I have recently been struck by a most dangerous affliction: that of not wanting to read.
This is a rare and confusing position for me to be in, and quite frankly I am completely baffled as to how to tackle this change in myself. It makes no sense, from what I can tell, and seems to have no trigger for why it has happened in this very particular moment in time, but here we are.
And even fan fiction, that one true love of my heart, whom I have managed to cling to like a barnacle through this confusing and terrifying phase, suddenly felt repetitive and boring to me this morning, this very morning, which is leading to the wild flailing that you are now currently reading in the weakly disguised form of a book review.
I read this book a while ago, and my first indication of my decreasing interest should have been my lack of desire to actually sit down and write this review. That is not to say that procrastination has not struck before. It has, multiple times, but usually it’s been beaten into submission by self-imposed deadlines, the fear that I’ll forget everything completely, or even just me wrangling my laziness under control.
This time, I read the book, which wasn’t a great book but also not a bad one, and placed it back on my bookshelf. And there it’s been, not judging me the way Pakistani books have judged me in the past decade every time I have read them and left them without commentary for too long. A stray passing thought sometimes urged me to sit down and at least find the dialogues I wanted to quote, but even seemed too boring a task.
But none of my disinterest makes any sense! By all accounts, things are going great. By some convoluted turn of coincidences, I was a facilitator recently at a literature festival where the author of the first review I had ever written was present. “I know you!” he said, when I met him. “You have that review blog! I quite like it. Really good stuff!”
Most of the times I prefer that the authors whose books I review never encounter me in real life, mostly because I can sometimes be a tad bit unforgiving with my criticism. I think of the world in which I write my reviews as a parallel dimension from where these authors will never hear of me, or of anything I might have said about their book. The things I write are meant for the readers, and my willful ignorance of the author’s existence on the same plane (or in the same internet universe) is what allows me to continue writing what I write.
In this case as well, I had pointed out flaws and inconsistencies, but also talked about the good stuff in this particular author’s book, and it was both alarming and slightly amusing to know that not only had he read what he had, he had liked it! A more visible form of encouragement I could not have encountered to come back home, sit down with my copy of The Blind Man’s Garden, and start typing. Alas, I did not.
And have continued to not do, as you are probably now realizing, if you stuck with me through the copious amount of word vomit given above, in what is the most non-review review I have probably ever written. Honestly, I don’t even remember much about this book, which is a shame because I have previously found lots to discuss in Nadeem Aslam’s The Wasted Vigil or his short story entry in Granta. The same could have been said for this book, probably, if I hadn’t felt the way that I currently feel.
Honestly, in this mood, it’s a disservice to any book published ever if I read it right now and try to review it, because I’m just not interested. This was a good book, and at the end of the day, could have done with a much better reader. Read it if you want. Or not. Who even cares anymore.