What do you think?
Rate this book
Common Ground: Discovering God’s Redemption in Your Marriage
Too often, a couple hoping to strengthen or refresh their marriage is given this advice – work at it more diligently or show more faith. While this may help for a little bit, it doesn’t typically result in deep and lasting change. Over his 20-year career in marital counseling, Dr. Gordon Bals has met hundreds of couples who were tired or confused by the notion of simply working harder to improve the relationship. Instead, Gordon helps couples recognize and resist the subtle work of evil in their marriage, and shows them how to move toward the Lord in a way that brings real togetherness. In this book, you'll find refreshing news about how the two of you can build Common Ground. That wisdom is found in Scripture, and Dr. Bals uses it to help you to find a path that leads to togetherness — with each other, and with God.
190 pages, Paperback
First published September 19, 2012
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
August 14, 2024
Got off to a wishy washy start but I really appreciated this one! Pastor John described it as “stormy and practical”, and it was stormy and practical. Would have been significantly improved by removing the phrase “Common Ground” from every page.
December 7, 2013
The best way I know to express what I got from this book is to insert the letter I sent out with the 48 additional copies I purchased of Common Ground and sent to friends around the world. Here's the actual letter:
"Dear Henry,
I recently finished my first thorough reading of Common Ground, by Dr. Gordon Bals. I’m already neck deep into my next row with it, and am confident many more will follow. There is such depth lurking in and between every line that I am confident it will take many reads to absorb. Also I sense I will need to keep it at my side for encouragement as I learn to slowly practice the deeper love of which Dr. Bals writes.
A book like this cost an author something to write. Regardless of any reward he or others may reap, the labor of living and writing it first exacts something from a person. If you try to live your marriage in a way drawn from Dawn and Gordon’s real-life examples of failures and humble “morning afters” it will cost you something, too. Still, the Spirit calls me to lean hard into this way and trust His presence.
Common Ground has helped me to consider more deeply how I view myself, and relate to both my husband and Christ. Through many years of marriage I have shifted from pretending Milton and I had the perfect marriage to despairing that the whole mess of us is damned in despair. While I still think the process of naming, confessing, and repenting from sin or harm we’ve caused one another is an important part of our healing journey, Common Ground has helped me to step back—or as some would say, “get on the balcony”—for a better view of the whole dance floor (of our lives and marriage).
For example, Gordon writes:
“One true moment, one honorable act, and one right, pure, lovely, or admirable response is excellent and worthy of praise,” (Philippians 4:8). I began to attach myself to these moments intentionally, even when it seemed foolish. Those moments made clear that God was working for our marriage, and our celebration turned into worship.
Each couple I’ve worked with has experienced both beauty and disappointment in their marriage. However, the couples that have the hardest time finding Common Ground with regularity are the ones who hold onto their disappointment with tenacity. You must begin to challenge the despair, regret or disappointment around your marriage and your attachment to the ways that you’ve failed one another. As a way to challenge what evil has done to your marriage, and will continue to do, you are to celebrate purposely the Common Ground you have tasted with your spouse. In doing this, you are battling evil, who wants you to stay attached to the things that will weigh you down.”
I have reread the above excerpt many times. Christ is using it to slowly, tenderly fold me into a posture of repentance for focusing so much on our shortcomings and disappointments rather than celebrating all the magnificent—and dare I be so bold to finally exclaim, “rare” or even “unique”—glory that He has brought about through the very fact of mine and Milton’s imperfect, broken, wounded, and wounding union. Neither of us alone could have done what has been done through us together. Yet, I have often lived small, hoped small, and settled for small in my marriage. Common Ground is the first book I have ever read on marriage that left me feeling truly blessed in my ravenous feminine wiles to hunger for more while simultaneously blessing Milton’s bounty that he is enough. The paradox of the Gospel embedded in my marriage!
Common Ground is mine and Milton’s Advent gift to you. I pray that it deepens your roots, billows your hope, but most of all causes you to celebrate The Advent working in and through your own broken humanity, and see the unique glory God has done, is doing, and will continue to do in and through your union.
Love, your sister along the journey, k
Kimberly L Smith
Author of Passport through Darkness"
"Dear Henry,
I recently finished my first thorough reading of Common Ground, by Dr. Gordon Bals. I’m already neck deep into my next row with it, and am confident many more will follow. There is such depth lurking in and between every line that I am confident it will take many reads to absorb. Also I sense I will need to keep it at my side for encouragement as I learn to slowly practice the deeper love of which Dr. Bals writes.
A book like this cost an author something to write. Regardless of any reward he or others may reap, the labor of living and writing it first exacts something from a person. If you try to live your marriage in a way drawn from Dawn and Gordon’s real-life examples of failures and humble “morning afters” it will cost you something, too. Still, the Spirit calls me to lean hard into this way and trust His presence.
Common Ground has helped me to consider more deeply how I view myself, and relate to both my husband and Christ. Through many years of marriage I have shifted from pretending Milton and I had the perfect marriage to despairing that the whole mess of us is damned in despair. While I still think the process of naming, confessing, and repenting from sin or harm we’ve caused one another is an important part of our healing journey, Common Ground has helped me to step back—or as some would say, “get on the balcony”—for a better view of the whole dance floor (of our lives and marriage).
For example, Gordon writes:
“One true moment, one honorable act, and one right, pure, lovely, or admirable response is excellent and worthy of praise,” (Philippians 4:8). I began to attach myself to these moments intentionally, even when it seemed foolish. Those moments made clear that God was working for our marriage, and our celebration turned into worship.
