The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation

by Alan E. Fruzzetti, Marsha M. Linehan (Foreword)

You hear and read a lot about ways to improve your relationship. But if you've tried these without much success, you're not alone. Many highly reactive couples—pairs that are quick to argue, anger, and blame—need more than just the run-of-the-mill relationship advice to solve their problems in love. When destructive emotions are at the heart of problems in your relationship, no amount of effective communication or intimacy building will fix what ails it. If you're part of a "high-conflict" couple, you need to get control of your emotions first, to stop making things worse, and only then work on building a better relationship. The High-Conflict Couple adapts the powerful techniques of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) into skills you can use to tame out-of-control emotions that flare up in your relationship. Using mindfulness and distress tolerance techniques, you'll learn how to deescalate angry situations before they have a chance to explode into destructive fights. Other approaches will help you disclose your fears, longings, and other vulnerabilities to your partner and validate his or her experiences in return. You'll discover ways to manage problems with negotiation, not conflict, and to find true acceptance and closeness with the person you love the most. This book has been awarded The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies Self-Help Seal of Merit — an award bestowed on outstanding self-help books that are consistent with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles and that incorporate scientifically tested strategies for overcoming mental health difficulties. Used alone or in conjunction with therapy, our books offer powerful tools readers can use to jump-start changes in their lives.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Marriage, Counselling

180 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2006

Reviews

[Tara]

He's still a jerk.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is kind of terrible.

I feel like it's a book on how to stay in a relationship you should probably get out of. Alternate title: How to make it work when all the signs say you should get out immediately. Like never at any point does this book suggest that maybe you should break up because some people just aren't compatible, or some people are just abusive. It's like ...must...stay together...at all costs.

Also, I used to be all about validation until I discovered there's such a thing as too much validation. Where people are so focused on being validating that they never really tell you what they want or think and then one day it's like surprise! They hate you and you never knew. Way to cram down all your feelings and blame it on being supportive. (This hasn't actually happened to me, but I've witnessed it up close.) So I feel like this book doesn't do enough to stress BE HONEST. MAKE SURE YOU TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU NEED.

On the flip side, I suppose it could be helpful for people who struggle with emotional maturity. Like are you prone to being self-centered and throwing tantrums to get your way? Here's the book for you.

But if you're already prone to taking on too much responsibility for other people's feelings and trying to fix everything this book is probably the worst thing you can possibly read. You should perhaps pick up a book on how to say enough is enough.

[Josh M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! It teaches very valuable ways to examine your emotions and diffuse arguments before they start. It is DBT based, which I recommend for anyone, and gives great examples in the book. A must read for someone dealing with an angry partner, depression or even just regular arguments in a relationship.

[Kazza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Briefly: For anyone wanting to look at managing conflict in a relationship, with DBT in this case, this is a pretty easy to read book. Whilst validation is pertinent - there are quite a few people who just don't know how to validate their partner, it causes a lot of hurt and anger - the more important aspects, in my mind, were the chapters on emotional arousal and how easy it is to trigger arguments, and Fruzzetti's simple discussion/format of chain analysis. Plus there are practices within chapters to give readers food for thought/something to unpack.

As someone who works with complex individuals, which often includes their high conflict relationships, this is a valued addition to the library.

[Barbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Provides a DOABLE approach to defusing high intensity interactions. Practical exercises one can--and should--do on their own. Helps build intimacy and understanding. This is a winner amongst all couples self-help books. No dogma, no airy fairy approach. Written based on clinical research and work with couples.

[Vanessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

May add or delete stars after I try the strategies AND depending on outcomes. Maybe it's unfair to rate a book not solely on content and style. Also, reading these books always makes me emotional. So my rating is also tied to my emotional state. But what the heck, I can rate it whatever I want. I can tell though that if I earnestly give the strategies a try they are likely to benefit more than just my relationship and relationships with people in general but may help me find more peace in everything else I do.

[unnarrator · Rating 4 out of 5]

The only DBT book for couples. Fruzzetti stays well away from diagnosis or etiology or theorizing at all, and just jumps straight to strategy. Like every other psychodynamic/behavioral/twelve-step model in existence, this one too attests that one partner acting alone can transform a relationship from high-conflict to peaceable; that the way to get validation is to validate. I remain unconvinced; but then that is hardly a surprise.

[Viky · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book has a lot of valuable insights and practical tools, especially for couples dealing with intense or recurring conflict. The strategies for communication and emotional regulation are genuinely helpful, and there were definitely moments where I felt like the author really "got it." With that said, I found it a bit hard to stay engaged throughout. The book tends to go on and on, circling the same concepts with a lot of repetition. While I understand the importance of drilling down on key ideas, at times it felt like the pacing dragged and made it harder to absorb everything. I caught myself zoning out more than once.

[Erin Middleton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for anyone who feels slightly inadequate for long term partnership. At 44, I feel I lack some skills to hold onto a partner and guess what, this book breaks it down into simple to understand useful tools to practice today! I thoroughly enjoyed this book and will be buying a copy to highlight at home. Thank you for keeping the message simple: validate yourself and others. Sounds easy right? If you say no, read this book.

[Ashton E. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be a useful and practical guide for any couple that wants to improve their conflict communication and help see ways to improve unity through behavior modification that can start a positive snowball effect creating new patterns.

[Hussein Zalzale · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended for therapists wanting to develop genuine validation and communication with their clients. As for couples (the reason this book was written), this book may just be enough to help you move forward, but take the exercises seriously! Reading without practicing won't help much. Recommend that you read together and help each other with exercises.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dialectical behavioral therapy I will always love you ❤️ yet another book I read for class, and unfortunately for everyone who didn’t like the book…he’s generally correct

[Jo · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to love *The High Conflict Couple*—really, I did. But now I'm stuck in a high-stakes argument with myself about it. It's like I've entered a full-blown relationship crisis... with a book.

Now, if you’re someone who’s never quite figured out how to talk to your significant other without launching into World War III, this book might just be your new best friend. It’s full of advice for avoiding those oh-so-contagious toxic relationship styles that spread faster than gossip at a family reunion.

But here’s the thing: most of what's in this book is pretty much Common Sense 101. I mean, if I handed this to most of my clients, they'd probably look at me like I'd just suggested we start with “How to Tie Your Shoes” before running a marathon. But maybe, just maybe, if I spin it as a chance to revisit the basics and see if we’ve missed any relationship life hacks along the way, they’ll be more willing to give it a go.

The other thing that had me scratching my head was the glaring lack of tips and tricks for figuring out if your relationship has officially crossed into “Nope, this isn’t just high conflict—this is toxic, dangerous, and I need to run” territory. I mean, come on! Where’s the guidance on how to tell if your partner’s behavior has shifted from “we just bicker a lot” to “I’m pretty sure this is abusive and I need to start packing my bags”?

Seriously, not addressing this is like giving someone a recipe but leaving out the part where you make sure the oven isn't on fire. It’s a huge oversight and honestly, pretty concerning. If you’re going to help people navigate the stormy seas of relationship drama, you’ve got to throw them a lifeboat, not just a paddle.

So, while the book has its moments, it’s missing some crucial pieces of the puzzle. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to continue my internal debate on whether to keep this book on the shelf or let it float off into the sunset.

[stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

i love this book. i adore it. it works for so many things - it's more than a book for people in intimate relationships, it's for people in any and all relationships. if you can apply these skills and techniques to your everyday interactions, you would reduce conflict by at least 95%.

it's written so it's accessible to absolutely anyone, including people that know absolutely nothing about psychology.

i've given at least five copies of this book away (with the caveat that i'm not saying they suck at relationships!) but it's the best book i've found to introduce people to DBT in a straight-forward non-intimidating way. and because it's directed at couples, there is not diagnosis attached to the treatment. everyone has had conflict in relationships - therefore this book can be for everyone.

(i might be biased in that i want to work with the author desperately, and he's a linehand disciple, but.)

[Kristina]

This book has a lot of very helpful information for anyone in a relationship - “high conflict” or not. There are good pointers in here about perspective shifting, responsibility taking, and self regulation. It talks about dynamics between people and doesn’t fault find. The anecdotes were resonant. I will come back to this book again. It helped me see how much I overreact. I am very grateful for that lesson.

[Tameka Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great book to read especially if both partners are Alpha personalities and find it hard to compromise in situations. I learned a lot about myself and areas that I needed to work on. Good relationship book.

[Sam Holstein]

Wasn't particularly helpful for me. Just a restating of DBT principles and examining how they can be applied to communication with a partner. Might be groundbreakingly helpful for someone else. If you're curious then read it and give it a try.

[blondeminion · Rating 2 out of 5]

Where should I start...

I wanted to love this book, I really did... But how can you love a book when it's just a yapping sesh that could've been a 20 minute blog read?

It lacks depth. The target audience is exclusively neurotypical couples where both partners are straight. And the conflicts they are having are trivial.

Excuse me for being so straight forward but if you're in a grown a** relationship and you're having arguments about chores - break up. If you have zero strategy about managing day to day tasks, like who is picking up the kids from school while you both are at work - break up. If anything so superficial is causing you to yell and cuss at each other - break up! You shouldn't be in this relationship point-blank.

Now I want to have a little chat with the people who are in a "high-conflict" relationship. Spoiler alert - sometimes it's abusive and you need to leave! You cannot change a person with BPD, no matter how understanding and loving you are. Some autistic people cannot be more "loving and affectionate" towards you. People who have PTSD or CPTSD and it's manifesting as aggression, abuse and/or control won't change just because you read a book about managing their "high-conflict" self.

Read the book, take what you need from it, but please, be mindful can you actually apply it to your partner. And if you feel like you're in a relationship not worth saving - cut your losses. Don't care about the time, emotions and money you invested in it. Don't care about what other people have to say. Care about yourself and always remember - the flowers you're watering today may poison you tomorrow.

[Nicole Carter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent tool for managing conflict and building communication skills in a relationship. I have some quibbles here and there, mostly artifacts of the time in which it was written (come on dude just write "they," this "he or she" stuff is so cumbersome, also it's kind of just taken as read that your relationship is heterosexual and monogamous which is uhhhh not the case for mine) but they're relatively minor, especially in the face of the radical effect reading this with my partner has had on our relationship. Our time together is more relaxed and comfortable, our disagreements and difficult discussions are less painful, our sex life is better, there's basically nothing that hasn't been improved by reading this book and putting the skills contained therein into practice. My partner and I both have BPD along with a healing helping of childhood trauma, and it's really easy for us to both accidentally step on each other's triggers, and to fail to react appropriately both to that kind of difficult emotion and to the realization that we've caused such harsh feelings in someone we care about so much. We both have a lot more growing to do, but we're way better than we were a couple months ago. Highly recommended.

[Gabrielle Bowyer · Rating 3 out of 5]

To some extent, this is what I’d have expected from a book written 2 decades ago by someone who developed, researches, and practices exclusively DBT. I truly appreciate DBT as a treatment modality. Most who suffer mentally or spiritually find purchase in its tenets — both lofty and practical.

I grew up in a super high conflict home and learned recently that both my parents did as well. While I do not think this is sufficient for couples where extensive trauma is bringing partners back into that black hole during seemingly pedestrian conflict, it has its utility. I especially appreciated his enumeration of the relational sequelae to self-invalidation. That really got me thinking!

