book. You can change your love language, or learn a new one. Maybe we just got lucky enough to drive each other crazy with our similarities. But you have to want to learn how to love more deeply and be courageous enough to try. You have to want to love.
Read
January 22, 2025I'm reading this for our Book Club selection. It's pretty good. I can see a lot of truth in what Gary Chapman presents. I wish more people cared about their marriages and family relationships enough to read something like this so they can better understand each other. I heard a couple arguing in front of their kids just today in public and wished I could hand the book to them...but I borrowed it, so it wasn't mine to give!
May 19, 2014
The 5 languages themselves are cool and insightful. Struggled with the gender stereotypes, glaring enforcements of the gender binary, and the uniformly Christian nature of the text and examples. Was put off by the advice he gave a woman to try having more sex with a man she claimed to hate. I feel like chapman might not understand that having sex when you don't really want to can feel like self harm.
Then there was the unfounded rant against open marriages. Trying to remember that this was written in '92, because I think there's a lot of value to the concept of the languages.
Then there was the unfounded rant against open marriages. Trying to remember that this was written in '92, because I think there's a lot of value to the concept of the languages.
December 10, 2022
Sometimes you just need a refresher! 💕
February 27, 2021
This book might change your attitude towards your relationships. You will be aware of the reasons for your actions and decisions that you have made in your relationships. This book will help you to make your relationships with your spouse or kids or significant other much better.
February 26, 2009
I read this book quite some time ago. I generally don't read for enrichment, but this book is well worth it. It really clarified and explained how different kinds of people express their affection. It sure helped me understand others' non verbal communication. It was a good, fairly easy read with lots of wonderful wisdom in it.
December 19, 2014
My wife and I went through this book as a book study at our church. We found it to be an easy read and to be helpful. In some ways, we were doing some of the things we read about already. In other ways, it helped us become more aware of things we could be doing better. It's a real easy read and a couple (marriage, partner, significant other) you can go through it and get a lot out of it. However, if you do it with a group of people, most likely at your church, you do get a lot more out of it through discussion. I would definitely recommend this book.
April 11, 2015
Read some time ago, but a book to always look back at, as it offers clarity on the various ways others perceive/accept/offer their love. Enjoyed it! Gave me many, "uh-huh," "ohhh," and "wow" moments.
July 23, 2017
This was a re-read and will continue to be. It is a wake up call for all those who are in a relationship. It is a daily struggle for me to put my selfish needs aside and focus on what my wife needs in order for her to feel that she is loved. If she feels loved she will then be able to show me the love in a way that I need it.
Learning the different ways people feel loved and appreciated is important to a healthy relationship.
I strongly recommend that you read this book. It is written from a Christian point of view but the principles apply to everyone regardless of your faith.
Take a chance...what have you got to lose.
Learning the different ways people feel loved and appreciated is important to a healthy relationship.
I strongly recommend that you read this book. It is written from a Christian point of view but the principles apply to everyone regardless of your faith.
Take a chance...what have you got to lose.
August 11, 2025
Amazing, Amazing, AMAZING! Reading this book gave me such a different outlook on the love languages of life and not only how to express them but how to interpret them in another. 10/10 would recommend to anyone in a relationship, a parent, or even a friend learning the different ways to love someone through their specific love language is so beneficial! Obsessed with everything I’ve learned from this book. A grand total of 85 personal highlights!
December 31, 2018
I'm a fan of the 5 love languages and find a ton of value in them. However, this core synopsis (and perhaps the whole of the 5 love languages - I haven't read the full book) is specifically aimed at married couples, which really does nothing for single parents, children, siblings, friends, etc.
September 1, 2023
an interesting read! this is the type of non fiction i enjoy, short simple and easy to read! liked how the book was set out, the lists at the end of each love language chapter, the humour, the examples and references to other media. really enjoyed this!
October 29, 2018
I read this book again after 9 years of marriage and it was helpful to have a refresher. My husband, daughter and I each took the online test before I re-read so it helped me think through my experiences as I was reading. Simple concept that can help any relationship if applied.
January 14, 2025
Read the original so this was a good recap.
December 27, 2017
Fiancé and I had a fun time listening to it. Some of it was cheesy and a bit laugh-worthy but overall it was okay. We used it as a way to point out each others’ shortcomings which I’m pretty sure is the opposite of what he wants us to do but it was all in good fun.
December 4, 2021
I didn’t realize this was such a short book, I thought I was getting more of the love languages for spousal relationships. I’m pretty familiar with the love language books and the premise behind them. I believe in them so strongly I was hoping to glean a little extra from this one. It was great, but short and didn’t add much to my knowledge of the love languages. If you’re new to the concept, this is great, especially if you don’t have a lot of time to digest a long book. Getting it as an audiobook was great!
March 14, 2022
We read this together and it gave us a lot of insight on how we both want to be shown love, or how we prefer to be loved and how we show love and how we receive love can be different and how to speak each other's languages or at least make more of an attempt to.
January 30, 2024
Wow what a great read! It is definitely eye opening and great for every person to read. Even if your not in a relationship, this is great to apply to friendships, family relationships, etc. Definitely Christian in view but can be applied in every life no matter the faith. definitely a reread and one I will keep out always. It was such a great help to me And in noticing areas where I need to improve to better love my partner.
May 30, 2024
This book will definitely help in my marriage to come. Even though me an my fiancé do most of this stuff already to ensure the romance is always there this will be a great help a few years into the future.
June 9, 2017
I highly recommend this book to every couple! Even if you're single, it's still an amazing book to read. I found everything Gary said to be so true! I was able to figure out my husband's love language as well as mine and I can already see a difference in our relationship!
July 3, 2019
This book was awesome! It explains so much about how we feel loved! I highly recommend it
July 10, 2024
Een inkijkje in de verschillende liefdestalen die er bestaan, maar blijft zeer oppervlakkig. Het boekje bevat instapniveau kennis, maar voor achtergrondinformatie en onderbouwing zul je verder moeten zoeken. De schrijfstijl is enigszins belerend.
Currently reading
August 11, 2017"We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in ti. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited."
Keeping the Love Tank Full
"I like the metaphor the first time I heard it: "Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop bormally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty 'love tank.'"
"I remember Ashley, who at thirteen years of age was being treated for sexually transmitted disease. Her parents were crushed. They were angry with Ashley. They were upset with the school, which they blamed for teacher her about sex. "Why would she do this?" They asked.
"At the hear of mankind's existence is the desire to intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love."
Ashley's parents divorced and she felt she wasn't loved. The parents provided for her physical needs but didnt speak Ashley's primary love language.
Filling our partners emotional love tank by learning their love language.
Perhaps the reason why marriages fail is because our partners don't feel loved, their love tank is empty.
'Falling in Love'
"At it's peak, the "in love" experience is euphoric."
We fall in love with love.
"The person who is "in love" has the illusion that his beloved is perfect."
Every marriage started out thinking they were going to be different than the rest, that their love would overcome all.
These things are working to get me down from the clouds and plant my feet on the floor. Being able to recognize the reality about myself and my partner and start figuring out how to function together will help us now, to be productive for a long lasting relationship that surpasses the "in love" head rush.
Something that when we come down from cloud 9 that we'll still both want to be in.
*
"Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, has done long-range studies on the in-love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is a secretive love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually, however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. ... Those little traits that we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains."
That's one of my personality trait flaws in itself that I make things into mountains and it's hard for me to turn mountains into molehills.
The real world of marriage is dirty sinks, closets, the toilet seat up, words and looks can hurt. People don't see this until after they marry. "No wonder so many have come to curse marriage and the partner whom they once loved." What happened then? The problem was thinking the "'in love' obsession would last forever."
*Why doesn't it last forever? What's the purpose of it not lasting forever?
