Growing Yourself Up: How to Bring Your Best to All of Life's Relationships

by Jenny Brown

Relationships are part of life...

Growing Yourself Up looks at all of the relationships we may experience in our life time. From being a single young adult to marriage to having children to divorces to midlife crisis and old age.

To be human is to be in relationships. We can’t survive without them but at the same time it’s in our relationships that we so easily come unravelled. There are certain relationships that seem to just do us in. Either we feel like we lose ourselves or we feel burnt out from unsuccessful efforts to make things right for another. In our relationships we can experience the very best of ourselves and the very worst.

Most psychological approaches to building resilience focus on the individual — the individual mind, emotions and experiences. The message of Growing Yourself Up, however, is that you can’t separate understanding the individual from understanding relationships; they go hand in hand. All of life’s relationships are integral to increasing self-awareness and growing maturity — and it’s not necessarily the comfortable relationships that promote personal growth.

Drawing from Bowen family systems theory, this book takes you on a journey through each stage of life to see the predictable patterns of relationships and to show how to use this knowledge to make purposeful adjustments in yourself. The result, though certainly not a quick fix, is a sturdier self, sturdier relationships and a refreshing new way of viewing life’s challenges and opportunities.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Christian, Family, Personal Growth

248 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

Jenny Brown PhD is the author of the best-selling book Growing Yourself Up; that applies Murray Bowen’s family systems theory to life and relationships with a personal and accessible style .

Jenny is founder and director of The Family Systems Institute and the Family Systems Practice in Sydney, Australia, where she has a counselling practice and trains mental health professionals, clergy, family business consultants and “helping organisations”.

She has trained and earned academic awards at the University of Sydney and Columbia University New York. She has a PhD Social Science from the University of New South Wales. Her research focusses on parents and adolescents mental health.

Reviews

[Rohan · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Personal Responsibility, not Self-Promotion"

What a challenge! Rohan, do you love "being admired to bypass own insecurities"? Yes! So I have lots of growing up to do.

Big Idea: See the "big picture" of relationships, the dance everyone is involved in.
You can't control other people, you only control how you relate. So work on your reactions based on your solid principles.

A mature adult
- Uses brain to control emotions, doesn't exaggerate them.
- Works on principles
- Comfortably relates to people who disagree
- Responsible for self, not interfering with the responsibilities of others
- Stands up for values, even if unpopular
- Sees past the self to the bigger picture of reactions & counter reactions (the dance)

Two quotes I liked:
"Growing up requires tolerating discomfort without needing a relationship to take the tension away"
"It's all too easy to use relationships with others as a way of filling our maturity gaps"


(Interesting to note my first time around I gave it three stars, probably because 1. it was a library book so I couldn't underline anything. 2. I was too young and hadn't left home yet)
Jenny's main point is to develop your independent "self" and then connect with "others".
So instead of being influenced by others, you can stand on your own two feet. But also relating well with others. Helpful push to see the "big picture" when often we blame others too much.
But felt a bit light on at times.

[Sylvia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to understand and extremely insightful.
Taking accountability for yourself is the first step in moving forward and learning to break the cycle. It’s good to learn something new.

[Felicity · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really wonderful, insightful book. I’d recommend this to anyone and everyone. I don’t tend to be interested in ‘self-help’ or psychology books, but this one was recommended by my mum (who saw Brown speak at a Family Systems event) and about 20 other friends!
This book was clear, enjoyable, and really thought-provoking! So many ways to consider how to be more mature in all the different relationships you have in life, and what that maturity actually looks like. One of those books I hope to come back to at many points in life to remind myself of what it means to care about people well, to have a distinct and principled sense of self, and to love your family deeply through differences and difficulties.

[Lachie Macdonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Challenging, but so good.
Strongly recommend.

[Jeff Ke · Rating 5 out of 5]

"growing up requires tolerating discomfort without needing a relationship to take the tension away"

This reread has probably been the most fruitful one I've ever done. The first time I read this book 3 years ago, I remember thinking to myself: "this all makes sense. Maturing is easy." I now finish my second read a very humbled man...

At the crux of the book is a really simple principle: growing up looks like focusing on improving yourself and being able to manage your own emotions as you relate to others, not looking to others to rescue you. I really appreciated how there weren't too many complex psychological concepts other than this in the book; and Jenny Brown explores what that principle looks like in a variety of different relational contexts.

My only real criticism is that sometimes the writing can be a little vague so that it's hard to tease out clear applications. And a thought I was left wondering after my read is how this book would speak to a non-western culture.

