Bernhard the Conqueror

Bernhard #2

by Sam J. Lundwall

What's a hundred thousand years more or less to the universe? To ex-private Bernhard breaking rocks on a prison planet, every day felt like eternity. To the myriads of people, robots, and self thinking servo-mechanisms aboard the twenty thousand mile long spaceship Refanut, it seemed like just another day on their endless trip.

But when Bernhard escaped to the Refanut, things changed sharply. For all the machinery on the fabulous starship—pride of a long forgotten galactic empire—had been accidentally programmed to adore Bernhard—and all its people would just as gladly cut his throat.

Genres: Science Fiction, Science Fiction Fantasy

159 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 1973

About the author

Sam Thore Jerrie Lundwall (born 24 February 1941), published as Sam J. Lundwall, is a Swedish science fiction writer, translator, publisher and singer. He translated a number of science-fiction-related articles and works from Swedish into English.

Reviews

[Karl · Rating 3 out of 5]

(DAW Collectors #58

Cover Artist: Tim Kirk

Name: Lundwall, Sam Thore Jerrie, Birthplace: Stockholm, Sweden. Birthdate: 24 February 1941.

This is the second book in the series which consists of

1. No Time For Heroes (1971)
2. Bernhard the Conqueror (1973)
3. Bernhard's Magical Summer (1974)

Bernhard Rordin, Private E-1 in the Armed Forces of the Galactic Empire is serving a twenty year sentence on a prison planet nicknamed" Ol’ Slow Death". One day the massive ship Refanut passes overhead. It’s hard to miss since it’s twenty thousand miles long.

A scoutship lands next to Bernhard. The man is looking for the Pleasure Palaces. He doesn’t know how much time has gone by and that they don’t exist anymore. When he dies Bernhard manages to get into his scoutship and get to the Refanut.

Now he runs into all kinds of bizarre adventures including coming across a door that’s in love with him that ends up putting him into a trash compactor. Also on board is Captain Superhawk and over six hundred officers.

The book is quite bizarre.

[Lizz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t write reviews.

This story was one zany, madcap adventure through time and space. Man is in decline, robots and other forms of artificial life, on the rise. These computer brains are just as crazy as humanity, so the universe remains screwed and screwy. A quick and highly entertaining read.

[Stephen Rowland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Last year I read Lundwall's "2018 A. D. or the King Kong Blues" and thought it was a load of annoyingly edgy shit, written only to shock. Too bad I got rid of my copy, I'd like to revisit it after loving this one so much. My adoration is atypical because this novel is a science fiction comedy, a subgenre I usually loathe since I am not a Douglas Adams-worshiping virgin. "Bernhard the Conqueror," though, is FUNNY. Consistently. And this is coming from a person with a sensitive, tortured soul who finds it incredibly difficult to laugh, therefore to the rest of you loud, dull apes it must be fucking uproarious. Lundwall is Swedish. The only other science fiction comedy I have actually enjoyed is the Belgian "Where Were You Last Pluterday?. IS MY SENSE OF HUMOR SOMEHOW GEOGRAPHICAL? Or are my sensibilities just more refined and lofty and EUROPEAN? The answer is probably both, and the obscurity of the aforementioned novels probably has something to do with them not being 200-page fart jokes.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bernhard the Conqueror is the second book in a trilogy by Sam J. Lundwall. I read the first book, "No Time For Heroes" as part of an Ace Double many years ago. The second part of the Ace Double was, "Alice's World", also by Sam. J. Lundwall. I did not realize that there were any more books in this series until I saw this one at a used book store recently. I also found out that there is a third book called, "Bernhard's Magical Summer", which I will read if I can find a copy.
In this one, Bernhard Rordin is a prisoner on a prison world called, "Ol’ Slow Death". When he sees a chance at escape he steals a shuttlecraft which takes him to a gigantic spaceship called the Refanut. On this ship, he has one misadventure after another and escapes death several times by using his wits, which unfortunately for him, he has very few. This book is good fun in a tongue-in-cheek sorta way. It is dated but it is a short read and an amusing take on science fiction.

[A.R. Yngve · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lundwalls uppföljare till INGA HJÄLTAR HÄR är tydligt inspirerad av Harry Harrisons klassiker BILL, THE GALACITC HERO. Otroligt rolig, om man känner till vad den parodierar.

[David Layton · Rating 3 out of 5]

The second of Lundwall's novels about Private E-1 Bernhard Rordin takes the reader on a romp through a galaxy filled with ne'er-do-wells, pirates, smartass machines, and would-be dictators. The novel is basically a picaresque story in space. As such, it really does not have much of a plot. Bernhard gets kicked around, chased, beaten up, berated, belittled, and bullied through one episode after another. Also, the novel lacks any depth of characterization. All characters are mouthpieces for certain ideas or positions. The novel is broadly satiric, meaning that it does not have many specific targets of satire but instead shows the small-mindedness of many concepts. Targets of the satire include solipsism, through a computer that believes it is the creator of the universe; male sexual fantasies, through a basement brothel filled with sexy robots that no one can have sex with; the military, through a planet-sized spaceship run by pointless tradition and routine; and many other aspects of life and politics. Bernhard himself is not a particularly likeable guy, though the reader can sympathize with his goal of a simple life where his only ambition is to do what he is told as long as the job is easy. Satiric science fiction was growing in frequency in the 1960s and 1970s and into the 1980s, with various levels of success. On the one hand, there is the deeply philosophical satire of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the early novels of Robert Sheckley, and Red Dwarf. Then there is the quick-attack satire of the novels of Ron Goulart, for example, which really do not give the reader much to ponder. Bernhard the Conqueror is of the latter type. Lundwall has written much better novels, such as Alice's World. This one is more an entertaining quick read.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bernhard is enslaved on a prison world when he sees a chance at escape. Little does he know that the escape will lead him on a strange twilight-zonish journey full of wacky characters and robots. The author writes a space parody that at times is very amusing and at other times oddly stupid. Yet through all of it, the author seeks us to ponder the meaning of life--and sadly- the meaning is really not that powerful or even realistic....

Throughout that journey, Barnhard will find himself dealing with despot after despot-- little martinets of men who aspire to great power and greatness. For example, he stumbles into section of a giant spaceship and finds himself surrounded by military officers. These officers have been isolated for a very long time and are full of glee to find a private-- so that they have someone to order around and intimidate-- not to mention torture. In another place, he finds a man who claims to be the emperor of the Great Utopia---Who has been forced to shot dead everyone who ever disagreed with him and so is all alone....

The author goes to great lengths to mock anybody and everybody in authority, forms of government, etc. The parody goes to great lengths to teach us that anarchy, as bad as it is, is only slightly worse than any other setting we can find ourselves in.

The writing isn't bad, the plot is interesting, and eventually some of the silliness has some rational reason to it. The conclusion is meant to be ironic and funny-- but instead left me feeling sad and disappointed.

I'm glad I got this off of the outside (i.e. cheap) racks of the local used bookstore. Probably paid .10 for it.... I got at least my money's worth, but I won't be seeking out more by this author. He's either too stupid for me or so deeply intellectual that I don't comprehend him.

[Sophia Armstrong · Rating 3 out of 5]

Such a strange, strange book.
Felt like what I imagine iowaska to be like.
I liked Bernard, I love a main character that is just a shitty guy and he was throughout just a shitty guy.
I enjoyed that aspectttt with how fast everything was changing in the book Bernard was a nice constant he was simple, quick to understand and never changed.

Was only 160 pages or something like that so super quick read I highly recommend just for how strange it was :]

[Brian Cohen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very light, very fast paced, imaginative sci-fi novel that’s fun without inspiring too much thought. Another review mentioned Ron Goulart, and the style definitely reminded me of his. My main issue with the book is that there’s simply no plot, the protagonist jumps from one wild scene to another until the book reaches an end. An amusing, quick read.

[Patrik Sahlstrøm · Rating 4 out of 5]

A freestanding continuation of Lundwalls previous parodies over "golden age" SF. Very funny, but the book has one weakness. There really is no story here, just a series of more or less random gags. Funny gags but the lack of a real plot knocks off one star. Fun read, but don't make the mistake of reading too many of Lundwalls books in a row, he doesn't have much variety

[Erik-Andre Albrecht · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is by far the best book I have ever read. I've read it over and over and it makes me laugh ans smile every time.
Why is this story and its main character is so little known?
It outpaces and leaps beyond most well know sci-fi stories out there. I want the MOVIE!

[Graham · Rating 1 out of 5]

Madcap. Just nonsense.

[Håkan Torevik · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sam J Lundwall har betytt så mycket för svensk fantastik att det är omöjligt att börja räkna upp allt. Mest känd för mig är han som förläggare och redaktör, men han skrev tydligen en radda romaner med.

Uppdrag i universum är en parodi på pulp-SF som driver det hejdlösa och det ologiska i skräplitteraturen till sin slapstickfyllda spets. En ovillig protagonist slängs runt i universum bland vrålande militärer, allsmäktiga datorhjärnor och galna vetenskapsmän. Tempot är högt och det är ingen idé att försöka hitta någon djupare mening. Den röda tråden är det oväntade och poängen är att individen i grunden är maktlös.

Tänk en skopa Catch 22, en rejäl dos Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy (fast denna skrevs flera år före) och en nypa ursvensk satir blandat med tio liter ös. En jäkla åktur.