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Raising Girls
A practical guidebook and passionate call-to-arms for parents of girls that empowers them to raise confident, well-rounded daughters in an exploitative world, from the author of the international bestseller Raising Boys.
In today's world, it's especially critical for girls to grow up strong and capable. In this impassioned follow-up to his bestselling Raising Boys, author Steve Biddulph brings together the best thinking from around the world on how to raise daughters of sound character who know that they are loved, and can stand up for themselves and others. Biddulph teaches parents how to build their daughters' self-assuredness, encourage friendships, and equip them to learn and believe in themselves. This detailed guidebook teaches parents, grandparents, and caretakers exactly what matters for and to girls at which age, and how to build confidence and connectedness from infancy to young womanhood.
In today's world, it's especially critical for girls to grow up strong and capable. In this impassioned follow-up to his bestselling Raising Boys, author Steve Biddulph brings together the best thinking from around the world on how to raise daughters of sound character who know that they are loved, and can stand up for themselves and others. Biddulph teaches parents how to build their daughters' self-assuredness, encourage friendships, and equip them to learn and believe in themselves. This detailed guidebook teaches parents, grandparents, and caretakers exactly what matters for and to girls at which age, and how to build confidence and connectedness from infancy to young womanhood.
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First published November 23, 2011
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About the author
Steve Biddulph
110 books175 followersStephen John Biddulph AM is an Australian author, activist and psychologist who has written a number of influential bestselling books; and lectures worldwide on parenting, and boys' education. He is married and has two children and grandchildren.
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April 13, 2013
I borrowed this from the library, but it’s the kind of book you want to have for all time reference. So I might buy it, or, borrow it again and again.
I’m actually writing this review so I can have a look later when I need guidance.
One thing that annoyed me was that the book sometimes mentioned researches and didn’t give a footnote about the research. But at the back, in Author’s notes, all were listed, so I felt safe to trust the book. In fact, I think the writer/editor wanted to make this book as an easy read for all parents (who have too much things in their heads already!), that they were considerate enough to remove reference on researches from the pages and put them altogether on the back.
A huge part of this book deals with teenage years, which I suppose, the most dreadful years for any parents.
I learned a lot from this book:
1) Calmness is a skill
Something that you must teach your baby/kids, especially if your child is a big tantrum thrower like mine! Just like sleep, a baby needs to be taught how to do it. I thought it was a natural thing to do, but, hey, they’re very young, they came with absolutely no knowledge of this world that they panic when the nappy is soiled and when they’re super tired. I learnt that babies are wired to panic from this book, because super calm babies had been eaten by fox or other creatures in the past when mums were busy gathering food outside the cave..lol..so, only babies with super loud cries survived, it’s kind of natural selection.
2) Not to limit their toys with girl toys or boy toys, girls can play rocket and become an astronaut in the future. But be careful with toys that look unreal (Barbie) and revolting (Bratz). I hated Bratz before reading this, and my feelings are justified now.
3) Not to limit age of friends they interact with. Interacting with older people gives them role model and with younger people gives them confidence, so it’s good to be involved in a big group like church/ sport / community, also different groups of friends like elderly in nursing home, wise old men, eccentric aunties are great to give her a different mirror to see herself, and to find these people we need to take her to do out of the ordinary things like scuba diving, volunteering at nursing home etc.
Having a close aunt whom she can confide to and in return gets some wise thoughts. Because a child has a need of separation from parents to build her independent identity. A wise aunt will be perfect to fill this.
4) Handling feelings is important. Teaching girls to listen to their fear for protection and anger as a way to defend self. But also how to handle sadness and celebrate joy.
5) We need to give advice on how to choose their friends, not someone that tends to use her or crabby
6) We need to help her find her spark, this will create self esteem and identity. For a spark to burn brightly there are 3 important things (someone in the family who is supportive, someone outside the family and opportunity).This spark if developed properly might become a career and even not so, it gives her happiness, focus and enthusiasm.
7) Develop her soul. The soul that whispers wise words in her ears, that will not allow her drive under alcohol influence or give in to peer pressure. Role models are important and so are activities such as being close to nature where one can listen to herself, reading for inward journeys, sports, etc. (spark again, I guess)
There was a story about Missy Higgins, how she was lost in her popularity and left music because she was overwhelmed. She finally came back when she realized that her songs inspired people. That it was not about her, it was for others. ‘Self is lost in the joining’ ‘Art is meant to lift up fellow human beings to a higher place’.
8) Responsibility, the core essence of being an adult. Let her take responsibilities from early age, starting from packing up toys, to helping with house chores and then finding part time job to earn pocket money.
Responsible about one’s own safety. I love the case study about a girl who was involved in an accident and lost her friends because they crossed the road without looking. She blamed the driver all along, but in therapy, she finally admitted that, she was also responsible for the accident, because she did not care to look before crossing. She realized that she was responsible too.
9) Parents don’t need to be friends. No need to loosen up control just because we’re afraid to lose our teenage daughter. They need parents who set curfew and say no. Unpopular maybe, but a good guide.
10) Sequence of teaching a child:
Do it for them, do it with them, watch while they do it, let them do it themselves. The example was about toddler brother and sister fighting over taking turn at the slide. The lil sis just screamed, the boy didn’t let her sis take turn. So mum stepped in and showed her how to say ‘Please can I have a turn?’ and also confirmed the next time ‘Have you asked your brother loud and clearly?” It’s a lot better than barking at the boy saying, “Let your sister have her turn!!” Because that only teaches her to come to mummy next time she has trouble
11) It’s shown in research that teens need more sleep because their brains are being restructured. I wish this research was available to my own Mum back then!! She used to say I sleep too much, lazy etc. Turned out that I was just growing up!
Keeping bed routine is important to make sure they get enough sleep and avoid electronics in bedroom. Mobiles are to be charged outside the bedroom, also obvious with computers. Books are relaxing, though.
12) Chemicals
-hormones in cow’s milk affects mammary gland, linked to early puberty onset, even behavioral and mental problems.
-Exposure of pregnant moms w/BPA (additive in plastic that mimics hormone) check for recycling number 7 on the bottom) correlated w/toddlers having behavior problems, aggressive, hyper, depression
BPA is also present in the liners of canned vegies and soups, canned tomato soup which is slightly acidic is good to avoid. Canned soft drinks and alcoholic drinks. Plastic cling wrap on food should be avoided unless you can find BPA-free one. Never heat /microwave food with cling wrap still on.
-Hormone mimics are also present in agricultural spray, eat organic if you can (yeah-rolled eyes!)
-Phthalates in cosmetics and plastic is also dangerous
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phthalat...
13) Possible cause of early puberty:
-Central Precocious Puberty Syndrome, not caused by external hormone, treatable
-Race, by age 7, 10% of white, 23%black, 15%Hispanic and 2% Asian girls develop breasts. It’s normal if the girl fall into this category
-A lot of body fat, fat creates estrogen and estrogen tells the body to lay down more fat (vicious cycle!)
-Lots of stress (from broken family)
- Having step dad (why, is not understood clearly, probably cause he gives off pheromone which doesn’t have the same genetic property w/the girl’s, thus affect the girl’s body to mature quicker? Well, that’s just my hypothesis)
- Immigrating from developing country or suffering early starvation (maybe the body decides life is tough , so better get on w/ it?)
13)Wrong sexual ideas have influenced the young minds. Porn find their way to our kids and confuse them. Boys think girls lust for them and it’s ok to treat girls as object, and girls submit to this because they think it’s what the boys want and they have to be like that to be loved. Parents need to educate their children the true sexual relationship. Parents need to nurture open communication so when they’re confused with this, they still can consult like Genevieve’s story. This confusion led to inner destruction of Kaycee who was used and dumped by a boy she adored.
14) Courtship at teenage years. Girls are not sure who they are at this age, so there’s a strong chance she will look to the boy to ‘define her’ and vice versa. Any sign of lack of interest will put her in a spin.
15) Five prime harms:
- sexualization, the idea that girls are sexual commodity and they have to act and look sexy long before they’re ready, important to teach difference of 3 Ls : Liking, Loving and Lusting, feeling all 3 towards 1 person is the best, but often they confuse liking w/ loving, loving w/lusting. An adult woman needs to start discussing what sex is with the girl, doesn’t need to be the mum, can be an aunt
- mean girls, bullying
- body image, closely linked to the above, unhealthy concern on weight and shape
- alcohol abuse, large marketing effort is aimed at young girls, with more flavored colorful alcoholic drink
- online world ..all the above packed into one!! Careful about texting/sexting/online message happening, parents pay for the bill, so have the right to its content, sexting may crystallize to sexual conducts and worse, public humiliation when it’s forwarded to other people. (I remember there was a case in US just last year, she committed suicide after recording her messages on papers in youtube, all started because a boy she was flirting w/video chat asked her to flash her breasts, the boy..or man? Then made the video public and she became an outcast)
16) Be careful with mass media content. Filter TV programs, no TV in the bedroom, choice of magazines (some teens magazines gives instruction on how to do oral sex!!)
17) Bullying, it takes 3 to solve the problem. The perpetrator, usually he/she has her own problem and needs help. The victim, needs to be taught how to respond verbally, ask for help and definite about her right. Bystander, school, witness, have to be responsive. For the victim, skill like body language: standing at full height, making strong eye contact and walking away while looking back at aggressor and also verbal skill like saying, “You need to stop, I don’t like you doing it.” Are necessary.
I’m marking “Queen bees and wannabees “ by Rosalind Wiseman to read.
18)Diet : weight issue.
Better to focus on health than weight. Bullying in the guise of health is fast becoming national pastime (like Biggest Loser). This will drive girls engaging in weight control behavior which might result in nutrient deficiency, smoking addiction, depression, eating disorder etc. BMI is poor indicator of health. (Wow! What a relief!) Two principle: intuitive eating and doing physical activity.
19) Alcohol
Should postpone as late as possible because it interferes w/brain development. Better wait up to 21. Alc is trigger for about 1/3 of all breast cancer, don’t let her simply go out into the city to cruise club until old enough (21), have a definite deal about her getting home and a rescue arrangement that you will get her anytime, anywhere when needed. Until she’s 21 and living under your roof, you have opportunity and responsilbilty on her being home on agreed time and not coming home drunk. A story on one girl named Esther is very nice, she arranges with her friends that each night they go out together, they would vote for one of them to be the voice of reason. This person wouldn’t touch a drink, and the pact is, what she says, they all do , no complaints. They do rotate a little, but a few of the girls get more because they are the ‘respected ones’, and they are proud (I guess being proud to do a guardian role like this is important, so no one feels being left out of fun)
20)Online
-Show positive interest in technology your child is using, create your own account so you know her world. They can block you online, so it is still important to keep the lines of comm re safety and boundaries open
-Know the rules, no FB until 13, they may feel left out, good to talk to your friends and get them to do the same.
-Have filtering device installed, keep computer in public place
-Set a limit for social networking (oops….might have to do it on myself!)
-Keep communication line open, intervene when necessary
-Stay connected to your daughter, strong connection reduces risky behavior
-Know the law, if harassment and threats to injure and kill occur over phone/internet, the senders are at risk of criminal charges.
21)Role Modelling
Mum is the person who teaches girls what it means to be a female human being. To learn patience you have to see patience, same w/kindness. She will grow to be similar to us, as we have grown similar to our mums. So we need to watch ourselves.Martyrdom is not good, girls need to see mum taking healthy
Interest in ourselves (health, creative time, spirit).We can maximize our example by explaining, e.g. seeing a person speeding and taking over recklessly. Instead of screaming abuse, we can say, “That person is speeding,but perhaps it’s an emergency. Hope they’re ok.”
Explain your values verbally, like, working hard for short term makes your life easier in long term (study), not to be selfish, etc.etc.
22) Girls and Dad
Dad’s physical strength can be used to give them a sense of safety and higher capacity for excitement (like being a horse for them to ride or a monster they want to wrestle). I think it’s good for building bravery. My girl was afraid of the ride ons at supermarket, but she was okay riding on dad and he moved around crazily. They often did that until eventually my girl was brave enough to ride the real ones.
Again, it’s good to have a one-on-one connection, so it’s good for the girl to have common interest w/dad and go for a fishing trip for example, without the rest of the family.
Mothers make girls secure, dads give them self esteem.
If a girl knows that Dad is interested in her (ask her things, take her to shop man tools and on the way back have a hot choc in a café), she will conclude that she is an interesting person to be with. A feeling she will carry with her with boys later. “If a girl has a wonderful caring Dad, she won’t settle for less when choosing a boyfriend/partner.” Dad’s protection stretches beyond his presence!
Misbehavior in teenage years, rude, rebellious, trashing w/careless boys, booze, drugs, are daughters’ ways to take revenge on an absent Dad.
22) Don’t use “You” sentence, but “I”s.
Instead of. “You ‘re a liar, you said you were coming back at this time…” say “I was scared and worried when you didn’t come home at the time we agreed.”
23) Work/chores have to be shared. Cooking, cleanng, gardening..etc. Our service to them of driving them around, pocket money etc. are gladly given but not to be taken for granted. And they could stop! Doing your share is a way of saying that love is about what you DO, not just what to say.
24)Being clearly non sexual.
A lot of dad, being aware of the concern of sexual abuse, backs away from their teenage daughters. But they actually still need skin contact with Dad to feel secure and loved.
Practical steps for Dads:
- start young to build connection, reading before bed, cuddling, hands on Dad
- find common interest (gardening, fishing, or Dad try to love things the daughter loves). Create tradition: Dad and me always do this
- Listen a lot. Girls like to talk, keep her secret
- Write messages, if dad is travelling, he can write notes/emails. I think this opens up a new communication channel, as some people are more comfortable writing than talking
- Be a great example of manhood. Be clean, smell good, dress well, don’t swear, don’t tell dirty jokes. Daughters have acute senses and sensibilities: even when they acting rough, they don’t like it in their father.
There was a part of this book on how to react when we know our child is a lesbian. I came from a conservative background, so this topic was a bit difficult for me, and something I'd rather not discuss. But then, here, the writer advised us to let go and accept, which I think, is an extremely important aspect of parenting. Not just about their sexual orientation, but, in fact, in all their choices in life.
Kahlil Gibran's poem on children, is something I found very beautiful, yet disturbing, since I always like to be in control...heheeh..
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I’m actually writing this review so I can have a look later when I need guidance.
One thing that annoyed me was that the book sometimes mentioned researches and didn’t give a footnote about the research. But at the back, in Author’s notes, all were listed, so I felt safe to trust the book. In fact, I think the writer/editor wanted to make this book as an easy read for all parents (who have too much things in their heads already!), that they were considerate enough to remove reference on researches from the pages and put them altogether on the back.
A huge part of this book deals with teenage years, which I suppose, the most dreadful years for any parents.
I learned a lot from this book:
1) Calmness is a skill
Something that you must teach your baby/kids, especially if your child is a big tantrum thrower like mine! Just like sleep, a baby needs to be taught how to do it. I thought it was a natural thing to do, but, hey, they’re very young, they came with absolutely no knowledge of this world that they panic when the nappy is soiled and when they’re super tired. I learnt that babies are wired to panic from this book, because super calm babies had been eaten by fox or other creatures in the past when mums were busy gathering food outside the cave..lol..so, only babies with super loud cries survived, it’s kind of natural selection.
2) Not to limit their toys with girl toys or boy toys, girls can play rocket and become an astronaut in the future. But be careful with toys that look unreal (Barbie) and revolting (Bratz). I hated Bratz before reading this, and my feelings are justified now.
3) Not to limit age of friends they interact with. Interacting with older people gives them role model and with younger people gives them confidence, so it’s good to be involved in a big group like church/ sport / community, also different groups of friends like elderly in nursing home, wise old men, eccentric aunties are great to give her a different mirror to see herself, and to find these people we need to take her to do out of the ordinary things like scuba diving, volunteering at nursing home etc.
Having a close aunt whom she can confide to and in return gets some wise thoughts. Because a child has a need of separation from parents to build her independent identity. A wise aunt will be perfect to fill this.
4) Handling feelings is important. Teaching girls to listen to their fear for protection and anger as a way to defend self. But also how to handle sadness and celebrate joy.
5) We need to give advice on how to choose their friends, not someone that tends to use her or crabby
6) We need to help her find her spark, this will create self esteem and identity. For a spark to burn brightly there are 3 important things (someone in the family who is supportive, someone outside the family and opportunity).This spark if developed properly might become a career and even not so, it gives her happiness, focus and enthusiasm.
7) Develop her soul. The soul that whispers wise words in her ears, that will not allow her drive under alcohol influence or give in to peer pressure. Role models are important and so are activities such as being close to nature where one can listen to herself, reading for inward journeys, sports, etc. (spark again, I guess)
There was a story about Missy Higgins, how she was lost in her popularity and left music because she was overwhelmed. She finally came back when she realized that her songs inspired people. That it was not about her, it was for others. ‘Self is lost in the joining’ ‘Art is meant to lift up fellow human beings to a higher place’.
8) Responsibility, the core essence of being an adult. Let her take responsibilities from early age, starting from packing up toys, to helping with house chores and then finding part time job to earn pocket money.
Responsible about one’s own safety. I love the case study about a girl who was involved in an accident and lost her friends because they crossed the road without looking. She blamed the driver all along, but in therapy, she finally admitted that, she was also responsible for the accident, because she did not care to look before crossing. She realized that she was responsible too.
9) Parents don’t need to be friends. No need to loosen up control just because we’re afraid to lose our teenage daughter. They need parents who set curfew and say no. Unpopular maybe, but a good guide.
10) Sequence of teaching a child:
Do it for them, do it with them, watch while they do it, let them do it themselves. The example was about toddler brother and sister fighting over taking turn at the slide. The lil sis just screamed, the boy didn’t let her sis take turn. So mum stepped in and showed her how to say ‘Please can I have a turn?’ and also confirmed the next time ‘Have you asked your brother loud and clearly?” It’s a lot better than barking at the boy saying, “Let your sister have her turn!!” Because that only teaches her to come to mummy next time she has trouble
11) It’s shown in research that teens need more sleep because their brains are being restructured. I wish this research was available to my own Mum back then!! She used to say I sleep too much, lazy etc. Turned out that I was just growing up!
Keeping bed routine is important to make sure they get enough sleep and avoid electronics in bedroom. Mobiles are to be charged outside the bedroom, also obvious with computers. Books are relaxing, though.
12) Chemicals
-hormones in cow’s milk affects mammary gland, linked to early puberty onset, even behavioral and mental problems.
-Exposure of pregnant moms w/BPA (additive in plastic that mimics hormone) check for recycling number 7 on the bottom) correlated w/toddlers having behavior problems, aggressive, hyper, depression
BPA is also present in the liners of canned vegies and soups, canned tomato soup which is slightly acidic is good to avoid. Canned soft drinks and alcoholic drinks. Plastic cling wrap on food should be avoided unless you can find BPA-free one. Never heat /microwave food with cling wrap still on.
-Hormone mimics are also present in agricultural spray, eat organic if you can (yeah-rolled eyes!)
-Phthalates in cosmetics and plastic is also dangerous
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phthalat...
13) Possible cause of early puberty:
-Central Precocious Puberty Syndrome, not caused by external hormone, treatable
-Race, by age 7, 10% of white, 23%black, 15%Hispanic and 2% Asian girls develop breasts. It’s normal if the girl fall into this category
-A lot of body fat, fat creates estrogen and estrogen tells the body to lay down more fat (vicious cycle!)
-Lots of stress (from broken family)
- Having step dad (why, is not understood clearly, probably cause he gives off pheromone which doesn’t have the same genetic property w/the girl’s, thus affect the girl’s body to mature quicker? Well, that’s just my hypothesis)
- Immigrating from developing country or suffering early starvation (maybe the body decides life is tough , so better get on w/ it?)
13)Wrong sexual ideas have influenced the young minds. Porn find their way to our kids and confuse them. Boys think girls lust for them and it’s ok to treat girls as object, and girls submit to this because they think it’s what the boys want and they have to be like that to be loved. Parents need to educate their children the true sexual relationship. Parents need to nurture open communication so when they’re confused with this, they still can consult like Genevieve’s story. This confusion led to inner destruction of Kaycee who was used and dumped by a boy she adored.
14) Courtship at teenage years. Girls are not sure who they are at this age, so there’s a strong chance she will look to the boy to ‘define her’ and vice versa. Any sign of lack of interest will put her in a spin.
15) Five prime harms:
- sexualization, the idea that girls are sexual commodity and they have to act and look sexy long before they’re ready, important to teach difference of 3 Ls : Liking, Loving and Lusting, feeling all 3 towards 1 person is the best, but often they confuse liking w/ loving, loving w/lusting. An adult woman needs to start discussing what sex is with the girl, doesn’t need to be the mum, can be an aunt
- mean girls, bullying
- body image, closely linked to the above, unhealthy concern on weight and shape
- alcohol abuse, large marketing effort is aimed at young girls, with more flavored colorful alcoholic drink
- online world ..all the above packed into one!! Careful about texting/sexting/online message happening, parents pay for the bill, so have the right to its content, sexting may crystallize to sexual conducts and worse, public humiliation when it’s forwarded to other people. (I remember there was a case in US just last year, she committed suicide after recording her messages on papers in youtube, all started because a boy she was flirting w/video chat asked her to flash her breasts, the boy..or man? Then made the video public and she became an outcast)
16) Be careful with mass media content. Filter TV programs, no TV in the bedroom, choice of magazines (some teens magazines gives instruction on how to do oral sex!!)
17) Bullying, it takes 3 to solve the problem. The perpetrator, usually he/she has her own problem and needs help. The victim, needs to be taught how to respond verbally, ask for help and definite about her right. Bystander, school, witness, have to be responsive. For the victim, skill like body language: standing at full height, making strong eye contact and walking away while looking back at aggressor and also verbal skill like saying, “You need to stop, I don’t like you doing it.” Are necessary.
I’m marking “Queen bees and wannabees “ by Rosalind Wiseman to read.
18)Diet : weight issue.
Better to focus on health than weight. Bullying in the guise of health is fast becoming national pastime (like Biggest Loser). This will drive girls engaging in weight control behavior which might result in nutrient deficiency, smoking addiction, depression, eating disorder etc. BMI is poor indicator of health. (Wow! What a relief!) Two principle: intuitive eating and doing physical activity.
19) Alcohol
Should postpone as late as possible because it interferes w/brain development. Better wait up to 21. Alc is trigger for about 1/3 of all breast cancer, don’t let her simply go out into the city to cruise club until old enough (21), have a definite deal about her getting home and a rescue arrangement that you will get her anytime, anywhere when needed. Until she’s 21 and living under your roof, you have opportunity and responsilbilty on her being home on agreed time and not coming home drunk. A story on one girl named Esther is very nice, she arranges with her friends that each night they go out together, they would vote for one of them to be the voice of reason. This person wouldn’t touch a drink, and the pact is, what she says, they all do , no complaints. They do rotate a little, but a few of the girls get more because they are the ‘respected ones’, and they are proud (I guess being proud to do a guardian role like this is important, so no one feels being left out of fun)
20)Online
-Show positive interest in technology your child is using, create your own account so you know her world. They can block you online, so it is still important to keep the lines of comm re safety and boundaries open
-Know the rules, no FB until 13, they may feel left out, good to talk to your friends and get them to do the same.
-Have filtering device installed, keep computer in public place
-Set a limit for social networking (oops….might have to do it on myself!)
-Keep communication line open, intervene when necessary
-Stay connected to your daughter, strong connection reduces risky behavior
-Know the law, if harassment and threats to injure and kill occur over phone/internet, the senders are at risk of criminal charges.
21)Role Modelling
Mum is the person who teaches girls what it means to be a female human being. To learn patience you have to see patience, same w/kindness. She will grow to be similar to us, as we have grown similar to our mums. So we need to watch ourselves.Martyrdom is not good, girls need to see mum taking healthy
Interest in ourselves (health, creative time, spirit).We can maximize our example by explaining, e.g. seeing a person speeding and taking over recklessly. Instead of screaming abuse, we can say, “That person is speeding,but perhaps it’s an emergency. Hope they’re ok.”
Explain your values verbally, like, working hard for short term makes your life easier in long term (study), not to be selfish, etc.etc.
22) Girls and Dad
Dad’s physical strength can be used to give them a sense of safety and higher capacity for excitement (like being a horse for them to ride or a monster they want to wrestle). I think it’s good for building bravery. My girl was afraid of the ride ons at supermarket, but she was okay riding on dad and he moved around crazily. They often did that until eventually my girl was brave enough to ride the real ones.
Again, it’s good to have a one-on-one connection, so it’s good for the girl to have common interest w/dad and go for a fishing trip for example, without the rest of the family.
Mothers make girls secure, dads give them self esteem.
If a girl knows that Dad is interested in her (ask her things, take her to shop man tools and on the way back have a hot choc in a café), she will conclude that she is an interesting person to be with. A feeling she will carry with her with boys later. “If a girl has a wonderful caring Dad, she won’t settle for less when choosing a boyfriend/partner.” Dad’s protection stretches beyond his presence!
Misbehavior in teenage years, rude, rebellious, trashing w/careless boys, booze, drugs, are daughters’ ways to take revenge on an absent Dad.
22) Don’t use “You” sentence, but “I”s.
Instead of. “You ‘re a liar, you said you were coming back at this time…” say “I was scared and worried when you didn’t come home at the time we agreed.”
23) Work/chores have to be shared. Cooking, cleanng, gardening..etc. Our service to them of driving them around, pocket money etc. are gladly given but not to be taken for granted. And they could stop! Doing your share is a way of saying that love is about what you DO, not just what to say.
24)Being clearly non sexual.
A lot of dad, being aware of the concern of sexual abuse, backs away from their teenage daughters. But they actually still need skin contact with Dad to feel secure and loved.
Practical steps for Dads:
- start young to build connection, reading before bed, cuddling, hands on Dad
- find common interest (gardening, fishing, or Dad try to love things the daughter loves). Create tradition: Dad and me always do this
- Listen a lot. Girls like to talk, keep her secret
- Write messages, if dad is travelling, he can write notes/emails. I think this opens up a new communication channel, as some people are more comfortable writing than talking
- Be a great example of manhood. Be clean, smell good, dress well, don’t swear, don’t tell dirty jokes. Daughters have acute senses and sensibilities: even when they acting rough, they don’t like it in their father.
There was a part of this book on how to react when we know our child is a lesbian. I came from a conservative background, so this topic was a bit difficult for me, and something I'd rather not discuss. But then, here, the writer advised us to let go and accept, which I think, is an extremely important aspect of parenting. Not just about their sexual orientation, but, in fact, in all their choices in life.
Kahlil Gibran's poem on children, is something I found very beautiful, yet disturbing, since I always like to be in control...heheeh..
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
August 27, 2015
Steve Biddulph is a very successful Australian (Tasmanian) psychologist and author of parenting books, including The Secret of Happy Children, The New Manhood, Raising Boys (that has sold a million copies worldwide), and now Raising Girls. He is also the father of a two grown children, a boy and a girl.
While there are a plethora of books currently available about parenting Raising Girls provides comprehensive down to earth advice that parents can relate to and use in their own parenting. Steve writes on the back cover that he wrote Raising Girls because "… today, it's girls who are in trouble, in a world that is forcing them to grow up too fast."
Structurally, the book is in three parts: Part One is about the five stages of girlhood; 1) security ([birth to 2years]; 2) exploring [2-5 years]; 3) people skills [5-10 years]; 4) finding her soul/her deep-down self [10-14 years]; and 5) preparing for adulthood [14-18 years] and finishes with a case study of two girls. Part Two is about the five big risk areas for girls and how to survive them; too sexy too soon; mean girls; bodies, weight and food; alcohol and other drugs and; girls and the online word. Part Three is about girls and mums; girls and their dads.
At the end there are author's notes, references to support his writing, a list of contributors, and acknowledgements to people who have informed his writing.
Steve writes in a very relaxed style that includes touches of humor and anecdotes. The anecdotes give the reader confidence that he has been at the coal face of parenting while also being academically qualified as a parenting professional and counselor.
Text boxes that have interesting and relevant extra information abound and there are many attractive line drawings and small black and white photographs throughout.
It is not until you read a book by an Australian or New Zealand author do you realize that there is a special something about the way we write – the words and unique expressions we use - that makes a deep connection with us; it’s called our heart language. This, for me, was a very important extra positive aspect that makes Raising Girls book so readable.
While there are a plethora of books currently available about parenting Raising Girls provides comprehensive down to earth advice that parents can relate to and use in their own parenting. Steve writes on the back cover that he wrote Raising Girls because "… today, it's girls who are in trouble, in a world that is forcing them to grow up too fast."
Structurally, the book is in three parts: Part One is about the five stages of girlhood; 1) security ([birth to 2years]; 2) exploring [2-5 years]; 3) people skills [5-10 years]; 4) finding her soul/her deep-down self [10-14 years]; and 5) preparing for adulthood [14-18 years] and finishes with a case study of two girls. Part Two is about the five big risk areas for girls and how to survive them; too sexy too soon; mean girls; bodies, weight and food; alcohol and other drugs and; girls and the online word. Part Three is about girls and mums; girls and their dads.
At the end there are author's notes, references to support his writing, a list of contributors, and acknowledgements to people who have informed his writing.
Steve writes in a very relaxed style that includes touches of humor and anecdotes. The anecdotes give the reader confidence that he has been at the coal face of parenting while also being academically qualified as a parenting professional and counselor.
Text boxes that have interesting and relevant extra information abound and there are many attractive line drawings and small black and white photographs throughout.
It is not until you read a book by an Australian or New Zealand author do you realize that there is a special something about the way we write – the words and unique expressions we use - that makes a deep connection with us; it’s called our heart language. This, for me, was a very important extra positive aspect that makes Raising Girls book so readable.
March 13, 2014
Everyone with young daughters should read this-even baby daughters!
October 4, 2016
My wife recently went to one of Steve Biddulph's public lectures and came home with a couple of his books that she insisted I read. I tend to be of the opinion that if you're the type of parent to fork out the dough to go to a public lecture on how to be a good parent, and are willing to invest the money and time in buying parenting books and then reading them, you probably don't need to be doing so in the first place.
We've all seen the shit parents. The ones who go off at their kids in public and call them every name under the sun. Or the ones who flat out ignore and neglect their children. Sure, there's always things we can all do to improve, but for the most raising your child to be a decent human being is based on a few simple rules: love your child; treat with with warmth, kindness, but also firmness; encourage them in their passions; be willing to hear them out; involve other close adults in their lives; don't let them waste their lives sitting in front of a TV or computer screen 24/7; and so on. Most parents do these things instinctively.
Biddulph's got the bases covered and everything he writes about what to do I would agree with. This book is at its best when he looks at the power of this sort of positive parenting. His final chapters on the wonders of the relationships a girl can have with her mum and dad were, in my view, the best. They did very well to capture the joy I get in my relationship with my daughter.
Where I felt this book went wrong was the huge message of fear that it pedalled. Sex, drugs, alcohol, mental health issues, bullying, and so on, were front and centre in this book. Look at all the terrible things that might happen to your daughter. BE SCARED!!! Look, I completely agree with the idea that our kids have some pretty tough stuff to navigate, but the current of fear-pedalling that ran through this book rubbed me the wrong way. Biddulph spends a lot of time discussing the negative impact huge amounts of media consumption, which he argues sells messages of fear to kids in order to get them to consume. Again, I don't disagree with this assertion.
I just think Biddulph is guilty of the same thing. Parents anxious about all the terrible things that might go wrong with their daughter will be willing to consume the solution being sold.
We've all seen the shit parents. The ones who go off at their kids in public and call them every name under the sun. Or the ones who flat out ignore and neglect their children. Sure, there's always things we can all do to improve, but for the most raising your child to be a decent human being is based on a few simple rules: love your child; treat with with warmth, kindness, but also firmness; encourage them in their passions; be willing to hear them out; involve other close adults in their lives; don't let them waste their lives sitting in front of a TV or computer screen 24/7; and so on. Most parents do these things instinctively.
Biddulph's got the bases covered and everything he writes about what to do I would agree with. This book is at its best when he looks at the power of this sort of positive parenting. His final chapters on the wonders of the relationships a girl can have with her mum and dad were, in my view, the best. They did very well to capture the joy I get in my relationship with my daughter.
Where I felt this book went wrong was the huge message of fear that it pedalled. Sex, drugs, alcohol, mental health issues, bullying, and so on, were front and centre in this book. Look at all the terrible things that might happen to your daughter. BE SCARED!!! Look, I completely agree with the idea that our kids have some pretty tough stuff to navigate, but the current of fear-pedalling that ran through this book rubbed me the wrong way. Biddulph spends a lot of time discussing the negative impact huge amounts of media consumption, which he argues sells messages of fear to kids in order to get them to consume. Again, I don't disagree with this assertion.