Each couple I’ve worked with has experienced both beauty and disappointment in their marriage. However, the couples that have the hardest time finding Common Ground with regularity are the ones who hold onto their disappointment with tenacity. You must begin to challenge the despair, regret or disappointment around your marriage and your attachment to the ways that you’ve failed one another. As a way to challenge what evil has done to your marriage, and will continue to do, you are to celebrate purposely the Common Ground you have tasted with your spouse. In doing this, you are battling evil, who wants you to stay attached to the things that will weigh you down.”
I have reread the above excerpt many times. Christ is using it to slowly, tenderly fold me into a posture of repentance for focusing so much on our shortcomings and disappointments rather than celebrating all the magnificent—and dare I be so bold to finally exclaim, “rare” or even “unique”—glory that He has brought about through the very fact of mine and Milton’s imperfect, broken, wounded, and wounding union. Neither of us alone could have done what has been done through us together. Yet, I have often lived small, hoped small, and settled for small in my marriage. Common Ground is the first book I have ever read on marriage that left me feeling truly blessed in my ravenous feminine wiles to hunger for more while simultaneously blessing Milton’s bounty that he is enough. The paradox of the Gospel embedded in my marriage!
Common Ground is mine and Milton’s Advent gift to you. I pray that it deepens your roots, billows your hope, but most of all causes you to celebrate The Advent working in and through your own broken humanity, and see the unique glory God has done, is doing, and will continue to do in and through your union.
Love, your sister along the journey, k
Kimberly L Smith
Author of Passport through Darkness"
February 10, 2017
I'll admit, I'm hard to please when it comes to marriage books. Dr. Bals book is helpful though. He really focuses on spiritual warfare as an aspect of marriage. This does become a bit depersonalized, but acute awareness of our own sinfulness plus the attempts of Satan against us will help us guard our marriages. Bals encourages spouses to take action developing their relationship to God and to love their spouse in gender-specific ways, and he helpfully reminds us that our spouse may not take well to our attempts to love, serve, and better our marriage because of their own sin. His response to this is never self-righteousness, but patiently waiting and longing in faith.
February 25, 2022
This book was a balm. Rather than prescriptively assigning tasks to husband and wife this book invites the reader to see marriage through the eyes of scripture. It encourages the reader to join with Christ and find redemption through sanctification, highlighting some of the specific ways that instead it is so simple to join with evil to bring discord.
I would recommend to anyone, married or not, simply for the perspective on joining with Christ rather than with evil.
I would recommend to anyone, married or not, simply for the perspective on joining with Christ rather than with evil.
February 16, 2022
Solid book that focuses on the purpose of marriage, what it is and what it isn't that also explains all sorts of ideas and philosophies in easy to grasp language. This would be good to re-read every few years and/or read and discuss with your spouse.
October 3, 2022
Grateful to be taking the class with Dr. Bals as accompaniment to the text--allowing the time & repetition & clarification of conversation, without which I would've missed most of the book's wisdom.
June 3, 2019
This is hands down the best marriage book I've ever read. When Lauren and I were in a difficult place in our marriage a couple of months into marriage, a counselor friend of mine recommended that we read this book. Time and time again, it proved to be so incredibly helpful as it laid out exactly what we were going through. In the book, Bals lays out a lot of wisdom about the lies we are tempted to believe, the unique struggles we face in the roles of husband and wife, and the unique ways we are called to love one another. I cannot recommend this book highly enough, to those of you are married, facing difficulty in relating to one another, but even to those who aren't.
Quote: "God burdened Adam with futility to frustrate his desire to have impact...He burdened Eve with disappointment in relationships to frustrate her desire to be connected...The burden of Genesis makes clear that the marriage relationship will be more vexing for the wife…The marital relationship is easier for the husband than it is for the wife...Marriage is more tenuous for a wife because she longs for more in marriage than her husband does, and she is wounded more deeply by marital pain.”
Quote: "God burdened Adam with futility to frustrate his desire to have impact...He burdened Eve with disappointment in relationships to frustrate her desire to be connected...The burden of Genesis makes clear that the marriage relationship will be more vexing for the wife…The marital relationship is easier for the husband than it is for the wife...Marriage is more tenuous for a wife because she longs for more in marriage than her husband does, and she is wounded more deeply by marital pain.”
March 29, 2015
This book was recommended by Kimberly L Smith from Makeway Partners. I admire her and will read whatever she recommends.
When I first was married, or engaged, the books on marriage which hit home most were practical tips. But now, 8 years in, this book hits home on the true factor driving challenges and success in marriage.
One "aha" moment for me was when the author pointed out how the curse which accompanied the fall plays out in marriage.
Although the struggle is a result of our own sinful choice(s,) God designed it so we have to look to Him to meet our deepest needs. And, of course, that is when we find All we need. So, what in one way is a curse is actually a blessing.
When I first was married, or engaged, the books on marriage which hit home most were practical tips. But now, 8 years in, this book hits home on the true factor driving challenges and success in marriage.
One "aha" moment for me was when the author pointed out how the curse which accompanied the fall plays out in marriage.
Although the struggle is a result of our own sinful choice(s,) God designed it so we have to look to Him to meet our deepest needs. And, of course, that is when we find All we need. So, what in one way is a curse is actually a blessing.
September 10, 2015
I appreciate tremendously how Dr. Bals consistently points to our need for Christ in this book, that marriage is in no way going to complete you as a person and is in fact meant in some ways to point you to Christ because of relational futility. There are some very good pastoral counseling ideas throughout. My complaint is that I have trouble taking what he says and thinking in more practical terms. Occasionally there are times when I thought I understood a concept, only to read one of his examples and wonder how that related. I know others though who absolutely adored the book and who grasped its content better than I. Recommended.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews