Chasing Chaos: My Decade In and Out of Humanitarian Aid

by Jessica Alexander

An eye-opening and intimate memoir about life as an international humanitarian aid worker in the field in Rwanda, Sudan, Sierra Leone, and Haiti.

Jessica Alexander arrived in Rwanda in the aftermath of the genocide as an idealist intern, excited to be a part of the international humanitarian aid community. But the world that she encountered in the field was dramatically different than anything she could have imagined. In this honest and irreverent memoir, she introduces readers to the reality of the life of an aid worker. We watch as she helps to resettle refugees in Rwanda, manages a 24,000-person camp in Darfur, and helps a former child soldier in Sierra Leone get rid of a tattoo that was carved into his skin by a rebel group. But we also see the alcoholic parties and fleeting romances, the burnouts and cyncism, the plans and priorities that constantly shift and change. Tracing her personal journey from idealistic and naïve newcomer to hardened cynic to hopeful but critical realist, Alexander transports readers to some of the most troubled locations and shows us not only the impossible challenges, but also the moments of hope and recovery.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Travel, Africa, Biography, Politics, Adventure

400 pages, Paperback

First published October 15, 2013

About the author

Over the past 12 years, Jessica Alexander has worked in humanitarian operations for the United Nations and various NGOs. She has responded to crises in Rwanda, Darfur, Sri Lanka, Indonesia, Myanmar, South Sudan, Pakistan, Haiti and the Horn of Africa. Alexander is a Fulbright Scholar who received the award to research child soldiers in Sierra Leone in 2006. Her research there was used as expert evidence in the case against Charles Taylor, former President of Libera.

Alexander is an Adjunct Professor at Columbia's Mailman School of Public Health, New York University’s Wagner School of Public Service, and the Institute of International Humanitarian Affairs at Fordham University. She received a Masters of Public Health and Master of International Affairs from Columbia University in 2005. She is pursuing her Ph.D. at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, focusing her research on accountability in humanitarian action.

She currently lives in Brooklyn, NY and works for the United Nations.

Reviews

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book! I have a difficult time reading non-fiction but I couldn’t put this one down, I guess because I’m very interested in its topic. I wish Chasing Chaos was longer, wanted to know more of Alexander’s experience in the field instead of her personal life (this definitely made the book more “fiction like” to me but in this case, and maybe easier to read but I only wanted to know more about the facts, events, programs, and hardships they faced in executing them).

I would recommend this book:
1- if you’re interested in the lives of humanitarian aid workers and humanitarian work and don’t know a lot about it.
2- if you want to become one.

It certainly offered new information -to me- on the lives of aid workers and what they experience. Now I’m trying to find every interesting book on aid work out there. But if you’re experienced and knowledgeable on these matters, you probably won’t enjoy it. This is my first and that’s probably why I found it so fascinating.

I was very curious regarding which NGOs she worked for and her trips after she decided to settle down. I wish she elaborated more on these things.

[Ed · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I’ve been in the aid business for a while, and have had many of the same experiences and felt many of the same emotions that Alexander describes here. This isn’t some self-absorbed aid worker bragging about exploits or overblowing accomplishments. This is real and her observations are spot-on. Alexander tells the reader about the frustrations, the stresses, the personal and professional challenges and the deep satisfaction and sense of purpose that working with people struggling through incredibly difficult situations often brings. I constantly found myself tracing over my own career path, what got me into humanitarian aid and what has kept me here. The only difference is that Alexander has had the courage to write about it. She does so in very accessible, intimate way that makes you feel as if you’re traveling along with her while she tells you her story. You won't want the trip to end. Highly recommended, whether you are outside the aid business or deep in it.

[Mike Robbins · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s 2005 in Darfur, western Sudan. Jessica Alexander, a young American aid worker, is woken at 5.30am by the call to prayer. The night before she put a wet towel on her forehead and soaked her pajamas so that they would keep her cool. Now she gets out of bed to face the heat again and go to one of the camps for the internally displaced. Brought to Darfur to do something else, Alexander has suddenly found herself needed to manage Al Salam, a camp of about 20,000 people. She is just 27. She now spends her days trying to ensure that new arrivals are registered and that the kids don’t drown in the sewage pits. (Not that those kids are always appealing. The African Union peacekeepers have corrupted them: “It wasn’t uncommon for them to yell ‘suck my cock’ or ‘big tits’ when white women passed,” she reports.)

Was Alexander doing any good? If not, why not, and what should we do about it? In this thoughtful book, Alexander tries to answer these questions, and I think she sort of succeeds.

Alexander hadn’t originally planned to be an aid worker. On graduation she joined a New York ad agency, thrilled with her new briefcase, a gift from her mother, and the sound of her high heels clacking as she crosses the floor of the hall. Disillusion sets in as she finds herself working on a frozen pizza account. “When I wasn’t stuffing my face with our own soggy, salty brand or comparing the fat content ...to that of our competitors, I was watching their ads,” she says. Then her mother dies. “If I could die at age fifty, I wanted a more meaningful profession than the one provided by Hot Pockets and Sunny Delight.” Alexander decides she’d like to work in aid and development. She joins the New York office of an NGO, but quickly becomes frustrated that she has never been to any of the places her colleagues are talking about. She decides to do a Masters in development, and winds up doing a summer internship with the UN in Rwanda.

It is at that point that this book takes off. Alexander finds herself transcribing people’s interviews for refugee status. She finds out that these take a long time to process, being approved in Kigali and Nairobi and going eventually to Geneva. She is also less than impressed with her fellow-expats. “Most expats lived ...in spacious houses situated behind high walls, some with barbed wire at the top ...At dinner parties like these we drank alcohol from Italy and ate cheese from France. The expats sat around, complaining that their guard was caught sleeping again....” From my own experience, this needs a pinch of salt. Not all expats in aid live like that, especially if they work for NGOs. Still, some do. And as Alexander’s career progresses, she finds the aid worker’s expat way of life bizarre. “It wasn’t out of the ordinary when in any humanitarian setting to get an e-mail with the subject line “War Children Party— Thursday Night— Festive Attire Required!” or “Center for Survivors of Torture— Fancy Dress Night Friday.”

Alexander went on to do research in Sierra Leone (she is more positive about this) and eventually to help evaluate the responses to the 2004 tsunami and the 2010 Haiti earthquake. In Colombo, she hears post-tsunami that there is actually too much money, chasing too few projects; NGOs building child centres, for example, and then competing for the children. There are also economic distortions from the influx of aid, and she meets a teacher and a judge who work for local NGOs because there’s more money in it. Meanwhile in Darfur there is too little money, and northern Uganda and Congo get no attention. In Haiti, where more than 220,000 people have been killed and approximately 180,000 homes wrecked, she finds that cars bound for aid agencies are held up in customs because (it is said) officials are getting kickbacks from car rental companies.

Working at New York HQ is no better, as she must confront the language of bureaucratic obfuscation. “Complementarity of processes, sectoral coverage, evaluability of impact, operationalization of the concept— eventually enough of these invented phrases were dropped in documents or e-mails that people stopped wondering if they held actual meaning. “Modalities are in place” was the response you got almost every time you asked how a project was progressing.” As an editor in one of the big aid organizations, I have to weed this noxious self-serving crap out of reports (I have banned the word modality). So I can confirm that Alexander has a point.

It sounds from the above as if this book telling us that all aid is a waste. In fact, Alexander is more nuanced that that. She points out that while aid may be an unregulated industry, it is a self-critical one, and it is considering its failures and increasing its transparency. She is right about this; one wishes the banks could do the same. She finishes by talking about innovations like cash transfers and mobile technology – again, this is true; UNICEF, for instance, is putting a lot of effort into innovation. Alexander also puts the aid “biz” in perspective. The sums spent are large ($ 17.9 billion on humanitarian crises worldwide in 2012) but are dwarfed by the $ 114 billion for Katrina relief, the $ 50 billion for Storm Sandy, and the $ 13.7 billion spent on the 2012 London Olympics. Neither does Alexander ever say that humanitarian aid is a waste of time. What she wants readers to understand is that aid cannot fix the world. Good government is needed too.

I did have reservations about this book. It’s a bit longer than it needs to be, and occasionally repetitive. At times Alexander is too negative about the people who work in aid. In fact some of them are profoundly committed and do lose their lives, as seven – four from UNICEF – did in a bomb explosion in Somalia in 2015. I wondered, too, if everyone in this book would really have wanted to be. Some deserve Alexander’s scrutiny, but perhaps not all. In particular, staying with a local family in Kigali, she records there was often someone’s turd floating in the toilet bowl; did she need to tell us that? I also found Alexander a little privileged at times. When she first decides she wants to do aid work, she is told to go into the Peace Corps to get some ‘field cred’. But: “I wasn’t exactly prepared to commit to living in a remote village in Burkina Faso or Guatemala for a whole two years. Not at this point, anyway.” I started as a volunteer and served for nearly five years. I also wondered whether she realised how lucky she was to get her student internship in Rwanda.

Still, she made good use of it, and has clearly not been afraid of hardship. Few people would live and work somewhere like Darfur by choice. Also, while Chasing Chaos has no literary pretensions, it’s well-written. The beginning was immediately evocative for me, as I began my own international career in Sudan, albeit many years before. I could feel the extreme heat and hear the scraping of the zinc doors, and taste the very sweet tea and imagine the bleached-white sky at midday.

And in general, I did like this book. Alexander is clear about the frustrations, and clear about their causes. She appears to be someone with values and common sense. She also accepts that while her business should not exist, it also cannot not exist, at least for now; and she is responsible and practical. Chasing Chaos is an honest and readable book about life at the sharp end of humanitarian aid. Despite some reservations, I strongly recommend it.

[Tricia Tierney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chasing Chaos is a smart, compelling memoir. Jessica Alexander pulls no punches in her examination of what has become an 'industry' -- or her own role in it. From her first days as idealistic adventurer in Darfur to her more savvy self in Haiti a decade later with many more international disasters in-between, Alexander thoughtfully captures the ups and downs of humanitarian work on both the global and personal level.

This should be required reading for any young (or old) idealist who is even thinking of venturing into the world of humanitarian assistance. You will probably still want to go - Chasing Chaos is not a cynical indictment of this growing profession - but you'll certainly be better prepared for the challenge.

[Naomi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclosure: I received this book for free through the Goodreads First Read giveaway program.

I give out many 3 and 4 star ratings, but I try to reserve my 5 star ratings for books I truly feel deserve it. This is one of those books. Yes, I did have some issues with it, but most were due to my personal feelings, and had nothing to do with the writing style or content of the book. What I mean by this, is that this particular memoir has brought up many questions that I find harder to answer now that I have read it. These questions, of course, concern humanitarian aid, and are along the lines of:

'What organizations should I donate to?'
'Should I donate funds or tangible items?'
'How do I know funds/items are going to the people who actually need them, and aren't being stolen or used irresponsibly?'
'How should I talk to someone who is involved with humanitarian aid?'

I admire the author, Jessica Alexander, for how transparent she manages to be about the pitfalls and high points of her chosen career. She does not sugar coat the work she does, and does not label herself as a hero or anything of the sort. She states it in simpler terms, and dispels notions of grandeur and romanticism that some, including me, have had about the field. I also appreciated how human she made everything. I know that is a term/phrase that is used often, but I do mean it in this instance. She paints herself in a manner that is at times less than perfect (flings with other aid workers, breaking points, moments of anger), but as a result rings truer. For that, I admire her, because I would assume it is easier to skim over such times, and focus just on the good in order to present oneself in the best light possible.

This is one I will be recommending to others, especially when it is released next month (I read the uncorrected proof, and despite knowing there would be mistakes, I had a hard time overlooking them at times). In fact, I'm handing it on to a friend who I know will appreciate it tomorrow.

[Lance Charnes · Rating 4 out of 5]

When we think of international aid workers at all, we tend to think of them in one of two ways (mostly depending on our political leanings): selfless saints or intrusive busybodies. Strangely enough, Jessica Alexander, the author of this memoir, agrees with both views after a fashion.

Chasing Chaos is Alexander's story, a recounting of her baptism-of-fire in crisis-area fieldwork for various NGOs. Her mother's death from cancer spurs her into doing something to "make a difference," which sends her to various of the world's hellholes over the following ten years. There she faces the exhilaration of handling nonstop emergencies, the bewilderment and displacement that come from being thrown headlong into alien environments, the triumph of small victories, the terror of being faced with one's own shortcomings, the seemingly endless grind of working too much to get too little done, primitive living conditions, bureaucracy, loneliness, crumbling relationships and the expat's curse of feeling as if she doesn't belong anywhere.

Alexander is a lively, engaging guide through all this. She's well aware (often too much so) of her early inexperience and her skills deficits, yet plunges in anyway with a moxie that can be infectious. She draws clear portraits of the many people who cross her path: fellow expats, coworker "nationals" (the people who call the hellhole "home"), refugees, visiting officials, the occasional hookup. Her descriptions of life in NGO compounds, refugee camps, guesthouses and no-star "hotels" are atmospheric and easy to visualize. She teaches the reader a goodly amount about how the international aid game is played without making it seem like homework. Despite the occasional sturm und drang, this is a very fast read; I polished off the almost 400 pages in a single afternoon.

My quibbles are few. The chapters concerning her brief intervals in the U.S. between assignments aren't nearly as interesting (to us or, evidently, to her) as those set in the field, though I suppose they add roughage to a narrative that sometimes risks floating away on its own airiness. While it's good that she explicitly acknowledges that at bottom, she's a privileged white New York City girl parachuting into other people's messes, she can belabor the point.

This book reminds me of nothing so much as Blowing My Cover: My Life as a CIA Spy , another tell-all memoir written by a young woman who, in a burst of idealism, joins another globe-spanning organization to do some good and is undone by the messiness of the world and the dysfunction of the agency. It's more than a little ironic that the respective authors' parent agencies -- the UN and NGOs on one hand, the CIA on the other -- could switch books and the outcomes (and narratives) would be much the same.

Chasing Chaos is for anyone who reads a newspaper and wonders what really goes on when Doctors Without Borders or Save The Children lands in the middle of a disaster or war zone to try to save the day. Like Alexander, you may come out admiring the sheer grit of the individuals in the field while shaking your head at the overwhelming scale and general hopelessness of the work they undertake. You'll probably enjoy your few hours in the author's company and be glad someone like her is around to do these things -- someone who isn't you.

[Will · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't really enjoy this book, even though I don't think the author is a particularly bad writer. I disliked this book because of its focus, which was on the personal life and experiences of the author herself; which parties she went to, which luxuries she lived without or which hardships she endured, and who she dated. There is virtually no mention of the organizations she worked for (indeed, this is kept a secret which is quite strange), or of the programmatic aspects of the work. This might be entertaining for someone who has no knowledge or interest in humanitarian work, but its hard to imagine an experienced humanitarian finding anything interesting in the pages of this book.

[bridgette larsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another memoir - this time I was excited to read this one to look ahead and see what a career in humanitarian aid might look like. I am glad I chose to work in development where many of the harsh criticisms do not apply, but I still feel that some of the remarks hit the bullseye on the shortfalls of this industry.

Living jn Fiji the last two years has exposed me to a number of accounts of useless aid, shameless voluntourism, and politically advantageous funding choices. I was glad to know that I wasn’t the only one frustrated with these decisions and that somebody had clearly and concisely written it down in an easy to read book.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book about the benefits and downfalls of Humanitarian Aid told in a very engaging way.

[kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have always dreamed of humanitarian aid work but admit I don't think I could actually "tough it out" for a longterm assignment. I love books like this that walk you through life as an aid worker; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Chasing Chaos was informative and fascinating. You get a taste of the work through the author's own experiences in the roughest of places. Interesting reading of her thoughts on burnout, the local impact of displacement camps, the counterproductivity of uncordinated interventions, and the politics and perceptions between differing organizations. I found it astonishing her honesty of not necessarely feeling called to this work but instead choosing this career path where the most accomplished and ambitious in the field travel to the most dangerous places only as a result of putting their time in in the less war-torn areas first. Strongly recommend if you like nonfiction and if humanitarian work in African countries and our greater global community interests you.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is fascinating and impossible to put down, as well as an insightful look behind the scenes of the past decade's most important humanitarian aid efforts. Jessica Alexander's story is surprisingly moving and captivating. If you liked Emergency Sex, you will love this book. Highly recommend.

[.•º°༺×Ṩสℛสℋ×༻°º•. · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who just started in this field 2 months ago, and who is eagerly waiting for the first deployment coming February, this was an amazing insight of what is to come. It also gave me good advice and guidance for my future work. I always knew how complicated aid work is, but this book helped me understand what it all entails on the ground.

[Owen Little · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite books I’ve read in recent history. At the top of my list in the Global Health category, next to Mountains Beyond Mountains.

Chasing Chaos is an incredible, entertaining, and deep analysis of Alexander’s time spent in humanitarian aid. A fantastic in depth look at the typical aid worker and how it’s not really as saintly of a profession as most people think it is. Reading this book I was ready to quit my job and join the peace corps. I’m excited for my first real mid life crisis to hit because I think I’ll join the peace corps and get into humanitarian aid.

[Nicole Overmoyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jessica Alexander doesn't want to be told how amazing the work she did and does as a humanitarian aid worker is and how much of a VIP she is. She makes that clear in Chasing Chaos that she sees herself as a very small fish in a very large pond, even after she rises to senior levels in the world of humanitarian aid.

That's what makes this book, and Alexander's story, all the more compelling.

There isn't any flowery language to hide the fact that the entire story is necessary because something has gone very wrong somewhere in the world (Rwanda, Sudan, Sierra Leone, Haiti, etc.). Things hardly ever go how we'd most like them to. But that's life.

We always say that donating our $10 straight from our smartphones to Red Cross when there's a disaster is the best we can do, and maybe it is. There's nothing wrong with donating $10 to the charity of our choice. Most times that charity will know just what to do with it.

We are little fish in a big pond. That's probably not ever going to change, for most of us, but it doesn't mean we can't do whatever we possibly can to do something that feels right.

That's what I learned from this book.

I received my uncorrected, early review copy of Chasing Chaos through the Google FirstReads giveaway program. I'm incredibly happy I had the chance to read this book and I plan to tell everyone willing to listen that they should read it.

[Ines · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was reccommended this book by a colleague in the field (take a wild guess which field), and I can confidently say that this book truly changed me and changed my perspective on humanitarian aid, even as someone who works in it.

This book is incredibly well written. It follows nicely and easily just like a fictional stories. The descriptions are moving, I could imagine myself strolling the streets of Kigali, or finding my way through the refugee camp in Darfur. Alexander gives a soul to her writing and I don’t feel the same depthness in all the authors I read, especially those who write about their own lives. I found myself transported in her reality, I was thinking about Sudan and Indonesia, long after I closed the book and was doing my own thing.

As someone who works in the headquarters for an NGO, I am rarely exposed to the field and what happens in a daily basis. And as someone who works in government relations, this truly solidified my discipline and motivation to continue in this path. There are so many components to the humanitarian aid system, and not a single person will be able to fix all the flaws in it, but my conclusion from this story is that if there is no political will, you could offer all the jerry cans and build all the tents and give free medicine to everyone, and it still would not systematically change a conflict or rebuild after a disaster. It all comes down to political will.