I just think Biddulph is guilty of the same thing. Parents anxious about all the terrible things that might go wrong with their daughter will be willing to consume the solution being sold.
November 27, 2014
If you are a parent to a girl of any age this is one of the best books I have ever read. My daughter is 9 nearly 10 and beginning to face the power of peer pressure to be whatever society means by being a girl which to my insinct has always been too much too young. Biddulph sees exactly the same trend and he renewed my hope in this book that I can raise a strong young woman who knows her own mind and does not believe what the media say she should be.
The book is divided into three parts
The first covers the five stages of girlhood: an overview, birth-2 years, 2-5 years, 5-10 years, 10-14 years and 14-18 years. In each chapter he covers the physcial, psychological and developmental changes a girl is undergoing at these ages and the challenges they face. And for girls it is social challenges that are of the most vital importance. It doesn't matter if, like me, you are coming in at some point along the spectrum, I found it useful to read the earlier chapters and understand what challenges my girl had already faced.
Part two is about risk areas and how to help girls navigate them: sexualisation at too early an age, bullying, body image and food, drugs including alcohol, and online risks. Biddulph lays out the risk in a clear concise way and empowers parents to address them.
Part three is about girls and their parents, taking a clear eyed look at the nature of a girl's relationship with her mother and father and what we can do as parents in these roles.
Just brilliant, one of the few library books that I will be buying and reading over and over again.
The book is divided into three parts
The first covers the five stages of girlhood: an overview, birth-2 years, 2-5 years, 5-10 years, 10-14 years and 14-18 years. In each chapter he covers the physcial, psychological and developmental changes a girl is undergoing at these ages and the challenges they face. And for girls it is social challenges that are of the most vital importance. It doesn't matter if, like me, you are coming in at some point along the spectrum, I found it useful to read the earlier chapters and understand what challenges my girl had already faced.
Part two is about risk areas and how to help girls navigate them: sexualisation at too early an age, bullying, body image and food, drugs including alcohol, and online risks. Biddulph lays out the risk in a clear concise way and empowers parents to address them.
Part three is about girls and their parents, taking a clear eyed look at the nature of a girl's relationship with her mother and father and what we can do as parents in these roles.
Just brilliant, one of the few library books that I will be buying and reading over and over again.
July 20, 2013
I just didn't feel it with this book. It's nice enough but this comment at the end of chapter 12 along the lines of 'how great would it be for your daughter to turn around and say I am what a am because of my mother' turned my stomach. It's not that I don't love my mum or hope that my daughters continue to love and respect me but I want them to become their own natural selves and value their own efforts at achieving that. I felt the book was a bit shallow really especially when compared to what I usually read. Shame as I'm sure he's a lovely guy.
September 17, 2014
Seriously?? This guy has a daughter and he wrote this crock of s**t??
Oh, and apparently, I am supposed to have a weekend away, once a year, with my just me and my daughter. So is their Father, just him and his daughter. Yea well Biddulph you only have one!!!! I have three!!!! Figure that with everything that has to be fitted in on the weekends GAWD!
What about weekends away together as a family?
Not a scrap of help, and the two cliched stories at the beginning of the book just got my hackles up straight away. Like a bad YA novel heroine!
Oh, and apparently, I am supposed to have a weekend away, once a year, with my just me and my daughter. So is their Father, just him and his daughter. Yea well Biddulph you only have one!!!! I have three!!!! Figure that with everything that has to be fitted in on the weekends GAWD!
What about weekends away together as a family?
Not a scrap of help, and the two cliched stories at the beginning of the book just got my hackles up straight away. Like a bad YA novel heroine!
November 25, 2019
Whether or not you believe different techniques are necessary for parenting boys and girls, Aussie psychologist Steve Biddulph has made a career of it.
Following on from his million-selling guide Raising Boys, he’s now turned his attention to daughters. Raising Girls sets out its stall convincingly, blaming marketing and the media for creating a set of pressures specific to girls, that they pick up on increasingly early.
‘Everywhere she looks, today’s young girl sees messages that make her feel she is not good enough, that imprison her in cramped and narrow ideas of how she is supposed to look, think and act. Never before has girlhood been under such a sustained assault, ranging through everything from diet ads, alcohol marketing, fashion pressures, to the inroads of hard pornography into teenage bedrooms.’
Recent research supports the idea that girls are struggling. There are increasing levels of unhappiness among children in general, but girls especially[1]. A Department of Education study last year found that more than one in three teenage girls suffers from anxiety or depression, a rise of 10% in 10 years[2].
So kudos to Biddulph for recognising and attempting to address the issue. And many online reviewers seem to have gained plenty of insights from the book. However, if you’re reading this blog and already have some interest in the issues facing girls, it’s unlikely you’ll find much that’s new to you. So, while it can be reassuring to have your beliefs and techniques generally confirmed by the author, the lack of practical advice can be frustrating. Most of what’s covered in the book is pretty commonsensible. It’s better as a beginner’s guide, rather than a resource for a specific worry.
Biddulph is idealistic and enthusiastic, but also didactic and unrealistic. Although easy to read, the tone can grate. He can fall into a kind of authoritative spirituality – generally to mask the complete lack of acceptable science in his claims. In some places the casual extrapolations presented as hard fact are SO lacking in fundamental science it’s terrifying to think people might actually believe it. For instance, when discussing a newborn baby’s need for love and security, Biddulph mentions the various hormones released by the mother’s body around birth:
‘At birth, if it’s a relaxed environment and we feel safe, it floods into us … People who did not get enough love, and therefore enough oxytocin, often can be found seeking that satisfaction in other ways – through fame, doing drugs, compulsive sex, shopping, stuffing our face with unhealthy food…’
I mean, WTF?? The assumptions made here without the slightest nod to science are astounding. And that’s quite apart from the casual subtext that, if you didn’t manage a birth flooded with calm, candlelight and whale music, then your child is likely to turn out a sex-crazed junkie pie-eater*. It’s just one instance of the guilt laden on mothers throughout the book.
But let’s give our Steve the benefit of the doubt, because I do believe his heart’s in the right place. Our daughters need our support in the face of society and the media’s various diktats and conflicting messages.
‘Our daughters should, after 40 years of feminism, feel free to choose, to be themselves … Being evaluated in terms of how pleasing you are to others, how you rate as a “product” has taken girls back 50 years.’
Amen to that.
[1] https://www.childrenssociety.org.uk/t...
[2] https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/te...
* If I hear one more man issue a doctrine on how childbirth ‘should’ be, I’ll find a way to make it happen for him.
Following on from his million-selling guide Raising Boys, he’s now turned his attention to daughters. Raising Girls sets out its stall convincingly, blaming marketing and the media for creating a set of pressures specific to girls, that they pick up on increasingly early.
‘Everywhere she looks, today’s young girl sees messages that make her feel she is not good enough, that imprison her in cramped and narrow ideas of how she is supposed to look, think and act. Never before has girlhood been under such a sustained assault, ranging through everything from diet ads, alcohol marketing, fashion pressures, to the inroads of hard pornography into teenage bedrooms.’
Recent research supports the idea that girls are struggling. There are increasing levels of unhappiness among children in general, but girls especially[1]. A Department of Education study last year found that more than one in three teenage girls suffers from anxiety or depression, a rise of 10% in 10 years[2].
So kudos to Biddulph for recognising and attempting to address the issue. And many online reviewers seem to have gained plenty of insights from the book. However, if you’re reading this blog and already have some interest in the issues facing girls, it’s unlikely you’ll find much that’s new to you. So, while it can be reassuring to have your beliefs and techniques generally confirmed by the author, the lack of practical advice can be frustrating. Most of what’s covered in the book is pretty commonsensible. It’s better as a beginner’s guide, rather than a resource for a specific worry.