Neither my partner nor I has much experience in the adroit navigation of the paths to veritable intimacy. And obviously DBT wasn’t borne of attachment research. I kind of think the biosocial theory stuff is a proxy for it though—if outdated. A little more on how childhood trauma makes some of these notions if not prohibitive then somewhat inaccessible (as yet) would have made it a more complete experience for me.

[Jocelyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Rant. I'd seen this title go by a few times on the internet, and it made me think I probably would have picked it up had it been around during a relationship three decades ago, and that made me curious enough to read it and see if I thought it would have helped. Having now read it, I'm so glad it wasn't around then. It took me four-plus years to extricate myself from that emotionally abusive person with BPD, and I would have seen this book as an urging to try harder, to lay myself open more, to stand up for myself less, and in the end none of it would have worked. He should have read it, but if he had, he would have used it not to improve his behavior but to bludgeon me with what he thought I should be doing.

[Olivia Nenmyx · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was skeptical as hell going in. In an effort to make changes in some other relationships in my life, I'd turned to some less credible self-help oriented books. This isn't one of those!

Straightforward, to the point, extremely well-sourced, and great for people that can be triggered by things that feel like suggestion. I didn't feel like I was being led to believe or accept something I wouldn't otherwise. Instead I was presented with a series of lenses and tools, ways to interrupt the despair-inducing spirals of reactivity, and ideas about challenging the need to seek change. Highly recommended for relationships full of reciprocating, harsh emotions, and especially for people with BPD.

[Simon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I honestly think that the majority of couples need to read this book. This is not just for those couples considered more 'extreme'. This really guides a consistently healthy method of working through difficult issues and disagreements in a relationship, helps you to empathise with any dysregulation shown by your partner, helps highlight meet-in-the-middle strategies that do not equate with compromising your values. It's both theoretical and pragmatic, without patronising its reader. A thoroughly researched and developed read that I would recommend.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A new and interesting way of using DBT for couples therapy as opposed to borderline personality disorder. This book is useful as a self help book because it doesn’t go too in depth into the clinical technique of DBT. I personally enjoyed the section on validation when focusing on communication. I would recommend this book for my clients if they are having problems not only with in their marriage but with communication and a lack of understanding others

[Menolly Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is such a badly named book. It's not about a high conflict couple. It's about communication and resolving conflicts before they happen, and in a gentle and affirming way if they do. Yes a lot of this book is about conflict, but the skills it teaches are good in so many circumstances. It has a lot of good practices, and the information is good. However, it could be easier to read and it doesn't address how mental health can also effect conflict at all.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a DBT therapist I found this book helpful in guiding clients through conflict. This also has helpful tips for any relationship. I’ve read reviews criticizing the book for not addressing “he’s just a jerk” and abusive relationships. This is not who this book is for or what it’s about. This is for people who run into conflict frequently and still want to work things out and improve their relationship.

[Glazeane · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was such a great read. I learn a lot. It helps me understand my partner and myself most especially myself in terms of conflict. This is such a powerful book when you're in the power struggle of a relationship. I like how it detailed the importance of validation here. I think it's one of the most effective tools couples should learn, the power of validation, not only for your partner, but most importantly self-validation.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

I give this 4⭐️s just because I was hoping for more insights about couples therapy from this book. I didn’t really learn anything new. But I would say this is a wonderful little book of DBT skills to recommend to clients in high conflict relationships. Providers who have already learned the fundamentals of DBT and are hoping to branch into couples work might just want to skim this one to know what it contains before adding it to your recommended reading list.

[Sasha Flowers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book. Gives advice applicable to family, friends, and significant others. An especially easy read for anyone with a background in psych. I loved that they utilized DBT and cited scientific journal articles that I recognized from studying in college. This book helps you look into yourself and appreciate those around you.

[Jennifer Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even though this book is nearly 20 years old (and could use an update), I can see why it is still relevant. I especially like the layout and the step by step activities outlined to help high conflict couples take personal ownership for emotional and responses. Very clear language and easy to understand examples. Going in my therapy office.