What do you think?
Rate this book
Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Talking About Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior
The authors of the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations show you how to achieve personal, team, and organizational success by healing broken promises, resolving violated expectations, and influencing good behavior.
Behind the problems that routinely plague organizations and families, you'll find individuals who are either unwilling or unable to deal with failed promises. Others have broken rules, missed deadlines, failed to live up to commitments, or just plain behaved badly—and nobody steps up to the issue. Or they do, but do a lousy job and create a whole new set of problems. Accountability suffers and new problems spring up. New research demonstrates that these disappointments aren't just irritating, they're costly—sapping organizational performance by twenty to fifty percent and accounting for up to ninety percent of divorces.
Crucial Confrontations teaches skills drawn from 10,000 hours of real-life observations to increase confidence in facing issues like:
- An employee speaks to you in an insulting tone that crosses the line between sarcasm and insubordination. Now what?
- Your boss just committed you to a deadline you know you can't meet—and not-so-subtly hinted he doesn't want to hear complaints about it.
- Your son walks through the door sporting colorful new body art that raises your blood pressure by forty points. Speak now, pay later.
- An accountant wonders how to step up to a client who is violating the law. Can you spell unemployment?
- Family members fret over how to tell granddad that he should no longer drive his car. This is going to get ugly.
- A nurse worries about what to say to an abusive physician. She quickly remembers "how things work around here" and decides not to say anything.
Everyone knows how to run for cover, or if adequately provoked, step up to these confrontations in a way that causes a real ruckus. That we have down pat. Crucial Confrontations teaches you how to deal with violated expectations in a way that solves the problem at hand, and doesn't harm the relationship—and in fact, even strengthens it.
Crucial Confrontations borrows from twenty years of research involving two groups. More than 25,000 people helped the authors identify those who were most influential during crucial confrontations. They spent 10,000 hours watching these people, documented what they saw, and then trained and tested with more than 300,000 people. Second, they measured the impact of crucial confrontations improvements on organizational and team performance—the results were immediate and sustainable: twenty to fifty percent improvements in measurable performance.
Behind the problems that routinely plague organizations and families, you'll find individuals who are either unwilling or unable to deal with failed promises. Others have broken rules, missed deadlines, failed to live up to commitments, or just plain behaved badly—and nobody steps up to the issue. Or they do, but do a lousy job and create a whole new set of problems. Accountability suffers and new problems spring up. New research demonstrates that these disappointments aren't just irritating, they're costly—sapping organizational performance by twenty to fifty percent and accounting for up to ninety percent of divorces.
Crucial Confrontations teaches skills drawn from 10,000 hours of real-life observations to increase confidence in facing issues like:
- An employee speaks to you in an insulting tone that crosses the line between sarcasm and insubordination. Now what?
- Your boss just committed you to a deadline you know you can't meet—and not-so-subtly hinted he doesn't want to hear complaints about it.
- Your son walks through the door sporting colorful new body art that raises your blood pressure by forty points. Speak now, pay later.
- An accountant wonders how to step up to a client who is violating the law. Can you spell unemployment?
- Family members fret over how to tell granddad that he should no longer drive his car. This is going to get ugly.
- A nurse worries about what to say to an abusive physician. She quickly remembers "how things work around here" and decides not to say anything.
Everyone knows how to run for cover, or if adequately provoked, step up to these confrontations in a way that causes a real ruckus. That we have down pat. Crucial Confrontations teaches you how to deal with violated expectations in a way that solves the problem at hand, and doesn't harm the relationship—and in fact, even strengthens it.
Crucial Confrontations borrows from twenty years of research involving two groups. More than 25,000 people helped the authors identify those who were most influential during crucial confrontations. They spent 10,000 hours watching these people, documented what they saw, and then trained and tested with more than 300,000 people. Second, they measured the impact of crucial confrontations improvements on organizational and team performance—the results were immediate and sustainable: twenty to fifty percent improvements in measurable performance.
280 pages, Paperback
First published August 26, 2004
About the author
Kerry Patterson
49 books389 followersKerry is a prolific writer who has coauthored numerous articles and award-winning training programs. Kerry taught at Brigham Young University’s Marriott School of Management and then cofounded Interact Performance Systems, where he worked for ten years as vice president of research and development. Kerry is coauthor of the New York Times bestsellers Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. Kerry has completed doctoral work at Stanford University. He is a recipient of the Mentor of the Year Award and the 2004 William G. Dyer Distinguished Alumni Award from Brigham Young University.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 260 reviews
October 11, 2010
I'm not much of a confrontational person because I lose control when emotions and stakes are high. But after reading this book, I really do feel like I could talk to anyone about anything, if I had the time to plan for it. It takes preparation to make a crucial confrontation go well.
What I liked from the book is how the authors encourage you to have your crucial confrontations. So often we shy out of them and endure the unpleasant consequences. It's almost always worth it to have them. Another main point I really liked is how they tell you to get your story straight. We so often assign horrible character traits to someone causing us grief. Instead, we need to ask ourselves, 'Why would a rational, intelligent person act this way?' And examine if we are part of the problem. Those are only a few of the great steps to having a successful conversation.
What I liked from the book is how the authors encourage you to have your crucial confrontations. So often we shy out of them and endure the unpleasant consequences. It's almost always worth it to have them. Another main point I really liked is how they tell you to get your story straight. We so often assign horrible character traits to someone causing us grief. Instead, we need to ask ourselves, 'Why would a rational, intelligent person act this way?' And examine if we are part of the problem. Those are only a few of the great steps to having a successful conversation.
May 28, 2012
If you want to really help people excel in life - this is a must have book on communication. It really deals with so much more than communication and confrontation. The chapter on motivation has given me so much more understanding on how people are motivated and it gave me some really great tools to help others and myself get unstuck.
I also loved this quote on safety "At the foundation of every successful confrontation lies safety. When others feel frightened or nervous or otherwise unsafe, you can't talk about anything. But if you can create safety, you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything - even about failed promises."
I also loved this quote on safety "At the foundation of every successful confrontation lies safety. When others feel frightened or nervous or otherwise unsafe, you can't talk about anything. But if you can create safety, you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything - even about failed promises."
March 29, 2011
A very interesting and helpful resource in dealing with those uncomfortable situations that often waste time and leave with hurt feelings. However, it was quite a convoluted way to explain common sense, especially since there was too often little in exact details to handling a situation. To put it simply, imagine reading a book on how to change the oil in a car. If this author wrote that book, you would know all the signs leading up to changing the oil, but none on exactly how to do it. Still, this book does provide helpful information, and the additional activities with the website truly gives you all the tools in seeing the signs of a crucial confrontation, analyzing those signs, and ultimately coming up with your own solution.
February 25, 2018
This book is essentially about the art of confronting other individuals in as safe a way as possible which allows individuals to articulate some of their challenging thoughts and messages they often want to convey to other colleagues or family members but are unable to do so for a variety of reasons. Not be up able to have these conversations can have hugely deleterious effects on any organisation or even a household as well where people don’t have the ability to speak truth to power or to articulate what it is that is gnawing away deep deep inside of their minds. This was a follow on from another book called crucial conversations. I highly recommend both of these books; and here are my favourite bits from the book:
•In the best companies people will hold a crucial confrontation face-to-face and in the moment.This of course takes skill.
•We can’t go in determined to fix everyone else and expect to get the results we are really after, we can only really ever change ourselves.
•Perhaps the largest mistake we are making is exaggerating the cost of confronting an issue, This stems from the erroneous belief that the existing world always punishes people who are naive enough to speak their minds.
•Effective problem solvers observe an infraction and then tell themselves a more complete and accurate story. Instead of asking what’s the matter with that person? They ask why would a reasonable rational and decent person do things like that? In asking this humanising question the individual is able to routinely master crucial confrontations and adapt to any situation. Instead of arguing the others are misbehaving only because of personal characteristics influence conversation Masters look to the environment and ask what other sources of influence are acting on this person? What is causing this person to do that?.
