Let Go of the Life You Planned and Find a New Way Forward The Next Happy (Paperback) - Common

by Tracey Cleantis-Dwyer

When the best option is to let go of the life you planned for yourself and find a new path, a world of possibilities can surprisingly open up. Learn whether it is time to let go, and if so, how to move through your grief and find your way forward in The Next Happy.

If you believe, you can do anything.
Although well-meaning, these intended words of inspiration can make us feel like failures. The reality is that no matter how positive our outlook or how tenacious our approach, our dreams simply do not always come true—and there is nothing we can do about it.

After multiple fertility treatments and years of hardship in her pursuit to have a child, Tracey Cleantis was forced to face this reality head-on. Yet, through this process and her work counseling hundreds of clients through the loss of their goals and aspirations, she discovered one simple truth: Sometimes there comes a time when the smartest, healthiest, and sanest thing to do is to let go of the original plan in order to find a new way forward toward happiness. And with this critical shift, a world of possibilities opens up to us. New, tangible dreams take shape.

In The Next Happy, Cleantis offers a roadmap for that journey, teaching you how to
face the possibility of letting go of a dream that isn’t working
accept and face sadness, anger, and shame
understand the true reasons why you wanted what you wanted and the real-life causes for why you didn’t get it
ask the questions that will let you move on and set realistic goals for finding a new way forward.

With down-to-earth wisdom and humor, this enlightening counterpoint to the popular self-help notion to “follow your dream, no matter what it takes” provides the guidance and support to help you make the decision of whether it is time to give up an impossible dream, and if so, move through your grief, and discover the next happy.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Health, Personal Development, Psychology

Unknown Binding

First published February 24, 2015

About the author

Tracey Cleantis-Dwyer is a best-selling author, depth coach, and internationally recognized thought leader in personal transformation. With over 25 years as a Jungian psychotherapist, she specializes in guiding clients to their Next Happy.

Her acclaimed books, An Invitation to Self-Care: Why Learning to Nurture Yourself is the Key to the Life You've Always Wanted: 7 Principles for Abundant Living. and The Next Happy: Letting Go of the Life You Planned and Find a New Way Forward, have inspired thousands to find resilience, joy, and authentic success. Tracey’s writing explores the intersections of self-discovery, personal reinvention, and the profound power of narrative to shape our lives.

The Next Happy was nominated for the best Psychology book by The Books for a Better Life Awards.

Tracey has been featured in, among others, Redbook, Aeon, Macleans, Sojourner, Mode Magazine, Yahoo News, Salon.com, Psychologies Magazine, The Daily Mail, The Daily News, YourTango.com, NPR Wisconsin and on Fox News Boston and KTLA5 Morning Show

When she’s not coaching clients to legendary lives or crafting her next book, Not Me, Tracey can be found traveling, hiking, or walking her two beloved dogs, Buckley and Ellie.

Follow her journey and get inspired to write your own next chapter at www.legendarylifecoach.net.

Reviews

[Lisa Urso · Rating 5 out of 5]

A MUST-READ. This is for everyone who wanted to take those über-gooey, saccharine self-help books and throw them against the wall. Tracey definitely is a cheerleader throughout the book, constantly encouraging the reader that they will get through their grief, but she balances it with a nice dose of reality. She is realistic, and doesn't believe in platitudes. I appreciated the does of realism and perspective she offered, especially in the last chapters. But the best parts of the book are when she offers her "Movie Rx" suggestions. She encourages her readers to grab some Kleenex, crappy food, and add that to the professional therapy, and offers some great suggestions that go with the theme of each chapter. Definitely a keeper!

[Laura V. · Rating 5 out of 5]

“The more we pursue something that doesn’t work, the more we take on the identity of a failure. Our self-concept changes. We see ourselves differently; we may edit out any achievement, accomplishment, or success from the past and define ourselves solely by the failure to achieve this dream.” Tracy Cleantis

Is life worth living if my biggest dream doesn't come true? When do I give up on that dream? What happens if I do? This book acknowledges the reality that life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to. Everything DOESN’T always happen for a reason, but you can learn to love your life, accept your fate, and create meaning out of adversity.

The author's struggle with infertility and her journey to acceptance that she will never be pregnant is the anchor of this book. Perhaps you yearned for a child and didn’t have one. Maybe you had a child, but with severe complications. You always wanted a big family and were an only child. Maybe you have a big family but can happily go a decade or more without seeing them. Maybe you wanted to go to college, be a pilot, travel the world, join the military, start a business, fall in love, get married, buy a house, go pro, be financially stable, have grandkids, or have any dream that you earnestly wished for that didn’t come true for whatever reason.

This book reminds you that you are not alone. People all over the world mourn lost dreams every second of every day, even if their dream doesn’t look exactly as yours does. Suffering is human nature. Grief is a universal feeling despite the cause.

We live in a society that values optimism and the tenacity of never giving up. But sometimes giving up IS the answer to regaining inner peace, extinguishing anxiety, and taking control over ambiguous endings, and to look forward to new dreams. Sometimes feelings labeled as toxic are actually constructive in making this happen. Be angry, because life really isn’t fair. That's reality. Anger provokes action and propels you forward.

The author advises that this book might not be for you if you are not ready to give up your dream but I disagree. I think if you’ve been struggling with the “what if it doesn’t happen for me” questions, if you are anxious that you are running out of time or the door is closing, read this book. It will help you find comfort in the possibility of a plan B and learning to be happy with whatever course your life may take.

Last note- if it sounds like this book is not for you, awesome. I hope your life has a fairy tale ending. But if you’ve ever found yourself at a loss for words when a dear friend is pouring their heart out to you, this book will help you find the right words to say, or not say. Enough with the platitudes please. Let’s all just acknowledge that life isn’t fair, it’s not always okay, and it’s okay to take time to feel the enormity of that feeling before you’re ready to move forward.

Good luck on finding your happiness <3

[Casey Nerau · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gave a lot of good questions to think about and work through. Fairly easy to read, I tend to have trouble reading self help books.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great way to help you work through losing your dream and to decide whether now is the time to move and, if so, how.

[Vicky · Rating 3 out of 5]

I I liked this book , Though found it only for those are childless not by choice and no longer trying to conceive . My favorite part . Movie Rx if the best prescription of how you can move on even when your dream do not come true. Everything from eating awesome junk food and watching everything from "the Silver lining playbook to watching Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone can help you le go of a dream Their are many other movies that help you to let go of a dream . Among them the Wrestler with Mickey Rourke to the Descendants with George Clooney ( The author who went through multiple rounds of unsuccessful infertility treatments and a Marriage and Family counselor herself ) had to let go of her biggest dream for her it was to have a child but throughout the book she shares others peoples dreams ( being a diplomat) ( Getting a masters degree did not work out for those people . As well the steps they and Ms. Cleantis took to build different dreams . Grieving , support groups and / or therapy are all essential tools to letting go of the life you would have . to making the life you want . Platitudes: A whole awesome chapter devoted to it. Chapter 7 do not help . Her big 3 are : Everything happens for a reason . 2 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger . 3) Time heals all wounds , she explains why these and many other phrases like it, may lead us to more heartache Often times we must give up on a dream in order to find our next happy . In Western cultures this is frowned upon as we taught to keep smiling As the author states even in our childhood we are often times taught to turn that frown upside down . These can be damaging messages for society that only lead us to hold on to dreams for so long . we forget there are other dreams waiting for us . The right help and support can help that moving forward may mean plan b or plan z. So go ahead please, read this book to begin to find your next happy. Tracey cleantis will guide along the way I recommend this book to those that want to find a way to move foreword beyond their dream of parenthood .

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish I would've read the back of this book before picking it up from the library. The whole thing is about her infertility and loss of her dream about becoming a mom. Which does suck, truly sorry for your loss.
For certain readers this could be great, for me cause I can't relate, it was so annoying. I was expecting it to assist with people in general getting to accept life's undelivered dreams. It felt like a guidebook of what not to say to someone with fertility issues. Sorry you get triggered by other people words but seriously, everyone shouldn't have to mold to what makes you feel comfortable.
I gave it a 3 cause she has some good movie recommendations and great questions at the end of every chapter to journal through on your own. It wasn't all bad. I liked some of the advice and tips.
Sadly most of the book is a total downer and opposite of inspiring. People call her the Dr. Kevorkian of dreams, which makes sense.

[Alexandria Bougher · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book truly is cathartic for anyone experiencing the loss of a dream. I loved that the author speaks directly to the reader, challenging us to work through our emotions and our shit, rather than brush it aside. I also appreciated how she tackled the toxic positivity of our culture and the harsh reality that sometimes for us to survive as people, the dreams we have built need to die. The irony of killing off a dream so you can finally breathe, forgive yourself, and find happiness is not lost on me. The only reason I gave four instead of five stars is that the second half of the book dragged on for me. It felt like perhaps the author needed content to flesh out a full book. When the opening and closing were sufficient. Would recommend, especially for those having infertility issues.

[Kathleen Woods · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw, real, and helpful! This book is for anyone who has struggled to let go of a long-held dream.

Cleantis is very upfront about her desire to have a child -- and the extreme lengths she went to -- only to have to give it all up and find her way back to (or, rather, toward) a happy life. She shares everything without filters (and with a great sense of humor) to help readers recover from any loss -- of career, relationship, creative endeavor, or whatever mattered most to them. I saw parts of myself in her stories, and in the stories she shares from other people.

