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The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
Something Has to Change…
You can’t put it into words, but something is happening to you. Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy. The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.
For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward. Based on decades of counseling experience, her intensely practical, biblical advice will show you how to establish boundaries and break free from emotional abuse. Learn
· identify damaging behaviors
· gain the skills to respond wisely
· promote healthy change
· stay safe
· understand when, why, and even how to leave
· recognize that God sees and hates what is happening to you
Trying harder to be a perfect fantasy wife won’t help fix what’s wrong your marriage. Discover instead how you can initiate effective changes to stop the cycle of destruction and restore hope for the future.
“Women in an emotionally abusive marriage do not need another book on how to have a good marriage; those books rub salt in raw wounds. No, they desperately need this book so that they can diagnose just how bad their marriage is and then, with Leslie’s clear expertise, develop a plan that will either begin to turn their marriage around...or give them a wise route of escape.”
—Dee Brestin, author of Idol Lies and The Friendships of Women
You can’t put it into words, but something is happening to you. Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy. The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.
For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward. Based on decades of counseling experience, her intensely practical, biblical advice will show you how to establish boundaries and break free from emotional abuse. Learn
· identify damaging behaviors
· gain the skills to respond wisely
· promote healthy change
· stay safe
· understand when, why, and even how to leave
· recognize that God sees and hates what is happening to you
Trying harder to be a perfect fantasy wife won’t help fix what’s wrong your marriage. Discover instead how you can initiate effective changes to stop the cycle of destruction and restore hope for the future.
“Women in an emotionally abusive marriage do not need another book on how to have a good marriage; those books rub salt in raw wounds. No, they desperately need this book so that they can diagnose just how bad their marriage is and then, with Leslie’s clear expertise, develop a plan that will either begin to turn their marriage around...or give them a wise route of escape.”
—Dee Brestin, author of Idol Lies and The Friendships of Women
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2013
723 people are currently reading
1408 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 161 reviews
January 27, 2021
Being 100% honest, I didn’t want to post that I read this book. Stigma. Enough said. However, I wish I would have had this book recommended to me 2 years ago. I thought if I reviewed it maybe someone out there who needs this book would see my review or recommend it to a friend who needs it. The author provides realistic, biblical advice for what to do if you’re caught in an emotionally destructive marriage. I learned a lot about myself from reading this book.
July 16, 2014
Having grown up in a Christian family, part of a strong community of believers, I've heard and even given my share of marriage advice based on the Bible. Looking back, I see that some of it wasn't healthy or even biblical, but based more on a spiritual list of what we'd imagined a Godly wife to be. The problem with that list was it prioritized an ideal more than realism, and many women suffered needlessly, thinking it was "for the cause of Christ".
This book put into words many of the thoughts that have been seeping into my mind about such advice lately, pointing out that emotional abuse is real, and that ignoring it or being a good enough wife doesn't make it go away. Beginning with an explanation of the difference between an disappointing marriage and a destructive one, the author clearly points out how to determine which you are dealing with.
She then spells out what is present in a healthy relationship and a destructive one over the next few chapters, before launching into the practicality of dealing with an abusive marriage. Throughout the book, her explanations and advice are backed up with biblical references and spiritual understanding. She recognizes the misguided counsel that exists within some Christian circles and explains why this is not consistent with God's Word. Especially helpful is the information found in Appendix B, "Five Common Mistakes People Helpers Make".
Not only would this book be a great help to anyone in an abusive marriage, but it should be required reading for every pastor, Christian counselor, or ladies minister. It is the most practical I've found in dealing with problem marriages, and I wish I'd found it years ago. Several circumstances come to mind when I've listened to a hurting wife explain what she's going through, distraught and tearful as she told her story. The practical checklists and explanations found in these pages would have helped define the level of severity of what was happening and outlined action steps for dealing with the problems.
The author's website is full of extra resources that correspond to this book and to relationships in general. Dozens of free articles and videos provide relevant information, as well as her blog dealing with the topics of this book and relationships in general. She takes time to answer reader questions and deals with tons of sticky situations, such as all those special cases filling in the "Well, what if...?" question.
I listened to this as an audiobook read by the author. A few minutes into the introduction I realized there was a lot of information I'd like to be able to reference for later use. I ended up taking notes throughout the whole book, outlining key points and the action steps for each chapter. Had I not chosen to do that, I would definitely have wanted to buy this book in print form after listening to it.
It was necessary to rewind often, as the author read very quickly through some sections, and I had a bit of a hard time making out what she was saying. Something that bothered me as well was when she changed her voice to imitate someone speaking through tears or whining. It may not be an issue to someone else, but it began to grate on me after the first couple of times hearing it. Apart from that, her passion for helping hurting women caught in destructive cycles shows through in her voice.
**This book was provided to me through christianaudio's Reviewer Program in exchange for my honest review.
This book put into words many of the thoughts that have been seeping into my mind about such advice lately, pointing out that emotional abuse is real, and that ignoring it or being a good enough wife doesn't make it go away. Beginning with an explanation of the difference between an disappointing marriage and a destructive one, the author clearly points out how to determine which you are dealing with.
She then spells out what is present in a healthy relationship and a destructive one over the next few chapters, before launching into the practicality of dealing with an abusive marriage. Throughout the book, her explanations and advice are backed up with biblical references and spiritual understanding. She recognizes the misguided counsel that exists within some Christian circles and explains why this is not consistent with God's Word. Especially helpful is the information found in Appendix B, "Five Common Mistakes People Helpers Make".
Not only would this book be a great help to anyone in an abusive marriage, but it should be required reading for every pastor, Christian counselor, or ladies minister. It is the most practical I've found in dealing with problem marriages, and I wish I'd found it years ago. Several circumstances come to mind when I've listened to a hurting wife explain what she's going through, distraught and tearful as she told her story. The practical checklists and explanations found in these pages would have helped define the level of severity of what was happening and outlined action steps for dealing with the problems.
The author's website is full of extra resources that correspond to this book and to relationships in general. Dozens of free articles and videos provide relevant information, as well as her blog dealing with the topics of this book and relationships in general. She takes time to answer reader questions and deals with tons of sticky situations, such as all those special cases filling in the "Well, what if...?" question.
I listened to this as an audiobook read by the author. A few minutes into the introduction I realized there was a lot of information I'd like to be able to reference for later use. I ended up taking notes throughout the whole book, outlining key points and the action steps for each chapter. Had I not chosen to do that, I would definitely have wanted to buy this book in print form after listening to it.
It was necessary to rewind often, as the author read very quickly through some sections, and I had a bit of a hard time making out what she was saying. Something that bothered me as well was when she changed her voice to imitate someone speaking through tears or whining. It may not be an issue to someone else, but it began to grate on me after the first couple of times hearing it. Apart from that, her passion for helping hurting women caught in destructive cycles shows through in her voice.
**This book was provided to me through christianaudio's Reviewer Program in exchange for my honest review.
November 23, 2015
This was a very fine book. For various reasons, I went into it with my guard up, but was very impressed with Vernick's balance, good sense, biblical instincts, and wisdom. I have written before to the "trapped wife." This book is the book that every such woman should have.
February 3, 2022
This is a great book written toward women in abusive relationships. The author talks about the differences between a destructive marriage and a disappointing marriage. I appreciate the use of Scripture.
This is such broad, subjective, topic. I can see how this book might be misinterpreted by people at both ends of the spectrum with an agenda to disprove the state of their own marriage; however, the author takes great pains to be clear in laying out Biblical, Christian, principles in a practical, easy to follow, way.
The author does not adhere to the: “stay-together-no-matter-what” belief, nor does she provide loopholes for separation. She gives reasons and consequences for both, encouraging the individual to honor God and her husband regardless of what she ultimately decides. Basically, the book is pro-people and anti-abuse.
Taken with the right spirit, the principles in this book can be very helpful.
Personal note: As I read through the practical steps of how a wife can talk to her husband about his abuse, (discussed in Part 3) I was shaken.
Shaken at the thought of a Christian wife-or any wife for that matter- having to plan for her own safety- in. her. own. marriage.
Shaken that she might need to hide a spare key in the garage-just in case.
Shaken that she should plan to confront her husband about his abuse in a public place, like a restaurant, in case it all goes sideways.
Shaken that she might need to previously arrange a phone call to supportive friend every thirty minutes during the confrontation for her own physical safety.
Shaken that she would need to remember that if her husband is chasing her in their home, that she should never lock herself in a room without a window or secondary exit.
These, as well as other things mentioned in this book, shook me because of their reality. This is real. It really does happen in marriages, and yes, in Christian marriages too.
The mere necessity of this book saddens me. But what also saddens me, is ignorance of, and even worse, apathy toward, all of this. The eye-rollers, the disbelieving, the ones who say it’s probably not that bad, the ones who refuse to learn, to listen, to care.
It shouldn’t be.
It just. should. not. be.
This is such broad, subjective, topic. I can see how this book might be misinterpreted by people at both ends of the spectrum with an agenda to disprove the state of their own marriage; however, the author takes great pains to be clear in laying out Biblical, Christian, principles in a practical, easy to follow, way.
The author does not adhere to the: “stay-together-no-matter-what” belief, nor does she provide loopholes for separation. She gives reasons and consequences for both, encouraging the individual to honor God and her husband regardless of what she ultimately decides. Basically, the book is pro-people and anti-abuse.
Taken with the right spirit, the principles in this book can be very helpful.
Personal note: As I read through the practical steps of how a wife can talk to her husband about his abuse, (discussed in Part 3) I was shaken.
Shaken at the thought of a Christian wife-or any wife for that matter- having to plan for her own safety- in. her. own. marriage.
Shaken that she might need to hide a spare key in the garage-just in case.
Shaken that she should plan to confront her husband about his abuse in a public place, like a restaurant, in case it all goes sideways.
Shaken that she might need to previously arrange a phone call to supportive friend every thirty minutes during the confrontation for her own physical safety.
Shaken that she would need to remember that if her husband is chasing her in their home, that she should never lock herself in a room without a window or secondary exit.
These, as well as other things mentioned in this book, shook me because of their reality. This is real. It really does happen in marriages, and yes, in Christian marriages too.
The mere necessity of this book saddens me. But what also saddens me, is ignorance of, and even worse, apathy toward, all of this. The eye-rollers, the disbelieving, the ones who say it’s probably not that bad, the ones who refuse to learn, to listen, to care.
It shouldn’t be.
It just. should. not. be.
October 6, 2017
This was a massively insightful book. My only regret is that I did not have this early in my marriage. Working hard at rebuilding right now. I recommend this to anyone with marriage struggles, whether you believe your marriage is emotionally destructive or not. I certainly would not have labeled mine as such, but as circumstances have led me to this sort of help I can see clearly that Leslie's CORE strength formula would have been and is such a great tool in my life and marriage now.
Leslie is compassionate towards both husband and wife. There are quizzes to assess yourself and your marriage. Her four core strengths to maintain good mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational health were extremely helpful to build any healthy relationship especially marriage.
C.O.R.E.
C-Committed to truth and reality
O-Open to growth, instruction, and feedback
R-Responsible for myself and Respectful toward others without dishonoring myself
E-Empathic and compassionate toward others without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me
and goes into detail and examples of applying these strengths.
This is a very Christian perspective which was especially helpful because she's specifically addressing an audience who wants to do EVERYTHING to make a marriage work and at the same time addressing situations that are "tricky", to say the least, and can make for a very emotionally painful marriage. This is NOT an LDS perspective so any references to the "fall" do not contain the full truth, and the way she addresses sin is referenced a little differently than LDS doctrine would..but mostly it's just an issue of verbiage and I found all of her advice and insight incredibly helpful and very much in line with what I've learned and understood through LDS counseling and support groups.
If you are interested in this book, I highly recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Book by Patricia Healy Evans. It was massively influential in my being able to see my relationship clearly and work through lots of pain and confusion and lead the way to much healing.
Leslie is compassionate towards both husband and wife. There are quizzes to assess yourself and your marriage. Her four core strengths to maintain good mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational health were extremely helpful to build any healthy relationship especially marriage.
C.O.R.E.
C-Committed to truth and reality
O-Open to growth, instruction, and feedback
R-Responsible for myself and Respectful toward others without dishonoring myself
E-Empathic and compassionate toward others without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me
and goes into detail and examples of applying these strengths.
This is a very Christian perspective which was especially helpful because she's specifically addressing an audience who wants to do EVERYTHING to make a marriage work and at the same time addressing situations that are "tricky", to say the least, and can make for a very emotionally painful marriage. This is NOT an LDS perspective so any references to the "fall" do not contain the full truth, and the way she addresses sin is referenced a little differently than LDS doctrine would..but mostly it's just an issue of verbiage and I found all of her advice and insight incredibly helpful and very much in line with what I've learned and understood through LDS counseling and support groups.
If you are interested in this book, I highly recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Book by Patricia Healy Evans. It was massively influential in my being able to see my relationship clearly and work through lots of pain and confusion and lead the way to much healing.
February 1, 2024
5 // I want to press this into the hands of every church leader and hurting woman that I know. Leslie is incredibly practical and doesn’t mince words. She offers no over-spiritualization or minimization of the painful reality of an abusive marriage, which is a common response in Christian circles. She provides direct scripts to implement in hard conversations, possible boundaries to implement for safety, and step-by-step guides on what to do in scary or difficult situations.
Leslie writes knowledgeably, often sharing stories of the women she’s counseled and supported over the years. These tangible examples provide insight and awareness. She is expressly pro-reconciliation and pro-healthy marriage, but does not beat that drum at the expense of the hurting spouse and their well-being. This is a discerning Christian voice who is equipping women to advocate for themselves within marriage. Christian leaders would do well to benefit from her wisdom.
Leslie writes knowledgeably, often sharing stories of the women she’s counseled and supported over the years. These tangible examples provide insight and awareness. She is expressly pro-reconciliation and pro-healthy marriage, but does not beat that drum at the expense of the hurting spouse and their well-being. This is a discerning Christian voice who is equipping women to advocate for themselves within marriage. Christian leaders would do well to benefit from her wisdom.
August 13, 2018
She gets it. No pretenses. Truth. Scripture. Sensible. Highly recommendable.
February 19, 2014
Whether have a wonderful or tumultuous marriage you should read, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick. The book gives Biblical and sound advice. The book breaks the barriers of shame and silence by giving tools for women to discern whether or not they are in a destructive marriage. The author is gracious and compassionate to both husband and wife. There are quizzes to assess yourself and your marriage. Her four core strengths to maintain good mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational health were extremely helpful to build any healthy relationship especially marriage.
C.O.R.E.
C-Committed to truth and reality
O-Open to growth, instruction, and feedback
R-Responsible for myself and Respectful toward others without dishonoring myself
E-Empathic and compassionate toward others without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me
Leslie is a voice for those stuck in an emotionally destructive marriage. Her step-by-step for real change provide for healing and restoration and sometimes the hard reality of separation.
The real life stories and quotes from other sources make this book vibrant. It is a fast and engaging book.
I also recommend Leslie Vernick's "How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong".
C.O.R.E.
C-Committed to truth and reality
O-Open to growth, instruction, and feedback
R-Responsible for myself and Respectful toward others without dishonoring myself
E-Empathic and compassionate toward others without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me
Leslie is a voice for those stuck in an emotionally destructive marriage. Her step-by-step for real change provide for healing and restoration and sometimes the hard reality of separation.
The real life stories and quotes from other sources make this book vibrant. It is a fast and engaging book.
I also recommend Leslie Vernick's "How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong".
February 20, 2016
This author describes the type of abuse that may not be physical but that is still destructive to a person's emotions over time. She challenges those that might feel like the treatment they are receiving is not really that big of a deal, and she encourages them to share the truth with those in their support circles. The rest of the book is pretty common knowledge: "talk about how you are feeling, don't blame, don't use excessive language (never, always), recognize your part, be okay with giving consequences to bad behavior..."
I will put this on my list of books that might be helpful to those clients who can't see the way their husband treats them as destructive. This book offers tons of specific examples of unacceptable behavior in attempts to help women recognize their husbands (or themselves) in them.
I will put this on my list of books that might be helpful to those clients who can't see the way their husband treats them as destructive. This book offers tons of specific examples of unacceptable behavior in attempts to help women recognize their husbands (or themselves) in them.
May 12, 2014
Strong medicine for a very serious problem. Christians who have never experienced abuse might look with skepticism at this title. Sadly, it is only through seeing real world examples of this phenomena that I regard this subject matter as important and timely. This book is aimed at Christians, who might possibly be the prone to diminish the seriousness, or dismiss the harmful effects, of abuse in marriage. They might be genuinely trying to honor the sanctity of marriage with this stance but I pray that those in abusive relationships find the courage to read this book or find counsel like it regardless.
December 28, 2019
This is one of the best marriage books I’ve ever read. In a sea of “fluffy” marriage books that don’t take abuse into account, this book is like a life boat of sound, biblical advice for those living in destructive marriages. These marriages CAN be saved, but the common “love and respect” advice, etc will barely scratch the surface or
do more damage than good. Vernick’s book lays out a real plan for healing hurting marriages.
do more damage than good. Vernick’s book lays out a real plan for healing hurting marriages.
March 24, 2022
Really good material about destructive marriages. I read this to help understand, and support, dear friends and I am SO GLAD I did. I would highly recommend this to anyone seeking to understand an abusive marriage. It can be so hard for a person to be able to trust themselves, and this book gives practical steps and biblical wisdom.
May 21, 2017
A life raft on a stormy sea
The Lord brought this book to me just in time; living away from home as a result of a destructive relationship, I needed this to help me understand the process. It has been invaluable, tough and healing. Thank u.
The Lord brought this book to me just in time; living away from home as a result of a destructive relationship, I needed this to help me understand the process. It has been invaluable, tough and healing. Thank u.
February 19, 2019
This book reveals the truth in you and exposes destructive patterns of damage and abuse.
Leslie Vernick is worth reading.
Leslie Vernick is worth reading.
February 1, 2018
Life saving. Very eye opening. True and so helpful.
April 23, 2018
Leslie Vernick has provided a very thoughtful and thought-provoking work for husbands or wives in difficult marriages, or those working with others within such marriages. While remaining true to Scripture, Vernick challenges the "one-size-fits-all" message of "God hates divorces" given to most Christian couples. While never advocating for divorce, Vernick gives practical ways for those trapped in emotionally destructive marriages to make necessary, positive changes in hopes of restoring what has been broken. God may hate divorce, but as Vernick points out, He also hates terrible marriages, and the abuse that often occurs within them. He wants better for marriages, and for the women and men that form them. I believe this book can provide a game plan, and much needed hope for many.
December 31, 2022
Leslie Vernick was one of the first authors I read when coming to grips with why my marriage was so painful and debilitating for me. She helps make sense of the ongoing destruction of emotional abuse in relationships and how those millions of tiny cuts over time ruin a human being. This book helps identify what it looks like. But I feel that to find your way out of that type of marriage, other authors are more direct about that. Leslie gives steps for how to stay strong if you're staying which is great because many women cannot find a way to get out. Yet, there is a reality to face that if a husband has been doing this to his wife, he is unlikely to change and may even get worse if she starts p stand up to it.
May 17, 2025
This was a hard but important read. Having walked with friends through this journey, I found the book full of insight, wisdom, and practical help. I’d recommend it not only to women in destructive marriages, but also to those walking alongside them.
Leslie Vernick writes with clarity, wisdom, and compassion. What stood out most to me was her insistence that enabling sin is not the same as being submissive or selfless. She calls for truth-telling, boundaries, and a return to wholeness—not just for the hurting spouse, but for the health of the marriage itself, if possible.
Leslie Vernick writes with clarity, wisdom, and compassion. What stood out most to me was her insistence that enabling sin is not the same as being submissive or selfless. She calls for truth-telling, boundaries, and a return to wholeness—not just for the hurting spouse, but for the health of the marriage itself, if possible.
April 23, 2020
Truly excellent content. This is written purely for women whose husbands see them a objects to be used, but I found it to be immensely insightful and helpful in my own walk. Leslie made some statements that I could really relate to: "Whether you leave or whether you stay there will be people in your church who are certain that you did the wrong thing and they will have no qualms about telling you so." Her examples and explanations are very clear.
August 17, 2019
This book is a great resource for those trying to discern whether they are in an emotionally dissatisfying relationship or an emotionally destructive relationship and steps to take when it's the latter. Helpful for those in the midst and those who are supporting them.
January 23, 2019
What a great book. I might still be evangelical if I had read this earlier in life.
I can console myself in the knowledge that it wasn't published when I needed it.
I can console myself in the knowledge that it wasn't published when I needed it.
June 5, 2025
This book may be more harmful than helpful. I found some good takeaways but it seemed to prioritize women’s feelings over God’s Word.
July 12, 2019
I picked up this book after hearing Jen Wilkin commend the author in a talk she was giving on women in the church. A really helpful overview for the Church, both for those experiencing destructive marriages, and those trying to walk faithfully and encouragingly alongside them. (A few points deducted for one too many mishuided “weight gain is indicative of a problem” metaphors) I'd highly recommend reading this alongside "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft for more insight into the actions of abusive men.
September 10, 2023
This might have been helpful for me a year ago, had I been receptive to it, but I still found a lot of benefit in reading it now. I see things I could have handled better if I had more clarity, courage/maturity, and knowledge/understanding of these issues she teaches about. I found some comfort that despite my failures, much of what I did still ended up aligning with what she outlines. Going through this book helped me reflect on my past marriage - start to end - and gave me chances to feel compassion for both my ex and myself as flawed humans. I will take this extra knowledge and perspective and use it to help in my grieving/forgiveness as well as for bettering myself for a potential future marriage.
Main points:
• Signs of a disappointing marriage vs a destructive marriage, the differences between the two and how too much in the “disappointment” category is actually destructive.
• Essential ingredients in thriving relationships (mutuality, reciprocity and freedom).
• Patterns that destroy relationships and damage people (reactive abuse, controlling abuse, deceit, dependence and indifference).
• Damage of sin on relationships and people.
• How one person can work towards change:
•• Self-awareness of own strengths, weaknesses, self-worth, core values, and their relationship with God and belief in His plan for their life/love for them.
