French Parents Don't Give in: Practical Tips for Raising Your Child the French Way

by Pamela Druckerman

Pamela Druckerman offers a practical handbook of helpful and fun short tips to bring up your child à la française, with advice about feeding (including meal plans and recipes from French creches), sleeping, dealing with tantrums and other bad behaviour, and more.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, France, Childrens, Family, Self Help, Audiobook

160 pages, Hardcover

First published February 1, 2013

About the author

Pamela Druckerman is an American journalist and the author of Bringing Up Bébé (The Penguin Press: 2012); the U.K. version of the same book - French Children Don’t Throw Food (Doubleday UK: 2012); and Lust In Translation (The Penguin Press: 2007).

From 1997 to 2002 she was a staff reporter at The Wall Street Journal, based in Buenos Aires, São Paulo and New York. Her Op-eds and articles have since appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian, The Observer, the Financial Times, New York Magazine, Monocle and Marie Claire. She has been a commentator on the Today Show, National Public Radio, Public Radio International, Al Jazeera International, BBC Women’s Hour, the CBC, CNBC, and Oprah.com.

Pamela has a Master of International Affairs from Columbia University. She has studied (with varying degrees of success) French, Spanish, Portuguese, Japanese and Hebrew, and has trained in improvisational comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade and Chicago City Limits. She lives in Paris.

Reviews

[Amy Formanski Duffy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved Bringing Up Bebe and this is a little guidebook of the most important tips from that book. It works as a refresher for those who want to follow the author's model of French parenting, or a guide for other caregivers.

I'm reluctant to talk about parenting with anyone nowadays. It seems similar to politics or religion. No matter what your opinion is, someone will disagree with you and get pissed off. So I hesitate to say too much about my opinions. Seriously, people get crazy about parenting philosophies. They're right, and the rest of the world is wrong! :) But I agree with the author that Americans tend to center their world around their children, sometimes to everyone's detriment. The kids sometimes end up thinking they're the center of the universe, or they just don't know how to be independent because they're used to their parents doing EVERYTHING for them.

But whether you agree with all of her opinions or not, I think we can all get behind the idea that kids should be polite, they should be considerate of others, and they need structure. Parents need sleep, alone time, and couple time. You can't let your relationship fall by the wayside. And kids need to develop at their own pace, with some downtime everyday. Being overscheduled will drive the entire family nuts.

So I think she offers a lot of practical tips. Of course, my kid is only 3 months old, so it will be awhile before I can test a lot of these theories. But I dig where she's coming from. I want to raise a confident, independent, polite child.

[Leanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I avoided Bring Up Bebe because, seriously, we're going to make broad generalizations about a whole society's parenting habits again?? Sometimes it seems like the parenting practices echo chamber is just demanding its newest sacrifice. But. I subsequently read so many positive reviews of it that I decided to dip my toe in the water and picked up this (much shorter) book.

And, ok, I don't think the parenting practices advocated herein, or at least most of them, are particularly "French." But they are, at least in my humble opinion, good sense. (Except for the bit in here about thinking of men as just a poor bumbling other species that can't remember child-related things. Because, no. That's both ridiculous and offensive.)

So, yeah! Generally good ideas (with some spectacularly bad ones just to make sure you're still paying attention!) and didn't make me feel judged = three stars. Plus bonus recipes!

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

The full-length book (French Kids Don't Throw Food) was a far more enjoyable read but this was a nice little reminder.

[Gabrielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A practical, no-nonsense (and may I add validating) handbook with 100 tips on how French parenting is different (and more effective) than American parenting styles.Some of my favorites included talking to your baby like an actual person, having the children eat what you eat at mealtimes, allowing lots of time for children to play, and treating children like members of the family, not the central force of it. I found this book refreshing and pragmatic but was disappointed in its one- sidedness. This book was obviously written for mothers and, like most parenting books, assumes the father does not play as important a role. The tips in this book were great but by excluding tips for dads it commits the same error in logic that most parenting books (and styles) do.

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

Granted the book is intentionally slim, but there is a surprising lack of depth and explanation for why to parent her recommended way. Then the persistent giving of credit to the "French" like some mystical enlightened people up in the clouds becomes so repetitive it betrays the author and hints to the amount of fluff injected into the book.

The author makes the French out to be some sort of religious figure and the parenting style should be taken on faith.

On the other hand, this book is a fresh counter to the over parenting fad that has hit a certain social class (the ones that read parenting books). Some people in this group haven't yet grown up and realized that parenting isn't easy and the parents are obliged to perform the duties of parents even if it upsets the little ones. The author was spot on when she commented on how some parents try to get social leverage and bonus points for going out of their way to sacrifice for their children.

Trying to raise an "attachment baby" is destructive, especially when the parents keep the child in a family bed for a year, won't let the child cry longer than 10 seconds, and not forgo feedings in the middle of the night after 100 days. Doing this steals away important lessons for how the child can cope with itself and reality. Just as the author says, you have to make hard choices, that will both benefit the child as well as the parents.

The book is okay. I would have liked to see more examples of how to praise and discipline specific child behaviors.

[Elena · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the author's first book on French parenting, Bringing Up Bébé, and had been wanting to review some of the advice she gave in that book, so I figured this would be the easiest way to do that. This slim book is basically all the advice in the latter book without her own experience the first few years as an American mom living in Paris. Also, the journalistic research was incredibly simplified compared to the first book. I didn't realize, until I started reading this guide, how much those two things she took out really mattered to me and enhanced the suggestions she offered in parenting the French way. Since there were so many "keys" to mention in this book, I think the author must have felt the need to severely shrink down the lessons into bite-size bits to fit all one-hundred lessons into this guide. I felt it was a lot more judgmental and focused too much on touchy topics such as returning to pre-baby body weight, which can easily mom-shame a woman who is already struggling on her own without an author reminding her. Without her experiences, the anecdotes of French parents, and research that cushioned the French parenting tips and helped to explain them more gently, some of the lessons seemed cold, materialistic, frivolous, and condescending. That said, there were plenty of lessons I did enjoy that had a lot of common sense and practical application. These were ones that stuck out while I read the original book as well. I journaled about seventeen of the one-hundred that I felt I could implement. These included: preparing children when a rule will be enforced (ex: reminding them as you head to the grocery store that they cannot get any toys or candy), training children to speak well and respect adults by greeting them first before they run to play with friends or cousins, encouraging children to help around the house to give them a sense of responsibility and ownership, and balancing structured (educational) with unstructured (free) play to allow them to discover the world on their own). If you are interested in French parenting (and how it differs widely but also has similarities to the most common American parenting styles), I would suggest reading Bringing Up Bébé since the context is definitely helpful in deciphering the keys or lessons she offers. If you are specifically interested in how French parents avoid picky eating in children, then I would suggest French Kids Eat Everything by Karen Le Billon, which is more helpful than the one or two chapters Druckerman spends on this topic in both books (since she is covering so much).

Rating: G

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Charming and very wise. A quick, readable synopsis of the principles of Bringing Up Bébé, perfect for handing to a spouse or grandparent who may not be likely to read the whole book. It is still early for us, but I intend to take much of Druckerman’s advice to heart (dovetailing so neatly with what I already admire from Montessori and Magda Gerber/RIE), and I am thankful for the reminder of these clear-eyed, sensible, and sage parenting principles at this stage.

[Yoanna Mladenova · Rating 4 out of 5]

За свръх протективните американски семейства това може би е напълно задължително четиво; за мен беше по-скоро напомняне, че понякога децата са по-силни и по-можещи, отколкото мислим.
Едва ли има общовалидно ръководство за отглеждане на деца, но тук са синтезирани някои добри идеи - да даваме свобода на децата, но и да бъдем строги за важните неща. И най-важното - понякога нещата не се случват както на нас ни се иска и това е съвсем нормално.

[Person · Rating 2 out of 5]

"Men, don't look at your wife's vagina during birth, lest she lose her feminine mystique."

Lose me with this mysogynistic crap. Are you also going to not take care of her when she's sick and throwing up because it's "gross and undoes her feminine mystique"? What if she's lactating everywhere and crying and in need of help? Women are not these mysterious animals, we're all humans, why is it so bad to recognize and connect over that? This amount of hiding "gross" stuff creates toxic shame. "Except when you can't hide it anymore, ladies, like when you're giving birth! So instead of trying to hide it, let's just tell the men not to look!" Ugh.

Some of the points are ok. Eat mostly vegetables. Don't helicopter parent. But some of these points are so ridiculously mysogynistic (and misandrist too, "treat men like they're poor dumb creatures that don't understand anything, poor men") that I can't recommend this book at all.

[Pauline · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book; it's a quick read, with one entry per page and covering 10 aspects of parenting: pregnancy, babyhood, sleep, food, learning, patience, the cadre i.e parenting framework, motherhood, couple relationship and authority.

Some entries really stood out and inspired me(most of the stuff on patience, the cadre and authority), others fit the 'common sense' approach I adhere to anyway, some seemed to address a culture i am clearly not a part of (do some parents really say yes to all their children's demands?), some I disliked and/or disagreed with strongly (No 86 'Fathers are a separate species', is very patronising to men and seems to imply parenting haplessness is to be expected).

But on the whole, a little book I can recommend to people.

I will probably write a fuller review on my blog in the next few days to expand on my most and least favourite entries.

[Courtney Sieloff]

There is much truth in Druckerman's writing. To be fair, I only read her first book and The Happiest Baby on the Block. Not reading all of the neurosis-inducing books has kept me a very calm parent, and as my kid approaches his first birthday, I am genuinely glad I read this. I totally recommend. Stop hovering and let your kid explore already.

[Kara · Rating 3 out of 5]

📖 Just a shortened version of the original book

[Annette Hjelm · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jag fullkomligt älskade Pamela Druckermans förra bok, Franska barn kastar inte mat, och har recenserat den här. Till skillnad från den tidigare boken har den här ett upplägg som mer liknar en manual med 100 specifika råd som utmärker franskt föräldraskap, utan författarens personliga upplevelser och kommentarer. Boken är liten och snabbläst, men förvånansvärt innehållsrik. Den täcker in och ger många inspirerande exempel från franskt föräldraskap, såsom graviditet, småbarnstid, sömn, mat och föräldrarelationen.

Sömn

Jag gissar att många som har småbarn undrar hur franska föräldrar får sina barn att sova hela nätterna redan vid fyra månaders ålder, det får de nämligen. Författaren hänvisar till sömnvetenskap och beskriver hur små barn sover i korta cykler. I slutet av varje cykel vaknar ofta bebisar och gråter litet. ”Nyckeln till att ditt barn skall kunna sova längre perioder är att han, på egen hand, lär sig koppla ihop sina sovcykler.” ”Så från att ditt barn är några veckor, avvakta litet när han gråter på natten. Vänta och se, kanske är det just den här natten som ditt barn knäcker sovkoden och dyker rakt in i nästa sömncykel helt på egen hand, utan hjälp från någon. Om du direkt rusar in och tar upp honom kommer han inte att ha en chans att utveckla sin nya färdighet. Kanske är din bebis inte redo ännu att koppla ihop sina cykler. Men om du inte pausar får du inte veta och det får inte ditt barn heller.”

De flesta råden i boken framstår som så enkla och självklara. Att Druckerman dessutom ger logiska och trovärdiga förklaringar till varför franska föräldrar gör på ett visst sätt, är en stor fördel i förhållande till andra böcker om föräldraskap. Den här boken hade jag velat läsa innan vi fick barn.