"A casual observation should have taught us that if people remained obsessed, we would all be in serious trouble. The shock waves would rumble through business, industry, church, education, and the rest of society. Why? Because people who are "in love" lose interest in other pursuits. That is why we call it "obsession." The college student who falls head over heels in love sees his grades tumbling. When you're in love everything else seems irrelevant."
Is that why my parents kept hounding me to make sure I didn't date? So I wouldn't get side tracked and mess up my future. It sounded so crass, judgmental, and tyrannical when they said it though. How can we explain it to someone? Can we really? Or parents are just out of luck? There has to be a way. How can a parent explain this? And now I know... eye on the ball. I've heard it from other dating gurus. What keeps my partner attracted in the long run anyways... to keep doing what I'm doing... that's probably what attracted them in the first place, the reason why they wanted to be apart of my life. It's two fold then, keeping my life up and running keeps the guys and keeps myself.
While we are in love we will do anything for our lover, and we truly believe they'll do the same for us. But when the stage wears off, in the end, we are all egocentric, and not completely altruistic. We will eventually assert our needs and desires, which won't all be the same as our partners. He wants sex, she's too tired, he wants a car, she says no, he wants to go hang out with friends, she says you love them more than me. "Little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts and behavior patterns exert themselves. They are two individuals. Their minds have not melded together.."
Thinking that is what "love is" is what causes the problems. Earlier the author discussed the different ways use the word love, or what we think it looks like. Undoing the illusions and creating a different but still healthy image of love in our minds is the way to go.
"The in-love experience does not focus on our own growth nor on the growth and development of the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we have arrived."
Oh snap! I just want to mate with him!?
"If falling in love is not real love, what is it? Dr. Peck concludes that it "is a genetically determined instinctual component of mating behavior. In other words, the temporary collapse of ego boundaries that constitutes falling in love is a stereotypic response of human beings to a configuration of internal sexual drives and external sexual stimuli, which serves to increase the probability of sexual pairing and bonding so as to enhance the survival of the species."
Again bringing down to reality ground! So every time now I catch myself "falling in love" I'll be able to point it out and say hah! that's just me biologically wanting to procreate and also not be lonely! This also doesn't help the marriage supporter camp, it sounds like the process of love up til marriage is just in our heads, fake, and that marriage.. death til we part is fruitless. But they are saying there is such a thing as real love, and that the whole falling in love feeling at the beginning isn't.
I can't imagine myself with anyone else right now but in the back of my mind.. the part I'm trying to block out, I know I do that because I'm afraid of getting back out there and not sure if I'll find anyone. It's overwhelming to think to begin another relationship. I don't think anyone else will like me the way he does. I'm also afraid of putting in the effort of working on the things I know I need to fix, things that he puts up with that I don't think anyone else will.
My head hurts, it's going fast. I'm doubting the relationship on another level. Do I love him? Wow my mind is blank.
When I get small doubts I'll reasure myself that what will happen will happen, and to have fun with him for as long as it lasts, and try to learn as much as possible about being in a relationship. When I tell myself that I feel a lot better. But when I think realistically then... I feel like eventually, we'll break up. Where will that leave me? I'm realizing how much I haven't been working on myself. I get overwhelmed by it. Are the doubts about my life flowing into a relationship that's actually going pretty well? I think I'm going to work hard for myself as the priority and try as much as I can in the relationship and see where that leads me.
When I think about it, there are lots of things that annoy me about him that I don't think I can be around every day, and I know there are lots of things about me that he puts up with. I guess what I can do for the time being is work fiercely on myself.
In the end, him putting up with my craziness and good chemistry isn't going to motivate me to stay.
I want to keep reading but it's hurting my head and overwhelming me.
Maybe it's nicotine withdrawals. Maybe I'm hyper-focusing on our relationship because I don't have a job, hobby, or classes.
Maybe we're eachothers bump of cocaine to get us through the week.
Keeping the Love Tank Full
"I like the metaphor the first time I heard it: "Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop bormally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty 'love tank.'"
"I remember Ashley, who at thirteen years of age was being treated for sexually transmitted disease. Her parents were crushed. They were angry with Ashley. They were upset with the school, which they blamed for teacher her about sex. "Why would she do this?" They asked.
"At the hear of mankind's existence is the desire to intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love."
Ashley's parents divorced and she felt she wasn't loved. The parents provided for her physical needs but didnt speak Ashley's primary love language.
Filling our partners emotional love tank by learning their love language.
Perhaps the reason why marriages fail is because our partners don't feel loved, their love tank is empty.
'Falling in Love'
"At it's peak, the "in love" experience is euphoric."
We fall in love with love.
"The person who is "in love" has the illusion that his beloved is perfect."
Every marriage started out thinking they were going to be different than the rest, that their love would overcome all.
These things are working to get me down from the clouds and plant my feet on the floor. Being able to recognize the reality about myself and my partner and start figuring out how to function together will help us now, to be productive for a long lasting relationship that surpasses the "in love" head rush.
Something that when we come down from cloud 9 that we'll still both want to be in.
*
"Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, has done long-range studies on the in-love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is a secretive love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually, however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. ... Those little traits that we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains."
That's one of my personality trait flaws in itself that I make things into mountains and it's hard for me to turn mountains into molehills.
The real world of marriage is dirty sinks, closets, the toilet seat up, words and looks can hurt. People don't see this until after they marry. "No wonder so many have come to curse marriage and the partner whom they once loved." What happened then? The problem was thinking the "'in love' obsession would last forever."
*Why doesn't it last forever? What's the purpose of it not lasting forever?
"A casual observation should have taught us that if people remained obsessed, we would all be in serious trouble. The shock waves would rumble through business, industry, church, education, and the rest of society. Why? Because people who are "in love" lose interest in other pursuits. That is why we call it "obsession." The college student who falls head over heels in love sees his grades tumbling. When you're in love everything else seems irrelevant."
Is that why my parents kept hounding me to make sure I didn't date? So I wouldn't get side tracked and mess up my future. It sounded so crass, judgmental, and tyrannical when they said it though. How can we explain it to someone? Can we really? Or parents are just out of luck? There has to be a way. How can a parent explain this? And now I know... eye on the ball. I've heard it from other dating gurus. What keeps my partner attracted in the long run anyways... to keep doing what I'm doing... that's probably what attracted them in the first place, the reason why they wanted to be apart of my life. It's two fold then, keeping my life up and running keeps the guys and keeps myself.
While we are in love we will do anything for our lover, and we truly believe they'll do the same for us. But when the stage wears off, in the end, we are all egocentric, and not completely altruistic. We will eventually assert our needs and desires, which won't all be the same as our partners. He wants sex, she's too tired, he wants a car, she says no, he wants to go hang out with friends, she says you love them more than me. "Little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts and behavior patterns exert themselves. They are two individuals. Their minds have not melded together.."
Thinking that is what "love is" is what causes the problems. Earlier the author discussed the different ways use the word love, or what we think it looks like. Undoing the illusions and creating a different but still healthy image of love in our minds is the way to go.
"The in-love experience does not focus on our own growth nor on the growth and development of the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we have arrived."
Oh snap! I just want to mate with him!?
"If falling in love is not real love, what is it? Dr. Peck concludes that it "is a genetically determined instinctual component of mating behavior. In other words, the temporary collapse of ego boundaries that constitutes falling in love is a stereotypic response of human beings to a configuration of internal sexual drives and external sexual stimuli, which serves to increase the probability of sexual pairing and bonding so as to enhance the survival of the species."
Again bringing down to reality ground! So every time now I catch myself "falling in love" I'll be able to point it out and say hah! that's just me biologically wanting to procreate and also not be lonely! This also doesn't help the marriage supporter camp, it sounds like the process of love up til marriage is just in our heads, fake, and that marriage.. death til we part is fruitless. But they are saying there is such a thing as real love, and that the whole falling in love feeling at the beginning isn't.
I can't imagine myself with anyone else right now but in the back of my mind.. the part I'm trying to block out, I know I do that because I'm afraid of getting back out there and not sure if I'll find anyone. It's overwhelming to think to begin another relationship. I don't think anyone else will like me the way he does. I'm also afraid of putting in the effort of working on the things I know I need to fix, things that he puts up with that I don't think anyone else will.
My head hurts, it's going fast. I'm doubting the relationship on another level. Do I love him? Wow my mind is blank.
When I get small doubts I'll reasure myself that what will happen will happen, and to have fun with him for as long as it lasts, and try to learn as much as possible about being in a relationship. When I tell myself that I feel a lot better. But when I think realistically then... I feel like eventually, we'll break up. Where will that leave me? I'm realizing how much I haven't been working on myself. I get overwhelmed by it. Are the doubts about my life flowing into a relationship that's actually going pretty well? I think I'm going to work hard for myself as the priority and try as much as I can in the relationship and see where that leads me.
When I think about it, there are lots of things that annoy me about him that I don't think I can be around every day, and I know there are lots of things about me that he puts up with. I guess what I can do for the time being is work fiercely on myself.
In the end, him putting up with my craziness and good chemistry isn't going to motivate me to stay.
I want to keep reading but it's hurting my head and overwhelming me.
Maybe it's nicotine withdrawals. Maybe I'm hyper-focusing on our relationship because I don't have a job, hobby, or classes.
Maybe we're eachothers bump of cocaine to get us through the week.
April 24, 2014
People absorb information in different ways, got that? Visual learners, audio learners.. Figuring out the best way to get your message through to someone is something I worked on as a teacher in the classroom. While the book The Five Love Languages focuses on marriage, the solid concepts throughout apply to every relationship in your life: coworkers, friends, cousins, in-laws. Everybody. It sprinkles a little bible tapping in here and there, which is irrelevant to the core goal of learning to communicate more effectively, so if you overlook that you’ll find a guide filled with fundamental advice.
See the rest of my review on my blog:
http://alexanderspenn.wordpress.com/2...
See the rest of my review on my blog:
http://alexanderspenn.wordpress.com/2...
March 11, 2012
I expected a lot more from this book. It has been recommended to me several times and by women (and a few men) whom I admire. After reading it, I do not feel that I gained much by reading the book. Phrases like "emotional love tank" were extremely off-putting and the examples of implementing the love languages were clichéd and outdated. For being such a small book, I was shocked at the meager amount of real content. For example, the Gift of Self (under the love language Receiving Gifts) is all but indistinguishable from the love language Quality Time. In conclusion, I would say read it if you have a spare half hour, but don’t invest much more time or energy into this book.
February 9, 2016
If you want to know how to find an appropriate approach to your wife/husband, girlfriends/boyfriend to make her/him happy and feel loved, it is important to know the language of love of your beloved. There are 5 languages of love: 1) Words of affirmation; 2) Quality time; 3) Receiving gifts; 4) Acts of service; 5) Physical Toach.
I strongly recommend to all married couples, because it can significantly improve your relationship, kindle new lights in your life and probably save your marriage.
I strongly recommend to all married couples, because it can significantly improve your relationship, kindle new lights in your life and probably save your marriage.
June 1, 2009
My neighbor loved this book and lent it to me. I liked the idea, but felt each point was a bit belabored. I found there were way more stories to illustrate the point than I had an interest in reading. But I did enjoy learning about the 5 languages and chatting with my hubby about them. I think it's worth a gander.
January 13, 2015
This was pretty awful and fluffy as an audiobook. An example of advice given was to do things together so you can share memories. Then, he said, you can remember that time you both got poison ivy chasing a rabbit through the forest. Really?! Sounds like a Disney movie gone wrong.
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