How We Are

How to Live #1

by Vincent Deary

We live in small worlds.

In Book One, How We Are, we explore the power of habit and the difficulty of change. As Vincent Deary shows us, we live most of our lives automatically, in small worlds of comfortable routine--what he calls Act One. Conscious change requires deliberate effort, so for the most part we avoid it. But inevitably, from within or without, something comes along to disturb our small worlds--some News from Elsewhere. And, with reluctance, we begin the work of adjustment: Act Two.

Over decades of psychotherapeutic work, Deary has witnessed the theater of change--how ordinary people get stuck, struggle with new circumstances, and finally transform for the better. He is keenly aware that novelists, poets, philosophers, and theologians have grappled with these experiences for far longer than psychologists. Drawing on his own personal experience and a staggering range of literary, philosophical, and cultural sources, Deary has produced a mesmerizing and universal portrait of the human condition.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Philosophy, Anthropology, Unfinished, Personal Growth

Paperback

First published September 1, 2014

Reviews

[Jose · Rating 3 out of 5]

Excellent book. The author delves into what creates character, personality. Is it something etheral inside us sullied by our imperfect existence and our circumstances, a "soul" in the platonic sense? Or is it the other way around where the form, the habits, even the dress become us? How do we pour ourselves into preexisting forms : the gangster, the advertising.executive, the mean girl? This a book about our resistance to change and how it is change , the hard difficult clumsy time of adjustment, the time when we despair for new stability and grasp for new habits to spare us the floundering around , that forges us. Change forces us to choose the person we want to be, through thoughts, then deeds, then habits and eventually a whole persona. Tread carefully, the author says. Any screenwriter might appreciate the beautiful paralels the author draws between film or drama and the upheavals that make life interesting. May be not for everyone but it spoke to me and allowed me to see my restless search for a life that 'fits', made me wonder what habits have made me become this unhappy depressed person that I am and brought back many memories and aha moments. The author doesn't offer much in the way of prescriptions but the questions are poised so they feel eeriely recognizable. I enjoyed his descriptions of how we end up haunting our rooms, tracing paths of desire in our lifes and shopping for a revelation that seems to come easily in youth and becomes muted as we age. Loved his view of religious practice as a 'fake it till you make it, kind of exercise , including Bhudists by the way , who usually get spared in most other books. His quotes from film, literature and the classics are well picked.

[Fiona · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit torn about this one. 3.5 stars maybe. I liked the premise at lot: a description of the process of change presented as a three act drama, a structure familiar from most of the films etc we've ever seen. As I'm intrigued both by how stories work and by why people do what they do, it seemed right up my street. I liked the broad sweep of his references, from classical philosophy to The Devil Wears Prada, George Eliot to modern neuroscience. But. It's really, really long winded. His basic argument - that humans are creatures of habit and that to change, we have to push against this until our 'new' behaviours stop being conscious and become habits themselves - would have made a good magazine article, but to make it book length, there's a lot of filler and repetition. The last few chapters, which sum it all up, are well worth the price of entry, though.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read, and it's a hard one to describe. It's something like a meditation on the way our habits define who we are and why it's so difficult to change, but it's worlds different from most books on this subject. Sometimes awkward and boring but sometimes beautiful and brilliant. It felt like a work of art to me, existing for the sake of its self-awareness, sometimes inscrutable and sometimes so clear it made me feel deeply seen. I'm so glad I bought it for a dollar from the library; it was a good companion during this incredibly strange year. I will read it again some day.

[Elisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read in tandem with Bill Nye's evolution book and interesting to make connections between human nature/personal evolution and the natural world and evolution in the biological sense.

How We Are also served to calm me in a time of (low-grade but persistent) emotional turmoil. I'm always seeking myself and this book helped to chip away at the veil (a clumsy way of putting it, but oh well.) I look forward to reading the next in the trilogy.

[Hannah · Rating 1 out of 5]

genuinely shocked how much i disliked this book (got it as a gift from a friend after a fight so i really wanted to like it and am sad i did not). A few interesting thoughts on human life / inner workings lost in a stream of consciousness which was repetitive, pseudo poetic, and full of fluff & random tales. Ultimately did not get out of this what i wanted to :/

[Wendy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting thoughts and ideas that are drowned in a noisy stream, & sometimes a cacophony, of verbalised consciousness. Frustrating... Maybe that's a parallel and the purpose though!

[Pena Eduard-Andrei · Rating 4 out of 5]

,,Susan:-Zici că oamenii au nevoie de... fantezii ca sa facă viața suportabila?
Moartea:-Nu.Oamenii au nevoie de fantezii ca să fie umani.Ca sa fie in locul in care îngerul decăzut se întâlnește cu maimuța care se înalță."

[Joseph · Rating 1 out of 5]

How We Are was a major disappointment for me. I have recently begun reading psychiatric and psychoanalytic treatises but this book fell flat quickly and never regained its footing. Perhaps, and this is a big perhaps, his staccato form for his introductory points did not mesh well with my reading style, but I will say that there appears to be no rush to publish the other two books of the trilogy and I can see why. This was probably not as well received commercially as anticipated since he appears to be hopping from topic to topic within his conscious argument. He relies very heavily on an evolutionistic viewpoint to explain how we are but he gives no indication as to why we are that way. His thread of conversation appeals to the pseudo intellectual and not to the reading looking for help.
If the second book is ever published I will consider re reading this one to see if I have missed the point but I doubt it. I have read so many books that were helpful and explanatory and this one failed to meet either of those criteria.

[Valeria Meraz C · Rating 3 out of 5]

A psychotherapist explaining softly why you get stuck in past habits and why it’s hard to accept change, so that you can see with clarity how you can change for the better -it’s not easy but you can try. I liked all the neurological and scientific info, I felt it was very well explained and tied in to the psychology of, well “how we are”, but really very accesible to a non scientific audience. I liked the analogy of personal change and natural evolution, and many other connections the author makes. There is a LOT of analogies and cultural references throughout the book, sometimes maybe too many. Overall I enjoyed the book and found it insightful in the way it makes me think about accepting habits and change into my own life. It’s a 3.5 from me.

[Shai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Partially psychologist, partially social commentator, wholly philosopher, Vincent Deary presents a nicely built argument regarding how we are and how we change. We are a sum of our habits, habits that have been ingrained in us throughout our own personal histories and which are reinforced by the people in our lives, the environments we live in, and the situations in which we find ourselves. Yet, at times of change - internal or external - these habits no longer can serve their purpose. We find ourselves continuously playing out old scripts for new situations, leading to anxiety and dread. Yet, negative as this may sound, these are our opportunities to grow, to change. By shedding our older habits and engraving new habits into our routines, we are able to add more layers to our cognitive, emotional, and behavioral repertories and, subsequently, grow. Growth, according to Deary, is created at the forefront of our resistance to (and inevitable failure to resist) change.

[Jabberwocky · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ich hätte dem Buch so gerne mehr Sterne gegeben. Es regt immer wieder zum Überlegen an, wie wir sind, und wird insoweit seinem Titel gerecht.

Warum muss man dabei um den heißen Brei reden? Die Geschichten von Lilian, John & Co. verdeutlichen wenig bis nichts und lenken von den eigentlichen Aussagen ab, weil sie schlichtweg langweilig sind. Das Buch war wie eine Aneinanderreihung von Schnipseltexten aus unstrukturierten Gedankenblitzen. Es gab zu viel uninteressantes und verwirrendes Beiwerk. Ein klarer roter Faden fehlte mir.

Aber wer mit dem Schreibstil warm wird: Bitte sehr, etwas Interessantes gibt es in dem Buch sicher für jeden Leser.

[Kevin · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of this was fluff, but it did have some usefulness at the end, particularly about not letting habit and routine run your life.

[Aaron Bowes · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book to get a background on Deary's next book, How We Break. Overall, it is an okay read. Deary's analogy of change being similar to a movie's first, second, and third acts stuck with me the most, where he says that the "first act" is where the settled "normal" is, the "second act" is the main plot, where there is the struggle toward integrating these changes, and the "third act" is the "new normal", after integration, where the "new" is more or less habit. I think this is a helpful way to think about change. It is a good reminder while in "act two" that "act three" does come eventually.

It is clear that Deary reads widely when looking to write about a topic given what ideas he ties in and from where, but the execution left me scratching my head at times, wondering if some of these ideas got published by mistake. There some interesting parts here and there like his integration of philosophical ideas about the mind, will, and emotions from Plato and later discussed by Aquinas. But most of the time, this book feels a lot like random ramblings that I think were meant to be read as pseudo-philosophical.

I saw one other reviewer mention that the first half is a bit to drudge through but the second half is more interesting and cohesive. I agree with this. If you decide to pick this book up (and finish it), just remind yourself that the second half is coming when you find it difficult to read through the first half. If you are looking to read this book because you are looking to read his second book, there is truly no need to do so. Though it gives you a fuller background for his second book, he explains the main concepts to understand from this book as he goes along in the second book.

[Simon Howard · Rating 2 out of 5]

I took this out of the library after seeing that the second book in Deary’s intended trilogy, How We Break, had recently been published and positively reviewed.

How We Are was first published in 2014, and it’s a book which blends philosophy with some self-help. It is broadly about habits and the degree to which we live our lives on autopilot. It’s also about how we break out of those habits.

The book is in two ‘acts’, named ‘saming’ and ‘changing’, as in the lyrics to the song These Boots Are Made for Walkin’—‘You keep saming when you ought to be changing’.

And in two words, that’s why I didn’t get on with this book. It is stuffed with pop culture references, particularly to films, which meant absolutely nothing to me. It’s neither fun nor enlightening to read passages about why the action of a character in a movie you’ve never heard of illustrate a key philosophical point.

I suspect this is also the reason other people rave about Deary’s book. I suspect that if you get the references, this genre-bending book is fun and enlightening. I can imagine that it might even be delightful.

But not for someone as ignorant as me.

[Dion · Rating 1 out of 5]

That was hard, and ultimately unrewarding, work. This book seems to have no idea what it wants to be, and therefore failed in being much of anything. I picked it up because I thought it would be a well-researched psychological look into how we find our place in the world, but in its place I found a mish-mash dog's breakfast of pseudo-philosophical ramblings, cod-New Age fluff and random tales about people I didn't care about in the slightest, intercut with meta-digressions about him writing the book. This was further hurt by the leaden writing, reading like a self-important man pontificating in florid prose that is not nearly as poetic as he seems to think it is. I hate to be so harsh - anybody attempting to understand, and to help others understand, how we live is a worthy endeavour, but this book really fails in its purpose.

[Tram-Anh Huynh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Winding stream of consciousness, but there is a direction in all of the author's explorations. It's definitely not for everyone; similar themes are usually found in self-help pop books at the airport. On one hand, the book could have been condensed into a few bulleted pages. But the roundabout style -and questions the author poses - forced me to pause and do inner work. This was like having an evening discourse with an introspective friend or pondering through a philosophy class... trying to get to the root of who humans are and why change is difficult. I came in with little expectations - the pages at a glance looked to be too scholarly - but the sections are broken up in digestible parts. I was not expecting to finish this book with so many tabbed phrases. Looking forward to revisiting it in the future.

[James Williams · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a great book, but it could have been condensed to a much smaller book. It used a myriad of examples and analogies to instruct readers about the nature of unconscious human beings. It did a great job teaching how we are domesticated to our tribes and cultural underpinnings. We become automatic in our reasoning. Yet, we can break away from this train of thought by break our life down to three acts: Act 1, Act 2, and Act 3. Act 1 is saming/automatic or unconscious actions, act 2 changing, and act 3 reinforcing the new habits. A process to make this happen is thought to actions, actions to habits, habits to character, and character to destiny. I recommend this read, but I think it is inundated with too many examples.

Dr. James Arthur Williams
www.unmaskytp.com

[Luise · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eigentlich müsste ich das Buch sofort erneut lesen, da es so viele interessante Hinweise und Ansichten auf die verschiedensten Dinge liefert. Dies ist eines meiner ersten Bücher, bei dem der Deckeltext wirklich auch mit dem Buch übereinstimmt, jede Seite regt zum Nachdenken an.
Am interessantesten waren für mich die Verweise auf klassische, aber auch modernere Bücher, sowie Filme inklusive Interpretationen, die mich jetzt dazu anregen all diese Bücher /Filme, die ich ohne das Buch wahrscheinlich nie entdeckt hätte, nun auch selbst zu lesen.
Der Schreibstil des Autors ist auch einfach ein Genuss.

[Hiccopolit · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5. I like books which draw on many diverse sources to make their point. On that score this book is a winner. The core message of the book is sound and there were several asides which provided food for thought. Unfortunately the book is repetitive and could easily have been condensed to more streamlined volume. I also found myself disliking the author. I'm not sure exactly why, but perhaps the writing style (stream of consciousness) and the need to insert his 'wonderful' friends into the narrative felt self indulgent.

[K. N. · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first, I was going to rate this book a 4-star book because of the muddling language; however, after I read the last paragraph the author made up for the muddling; perhaps the muddling stemmed from my auto reading, it clicked in my mind that How We Are provides the explanation of how one can go on autopilot and still accomplish greatness. The book inspired me to write more books. By understanding that there may be someone out there waiting for you to write your fiction or non-fiction book, as soon as you can, so they can read it.

[Simon Evans · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ultimately this book delivers a sensible message about using mindfulness, bravery, willpower and logic to break out of the habits and routines that bind us. To forge our own proactive paths to be the best that we can be. It probably says something about me, rather than the book, that I found the path of the narrative rather jittery, repetitive and bewildering. The path of this book was a stony, twisting route on which I found the occasional gem.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book provides good insight into the power of habit in our lives. The use of examples from popular culture as well as people the author knows provide a useful context for explaining the ideas in the book. Good food for thought for anyone who is contemplating or attempting to significantly change their life.

[Jeff G · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent exposition of ideas I was pursuing in my philosophy group (around the same time as the book was being written). Going to do a deeper read and see how it revives and advances my views of habit. Sorry I didn't write this (first)--but very happy I wasn't the only one pursuing it!

[Shaima · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly recommend reading this book if you are interested in human psychology. It talks about how we as humans react to change. What happens to our brain when something out of our comfort zone occurs? It talks about how we are made up of experiences.

[Charles Broughton · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book to start the year with; and one not just to pour into yourself, but to be in dialogue with - to question, interrogate, reflect and synthesise. Nothing here you haven't come across before in some form, but presented in a way I found useful and progressive. I got a lot out of this.

[Stef Stefanova · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the content of the book is great but I found it too verbose. Also though I loved the other book of the author “How we break” the audio reader’s voice for this one was so JARRING. Hoping the third book of the trilogy is read again by Vincent Dreary 🤞

[Anda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nene foarte destept,scrie o carte cu idei inovatoare exprimate pe intelesul tuturor.
Merge citita oriunde.

[M. Arbon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful, gentle book about how humans think and cope with change.

[Ton Hof · Rating 1 out of 5]

Kabbelende open deuren. Not my cup of tea.

[Min · Rating 4 out of 5]

Long-winded and sometimes self-indulgent. Interesting takeaways here and there.