•Admitting that problem might stem from several different causes changes our whole approach. We aren't certain, we aren’t smug, we aren't angry and we slowdown, we're curious instead of being boiling mad. We feel the need to gather in all data rather Then charge in guns all blazing. We moved from Judge jury and executioner to curious participant.
•When others know that you value them as a person and care about their interests they will give you an amazing amount of leeway. They will let you say almost anything. That’s why your four-year-old granddaughter can tell you that you are fat without offending you. You know that she loves and respects you and that her motives are pure. This after all is an innocent child. However if what you say or how you say it causes others to conclude that you do not respect him or that you have selfish and perverse motives nothing you say will work.
•First imagine what others might Mistakenly conclude. Second immediately explain that this is what you DO NOT not mean. Third as a contrasting point explain what you do Very clearly mean. The important part is the do not portion of the statement. Explaining about you do not mean early in the conversation when giving them feedback.
•Here are some of the factors that Ricky considers as he contemplates the reason why he thinks his wife is always staying out late with work and what some of the logical arguments may be for her to be doing that and why she may not just simply be having an affair. Number one Ricky knows that Eleanor has a strong desire to succeed she is climbing the ladder at work and is willing to pay the price. Number two she may be avoiding talking to Ricky because she worries about having an ugly confrontation with him. Number three he is clearly contributing. He has taken to making sarcastic comments about the time she spends with her boss he has been much less affectionate lately. Of course she finds less joy in being around him. Number four Eleanor has seemed especially anxious about their expenses that could be showing up in her acceptance of more overtime. And the five they work schedules are keeping them from spending much time together which can’t be helping. As Ricky explores other explanations something profound happens to him he calms down. Of course he is careful to not let this line of reasoning talk him into blaming himself. His goal is simply to balance the lying cheating wife story with other possibilities. He wants to be able to enter the conversation without adrenaline rushing through his veins turning him into a argumentative monster. The effect of this is significant. The new story creates a sense of curiosity and compassion. He begins to hold his suspicions more tentatively. He still wants to talk but is less inclined to become emotional and leap in with that accusation.
•In the best companies people will hold a crucial confrontation face-to-face and in the moment.This of course takes skill.
•We can’t go in determined to fix everyone else and expect to get the results we are really after, we can only really ever change ourselves.
•Perhaps the largest mistake we are making is exaggerating the cost of confronting an issue, This stems from the erroneous belief that the existing world always punishes people who are naive enough to speak their minds.
•Effective problem solvers observe an infraction and then tell themselves a more complete and accurate story. Instead of asking what’s the matter with that person? They ask why would a reasonable rational and decent person do things like that? In asking this humanising question the individual is able to routinely master crucial confrontations and adapt to any situation. Instead of arguing the others are misbehaving only because of personal characteristics influence conversation Masters look to the environment and ask what other sources of influence are acting on this person? What is causing this person to do that?.
•Admitting that problem might stem from several different causes changes our whole approach. We aren't certain, we aren’t smug, we aren't angry and we slowdown, we're curious instead of being boiling mad. We feel the need to gather in all data rather Then charge in guns all blazing. We moved from Judge jury and executioner to curious participant.
•When others know that you value them as a person and care about their interests they will give you an amazing amount of leeway. They will let you say almost anything. That’s why your four-year-old granddaughter can tell you that you are fat without offending you. You know that she loves and respects you and that her motives are pure. This after all is an innocent child. However if what you say or how you say it causes others to conclude that you do not respect him or that you have selfish and perverse motives nothing you say will work.
•First imagine what others might Mistakenly conclude. Second immediately explain that this is what you DO NOT not mean. Third as a contrasting point explain what you do Very clearly mean. The important part is the do not portion of the statement. Explaining about you do not mean early in the conversation when giving them feedback.
•Here are some of the factors that Ricky considers as he contemplates the reason why he thinks his wife is always staying out late with work and what some of the logical arguments may be for her to be doing that and why she may not just simply be having an affair. Number one Ricky knows that Eleanor has a strong desire to succeed she is climbing the ladder at work and is willing to pay the price. Number two she may be avoiding talking to Ricky because she worries about having an ugly confrontation with him. Number three he is clearly contributing. He has taken to making sarcastic comments about the time she spends with her boss he has been much less affectionate lately. Of course she finds less joy in being around him. Number four Eleanor has seemed especially anxious about their expenses that could be showing up in her acceptance of more overtime. And the five they work schedules are keeping them from spending much time together which can’t be helping. As Ricky explores other explanations something profound happens to him he calms down. Of course he is careful to not let this line of reasoning talk him into blaming himself. His goal is simply to balance the lying cheating wife story with other possibilities. He wants to be able to enter the conversation without adrenaline rushing through his veins turning him into a argumentative monster. The effect of this is significant. The new story creates a sense of curiosity and compassion. He begins to hold his suspicions more tentatively. He still wants to talk but is less inclined to become emotional and leap in with that accusation.
July 31, 2016
Clear-cut and well-organised, but how applicable?
This is an often-recommended book: it has everyday scenarios, clear acronyms and a cohesive structure.
As I’m the sort of person who grimly goes alea iacta est into confrontations, the book presents numerous new elegant options. They are all applicable, accessible to all and obviously better alternatives to "throw it out there and outrun the others until they run out of steam and they are willing to listen".
So far, the only issue I have found is that it didn't cram in enough examples to allow the reader to practice the mechanism on, only enough to exemplify it. Practice irl, it is.
This is an often-recommended book: it has everyday scenarios, clear acronyms and a cohesive structure.
As I’m the sort of person who grimly goes alea iacta est into confrontations, the book presents numerous new elegant options. They are all applicable, accessible to all and obviously better alternatives to "throw it out there and outrun the others until they run out of steam and they are willing to listen".
So far, the only issue I have found is that it didn't cram in enough examples to allow the reader to practice the mechanism on, only enough to exemplify it. Practice irl, it is.
July 2, 2012
It's been a little while since I read Crucial Conversations, so maybe I'm forgetting things, but it seems to me like this book is more or less more of the same. In that sense, it's good stuff. But if you're looking for something exciting and new that gives you valuable information on top of what you already learned from Crucial Conversations, well, not so much. I'd treat it more as an appendix to the original as opposed to a new volume. I'd give it four stars for the content, but only three since I think it would have been better to just add this material into a new and expanded version of Crucial Conversations.
January 11, 2016
This is an interesting book with many great suggestions for handling confrontations. The suggestions are well thought out and make a lot of sense. However, for me, they process of preparing and handling personal confrontations is to detailed and lengthy that by the time I get through the process, the person I am involved with will have died of old age. In real life situations where confrontations come up so quickly, are so involved and complicated, the intense evaluation of the situation is subject to error. The real questions may not be discovered until too late in the process. I wonder how effective this intense on-the-spot evaluation process will actually work in real time for me. I do intend to at least try the process.
June 30, 2011
I know you won't admit it, but you're just like me.
You have all those very difficult conversations that you know you need to have, but you run from them. Your co-worker gets away with anything, even though everyone knows they can't be trusted. That issue has been hanging between you and your spouse, and you just don't know how to address it without tempers flaring. Your children would benefit from more engagement with life, but whenever you bring it up they roll their eyes at the guest lecturer.
Well, it's possible to hold people accountable in a way that builds the relationship (rather than in a way that harms it). These authors figured it out by observing those who were good at it. I should mention that much of what they say is biblical, although I don't even know if they realize it.
You have all those very difficult conversations that you know you need to have, but you run from them. Your co-worker gets away with anything, even though everyone knows they can't be trusted. That issue has been hanging between you and your spouse, and you just don't know how to address it without tempers flaring. Your children would benefit from more engagement with life, but whenever you bring it up they roll their eyes at the guest lecturer.
Well, it's possible to hold people accountable in a way that builds the relationship (rather than in a way that harms it). These authors figured it out by observing those who were good at it. I should mention that much of what they say is biblical, although I don't even know if they realize it.
July 20, 2015
It is a helpful resource for dealing with uncomfortable situations. I have already experienced success in its application. The principles it uses to guide accountability conversations are wholistic and well grounded, rather than a set of gimmicks or tricks to get people to bend to the desired outcome. The process leads to a win-win situation with both parties becoming better people.
March 25, 2016
Perhaps there are some great ideas there but the book as a whole is poorly written. Unorganized.
July 1, 2024
A short and useful book on why it's crucial to have difficult conversations to address issues with others and not let them fester. In the vein of Patterson and Grenny's previous book (also coauthored by Stephen Covey) Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, and Tavris and Aronson's excellent Mistakes Were Made, but Not by Me: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts), the crux of this book is that you need to determine what the main issue is when something upsets you, and go into a difficult conversation with as open a mind as possible and a curiosity to learn the other person's motives (rather than just assume they're bad).
My statistics:
Book 139 for 2024
Book 1740 cumulatively
My statistics:
Book 139 for 2024
Book 1740 cumulatively
April 29, 2021
I've enjoyed crucial conversations in the past (twice) and will be reading this one again at some point in the near future. Topics and stories were well organized.
One thing I would find helpful after reading this book is to immediately begin to look for situations, triggers, words and actions that others may do that may initiate a crucial conversation. In a work place, and if possible, one way to avoid crucial conversations is with transparency. If you have trust with your team and managers, and are open about what you are working on and why, this often saves the challenge of having one. However, with this book, you should be more comfortable in having it.
One thing I would find helpful after reading this book is to immediately begin to look for situations, triggers, words and actions that others may do that may initiate a crucial conversation. In a work place, and if possible, one way to avoid crucial conversations is with transparency. If you have trust with your team and managers, and are open about what you are working on and why, this often saves the challenge of having one. However, with this book, you should be more comfortable in having it.
June 6, 2024
4.5 rounding up to 5. I picked up this book by accident. I thought i was getting crucial conversations and was confused when they referred to it.
But it was timely and the first chapter gave insight into an issue in my life that i could apply right away
I’m pretty good at these conversations. I think I naturally follow these steps. Most of the time. Which means some of the time my conversations don’t go well and having this broken down really helped me see why things derail sometimes and how to fix it.
I do think following these steps a person could talk about anything to anyone. If communication is difficult in your life this is a great book.
But it was timely and the first chapter gave insight into an issue in my life that i could apply right away
I’m pretty good at these conversations. I think I naturally follow these steps. Most of the time. Which means some of the time my conversations don’t go well and having this broken down really helped me see why things derail sometimes and how to fix it.
I do think following these steps a person could talk about anything to anyone. If communication is difficult in your life this is a great book.
January 19, 2025
Trong quá trình đối thoại, người có nội tâm yếu đuối giống như những đứa trẻ mới lớn tiếng kêu gọi sự “Công Bằng”. Còn một người trưởng thành có nội tâm mạnh mẽ sẽ không theo đuổi sự “công bằng” trong quá trình đối thoại mà sẽ nghĩ cách làm sao để có thể giải quyết được vấn đề, làm thế nào để tốt hơn cho cả hai.
July 8, 2018
From beginning to quarter end of the book is very hard to understand, perhaps there were a lot of metaphors? however the end part is easily understandable and relate able.
January 14, 2020
This has a lot of very interesting and actionable information. I read a number of things that I’ll be working to include in my interactions. Overall, quite good.
September 10, 2020
This was the course book for University of Michigan training and has been very useful in understanding my thought process when involved in a confrontation.
November 17, 2020
Good conclusion at the end. Still found that this needs a lot of practices by myself. Reading this book is like reading articles on the internet. The book was published more than a decade ago, a lot of concepts might be ground-breaking then though. Not a content-heavy one. Deserves 3.5/5
May 23, 2022
Great material but better as a course. I will forget most of it within the hour.
Listened on audio while I worked on a puzzle.
Listened on audio while I worked on a puzzle.
February 6, 2024
A solid framework for confrontation. I wish they had done a deeper dive into how to establish safety internally before trying to create it externally, but overall helpful.
July 22, 2026
Stale.
Most of it is common sense dressed up in proprietary acronyms. It reads like a corporate training deck padded into a book.
The only good thing that came out of this book was lighting a fire within me to switch to fiction for a while.
Most of it is common sense dressed up in proprietary acronyms. It reads like a corporate training deck padded into a book.
The only good thing that came out of this book was lighting a fire within me to switch to fiction for a while.
December 27, 2017
Riveting and sooooo applicable.
July 10, 2013
This feels like more of a textbook than a non fiction for the layman, but that may have been because it was lent to me in a set of two, with an audio guide. It reads like a self help book, which is really what it is.
I think almost everyone needs this book. Most people are not very good at having crucial confrontations with others in a way that's effective and motivating. Usually they avoid the conversation entirely, or don't get to the root of the problem. Frequently people resort too quickly to threats or guilt or other power plays to get people to do what they want, instead of finding other ways of motivating them.
Some of the suggestions in this book may come off as obvious. Some of them make complete sense, but are things that I never thought of, such as if you want to make someone tell you what's really keeping them from completing a task, you have to make it "safe" for them to speak the truth.
I think that this book is a good start towards learning to be a better leader and a better communicator. It's certainly better than most "leadership" books I've read, because it's specific and detailed. It'll take a lot of study and memorization to incorporate the ideas, however, especially because so many of them are abstract and oddly described.
I think almost everyone needs this book. Most people are not very good at having crucial confrontations with others in a way that's effective and motivating. Usually they avoid the conversation entirely, or don't get to the root of the problem. Frequently people resort too quickly to threats or guilt or other power plays to get people to do what they want, instead of finding other ways of motivating them.
Some of the suggestions in this book may come off as obvious. Some of them make complete sense, but are things that I never thought of, such as if you want to make someone tell you what's really keeping them from completing a task, you have to make it "safe" for them to speak the truth.
I think that this book is a good start towards learning to be a better leader and a better communicator. It's certainly better than most "leadership" books I've read, because it's specific and detailed. It'll take a lot of study and memorization to incorporate the ideas, however, especially because so many of them are abstract and oddly described.
July 13, 2017
This book addresses how to deal with disappointments, and to handle sensitive discussions around broken promises, missed expectations, and bad behaviour. [Vs "Crucial Conversations" deals with disagreements]
The ideas and tips are good, probably one of the better books on communications. Especially since such scenarios are something that all of us face at work and at home, all the time.
But, the writing's style is really convoluted, which makes the book a little hard to read.
E.g. this paragraph is supposed to say that adults also have peer pressure:
"From the way adults talk, you'd think peer pressure disappears a few weeks after the senior prom. We constantly warn our children against the insidious forces wielded by their friends. Yet rarely do we consider the fact that those forces aren't switched off in some mystical ritual when we finish high school..."
Could have been written in a simpler, more straightforward way?
The authors tried to include chapter summaries + a key diagram (which helps a little), but since this is a how-to book (rather than a concept book), the devil's in the details, and the details are lost in the pages. Would have given it 5* if not for the writing.
Book summary at: https://readingraphics.com/book-summa...
The ideas and tips are good, probably one of the better books on communications. Especially since such scenarios are something that all of us face at work and at home, all the time.
But, the writing's style is really convoluted, which makes the book a little hard to read.
E.g. this paragraph is supposed to say that adults also have peer pressure:
"From the way adults talk, you'd think peer pressure disappears a few weeks after the senior prom. We constantly warn our children against the insidious forces wielded by their friends. Yet rarely do we consider the fact that those forces aren't switched off in some mystical ritual when we finish high school..."
Could have been written in a simpler, more straightforward way?
The authors tried to include chapter summaries + a key diagram (which helps a little), but since this is a how-to book (rather than a concept book), the devil's in the details, and the details are lost in the pages. Would have given it 5* if not for the writing.
Book summary at: https://readingraphics.com/book-summa...
