Commitment Dialogues: How to Talk Your Way Through the Tough Times and Build a Stronger Relationship

by Matthew McKay

Why is it that men and women don't seem to understand each other or see things in the same light? In 1993, through his huge international bestseller, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray said the reason was because men and women were from two different planets. In 2004, Matthew McKay, Ph.D., says it's because of fear -- and the way women and men react to the four different types of fear -- that destroy committed relationships. Further, in The Commitment Dialogues, Dr. Matthew McKay and writer Barbara Quick offer couples hope that there is a way to actually talk about issues, understand each other, and compromise on the main issues in committed relationships: money, sex, children, time, etc. The Commitment Dialogues is a unique approach to relationship and communication books in that it allows readers to witness dialogue between couples that have been in therapy with Dr. McKay and learn where and why the discussions turn sour. In turn, Dr. McKay dissects the dialogues and illustrates the more effective ways of talking about these issues.; Readers will learn that the lack of communication or the miscommunication that happens in their committed relationships is due to four types of fear: Fear of Engulfment, Fear of Abandonment, Fear of Shame, Fear of Emptiness. When our reactions are based on fear - whichever type it is - we tend to project that fear onto the other person and the conversation turns sour. Now, in The Commitment Dialogues, readers will finally learn how to identify that fear and implement it productively instead of allowing it to sabotage relationships by seeing their biggest communication blunders in living color through the examples and dialogues of others in similar situations.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology

239 pages, ebook

First published January 2, 2005

About the author

Matthew McKay, PhD, is a professor of psychology at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, and author of more than 30 professional psychology and self-help books which have sold a combined total of more than 3 million copies. He is co-founder of independent self-help publisher, New Harbinger Publications. He was the clinical director of Haight Ashbury Psychological Services in San Francisco for twenty five years. He is current director of the Berkeley CBT Clinic. An accomplished novelist and poet, his poetry has appeared in two volumes from Plum Branch Press and in more than sixty literary magazines. His most recent novel, Wawona Hotel, was
published by Boaz Press in 2008.

Reviews

[D · Rating 3 out of 5]

A useful read that identifies 4 core fears that play into couples' conflicts, and how to work around them.

1. Fear of Engulfment: Will I exist if I merger with you?

2. Fear of Abandonment - runners (leave first) or clingers

3. Fear of Shame: You won’t love me if you see the real me

4. Fear of Emptiness: If I keep moving, I won’t have to look inside - seeing people in love lose their passion for each other. Vulnerable to emptiness, meaninglessness, depression and boredom.
Remember - emptiness is just a temporary state. It’s like a wave. It may last a few hours or a few days or weeks. But it, too, shall pass.

A new intense sexual relationship feels great to someone coping with emptiness.
The honeymoon phase is full of sexual and emotional discovery. Everything is new and interesting.
For a time, the emptiness and depression are hidden.
Then the relationship plateaus. There are conflicts, periods of withdrawal. The sexual energy subsides a little. Commitment wavers and the relationship begins to feel like a trap. The only escape is another new, intense involvement.

Coping with Emptiness

Step 1: Recognize that emptiness, like all painful emotional states, is temporary.

Step 2: Acknowledge the feeling. Give a name to the experience. Describe the loneliness and yearning or the numbness. Give words to what’s chasing you, and make it less scary. We can manage it as a team. The worst thing about emptiness is being alone with it. Collaborate on ways to face off depression and vulnerability.

Step 3: Plan a set of strategies to push emptiness away: exercise, walks, romantic weekend, massage, time with friends, movies, cooking, eating, talking

Step 4: Build “emptiness tolerance.” Focus attention outside the self and/or meditation to peace and calm inside.



Masking Issues
Time: Time taps into core needs: the hunger for connection and human nourishment, the need to be seen and known, and also the need for autonomy, private self
Money
Children
Sex

Couples Research

Issue/Conflict:
Fears:
Other feelings:
History:
Assumptions:
Perceived choices:
Needs:

Adapted from When Anger Hurts Your Relationship by Kim Paleg, PhD and Matthew McKay PhD.