Guy With Furious Hair or ~ The Toga Party ~
Little of this life has been spent considering death.
Paternal grandparents never known died as words on the page of a letter received long after the event; maternal grandparents took their leave in hospital, Grandfather of emphysema when his grandchild was barely a teenager with no interest in a crabby and decaying invalid, Grandmother years later of organ failure and senility surrounded by those of the family that were bothered to make the trek to her bedside. Spurred on by a sense of belated filial obligation, an unusually helpful secretary was requested to arrange a flight, but the demands of the-then corporate schedule made no impact on Grandmother; she failed to wait for her grandchild's appearance before giving up the ghost.
Parents lingered long past their statistically valid expiry dates, but refused to be a burden on their offspring, electing instead to eke out their final moments together in a well-appointed institution, and passing, each within days of the other, into eternal slumber.
Thus has death made a muted impression and only with its approach can the recollection of the one time it had attempted a vocal digression, of sorts, occur.
It was the beginning of second year at University, the night of the orientation week Toga Party, a ritual event known for raucous and drunken brawling, trawling, and eventual pawing, some of it culminating in goring, some of it in scoring, almost all of it in snoring. Linen (when not rubber) sheathed throngs stumbling, sometimes linked in song, sometimes linked by beverage, through the shadowed spaces between the silhouettes of the Great Hall and the Quadrangle, the Arts building and the Natural History block, Human Movements and Agricultural Sciences. Floodlights bathing the oval and stadium with a savage intensity, rendering the outlines of the drinking tents crisp and coloured, revealing all the subterfuge and sabotage in which teams, whose origins are a mystery of the University’s history, each with their own coterie of cacophonous condoners, compete in the chariot relay races being held at midnight. The losing team dumped in the river surrounding the peninsula on which the campus is sited, the winners drenched in cheap champagne and beer, and hoisted on shoulders to be paraded around the stadium, carrying the Horse of Triumph, a grotesque equine effigy stabled in the bowels of the Student Union offices during the year and led out for the dubious honour of this annual spectacle.
Via the lack of virtue bequeathed by impoverished school grades, a place in an Economics degree, the poor relation to Business, Information Systems, and Accounting, has been secured, as well as one within an equally uninspiring quartet of students whose idea of radical consists of breaking with the time-honoured tradition of smoking marijuana behind the Rowing Club on Friday afternoons and instead lighting up on a Thursday, thereby earning the ire of the Rowing Club coach and a promise to haul us before our Dean. Arrest for smoking on University grounds unless by Federal Police is impossible, but deprivation of degrees is not. Amidst profuse apology and crimson-cheeked embarrassment, we will slink away from the knowing stares of the team, whose abundance of muscles mock us for the absence of ours. The sport of sculling will eventually be acquired, and quit when told that bull sharks inhabit the river, since time is spent as much struggling back onto the craft as sitting on it and propelling it forwards.
Friday nights are spent on two-dollar drinks, moaning the missed opportunities of making it with someone, anyone, although no-one spends attention on us in such quantities as to suggest the existence of opportunity, missed or otherwise, and Saturday nights most often involve sneaking into parties – gate-crashing for the uninitiated – or watching Hey Hey It’s Saturday and rented movies or playing Trivial Pursuit while drinking whichever brand of beer is discounted on any given weekend. Sundays being enlivened only by fashionable threats to commit suicide because an assignment has missed its due-by deadline.
Such was the being of an Economics student.
But away with this digression. To return to the night of the Toga Party: we are imbibing and ingesting and embellishing and effecting no change in our status quos, wandering the ever less-crowded campus grounds for some time after the finish of the chariot races until stumbling on the realisation that excitement, in whatever form it might occur, must be manufactured by us. Shelley, owner of a five-wheeled collection of moving parts – one wheel quite often functioning as the means to navigate – and which we have christened, predictably, “Mover”, since its number plate initials are MVR, is legally over the blood-alcohol limit, but less so than Martin, Guy, or the narrator, and has suggested we hit the nightclubs in town, since at this hour we are able to negotiate the cover charge down to the purchasing power of paupers. After much time and group-think, we have puzzled out where Mover is parked – by the ferry pier at the far end of the University grounds – and weaved our way there. Guy wants to urinate on each of the jacaranda trees passing us bye, claiming these are the only territory he ever has the chance to mark.
We have progressed as far as the top of the main University drive, where a huge round-about signifies the entrance to the University proper, when the daring compulsion to protest our down-trodden status, both as students and sex symbols, rears its seductive head. “Stop the car, Shell!”
“Eh?” Slowing at the round-about and frowning. “Whaffor?”
“Jus’ drive the car over t’ the metal box there.”
Shell squinting in the direction indicated and starting to move off along the opposite, and perfectly legitimate, route.
“Shell, jus’ cut through! G’over there!” Pointing along the two lanes of non-existent oncoming traffic. “Look, there’s no-one ‘round. No-one’s gonna see us. Park the car at the box.”
Scanning each of the spiral arms of the round-about. No headlights wobbling between parked cars, no toga-swaddled singles or couples staggering towards us. The only constant in the scene not-being the street lamp on the corner fluorescing spasmodically. Shell stalling the car before swerving across the lanes and bumping the gutter beside the box.
“Supa! Gimme a minute.” Half-fall stepping from the car to contemplate the box, less than the length of the car, head height, and the width of an extended arm. All the times having passed it, never noticing the squat rectangle of metal sheeting resembling an abandoned filing cabinet, having no idea what purpose it serves, other than suiting mine admirably now. On its horizontal upper, two inverted plastic covers, like outsize Alice teacups with conveniently located handles, are screwed into rubber-lined grooves. Grasping one and twisting, hearing a sudden pop as something housed within is snapped.
“Marty!” Turning back to the car. He is snoring and the cup is tossed onto his lap, before concentrating on the remaining piece of the prize. Resistance, until with a sharp crack it is bisected.
Feeling terribly confused because bright orange has dimmed to two pieces of colourless plastic.
“Fuggryinoutfugginloud! What the fuck?” Guy opening the front passenger door and waving furiously. “Was that you? Didja jus’ kill the street lights?”
“Dunno.” The unexpected darkness descending sending arms and legs scrambling back into the car, clutching the broken halves, adrenaline rush-filling. A first act of vandalism in the name of the underdog has produced spectacular results. “Dja reckon so?”
“Let’s drive ‘round ‘n’ see ‘ow many lights ya buggered.” The car is hopping-kangaroo for a few metres until conceding defeat and gliding forwards smoothly, accompanied by the occasional protest in the form of a back-fire. Swinging left at the football field into a street shrouded in darkness until reaching the next junction, where light falls on footpath, shrubs, and parked cars – a couple leaning against a four wheel drive and imitating ravenous pythons – and we have spun around in a creaking circle and are heading back the way we have come, crossing the main drive into the short length of road that is cul-de-sacced at the river bank. Zigging zag across the main arterial street all the way to its end where it joins the road that leads to the city, a distance of about two kilometres, until we have ascertained the length and breadth of the street light blackout.
“Holy fuck.” Guy punching my shoulder, grinning. “Whadja do that for?”
“Dunno. We never do anything. Just seemed like a cool idea. And look!” The plastic Mad Hatter teacup from Martin’s lap fits the head perfectly. “We’ve gotta mascot for Mover.”
Shelley has driven us back to the house shared with a student couple, he an engineer, she studying arts, and Mover is parked on the street, Martin left within to sleep off the alcohol. For the remainder of the night we will be playing cards and trying to sober up on cask wine, until not long before sunrise when we will have stupor-succumbed on bean bags and dank carpet.
The following week the Student Union will have announced the decision that the annual Toga Party is no longer to be held on campus owing to violent behaviour, claims of sexual harassment, and the death of a student, found lying face down in a puddle of rainwater along one of the side streets that dead-ended above the river. The time of her death had occurred during the blackout of street lights that the area had been suffering in the early hours of the morning. She had apparently tripped, smashed her skull on a low brick wall, and fallen, presumably unconscious, into the water.
The orange plastic cover is still a possessed object. The narrator plans to be buried wearing it.