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135 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1930
After glancing back at the Seine a final time I would go up to my room, lie down, and instantly sink into the profound gloom; strange forms stirred within this gloom which sometimes had no time to form into familiar images before my eyes and would vanish, having never materialized; and in my sleep I would regret their disappearance, sympathize with their imaginary and incomprehensible sorrows, and I lived and dozed in this ineffable state which I could never recapture while awake. This should have distressed me but in the morning I would completely forget about what I had seen in my sleep, and the last memory of the previous day would be that I had once again missed the train. In the evening I’d set off again for Claire’s.
These first, carefree years of life at the gymnasium were only rarely aggravated by those emotional crises from which I suffered so greatly but in which I nonetheless found an agonizing satisfaction. I lived happily – if one can live happily when a persistent shadow floats behind one’s shoulders. Death was never far away, and the abyss into which my imagination plunged me seemed to belong to it.
These first, carefree years of life at the gymnasium were only rarely aggravated by those emotional crises from which I suffered so greatly but in which I nonetheless found an agonizing satisfaction. I lived happily—if one can live happily when a persistent shadow floats behind one’s shoulders. Death was never far away, and the abyss into which my imagination plunged me seemed to belong to it.

