You Wouldn't be Dead for Quids

Les Norton #1

by Robert G. Barrett

Les Norton, a big red-headed country boy from Queensland, has just arrived in the big smoke and is set to make his mark. Working as a bouncer at an illegal casino in the Cross, Les encounters a number of fascinating characters who make up the seamier side of one of the most exciting cities in the world ? gamblers, conmen, bookies, bouncers, hookers and hit men, who ply their respective trades from the golden sands of Bondi to the tainted gutters of Kings Cross... usually on the wrong side of the law.

Genres: Australia, Fiction, Humor, Audiobook, Action, Crime

Audio CD

First published January 1, 1985

About the author

G’day.
You’ve no doubt read a lot of things about me and my books over the years written by other people. Well, this is the truth. I grew up in Bondi in Sydney, Australia. I went to Bondi Beach Public School then on to Randwick Boys High. I left school at 14, did a few odd jobs then a trade as a butcher, mainly in the Eastern suburbs before finally working as a boner in various meatworks around the inner city with two trips to Ross River meatworks at Townsville, Queensland thrown in. I gave up boning after a hindquarter fell on me tearing the tendons in my right arm. I always liked writing letters and reading, so while I was on worker’s compensation I did three writing courses at the WEA, Worker’s Education Authority.

Robert died of cancer at his home in Terrigal, New South Wales.

Reviews

[David · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is possibly the saddest book I've ever read. Mechanically it's an ok read. It's an episodic novel that creates its characters and its scenes vividly, though of course it helps if you know Sydney and if you were around in Australia in the 80's. However, as tributes to Australian culture goes, this book represents the most bleak, oppressive and sadistic extremes of that period at every turn.
Les Norton is a young Queenslander "with a heart of gold" who, being muscled to high heavens, becomes a bouncer for a gangster in Kings Cross in the 80's. His exploits are every sort of violent, racist, bigoted and misogynistic quirk ever attributed to the blackest desires of Aussie machismo and then some.
He is sent flurrying to the big smoke having beaten a German man to death for assaulting his father. A crooked cop (the first of many romantically described figures) buries the case but tells Les to hot foot it till the heat is off. Les then gets thrown out of the NRL for putting a Maori player in intensive care on the field. Fortunately, Les gyms this rejection out of his system before being co-opted as the most lovable Sydney character (...) a nightclub bouncer.
What follows are pages and pages of his gorey acts of "self-defense" that always play out the same way. A hokum stereotype gets in a few slurs and a cheap shot or two, thusly we are told it is absolutely reasonable for Les to beat them to the point of death. He loves every minute of it like any true-blue Aussie bloke. It's all natural, bush-fella justice after all.
Beyond the sickeningly frequent, gut churning violence, the corrupt cops, the incessant racist stereotyping of everything and everyone that doesn't pass the white, male ocha test, women are nothing short of filth here. Big breasted sheilas in their prime get to orgasm for the big guy. One provokes a moral dilema by being so randy for it she seems certain to have killed her ex-husband from too much sex! Les can't bear the idea of a woman having a higher sex drive than him but fortunately gets to flee the scene when he returns to work flattening racial stereotypes, unsuspecting of the psychotic killer they're dealing with.
One of the most horriffying moments comes when a boar hunting bush dog (how he was tortured by his owners to make him fit for purpose is detailed) is sent into the backyard of a violent German Shepherd. In the gruesomely detailed dog fight that follows, the boar hunter dismembers and eats the other dog alive!
Les and his brother think it's hilarious. Chuck in the stereotypical Greek immigrant neighbours who own the German Shepherd and apparently we're meant to find this a total scream.
Final segment deals with Les being forced to sleep with a "fat, ugly" chick while his bouncer mate goes to bed her hot sister. He's saved by the bell when sis turns out to be a pre-op trans girl who's deformed genitalia are cruelly and mockingly described as the two men taunt her. We are then meant to see Les' true blue Aussie heart when he gets sentimental and physically intervenes to stop his mate killing the trans girl on the spot.
He gets to mock his bouncer mate for being a poof after so no harm done.
How has this made it to TV? What is Rebel Wilson doing in it?! I picked this book up expecting a larrikin ride through memories I could refer to happily from Australia in the 80's and 90's. The only thing that kept me reading was the colloquiallisms and the idiosyncratic Aussie slang and idioms. Those I recognised, but not the people mouthing them.
The truth is, every "true blue Aussie" within this tome is an angry, violent and hate filled man. Les Norton and co are the pure definition of everything wrong with the classically venerated Australian male psyche from beginning to end.
Ham-fisted explanations of why Les does the sickening things he does come and go. You can only be left pitying the dumb bastard for just how hateful he actually is. Morally, ethically, intellectually, spiritually, we are told to believe there can be no debate. When it comes down to it, honour demands Les put his villains in the hospital. It moves beyond caricature, beyond satire: it's just sad to see a person so filled with rage and hatred.
You have to wonder, what sick freak read this book and decided a TV series was in order!
This is a chapter of Australian history that should serve as a dark and highly regrettable cautionary tale of our many mistakes. Les Norton is a villain. We shouldn't be celebrating him, not even a heavily retold version. We should be miserable he existed at all and continue doing our best to ensure he never exists again. Australia is far better without him.

