Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You

by Sue William Silverman

Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You destroys our complacency about who among us can commit unspeakable atrocities, who is subjected to them, and who can stop them. From age four to eighteen, Sue William Silverman was repeatedly sexually abused by her father, an influential government official and successful banker. Through her eyes, we see an outwardly normal family built on a foundation of horrifying secrets that long went unreported, undetected, and unconfessed.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Psychology, Abuse, True Crime, Biography, Crime

289 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1996

About the author

Sue William Silverman's new memoir-in-essays is HOW TO SURVIVE DEATH and OTHER INCONVENIENCES (University of Nebraska Press), and was listed as "1 of 9 essay collections feminists should read in 2020" by Bitch Media. Her previous memoirs are THE PAT BOONE FAN CLUB: MY LIFE AS A WHITE ANGLO-SAXON JEW (University of Nebraska Press); LOVE SICK: ONE WOMAN'S JOURNEY THROUGH SEXUAL ADDICTION (W.W. Norton), which also aired as a Lifetime Television original movie, and BECAUSE I REMEMBER TERROR, FATHER, I REMEMBER YOU (University of Georgia Press), which won the AWP award in creative nonfiction. Her craft book is FEARLESS CONFESSIONS: A WRITER'S GUIDE TO MEMOIR, and her poetry collections are IF THE GIRL NEVER LEARNS (Brick Mantel Books) and HIEROGLYPHICS IN NEON (Orchises Press). As a professional speaker she has appeared on "The View," "Anderson Cooper-360," "CNN-Headline News," the Montel Williams Show, and the Discovery Channel. She teaches in the MFA in Writing program at the Vermont College of Fine Arts.

Reviews

[Ellen Gail · Rating 5 out of 5]

Devastating and graphic. Undeniably well written and gripping, but sometimes Silverman writes so well it hurts.

[Sabrina Rutter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very emotionally powerful account of childhood sexual abuse. All of the feelings that Sue had so much trouble understanding are described so deeply and clearly that it makes your own heart ache.
While I'm glad that she also placed the blame on her mother for allowing this to happen to her as a child I'm still angry at the fact that Sue never had children. The fact that she was robbed of the desire to have a child of her own.
I believe all pedophiles should have to read this book to get a good look at the emotional damage they cause their victims. The way they mess up their victims lives before their lives have even really begun.

Thank you Jeannie for letting me barrow this :)

[Loveliest Evaris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm beginning to put myself in a niche of abuse memoirs. Isn't it simply fascinating that these are so popular and frequently made? I'm not saying that people shouldn't speak out with their story of survival from abuse, but it makes you wonder, "What the hell does society have to do to make sure this never starts in the first place?"

We have to wait decades until someone comes forward and says, "I've been abused". Then it's too little, too late to save them. Well, they can be "saved", but they're not innocent anymore. Their childhoods were taken from them--perhaps before they could comprehend a childhood.

This book reiterated that abuse can simply fuck a person up. A developing brain should not be abused. If you were going to abuse someone--let's pretend you had to pick someone--then make it an adult. IF they were raised right then I would assume they would have more...stable ground to hold their minds together instead of having it unravel without their knowing.

Continuing with this little thread of my personal thoughts, I just realized that Child Abuse > Domestic/Spousal Abuse. I'm sorry, but if you , a FLIPPING ADULT, can't get out of a dangerous situation when there are NO children involved to be used as blackmail or leverage against you, then I think you should try a little harder. Kids have absolutely none of those powers, since their parents' authority will intervene and whisk 'em away before they have the chance to speak out.

Anyway, Sue's father was ... ugh.

This book...it's so..different from other abuse memoirs I've read. Others I've read have a sort of ... detached air about them. The "emotions" are limited to what they felt at the time and simple inner thoughts that explain why they did this and this. Or thoughts concerning their abuser and bystanders and trying to figure out their ways of thinking, more often than not in order to try to get someone's attention or to avoid their abuser at all costs.

Sue William Silverman wrote this book in such a way that we were frequently able to actually feel her train of thought and mindset at certain times, whether it be her in the bathtub being molested by her father, her solace in her makeshift Christmas tree (her mother was Jewish and therefore against any celebration during the holidays), or her justification for her abuse ("I'm a slut" "I'm a whore" "I can make Daddy feel better with my body"). You actually read this book and follow the crooked line of thoughts that a child at that time, with that kind of abuse directed towards them, would think and feel.

So realistic. So...right. I didn't feel like I was "her" when reading this book, but I was farther in her child-self's psyche than would be deemed comfortable. It was almost like I was reading a recording of her train of thoughts that were recollected years later. Of course, train of thought isn't the most stable of prose, so this book is obviously set up in the recollection, retelling format that all like bios are composed.

And at the end when she found out that Her father was sexually abused by his mother and aunts I literally stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk---about 50 yards from the Lutheran Church property, mind you--and literally said, "Oh what the fuck?!" SERIOUSLY?! You expect me, ME, to have sympathy for you?! Just like Sue's psychiatrist said, "He was an adult at the time he started abusing you. and blah blah blah " which I take as equal to "Your father was a dickhead and an asshat and a goddamn child molester. Feeling sympathy for his shitty childhood is dumb as fuck." Though probably without that much venom.

And her older sister Kiki. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING?! Did you think that your father was just an overcontrolling, hot-tempered blowhard, and that's why you basically left the house every second of every day to play with your friends? What about your little sister? Would you REALLY leave a small child in a house with a volatile person like that! Seriously?! I can't believe that Sue still loves her sister, and from what I get, Kiki--grown up--still really doesn't give a shit about Sue. Great, Kiki. You're an utter bitch.

And the mother was a piece of work. A stereotypical, tightlaced, straight-backed, ignorant [of her daughter's abuse], cowardly, high-strung, two-faced ... Jewish woman. I could see the conservative roots within her.

She calls her daughter a slut, but then buys her adult clothing? Because she's a slut. But she needs to get a boyfriend because ...boys..but she's a slut.

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Around and around and around this paradoxical argument went when it came to Sue's mother. She told her at the age of 12 "Boys will get you pregnant." Who in the 50s got pregnant at age 12? UNLESS THEY WERE ABUSED?! Seriously, it was so stigmatized to have sex before marriage you might as well have the word "TRAMP" stamped on your forehead. Of course now that I type this all out, the mother probably had some inkling that it was the father, but it was kind of a shadow-gut feeling and not one that has enough weight to be an actual "premonition" one has.

But a person isn't going to be "born a slut". The archetype is obviously a learned behavior. And in such a crisp and pastel-colored time period that the 50s was, I doubt she'd get it from any old girlfriend of hers or a magazine placed eye-level in the supermarket.

Ugh...

So this book was really good. It made me angry that such a potentially gifted mind was dashed by incest and sexual abuse. She could even answer a simple question about the Boston Tea Party in class because she wasn't emotionally or mentally developed enough to think she could have an opinion. All of that independent thinking that develops in early childhood was completely swept off the table in favor of forcibly learning "How to please Daddy".

Another thing. Her split personalities were very well-written. Well, it wasn't like they were permanent, but it's like DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder), where the brain creates "characters" and compartmentalizes them and then whips them out to "take over" in order to protect the core self. Very interesting and at the same time disturbing stuff. Disturbing because it takes an immediate and prolonged threat of something harmful or frightening to evoke one of those "psyche guardians" to step in and shield the original personality from turning into jello.

I'm so surprised she didn't get pregnant at like, 11. SO DAMNED SURPRISED.

And since her father was famous I tried Googling him but got absolutely nothing. He was in a few photo-ops with Harry S. Truman, for God's sake, and I got NOTHING. Hm..