July 21, 2019
Well structured and practical. My takeaways were:
* Focus on what to confront: content, pattern or relationship;
* Identify if the gap is motivational or lack of ability;
* Identify personal, social and structural influences on both: motivation and ability.
I see how Crucial Confrontations can be combined with Quiet Leadership: Six Steps to Transforming Performance at Work.
Minus one star for not so useful companion content for the audio version of the book.
* Focus on what to confront: content, pattern or relationship;
* Identify if the gap is motivational or lack of ability;
* Identify personal, social and structural influences on both: motivation and ability.
I see how Crucial Confrontations can be combined with Quiet Leadership: Six Steps to Transforming Performance at Work.
Minus one star for not so useful companion content for the audio version of the book.
May 12, 2020
One more suggestion, start the book with the next to last appendix, When Things Go Right. The authors strongly suggest changing our belief system to focus more on appreciating and expressing it to those around us rather than focusing so much on their problems or deficits. This shouldn’t be buried at the tail end as it’s such an important concept to counterbalance the examples of dysfunctional behavior throughout.
July 15, 2016
A crucial confrontation is an accountability conversation about a meaningful gap between what was expected and what actually happened. The issue may be a broken promise, missed commitment, violated expectation, or recurring bad behavior. The authors' central argument is that many problems persist not because solutions are unknown, but because violations go unaddressed or are handled badly.
Silence can normalize repeated violations, but the alternative is not aggression. Accountability seeks to understand the gap, solve its cause, restore reliable expectations, and preserve the relationship where possible. The sequence is Work on Me First → Confront with Safety → Move to Action.
INTRODUCTION --- WHAT'S A CRUCIAL CONFRONTATION?
The basic structure is Expected behavior → Actual behavior → Gap. "You said the report would be finished Friday; it wasn't." "We agreed you would call if you were late; you didn't." The stakes become crucial when the gap affects safety, money, performance, trust, respect, or the future of a relationship.
People commonly oscillate between silence and aggression. The alternative is clear + direct + respectful accountability: "Why does this gap exist, and what should we do about it?" This does not depend solely on formal authority.
PART ONE --- WORK ON ME FIRST
Before confronting another person, solve two problems in yourself: WHAT exactly should be confronted, and WHY do you believe the person created the gap? The ideal starting state is clear about what happened, appropriately uncertain about why.
CHAPTER 1 --- CHOOSE WHAT AND IF
A single incident can contain several possible problems: the immediate behavior, its consequences, a repeated pattern, suspected intentions, or damaged trust. Effective accountability begins by selecting the problem that actually matters rather than confronting whichever detail is easiest to see.
The principal diagnostic is CPR: Content, Pattern, Relationship. Content asks what happened this time: "The report was due Friday and I haven't received it." Pattern asks what keeps happening: "We've discussed deadlines several times and they continue to be missed." Relationship asks what recurrence now means for trust, respect, reliability, competence, or predictability: "I'm beginning to feel I can't rely on your commitments." If you have essentially had the same content conversation ten times, the real issue may now be why you are on incident ten after nine previous conversations.
Inspect upstream intentions and downstream consequences. Intentions are inferred, not observed. When several issues exist, ask what you really want---and do not want---for yourself, the other person, and the relationship.
Then decide IF to confront. Ask: Am I acting it out? Coldness, sarcasm, distance, or resentment mean you may not have let it go. Ask whether your conscience is nagging, whether you are ignoring the risks of silence, or telling yourself you are helpless. Do not enforce standards that were never established; clarify differing expectations explicitly.
CHAPTER 2 --- MASTER MY STORIES
After identifying the right problem, examine the story you have constructed about its cause. People observe behavior and rapidly infer motive: "lazy," "selfish," "doesn't care," "doesn't respect me." The sequence is Facts → Story → Emotion → Action. A hostile story produces anger or contempt, which produces an accusatory opening, which can provoke defensiveness that then appears to confirm the original story.
Separate facts---what a camera could record---from interpretations. "We agreed on Friday; it arrived Monday" is fact. "He doesn't take commitments seriously" is story. Counter the tendency to explain others' failures by character while explaining your own by circumstances. Ask: "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?" This is not an excuse or declaration of innocence; it forces alternative hypotheses and replaces certainty with curiosity.
Most gaps divide into motivation and ability: wouldn't versus couldn't. Causes may be personal, social, or structural: values/skills; peers/cooperation; incentives/tools/processes/resources. Also examine your contribution: unclear expectations, conflicting priorities, missing resources, or tolerated violations.
Understanding a cause does not justify the violation: Understanding ≠ excusing. Enter with high standards + low premature judgment: "There is a real gap. I don't yet know why."
PART TWO --- CONFRONT WITH SAFETY
The conversation now follows a diagnostic sequence: Describe the gap → determine motivation or ability → make it motivating or make it easy → handle emergent problems while preserving safety.
CHAPTER 3 --- DESCRIBE THE GAP
Open with Expectation → Observation → Question. State what was expected, describe what you observed, and ask what happened: "You said the analysis would be ready this morning. It isn't finished. What happened?" Start with observable facts rather than conclusions such as "You're unreliable." If an interpretation must be shared, present it tentatively rather than as established motive.
Safe ≠ soft. Safety does not require minimizing the problem. It means maximum clarity with minimum unnecessary threat. Maintain mutual respect for the person and mutual purpose around solving the problem. Make it safe for people to disclose unpleasant truths. If defensiveness, attack, silence, or withdrawal indicates that safety has deteriorated, clarify your intent and restore safety before pushing content harder.
Then listen. The opening question is diagnostic: is this principally wouldn't or couldn't? Do not treat defensiveness as proof of guilt, and do not play "read my mind" by holding someone to an expectation that was never clear.
CHAPTER 4 --- MAKE IT MOTIVATING
When someone could comply but does not want to, address motivation. The reflexive tools---charisma, power, threats, punishment, or added perks---can produce short-term compliance while also creating resistance, minimum effort, gaming, hidden behavior, damaged relationships, and dependence on supervision.
Instead, make natural consequences visible: effects on the person, other people, the system, and long-term outcomes such as trust and future opportunities. Connect behavior to values that matter to them rather than preaching.
If they understand the expectation and consequences, possess the ability, and still choose not to comply, formal consequences may be appropriate. The principle is not "never use discipline," but do not begin with force when understanding and existing consequences may solve the motivational problem. Before escalating, check ability again.
CHAPTER 5 --- MAKE IT EASY
If the person wants to comply but cannot, motivation speeches are the wrong treatment. Diagnose the barrier before prescribing a solution. Ask: "What's getting in the way?" "What would make this possible?" "What do you think we should do?" Involving the person closest to the problem often reveals constraints you cannot see and increases ownership of the solution.
Search personal, social, and structural ability. Personal barriers may need training; social barriers, cooperation or information; structural barriers, better tools, processes, staffing, resources, or environment.
Motivation and ability interact. When desired behavior is painfully difficult, apparent motivation can fall; removing friction may improve both. Before trying to motivate harder, ask whether the behavior can be made easier. Empowerment is neither "I'll fix everything for you" nor "You're empowered---figure it out." It means removing legitimate constraints while leaving appropriate ownership with the responsible person.
CHAPTER 6 --- STAY FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE
Real confrontations produce emergent problems. You begin with a missed report and hear, "You never give me enough notice," "Why are you always picking on me?" or discover a lie, a safety problem, or a legitimate complaint about your own behavior. Do not mechanically remain on the original topic, but do not chase every new issue either. Ask: Which problem matters most now?
Use CPR again. A new issue may be more important because it changes the relationship, threatens safety, or reveals a more serious pattern. If so, explicitly switch conversations. If the original issue remains more important, bookmark the new one and return to it later. Do not let "yes, but" erase accountability, and do not reward anger, attack, or withdrawal by automatically abandoning the issue.
When someone raises a legitimate problem with you, listen and own your part without concluding that your imperfection invalidates the standard. When safety collapses, repair safety before returning to content. The skill is precisely the chapter title: focused enough not to be derailed, flexible enough to address the most important problem.