I absolutely loved this book. A 5/5 read for me.

[Kelli Wagner · Rating 5 out of 5]

“My experiences make me neither better nor worse, just slightly more adrift, straddling chaos and misery in one hand, peace and privilege on the other.”
One of my favorite descriptions of the feelings that linger after aid work.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

A tremendously gripping and anecdotal narrative of the author’s work in international aid in Rwanda, Haiti, and other countries in desperate straits. Jessica Alexander is a newly minted college graduate who decides to go into international aid as a vocation. This narrative offers a daily account of the work she does.

She discovers right away after landing in Rwanda exactly how rigorous and sometimes defeating this line of work is going to be. She works with a European national who thinks all Africans are lazy. She encounters a horse, “all skin and grief,” serving as a pack animal for one family. The animal looks like it could die any day.

In North Darfur, trying to reassemble the country after the vicious slaughter of the Tutsi minority by the Hutu majority that left the surviving population 70 percent female, she works with a Rwandan who can’t pronounce the name Jessica and instead calls her Testicle. She passes through checkpoints that are mere string stretched between two twigs, seeing Rwandans wearing donated T-shirts saying, “Don’t mess with Texas” and “Shit happens.”

Every experience is new to her, and she describes them in excellent, often staggering detail. Once a person is in, she says, the situation grabs at you and you find it hard to leave. When she returns to New York for a break, she is put off by the naïve racism of her friends: “Do they all wear dreadlocks?” “How can you tell them apart?” The crowning comment comes after she falls in love with a Rwandan man and wants him to come to New York to meet her family. “What if he robs a bank?” A girlfriend asks her. “ROBS A BANK?” she counters incredulously.

Later, in Sri Lanka and Indonesia, she sees the well-meaning stupidity of American donors who send a box full of teddy bears and Santa Claus costumes for the children when they need food, drink, and safe shelter. She sees supposedly well-meaning college students and church members on spring break who wear self-aggrandizing T-shirts crowing about their benevolence to these benighted people and ultimately doing very little good, taking selfies of themselves holding an emaciated child as if it were a trophy of their trip.

The book is hard to put down. Alexander pulls no punches in describing the awfulness of the conditions and her reaction to every new dysfunction. She is a very empathetic worker who finds her heart broken many times by the hardships she witnesses. She is greatly loved by the people she’s helping.

This is a GREAT book. Everyone should read it for a realistic look at what happens after great disasters in these countries.

[Diana Ishaqat · Rating 2 out of 5]

Prepare for migraine once you're done with the book. I was excepting more critical reviews on Goodreads, surprised that this has 4 stars and is considered such a references for the sector.

I understand why people consider it a must read, but not because it's good or realistic, but because it largely portrays what's wrong in the civil society: people motivated by the 'exotic' adventures of others into places struck by war and disaster, knowing they're not experienced to talk on roles (how the hell does someone does an evaluation of a crisis response at that career stage??) yet going for it, and expecting that there's a red carpet waiting for them.

Here are my takes.

The good:

The author appears more self-aware towards the end of the book. It is true, the sector is plagued by inequality (e.g local vs. expat salaries), inefficiency (resources vs. application), and is often a part of the problem because it's a cycle and humanitarian work becomes a market governed by similar forces as any other market does. Organizations invite people to work but can't offer basic living conditions for many capable and well-intending folks.

The bad:

I can't believe the author is a teacher. I'm hoping that this is just a book that didn't age well (not that the sector's problems were solved in the last 10 years, but that this is not how people are taught by an 'expert'). The lack of self-awareness, the way she talks about the conditions of local communities like it's something they're somehow used to, the condescending and insensitive tone addressing Hijab and athan- come on. You came to them to earn money you wouldn't make at home without them, not the other way around.

The bit where she talks about US soldiers "fighting Al Qaeda in Iraq"- can you also add the loss the Iraqi population suffered, all the pain, separation, destruction and torture people endured too since you're a humanitarian rather than only talking about how they look like innocent charming boys? The book was published 10 years into the invasion of Iraq.

I could say a lot more but the suggestion that it is NGOs giving local people jobs not NGOs getting money in the first place because of war and disasters the countries where they are based have likely caused or allowed to escalate (??) and that without war and disaster they would have anyway have not had careers or jobs, ever considered that they had lives before you arrived and that this mindset is prolonging the conflict to squeeze out every penny?

I’m giving two stars because I think that people should still read and understand why locals object to the way things are done.

[Ari · Rating 4 out of 5]

IQ: "Aid procedures weren't developed out of a lack of compassion; in fact, they specifically took into account how easily compassion could lead us and people like James astray. Aid workers aren't just a bunch of people doing the first nice thing that came into their heads. Sympathy was a shortsighted emotion: it told you to make the pain stop now, and so you went with the quick fixes. Because you wanted your pain to stop, too: you didn't want to be someone who stood by, seemingly idle, while human beings suffered" (310).

I don't think I was hopelessly naive about the aid world but I definitely wasn't super jaded and in-the-know. After reading this book I'm not destroyed by cynicism about international development but rather I'm encouraged after getting a sustained glance into the real lives of those who 'chase' disasters (so to speak). I tend to view those folks as not-normal but I thought the author did a great job of showing that while aid workers do amazing work (most of the time) that we all (most of us) admire, they also have human urges. I figured fear was part of the equation and being burned out but they also have to check their impulse to help everyone they meet, they have sex lives and make some very grey-area type decisions when managing their projects. I don't think people think aid work is easy, they just don't know how it works at all.

International development/aid work is a field that I am very interested in pursuing and I found it interesting to follow along as the author traced how the field had evolved just in the past decade. More and more people in that career field are getting master's degrees and contrary to popular opinion aid workers are constantly trying to find ways to be more efficient. The author doesn't hold anything back (unlike in say a political memoir) and her memories refreshed my own as she talked about her time in Darfur, Sierra Leone and Haiti. The book was so honest that I'm not sure I liked the ending. But it's the author's life and I guess as long as we have people who can balance being addicted to wanting to help with actually being competent enough to help, aid work should continue to be ok. I remain optimistic that it will get better and better (meaning more efficient). It is making a big difference and really sees its successes touted.

[Niffer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book for free through a Goodreads First Reads giveaway.

I picked up this book last night intending to start it and read for maybe half an hour before I called home to chat with my folks. Two hours later I realized I still hadn't called my folks. I made my call, had a good chat, then hung up and picked this book up. I finished it a little after midnight. It's that kind of book.

This is a memoir of a woman who works in the humanitarian aid industry. It is honest and blunt about the realities of the work she and so many others do. It talks about the stress, the burnout, the frustration, and the feelings of hopelessness that are inherent to the field. It talks bluntly about the parties and alcohol and hook ups that occur and the difficulties of maintaining healthy and meaningful relationships. It talks about the strain of being in countries where the threat of war or weather is constant and the workers think longingly of home--and yet when they return home they often feel unable to identify with what should be comfortable and familiar.

But more than all that it talks about the realities of humanitarian aid:the competing organizations, the donations that may be well intentioned but are realistically useless, and the frustrations of trying to explain to outsiders what aid is helpful versus what is not.

I want to say this book is worth reading but I think that doesn't do it justice. This is a book that *should* be read. This is an important book that addresses real issues faced by hundreds of thousands of people every day. Some of it isn't easy to read. Some of it is stuff people may not agree with or may not want to know about. But it should be read. Because we all should be aware of what is going on.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book through FirstReads.

While reading about the horrors faced by people living in war-torn countries and regions affected by natural disasters isn't easy, Alexander walks with you through the common emotions and thoughts. Her naivety at the beginning of her career echoes with common misconceptions about aid work but she progresses to know more on the subject than most of her readers can ever know.

I had no idea of the level of the intricacy involved in humanitarian aid, from the cost of dealing with unwanted donations, to the potentially negative health effects of giving formula to mothers of infants, to the bureaucracy involved with different aid organizations all fighting for aid money and publicity. I appreciated Alexander's critique of short-term missions and the way she portrayed the communities she served as made up of real people with disrupted lives.

I think this is an important book for people who are unaware of humanitarian aid as an industry and for those who want to know how to best help (or not hurt) in the midst of crises.

[Moon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! It is one thing to watch it on the news, it's quite another thing to hear about what happens from the mouth of someone who was over there, living it and helping them. I learned so much while reading this book... I can't believe what happens to fellow humans on this planet, but thank God we have people like Jessica Alexander. I think this book will inspire young people to help and be more a part of hands on helping.

I am so lucky to have won this on goodreads!

p.s. new hobby: reading everything on rwanda I can :)

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

In Chasing Chaos (Early Reviewer’s copy), Jessica Fuller recounts her past ten years in the humanitarian field going to such places as Rwanda, Darfur, and Haiti. While she does talk her about her experiences in the field, a large portion of the book seems to focus on some of the downsides such as lack of personal relationships, inter-aid office politics, and the misconception of what it means to actually “help” someone. I found it to be quite an interesting read and a must for anyone wanting to offer assistance abroad.

[Tim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Published in 2013, this excellent portrait of humanitarian work and the involved personal and professional difficulties could‘ve held my attention for another 400 pages.

Jessica Alexander is the perfect narrator: Starting off as a young intern in 1994‘s post-genocidal Rwanda, she slowly moves through a decade’s worth of humanitarian hells like Darfur, Sierra Leone, Banda Aceh, and Haiti. Her book is filled with both rational and emotional analysis of the hybris and struggles involved in trying to live a temporary life abroad, helping where help seems impossible, staying optimistic where setbacks are daily business. Alexander eventually ends up back in New York, where to this day she works for the United Nations and teaches scholars in humanitarian aid. Well done.

[Jovana · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5/5

This book was a required reading in one of my political science courses that examines politics in the "developing world." After reading it, I completely understand why my professor would assign this book for our class: it's informative, eye-opening, and presents a different perspective on humanitarian aid. I think anyone who wants to work in the field of humanitarian aid, or anyone who has an interest in working for a charity, NGO or UN organization should read this book.

[Stoic Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

A compelling narrative, Chasing Chaos had me from first page to last. Reading this book is likely to make the would-be aid worker feel both awed and a little frightened. I have always been fascinated by humanitarian workers and I thought: "They have the best job in the world." They get to travel everywhere and help alleviate people's unimaginable suffering. Here, Jessica Alexander recalled her decade in and out in humanitarian aid from war torn countries like Rwanda, Sudan, Sierra Leone to the nature's cruelest disaster in Sri Lanka, Indonesia and Haiti. She had seen the worst but also witness unbelievable resilience and strength. She made perilous decisions vacillating between "chasing chaos" or staying put and build a stable life. But what's really striking was her take on the value or impact of humanitarian aid from the perspective of an insider. She emphasized that it's not a big cuddling, smiling, hugging, let-me-be-your-savior world as other perceived it but like any other industry, it could also be driven with personal interest, cutthroat competition and self-aggrandizement.

[Taylor Tran · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insider’s view to boots-in-the-ground humanitarian work. Helpful to anyone interested in “doing good.”

[Steven Rigg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating and informative. Has me both pumped and a little daunted to have a career in humanitarian aid

[Eric]

Opened my eyes to the complexities of humanitarian aid

[Katie P · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book, definitely would recommend! Found it so interesting and insightful and confirmed a lot of things I’ve learn about the aid and development word