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286 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2011

"His archive oppressed her. She needed a chronicle of her own, with her own opposite silly penchant for reality and memory and ordinary facts."
"...if I'm here for anything, it is for truth, for disclosure, for the full story, no matter how tacky that full story might make me seem."
"I'm interested in recall, exact recall, of what was said, who said it and to whom. I want to know the truth, undistorted by time and revision and wishes and regrets."
"It was a sham, a hoax, a put-on. This document was from Nik's Chronicles...This was a letter, written by her brother, in her style – or his conjured style of her – for his Chronicles. He did a rather fascinating and painful facsimile of Denise, a witty, brutal parody of her...He made fun of her memory skills..."
"’Self-curate or disappear,’ he would say when they were older and Denise began to mock him for his obsessive archiving."
"...She knew [the Chronicles were] never meant to be about the facts or actual life out in the world."


“Written words demand the deep attention that spoken words just aren’t entitled to. Writers get to pull something solid out of our relentless, everyday production of verbal mucilage. A writer is a word salvager and scavenger and distiller.”
“I have discovered how much memory can dissolve under pressure. The more I try to hold on to my ability to remember, the more it seems to escape my grasp.
I find this terrifying. I have become alarmed at my inability to recall basic facts of the past, and I have worked to improve things. I have been studying various techniques and even tricks, and I should employ them. Memory, it seems, clings to things. Named things. Spaces. Senses.”
“I believe I know that photos have actually destroyed our memories. Every time we take a photograph, we forget to embed things in our minds, in our actual brain cells. The taking of the photograph gets us off the hook, in a way, from trying to remember. I’ll take a photo so I can remember this moment. But what you are actually doing is leaving it out of your brain’s jurisdiction and relying on Polaroid’s, Kodak paper, little disintegrating squares glued in albums.”
“When I think of my family, I think that our history really lives in our bodies. The mind distorts and fails, but the body endures until it doesn’t, and up until that moment it held it all. I knew that when she died, it would be her body I would remember, her physical presence, and to recall any part of her body her smell, her hair would make me weep and grieve for her.”
“The Beslan School broke her open, but what purpose did it serve? What was a person supposed to do with all of this feeling? Feeling nothing was subhuman, but feeling everything, like this, in a dark room in the middle of the night, by yourself, did no one any good. Certainly not Denise, who held her head and wept, and watched two hours of breaking, beating new coverage. Of children and blood and chaos. Each possibility, not feeling or feeling, each response was inadequate.
The worst part would come tomorrow, when they repeated these images over and over; or the day after, when the world out there would move to the next thing, the next terrifying and electrifying and stupefying thing. Are we supposed to forget? If not forget, then what?”
I'm thinking about past events. I'm interested in recall, exact recall, of what was said, who said it and to whom. I want to know the truth, undistorted by time and revision and wishes and regrets.
Getting dizzy-high was just the beginning. Swing sets were his gateway drug. Nik had an intense appetite, a special extra need, and as he grew older he grew hungry for any and all alterations. I watched it; it was impossible not to miss his difference, how he craved anything that undid his equilibrium.
I felt the memory of my father on my body, the way you feel a breeze or the heat of the sun. He did not feel - and so was not - entirely lost to me. Inside, beyond my recall of events and dates and talk, there was this hot-wired memory of his body...your experiences, the hard felt ones, don't fade. They are written forever in your flesh, your nerves, your fingertips.