[Carlos Tenorio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Es un libro que ayuda al lector no solamente a descubrir cuáles patrones aprendidos en su familia de origen siguen afectando su crecimiento y la dinámica relacional con su esposa, con sus hijos y con sus colegas en el trabajo.

La autora hace una serie de preguntas que ayudan al lector a evaluarse en su capacidad de ser él mismo y mantenerse en contacto con los demás a pesar de las diferencias en principios, valores, creencias y metas.

Además, este libro presenta muchos ejemplos personales y familiares con múltiples aplicaciones de la teoría de la individuación de Bowen que le podrían resultar muy útiles al lector que quiera desarrollar sus propios puntos de acción.

[Lucinda Mackintosh · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit simplistic at times, but overall compulsory reading for adulthood.

[Eliza Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Everyone should read.

[Rachel Croce · Rating 5 out of 5]

The beginning of this book felt difficult to digest. However, once Brown gets into the life-stages and ways in which we behave as over-functioners and under-functioners in relationship dynamics, I was taking notes like a mad woman! Her framework "emotional maturity" was a very helpful modernization on Bowen's Family System concept of Differentiation. She states that "There is never just an avoider or under responsible family member without a counterbalance of an overly helpful family member." I took this to mean that when one person in a marital/family system is stepping back to avoid their own discomfort in facing difficult challenges, tasks, or emotions, it is likely that the other is stepping in to function and face such things on behalf of that avoidant person. This does not equal mutuality in emotional responsibility. I see this often in marital dynamics and especially in parenting when adolescents are becoming adults and parents are struggling to step back and allow their child to experience negative emotions. It is out of our inability to tolerate discomfort that we step into dysfunction roles within our relationships and family systems. Overall, a great book with some very helpful questions to help readers become more emotionally mature people who are able to own their stuff (thoughts, feelings, perceptions, choices, and behaviors).

[Leinad · Rating 4 out of 5]

I took great pleasure, this year, in telling people that Mum had given me a book on how to grow up. It was actually a very helpful read, with plenty of sound wisdom for developing one’s personal maturity in order to relate in a healthy way to others. One of the things that stuck with me was that it’s important to stay connected, and not to distance oneself from those I find difficult to relate to—but it’s also important to remain a differentiated self, and not to try to live through someone else, or try to solve all of another person’s problems, or rely on someone else to solve all my problems.

[Lydia Rufus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book I've read on relationships. The main focus is on growing up inside - managing yourself and noticing how your actions affect others. Jenny is full of wisdom and acknowledges how hard relationships can be without plopping you into the victim seat. I will be reading this again and again.

[Demetrius Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tempted to give it 4-stars, but the appendices at the end put it over the top. On the whole, the book is exceedingly helpful, and worded and framed in such a way that anybody can pick up on the principles of Family Systems Theory. Highly recommended.

[Eleasa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't recommend this book highly enough as a general practitoner/family physician who specialises in mental health & counselling, for all ages, stages, genders, ethnicities, and walks of life. Extremely insightful & practical chapters drawing from Bowen's family systems theory, this book is one I'll be referring to again & again as a GP counsellor & friend who desires to counsel others well. Everyone should read this book!

[Timothy · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took super long for me to read this, but I think a slow pace is appropriate for this book. Really really helpful book. It challenged me and showed me how immature I am, but also showed me ways I can grow myself in relationships, not only for my own sake, but also for the benefit of others in my life. It won't be necessarily an easy book to read, but I can't recommend it highly enough to anyone.

[Marco · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book for the layperson on Bowen theory. The writing is very much unengaging so it was a bit of a chore to finish.

[Lisa Lewton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book to gain clarity about all our Relationships. These words challenge readers to pay attention to our own functioning instead of blaming or criticize others. Helpful for work and families. It is based on Bowen theory but very easy to relate. Well written with great honesty.

[Omar Taufik · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book could be considered a guide .. a life guide to maturity to growing up where this growth is not based on age, but on a life long inner process from the inner child to the inner adult.
Based on the Bowen Theory of family systems the reader is introduced to the concept that human relations are not based on individuals but on a vast network of reactions starting from our families of origin having roots over generations. Understanding this fact, the individual is responsible for his own reactions not the other members behaviour .. where there is no place for blame here and no urge to change the other .. but ourselves.
Having the above in mind, the author takes us through the various phases of life from childhood to facing death, highlighting the various maturity gaps we might face even at a very later age .. and at the same time focusing on the fact of ourself responsibility and the chain of behavior patterns around and before us as individuals. I believe some of the subjects in the various life cycle phases needed to be explored with more depth and detail.
Nevertheless this was a great book including it's very useful appendixes and well written epilogue at the end.
Would consider it a very good recommendation for readers of all ages and backgrounds, and a useful reference for myself in understanding the complicated network of human relations and our journey in life.

[Remah Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agree with Rachel’s comment on the beginning of the book being unclear. I think that Brown was unspecific in her description and justification of differentiating maturity from immaturity. The book does provide applicable insights and opportunities for self reflection that I found useful. I always wish that reading these self help books and exercise resulted in personal progress, but some qualitative improvements are immeasurable and take practice to affect change. I can see a lot of immaturity in myself and my avoidance of certain relationships. I also understand that being less reactive and focusing on what I am able to control or change (myself, not others) aligns with the time described recipe for improved maturity. In the end, Brown seems to express her own disappointment with society at large while falling short of remedial coaching for this concern. Overall, I think the book is helpful, but probably best read alongside other books on the topic.

[Shalyce · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though not the most riveting read, it did get better a few chapters in, it presents some very valuable ideas. I especially liked the emphasis it put on oneself to make needed changes, rather than blaming others and the idea that everyone has room to mature, no one is mature 100% of the time. I also liked her discussion of how rather than giving others solutions we should ask questions that help them come up with their own solutions. We shouldn’t always try to fix things for others, but rather support them in finding their own solutions and fixes.

I think this sums up much of the authors message:
“When we’re finding fault with others, we stop working on ourselves. Our growing gets stuck in the blame rut.”

[Holly Jamieson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Starting the year with a self help book is always a vibe.

But this one was highly recommended by friends and I have to say - definitely lived up to expectations.

Brown walks you through process of growing maturity in each stage of life. Her main point is that addressing our own immaturity in relationships alters the emotional environment and encourages change in everyone connected to you.

This book doesn’t promise to fix it all - I think that’s actually one of the things Brown wants you to get. That it’s not about using others as a crutch, but working through your problems individually, seeing your patterns of relating, and coming up with your own solutions.

This one fits into the slim category of self help books I would actually recommend

[Carla · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this for a leadership book discussion group with a bunch of pastors. It is not necessarily a religious book at all. But it is so helpful for anyone who struggles with their role in the system and how to change themselves. It is all about being a grown up in your relationships - not taking responsibility for more or less than our own actions. It's very helpful to think about all the aspects of this journey.

[Sage · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be full of practical advice. It’s about relationships and how we can do better, how we can mature. It’s possible to change just ourselves and still affect change in the relationship or/and patterns of behaviour. The triangle relationship was particularly interesting. I recognised it as it was talked about, I think most people would. I wasn’t aware though of how destructive they can be. A very helpful, insightful read.

[Cate · Rating 5 out of 5]

An exceptional look at how our system of relationships affect us, starting from our family of origin and progressing into our friendships, dating relationships, careers, marriage, parenthood, and all life interactions as a whole, based on Bowen theory. It’s not written like pop psych, but it’s an incredibly accessible look at how systems theory works in the real world. Highly recommend for anyone who has a relationship of any kind with any other human.

[Kristen Hamilton · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful read that is broadly applicable. Based on Bowen's family system theory, Jenny helpfully counsels ways that we can take responsibility for our maturity in human relationships. It refreshingly recognises that there are no quick fixes, and that taking responsibility for our own part in relationships is most helpful. Also had helpful principles on how to help others.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. One to go back to again & again.

[Claire Brem · Rating 5 out of 5]

My psychologist recommended me this book two years ago and I finally read it. Has improved my perception of boundaries and personal responsibility by leaps and bounds! I wish I read it sooner

[Jack Lang · Rating 3 out of 5]

In the days before a razor graced my chin,
I looked to my teacher and asked of him this question:
"What does it mean to grown up?"
And he answered me thus:
"To cook, to sweep, to clean, and to keep,
so boy shall be known as man,
that he sails life's storm by his own hand"

I know now that my teacher was but a boy, as was I. He possessed that admirable form of man but not the head to fill out his boots. I owe to Dr. Jenny Brown and her excellent book this understanding, and for that I am grateful.

However, though valuable, though instructional, it is limited in both these respects as a book of general consumption. For Dr. Brown has stayed her hand, likely out of that academic prejudice to secularism which so consumes those of the scientific community. She says it not, and so allow me to be frank. This is a book of Christianity.