But this is a very competent memoir, one that feels very hopeless in a sense, though, because she still had sympathy and love for her parents --the bastards--until the very end. And her adult life wasn't functional in the slightest, but her opening up to her psychiatrist eventually helped her, which is a plus.

Hugs for all psychiatrists who help people like her overcome their traumatic childhoods and past abuse!




That hug does NOT extend to doctors who plant false memories of abuse in their patients' heads though. Seriously, fuck those people. Families are destroyed because of those wrong accusations!

http://www.couriermail.com.au/ipad/sh... < Here's an example of a story.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars, though this wouldn't be a memoir I would recommend to anyone lightly. Haunting, devastating, disturbing. Also, really hopeful and honest. The writing itself, the craft of the book, is great, like, some of the best writing I've read, and I'm looking forward to studying this in my MFA class this semester. I can see how the content of the book (abuse, incest, self-harm, violence, etc) could be/would be very triggering. I have some feelings about the ending chapters and Sue's presence in her parent's lives as they enter a nursing home and reach the end of their lives, so I would love to chat with someone about that... This was a book that gave me a deeper empathy for people in my family who I know have experienced sexual abuse when they were children and teens (and there are way too many of them). It gave me a better perspective of the complexity of what can happen mentally with the victim, especially in cases of recurring abuse. In the end, Silverman writes, "We are all the parents, the adults, we choose to be." We can choose to be gentle and to love in ways that aren't harmful or dangerous, regardless of how we were taught to love. (I mean, it may take lots of therapy and hard work to be able to "choose" that, but we can.)

[Meg Tuite · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely terrifying and fierce. Silverman doesn't hold back from any of the horror of her childhood and how she worked her way through to the other side! Unforgettable and powerful! LOVE!

[Vanessa Blakeslee · Rating 5 out of 5]

A sharply resonating read for anyone who has grown up in a family of narcissistic manipulation, pathological lying, and abuse -- how the victim's psychology is shaped (warped) as a result is captured dead-on, both eerily chilling and a strange comfort, if you are so unfortunate to have shared a similar childhood. Profound gratitude and admiration to Silverman for having the courage to write about this, for the web of control, power, and confusion that this kind of dysfunction weaves is notoriously difficult to convey. The abusive household exists as if behind its own Iron Curtain, and those who grow up in that prison don't know any differently -- the skewed thinking ingrained and often repeated by the victim throughout adulthood, unless the destructive pattern can be broken and new neural pathways forged. Hat's off to Silverman for this brazenly honest and lyrical memoir -- I'd long heard she was a master of the genre. Now I know why.

[Morgan Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

The power of knowledge and words… a deeply moving account of childhood sexual abuse and incest that I often had to remind myself was real as I read. Beautifully written, immensely powerful, and eye opening.

[Stefanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Fascinating, horrifying, but not well written. I can't get over her suggestion that her father abused her because her mother wasn't having sex with him.

[Cathy · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author was very courageous in writing this book, but I just did not like it. The content was hard to read and I did not care for the writing style.

[Siv30 · Rating 3 out of 5]

לסקירה מפורטת בעברית, קישור לבלוג שלי -

https://sivi-the-avid-reader.com/beca...

[Sue · Rating 1 out of 5]

Was it necessary to write in such a jumbled manner to appear credible? I think not. Written from the point of view of a four-year-old. ugh

[The Lady Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Trigger warnings: SA, in---t, s---ide, animal death)




Wow. This subject matter (incest, sexual abuse, self-harm) is some of the worst that exists. Yet this book was so beautifully written, and so fully encompasses the complexity and duality of having an abusive parent, that I absolutely couldn't put it down. What a masterful work. I think anyone who had a challenging family life will be able to relate to this, and find valuable insight from it. I certainly did. Ironically, the worst part of it was reading about her cat dying... to the point where I scribbled over it. I had to stop and ask myself why that bothered me more than the first 3/4 of the book about incest! Probably because of past trauma - isn't that always the reason?

