Forgiving and Not Forgiving: Why Sometimes It's Better Not to Forgive [Paperback] [2000] (Author) Jeanne Safer

by Jeanne Safer

Beginning with her own gripping story of betrayal, and drawing on over 50 intimate in-depth interview with others, Dr. Safer offers a fresh and consoling perspective demonstrating that universal forgiveness is not the only acceptable response to intimate betrayal.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships

Unknown Binding

First published August 1, 1999

About the author

Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City, is the author of The Golden Condom, Beyond Motherhood, The Normal One, and several other books. Dr. Safer has appeared on The Daily Show and Good Morning America as well as numerous NPR broadcasts. Her work has been the subject of articles in the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. She is the host of the I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics podcast.

Reviews

[Luis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Map but not the territory

In many respects this is an excellent book: nuanced, thoughtful, well-written. Perhaps most strikingly, I went into it thinking about one situation in my life, but reading it made me with two others in a deep way I had not previously done, that I suspect will have ramifications (hopefully positive!) for some time to come.

At the same time, exactly because of the nuance and complexity, don't go into this expecting solutions to personal challenges. The book is more likely to leave you with questions and challenges than answers.

[Char Ouellette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unusual concept that makes sense

I chose to give this book 5 stars because this is a concept I had not even considered and it made so much sense when struggling with the emotions of betrayal by family. I will re-read it again in hopes of gleaning more bits of wisdom to bring peace and understanding to a confused heart.

[Deborah Hagler Wong · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pretty thorough coverage of the reasons for or against forgiveness, including the author's own account. A refreshing change from the expectation that everyone should forgive those who have wronged them. Rule of thumb is that if your heart isn't in it when you forgive those who have wronged you, it isn't genuine. The best part is that you don't HAVE to forgive the ones who caused you so much hurt. Other cases cover varying degrees of forgiveness.

[Victor K. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Necessary Nuance to the topic of Forgiveness

No stone was left unturned in this comprehensive exploration of the spectrum of forgiveness. This has been helpful as I'm in the process of redefining and reengaging the concept from a Judeo-Christian perspective. Thank you Dr. Safer.

[Ang Letzner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can only say wow. Game changer

[Spicy T AKA Mr. Tea · Rating 2 out of 5]

So this book was sitting on my shelf for a number of years. I went through some shit and decided to read it along with a few other pop-psychology books. It was alright--nothing too amazing. One problem I consistently encounter when reading books like this--this is the third of its kind--is that the authors tend to be very mainstream and use examples and assumptions that in my book are fucked up and don't relate to me well. There were some good insights though--like taking responsibility for our actions, allowing one to forgive oneself, and the author states that it is OK to not forgive someone. Simply forgiving everyone who does you harm can be emotionally and physically harmful--especially in spaces or with people where trauma and abuse has occurred. So, in the end, I suppose this book had some wisdom, but it wasn't an amazing read. Very mainstream. If you're grasping for straws, you might get something out of it. If I hadn't been where I was, this book would probably still be sitting on my bookshelf with a fresh layer of dust on it.

[Shannon Flynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A thoughtful compilation of wronged individuals, and the unique ways they reconciled themselves -- or refuse to -- with their enemies. It's refreshing to read that it's possible, and be granted expert permission, to morally and rationally refuse to forgive.