Thrashing About with God: Finding Faith on the Other Side of Everything

by Mandy Steward

What if Jesus didn’t die so our lives could look perfect? What if He died so we could stop feeling like our lives have to be perfect to mean something? What if we simply live out our own story, even if it doesn’t look as others say it should? Mandy Steward set out in pursuit of these what-ifs. She didn’t find answers so much as she discovered a messy grace that knows no limits and a God that was and is willing to thrash about with her no matter her questions or struggles or doubts. What she found was abundant life, but it didn’t look like she thought it was going to. It was far different, and much deeper. This is a book without “easy” answers that lets those struggling with faith and searching for more know they are not alone.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Christian, Christianity, Spirituality, Religion, Christian Living

272 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2013

About the author

*Artist. Art student. Art teacher. Art curator. Staying curious. Enjoying myself.

Reviews

[Paula Vince · Rating 3 out of 5]

Giving a book a ranking at all is something I'm loath to do in most cases but especially in this one, as it has a lot to do with what Mandy Steward addresses, including how she's decided to tackle her reactions to the opinions and labels of others. Given the subject matter, I'd hate to come across as a prime example of the type of person she's talking about within the pages. However, part of the process of writing a book includes inviting feedback from members of the public, so now I'll attempt to explain the great good I got from reading this on the one hand, and the niggling misgivings I had on the other, pulling me in different directions and resulting in a 3 star ranking; a tied vote, so to speak.

First, I've got to applaud her for being brave and honest enough to take a stand, and fight for her right to take time out from her normal life to reflect. A pastor's wife deciding not to attend church until she's worked through the issues in her mind and spirit is surely not a common occurrence. Mandy decided to break from her established pattern of seeking answers from older, wiser, (usually male) figures outside of herself to delve within.

Here are some of the issues she addresses. Jesus has promised us 'life to the full', but what do we really make of this? We keep searching, although we're not sure what it will look like when or if it comes. It's easy to get into a pattern of striving, assuming God must be holding back because we're falling short in some way. Taking time to reflect showed her how often she'd been stuffing genuine feelings of inadequacy deep beneath the web of performance she was trying to weave to make up for it. It took stepping back to help show her how she'd exhausted herself, chasing approval from others through performing and achieving. She has an eloquent way of writing which convinced me that this could be my story too. I'd be willing to guess that almost every reader of this book will come away recognising the benefits they could get from a similar performance detox.

However, as I was reading, I couldn't help wondering if her depression, many times, was tied up to a self-focused digging around where she didn't really need to go. Sometimes it seemed as she had a permanent "How am I feeling today?" thermometer attached to her. We all know that someone who continually takes their own temperature may most likely end up feeling unwell. It would be a shame not to live our lives because we're too busy examining them. I read this memoir on my kindle, but I'd be willing to guess it'd be a pretty thick hard copy book. That's a lot of soul searching.

Her stance to take a fast from Bible reading, as if it's all tied in with people pleasing, seemed a bit shortsighted. She gave the impression that she's fed up with it because she knows it all so well, but she doesn't seem to take into account how multi-layered it is, or to open herself to the possibility of being surprised by a fresh insight.

I think it's the sort of book to delve into one chapter or so at a time, when we're in the mood to feel challenged and have a good discussion. Reading it straight through from start to finish may bog us down a bit. Being inside my own head, grappling with a train of thought, gets tedious over the long term, and so it is with someone else's.

Although it's classified as a memoir, this felt a lot like reading someone's personal journal; a prolific artist/writer's free flowing thoughts. As I said, I felt awkward about reviewing it for this reason, as I wouldn't like somebody to rate mine. Mandy Steward has made herself vulnerable, so in the end, I respect and admire her for that. At one stage she said she came to the point of saying, "So what?" to people's value judgments, accepting that we all have our mixtures lightness and darkness that make us unique. Maybe that's one of the best things to take away from this.

I received a copy from Net Galley and David C Cook in return for an honest review.

[Rain · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in one sitting. A brief dozing off between 3 AM and 7 AM? I don't think that counts. When I closed the cover following the final page I let out a gusty exhale. I hadn't known I was holding my breath.

I am one who finds herself skittish, to put it mildly, in the world of faith and traditional Christianity. My fundamentalist roots and the consequent good-Christian-girl experiences (read: exhaustive, shame-based, fear-based, marked with an infinite array of "shoulds" and exclusions of practically everyone else in the world) of my twenties worked themselves into my skin and bones and leave me twitching on occasion when I am exposed to anything remotely "Christianese." However, my heart is very tender towards God and my spirituality. I am fiercely protective of my spiritual path. What I call the working out of my own salvation may not look like other versions but it is precious to me and I get to guard it with my whole being.

Because of this, I wasn't sure what to expect upon reading Thrashing About With God. Mandy is a dear friend of mine. She asked me, after I texted her to say I finished reading it, "Any triggering spots for you?" And I am surprised that I can honestly say, "No."

While she talks candidly and respectfully about her observations and experiences within and around the evangelical church world (including a former pastor of hers by the name of Rick Warren; you may have heard of him?) and uses words and phrases familiar to this culture, they are offered with such grace and freedom that it's like breathing fresh air into a dingy, stale room. There is no hidden motive, no conversion sales pitch, no "should-ing." Simply an invitation into the mystery and the life that is our own unique journey with God. On page 145, she says, "As God said in The Shack, "I will travel any road to find you." And He will, and He did, and He does. And it is He who then woos us onto unique, personal narrow roads that few have traveled."

Now I'm working through the book a second time and am struck by the way author Mandy Steward invites a deep breath, a relief, and a rest within the weary world of evangelical Christianity. She offers her own questions and discoveries, anger and hope for us to witness and perhaps see some of ourselves reflected there. I certainly do. On page 99 she writes, "It's scary to see how much I relied on the voices of others to direct my paths. And now I see the dark silhouettes of the owners of some of those voices, and I realize they weren't for me at all. Quite the opposite, they were sent to destroy me. I see a huge monster, and his name is Religion, and I am finally brave enough to be angry with him, because he has stolen God away from me ..." And on page 148-149, "We are all of us desperate, at some time or another, to institutionalize God, build structures, construct ideologies, and devise formulas that will make Him certain and secure, attainable and controllable. We are seeking certain paths for our own comfort. But the Divine will not be chained down. And this is the haunted beauty of it all. That He is always revealing Himself in present terms, always in the now. God is not limited to who He was and God is not limited to who He will be. God is "I AM. " God is relevant now in ways that can meet our hearts' needs ... if we could but see our longing and our hurting and our haunting and our inadequacies as invitations to His beauty and power and love." These words meet me right here. Like the probing touch of a gentle physician they fall right onto a tender place in my heart, bringing freedom and peace and permission to work through my own salvation with a God who is willing to go through the mess and the dark and the ungraceful thrashing with me.

On page 212-213 Steward writes, "... my knees would be wobbly and my palms sweaty. I would feel as if I was there on God's behalf, His acting attorney, and if I couldn't plainly represent His case and win the jury over, another soul would be lost for eternity. ... I would soothe my wounded pride from the "unwon battles" by telling myself, "You did the best you could. It's the Holy Spirit's job to convict the heart, not ours." But part of me always felt sick. Sick because I knew my friendship with that person could never really be the same again, and sick because I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince more - the jury or myself. But lately ... lately the conversations have been different. They've been different because I'm not having conversations to win anyone over. I'm having conversations because I'm the one asking questions. I can't tell you how freeing this is. For once I don't have to march "onward Christian soldier" as if I'm off to war. I can march as a spiritual seeker who wants to have an authentic conversation about how we as humans interact with a Higher Being. Or, actually, I don't have to do much marching at all."

I think that those within mainstream or fundamentalist Christianity might be frustrated by lack of emphasis on evangelism, consider the focus on grace to be out of balance with "law", equate the suggestion that it's possible to find God outside of the Bible (and actually hear from God outside of the institutionalized church or an appointed leader) with dangerous ground. However, those willing to embrace an honest anger that stirs passion just might be surprised at how hopeful this conversation can be. Honest thrashing, like Jacob's own dark night of the soul, presses one right up close to the Mystery itself which will not be contained but will allow itself to touch you, transform you. And however reads our story, our own wrestling with the Divine, it has the power to shape us, to scar us, to heal. We do not walk away the same.

This book is raw, breathtaking, brave. Mandy Steward brings a desperately-needed conversation to the table and in a refreshing twist, doesn't offer pat answers or tiresome platitudes or even the deprecation that western evangelicalism seems to adore. She writes with deep respect, wonder and reverence. I feel like I, with all my bumps and questions and bruises and, at times, ungraceful "thrashing" would not only be welcome at the table with her and God, but actually *wanted* there, with no underlying agenda ready to spring upon me once I let down my guard. Her words are wild poetry. She is a passionate artist offering a behind-the-scenes glimpse into one woman's spiritual life. It feels almost too intimate, like we are peeking into private journals scrawled out in the dark while a thunderstorm rages outside. I suspect this is more true than not.

[Kari · Rating 2 out of 5]

I should start by saying that I am probably not the target audience for Thrashing About With God. Mandy Steward makes a point of saying that she knows she is not finished with this journey of grace, and I completely understand that. I hope I am never done learning about the mysteries of God either. But the sense I got from the book is that she is not settled with herself, that she still feels defensive about parts of her story like taking a break from church and not reading the Bible. This is understandable because she is a pastor’s wife, but it is also very far from the life that I live, and that made it hard to relate. I felt sorry for her a lot, because I felt like she was “thrashing about” with a confining view of Christianity more than she was “thrashing about with God” and that it’s likely that God isn’t as worried about some of her hangups with Christianity as she has been taught. In the end, I thought that the book would have benefited from further time for growth and reflection on her part: her story is worth telling but it did not feel ready yet. Some of her thoughts were beautiful, especially the ideas of light and dark that she returned to several times, but the book as a whole did not gel for me. Recommended for: people who liked the message of Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and the style of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

I will add that I have read her blog before and enjoyed it which is why I picked up the book.

[Janette Fuller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Are you tired of pretending?

Are you tired of spitting out right answers for others when your own well has gone dry.

Are you tired of thinking the dreams you long to step into aren't holy enough to warrant action?

Are you tired of religiously giving and sacrificing and having nothing left to feed yourself?

Mandy Steward is a pastor's wife, mother of four young children and a talented artist. This is the story of her search for spiritual fulfillment and peace.

Ms. Steward struggles with the expectations that are placed on Christians by the church and society. She questions the beliefs that she was taught as a child. She copes with the guilt, doubt and fear she feels as she questions her faith and her own identity.

Mandy Steward shares her "messy life" and quest to balance her roles as a Christian, wife, mother and artist.

Ms. Steward has written a heartfelt, thoughtful account of her spiritual and emotional journey over the past several years. She questions almost everything about her life. She comes to the realization that there is nothing wrong with questioning because it is the way a person grows.

It has been several months since I have read a "Christian book." I must warn you that this is not the average book written for Christian women. This book is brutally honest, unvarnished and "messy". The author writes from her heart and expresses a very realistic view of her personal and family life.

I was very impressed by the patience and understanding that was shown by her husband and church family. This young woman is truly blessed to have a loving support system that will allow her to honestly examine her life and follow her dreams.

The good news is that questions lead to understanding and change. This book will inspire women to take a good look at their own situations and see if they are living the life "to the full" that Jesus promises in John 10:10.

[Elora Ramirez · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible memoir. Mandy Steward takes the chaos and messiness of "thrashing" and weaves it perfectly with the coming into one's own. It's not sequential or even necessarily organized, but really there's no other way for Steward to have spilled her words. I loved this book—can't wait to get my own paper copy when it comes out.

[Lindsay Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vulnerable, funny and profound. I found so much of myself in her words, as I think many evangelicals will. What I loved about this book, though, was the grace woven throughout. It's not a church-bashing memoir- it's full of hope and God and, yes, even church (and community) done right. The author wasn't ashamed to say she didn't have all the answers, wrestling right up until the end, and I loved the transparency about that.

[Jenny Wells · Rating 4 out of 5]

A gift to read. Honest. Tender. A book about a woman in process who knows it, stays open, and thrashes through being her authentic self with God, four children, her husband's church vocation, and in the depth of friendship. It only took me so long to read because I moved while reading and was able to get through about a chapter every other night or so. Great way to end my days. Thanks, Mandy.

[Rhiannon Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

A deeply personal book about struggling with faith and the church. Steward keeps the focus firmly on her own experiences and her own religion (evangelical Protestant Christianity), which both enables a rawness and honesty and leaves the work of relating it to other lives to the reader, avoiding preaching or over-generalisation. Most of this will not come as a surprise to Quakers (many of whom have been through their own messy patches in order to arrive at Quakerism), but it can be reassuring to know that others go through it it too - and that continues even when you have apparently 'found' your right place!

[Linda Koski · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm grateful to Mandy & David Cook Publisher for embracing this message and sharing it in print. So much indoctrination, heaps of twisted perceptions of what walking Christianity should look like, make a conversation/boo about a 'messy' life wrestling with God, a potentially controversial one. Thank you for simply being real, straight forward and including us in the reality that we are enough, and we need others to love us as we slowly love ourselves. As is.

[Melissa (Hiatus due to Death in Family) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this book I really liked--I liked the way she analyzed her life and discovered ways it came up short, and sought to fix it. However, what I didn't like was that she used a lot of excuses and blame whereas she should have done more examining in light of the Bible. Overall, an ok read, but nothing groundbreaking for me.


I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.

[Abigail Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been so great for my soul, accepting and healing the trauma from all the SHOULDS placed on you in the Christian faith. Truly life changing. I have never underlined or highlighted so much content!

[нєνєℓ ¢ανα · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honest, fair, open, a bright memoir that becomes a great gift for the soul...

[Helva · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not for me.
I made myself finish just to rate it.

[Tanya Marlow · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has been on my ‘to read’ list for ages, since practically every writer-friend I know has recommended it. Much like me, Mandy Steward was the Christian good girl, and then she grew up and married a minister, (which, as everyone knows, makes you a Super-Good-Christian). But burnout, doubt, and a faith crisis combined to throw her into a whirlpool of unknown, and this book is her thrashing her way through these questions, and finding a place of peace and resolution.

From this general description, I feared that it would be angry and chaotic, but although it poses some difficult questions, it is not an angry book. It felt to me like a free and freeing exploration of faith, throwing everything up into the air, and not catching everything, but just catching a few things, and turning them over in her hands so that the concept of a relationship with God appears fresh and new and good again.

This is, without question, a book for the burnt-out, the weary, the good girl or guy who is weary of being good, the doubter, the poet and artist, the lost one. It is for those who are in the midst of the storm and don’t know how to get out. I loved this book. I wasn’t sure that I agreed with everything in this book, but it is one of the few Christian books where that is not only permissible, but encouraged. I loved her spirit of exploration, her astute analysis into the psyche of the good girl / Older Brother of the prodigal son, and her deft storytelling. It is a beautiful, lyrical read, and a lifeline for those drowning in doubt. Highly recommended.

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

** This book is an advanced read.***

I got this book from the author through a goodreads contest. I had hoped that I would the book as it seemed to have a different focus re: the Christian spiritual life than what was in the contest lists in general.

I liked Mandy's writing as it was raw, honest "this is where I am at with God and it is messy" food for thought. Mandy tells us that she is a mother of 4, wife of a church staffer and she has periods where she doesn't really like going to church, doesn't really know what she believes about God or Jesus, and she puts it all out there. There is a vulnerability in her writing that is refreshing and is the side often not heard in our Christian churches today. No one, especially not a ministerial family member, wants to admit that they are the "perfect" picture of a believer.

In her journey, she has learned that in learning to know herself, she has begun to know God. It is okay to be the woman that is even if her faith isn't clearly defined or in a neat package. She gives hope to the rest of the thrashers who are also struggling to define themselves.

I will have to expand on some of the thoughts that she left me with in a future blog post.

[Valjean · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extraordinary book. I found no answers, which is what I usually look for in books on God. Instead, I found someone who had virtually all the same questions as I have had about years of Christian experience that somehow did not result in the 'abundant life'.

For example:
Why, when I do everything that spiritual authorities tell me to do, am I so empty?
Why can't I ever seem to find God the way others do?
Can I hear from God besides through reading the Bible?
Is it possible to trust the 'still, small voice' inside of me? Or should I run away from it as being 'me' and not 'God'?
Do I trust God enough to walk into a dark place with only His presence, not concerning myself with the approval of others?
Who are true spiritual friends and mentors (that love unconditionally)?

I left lots and lots of underlining and exclamation points and asterisks in the copy. I came to the end of the book, knowing that I simply need to keep walking on this narrow path of faith, even when it at times feels like 'the valley of the shadow', feels very uncertain, feels unknowable.

I strongly recommend this for you if you fit this description: Someone who has done all the 'right' Christian things and still feels a gaping hole inside. A God-shaped hole waiting to be filled.

[Misti · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been reading Mandy's blog for 3.5 years and read through her dark 'messy' days. When I first began the book I told her that her book was what I'd hoped Blue Like Jazz to be. I wanted to highlight and underline all sorts of beautiful words and phrases---she was right on.

There were definitely times that I did not identify with her. At a young age I felt alienated by church/church people/church setting and have long since made my peace with it and God. There were so many times I wanted to tell her to just move on, stop worrying about everyone else. I think even those who aren't religious could probably use this book to equate it to the general pressures and expectations and beliefs from the society around us. It isn't just Christians or the religious putting their spin on how everyone should act and live.

I know she intended the book to be messy, a bit organized and scattered, but by the end I was a bit frustrated with keeping up with the here-and-there of it all.

That said, I'm still a big fan of Mandy and her writings. I can't wait to see what other book she's got up her sleeve and see what kind of space she's in with God.

[A. J · Rating 2 out of 5]

I first bought this book back in the summer of 2015, when I was first deconverting from Catholicism. I had a lot of questions and this book was recommended to me, by whom I can't remember anymore. 

I decided to give this book a reread because I'm currently in the middle of moving and therefore also going through my bookshelves.  I remember when I first read the book I was disappointed that it wasn't more helpful.  Reading the book now was an interesting experience. 

Steward has a vivid writing style, her sentences flow really nicely and I enjoyed that part at least.The rest of the book was obviously not for me, and I ended up giving it away.  I felt like the rest of the book was a jumble. I related to her confusion about marriage and the church, but I disagreed with her conclusions. Her thoughts don't make sense. 

Still everyone's journey is their own, and I want to refrain from passing too much judgment. If you're religious and confused there are other books out there that can help, this is not one of them. I gave it two stars on Goodreads. 

[A.E.M. A.E.M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I discovered this jewel by accident, yet precisely when I needed it the most. What I love about this book is that it is honest, yet kind, about Christianity. By opening up about her own thought processes, feelings, and experiences; she allows others with the same or similar struggles to have a cup of tea or coffee with somebody who has been there. For those who may not yet have struggled with such depth with their faith, it offers an insight. Her process doesn't belittle those who cling to the rules and feel comforted by them; instead it comforts those who struggle to keep their faith alive in the midst of all those rule keepers. There is beauty when you allow your eyes to see the dark and the light mixed together, and that's exactly what Jesus did. He didn't stand in the light with the rules, pushing the dark away. He took his light to the dark places to shine hope in people's heart. And that's what this book does. It brings the light.

[Brenda · Rating 3 out of 5]

This wasn't bad by any means, but after awhile I just got tired of it. I got tired of it seeming like her main problem with Christianity was that it didn't mesh with her artistry. Unless I was just missing something. I did read it before bed at night and was sometimes tired.

I would have thought it would be more interesting for her to delve into why she seemed to be having a faith crisis. Instead it seemed like a lot of her talking about not knowing what she really believed, or if she believed something, and not wanting to conform or perform for other people.

Was that really all it was? That she wanted to be an artist and a rebel? Or did she struggle with certain tenets or beliefs of Christianity? That was just never really brought up that I can remember. And I feel like it would have been a much more interesting book if she had. But it was her book to write, and this was what she wanted to write. So there it is.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I see a huge monster, and his name is Religion, and I am finally brave enough to be angry with him, because he has stolen God away from me, making Him into a tame little puny judge with graying hair who raps his wooden mallet and squeaks out, "You're forever guilty.”

I found Thrashing About with God a wonderful look at the struggles we find in life and our faith. Steward is honest about the trials she has found with the church, other believers and the incredibly difficult life of being a pastor’s wife. I found this book rather than being one with a clear end, middle and ending but rather a collection of musings. Steward’s writing is used to find herself and her voice. It is a beautiful collection of stories.

[Pamela · Rating 5 out of 5]

A breath of fresh air!

At times I'm disappointed in memoir-type books, but not this time. This is so much more than a recounting of an individual life experience. It is a recounting of raw emotion, authentic thrashing about in the messiness of life, an honesty that I found so refreshing. I saw fearful bravery in this author, and felt such a connection with my own thrashing about in Christian circles. Some might be downright scandalized by her glorious rebellion, but I dare you to read the book anyway, and look deep within. You might just find a little freedom to worship Him in spirit and in messy truth!

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book is about a woman struggling to find her unique relationship with the Divine. There are a lot of Christian overtones, but no attempt at conversion. I think this would work for many different faiths, and certainly jived really well with my own New Age Rebel version of Christianity. I could really relate to what Mandy was going through even though my own journey was a different creature. If you're interested in faith without answers, then I can completely recommend Thrashing about with God.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book. It is obvious that Mandy is dealing with a lot stuff from the church and it IS so hard to separate Jesus from his followers when they can be so darn adamant.

There were parts I completely understood and identified with and parts that had me disagreeing out loud. Overall, I think it is a great book to read for anyone who struggles with the church, if for nothing else to help you see where your buttons may be.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated the raw honesty and courage to ask questions that often feel off-limits. However, I am uncomfortable with the route the author took to find her faith again - stopping reading her Bible, reading the mystics. Sometimes I wondered if she was more interested in finding herself than finding God. It reads much like you opened someone's journal and started reading.

Ultimately, she asks brave questions, without offering answers.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have felt misunderstood for most of my life, but reading Mandy's words made me feel less alone. She was willing to be vulnerable and ask the tough questions and get messy...and that is how I tend to live, but I always felt crazy for living that way. This book was placed in my life for a reason, and I am very grateful!

[Toni Guyton · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved how raw her emotions about God and Christianity were. I loved how fresh her perspective was, she is a breath of fresh air. But I felt she rambled on just a bit too much, made the same points over and over again, and frankly, I was expecting more for the ending. I think she could have done more. I overall enjoyed the book, just had higher expectations.

[Jack · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I am a polytheistic pagan witch.
That being said I LOVED this book. It was such a gift and written so raw and beautiful. Mandy is a beautiful soul for sharing this gift. I so suggest it for anyone who feels like they don't know who they are, or want to find a way to survive the mess and dark. It was beautiful

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book felt more a journal of intimate thought and experiences. I really enjoyed Mandy's openness and authenticity, and vulnerability as she recounts her struggles. I imagine this is what a kindred spirit would get if grabbing a coffee with her, connecting old soul to old soul.

[Dianne · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are some real pearls in the book. But overall it reads like someone's rambling journal when they're trying to figure out something and come to terms with it. There's way too much repetition.

Again, some real pearls, though.