Anyway, somehow the author manages to get us to feel compassion for both of her parents by the end of their lives. And those readers asking "why didn't she hate them?" "why didn't she tell anyone?" Well, the author expertly weaves that into the narrative... how confusing it is when you grow up with horrific acts, yet your parent teaches you that it's for your own good. It takes a lifetime of therapy and introspection to undo the harm of what we learn as children. It's tragic. But luckily, this brave woman comes out triumphant.

p.25 I am addicted to these terrifying new things. Addicted to terror. For terror, feel love. With terror, my body feels loved. Terror is the definition of love, a synonym proving love's existence. So I stubbornly sit in this house in order to enable my parents to love me. I need for my father to love me. And I believe that he does.

p.54 Why, then, do I lack words for what I know? At school we are taught French, but STILL, even in this language, I learn no words for what I know, for what I am taught at night. So if words don't exist, if definitions don't exist, if signs and symbols don't exist, then maybe people and actions don't exist either. None of us exists. Night doesn't exist. Bodies don't exist. I don't exist, for surely I know no language that might prove otherwise.
What is the definition of "father," "mother," "sister," "daughter," "soul," "family," "love"? Do I ever learn? Maybe all the definitions I learn are wrong.
I do learn, however, one of the most important lessons of my life: Contradictions never startle or surprise me. I am capable of living with irreconcilable contradiction.

p. 60 In this murky water I see nothing. The sodden cold weighs me deeper and deeper. I close my eyes and expel my breath in a slow rush of bubbles. It is here, now, I lose my fear of water. It is here I discover its soothing lap, lap against my skin, rocking me. In this body-numbing water I can let go and float to a deep basin of the sea. My seaweed hair will drift about my shoulders. My skin turns to phosphorescence. My fingernails are delicate pink shells. My teeth are pearls. And I will dwell forever beneath a warm blanket of sand on the ocean floor.

p.73 I don't want to tell him about Maria, but--my mind races--the truth or a lie? --which would be safer?

p.107 I hoard words. I collect them. I stuff myself full of them. Not words that bring me closer to reality; rather, words that carry me farther away. I never read books that tell me about myself. Instead, words give me the power to create a person who might be another self, as well as the power to create magical images, a destination, a habitat, where this other self can live.

p.181 Memories are also like the ocean, like tides in the sea. Memories roll close to me, curled in the scroll of a wave, suddenly revealed when the wave crashes ashore. Then the memory ebbs, flowing out to sea.

p.181 ...I know no words to decipher it. To ensure I never do, there are moments of time when I don't allow myself to see words, when I can't see ANY word, for any word might reveal a truth I don't want to know. So for days after seeing the movie, I'm unable to read even one word with ease. None. I can't read magazines. I can't look at billboards or street signs.... When I write out a check I am filled with anxiety at the words on the printed check ...As long as I am wordless I will not know the truth of the sin I have committed.

p. 215 I am lost from the start because all I know is how to play a role, how to LOOK RIGHT - what I learned from my parents. From them I learned the importance of appearances, not bothering with the inconvenience of a true inner life.

**p.217 As a child I wasn't taught the language of me. So I couldn't learn the language of me. I didn't even want to know I existed.

p.247 They were the parents, the adults, they chose to be. We all are the parents, the adults, we choose to be.

[Heva · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not an easy read, but it is a necessary one, especially for those who have experienced abuse or trauma in their own lives.

Silverman's eclectic style of constructing ideas and concepts is both refreshing and unique. She uses a combination of personal anecdotes, poetry, and academic research to explore the themes of trauma, memory, and family dynamics. Her writing is raw, honest, and poignant, and her words pack a powerful punch.

As I read this book, I couldn't help but reflect on the abusive cultures our ancestors used to live in and how they have shaped our society today. Although I had a great childhood, I am aware of the dark history that lies beneath the surface of our society. Silverman's memoir reminded me that we must confront this history head-on if we want to heal and move forward.