This will seem a strange conclusion to most who have read the book, for faith is a brief stopping point across the pattern of teachings and narratives woven for the goal of achieving "maturity" ("differentiation" as described by BFST).
The thesis of this book is certainly to "maintain a sense of self while remaining connected to others", however this is understood in a premodern light and only as aesthetic. Truly, the principles and ethical underpinnings of Bowen Family Systems theory in its entirety are never addressed. While practical lessons are abundant, there is no true justification for why this form of maturity is good or ought to be followed. Ironically, the book which eagerly calls others to think deeply has given no deep thought to its ideological roots

However, while BFST as a theory is so lacking, it can be argued well such problems are beyond the scope of the book and its instructional value. This I would concede but one mite. From Christian roots has this theory sprouted, yet in its individualism and self-actualisation it has rejected that core tenet of Christ's teachings.
As a common tool is defined by its use, so too is man defined by his created purpose. The believer has been divinely actualised first, and separated from wife, child, father, and mother in the surpassing virtue of their deeper union to Christ.
Thus, the promise of "Growing Yourself Up" is disingenuous. Jenny Brown has not self-actualised as she advises you, the reader, to do, for she has been divinely actualised. Withdrawing this foundational truth from the book robs it of any true power in your life.

Yet the average reader looks not for true power, but merely empty pragmatism. In this regard, I assure you it will serve well. You will doubtless find it instrumental in sorting the many mistakes and troubles of relationships, as have I. I hope it may be of great value in your quest to grow up.

[Jacinta patterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life is about relationships, but we so often suck at them! I would reccomend this book to everyone because its worth investing some thought into how to do relationships better, to ask like an adult rather than a child. I think lots of us arrive at adulthood without feeling like an adult, but Brown helps us to at least learn how to behave like one. She writes and counsels from a Bowen Family Systems framework for understanding relationships, which basically means that she thinks your family of origin have a huge bearing on how you relate to people in relationships, and I think she's right! Our upbringings form us, but we don't have to be captive to the same patterns of relating that we experienced and still operate in. Jenny wants readers to develop principles that will guide how they live their lives so that we might all be differentiated adults. This is the key thesis of the book, that readers might have the ability to be a distinct self as well as be a part of close relationships. This is at the core of growing into genuinely mature adults. It means not going back to behaving like children when we get disappointed or let down but instead behaving out of our values not simply reacting. It means not blaming, gossiping and complaining. Not distancing ourselves but instead dealing with conflict.

This is the aim! But Brown is cognisant of the need for forgiveness in relationships as her faith helps her to acknowledge her weakness. While she is a Christian, this book is not, but you see its fruit on every page. The book is a good mix of theory and practise with helpful questions at the end of every chapter. I think it would be great to discuss with a friend. She covers life stages like moving out, being single, married, children, divorce, retirement, dying as well as suffering and helping others. All things worth thinking through how to do well. I reckon if more people read this book and worked hard on their own maturity (including me!) rather than blaming others, our society might have stronger families, workplaces and communities.

[Dorothy Nesbit · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the second edition of Jenny Brown's book as part of my exploration of Bowen family systems theory. I found it comprehensive and valuable. This is a book I would happily recommend to friends, family and coaching clients.

In line with Bowen theory and, indeed, with the title of the book, Brown provides very clear guidance on focusing on understanding our role in relationships and addressing our own patterns of behaviour.

The book is well structured. Brown begins the book by addressing three aspects of maturity in three early chapters; becoming a self in our relationships, "real" or "pretend" maturity, and understanding our family of origin. These chapters lay firm foundations for what follows. She then goes on to address the fundamentals of Bowen theory and explores how they apply at different phases of our lives using examples - which I found helpful - to illustrate her main points.

I almost wrote my review before reading the Appendices and am glad I waited. These provide a valuable set of summaries which can be explored and applied. There is also what Brown calls a learning project in Appendix 6, with activities and questions to reflect on as part of exploring our family of origin.

There was one aspect of Brown's book that didn't quite land with me. This was her mentions of her Christian faith towards the end of the book. It seemed important to her as author to speak of this but otherwise it didn't seem to find it's place within the text. If I'm honest, I think there's another book waiting to written on the subject of Bowen theory in faith contexts and I can see it would be valuable. It seemed a little out of place here.

[Nicholas Varady-szabo · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderfully insightful book!

Brown offers her take on relationships and psychological health informed by her exerience as a therapist, and through the lens of Bowen's Family System's Theory. She argues that we are heavily influenced by our family relationships and the emotional temperature of our family environment growing up, and our current problems are often a result of reacting to that. She encourages the reader to become emotionally mature by examining their childhood and patterns of relating to others, and connecting the dots through to current behaviours and throughts.

I found it very helpful to verbally process with Stacey as I read through this book, and feel I need to do more self examination in light of it, but am excited about that in light of the rails Brown has given me to run on.

HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone wanting greater self understanding.