Biddulph is idealistic and enthusiastic, but also didactic and unrealistic. Although easy to read, the tone can grate. He can fall into a kind of authoritative spirituality – generally to mask the complete lack of acceptable science in his claims. In some places the casual extrapolations presented as hard fact are SO lacking in fundamental science it’s terrifying to think people might actually believe it. For instance, when discussing a newborn baby’s need for love and security, Biddulph mentions the various hormones released by the mother’s body around birth:
‘At birth, if it’s a relaxed environment and we feel safe, it floods into us … People who did not get enough love, and therefore enough oxytocin, often can be found seeking that satisfaction in other ways – through fame, doing drugs, compulsive sex, shopping, stuffing our face with unhealthy food…’
I mean, WTF?? The assumptions made here without the slightest nod to science are astounding. And that’s quite apart from the casual subtext that, if you didn’t manage a birth flooded with calm, candlelight and whale music, then your child is likely to turn out a sex-crazed junkie pie-eater*. It’s just one instance of the guilt laden on mothers throughout the book.
But let’s give our Steve the benefit of the doubt, because I do believe his heart’s in the right place. Our daughters need our support in the face of society and the media’s various diktats and conflicting messages.
‘Our daughters should, after 40 years of feminism, feel free to choose, to be themselves … Being evaluated in terms of how pleasing you are to others, how you rate as a “product” has taken girls back 50 years.’
Amen to that.
[1] https://www.childrenssociety.org.uk/t...
[2] https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/te...
* If I hear one more man issue a doctrine on how childbirth ‘should’ be, I’ll find a way to make it happen for him.
January 27, 2014
Не е някаква забележителна книга с невиждани до сега откровения. Няма написани лесни стъпки, като за Dummies: прави едно, прави две, после три и резултатът е гарантиран. В крайна сметка децата не са перална машина. Дори да не казва нищо ново, все пак е полезна с напомнянето на основните неща, на които родителите трябва да обръщат внимание. А има и няколко неща, които ми допадат и ме развълнуваха.
Първото е да помогнем на децата си да открият "искрата" си. Това е онова нещо, което ги кара да се чустват добре, щастливи, удовлетворени и в хармония със себе си. Това може да е талант (пеене, рисуване, танц, спорт), черта на характера (съпричастност, смелост) или посвещаване на идеал (опазване на природата, социално равенство).
Второто нещо, което харесах, е подробното описание на вредата от телевизията. Защо не бива да позволяваме на момичетата да попадат под въздествието на медиите, и най-вече на телевизията. Това мнение на Бидълф напълно съответства на моя мироглед, затова го прегръщам толкова горещо. Не бива да позволяваме на медиите да втълпяват на децата ни, че са грозни, дебели, с проблеми във връзките само за да бъдат потребители на стоки, от които нямат нужда. Не бива да позволяваме сексът, насилието и консуматорската мания да влязат в домовете ни посредством "семейните" сериали, риалити програмите и най-вече чрез рекламите.
Другото хубаво нещо е засягането на проблема с тормоза, който се случва на момичетата - в училище, на улицата, онлайн. И методите, с които да му се противопоставят - да се научат да излъчват сила и увереност. И то не само когато те са тормозени, а и когато стават свидетели на такъв спрямо някой по-слаб. Момичетата трябва да се научат да вярват, че имат право да са в безопасност, да дефинират ясно и на глас чуствата си - "Това е тормоз и аз няма да го търпя". Ако сами не успеят да прекратят агресивното поведение, да търсят помощ от учител, родител или друг възрастен. Прекратяването на тормоза изисква промяна в трите групи участници в него - тормозеният, тормозителят и наблюдателите.
Авторът е обърнал внимание и на друг сериозен проблем - хранителните разстройства при момичетата. Отново сериозна част от формирането на този проблем са медиите и образите, които насаждат в главите ни.
Трудно четох тази книга. Не защото е лошо написана, глупава, скучна. Точно обратното. Четох я трудно, защото проблемите, които се разглеждат вътре ме натъжават и ядосват. Основното най-дразнещо нещо е тоталната манипулация, на която са подложени децата ни с една единствена цел - да купуват! Компаниите са готови на всичко само и само да продадат продуктите си. Няма морал, няма скрупули, няма валидна ценностна система, щом става въпрос за увеличение на продажбите. Оказва се, че сме безсилни да се борим с това. Разбира се, има какво да направим като родители, но не можем да заведем дъщерите си в гората и да ги отглеждаме так, за да ги изолираме от медийното безумие. Даже да нямаме телевизор, отровата ще намери начин да се промъкне.
Лекарството, което предлага Бидълф е едно - да обичаме децата си, да не ги неглижираме, да им обръщаме внимание като ги изслушваме и се стараем да ги разбираме. Също така да не забравяме и контролът - как си прекарват времето, с кого, какво разглеждат в интернет. Децата са преследвани с цел да им се продават разни неща и наша задача като родители е да ги защитим на първо място и след това да ги подготвим за живота.
Първото е да помогнем на децата си да открият "искрата" си. Това е онова нещо, което ги кара да се чустват добре, щастливи, удовлетворени и в хармония със себе си. Това може да е талант (пеене, рисуване, танц, спорт), черта на характера (съпричастност, смелост) или посвещаване на идеал (опазване на природата, социално равенство).
Второто нещо, което харесах, е подробното описание на вредата от телевизията. Защо не бива да позволяваме на момичетата да попадат под въздествието на медиите, и най-вече на телевизията. Това мнение на Бидълф напълно съответства на моя мироглед, затова го прегръщам толкова горещо. Не бива да позволяваме на медиите да втълпяват на децата ни, че са грозни, дебели, с проблеми във връзките само за да бъдат потребители на стоки, от които нямат нужда. Не бива да позволяваме сексът, насилието и консуматорската мания да влязат в домовете ни посредством "семейните" сериали, риалити програмите и най-вече чрез рекламите.
Другото хубаво нещо е засягането на проблема с тормоза, който се случва на момичетата - в училище, на улицата, онлайн. И методите, с които да му се противопоставят - да се научат да излъчват сила и увереност. И то не само когато те са тормозени, а и когато стават свидетели на такъв спрямо някой по-слаб. Момичетата трябва да се научат да вярват, че имат право да са в безопасност, да дефинират ясно и на глас чуствата си - "Това е тормоз и аз няма да го търпя". Ако сами не успеят да прекратят агресивното поведение, да търсят помощ от учител, родител или друг възрастен. Прекратяването на тормоза изисква промяна в трите групи участници в него - тормозеният, тормозителят и наблюдателите.
Авторът е обърнал внимание и на друг сериозен проблем - хранителните разстройства при момичетата. Отново сериозна част от формирането на този проблем са медиите и образите, които насаждат в главите ни.
Трудно четох тази книга. Не защото е лошо написана, глупава, скучна. Точно обратното. Четох я трудно, защото проблемите, които се разглеждат вътре ме натъжават и ядосват. Основното най-дразнещо нещо е тоталната манипулация, на която са подложени децата ни с една единствена цел - да купуват! Компаниите са готови на всичко само и само да продадат продуктите си. Няма морал, няма скрупули, няма валидна ценностна система, щом става въпрос за увеличение на продажбите. Оказва се, че сме безсилни да се борим с това. Разбира се, има какво да направим като родители, но не можем да заведем дъщерите си в гората и да ги отглеждаме так, за да ги изолираме от медийното безумие. Даже да нямаме телевизор, отровата ще намери начин да се промъкне.
Лекарството, което предлага Бидълф е едно - да обичаме децата си, да не ги неглижираме, да им обръщаме внимание като ги изслушваме и се стараем да ги разбираме. Също така да не забравяме и контролът - как си прекарват времето, с кого, какво разглеждат в интернет. Децата са преследвани с цел да им се продават разни неща и наша задача като родители е да ги защитим на първо място и след това да ги подготвим за живота.
December 12, 2020
This was okay. Do I walk away with more understanding of what my 14-year-old is going through and needs from me as her mum? Not really.
I find that reading parenting books, particularly for the teenage years, are hit or miss. They tend to focus less on how to parent a teenager and support them through these tough years effectively and more on highlighting the awful things that can happen to them.
I think what most parents of teenagers need help with (well I do) is how to communicate with them when they don’t want to and how to guide and support them so they can actually make it out the other end decent and kind human beings not egotistical arseholes.
Also if you blinked you’d miss the teeny section on raising LGBTQI+ teenagers which completely alienated me as a mum of an gay child. Steve Biddulph, if you’re going to write any more of these books, please include more meaningful insight for parents of these kids and not just include it as a way to “tick a box”. What about confusion and distress regarding gender identity? Not all daughters identify as lesbians, Steve!
If you’re reading this review and are looking for a better book which actually gives actual “how-to” advice, read “Beyond Mama Bear: How to Survive the Balancing Act of Parenting Teenagers” by Lisa Lane Filholm. One of the best I’ve read.
I find that reading parenting books, particularly for the teenage years, are hit or miss. They tend to focus less on how to parent a teenager and support them through these tough years effectively and more on highlighting the awful things that can happen to them.
I think what most parents of teenagers need help with (well I do) is how to communicate with them when they don’t want to and how to guide and support them so they can actually make it out the other end decent and kind human beings not egotistical arseholes.
Also if you blinked you’d miss the teeny section on raising LGBTQI+ teenagers which completely alienated me as a mum of an gay child. Steve Biddulph, if you’re going to write any more of these books, please include more meaningful insight for parents of these kids and not just include it as a way to “tick a box”. What about confusion and distress regarding gender identity? Not all daughters identify as lesbians, Steve!
If you’re reading this review and are looking for a better book which actually gives actual “how-to” advice, read “Beyond Mama Bear: How to Survive the Balancing Act of Parenting Teenagers” by Lisa Lane Filholm. One of the best I’ve read.
June 13, 2013
I am surprised it has taken me so long to read this book, given that I have enjoyed the education that has come with being a parent. This author fits wholly within my own personal parenting style and philosophies.
June 13, 2017
Interesting. But didn't tell you what to do, other than surface level things like, "Be a friendship role model" and his advice to Dads is to "Be clean, smell good and dress well around her". I'd recommend "Liberated Parents, Liberated Kids: Your Guide to a Happy Family" instead.
April 13, 2013
Not happy. Maybe I expected too much? Felt like I was just reading my science and health book back in primary.
March 8, 2013
Maybe it's just me, but I felt that this was a few nuggets of sensible advice padded out to book length. The basic points are smart enough, though.
July 15, 2020
Količina opštemesne mudrosti nije dovoljna da bih izdržao malogradjansku histeriju u koju autor zapadne u drugom delu knjige.
March 5, 2017
It's a rare occasion that I find myself roaming around the non-fiction section of my local library - I'm definitely more of a fiction reader. But a few weeks back, I was looking for something a bit different to read - something which would expand my knowledge of ... something.
When I saw this book on the shelf, it jumped out at me (well not literally - books don't just jump off shelves, you know that, right?). As you know, it's called Raising Girls and seeing as I have three of them, I thought it might be worth a read.
Unfortunately, I found its tone at the start off-putting. It was overly familiar - like when a person you hardly know assumes you have the same opinions and attempts to create an in-joke. And perhaps my first impression clouded my opinion from then on, but I felt like it started from quite a negative standpoint (all the things which can go wrong, or which parents do wrong), with positive spins (this is how you can get it right). Instead of making me reflect on what I've done right so far and looking forward to developing relationships with my daughters as they grow, I started making myself feel guilty about little bits and pieces I had done "wrong" and became terrified of what my daughters will face as teenagers.
There were some pieces of advice which were great, noble ideas but completely impractical. At one place in the book, it was suggested that mother and daughter have a weekend away once per year, just the two of them. At another point in the book, it was suggested that father and daughter have a weekend away once per year, just the two of them. By my calculations, with three daughters and two parents, my family would be up for six weekends away without us getting a chance to all spend the weekend away together - I don't think so.
Negatives out of the way - overall the book contained good insight into raising daughters, particularly for me, as a window to the future regarding the stages we haven't reached yet. The book splits girlhood into five stages of development. Each stage asks a "big" question and works towards an outcome. Some things are intuitive; others aren't. It was a good book to open my eyes to what's out there and make me think about what each of my girls is going through at their unique stage in life right now, as well as into the future
When I saw this book on the shelf, it jumped out at me (well not literally - books don't just jump off shelves, you know that, right?). As you know, it's called Raising Girls and seeing as I have three of them, I thought it might be worth a read.
Unfortunately, I found its tone at the start off-putting. It was overly familiar - like when a person you hardly know assumes you have the same opinions and attempts to create an in-joke. And perhaps my first impression clouded my opinion from then on, but I felt like it started from quite a negative standpoint (all the things which can go wrong, or which parents do wrong), with positive spins (this is how you can get it right). Instead of making me reflect on what I've done right so far and looking forward to developing relationships with my daughters as they grow, I started making myself feel guilty about little bits and pieces I had done "wrong" and became terrified of what my daughters will face as teenagers.
There were some pieces of advice which were great, noble ideas but completely impractical. At one place in the book, it was suggested that mother and daughter have a weekend away once per year, just the two of them. At another point in the book, it was suggested that father and daughter have a weekend away once per year, just the two of them. By my calculations, with three daughters and two parents, my family would be up for six weekends away without us getting a chance to all spend the weekend away together - I don't think so.
Negatives out of the way - overall the book contained good insight into raising daughters, particularly for me, as a window to the future regarding the stages we haven't reached yet. The book splits girlhood into five stages of development. Each stage asks a "big" question and works towards an outcome. Some things are intuitive; others aren't. It was a good book to open my eyes to what's out there and make me think about what each of my girls is going through at their unique stage in life right now, as well as into the future
April 7, 2024
Informative, covering lots of challenges and issues facing girls and their families- as well as society. It highlights the essential need for good, continuous communication built on healthy relationships, wisdom and good boundaries. Much consistent love and dedicated and intentional time is required for strong relational building blocks - also modelling grace, acknowledging mistakes and asking forgiveness when things don’t go as we’d hoped. Thank you!
March 31, 2021
Captures reaffirming parenting advice not too far away from one's intuition.
April 26, 2021
Some interesting stuff, but marred by a hysterical tone at times. Also, I feel that Mr Biddulph has a very specific ideal of what a child should be like and sticks too rigidly to that.
May 21, 2023
A good first step
December 31, 2023
Some really helpful information on key issues that girls and young women face, including social media, body image, and relationships. The first half of the book felt a little arbitrary and anecdotal for my liking, especially without reference to any literature within the text. You just have to take the author's word for most of his ideas until you get to the author's notes at the back of the book.
I would recommend reading the book and having it on hand for reference and discussion for those who are raising girls. There is helpful food for thought here.
I would recommend reading the book and having it on hand for reference and discussion for those who are raising girls. There is helpful food for thought here.
October 20, 2015
—BUS RIDING BOOKS—
‘Raising girls’ by Steve Biddulph
Here is my review of the book…
This is a 5-star book, fascinating and full of insights on the journey from girlhood to being a woman. It rather scarily taught me all the stages that my daughter is going to go through as she develops, and I will hopefully develop as a dad in lockstep!
The part I liked the most is the one about finding one's ‘spark’ in life, a spark being what defines you as a person, the best answer you can give when asked "what do you do?" Steve Biddulph goes even further by writing: ‘There is a place where our own deepest needs - what we really love to do - intersect with the needs of the world we live in. When we find that place, it's all pure joy’.
As I read this section about sparks, I thought of my discussion with French president Francois Hollande last November. It was at the Sydney Opera House and after an initial little chit chat, of course he asked me ‘what do you do?’ and guess what? Well, I said I was a banker and he went off to speak with someone else like a shot.
I'm still mad at how foolish I was. My spark is and has always been writing; this is me, my soul, who I am and I should have stood up to it. Luckily, I had a second chance later on that night... I met French Foreign Affairs Laurent Fabius and of course he asked me ‘what do you do?’ and guess what? Well, I said ‘I'm writing’, felt so much better and had an interesting discussion about my spark with Fabius! All this to say that I’m determined to help my daughter not only find all the sparks she has in her, but also to stand up to them no matter what.
In conclusion: this book is a must read for soon to be parents, parents or people not so sure about parenthood altogether. But beware, there is one story that this book doesn't tell. It's the one about discovering the happiness to become a dad, to be loved like a dad and to love a baby daughter and her chunky cheeks like a dad. This, only experience can teach, and let me tell you one thing: it's way beyond 5 stars...
O.V.
‘Raising girls’ by Steve Biddulph
Here is my review of the book…
This is a 5-star book, fascinating and full of insights on the journey from girlhood to being a woman. It rather scarily taught me all the stages that my daughter is going to go through as she develops, and I will hopefully develop as a dad in lockstep!
The part I liked the most is the one about finding one's ‘spark’ in life, a spark being what defines you as a person, the best answer you can give when asked "what do you do?" Steve Biddulph goes even further by writing: ‘There is a place where our own deepest needs - what we really love to do - intersect with the needs of the world we live in. When we find that place, it's all pure joy’.
As I read this section about sparks, I thought of my discussion with French president Francois Hollande last November. It was at the Sydney Opera House and after an initial little chit chat, of course he asked me ‘what do you do?’ and guess what? Well, I said I was a banker and he went off to speak with someone else like a shot.
I'm still mad at how foolish I was. My spark is and has always been writing; this is me, my soul, who I am and I should have stood up to it. Luckily, I had a second chance later on that night... I met French Foreign Affairs Laurent Fabius and of course he asked me ‘what do you do?’ and guess what? Well, I said ‘I'm writing’, felt so much better and had an interesting discussion about my spark with Fabius! All this to say that I’m determined to help my daughter not only find all the sparks she has in her, but also to stand up to them no matter what.
In conclusion: this book is a must read for soon to be parents, parents or people not so sure about parenthood altogether. But beware, there is one story that this book doesn't tell. It's the one about discovering the happiness to become a dad, to be loved like a dad and to love a baby daughter and her chunky cheeks like a dad. This, only experience can teach, and let me tell you one thing: it's way beyond 5 stars...
O.V.
June 28, 2019
I agree with a few other reviewers that this book rubs off the wrong way. While It has some good points to dwell on and think about putting to use, it comes off as its trying to tell yiu the way YOU should parent. It is not only riddled with soelling mistskes (you need a new editor mate), but it comes from a perspective of a mother. As a soon to be father of a girl, I dont inderstand why this perspective of a dad is hardly included and yet it goes on about why you should make your daughter be a feminist. I can assure you I will not be pointing my daughter in that direction unless she wants to. And then he trys to tell you to envision her in her 20s rolling up in an electric car with her friendly boy friend etc. Bit of a croc to include that if you ask me. It is almost a political how to book with his opinion thrown in the mix.
All in all there are definitely some good points to take away from the book but it comes off as fear mongering about the bad things that can happen to her if you don’t do this and don’t do that. I can’t take it seriously with the amount of spelling and grammatical errors in my version of the book.
If you are reading it you are probably going to be a good parent either way.
That’s my 5 cents!
All in all there are definitely some good points to take away from the book but it comes off as fear mongering about the bad things that can happen to her if you don’t do this and don’t do that. I can’t take it seriously with the amount of spelling and grammatical errors in my version of the book.
If you are reading it you are probably going to be a good parent either way.
That’s my 5 cents!
July 24, 2017
I have been very concerned lately about the future of our girls. We have spent hundreds of years fighting for our freedom and to be treated equally and not just one dimensional beings. This "Kardashian", highly online generation seems to be taking a step back. Dumbing down our daughters, looking externally for their value, dressing and acting in ways that are over-sexualised. This book addresses this topic beautifully.
This book is so simple, so full of common sense yet is a foolproof guide to not only raising a strong, happy daughter but really understanding yourself.
I agree with literally everything he says and practise what he preaches. So far my 5 year old is doing great, but I will be using this book for reference for the rest of her childhood to keep us on track.
It's not just about having a problem free child, but this book brought tears to my eyes many times with the simple ways we can have fulfilling, delightful relationships with our children. I couldn't recommend more highly, I feel uplifted after reading this.
This book is so simple, so full of common sense yet is a foolproof guide to not only raising a strong, happy daughter but really understanding yourself.
I agree with literally everything he says and practise what he preaches. So far my 5 year old is doing great, but I will be using this book for reference for the rest of her childhood to keep us on track.
It's not just about having a problem free child, but this book brought tears to my eyes many times with the simple ways we can have fulfilling, delightful relationships with our children. I couldn't recommend more highly, I feel uplifted after reading this.
December 14, 2016
Мне понравилась мысль: "Цель воспитания - не заставить детей слушаться. Цель заключается в том, чтобы в ваше отсутствие они смогли опереться на свои внутренние силы и принять верное решение."
Очень хорошая и правильная книга про воспитание девочек. Автор рассказывает о пяти возрастных периодах в жизни девочки и подробно останавливается на целях, возможностях, методах воспитания в каждом их них.
Также в книге есть главы о сложностях, которые могут возникнуть в жизни девочки и то, как ей могут помочь родители (сложности с друзьями, "плохая" компания, наркомания и алкоголизм, нетрадиционная сексуальная ориентация, неуверенность в своей внешности и тп) .
Возможно, книжка немного общего характера. Но в целом задает стратегическое понимание того,как нужно поступать в различных случаях и почему дочки могут вести себя так или иначе.
С удовольствием прочитала и сделала для себя несколько важных выводов.
Очень хорошая и правильная книга про воспитание девочек. Автор рассказывает о пяти возрастных периодах в жизни девочки и подробно останавливается на целях, возможностях, методах воспитания в каждом их них.
Также в книге есть главы о сложностях, которые могут возникнуть в жизни девочки и то, как ей могут помочь родители (сложности с друзьями, "плохая" компания, наркомания и алкоголизм, нетрадиционная сексуальная ориентация, неуверенность в своей внешности и тп) .
Возможно, книжка немного общего характера. Но в целом задает стратегическое понимание того,как нужно поступать в различных случаях и почему дочки могут вести себя так или иначе.
С удовольствием прочитала и сделала для себя несколько важных выводов.
November 4, 2013
Да, писана е от мъж;
Да, става дума за отглеждането на момичета;
Да, едва ли който и да е мъж знае тайните на "да бъдеш жена"
... ама е страхотно подредена и отговаря на моите въпроси и тревоги!
Бих препоръчал книгата не само на татковци и майки - тя е подходяща и за чичовци, големи сестри, лели, баби.... Ха! Няма да спирам тук, защото книгата не е само за отглеждане на малки момиченца - бих я препоръчал на млади жени, които искат да научат повече за себе си. И освен това е подходяща за мъже, които искат да разберат по-добре половинките си.
П.С. Жена ми започва да чете веднага след мен. Много ми е интересно дали ще имаме сходни впечатления.
Да, става дума за отглеждането на момичета;
Да, едва ли който и да е мъж знае тайните на "да бъдеш жена"
... ама е страхотно подредена и отговаря на моите въпроси и тревоги!
Бих препоръчал книгата не само на татковци и майки - тя е подходяща и за чичовци, големи сестри, лели, баби.... Ха! Няма да спирам тук, защото книгата не е само за отглеждане на малки момиченца - бих я препоръчал на млади жени, които искат да научат повече за себе си. И освен това е подходяща за мъже, които искат да разберат по-добре половинките си.
П.С. Жена ми започва да чете веднага след мен. Много ми е интересно дали ще имаме сходни впечатления.
May 9, 2020
An insightful book most of which is common sense in some aspects although there are aspects which are more helpful and despite best intentions can get lost or overlooked in the difficult job of raising children in general not just girls! A good guide for those without the knowledge and understanding of what’s right/wrong/expected and the layout is easy to follow in regards to stages of their development. Knowing how their brains etc are developing physically at each stage was insightful and good to know. Finished in a day and generally just gained more insight to the whys and wherefores of their development.
February 8, 2017
Easy reading but instructive book on the different phases of bring up girls by an author previously famous for a book on raising boys – key themes include: children growing up too early, and the need to reinstate an “aunties army” and the need to avoid stereotyped toys and unconscious attitudes (“look at that cute bunny Charlotte – he looks sad” as opposed to “look at those three bunnies Charlie, how can they get out of that field”). Thought provoking in many ways but also simplistic at times (surely in many times and cultures girls were already considered women at 14).
January 30, 2013
As soon as I knew Steve Biddulph had published this book, I was keen to get a copy, as I've enjoyed some of his other writings on parenting. As a mother of an almost 3 year old girl, I really enjoyed it. I've asked my husband to read it - and I"m sure we'll be re-reading parts of it over the many years of parenting we have ahead. I wish ALL parents of girls would read it and really think about some of the messages it contains.l
March 8, 2017
Reassuring, gentle and science backed
This book has been very reassuring, is pro-girl (feminist) and non-dictatorial whilst offering plenty of gentle parenting wisdom backed by scientific research.
This book has been very reassuring, is pro-girl (feminist) and non-dictatorial whilst offering plenty of gentle parenting wisdom backed by scientific research.
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