What I found most compelling about the book is Silverman's ability to use her own experiences to create a larger philosophical discussion about trauma and memory. She argues that memories of trauma are not simply a recording of past events but are rather a living and evolving part of our present lives.

Overall, this book is a powerful and necessary memoir that delves deep into the impact of abuse and trauma on one's life. Silverman's eclectic style and philosophical insights make this book a must-read for anyone interested in exploring the complexities of trauma and memory.

[Debbie Hagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my second time reading this amazing memoir. The first time I read it was probably five or six years ago, and I was wowed even then about the author's honesty and her ability to tell this story of childhood rape and abuse at the hands of her father (beginning at age four) with such pain and clarity, and lyricism. Sue William Silverman takes us from her father's early nighttime visits to becoming a teenager, trying to navigate boys, their sexual desires, and understanding who she is (abandoned long ago, because her father totally controlled her), and begin a life of her own. But Silverman has been trained to believe that sex means love, and this fills her with fear, a desire for sex because she perceives it as love, but then there's shame when it unrequited. As an adult, Silverman turns to therapy and finds Randy, who leads her through the complexities of her life and helps her see that her father and his abuse has psychologically distorted the way she sees life. It takes time and work, but Silverman learns how to love and take care of herself and to begin to see and understand the damage done to her as a child.

This is one of the most remarkable books I've ever read...such honesty, clarity, and open spirit as the reader roots for Silverman and follows her quest to find truth, love, and understanding.

[Cherianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

It seems 'wrong' to give a 5-star rating to a memoir of horrific childhood abuse but this book is brilliantly written. As a student of psychology in college and now volunteering with neglected children, I have read many memoirs of childhood abuse....and this one shocked me. It actually felt traumatizing as I read it. Halfway through, a friend suggested I stop reading it but I had to continue reading to possibly understand how a father could do this to his daughter and to see how she healed from it. The book is so incredibly well-written and I was shocked from beginning to end......shocked at the abuse, shocked by some of the graphic details, and shocked by her relationship with her father/abuser on his deathbed. Many memoirs just tell the story of their childhood and the abuse but this one details how she dealt with it in her mind as a child and it goes through her years of therapy as an adult. It is an incredible but difficult to stomach read. Highly recommended to those who can stomach the horror.

[Losh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I felt a heaviness in my heart as I realized the book was coming to an end. Silverman writes so beautifully, her descriptions so vivid. I feel like I journeyed with her, through the depths of her mind, in this book. Of course, I will never fully understand or be able to comprehend the pain and suffering she went through. This was a harrowing, painful account of a stolen childhood that Silverman continued to grief well into adulthood. All I want to say is thank you, Sue, for bearing your heart and soul, for sharing your story, with us. I will continue to hold this book close to my heart for years to come, and to me, that is what good books do: they stay with you, forever.

Warning though, this can be incredibly triggering to people who have or are suffering from child sexual abuse, self harm, sexual addiction and eating disorders. Descriptions are graphic and heavy, so do not read unless you are in a stable headspace.

[Nancy Chapple · Rating 5 out of 5]

I took an indirect route to this book ... a writing coach recommended Silverman's essay and thinking on the Voice of Innocence and the Voice of Experience in memoir writing ( https://brevitymag.com/craft-essays/i... ). I wondered what the books would be like that this thoughtful writing teacher might have produced, all highly acclaimed (though hardly read / reviewed) here at Goodreads; this one was available to me as a used book in Europe, without horrific postage due for sending it from the US.
Absolutely terrifying memoir, framed in the most restrained, self-controlled of voices, gained no doubt only through years of therapy. About a father who committed sexual abuse of his daughter, grooming and wielding total control over an incredible number of years. A painful yet -- for certain readers -- essential read.

[Madeline Mace · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is artfully written. The confusion and thought process from a child’s perspective was a sorrowful gift to read. Please read if you are seeking to further understand child sexual abuse from a victims perspective during multiple stages of life. I would also recommend if you are a victim of other forms of abuse such as verbal, emotional, or neglect. Though this memoir has the ability to trigger the reader, it also has the ability to provoke catharsis and allow for the inner child to feel seen. The healing journey that the author shared is unapologetically intimate and the struggle towards healing is palpable yet achievable.

Read this life-changing book expecting your perspective on child abuse to completely change.

[Megan Avellana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is devastating, detailed and extremely well written. It’s hard to read, but an important story. It makes you feel so many emotions. The author is courageous for telling her story, especially with all of the shame and stigma associated with incest, rape, and being a victim of child molestation and pedophilia. The damage her family did to her is incredible and sad. It made me realize how important it is to teach children what real love is and how important it is to feel secure. A must read.

[Serena Mancini · Rating 5 out of 5]

Prepare yourself for a riveting but challenging read—this memoir is not for the faint of heart. I found myself needing frequent breaks due to the graphic subject matter. The author's execution of the narrative is nothing short of exceptional in its portrayal of incest and childhood sexual abuse. I do not think this was intentional, but this book simply laid out how sexual abuse survivors can develop multiple personalities. A true testament to survival, strength, and hope of breaking traumatic and abusive cycles.

[zoaayyyy · Rating 5 out of 5]

i could not stop reading from the moment i began. when i was not reading it i was wondering when i was able to continue reading it. i cannot be too detailed, but i felt seen in her healing. it was like seeing my words and thoughts spoken for me. i felt less like a strange girl. i will also never read this book again, i hope, since it made me cry too much and think too much. maybe i will read it again when i am older and i can manage myself. the book devoured me both through sue's writing and my own thoughts. i feel like i exist. i lack good words to explain this.

[Joelle Tamraz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book shook me to the core, and then gave me hope. The author gives voice to the unspeakable. A part of me didn't want to read, didn't want to know such things, hear about such pain, such abuse, such crimes. Yet, I couldn't stop reading. I needed to know what was going to happen to this young girl. Would she survive? How would she do it?
By the end, the author takes her own steps to mend the broken pieces, and we realise her whole story, however terrible, needed to be told.

[Ankita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Boy this was a hard book to read. Not because of the writing which was smooth but because the content is so heartwrenching and painful. Sue has laid bare the decades of pain and confusion in a graphic narrative the trauma of growing up in a family that has horrific secrets and where the journey of healing is hard won.

[Rob Connor · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is truly terrifying. I read a great deal of it kind of sick to my stomach. I ended up skimming some of the end of the book because I ran out of time. It's shocking and while well-written it is not for the faint of heart. It's easy to take a "normal" childhood for granted, it's so sad how terrible some people can have it.

[Michelle Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absorbing read. I was transported to Silverman's world and understood her childish take on the dreadful abuse inflicted by her father. I rooted for her and missed her when the book was finished. Likely triggering for victims of abuse.

[Muminah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is so sad because it's about a girl who gets sexually abused by her father and me and my mates were shocked when we read this book tears were in our eyes and couldn't read anymore so never finished it off we want to finish it of and we don't at the same time.

[YN Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a difficult read. Sue William Silverman writes beautifully, with well chosen words and prose that sucks you into the pain and horrors that she experienced as a child at the hands of her father’s sexual abuse.

[Linda Griffin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even better than Love Sick, which I read first. Even though this one comes first chronologically, they interconnect and can be read in either order. She writes so compellingly and beautifully I would read anything she wrote.

[Jasmine Suschil · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly a masterpiece! Definitely proceeded with caution, lots of triggers but once you get through the tough parts it’s beautiful. One’s journey to where they are now is so heartbreaking and inspiring!

[LeAnne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brutal.