Sole Sisters: The Joys and Pains of Single Black Women

by Deborah Mathis

The news is not good for black women when it comes to finding a partner. Where not long ago there were roughly two married women to every single woman, those numbers have gradually reversed over the past few decades—now, more than 60 percent of black women have either never married or are divorced. These numbers are far greater than those of any other social group, and the trend shows no sign of reversing. Mathis brings the skills of an astute veteran journalist and the passions of an attentive and articulate storyteller to uncovering the truths in single black women’s lives today. Sole Sisters is certain to ignite public debate on how and why so many black women remain single and spark discussion as to what semi-permanent singlehood means for so many.

230 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2004

Reviews

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sole Sisters was a case study of 130 black women regarding their current or previous relationships. Once upon a time, for every single girl there were 2 that were married. Now there is a disproportionate number of black women who are single compared to those who are married. Deborah Mathis looked at how relationships were "back in the day" to how they have evolved to present day. The author then complied her findings into different categories of women.

Here is a brief description to the categories:
Shrinker: She wants a man, but isn't really going to do much to get him. Unless the man comes to find her curled up on her sofa watching TV, she is shrinking away from going out to meet men.
Swingle: She comes in two categories. One isn't that picky about the man she sees. She likes to date around be he single or married, ugly or cute. The other is very picky and will only choose men who are in high demand (married or in a relationship). She isn't looking to settle down, but looking for a "good time Charlie". Someone to take her out and spoil her, maybe even make her toes curl.
Tickers: She longs to be married and have a family. She watches the calender and listens for that biological clock tick. She has a time frame for when she knows that it is time to give up the dream of having children
and a husband.
Freestyler: She doesn't give in to the notion that her man must be black. She is open to dating outside of her ethnic group. She is even open to dating a man who isn't of the same
socio-economic status or religion as she. Compromise is the key to this category.
Naw Naw: She doesn't need a man period, point blank. She has turned sour from her many failed relationships and has given up completely.
Coasters: She is optimistic about relationships. If it happens for her, cool. If not, she is still fine and will be content with her life.
Double Dipper: She is married, but only on paper. She and her spouse may make public appearances, but once home behind closed doors, they retreat to their separate lives and separate lovers. They stay together for convenience.
Flamekeeper: Her spouse or lover died and the thought of being with someone else feels too much like cheating. She holds on to the cherished memories and that is enough for her.
Knitters: She is in a long term relationship that looks like a marriage, but really doesn't care if they make it legal.
Tripper: She is a shame to the Sole Sisterhood. She still holds to the fairy tale of the Knight in shining armor and feels incomplete without a man. She will even stay with a man who is no good, just for the sake of having someone, and she will see potential in him that he lacks. No matter the circumstance she will stay with him waiting for him to change and love her as much as she loves him.

[CKE387 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book tries to explain the myriad of reasons for more black women being single. There's also a variety of the type of women who don't marry and why. Here's a few:
Freestylers: ones who take chances, flexible;
Tickers: ones who think time is running out on their dreams to be married;
Coasters: cool attitude "no need getting stressed about it.";
Double-dippers: married, act like single women;
Flamekeepers: widows, honoring a love that is gone but was good;
Trippers: hostage to a fantasy, waiting for the proverbial knight on the white horse; etc...
There's some good and bad; and the occasional reality check which gave some interesting insights changes to black societal expectations ("why aren't you married yet?") to court rituals (dating vs. hooking up/casual relationship). Who's considered marriage material or not and why. Stereotypes of black men and women and how to break through these misperceptions.

Summary from the last chapter "Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?":
"Getting Real, Getting Healed:
A man who is a friend, defender, confidante, partner, and lover...
A man who shows up, and calls, and contributes and assists when he says that he will.
A man who is only interested in us and makes life just a little bit sweeter when he's around
That's the dream that keeps us going."

[AngiJo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Basically the stories of various black women and the reasons they are single. The author creates categories of women which she expects expects the reader to place herself into. Her hopes are, perhaps, to communicate that black women stay single for a number of reasons and that the reader not alone in her journey for companionship. Reading this book is a way to pass the time but not much else.

[Lindor Joelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

So I'm on the fence regarding the rating that I should give this book. Basically this was the non-fiction/case study version of "Waiting to Exhale" In a few instances the author came across as shallow and kind of turned me off. I think I would have preferred to have had more of a balance between the "joys" and "pains" of single black womanhood discussed in the book. The "pains" by far outweighed the discussion of the "joys."

Overall I didn't really read anything that I didn't already know. There was just chat about different women and the types of relationships they had/have with men. It was an interesting read because I could relate to it, but I don't think I'd have a reason to recommend this one.

[Shà]

this was interesting and I enjoyed it.