[Clio]

Right. I've read Les Norton now. Not for me, too dated, sexist, etc. The author knew what he wanted though, and it probably wasn't me reading or even critiquing his books, so I'll just leave the series alone.

[Arie Davis · Rating 3 out of 5]

As recommended by big Gaz - fun and a few laughs, but repetitive and shallow for the majority.

[Tien · Rating 4 out of 5]

The two things you'd have to keep in mind when reading this book is that it's the 80s and Les Norton is an absolutely true blue Aussie ;)

Being Aussie, it's all about the idea of 'fair go and you just gotta be able to take a piss at yourself. I reckon this is what this book is all about.

The book seriously surprised me; was completely off my rocker! It's a lot more funny than I ever expected it to be (even though it's mostly polictically incorrect), heaped with violence (again keep in mind that it's the 80s in Kings Cross and Norton is a bouncer), lots of drinking (& drink driving! *grimace*), sex, and "fair dinkum" peppered throughout the book.

About Les:
...he was just a shade under six feet... he did have exceptionally long, think sinewy arms covered in bristly red hairs and at the end of them dangled two massive gnarled hands, the fingers literally like Fijian bananas, the knuckles like fifty cent coins...

As far as looks go Les wasn't ugly, but he was no Robert Redford either. His scrubby red hair topped a pair of dark, brooding eyes set in a wide square face, and with his lantern jaw and the mandatory broken nose of a bouncer Les looked pretty much exactly what he was. His one outstanding feature was a pair of immensely bushy eyebrows, that caused the owner of the casino where Les worked to nickname him Yosemite Sam after a character in the Bugs Bunny show on TV. And whenever Les was about to go into action with his fists those big bushy eyebrows would bristle like the hairs on a dog's back.

And lastly, just a sample of "politically incorrect" Aussie humor (LOL)
'Turn it up Billy,' replied Norton, 'I wouldn't be seen dead with that big fat thing.'

'She's not that fat.'

'Not that fat? She looks like some one's been up her arse with a bike-pump. If she ever fell over she'd rock herself to sleep trying to get back up.'

'Now she's not that bad.'

'Not that bad. Have a look at her big fat head. She's got more chins than the Hong Kong phone book. I reckon if there was a peeping-tom in her neighbourhood he'd pull her blind down.'

[Boy Blue · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you've ever wanted to read a book about a guy solving everything with his fists, this is your book.

The book was written by a butcher and that pretty much says it all. The most vivid descriptions are reserved for the pulverising and at times dismembering of flesh. Last year I read The Glass Canoe and that was a far more enlightened version of the same Australia that Barrett is writing about. Ireland identified meaning, almost a philosophy underpinning the "mateship" that dominated the then largely white Australian cities.

It was a simpler time, well at least to people like Les Norton.

All a man had to be was tough.

And there's humour in here for sure but it's not going to be the sort of humour that suits everyone. In fact I'd say if you read the next two quotes and are repulsed then you'll know never to go near a Les Norton book.

"Being an old Queensland country boy he'd never hit a woman before, but this was the age of women's lib and equality of the sexes so Les did the right thing, he smacked her straight in the mouth, knocking out most of her rotten green teeth, then gave her another one in the eye for good measure."

Les describing a larger women to his mate while working in the Cross.

"She's got more chins than the Hong Kong phone book."

Easily the most racist, misogynistic, mindlessly violent book I've read in years but also a window into a Australia not that long past.

[Ross · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brillant read by Robert Barrett where he introduced Les Norton, surely a hero to most males and no doubt many women. What a character!

This is not the first time I’ve read this book and won’t be the last. Once you start it it’s very difficult to put down.

[Chuckconnor · Rating 5 out of 5]

1986 - Sydney - The Ozzie Navy were celebrating 75 years of kangaroo molestation, and where did they park the Pommy warship? In the dockyard right by the Kings Cross area!

So, was it really surprising that I picked up this wonderful novel and enjoyed it for what it was, and still is - a romp and frollic in a style akin to Jim Thompson or David Goodis who helped to introduce the world to characters who were not heroes, nor the archetypal anti-heroes, but people who you were able to empathize and emote with, even though they were not whiter than white.

I picked this and the second Les Norton novel up in 1986, and then sadly lost them a while back. Now, working through assorted on-like bookshops, I'm putting the old collection back together again, and finding that some of the books I read and enjoyed back then have been able to stand the test of time and are still readable today.

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

Definitely a book for a certain type of boy. Enough "eye rolling " moments from the "legend/s" - I almost strained an eye muscle. I love action. I love humour - both are found in this book if you can sift through the rest of the "stuffing" which is used to stroke hero's ego. There is a word for those who like to stroke their own....
Again, I suppose not every book can be my sort of book, but it had enough going for it that I got through it without skipping ahead. Recommend to a few certain type of lads who would be the type to love it - but not really a book for everyone/anyone.

[Andreas Sekeris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very old school short-stories of 70s Kings Cross gambling dens and gangsters. Enjoyed the characters and also the repeated beats in the stories. Eg. how the guys get together at the end of work to have a few drinks and count the money. It is extremely explicit, both sexually and violently. The violence is a bit repetitive. Every punch from Les breaks a jaw or knocks teeth out. Every punch done to Les is a glancing blow.

[Dennis · Rating 4 out of 5]

RIP author Robert G Barrett . His Les Norton books were very witty

[Sara Giacalone · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easy read. Humorous, not politically correct, will offend many. Nice view of Oz in the 1980s. Recommended by a friend. Will probably read other books in the series just for a bit of a change.

[Charlie G · Rating 4 out of 5]

Peak 1980s Australia... take me back.

[Wide Eyes, Big Ears! · Rating 1 out of 5]

The narrator opens the audiobook with a statement saying the views expressed in the book are not the views of the narrator or the publisher - they’re not mine either. I’d sort of thought of Les Norton as an Australian Jack Reacher, violently righting wrongs, but now that I’ve read this, I can see he doesn’t represent my Australia; he’s just a racist, misogynistic, homophobic thug who would rather punch someone than deal with them and who is part of the criminal underworld. The book is a series of loosely joined episodes which Norton blunders through rather than one long story - some are fun, but most give Norton an excuse to revel in violence in a way that makes Reacher seem restrained and circumspect. Reacher is deadly and intelligent, Norton is a reactive brawler. Being a larrikin doesn’t excuse you from treating others with respect, especially when you’re larger and more muscly. I won’t be reading any more. 🎧 Dino Marnika has the Ocker accent down pat and his narrative performance is the best thing about this book.

[Veronica-Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the first of the Les Norton series, we follow the adventures of the rough and ready, good-hearted, but definitely not to be messed with infamous bouncer. I love these stories as I am always laughing and squirming at the same time. Les meets up with extraordinary people and is constantly getting into trouble that is usually not of his making. Robert G. Barrett is not for the faint-hearted as his descriptions of fight scenes are extremely gory. However, the rather black humour is given equal status thereby the cohesion of both has a natural flow that makes for a really hilarious easy and fun read.

[Helen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not for me. A shame, because I was enjoying the writing, but I’m only one story in and I’m already bored (and slightly repulsed by) the graphic descriptions of the injuries inflicted by Les on people who are in the wrong, sure, but shouldn’t be in intensive care because of it. Good fun if it’s your sort of thing, but it’s not mine.

[Lotus · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the first in the Les Norton series and its a great introduction to the funny Aussie character that Les is. He's kind of like a laconic, but fighting, ferocious and yet principled Mick Dundee type. It's all pure fiction and takes some swallowing but its great humour.

[Jim · Rating 2 out of 5]

remember the sixties, step back to board shorts, thongs, HQ panel vans days at the beach, just an book to read, pass some time to find a good one we all have different tastes, fun read not taxing

[Warren Olson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yet another great Barrett/Les Norton tale - probably a little hard going if your not an Aussie or familiar with the land of the kanga's ; but a great fun read if you are !

[Corina · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of bob's brilliant books, this set him in good stead to continue writing a further 20 something books

[Desiree · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved the book it actually hooked me on the series'

[Alex Cantone · Rating 3 out of 5]

First book I read by this author. Loved it for all the sex, fights, larger than life characters and lack of political correctness.

[Jan WIcher · Rating 4 out of 5]

not for anyone that is easily offended. There is no political correctness

[Clynt Guazzelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

funny as fuck

[Jac Buchanan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Robert G. Barrett tells it how it is, very much, erring on the side of a toey, Aussie bouncer. And I do mean bouncer, not security, not buttercup.
As applies to all in the Les Norton series (which I will happily read more than once) there is a strong patriarchal, misogynistic tone that runs through Barrett's series. For that, a star is lost. Only one, as without it you would never obtain an accurate depiction of the security industry as it stands now and at that time. I know - I lived it. I was subjected to it. I was vaguely and badly claimed to be 'protected' by it. I am glad it is presented for what it is, and hope that readers can see the harm.
Outside of that, it is a sexy, bloody romp that plays well to many (not all) cishet, Caucasian, Aussie-male fantasies, particularly those falling into the stereotype that is Les Norton.
Do I recommend it?
Yes, but only to those who can see the patriarchy. I would have for someone to think this is the way world should continue to turn. It is also decent reading to see action in a more comical depiction without losing the essence of momentum. For that, writers may well enjoy the study.

[Bob Bransdon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rougher Than Sandpaper

This book is not for the faint hearted. It has lots of language, blood and guts and sexual encounters, but it was funny and entertaining. And it resonated with me in a big way, taking place in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs, where I grew up. Ex Queenslander Les Norton’s job was a doorman (bouncer) at the Kings Cross illegal casino, the Kelly Club, owned by well known racehorse owner Price Galese. Those two names were changed from the original to protect the innocent. (In my day I dropped a few red lobsters at the real “Kelly Club” and was quite well acquainted with the real “Price Galese”. There is also reference to Clovelly Hotel which I frequented in my younger days).
Luckily I didn’t get caught up in the shenanigans that main character Les got involved in, in the book. He was not a man you would want to upset. He ate like a horse, drank like a fish and fought like a raging bull, and had no problem pulling a sheila. That was pretty much his life. He wouldn’t be dead for quids.

[Katie Eileen · Rating 3 out of 5]

RIP Barrett, a controversial for these times author. His vivid imagery of 80s Sydney was a joy to read for this at the time young Queenslander, who had only heard very damning dramatic whisperings of the highs and mostly lows of the once infamous King's Cross.

This book is absolutely not politically correct and might come across as meanspirited in some places, but it is very hard to deny Barrett's fantastic sense of humour and flair for drumming up adventures with unsavoury characters and larrikins in and around Bondi.

A book would never demand you identify with a particular gender, but Barrett was hailed and applauded for appealing to a wide male audience, and in some ways it amusingly makes me wonder if Barrett was a "Mills and Boone" fantasy genre for some men. A somewhat standard certain kind of ' blokey fantasy ' a muscly redheaded bouncer, artfully crunching heads, saving the day, dropping a witticism or two, and finally, bedding the most attractive woman in the premises, naturally.

[Marshall · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to love this, and early on Les is a pretty likeable character, but as the story progresses it is pretty obvious that he's just not a nice guy. 

That would be fine except the narration becomes so gleefully nasty, you end up not liking anyone. The blatant homophobia, misogyny and racism becomes increasingly jarring and while it's easy to say "this is just a product of its time", that's a poor excuse. It may well be what some people did, said, and thought in 80's Australia, but they doesn't mean it was ever ok. 

Even then, it might have been possible to enjoy parts of this book until the half-way mark, and the unnecessarily detailed, vicious, cruel and violent animal fight that occurs. It goes on so long it's almost as though it is being revelled in. And then the chapter ends with two of the characters just laughing hysterically about the whole situation. It's disturbing, disgusting and serves no purpose to the story. 

All in all, this became a vile read for me, with a cruel and nasty streak that sapped most of the enjoyment out of it.

[Jo · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book back in the 90s when 'everyone' was reading it. . I'm sure the late Mr Barrett had plenty of original ideas, but at least three of the Les Norton adventures contained herein were lifted, with slight alterations, from a book called 'Up The Cross' by John Byrell, published in 1983 (two years earlier than 'You Wouldn't Be Dead For Quids') and set in the late 1950s in Kings Cross, chronicling the escapades of four diverse mates; Bruce the Rooster, The Scholar, Mick the Muso and Big Oscar. I didn't read any more of Mr Barrett's books.

[TJ Edwards · Rating 3 out of 5]

Les Norton is a larrikin character of the highest magnitude. Filled with loads of prejudices, stereotypes, derogatory slang, sex, and violence, these are stories for a different time. However, I’m curious to see if Barrett has anything else no so filled with sex and violence as he has a few absolutely excellent turns of phrase. Not something I can recommend to just anyone. But fun short reads for the “blokey bloke” in your life.

[Rob Peters · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the iconic Aussie characters - Les Norton. All that was great about Australia before PC was considered a standard acronym in the English dictionary. The old school laconic wit, shady but lovable characters with a bit of depth beyond the cliches. Once you enter his world it’s difficult not to binge the series.