What do you think?
Rate this book
Our Deepest Roots: Navigating Past Trauma To Build Healthier Queer Relationships
Having trauma is hard. Being in a relationship is hard. Having to navigate trauma histories while being in a queer relationship in today's society is really freaking hard! Trauma changes us-our sense of safety, our beliefs about ourselves and the world, and even our body chemistry. However, it is possible to identify it, explore it, and work through it to create healthier and more positive relationships. It is possible to develop compassion for yourself and your partner(s), to better understand various reactions and responses. And it is possible to work individually and together to get everyone's needs met, while also holding space for each other's journey.
In Our Deepest Navigating Past Trauma to Build Healthier Queer Relationships , Dr. Jen Towns shares stories from her own personal and professional experiences to explore how trauma in childhood or adulthood, combined with being part of the queer community, can impact intimacy, attachment, and our everyday interactions with those closest to us. By noticing the underlying attachment needs that drive our emotions and somatic reactions, we can be more aware of our patterns, better understand ourselves and our partners, and open the door to enhanced communication and compassion. Dr. Towns offers a guide to pull back the curtain and clear the path to deeper connections, intimacy, and healing.
In Our Deepest Navigating Past Trauma to Build Healthier Queer Relationships , Dr. Jen Towns shares stories from her own personal and professional experiences to explore how trauma in childhood or adulthood, combined with being part of the queer community, can impact intimacy, attachment, and our everyday interactions with those closest to us. By noticing the underlying attachment needs that drive our emotions and somatic reactions, we can be more aware of our patterns, better understand ourselves and our partners, and open the door to enhanced communication and compassion. Dr. Towns offers a guide to pull back the curtain and clear the path to deeper connections, intimacy, and healing.
266 pages, Paperback
Published May 31, 2023
6 people are currently reading
83 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
April 15, 2025
Our Deepest Roots is a brave and illuminating book about how trauma—especially the kind rooted in queerness and relational wounds—intertwines with the mess and beauty of love. Dr. Jen Towns doesn’t just discuss trauma in the abstract. She lays bare her own experiences, not as case studies or distant theory, but as raw, beating-heart truth. Through her lens as a queer trauma therapist and partner, she unpacks how our “parts” (the internal voices, reactions, and protections we develop) shape, distort, and sometimes save our relationships. She explores this through concepts like attachment theory, the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, and a blend of hard-earned wisdom from both the therapy room and the kitchen table.
Reading this as a gay man who's wrestled with his own ghosts, I felt seen in a way that knocked the wind out of me. The opening scene where Dr. Town's wife (also a trauma survivor and therapist) writes about storming out of a fight, numb to her partner’s sobbing felt uncomfortably familiar. That terrifying push-pull of needing space but fearing abandonment? Yep. Lived it. And the self-loathing inner monologue she transcribes after the fallout was brutally spot on. It’s one thing to read about trauma reactions. It’s another thing entirely to read someone gently dissect their own and realize, oh god, that’s me too.
What sets this book apart is the refusal to shy away from the complicated, layered ways trauma shows up in queer love. Towns doesn’t romanticize healing, and she doesn’t offer cheap fixes. Instead, she walks us through her fights, her therapy, her missteps, and the hard-won tools she now teaches. When she talks about “fawning” in queer identity—where we perform caretaking to stay safe—it hit like a freight train. She describes fawning not as a flaw but as a strategy, born of survival.
Towns also brings a refreshingly down-to-earth voice. It’s not clinical or cold. It’s like a trusted friend walking with you, swearing a little, crying with you, laughing with you when you realize, yes, we’re all a little messed up but still deeply worthy of love. And her exercises, like the PEACE TALKS framework and the “Zhuzh” reminders, are actually doable—not just filler. She brings everything back to the body, the relationship, and the now. It’s healing work you can feel.
I recommend Our Deepest Roots wholeheartedly, especially to my fellow queer men who grew up believing we had to shrink to be loved, who still brace for rejection when things get close. This book isn’t just for therapists or couples in crisis—it’s for anyone tired of repeating old patterns and ready to face themselves with honesty and tenderness. It’s raw, smart, sometimes painful, and deeply human. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll find parts of yourself on every page.
Reading this as a gay man who's wrestled with his own ghosts, I felt seen in a way that knocked the wind out of me. The opening scene where Dr. Town's wife (also a trauma survivor and therapist) writes about storming out of a fight, numb to her partner’s sobbing felt uncomfortably familiar. That terrifying push-pull of needing space but fearing abandonment? Yep. Lived it. And the self-loathing inner monologue she transcribes after the fallout was brutally spot on. It’s one thing to read about trauma reactions. It’s another thing entirely to read someone gently dissect their own and realize, oh god, that’s me too.
What sets this book apart is the refusal to shy away from the complicated, layered ways trauma shows up in queer love. Towns doesn’t romanticize healing, and she doesn’t offer cheap fixes. Instead, she walks us through her fights, her therapy, her missteps, and the hard-won tools she now teaches. When she talks about “fawning” in queer identity—where we perform caretaking to stay safe—it hit like a freight train. She describes fawning not as a flaw but as a strategy, born of survival.
Towns also brings a refreshingly down-to-earth voice. It’s not clinical or cold. It’s like a trusted friend walking with you, swearing a little, crying with you, laughing with you when you realize, yes, we’re all a little messed up but still deeply worthy of love. And her exercises, like the PEACE TALKS framework and the “Zhuzh” reminders, are actually doable—not just filler. She brings everything back to the body, the relationship, and the now. It’s healing work you can feel.
I recommend Our Deepest Roots wholeheartedly, especially to my fellow queer men who grew up believing we had to shrink to be loved, who still brace for rejection when things get close. This book isn’t just for therapists or couples in crisis—it’s for anyone tired of repeating old patterns and ready to face themselves with honesty and tenderness. It’s raw, smart, sometimes painful, and deeply human. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll find parts of yourself on every page.
November 29, 2023
Read this for work book club and really enjoyed it! It has so much great information that I can use both in my personal relationship and at work. All of the information is super easy to understand, and I love that Dr. Towns included diagrams and prompts to help further deepen what she is trying to share. I'd highly recommend this book for all people looking to learn more about how relationships work, including learning to recognize triggers and set boundaries. So much good information in this one!
July 31, 2024
Phenomenal read.
I had the pleasure of hearing the author speak in person at my alma mater.
I had the pleasure of hearing the author speak in person at my alma mater.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews