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Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression - From the Bedroom to the Boardroom
With more than 100,000 copies in print, Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man draws on case histories from clinical psychologist Scott Wetzler’s practice to help you identify the destructive behavior, the root causes and motivations, and solutions.
Do you know one of these men?
The catch-me-if-you-can lover...
Phil’s romantic and passionate one minute, distant and cold the next.
The deviously manipulative coworker or boss...
Jack denies resenting Nora’s rapid rise in the company, but when they’re assigned to work together on a project, he undermines her.
The obstructionist, procrastinating husband...
Bob keeps telling his wife he’ll finish the painting job he began years ago, but he never seems to get around to it.
These are all classic examples of the passive-aggressive man. This personality syndrome—in which hostility wears a mask of passivity—is currently the number one source of men’s problems in relationships and on the job. In Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man, Scott Wetzler draws upon numerous case histories from his own practice to explain how and why the passive-aggressive man thinks, feels, and acts the way he does. Dr. Wetzler also offers advice on:
• How to avoid playing victim, manager, or rescuer to the “P-A”
• How to get his anger and fear into the open
• How to help the “P-A” become a better lover, husband, and father
• How to survive passive-aggressive game playing on the job
Living with a man’s passive aggression can be an emotional seesaw ride. But armed with this book, you can avoid the bumpy landings.
Do you know one of these men?
The catch-me-if-you-can lover...
Phil’s romantic and passionate one minute, distant and cold the next.
The deviously manipulative coworker or boss...
Jack denies resenting Nora’s rapid rise in the company, but when they’re assigned to work together on a project, he undermines her.
The obstructionist, procrastinating husband...
Bob keeps telling his wife he’ll finish the painting job he began years ago, but he never seems to get around to it.
These are all classic examples of the passive-aggressive man. This personality syndrome—in which hostility wears a mask of passivity—is currently the number one source of men’s problems in relationships and on the job. In Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man, Scott Wetzler draws upon numerous case histories from his own practice to explain how and why the passive-aggressive man thinks, feels, and acts the way he does. Dr. Wetzler also offers advice on:
• How to avoid playing victim, manager, or rescuer to the “P-A”
• How to get his anger and fear into the open
• How to help the “P-A” become a better lover, husband, and father
• How to survive passive-aggressive game playing on the job
Living with a man’s passive aggression can be an emotional seesaw ride. But armed with this book, you can avoid the bumpy landings.
208 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 1992
76 people are currently reading
456 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
February 11, 2010
Having the same arguements over and over? Feeling a little crazy because you think the arguement is over and a compromise has been reached yet your honey seems distant, hostile, unloving? When you ask them what's wrong they say "nothing" yet they are treating you in a non caring way? Well, welcome to living with a passive aggressive male or female for that matter. Just when you thought you'd solved your problems the passive aggressive partner, colleague, child etc.. begins their campaign of covert hostility that you might not even be aware of until you feel like you're going crazy. Could they really have forgotten to pick you up? Did you really not tell them the deadline for the project? Did they really just blame you for something they did wrong? Oh, the list goes on and on. In this book by Scott Wetzler, he describes the characteristics and motivations of the passive aggressive personality in relationships,the workplace, parenting and childhood. It's an excellent resource for anyone who is dealing with such a person on a daily basis. But don't think that all the blame is one-sided because Wetzler has devoted at least two chapter to the women and it could apply to men as well that typically choose to be in relationships with a passive aggressive personality. This is a well written, well explained book that can be very helpful for someone who feels like they are at the end of their rope. It validates that you are not crazy to believe that your partner is angry even though they deny it. The bad news is, there is very little you can do about it other than making decisions to keep yourself sane by setting limits and perhaps choosing to leave the relationship. This really stinks if you are working with someone who uses this modus operandi. The person who pervasively uses a passive aggressive filter to deal with world has to want to change himself/herself in order to have the very thing they are frightened of most; healthy, intimate relationships. Good luck with that!
September 22, 2009
I highlighted the hell out of this book. Evidently I'm still working through some of the XHusband stuff. Who knew?
Want to read
October 1, 2010It's not my fault. It really is him, and not that I'm hideous, or useless or stupid. It's him, it really is. I wept as I read the book, then I got mad. How dare he!!!!
February 8, 2011
First of all, what a great title! I mean, what woman in this world has not been made crazy at some point or another by some passive-aggressive guy in her life? If only it were as simple to deal with the problem as it was to read this book.