A truly helpful self-help book.

[Lauren Bilgri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book - a friend of mine lent it to me and I think I will need my own copy so I can highlight the heck out of it. This book is about releasing a dream that you have worked tirelessly towards, but it ultimately is just not working out (a relationship, a marriage, a dream job, having a child, etc) when to recognize when enough is enough,how to grieve the loss of the dream, and what being happy after the grief can look like. Spoiler alert: every single devastated person interviewed for this book ends up happier than they ever imagined.

[Charlotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well I only made it up to around page 56 and that was not anything against the book but rather I had come into reading the book thinking that I had done everything and I came to the realization that actually I had only scraped the surface. However, I picked up a lot of tips and I found the authors way of writing really enjoyable to read, as well as the segments where it related to a movie.

[Karen Shilvock-Cinefro · Rating 3 out of 5]

The focus of the book is around the authors struggle with infertility and her unmet dream. However, this book covers many areas of unmet dreams and how the author and others have come to acceptance and still found value in their lives.

[Lina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read and very helpful !!

[Gladys Rodriguez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for those mourning a dream.

[Denise Elder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read. This book hit a nerve for me but a good one. I need to read it again to remind myself that we are all worth it!

[Elizabeth Lund]

This is about grief and letting go, NOT about finding what's next. Misnamed, although it seemed like a good book for what it is.

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think the book could have been more powerful if some of the example stories had been a little more detailed, but I found the message helpful for this point in my life.

[Paula Vince · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's not often I come across a non-fiction book which I find so hard to put down. This book's target audience is people who are facing the fact that their big dream is dead. The author helps us through the grieving process with a lot of empathy and compassion, having a history of shattered dreams herself.

We live in a world where latching onto your dreams like a bull-terrier is fashionable advice. Quotes fly around cyberspace from illustrious people such as Walt Disney (all dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them) and Winston Churchill (never, never, never give up). The theme of dreams coming true spills over into popular media and movies. It's difficult not to buy into the myth that if we don't make our dreams come true, there is something wrong with us.

Tracey Cleantis sets out to help us set the record straight. Sometimes they don't come true. Then we deal not just with the grief of losing a dream but guilt trips making us feel responsible for falling short. She helps us understand that giving up does not make us a failure or quitter. To the contrary, staying on the 'never give up' treadmill can be damaging in every way. Physically, our bodies develop inflammation caused by years of frustration and anxiety. Emotionally, we may take on the identity of a failure. She likens us to the mythical Sisyphus, endlessly pushing a rock up a hill and having it roll back down on us. There may come a point when giving up is the wise and braver option.

Another section of this book shows how statistics alone prove it impossible for everyone to achieve their dreams anyway, especially when they may conflict with the dreams of others. Also, the rate of tertiary graduates is disproportionate to the number of jobs available which require their degrees. Cleantis gives tips on how to reply to well-meaning, but insensitive Pollyannas who may try to convince us not to give up yet. We each know when we've reached our limits.

I've heard people refer to themselves as 'midwives of dreams', meaning that they help other people achieve theirs. This author humorously imagines herself as more of a smotherer, a Dr Kevorkian, helping people know when it's time to pull the plug. She wasn't expecting popularity, but like many others, I'm so glad she's written this book.

I'll finish with some of my favourite parts.
1) She advises movie therapy, recommending several significant titles to help us through the process.
2) The personal anecdotes from several of her clients are refreshing. Over the years, I've read so many stories about people who have achieved their dreams. Having similar stories about people who gave it their all and had to stop is a good balance. Especially when there's light at the end of the tunnel. This brings me to point three.
3) I was hanging out for her advice on what to do next. It can be summed up in a sensible sentence or two. Rather than looking immediately for the next big thing on the rebound, we should allow new interests to come organically, without judging their value through our blinkered eyes. As she says, forcing a cognitive, purposeful decision is never as delightful or surprising as welcoming the unexpected. A little spark of interest may do it.

I'd recommend this unusual and helpful book to anybody who may need it.

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclosure: I first got to know Tracey Cleantis through her blog, La Belette Rouge. I'm among the Facebook friends she mentions in the acknowledgements, "who endured a year of me asking questions about their grief." I am quoted in the book, albeit under a different name.

I loved this book. I knew I probably would, because the subject matter is right up my alley, and because I love Tracey's writing, but it was great to finally have a copy in my hands and to read it for myself.

"The Next Happy" grew out of Tracey's personal story, which in some ways resembles my own. Like me, she wanted a baby -- and like me, she didn't get one, despite 20+ rounds of IUI, four-and-a-half IVFs, a failed adoption, and $100,000 down the drain. And yet (and also like me), she will tell you that her life today is happier than she ever thought possible. And that your life can be, too.

The really great thing about this book is that it isn't just an infertility survival guide or memoir (although Tracey does refer to her own story throughout the book to illustrate some of her points). It's applicable to anyone who has had to let go of a a cherished dream and try to find happiness elsewhere. In its pages we meet people whose dreams included running a hotel in Atlantic City, earning a master's degree, being an entrepreneur, being a martial arts expert, owning a dream home, hosting a talk show (a la Oprah), attending West Point, being in a committed relationship with the seemingly perfect partner, and becoming a diplomat. All of them had to let these dreams go.

Tracey refers to herself as "the Dr. Kevorkian of dreams," which sounds kind of ominous -- but the book is highly readable, full of common-sense insights, practical advice, humour and empathy. Writing in a warm, chatty style, Tracey examines topics that include:

* our "never give up" culture,
* the consequences of not giving up,
* when and how to say goodbye to a dream,
* acknowledging just how much this sucks (grief work),
* "the ugly stepsiblings of emotion" (envy, fear, shame) and how to deal with them,
* getting support from family, friends, professionals and others,
* the search for meaning,
* identifying the symbolic meaning of your original dream (what were you really hoping to get, and how else can you do that), and
* getting to your next happy.

Each chapter includes case studies, Tracey's professional observations from the therapy couch, a checklist of self-help questions and suggestions to get you thinking, and (best of all, IMHO, as an avid moviegoer), a "Movie Rx" -- a movie recommendation which reflects the themes of the chapter. Among Tracey's picks: "Silver Linings Playbook," "Ordinary People," "Amadeus" and "It's a Wonderful Life."

"There is always hope for a happy life," Tracey says near the book's end. "It takes work. It isn't easy. But if you believe in it, if you are open to all possibilities, and if you do the work, it does happen." I agree! I so wish that a book like this had been around when I was making the transition from fertility treatments to a permanently childless/free life.

[Ali Clark · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am definitely not a nonfiction reader, I need my books to offer some drama and intrigue and an escape from the world. However, it's time to expand my horizons and since I'm going through a weird existential crisis with my career choice, I thought this would be a good read, and I wasn't wrong.
The Next Happy takes a look at the "death of a dream". Is it time to let go? How do we do that? Doesn't that make me a quitter, a failure, a disappointment? This book tells you that it's okay to let a dream die. Yes, it will suck, it will suck so bad, but you WILL get through it and come out on the other side ready and available for your next happy.
I encourage anyone who feels like they've been beating a dead horse so to speak when it comes to their dream to pick up this book and read the first two chapters. If you feel like you haven't given your dream your all, put the book down immediately and do whatever you can to make it a reality. If you feel you've given everything and more to something that just isn't happening for you, listen to the words of the author and allow her to guide you to your next happy.

[K.A. Doore · Rating 5 out of 5]

I put this book on hold at the library while I was in a very dark place, only to have it come available when I was starting to feel better - when I had chosen, in fact, not to give up. With that in mind, I wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to read a book that might encourage me to change my mind. I started reading just to see - and then couldn't put it down.
This book is incredible and I needed it right then - fuck, I needed it a year ago. It's not a road map to giving up, but a road map to the grief that comes when a really big dream of yours doesn't materialize or go your way. It is so many shades of amazing and perfect, but really: it was what I needed said to me, right now.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some things do not work out. Period. End of story. We can lament and we can analyze, but that will not change the facts. On top of which, we all have our own private mythology and then there is the big ticket item, death, which puts a limit on all things, working out or not.

This book is a refreshing break from the "you can make it if you try" school of Protestant work ethic, the corollary of which is, "if you don't make it, you did not try or, worse yet, you are defective." Chock full of questions for self examination, this is a helpful guide to re-calibrating from what may be inchoate losses (the value of chances that did not materialize, say) and moving on.

[Jonna Higgins-Freese · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book was revolutionary in saying something that I myself have learned, but seldom hear said: you can't always be anything you want. You can't always achieve your dreams. Sometimes you have to let them go and do something else. And that's okay.

I thought that affirmation, alone (along with some fascinating data on how many (few) people are able to actually become professional dancers, etc.) made it worthwhile to pick up the book.

I found her suggestions about *how* to let go much less helpful and inspiring.

[Katharine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone should read this!

I read this book during a time when I was rethinking my own goals and my big dream. I found this book to articulate the process of mourning a dream in an honest, practical way. Looking forward to discussing this book with the other dreamers in my life.

[Sharon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written very conversationally, easy to read.

[Candy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes you need a plan B ...

[Rosemary Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Talks about grief and letting go of your dream and moving on.