Love: All That Matters

All That Matters

by Mark Vernon

All That Matters argues that the modern view on love has been distorted by a fixation on romantic love that has depleted our resources for living through the darker sides of love, whereas in fact there are several ways in which humans give and experience love over the course of their lives and it is best to have access to them all.

Vernon draws on science, psychology, philosophy and literature, to examine eight different kinds of love, each associated with a phase of human development. From infant narcissism and the emergence of eros, through puberty and the rush of romantic love, to the end of life and the love of God, this is a beguiling tour of the most mysterious force of all.

This accessible and readable book will appeal to both students and general readers, giving a fascinating introduction to the psychology and philosophy of love - and what matters most about it.

160 pages, Paperback

First published January 25, 2013

Reviews

[Marcus · Rating 3 out of 5]

As the wise philosopher Haddaway once pondered “What is Love?” This little book sets out to give us an answer. It draws on the early narcissism of infancy, the love for a mother and eventual requirements to sit in relation to others. Along the way Vernon draws on myths and legend, the sacred need for God and lots of Plato.

[Reza Amiri Praramadhan · Rating 4 out of 5]

What is love? This is one greatest mysteries of life, the author tries to explain, mostly by drawing on Plato as his highest authority and inspiration. Many things are discussed, beginning with narcissism as earliest form of love that human encounters, whether love is a mean or a goal, the perception of love throughout the ages, generally the attempts to understand love as something tangible. While the philosophical musings confuse me so, I tend to agree with what can be used to describe my own struggle with loving someone. A short, informative reading, yet need to be read quite slowly to really understand the point, at least from my own experience.

[Tony Dib · Rating 3 out of 5]

رحلة في فلسفة الحب وأنواعه، بدءاً من الأساطير وصولاً لعلم النفس الحديث.
أعجبني وأمتعتني فصوله ما عدا التاسع ذو العنوان «الحب، الإنسان، والآلهة» الذي وجدته دون مستوى ما سبقه.

[Imogen C · Rating 3 out of 5]

DNF at 75%

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Love: All That Matters (Paperback) by Mark Vernon
from the library


Quick summary of my view: this book is hopelessly Freudian, hopelessly based on Western middle class (and somewhat above) ideas, is not addressing the many immigrant cultures in Britain or the USA, let alone anywhere else. Like any other Patriarchial model it is based on the inequality of women to men, and the subsequent family structure based on this foundation. In spite of all this I agree with one of his basic premises--that there are many kinds of love ( more than the author recognizes) and that they are all possibilities for human development.


from the library

Authors referenced:
Freud for primary narcissism
Donald Winnicott for "good enough mother"
Arnold Gesell for possessive pronouns come before subjective and objective ones
Jean Piaget for solving the mystery of how to open a box when they learn how to open their mouth
The myth of Narcissus and Echo
Three types of pathological narcissism:
successful but disabled when forming interpersonal intimate rel's
manipulative N
dis-empowered N
Thomas Moore for Care of the Soul
p23 chart of troubled N
Nietzsche for isolation
Alice in Wonderland for finding the self from rubbing up against others
Daniel Stern for attunement
John Bowlby for attachment difficulty: ambiv/ avoidant / insecure disorganized
Priscilla Roth for internalizing the caregivers love

Bartels & Zeki - article "The neural basis of romantic love"

Raymond Tallis - book "Aping Mankind: Neuromania, Darwinitis and the Misrepresentation of Humanity"

Simon May - book "Love: A History"
in the 18th century, people recognized that in love, a human being "doesn't lose himself but finds himself."

Rousseau - book "Reveries of a Solitary Walker"
consistent with the Enlightenment, romance is for romance's sake p. 45

p. 49 - the myth of Eros and Anteros

Tolstoy - short story "Happily Ever After"
modern version of Eros & Anteros

Alain Badiou - book "In Praise of Love"
love isn't just about finding the right person, love is work. Problems generate life when they act as checks and balances on romantic

fantasy. Desire focuses on parts of a person (fetishes) and love focuses on the being.

Erich Fromm - book "The Art of Loving"
Only strangers can fall in love (E. disagrees)

p. 58 - the word "sexy" is less than 100 years old. "Having sex" became common in WWII.

Owen Barfield introduction to book "The Meaning of Love" by Vladimir Solovyov (influenced Toltsoy & Dostoevsky)
most people of science believe that sexual instinct is more fundamental than love, which is a socialized overlay. (this is still controversial-- it may not be true)
Solovyov points out that sexual reproduction is only for the most complicated of animals....that it hardly competes with other forms of reproduction for how much is produced

Robin Dunbar for how many friends one can maintain -150
Martin Buber for I-thou relationships
Bert Hellinger for what we must do or believe to belong to a friendship
Peter Hacker for what is a 'feeling'? perception...sensation...appetite..affection (emotion, attitude, rational, a stance)

[Akkan · Rating 2 out of 5]

So, "love" is God..!?
Currently reading the "God" from the same author...
Lets see , it will maybe end like: "God" is love...
tongue out smileys..!