PART THREE --- MOVE TO ACTION
Insight is not the end goal. A conversation can produce mutual understanding and still fail if nobody knows what happens next. Accountability requires converting diagnosis into a specific commitment and closing the loop with follow-up.
CHAPTER 7 --- AGREE ON A PLAN AND FOLLOW UP
Every action plan should answer: WHO does WHAT by WHEN---and how will we FOLLOW UP? Avoid vague ownership such as "we'll handle it." Define the person responsible. Specify what completion means, especially when words like "soon," "better," or "finished" could be interpreted differently. Set a deadline and, where needed, intermediate milestones.
Choose follow-up according to importance, history, competence, complexity, and track record with this issue. Follow-up is not automatically micromanagement; a reliable expert on a routine task requires less structure than a new employee handling an unfamiliar high-risk task. Clarify both frequency and method of follow-up so neither side has to guess.
Make commitments on both sides explicit, ensure they are feasible, and make sure "yes" actually means yes. When conditions are uncertain, create a contingency: if something changes, renegotiate before the deadline. Responsible renegotiation is different from silently violating a commitment. Summarize the agreement before ending, then actually follow up. If the new agreement is violated, the next conversation may move from content to pattern or relationship.
CHAPTER 8 --- PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
Real problems do not arrive one chapter at a time. The complete process is iterative. Before: Choose What and If; Master My Stories. During: Describe the Gap; diagnose motivation versus ability; Make It Motivating or Make It Easy; Stay Focused and Flexible as new issues emerge. After: Agree on a Plan and Follow Up.
Large problems often contain layers: Content → Pattern → Relationship → Ability → Motivation. Solve the relevant layer rather than treating the person as the problem. Safety itself may become the highest-priority issue. Big, sticky problems may require several conversations; the method is not a perfect script but an iterative cycle of diagnosis → dialogue → action → feedback.
CHAPTER 9 --- THE TWELVE "YEAH-BUTS"
The twelve tough cases are: #1 greater power; #2 anger; #3 shutdown; #4 endless excuses; #5 denial of responsibility; #6 unreasonableness; #7 lying; #8 disrespect; #9 a long-standing problem; #10 "I've tried everything"; #11 your own partial responsibility; #12 "nothing works."
The response is not a separate trick for every case. Return to the model: identify the right level of problem; separate facts from stories; restore safety; diagnose motivation versus ability; handle emergent issues deliberately; and escalate when dialogue has reached its limit. If someone lies, for example, the lie may become a relationship-level trust problem more important than the original violation. If you contributed to the problem, acknowledge your contribution without abandoning legitimate accountability.
A central distinction is influence versus control. Skill can improve accountability but cannot force choice. If someone understands the expectation, can meet it, and still will not, the response may shift from persuasion to consequences, boundaries, reassignment, or discipline.
THE COMPLETE ACCOUNTABILITY MODEL
1. Identify the gap: Expected versus Actual.
2. Choose the right problem: Content, Pattern, or Relationship; inspect consequences and inferred intentions.
3. Decide IF: compare the consequences of speaking with the consequences of silence.
4. Master your story: facts are not motives; ask why a reasonable, rational, decent person might do this.
5. Describe the gap: Expectation → Observation → Question.
6. Diagnose: Wouldn't or Couldn't? Personal, Social, or Structural causes?
7. If motivation: make natural consequences visible; use formal consequences when necessary.
8. If ability: remove legitimate barriers and jointly develop a solution.
9. Stay focused and flexible: decide whether emergent problems should be bookmarked or become the new conversation.
10. Move to action: WHO does WHAT by WHEN + FOLLOW-UP; include contingencies and renegotiate before violations.
FINAL TAKEAWAY
Effective accountability means being clear about the gap without pretending to know its cause: confront the right problem, replace premature judgment with diagnosis, maintain enough safety to discover whether the obstacle is motivation or ability, solve the actual cause, and end with a specific commitment and follow-up. The goal is neither silence nor punishment, but a reliable process for turning violated expectations into understanding, corrective action, and restored accountability.
Silence can normalize repeated violations, but the alternative is not aggression. Accountability seeks to understand the gap, solve its cause, restore reliable expectations, and preserve the relationship where possible. The sequence is Work on Me First → Confront with Safety → Move to Action.
INTRODUCTION --- WHAT'S A CRUCIAL CONFRONTATION?
The basic structure is Expected behavior → Actual behavior → Gap. "You said the report would be finished Friday; it wasn't." "We agreed you would call if you were late; you didn't." The stakes become crucial when the gap affects safety, money, performance, trust, respect, or the future of a relationship.
People commonly oscillate between silence and aggression. The alternative is clear + direct + respectful accountability: "Why does this gap exist, and what should we do about it?" This does not depend solely on formal authority.
PART ONE --- WORK ON ME FIRST
Before confronting another person, solve two problems in yourself: WHAT exactly should be confronted, and WHY do you believe the person created the gap? The ideal starting state is clear about what happened, appropriately uncertain about why.
CHAPTER 1 --- CHOOSE WHAT AND IF
A single incident can contain several possible problems: the immediate behavior, its consequences, a repeated pattern, suspected intentions, or damaged trust. Effective accountability begins by selecting the problem that actually matters rather than confronting whichever detail is easiest to see.
The principal diagnostic is CPR: Content, Pattern, Relationship. Content asks what happened this time: "The report was due Friday and I haven't received it." Pattern asks what keeps happening: "We've discussed deadlines several times and they continue to be missed." Relationship asks what recurrence now means for trust, respect, reliability, competence, or predictability: "I'm beginning to feel I can't rely on your commitments." If you have essentially had the same content conversation ten times, the real issue may now be why you are on incident ten after nine previous conversations.
Inspect upstream intentions and downstream consequences. Intentions are inferred, not observed. When several issues exist, ask what you really want---and do not want---for yourself, the other person, and the relationship.
Then decide IF to confront. Ask: Am I acting it out? Coldness, sarcasm, distance, or resentment mean you may not have let it go. Ask whether your conscience is nagging, whether you are ignoring the risks of silence, or telling yourself you are helpless. Do not enforce standards that were never established; clarify differing expectations explicitly.
CHAPTER 2 --- MASTER MY STORIES
After identifying the right problem, examine the story you have constructed about its cause. People observe behavior and rapidly infer motive: "lazy," "selfish," "doesn't care," "doesn't respect me." The sequence is Facts → Story → Emotion → Action. A hostile story produces anger or contempt, which produces an accusatory opening, which can provoke defensiveness that then appears to confirm the original story.
Separate facts---what a camera could record---from interpretations. "We agreed on Friday; it arrived Monday" is fact. "He doesn't take commitments seriously" is story. Counter the tendency to explain others' failures by character while explaining your own by circumstances. Ask: "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?" This is not an excuse or declaration of innocence; it forces alternative hypotheses and replaces certainty with curiosity.
Most gaps divide into motivation and ability: wouldn't versus couldn't. Causes may be personal, social, or structural: values/skills; peers/cooperation; incentives/tools/processes/resources. Also examine your contribution: unclear expectations, conflicting priorities, missing resources, or tolerated violations.
Understanding a cause does not justify the violation: Understanding ≠ excusing. Enter with high standards + low premature judgment: "There is a real gap. I don't yet know why."
PART TWO --- CONFRONT WITH SAFETY
The conversation now follows a diagnostic sequence: Describe the gap → determine motivation or ability → make it motivating or make it easy → handle emergent problems while preserving safety.
CHAPTER 3 --- DESCRIBE THE GAP
Open with Expectation → Observation → Question. State what was expected, describe what you observed, and ask what happened: "You said the analysis would be ready this morning. It isn't finished. What happened?" Start with observable facts rather than conclusions such as "You're unreliable." If an interpretation must be shared, present it tentatively rather than as established motive.