The way I see it, most men have their passive aggressive moments; I'm sure most women do as well. It's always nicer if you can get your needs met and avoid a direct conflict at the same time, isn't it? But in my view, characteristically passive aggressive men tend to live somewhere on a continuum between the frightened conflict avoider who's terrified of upsetting you and the emotionally abusive narcissist who wants to control you and look good in the process. Although it felt to me like Scott Wetzler was lumping all of them together, I think they're very different.
Wetzler does a good job of describing what it's like to deal with a passive-aggressive man, the different ways in which he can frustrate and confuse you, and also some different types of women who end up with these men -- what he calls victims, managers, and rescuers. Women who are victims end up being subtly abused by these men; managers boss them around and bear the brunt of their revenge; and rescuers believe that they can save, or at least change, these men and end up sadly disillusioned. Wetzler describes passive-aggression from men in a variety of settings -- the bedroom, marriage and parenting, and the workplace. As one might expect, it's a heck of a lot easier to set limits on passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace than it is in one's personal life.
What Wetzler didn't, or couldn't, provide was clear, effective guidance in how to deal with passive-aggressive people in your family. State your feelings, figure out your limits, and stick with them, all sounds good in theory but is not easy to do in practice. Ultimately, it seems that these men need therapy but their level of motivation is questionable since passive-aggressive behavior is quite self-reinforcing. And often, women simply have to end the relationship. It's a pretty bleak picture, though probably not an inaccurate one.
I suppose that reading this book can be quite validating if you've known passive-aggressive people in your life. I kept thinking of one particular client I worked with and saying to myself, "That's him! That's him!" It can give you language for recognizing and talking about the problem. As far as actually fixing the problem, I guess that's more than anyone can ask of a book.
The way I see it, most men have their passive aggressive moments; I'm sure most women do as well. It's always nicer if you can get your needs met and avoid a direct conflict at the same time, isn't it? But in my view, characteristically passive aggressive men tend to live somewhere on a continuum between the frightened conflict avoider who's terrified of upsetting you and the emotionally abusive narcissist who wants to control you and look good in the process. Although it felt to me like Scott Wetzler was lumping all of them together, I think they're very different.
Wetzler does a good job of describing what it's like to deal with a passive-aggressive man, the different ways in which he can frustrate and confuse you, and also some different types of women who end up with these men -- what he calls victims, managers, and rescuers. Women who are victims end up being subtly abused by these men; managers boss them around and bear the brunt of their revenge; and rescuers believe that they can save, or at least change, these men and end up sadly disillusioned. Wetzler describes passive-aggression from men in a variety of settings -- the bedroom, marriage and parenting, and the workplace. As one might expect, it's a heck of a lot easier to set limits on passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace than it is in one's personal life.
What Wetzler didn't, or couldn't, provide was clear, effective guidance in how to deal with passive-aggressive people in your family. State your feelings, figure out your limits, and stick with them, all sounds good in theory but is not easy to do in practice. Ultimately, it seems that these men need therapy but their level of motivation is questionable since passive-aggressive behavior is quite self-reinforcing. And often, women simply have to end the relationship. It's a pretty bleak picture, though probably not an inaccurate one.
I suppose that reading this book can be quite validating if you've known passive-aggressive people in your life. I kept thinking of one particular client I worked with and saying to myself, "That's him! That's him!" It can give you language for recognizing and talking about the problem. As far as actually fixing the problem, I guess that's more than anyone can ask of a book.
December 2, 2008
There really was not any practical advice for living with the passive agressive man. It was informative, but bleak. I suppose the bottom line is that the person who is passive aggressive needs to 1. recognize and 2. desire to change. . . the book made me very sad.
November 9, 2013
Opened my eyes after my last marriage fell apart. Very powerful book that will help if you are in relationship with a PA man.
November 10, 2020
This book has offered me with so much solace. This book is a bible for those who have been through passive aggression.
June 1, 2025
Interesting thoughts overall. A bit outdated with all the Freudian theories but there were some great takeaways. I liked the idea that not having outlet to express anger in a healthy and constructive way often leads to passive aggression. That said, there is a particular audience in mind, and since I felt I wasn’t necessarily a part of it, I often found myself having to fill in gaps of where I was seeing passive aggression appear in my own life.
I also found it a bit grandiose to throw in the “bureaucracy is passive aggressive” bit at the end. I don’t necessarily disagree, but it really felt like a random fact to bring up so close to the end of the book without a lot of evidence.
I also found it a bit grandiose to throw in the “bureaucracy is passive aggressive” bit at the end. I don’t necessarily disagree, but it really felt like a random fact to bring up so close to the end of the book without a lot of evidence.
June 14, 2021
Silti iesaku gan vīriešiem, gan sievietēm, kas ir attiecībās, kā arī profesionāļiem, kas strādā ar pāriem un konfliktu risinājumiem. Viegli atpazīstamas pasīvi agresīvā (P-A) tehnikas, rīcības modeļi dažādās attiecībās (pāra, darba) un ieteikumi, kā palīdzēt P-A parvārēt destrukciju, neveicināt to vai galu galā lemt par labu citiem risinājumiem.
March 5, 2014
Happened across this by chance when I was looking for a book about how to get more clients. I didn't think I had a problem with this, but the symptoms in the blurb sure seemed to fit, so I figured I'd get it and learn more.
So far, eh. I still don't know what to think, and it's a depressing read. I hope I'll learn something about healthier ways of interacting with this type of behavior so as to be more immune to its effects.
…
Read through to the end. Although some of the symptoms are picture-perfect, overall, this really doesn't seem to fit my situation. I think the author has over-generalized people who have an avoidant attachment style as passive-aggressive. I'd buy that there's a lot of overlap, but I think they're two separate issues. Also, the gender roles are super stereotyped in this book. :P
So far, eh. I still don't know what to think, and it's a depressing read. I hope I'll learn something about healthier ways of interacting with this type of behavior so as to be more immune to its effects.
…
Read through to the end. Although some of the symptoms are picture-perfect, overall, this really doesn't seem to fit my situation. I think the author has over-generalized people who have an avoidant attachment style as passive-aggressive. I'd buy that there's a lot of overlap, but I think they're two separate issues. Also, the gender roles are super stereotyped in this book. :P
March 28, 2016
Необычайно полезная книга, если вы - жертва пассивно-агрессивного поведения. Позволяет вам понять многое в вашей жизни что казалось вам вопиюще несправедливым по отношению к вам. Вы научитесь защищаться от пассивной агрессии и, я надеюсь, уничтожите ответные ростки этой заразы в себе. Впрочем, относительно рецептов решений автор погорячился, оно ровно одно: БЕЖАТЬ НЕМЕДЛЕННО!!
Эта книга изменила мою жизнь и помогла мне стать гораздо более счастливым человеком.
Эта книга изменила мою жизнь и помогла мне стать гораздо более счастливым человеком.
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September 30, 2019I listen to the audio. Why should women spend their time reading about passive rest of men and try to figure out how to get along with them ? The men don’t care or they would do something about it themselves. They just go on their merry way hurting other people.”Real men” aren’t passive aggressive.
August 17, 2007
I learned I have some passive-aggressive tendencies...as does my ex. There are also some ways of dealing with those habits and trying to break the cycles learned from our parental units.
January 12, 2012
Every woman should read this. I've read it multiple times but they keep finding me. Lol
April 23, 2015
Well a few more things make sense for sure. Coming from Utah sometimes I felt like a fish trying to identify water when diagnosing PA behavior. I see my own and other's much more clearly now.
August 6, 2019
An excruciatingly detailed account of the gamma male, exuding passive-aggressive, incubus qualities.
January 22, 2012
I had to stop underlining in this book because I was marking the whole book! Very eye-opening!!
April 22, 2024
Buy this if you want a play by play on how to coddle a man-child who treats you poorly.
As someone who has struggled to see subtly toxic or manipulative behaviours in past relationships, this book was great. The break down of what they’re doing is so eye opening which is why I couldn’t rate it lower. The information piece of the book is great, albeit dated. A lot of these behaviours could be seen as narcissistic or avoidant in more modern literature so I like that this is specifically carved out as passive-aggression which is exactly what it is- regardless of personality traits or attachment styles. It explains the behaviour. 10/10 for that.
But! BUT! The part where the book loses me is how women are subsequently coached on “How to Keep Ya Man” TM. Like I’m sorry I don’t care if he cheats because he’s insecure and has mommy issues (this is thoroughly explained by the author). The book goes to great lengths to validate that the man is, in fact, showing contempt and aggression towards his partner, feels owed special treatment while feeling like a victim, but then there’s just like zero accountability on the part of the men displaying the crappy behavior. We, as the woman, are expected to lower our standards (the author also directly says this) and learn special phrases, code words and eggshell-walking-strategies so we can accept the bare minimum. The relationship salvaging advice had me rolling my eyes.
The author pays some lip service to the men needing to show up and want to work on the relationship but after 75% of the book explaining how these men have commitment issues… it’s like the author doesn’t see the glaring issue with his own advice. These men, by default, refuse to see their own shortcomings and blame everyone else. They see themselves as victims and therefore treat those around them poorly. So like at what point does a switch go off in thier mind and they go “you know what honey you’re right, I want this marriage to work and will go to therapy”. They’re just not that guy.
As someone who has struggled to see subtly toxic or manipulative behaviours in past relationships, this book was great. The break down of what they’re doing is so eye opening which is why I couldn’t rate it lower. The information piece of the book is great, albeit dated. A lot of these behaviours could be seen as narcissistic or avoidant in more modern literature so I like that this is specifically carved out as passive-aggression which is exactly what it is- regardless of personality traits or attachment styles. It explains the behaviour. 10/10 for that.
But! BUT! The part where the book loses me is how women are subsequently coached on “How to Keep Ya Man” TM. Like I’m sorry I don’t care if he cheats because he’s insecure and has mommy issues (this is thoroughly explained by the author). The book goes to great lengths to validate that the man is, in fact, showing contempt and aggression towards his partner, feels owed special treatment while feeling like a victim, but then there’s just like zero accountability on the part of the men displaying the crappy behavior. We, as the woman, are expected to lower our standards (the author also directly says this) and learn special phrases, code words and eggshell-walking-strategies so we can accept the bare minimum. The relationship salvaging advice had me rolling my eyes.
The author pays some lip service to the men needing to show up and want to work on the relationship but after 75% of the book explaining how these men have commitment issues… it’s like the author doesn’t see the glaring issue with his own advice. These men, by default, refuse to see their own shortcomings and blame everyone else. They see themselves as victims and therefore treat those around them poorly. So like at what point does a switch go off in thier mind and they go “you know what honey you’re right, I want this marriage to work and will go to therapy”. They’re just not that guy.
November 11, 2018
The men that I am familiar with in past relationships and in my family usually fell into passive, aggressive, or assertive. It was my first time experiencing a relationship with a passive-aggressive man and I felt completely thrown for a loop. I only realized it afterward that he would use passive-aggressive tactics to manipulate me. I would recommend this book to anybody (male or female) that interacts in any capacity with such a person. I also recommend it to potential parents, because it describes the early childhood framework that enables/encourages passive-aggression. For me, it helped me learn how to stand up against passive-aggressive people, which was draining my energy and time -- especially as an empath who really cared about the unhealthy structure that gave rise to an unhealthy person. As someone that did not have much experience with passive-aggressive people, this helped me recognize how to interact in a healthy way. Thank you, Dr. Wetzler!
December 5, 2017
The German title (when men stonewall/stall) is a tad misleading. I'd hoped for more insight and advice on how to deal with men who prefer moping and stalling during an argument, which isn't easy for unpatient me to deal with ;) But this book focuses first and foremost on the passive agressive man in general, how he acts and maniputales others (in private, social and professional life), what might be the reason for it, what could be done for those having to deal with him and so on. It was a super interesting read and a deep and gripping insight into this topic, no doubt about it. It just wasn't what I was looking for.
July 31, 2020
Some of the examples given felt like the women were just as bad as the men in passive-aggressiveness, I do understand that this is after they were treated as they were for so long. The "Manager Role" feels like a passive-aggressive person that creates an unending cycle of verbal abuse. I feel like this doesn't touch enough on all persons that are passive-aggressive which gives the book a kind of narrow viewpoint.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 15, 2019
Very good and insightful into this frustrating personality type. Had some good if not extensive tips for the wife of a passive-aggressive husband. (I did NOT read this to help with my own experience— a friend has a PA husband and I was curious about the topic so read it with her.)
January 29, 2018
Helpful to identify people of such traits in life. Be aware, donot let them play the blame game on you, be firm on your limits, and always have an exit plan if things turn worse.
September 23, 2018
I've got many insightful thinking points from this, although it was also at times tedious to get through. I guess there's a declining intensity to it.
November 26, 2018
Helped me realize I’m not going crazy when I couldn’t put my finger on the issues in our relationship.
September 10, 2023
A non-fiction book stocked with good information.
Many do not realize these personalities exist in the work place, in homes.
Many do not realize these personalities exist in the work place, in homes.
May 18, 2024
Not super-revelatory, but it did help me understand some things about my P-A man.
September 28, 2024
读的时候在想“为什么不分手？”“为什么不吵一架？” 我会主动远离任何让我情绪有波动的人。所以已经很难理解感动痛苦还不愿意放弃一段感情的人。
October 25, 2019
Yes. Getting by. Glad for my masters degree ...
Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews