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Breaking The Cycle
Marriage can and should be viewed as a unique venue, which works well when the "laws" of marriage are properly appled. This book sets a new standard for how marriage should be lived, in complete happiness and contentment. There is a way the book is written which gives one the sense that all be well, that until reading it marriage was a mystery. But the mystery is unvieled in ways that are unexpected, and now, knowing the truth, all one must do is follow what becomes obvious. The rave reviews do not go far enough. This book is not only the ultimate written marriage saver, it is also the beginning of a new age of marital awareness that has, until now, been missing. Compared to the science of marriage, illustrated in this book, all other approaches pale in comparison.
- GenresSelf Help
278 pages, Paperback
First published November 7, 2012
4 people are currently reading
35 people want to read
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Displaying 1 of 1 review
September 4, 2023
5 star advice and education for the marriage relationship. 2 star reading experience. But I'll give the book a 4 star in general.
Advice and education:
As a marriage counselor and a wife, this book has great information about the marriage relationship that everyone should hear. The author is brutal in his delivery, in a tough-love kind of way, but also in an empowering way. He gives the power back to the reader, that they actually are capable of changing and improving their marriages themselves. He is very black and white in his views, most of which I agree with and some of which I find myself resistant to. But overall really important and good information that I have been applying to my own marriage, as well as sharing with my clients in the marriage counseling setting.
Reading experience:
Most "self-improvement/self-help" books are in an easy to read format in order to provide the least amount of resistance to the reader. I think the author attempted to do that with small paragraphs, but this book felt like a textbook to read that took 8 pages to get to the point, for each point made. A lot of the time I lost the thought process we were supposed to be on, and a lot of paragraphs felt like rambling. The book is bigger than most, probably 8X11 or something close to that, and is almost 300 pages. I didn't keep track, but I think it took me about 20-25 hours to read. (this will be skewed because I take notes while reading). I also counted total about 15-20 typos and word errors throughout the book, which makes it frustrating to read. Towards the end, which had actual how-tos, I was forcing myself to finish.
Overall:
This book is definitely worth the read, but hard to get through so it really is for people who are serious about learning and willing to do the work. You have to be in a mindset of self-improvement, because the author really hammers home the point that there really isn't anything you can do to change your spouse (nor should you try), but you have power and need to focus 100% of your energy on changing yourself. I haven't watched any of his videos or listened to a podcast, but those might be a little easier to get through with the same information.
If you can put in the work to read, then you're dedicated enough to put in the work to change your mindset and behaviors. In that case, the book is worth it. If you're not willing to put in the work to read it, then you're not ready.
Make take-aways from my notes:
- Stop blaming anyone and everyone else. You are not a victim. you have free will and the power to change your bad behaviors
- Don’t talk shit about your spouse
- Don’t expect things of your spouse
- Selfishness always creates suffering
- Your greatest enemy is fear
- Distinguishing your mind from “you” will be the most beneficial thing you will ever do (204)
- Instinct does not consider your marriage vows
- The more love you give, the more love you will feel, until you are love itself.
Best quotes:
-Fairness is not part of the marital equation. Fairness won’t work. “Unconditional” is the proper word and guiding principle
- Being comfortable enough to be yourself does not mean you can be a toad
- Why would you give ammunition to someone about your own spouse, your best friend, your soul mate? Why would you want to reinforce negative feelings that may cross your mind?
- communicate with your spouse in a way that lets them know that you see them as the most important person in your life
- It is your perception of what is going on that is causing you to be critical of your spouse. You need to change your perception rather than change your spouse.
- You have free will. No matter how your spouse treats you, your behaviors have to be based on how you wish to behave, not based on how they treat you.
- Most individuals want to hear that their spouse is a jerk, and if we show them how to do such and such, they transform them. But that is never the case. Ever! You have to gain mastery over yourself.
- Have you betrayed her spouses trust? Have you share the secrets with others? Have you share their flaws with others? Have you been mean? Have you criticized, condemned, yelled at, or been mean to them? Those are some of the things blocking all the good stuff.
- Fairness is a completely irrelevant concept in the venue of marriage. Fairness is, at its core, a way of self protecting
- Gender differences exist, but blaming a gender trait because you didn’t understand your spouse or because you disagree with how they see something, minimized what is important to them, and makes you apathetic to their needs, non-supportive, and you may even tune them out
- Fear is not rational, it is a force. It takes over in instinct. Fear, instincts, and emotions do not reason. they only react.
- Be only your own teacher, never your spouses.
- Completely eliminate ideas of reciprocation, appreciation or anything which reduces your love to a business arrangement; and you to a beggar.
- You have to learn how to control your mind. You have to stop trying to control your spouse, and their mind
- Most mistakes happen or happened because the mind didn’t calculate at all
- 1. Stop. Stop your mouth and mind from making matters worse with uncontrolled negative words, speech, or actions
- 2. Evaluate. Do you really need to get defensive or reactive?
- 3. Act wisely. Use wisdom-guided will, not instinct
- You are a soul. It’s impossible for you to be fulfilled by a little physical pleasure. Learn, instead, how to have true intimacy, and use sex as just one of the many tools at your disposal.
- an intact family is not enough. Staying together is important but it isn’t enough. You agreed to more than that when you had children
- Teach by your own example. It’s how children learn. Be good examples of good values
- Do all you can to encourage a strong relationship between your children and their other parent
Advice and education:
As a marriage counselor and a wife, this book has great information about the marriage relationship that everyone should hear. The author is brutal in his delivery, in a tough-love kind of way, but also in an empowering way. He gives the power back to the reader, that they actually are capable of changing and improving their marriages themselves. He is very black and white in his views, most of which I agree with and some of which I find myself resistant to. But overall really important and good information that I have been applying to my own marriage, as well as sharing with my clients in the marriage counseling setting.
Reading experience:
Most "self-improvement/self-help" books are in an easy to read format in order to provide the least amount of resistance to the reader. I think the author attempted to do that with small paragraphs, but this book felt like a textbook to read that took 8 pages to get to the point, for each point made. A lot of the time I lost the thought process we were supposed to be on, and a lot of paragraphs felt like rambling. The book is bigger than most, probably 8X11 or something close to that, and is almost 300 pages. I didn't keep track, but I think it took me about 20-25 hours to read. (this will be skewed because I take notes while reading). I also counted total about 15-20 typos and word errors throughout the book, which makes it frustrating to read. Towards the end, which had actual how-tos, I was forcing myself to finish.
Overall:
This book is definitely worth the read, but hard to get through so it really is for people who are serious about learning and willing to do the work. You have to be in a mindset of self-improvement, because the author really hammers home the point that there really isn't anything you can do to change your spouse (nor should you try), but you have power and need to focus 100% of your energy on changing yourself. I haven't watched any of his videos or listened to a podcast, but those might be a little easier to get through with the same information.
If you can put in the work to read, then you're dedicated enough to put in the work to change your mindset and behaviors. In that case, the book is worth it. If you're not willing to put in the work to read it, then you're not ready.
Make take-aways from my notes:
- Stop blaming anyone and everyone else. You are not a victim. you have free will and the power to change your bad behaviors
- Don’t talk shit about your spouse
- Don’t expect things of your spouse
- Selfishness always creates suffering
- Your greatest enemy is fear
- Distinguishing your mind from “you” will be the most beneficial thing you will ever do (204)
- Instinct does not consider your marriage vows
- The more love you give, the more love you will feel, until you are love itself.
Best quotes:
-Fairness is not part of the marital equation. Fairness won’t work. “Unconditional” is the proper word and guiding principle
- Being comfortable enough to be yourself does not mean you can be a toad
- Why would you give ammunition to someone about your own spouse, your best friend, your soul mate? Why would you want to reinforce negative feelings that may cross your mind?
- communicate with your spouse in a way that lets them know that you see them as the most important person in your life
- It is your perception of what is going on that is causing you to be critical of your spouse. You need to change your perception rather than change your spouse.
- You have free will. No matter how your spouse treats you, your behaviors have to be based on how you wish to behave, not based on how they treat you.
- Most individuals want to hear that their spouse is a jerk, and if we show them how to do such and such, they transform them. But that is never the case. Ever! You have to gain mastery over yourself.
- Have you betrayed her spouses trust? Have you share the secrets with others? Have you share their flaws with others? Have you been mean? Have you criticized, condemned, yelled at, or been mean to them? Those are some of the things blocking all the good stuff.
- Fairness is a completely irrelevant concept in the venue of marriage. Fairness is, at its core, a way of self protecting
- Gender differences exist, but blaming a gender trait because you didn’t understand your spouse or because you disagree with how they see something, minimized what is important to them, and makes you apathetic to their needs, non-supportive, and you may even tune them out
- Fear is not rational, it is a force. It takes over in instinct. Fear, instincts, and emotions do not reason. they only react.
- Be only your own teacher, never your spouses.
- Completely eliminate ideas of reciprocation, appreciation or anything which reduces your love to a business arrangement; and you to a beggar.
- You have to learn how to control your mind. You have to stop trying to control your spouse, and their mind
- Most mistakes happen or happened because the mind didn’t calculate at all
- 1. Stop. Stop your mouth and mind from making matters worse with uncontrolled negative words, speech, or actions
- 2. Evaluate. Do you really need to get defensive or reactive?
- 3. Act wisely. Use wisdom-guided will, not instinct
- You are a soul. It’s impossible for you to be fulfilled by a little physical pleasure. Learn, instead, how to have true intimacy, and use sex as just one of the many tools at your disposal.
- an intact family is not enough. Staying together is important but it isn’t enough. You agreed to more than that when you had children
- Teach by your own example. It’s how children learn. Be good examples of good values
- Do all you can to encourage a strong relationship between your children and their other parent
Displaying 1 of 1 review