Mat

”Tänk dig en värld där familjemiddagar är trevliga, där barnen äter samma mat som sina föräldrar, och få barn blir överviktiga. Den världen är Frankrike.” I Frankrike börjar man med puread spenat, morot, zucchini och andra grönsaker när barnen är sex månader. Sedan går de över till frukt, kött och fisk. De försöker visa barnen glädjen med att äta. I Frankrike pratar man om mat. Det ingår i hur man övertygar sina barn om att vi äter inte bara för näringens skull – det är en upplevelse för alla sinnen!

Exempel på vad barn som är 13-18 månader äter till lunch då de går i Sveriges motsvarighet till förskola i Paris:

Förrätt: Fint riven ekologisk morotssallad
Huvudrätt: Hackad laxfilé utan ben i citron- och dillsås
Sidorätt: Broccolipuré
Ost: Chèvre
Dessert: Inbakat ekologiskt äpple

I Frankrike småäts det inte mellan måltiderna. Bakar man en kaka äter man den först till mellanmålet på eftermiddagen. Vid måltiderna ställs grönsakerna fram först. Om barnen inte småätit under dagen kommer de att vara hungriga och då är det troligare att de äter. ”Om du behandlar barnet som en äventyrare som ihop med dig utforskar matens okända land, så är det något hon till slut kommer att bli. Å andra sidan, om du låter henne peta i maten och bara äta makaroner och en banan då och då, så är det så hon kommer att bli.”

Tålamod

Franska barn får lära sig tålamod. Barnen får lära sig att vänta några sekunder eller minuter medan föräldrarna exempelvis avslutar ett pågående samtal. Om din dotter vill att du skall inspektera hennes torn av toarullar, förklara att du kommer om några minuter när du avslutat det du håller på med. Det gör ditt liv lugnare, men det är också en viktig lärdom för ditt barn att hon inte är universums medelpunkt. Tålamod behöver tränas. Ju mer träning, desto bättre blir man på det.

Jag har diskuterat bokens innehåll med andra, och fått mina misstankar bekräftade; frågor som gäller föräldraskap och barnuppfostran är väldigt känsliga ämnen. Flera har reagerat med att lyfta fram att aga skulle vara anledning till att man i Frankrike lyckas med exempelvis att få barnen att sova hela nätterna och att äta samma sak som vi vuxna. Läser man Druckermans bok inser man att så inte alls är fallet, aga är inte det hemliga knepet. Franska föräldrar verkar helt enkelt ha en annan syn på barnet och familjen än vi. Till exempel litar franska föräldrar på att barn är rationella, att man kan kombinera några få regler med stor frihet. Man skall lyssna noga på barnen, men inte följa deras minsta vink. Det gynnar varken barnen, resten av familjen eller omgivningen.

Franska barn – de hemliga knepen är lika välskriven som Franska barn kastar inte mat. Jag saknar dock författarens betraktelser från sitt eget familjeliv, i gränslandet mellan amerikanskt och franskt föräldraskap, från den förra boken. De var som små kåserier och väldigt underhållande. Som en lättläst, innehållsrik manual för hur man exempelvis får barnen att sova redan vid fyra månaders ålder, att våga utforska matens okända land och att utveckla sitt tålamod fyller dock den här boken mer än väl sitt syfte. En halv till en sida ägnas åt varje specifikt råd. Det är alldeles lagom för att snabbt och enkelt få en klar bild av både hur man kan gå till väga och varför.

Några avsnitt som handlar om relationen mellan barnets föräldrar är jag inte lika imponerad över som dem som gäller barnet. ”Försök att mildra din feministiska teori med lite gammaldags fransk pragmatism. Fransyskor skulle vara förtjusta om deras partner gjorde mer, men har accepterat en uppdelning av hushållsarbete som inte är helt jämställd, men ändå fungerar, mer eller mindre. De har upptäckt att konflikterna blir färre när alla har sitt uppdrag på hemmaplan – även om de faktiska timmar som går åt inte är exakt lika många.” Även om det kanske fungerar så här i praktiken för många av oss i Sverige också, får avsnittet mig att studsa. Det är ett märkligt råd, att man som kvinna bör bita ihop och ta huvudansvaret för arbetet i hemmet för att bevara husfriden.

Precis som den tidigare boken Franska barn kastar inte mat, har den här boken en lång källförteckning. Författaren har gjort ett grundligt utredningsarbete och resultaten är både trovärdiga och tankeväckande. Jag har fått många aha-upplevelser under läsningen, och framför allt inser jag att vår familj hade kunnat ha en behagligare småbarnstid om vi följt flera av de råd som ges i boken.

♥

[Kevin Leung · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have seen people publish books that are summaries of other books, like a "7 Habits in 7 Minutes" or something like that. I don't think you should read this book like that.

In the intro, Druckerman mentions that readers requested a shorter manual version of "Bringing Up Bebe" to give to a friend or caregiver. Maybe it would work for those readers, but I wouldn't suggest it as such. "Bringing Up Bebe" is a delightful and easy read, and I feel like just reading "Bebe Day By Day" would miss the context that makes any of the 100 tips really meaningful.

That being said, reading this book after "Bringing Up Bebe" was a nice review of the key ideas. Even so, I wouldn't recommend just sitting down too read it: it's perhaps too dense. I recommend reading it slowly–maybe a tip every day. Take the time to meditate on the advice and let it serendipitously strike you at the right moment to put it into practice.

[Tiffany Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parenting books are some of my favorite nonfiction genres to read. And this author doesn’t disappoint.
I read the original Bringing up Bebe a few years ago and loved it. (There was a tiny bit of foul language and a few things I didn’t agree with but spit out the seeds and eat the watermelon ya know?)
100 keys to French Parenting was amazing and I recommend it to anyone who wants to have kids/has kids.

[Петър Стойков · Rating 4 out of 5]

Памела Дръкерман беше написала една чудесна книга за това как французите си възпитават децата. Сега е издала и кратък наръчник с основните идеи от тази книга. Разбира се, оригиналът е къде по-интересен, но наръчникът, мисля също би бил доста полезен.

Тея неща си ги мисля аз, като човек който не само няма деца, ами и гледа да стои възможно най-далеч от тях.

[Emma Whear · Rating 5 out of 5]

For readability, this book takes the cake. It's literally Duckerman's "Bringing up Bebe" distilled into 100 points, which is ideal for discussing and reviewing.

Since I'm a huge fan of Duckerman (I've read "Bebe" twice) and am 1/4 of the way to becoming a mom, this was a breezy review of my favorite things about her work.

[Emma Hinkle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book condenses insights from the French parenting book that Druckerman wrote into small bite-size nuggets. I enjoyed the main book more, but this is a good primer if you do not have time to read a full book and want to still learn how the French approach parenting differently.

[Sarah Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Same advice, just concise.

[Nghi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perfect companion book to Bringing Up Bebe. Like most how-to manuals, it’s sage in a short and sweet manner.

[Caroline Fiore · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read and revisit. Basically a spark notes to French parenting.

[Hanna Muche · Rating 4 out of 5]

Taking credit for this since my book was a two-for-one :) Was a summary of the first book in a more chewable format.

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Between using this as a reference and reading the full Bringing Up Bébé book first, I actually feel like I have learned a lot. Common sense, practical, and reassuring. I feel more confident and equipped to be a better parent after reading these books!

[Megan Isabelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Agreed with nearly everything in this book but to a point where I didn’t learn anything new

[Halli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enjoyed the distillation of "Bringing up Bebe." Would recommend.

[ThomyZ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reading this book (apparently a condensed version of another book by the same author) makes one wonder how Americans raise their children. As a German raised in the 80s and 90s, with a background in early childhood education, there is really nothing groundbreaking about this, and the amount of credit given to the "frenchness" of parenting advice that can mostly be summed up as common sense is irritating.

As for the truly French parenting staple of letting others care for your child once he or she is a few months old: there are quite a few experts at this point who call into question the "benefits" of these methods. Also, the book's messages about gender roles are weirdly antiquated at best.

[Dean_o · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ein kleiner, kompakter Ratgeber für eine bessere Erziehung von Kindern und damit auch für ein entspannteres Zusammenleben.

Ich bin zwar selbst noch kein Vater, aber ich arbeite beruflich mit Kindern bis 6 Jahre.
Das Buch hat mich in meiner vorhandenen Denkweise bestärkt und mich ermutigt sie mit ruhigem Gewissen weiter durchzuführen, auch oder gerade weil man immer wieder Eltern sieht die keiner klaren Struktur folgen und sich von ihren Kindern auf der Nase herumtanzen lassen.
Auch die Kapitel über gesunde Ernährung von früh auf an fand ich sehr interessant. Man erzieht das Kind eben zu ungesundem Essen.

Ich würde diesen kleinen Ratgeber auf jeden Fall an (werdende) Eltern und jeden der sich mit Kindern beschäftigt empfehlen!

[Vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Druckerman is an American raising her three small children in France, and she was struck by the differences between her own American brand of parenting and the French. As a journalist, she set out to investigate the French society that produces "good sleepers, gourmet eaters, and mostly calm parents" in Bringing Up Bebe. This book is a distillation of the French parenting lessons she learned, or, "the national conventional wisdom." Druckerman is the first to acknowledge that she is a journalist, not a parenting expert, but her observations were often backed up by parenting research (as you can see in the book's surprisingly lengthy bibliography). As Americans, we have a tendency to think our way is the best--or only--way to do things, but there is much we can learn about parenting from other cultures, including the French. This is not to say that France is full of perfect parents or children, any more than America is, but there is some wonderful common sense at work in France. I learned a lot about myself as I read, mostly how my ideas about parenting are largely the product of the times--societal beliefs and pressures--many of which are not helpful.

Excerpt from the introduction:

"The main reason why French parenting is relevant to us now is that it's a kind of mirror image of what's been happening in America. We tend to think we should teach kids cognitive skills, such as reading, as soon as possible. They focus on 'soft' skills like socializing and empathy in the early years. We want kids to be stimulated a lot; they think downtime is just as crucial. We often hesitate to frustrate a child; they think a child who can't cope with frustration will grow up miserable. We're focused on the outcomes of parenting; they think the quality of the eighteen years or so you spend living together counts for a lot too. We tend to think long-term interrupted sleep, routine tantrums, picky eating, and constant interruptions are mostly inevitable when you have little kids. They believe these things are--please imaging me saying this in a French accent--impossible."

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I am firmly planted in the "Think for yourself, do your own thing" parenting camp, I love the sensibility that the author witnesses in the French people she observes. My husband and I read this book aloud to each other on a long car trip. The book is very short, but we took time to read, process, and then discuss in length the "keys" that the author writes about. We may not be on board with everything (French teenagers have their very own private lives? And even sex lives? Hmmm...) The family-centered, framework-driven, almost laid-back approach to parenting really resonates with us.

Aside from my feelings on Druckerman's philosophy and content, this is a very well organized, very short read that I enjoyed. She outlines keys to French parenting in an instructional fashion, as opposed to the story-telling method she used in her previous book, Bringing Up Bebe. It's short, sweet, and can be consumed in small doses.

[Michelle Brosi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not a parent, so it feels a little wrong reviewing a parenting book. Especially when discussing parenting philosophies are akin to discussing religion or politics. Seems like a big no-no to talk about it, and everyone's defenses rise immediately. But, this book seems to go back to good parenting common sense. Your child is not and should not be the center of your world. There are 100 keys broken down into 10 chapters over a main topic. Pregnancy, babies, sleeping, eating, waiting/patience, conflicts, "free to be you and moi", balance, couple time, and saying Non. I work in a school, so these all made sense to me, but are not what mainstream American families practice. Of course, this may change if I have kids, but for now they seem like good guidelines to strive for.