Safe ≠ soft. Safety does not require minimizing the problem. It means maximum clarity with minimum unnecessary threat. Maintain mutual respect for the person and mutual purpose around solving the problem. Make it safe for people to disclose unpleasant truths. If defensiveness, attack, silence, or withdrawal indicates that safety has deteriorated, clarify your intent and restore safety before pushing content harder.
Then listen. The opening question is diagnostic: is this principally wouldn't or couldn't? Do not treat defensiveness as proof of guilt, and do not play "read my mind" by holding someone to an expectation that was never clear.
CHAPTER 4 --- MAKE IT MOTIVATING
When someone could comply but does not want to, address motivation. The reflexive tools---charisma, power, threats, punishment, or added perks---can produce short-term compliance while also creating resistance, minimum effort, gaming, hidden behavior, damaged relationships, and dependence on supervision.
Instead, make natural consequences visible: effects on the person, other people, the system, and long-term outcomes such as trust and future opportunities. Connect behavior to values that matter to them rather than preaching.
If they understand the expectation and consequences, possess the ability, and still choose not to comply, formal consequences may be appropriate. The principle is not "never use discipline," but do not begin with force when understanding and existing consequences may solve the motivational problem. Before escalating, check ability again.
CHAPTER 5 --- MAKE IT EASY
If the person wants to comply but cannot, motivation speeches are the wrong treatment. Diagnose the barrier before prescribing a solution. Ask: "What's getting in the way?" "What would make this possible?" "What do you think we should do?" Involving the person closest to the problem often reveals constraints you cannot see and increases ownership of the solution.
Search personal, social, and structural ability. Personal barriers may need training; social barriers, cooperation or information; structural barriers, better tools, processes, staffing, resources, or environment.
Motivation and ability interact. When desired behavior is painfully difficult, apparent motivation can fall; removing friction may improve both. Before trying to motivate harder, ask whether the behavior can be made easier. Empowerment is neither "I'll fix everything for you" nor "You're empowered---figure it out." It means removing legitimate constraints while leaving appropriate ownership with the responsible person.
CHAPTER 6 --- STAY FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE
Real confrontations produce emergent problems. You begin with a missed report and hear, "You never give me enough notice," "Why are you always picking on me?" or discover a lie, a safety problem, or a legitimate complaint about your own behavior. Do not mechanically remain on the original topic, but do not chase every new issue either. Ask: Which problem matters most now?
Use CPR again. A new issue may be more important because it changes the relationship, threatens safety, or reveals a more serious pattern. If so, explicitly switch conversations. If the original issue remains more important, bookmark the new one and return to it later. Do not let "yes, but" erase accountability, and do not reward anger, attack, or withdrawal by automatically abandoning the issue.
When someone raises a legitimate problem with you, listen and own your part without concluding that your imperfection invalidates the standard. When safety collapses, repair safety before returning to content. The skill is precisely the chapter title: focused enough not to be derailed, flexible enough to address the most important problem.
PART THREE --- MOVE TO ACTION
Insight is not the end goal. A conversation can produce mutual understanding and still fail if nobody knows what happens next. Accountability requires converting diagnosis into a specific commitment and closing the loop with follow-up.
CHAPTER 7 --- AGREE ON A PLAN AND FOLLOW UP
Every action plan should answer: WHO does WHAT by WHEN---and how will we FOLLOW UP? Avoid vague ownership such as "we'll handle it." Define the person responsible. Specify what completion means, especially when words like "soon," "better," or "finished" could be interpreted differently. Set a deadline and, where needed, intermediate milestones.
Choose follow-up according to importance, history, competence, complexity, and track record with this issue. Follow-up is not automatically micromanagement; a reliable expert on a routine task requires less structure than a new employee handling an unfamiliar high-risk task. Clarify both frequency and method of follow-up so neither side has to guess.
Make commitments on both sides explicit, ensure they are feasible, and make sure "yes" actually means yes. When conditions are uncertain, create a contingency: if something changes, renegotiate before the deadline. Responsible renegotiation is different from silently violating a commitment. Summarize the agreement before ending, then actually follow up. If the new agreement is violated, the next conversation may move from content to pattern or relationship.
CHAPTER 8 --- PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
Real problems do not arrive one chapter at a time. The complete process is iterative. Before: Choose What and If; Master My Stories. During: Describe the Gap; diagnose motivation versus ability; Make It Motivating or Make It Easy; Stay Focused and Flexible as new issues emerge. After: Agree on a Plan and Follow Up.
Large problems often contain layers: Content → Pattern → Relationship → Ability → Motivation. Solve the relevant layer rather than treating the person as the problem. Safety itself may become the highest-priority issue. Big, sticky problems may require several conversations; the method is not a perfect script but an iterative cycle of diagnosis → dialogue → action → feedback.
CHAPTER 9 --- THE TWELVE "YEAH-BUTS"
The twelve tough cases are: #1 greater power; #2 anger; #3 shutdown; #4 endless excuses; #5 denial of responsibility; #6 unreasonableness; #7 lying; #8 disrespect; #9 a long-standing problem; #10 "I've tried everything"; #11 your own partial responsibility; #12 "nothing works."
The response is not a separate trick for every case. Return to the model: identify the right level of problem; separate facts from stories; restore safety; diagnose motivation versus ability; handle emergent issues deliberately; and escalate when dialogue has reached its limit. If someone lies, for example, the lie may become a relationship-level trust problem more important than the original violation. If you contributed to the problem, acknowledge your contribution without abandoning legitimate accountability.
A central distinction is influence versus control. Skill can improve accountability but cannot force choice. If someone understands the expectation, can meet it, and still will not, the response may shift from persuasion to consequences, boundaries, reassignment, or discipline.
THE COMPLETE ACCOUNTABILITY MODEL
1. Identify the gap: Expected versus Actual.
2. Choose the right problem: Content, Pattern, or Relationship; inspect consequences and inferred intentions.
3. Decide IF: compare the consequences of speaking with the consequences of silence.
4. Master your story: facts are not motives; ask why a reasonable, rational, decent person might do this.
5. Describe the gap: Expectation → Observation → Question.
6. Diagnose: Wouldn't or Couldn't? Personal, Social, or Structural causes?
7. If motivation: make natural consequences visible; use formal consequences when necessary.
8. If ability: remove legitimate barriers and jointly develop a solution.
9. Stay focused and flexible: decide whether emergent problems should be bookmarked or become the new conversation.
10. Move to action: WHO does WHAT by WHEN + FOLLOW-UP; include contingencies and renegotiate before violations.
FINAL TAKEAWAY
Effective accountability means being clear about the gap without pretending to know its cause: confront the right problem, replace premature judgment with diagnosis, maintain enough safety to discover whether the obstacle is motivation or ability, solve the actual cause, and end with a specific commitment and follow-up. The goal is neither silence nor punishment, but a reliable process for turning violated expectations into understanding, corrective action, and restored accountability.
February 13, 2023
Brief summary:
Use the acronym CPR. Content, pattern, relationship. Content: you are showing up late to work and that's not part of the contract we have together. Pattern: I've noticed that you've been showing up a lot lately and you're not keeping your promises of showing up on time. Relationship: this is starting to impact our relationship, and I'm losing my ability to trust you and keep your word
Ask yourself what are the consequences to me with this behavior. By not showing up on time it might mean that we lose a patient, or are unable to help them. This might cause me to pay more attention to you or make you feel more micromanaged in the process. find the one thing and bring that up, not the whole word vomit you are thinking about saying
Instead of jumping to the person's perceived faults for doing something bad. Ask yourself why would a rational competent human make this action? See if you can figure out what's going on through their eyes
When your relative asks you if you like this meal. They might really be asking do you love me? If that's the case, you can state that you love them to the moon and back, but this particular meal is not your favorite. What are people really asking.
How can I be 100% honest, but also 100% respectful. Don't make the fool's choice and choose honesty over hurting someone
Don't blame your partner, your boss, your coworker, the government for things you don't have the guts to say yourself about something you want. You got to have those masks on, that's the law in Washington State. I would like you to put your mask on please.
Make the conversation safe is the priority. Or they will go to silence or violence
Once you make someone feel safe, you can discuss anything with anyone. Make that your first step for any discussion
Start with a contrasting statement or common ground that you share. This will make them feel safe and that a unwarranted fear stops them from being defensive or silent or violent. Then talk about the gap. The Gap being what the expectations are and what they're doing. Promises undelivered.
When going over the gaps, stick to the facts. Not the storyline that's in your head such as they're lazy, they're unreliable. More so that they showed up to work late on Tuesday Thursday and Saturday
Once you create a safe space, and you've mentioned the gap. Next step is to ask a question to make it a dialogue and not a monologue. Such as, "what happened?"
Once they've given their answer, it's your job to diagnose what's going on. Is the motivational issue? Or is an ability issue?
When trying to close the gap between the two of you, use natural consequences. Don't use your power or charisma. Natural consequences are motivating to people but you have to find the right one. Such as turning your work in late can make it hard for the other people in billing this implies that other people are impacted by their actions. When you turn things in late this gets our boss's attention, and they want me to come track you down to have conversations like these. Which are things that I know both of us don't want to do. Implies that impacts yourself and others.
Ask people what their barriers are to doing their job, before offering your own advice or solutions.
Is something comes up let me know so we can deal with it together so there are no surprises about moving forward. This allows decrease chance for excuses of failure of promises. As well as having them feel supported
Choose what or if. What do you really want? That can be difficult to decide or decipher it's not just that the employee is showing up late. It's that it's disrespectful to the patient, and looks bad on the hospital.
Think if. What's the consequences of having this conversation, and what are the consequences of not having this conversation. What if?
Review:
See the person as a human being. Why would a rational person do and act the way they did. Once you can see the other person as a human being you may begin.
Share the gap. Make it safe space by sticking to the facts and report what was promised or expected and what happened. Ask a question at the end to help diagnose. What do you think is happening?
Make it easy and motivating. Is it an ability problem or motivational problem?
Don't use your power to influence the situation. That doesn't work, and it puts you at risk.
Make sure to follow up. Who does what by when. Make it obvious. Follow up to make sure that potential roadblocks are being eliminated and be as helpful as you can
Use the acronym CPR. Content, pattern, relationship. Content: you are showing up late to work and that's not part of the contract we have together. Pattern: I've noticed that you've been showing up a lot lately and you're not keeping your promises of showing up on time. Relationship: this is starting to impact our relationship, and I'm losing my ability to trust you and keep your word
Ask yourself what are the consequences to me with this behavior. By not showing up on time it might mean that we lose a patient, or are unable to help them. This might cause me to pay more attention to you or make you feel more micromanaged in the process. find the one thing and bring that up, not the whole word vomit you are thinking about saying
Instead of jumping to the person's perceived faults for doing something bad. Ask yourself why would a rational competent human make this action? See if you can figure out what's going on through their eyes
When your relative asks you if you like this meal. They might really be asking do you love me? If that's the case, you can state that you love them to the moon and back, but this particular meal is not your favorite. What are people really asking.
How can I be 100% honest, but also 100% respectful. Don't make the fool's choice and choose honesty over hurting someone
Don't blame your partner, your boss, your coworker, the government for things you don't have the guts to say yourself about something you want. You got to have those masks on, that's the law in Washington State. I would like you to put your mask on please.
Make the conversation safe is the priority. Or they will go to silence or violence
Once you make someone feel safe, you can discuss anything with anyone. Make that your first step for any discussion
Start with a contrasting statement or common ground that you share. This will make them feel safe and that a unwarranted fear stops them from being defensive or silent or violent. Then talk about the gap. The Gap being what the expectations are and what they're doing. Promises undelivered.
When going over the gaps, stick to the facts. Not the storyline that's in your head such as they're lazy, they're unreliable. More so that they showed up to work late on Tuesday Thursday and Saturday
Once you create a safe space, and you've mentioned the gap. Next step is to ask a question to make it a dialogue and not a monologue. Such as, "what happened?"
Once they've given their answer, it's your job to diagnose what's going on. Is the motivational issue? Or is an ability issue?
When trying to close the gap between the two of you, use natural consequences. Don't use your power or charisma. Natural consequences are motivating to people but you have to find the right one. Such as turning your work in late can make it hard for the other people in billing this implies that other people are impacted by their actions. When you turn things in late this gets our boss's attention, and they want me to come track you down to have conversations like these. Which are things that I know both of us don't want to do. Implies that impacts yourself and others.
Ask people what their barriers are to doing their job, before offering your own advice or solutions.
Is something comes up let me know so we can deal with it together so there are no surprises about moving forward. This allows decrease chance for excuses of failure of promises. As well as having them feel supported
Choose what or if. What do you really want? That can be difficult to decide or decipher it's not just that the employee is showing up late. It's that it's disrespectful to the patient, and looks bad on the hospital.
Think if. What's the consequences of having this conversation, and what are the consequences of not having this conversation. What if?
Review:
See the person as a human being. Why would a rational person do and act the way they did. Once you can see the other person as a human being you may begin.
Share the gap. Make it safe space by sticking to the facts and report what was promised or expected and what happened. Ask a question at the end to help diagnose. What do you think is happening?
Make it easy and motivating. Is it an ability problem or motivational problem?
Don't use your power to influence the situation. That doesn't work, and it puts you at risk.
Make sure to follow up. Who does what by when. Make it obvious. Follow up to make sure that potential roadblocks are being eliminated and be as helpful as you can
December 2, 2021
How to have crucial confrontations:
- Use CPR (to define a problem and avoid groundhog day):
- Content: The first time something happens, talk about what happened. A single event.
- Pattern: The next time something happens, talk pattern.
- Relationship: As the problem continues, talk about relationship. What's happening to us. Relationship concerns are far bigger than the contents or the pattern. The string of disappointments have caused you to lose trust in them.
- Setting expectations with WWWF - Who does What by When. Follow-Up.
Main takeaways:
- 27:55 - "if you select the wrong problem from this lengthy list of possible problems, he may be left with the impression that he's done the right thing. However, if you want to join the ranks of the worlds best problem solver's, you have to identify and deal with the right problem, or it will never go away."
- 37:09 - "You have to distill the issue to a single sentence. Lengthy problem descriptions only obscure the real issue. If you can't reduce a violation to a clear sentence before you talk, the issue almost never becomes more understandable and focused as the conversation unfolds."
- 2:25:10 - "Skilled problem solvers take pride in helping others make things easy. It's part of their golden rule."
Highlights:
- 26:30 - Two questions in crucial confrontations. What and If. "The question of what you should discuss may be the most important concept in this book." When problems come in bundles, know which issue to address.
- 27:55 - "if you select the wrong problem from this lengthy list of possible problems, he may be left with the impression that he's done the right thing. However, if you want to join the ranks of the worlds best problem solver's, you have to identify and deal with the right problem, or it will never go away."
- 37:09 - "You have to distill the issue to a single sentence. Lengthy problem descriptions only obscure the real issue. If you can't reduce a violation to a clear sentence before you talk, the issue almost never becomes more understandable and focused as the conversation unfolds."
- 37:54 - To hit the right problem, use CPR (to define a problem and avoid groundhog day):
- Content: The first time something happens, talk about what happened. A single event.
- Pattern: The next time something happens, talk pattern.
- Relationship: As the problem continues, talk about relationship. What's happening to us. Relationship concerns are far bigger than the contents or the pattern. The string of disappointments have caused you to lose trust in them.
- 57:30 - the truth is that many confrontations fail not because others are bad and wrong, but because we handled them poorly. It's our fault.
- 59:38 - A person's behavior in the first few seconds sets the tone for everything that follows.
- 1:52:57 - Motivation is actually rather boring; it's about expectations, information, and communication.
- 2:25:10 - "Skilled problem solvers take pride in helping others make things easy. It's part of their golden rule."
- 2:58:49 - For people that are domineering, emotionally charged or shut down, mirroring can be especially valuable. This can help them open up by you voicing things that might feel unsafe.
- 3:03:10 - Priming. Add words into the conversation to get it starting. Do this by trying to guess what the other person may be thinking and asking them if that's what they're thinking.
- 3:12:55 - Setting expectations with WWWF - Who does What by When. Follow-Up.
- Use CPR (to define a problem and avoid groundhog day):
- Content: The first time something happens, talk about what happened. A single event.
- Pattern: The next time something happens, talk pattern.
- Relationship: As the problem continues, talk about relationship. What's happening to us. Relationship concerns are far bigger than the contents or the pattern. The string of disappointments have caused you to lose trust in them.
- Setting expectations with WWWF - Who does What by When. Follow-Up.
Main takeaways:
- 27:55 - "if you select the wrong problem from this lengthy list of possible problems, he may be left with the impression that he's done the right thing. However, if you want to join the ranks of the worlds best problem solver's, you have to identify and deal with the right problem, or it will never go away."
- 37:09 - "You have to distill the issue to a single sentence. Lengthy problem descriptions only obscure the real issue. If you can't reduce a violation to a clear sentence before you talk, the issue almost never becomes more understandable and focused as the conversation unfolds."
- 2:25:10 - "Skilled problem solvers take pride in helping others make things easy. It's part of their golden rule."
Highlights:
- 26:30 - Two questions in crucial confrontations. What and If. "The question of what you should discuss may be the most important concept in this book." When problems come in bundles, know which issue to address.
- 27:55 - "if you select the wrong problem from this lengthy list of possible problems, he may be left with the impression that he's done the right thing. However, if you want to join the ranks of the worlds best problem solver's, you have to identify and deal with the right problem, or it will never go away."
- 37:09 - "You have to distill the issue to a single sentence. Lengthy problem descriptions only obscure the real issue. If you can't reduce a violation to a clear sentence before you talk, the issue almost never becomes more understandable and focused as the conversation unfolds."
- 37:54 - To hit the right problem, use CPR (to define a problem and avoid groundhog day):
- Content: The first time something happens, talk about what happened. A single event.
- Pattern: The next time something happens, talk pattern.
- Relationship: As the problem continues, talk about relationship. What's happening to us. Relationship concerns are far bigger than the contents or the pattern. The string of disappointments have caused you to lose trust in them.
- 57:30 - the truth is that many confrontations fail not because others are bad and wrong, but because we handled them poorly. It's our fault.
- 59:38 - A person's behavior in the first few seconds sets the tone for everything that follows.
- 1:52:57 - Motivation is actually rather boring; it's about expectations, information, and communication.
- 2:25:10 - "Skilled problem solvers take pride in helping others make things easy. It's part of their golden rule."
- 2:58:49 - For people that are domineering, emotionally charged or shut down, mirroring can be especially valuable. This can help them open up by you voicing things that might feel unsafe.
- 3:03:10 - Priming. Add words into the conversation to get it starting. Do this by trying to guess what the other person may be thinking and asking them if that's what they're thinking.
- 3:12:55 - Setting expectations with WWWF - Who does What by When. Follow-Up.
December 23, 2024
Crucial Confrontations by Kerry Patterson is an outstanding book that is a must-read for anyone looking to master the art of dealing with people. It’s a variation of Crucial Conversations, which was also an excellent book in its own right.
What I appreciate most about this book is that it covers a wide range of concepts that, in my opinion, lie at the root of most human conflicts.
No exaggeration: if everyone in the world read and applied the lessons in this book, we’d see a world without war, less parent-child trauma, no violence, and a much more harmonious, functional society.
Some of the concepts I found particularly impactful in the book include:
- Explanation of the Fundamental Attribution Error: As humans, we tend to label others as "bad people," "angry," "cheating," "mean," or "insensitive" when they exhibit certain negative behaviors. Yet, when we engage in similar behavior, we rationalize it by justifying that we're not like that due to external factors. This bias can significantly distort our understanding of the situation and the other person.
- Master Your Stories: Every crucial confrontation is shaped by the mindset we bring into it. If you approach the situation with the belief that the other person is inherently "bad" or "a louse," you're more likely to engage in a shouting match. Such confrontations rarely solve the problem and only damage the relationship. However, if you ask yourself, "Why would a reasonable, intelligent, good person do something like this?" you’ll approach the situation with a more inquisitive and problem-solving mindset.
- Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose: For a crucial confrontation to be productive, the person you're confronting must feel that you respect them as a human being and that you have their best interests at heart. If you’re addressing a broken promise or unmet expectation, it’s essential that they see you as a partner in finding a solution, not as an adversary.
- Safety First: If, at any point during the conversation, the person being confronted feels unsafe, it will be impossible to move forward with problem-solving. This rule is often violated during difficult discussions, and it’s one of the key reasons many confrontations fail.
- The Six Sources of Influence:
Motivation vs. Ability:
Personal Motivation: The individual’s desire to act.
Personal Ability: Their capability to take action.
Others' Influence: The impact of other people on the person’s actions.
Things' Influence: External factors such as institutional rules, lack of resources, or fear of asking for help.
This concept challenges the belief that someone is "bad" simply because they fail to meet expectations. Often, there are multiple other factors at play, such as external pressures, lack of knowledge, or personal limitations that prevent someone from meeting a promise. It’s important to consider these broader influences before assigning blame.
- Consequence Bundle: People are always motivated by the outcomes they expect. They engage in certain behaviors because they believe that the overall consequences—both positive and negative—will be worthwhile. However, people often misjudge their "consequence bundle," leading to decisions that don't align with their long-term best interests. Helping someone see the true consequences of their behavior can open the door to more accurate decision-making and lasting behavior change.
What I appreciate most about this book is that it covers a wide range of concepts that, in my opinion, lie at the root of most human conflicts.
No exaggeration: if everyone in the world read and applied the lessons in this book, we’d see a world without war, less parent-child trauma, no violence, and a much more harmonious, functional society.
Some of the concepts I found particularly impactful in the book include:
- Explanation of the Fundamental Attribution Error: As humans, we tend to label others as "bad people," "angry," "cheating," "mean," or "insensitive" when they exhibit certain negative behaviors. Yet, when we engage in similar behavior, we rationalize it by justifying that we're not like that due to external factors. This bias can significantly distort our understanding of the situation and the other person.
- Master Your Stories: Every crucial confrontation is shaped by the mindset we bring into it. If you approach the situation with the belief that the other person is inherently "bad" or "a louse," you're more likely to engage in a shouting match. Such confrontations rarely solve the problem and only damage the relationship. However, if you ask yourself, "Why would a reasonable, intelligent, good person do something like this?" you’ll approach the situation with a more inquisitive and problem-solving mindset.
- Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose: For a crucial confrontation to be productive, the person you're confronting must feel that you respect them as a human being and that you have their best interests at heart. If you’re addressing a broken promise or unmet expectation, it’s essential that they see you as a partner in finding a solution, not as an adversary.
- Safety First: If, at any point during the conversation, the person being confronted feels unsafe, it will be impossible to move forward with problem-solving. This rule is often violated during difficult discussions, and it’s one of the key reasons many confrontations fail.
- The Six Sources of Influence:
Motivation vs. Ability:
Personal Motivation: The individual’s desire to act.
Personal Ability: Their capability to take action.
Others' Influence: The impact of other people on the person’s actions.
Things' Influence: External factors such as institutional rules, lack of resources, or fear of asking for help.
This concept challenges the belief that someone is "bad" simply because they fail to meet expectations. Often, there are multiple other factors at play, such as external pressures, lack of knowledge, or personal limitations that prevent someone from meeting a promise. It’s important to consider these broader influences before assigning blame.
- Consequence Bundle: People are always motivated by the outcomes they expect. They engage in certain behaviors because they believe that the overall consequences—both positive and negative—will be worthwhile. However, people often misjudge their "consequence bundle," leading to decisions that don't align with their long-term best interests. Helping someone see the true consequences of their behavior can open the door to more accurate decision-making and lasting behavior change.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 260 reviews