The Marriage Builder: Creating True Oneness to Transform Your Marriage

by Larry Crabb

Bestselling author Larry Crabb cuts to the heart of the biblical view of marriage: the "one-flesh" relationship. He argues convincingly that the deepest needs of human personality security and significance ultimately cannot be satisfied by a marriage partner. We need to turn to the Lord, rather than our spouse, to satisfy our needs. This frees both partners for "soul oneness," a commitment to minister to our spouse's needs rather than manipulating them to meet our own needs. With "soul oneness" comes renewed "body oneness," where couples enjoy sexual pleasure as an expression and outgrowth of a personal relationship.

The Marriage Builder also identifies three building blocks essential to constructing marriage: the grace of God, true marriage commitment, and acceptance of one's mate. Discussion questions are included to aid couples who want to dig into it and apply the principles to their own lives and marriages. The Marriage Builder is for anyone who longs to transform marriage from trial to triumph."

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Relationships, Nonfiction, Family, Counselling, Christian Living

224 pages, Paperback

First published October 26, 1982

About the author

Lawrence J. Crabb Jr.

Larry Crabb is a well-known Christian psychologist, conference and seminar speaker, Bible teacher, and author of more than 25 books—including his most recent, When God’s Ways Make No Sense and two Gold Medallion award-winners Inside Out and Understanding People. He is also the founder/director of NewWay Ministries & most recently his "legacy ministry", LargerStory.com. In addition to various other speaking and teaching opportunities, Crabb offers a week-long School of Spiritual Direction held each year here at The Cove and the Glen Eyrie in CO. He currently is scholar-in-residence at Colorado Christian University. Larry and his wife of 50 years, Rachael, reside near Charlotte, N.C.

Reviews

[R.F. Gammon]

Definitely made me think in a lot of new ways about the Mystery of Marriage and all that jazz

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

"This is one of the most challenging book I have read related to marriage and is likely the reason I enjoy my marriage today. Crabb's core thesis is that the reason most marriages struggle is that the partners are looking for the other person to meet or needs, to fill up a void in our lives that only God can fill. This book calls us to trust God to meet our core needs, and out of that dependence to choose to love, serve, and sacrifice for our spouse. I know that when I keep this in mind, that I am a better husband to my wife. Crabb challenged my assumption that my wife was going to somehow complete me, but rather encouraged me to consider her a companion on a journey. Many of the principles which Crabb applies to marriage are equally true in other relationships. I think Thomas Keller's The Meaning of Marriage is a better book, but I read Crabb's book years before so it is the one that changed me. I read Ed Wheat's Love Life about the same time as Crabb's book. It gave me hope that while what Crabb described would be hard, there would be joy.

[Lois · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m pretty picky about marriage books but I did like this one overall. I loved the emphasis he put upon finding our identity and security in Christ, not our spouse. However, sometimes it seemed like his solution was always “identity and security in Christ” which is true but also the person needed some therapy! I never want to downplay Christ’s role in our lives but I do believe He gives us tools like good Christian therapists and counselors to help us work through trauma and other issues.

[Matthew · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have a love-hate relationship with this book. It is insightful and challenging. Working through the study questions for each chapter was revealing and at times made me want to throw it out the window! Every married couple should work through this together.

[Grace Harrison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the best Christian marriage book I have ever read. He really gets to the heart of marital issues, not just talking about negative behaviors that need to stop. He gets much deeper into it. It's a challenging book. These concepts are mature and require actual inward reflection, honest self evaluation, and real work. I'll be recommending this to married friends. (Probably better for couples who've been married at least a couple years. Not the best for engaged or newly weds.)

[Kathryn Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Add me to Larry Crabb's fan club because I've never read a book of his that I didn't love. This is without a doubt the best marriage book I have ever read. But more than that, the themes in this book are key for living the Christian life, not just for the Christian marriage.

Even if you are not struggling in your marriage, you should read this book. I was truly encouraged and got a bit of a wake up call. Sometimes I really do live with myself at the center of my life. But when Jesus is in the center, I can give and minister to my husband because that's what I've been called to do. Not because I'm expecting something in return.

[Ryan Jankowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I've read on marriage to date. Highly recommended and one in which I intend to use frequently going forward.

[Rachel Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

A reread - this is a great book.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many marriage books affirm my beliefs. This one challenged them.

Dr. Larry Crabb fleshes out this central message: What you believe about God determines how you find meaning and love.

"Beliefs determine goals."

IF marriage is an opportunity to capture the very heart of Christ—to be used by God to bring my spouse into a more satisfying appreciation of their worth as a person who is secure and significant in Jesus Christ, THEN my response must be to find my ultimate fulfillment in Christ.

This awareness, "frees me from self-centered preoccupation with my own needs; they are met. It is now possible for me to give to others out of my fullness rather than needing to receive from others because of my emptiness." 

A solid read. 👏

[Tori · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I loved about this book was how it focused on the unique opportunity we have in our relationship with our spouse. Through marriage God has given us the ability to minister to each other like no one else can. Through biblical teaching, Larry Crabb demonstrates how we are to minister to one another. I highly recommend this book to all those who are looking to grow in their marriage.

[Neil David · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books on not just marriage but relationships in general. 10/10 recommend.

[Dave Boice · Rating 3 out of 5]

After recently getting married, my wife and I joined a book study at our local church. We joined four other couples and read a chapter from The Marriage Builder every week then returned with our thoughts. At first, the book seemed very promising. Our lead couple from the study swore by the book's insights and it seemed like the testimonies within the book were solid as well.

As we dove into it, the writing was phenomenal, but analogies and illustrations got to be ridiculous. The Platform of Truth was strange, but what takes the cake is the Spirit Oneness chapter featuring the stick man swinging from the "Cliff of Safety" and hanging tightly onto God from the "Rope of Love" in hopes of not falling into the "Abyss of Rejection." It looked like a twisted, spiritual take of Hangman. Discussing with the other couples, we all knew what the point was getting at, but was hard to get past such a bizarre illustration.

There's several points to each chapter. In the last chapter, we started getting restless from point after point after point, with some points adding in sub-points. We were lost.

After finishing the book, the book seems to hit home more when my spouse and I get into a disagreement. From that aspect, the book helps with reminding ourselves to minister to one another and have that security and significance with Christ. If anything the book drives home, that's someone we can take away from it. The more bumps our marriage experiences, my hope is the advice will resonate more.

[Kara Kuehl · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the main things I appreciated in this book was the great job Dr. Crabb did of discussing the rough sides of marriage that some other marital books neglect to dwell upon.

Also, I found the visual aids to be helpful in my understanding of the material.

Notable Quotes:
--From the 1992 edition--
"Only within the context of relationship can the deepest needs of human personality be met." (Page 20)

"We were not intended to function according to the Master's plan without first equipping ourselves with the Master's provisions." (Page 21)

"Our highest purpose as husbands or wives is to be an instrument for promoting our partners' spiritual and personal welfare." (Pages 65-66)

Things to be aware of in The Marriage Builder:

Language:
- 1 "stupid"

Romantic Content:
- Naturally, sex is discussed quite often.
- Childhood molestation is discussed.

Read my full review here: https://kbook-reviews.blogspot.com/20...

[Yajaira Marmolejo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Up to now, I have loved every book I have read from Larry Crabb. However, for some reason, this one didn't really touch me as usual. I felt like most of the things he said were things that I already knew. Maybe I have been reading too much about this topic to the point I feel I have already over heard all these things or maybe the fact I am not married and because of it, didn't mean much. Although, I do have a relationship and I could partly relate. To me, when reading, I felt like I needed to know or be guided in how to get to the place where Crabb was pointing. How do you transferred from desiring my partner to meet my needs to meeting my needs in Christ? I didn't experience this transition expressed in the book and that left me a little disappointing. Maybe my heart wasn't in the right place, but nevertheless, read it for yourself for I know that the Lord can use many men to help us and lead us closer to him and I believe Crabb is one of those men.

[Chad CG · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed Crabb’s scholarly perspective and writing style, and the way he addressed things clearly, logically and from the view point of a counselor. It felt like a good blend of psychological and religious understanding on marriage dynamics and presented complex ideas in straightforward ways. The main take away for me was obviously the idea of ministry vs manipulation. I thought this book helped me see the subtleties of a manipulative heart and how easy it can be to confuse desires with goals, and because of that, resort to manipulation. The book presented some real challenging ways of viewing and living out marriage but I think those are easier to welcome because of how well he explains the reasons behind why we should live that way. I definitely believe this book has shown me a lot of work I need to do in my heart and relationship with the Lord and my wife.

[Josiah Richardson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Depending on where you are in your marriage, this can be more or less helpful. There is a reason this book isn't called "The marriage saver" or something along those lines, because it isn't a book for a tumultuous marriage. I have said this about other books on marriage and I'll mention it again here; I find it interesting how many people (especially Christians) read books on theology, church history, apologetics, and so on - but read little to nothing on marriage. It is an integral part of the Christian walk for those who are married and should be nourished and grown, both in thought and deed, as much as possible. Crabb's book here is now over 40 years old, but marriage is quite older than that so your circumstances may be culturally different than the ones mentioned in this book, but they are nothing outside the scope of Scripture.

[DeeDee Scarberry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read. Convicting, truthful, real, and challenges husbands and wives to really lay down their lives, let go of control, focus on what you can change about yourself, and ultimately be fulfilled and satisfied in God’s love, so then be able to pour out love, acceptance, and forgiveness for your spouse, whether or not it seems they deserve it. I will definitely keep coming back to this book. It holds truths that I think will be very helpful during the difficult seasons where I might need a shift in my perspective and thinking.

[David Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was yet another book that I was introduced to through my Marriage and Family Systems course at Moody Bible Institute. This was such a challenging and insightful read. One of the main things that I am taking away from this book is the idea that if I want to improve my marriage I must put more effort into growing my dependency on Christ.

This book challenged me to remember that God gas and will supply all of my needs according to His glorious riches. It challenged me to redefine my needs and desires.

10/10 would recommend!

[Barac Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best book on marriage (and I’m not exaggerating), with profound biblical counseling insights in every chapter. The chapter on communication was also very practical with detailed steps on how to react when your spouse is expressing his/her feelings.
The author really goes for the root causes of our problems and difficulties in our marriages, distinguishing between our needs and our desires and creating a biblical frame in which our marriages can thrive and reflect God’s purpose and design for them.

[Jessalyn Plant · Rating 4 out of 5]

It has been a while since I read this one and my life situation has changed dramatically. From reading it as a young single Bible school student, to now reading it as a married woman and a mother. The truths within its pages still resonate. This book is a thoughtful one and has less "actionable" tips and tricks than a person might be looking for. The foundation for right living is right thinking and this book will help align the two.

[Rohan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Didn't finish completely (ended up skimming the last few chapters) but the first few were really helpful. Reminding me to build my identity in Christ first, that will most help a strong marriage. (Obvious, but key!)

Also had some great scaffolding for ways to start conversations that help conflict go well.

[Bethany Stewart · Rating 3 out of 5]

His main focus is to work on your relationship with Christ and your marriage will be better. While I agree I don't think all marriage problems are that easy to fix. I don't agree with his advice for relationships following affairs or abuse. There are much better marriage books on the market than this one.

[Dalen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had some very helpful concepts and frameworks, especially the contrast between ideas and goals that the author used throughout the book. At times it seemed a little closer to nouthetic counseling ideas than I'm comfortable with, but overall I felt like it was a solid book with helpful advice.

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m giving this 5 stars because the ideas are so different from what the typical marriage book promotes. The info seems like it could lead to much more significant change in interaction between spouses if these concepts are applied by both. Not easy but worthwhile.

[Clayton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think it is important to read something like Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud when reading this book. He emphasizes oneness, and it is important too to create healthy boundaries and agreements of how to treat each other.

[Miles Lapointe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Favorite of the marriage books I read! I’d give it 4.5 - great stuff expounding upon what it means to have your needs met fully in Christ but still in many ways, met in your spouse. Only thing I didn’t love is many “the Bible says this…” without actually citing a reference or anything

[Dana · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best marriage books I have read so far as Crabb gets to meat of issues we have in marriage, with ourselves, and with God.

[Veronica · Rating 1 out of 5]

TOO Highbrow

My husband and I tried to read this together. We had to keep reading paragraphs over and over. It should have been written in everyman language.

[Sarah Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

We read this for our couples small group and it provided a good base for conversation as well as questions in the back of the book.

[Meg Pileggi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! I recommend this to all my married friends. I read this while deployed on a ship and found that it was so good I bought the audio book and continue to listen to it regularly.