•• Taking responsibility for own part in marital dysfunction (not playing victim, recognizing unhealthy behaviors, acknowledging bitterness/resentment)
•• Self-reflection (really knowing yourself/values/feelings/goals, pondering in quiet about what deeply want/don’t want, journaling)
•• Self-examination (ask self “why” questions, use our emotions to inform us not to rule us, see how really affected by the person you live with, see how lack of boundaries has cost you yourself and affected others, can’t change what we don’t see/won’t admit)
•• Putting your marriage in its proper place (has your desire for a good marriage become too important/an idol, center yourself in God not spouse)
• Sometimes trying harder becomes destructive to you and the marriage. (Like when your efforts do not engender a reciprocal response, but have the opposite effect of feeding the spouse’s entitlement and selfishness - solidifying their self-deception that it is indeed all about them).
• Strengthen your CORE. C: committed to truth and reality. O: open to growth, instruction, and feedback. R: responsible for myself, and Respectful towards others, without dishonoring myself. E: empathetic and compassionate toward others, without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me.
• Tips for standing strong against the destruction, not falling prey to manipulative distraction, allowing/enforcing consequences, recognizing when there is no real behavior/attitude change.
• Changes that indicate reconciliation may happen: change of heart (demonstrated by accepting responsibility, making amends/accepting consequences, and a willingness to be taught/to do the work/be humble) and change of habit.
• 5 C’s of change: clarity (sees issue and doesn’t want it to continue, commitment (willing to be accountable and teachable in order to grow and become the person he wants to become), community (listens to what others say about her behaviors/attitudes), confession (owning wrongdoing instead of blaming, minimizing or rationalizing it), accepts Consequences and makes restitution.
• Indicators of progress (or lack thereof) on healing journey: safety, sanity, stability, and security.
• “If you choose to stay, stay well.” (“A difficult part of staying well with a destructive person is that if you’re not careful, their toxic gas will poison your heart. You start to become just as hard hearted and foolish, or in your attempts to protect yourself you distance yourself with walls of resentment and bitterness.”) Staying in a destructive marriage, but remaining bitter/angry/spiteful/depressed/resentful doesn’t bring peace, joy, or hope in your countenance, or with your decision. Staying in that way is a terrible choice and it does not bring any pleasure to God.
• “If you choose to leave, leave well.” Make sure that living with the consequences of divorce is less damaging to you and your children than continuing to live in a destructive marriage. Expose all wrong and try earnestly. But if the necessary change doesn’t come, refuse to stay at any cost including your own physical, emotional, mental or spiritual health.
Quotes:
“When a woman starts to wake up from her dream of a loving marriage and realizes that she’s trapped in a nightmare, she feels desperate. She often slides into a dark depression. But sooner or later, little by little, she must start to fight and claw her way free from her husband’s oppressive control if she is going to survive. She now understands she’s been restricted like a child or buried alive and she must fight for her physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. Once a woman starts to fight back, her rage and hurt, often get expressed in sinful and destructive ways. She may appear irrational, ungodly, unstable, controlling, mean, and even a little crazy to those who don’t know the whole story of what she’s been through, and what she lives with.”
“God designed marriage to be a safe haven, a place where husband and wife can be naked together and unashamed. A place where we can be at our most vulnerable and know we will be loved excepted and respected without fear that we will be intentionally harmed by the ones closest to us.”
“Grief is painful, but the good news is that there is always new life after death. Spring always follows winter. Even after a horrific fire has ravaged the forest and everything looks black and bleak, before too long tiny bluebells poke their heads out of the loamy soil and feather in green shoots. A fern appears where it had not been before. Now that sunlight is able to reach the forest floor, new growth blossoms. That new growth was not possible when the thick foliage of the trees shaded the forest bottom. In a similar way, your marriage relationship has burned down to the ground but that doesn’t mean that your life is over and that there isn’t something new that God wants to blossom in you out of the ashes of your broken marriage.”
“Do not hide your darkness, expose it. Do not sympathetically make excuses for it, confess it. Hate it. Renounce it. For as long as darkness remains in darkness it rules you. But when you bring darkness out into the light, it becomes light. When you take your secret sins and boldly come unto the throne of God’s grace, and confess them, he cleanses you from all unrighteousness. -Francis Frangipane”
“Either he’s not willing to respect your boundaries or he’s not capable of doing it, but either way you are not safe until he learns to do this. Stick up for yourself. Before you can work on the marriage, your husband needs to respect your right to say no to him, demonstrate that he can control himself when he’s upset with you, and honor your boundaries. If he won’t do this much, you cannot go any further to repair your relationship.”
“When a physical separation is in place, there needs to be concrete evidence demonstrating safety and sanity before a couple can move back in together. The last thing you want is to start repeating the same old patterns of abuse and destruction that caused the split in the first place. You can’t build new history together when the old history keeps repeating itself.”
“Marriage counseling can be helpful in this stage to help the couple learn healthy communication skills and develop godly ways to resolve conflict and talk through old hurts in a constructive way. When there is no safety, and no sanity, joint counseling is ineffective and often dangerous. If she can’t see her part or take responsibility for her own wrong thinking, beliefs or attitudes, everything ends up being blamed on you. Old history keeps repeating itself even in the counselors office.”
“Sanity, for you, requires you to give up your fantasy of what you wished your marriage was like and face what it is really like. Sanity requires you to stop trying harder to do the same things that haven’t worked. You need to learn how to execute godly thinking and live from your CORE so that you won’t retaliate in anger and become abusive yourself. Sanity keeps you centered in God and not in having a good marriage or loving husband.”
“Sanity means he must learn to take responsibility for his own thoughts and his own behaviors without blaming others. He must also learn to handle his emotions, such as disappointment, frustration, anger, and hurt in new ways that don’t damage people, things or relationships. He understands he needs to take responsibility for his part and do the work to make that happen.”
“Sometimes destructive individuals expect amnesty once they say they’re sorry for what they’ve done. They believe that sorry means no more consequences, no extra effort and that we shouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. They believe their words of repentance automatically restore trust and repair relationship wounds. But words are not enough. Words can be deceptive. A heart that is changed shows it.”
Main points:
• Signs of a disappointing marriage vs a destructive marriage, the differences between the two and how too much in the “disappointment” category is actually destructive.
• Essential ingredients in thriving relationships (mutuality, reciprocity and freedom).
• Patterns that destroy relationships and damage people (reactive abuse, controlling abuse, deceit, dependence and indifference).
• Damage of sin on relationships and people.
• How one person can work towards change:
•• Self-awareness of own strengths, weaknesses, self-worth, core values, and their relationship with God and belief in His plan for their life/love for them.
•• Taking responsibility for own part in marital dysfunction (not playing victim, recognizing unhealthy behaviors, acknowledging bitterness/resentment)
•• Self-reflection (really knowing yourself/values/feelings/goals, pondering in quiet about what deeply want/don’t want, journaling)
•• Self-examination (ask self “why” questions, use our emotions to inform us not to rule us, see how really affected by the person you live with, see how lack of boundaries has cost you yourself and affected others, can’t change what we don’t see/won’t admit)
•• Putting your marriage in its proper place (has your desire for a good marriage become too important/an idol, center yourself in God not spouse)
• Sometimes trying harder becomes destructive to you and the marriage. (Like when your efforts do not engender a reciprocal response, but have the opposite effect of feeding the spouse’s entitlement and selfishness - solidifying their self-deception that it is indeed all about them).
• Strengthen your CORE. C: committed to truth and reality. O: open to growth, instruction, and feedback. R: responsible for myself, and Respectful towards others, without dishonoring myself. E: empathetic and compassionate toward others, without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me.
• Tips for standing strong against the destruction, not falling prey to manipulative distraction, allowing/enforcing consequences, recognizing when there is no real behavior/attitude change.
• Changes that indicate reconciliation may happen: change of heart (demonstrated by accepting responsibility, making amends/accepting consequences, and a willingness to be taught/to do the work/be humble) and change of habit.
• 5 C’s of change: clarity (sees issue and doesn’t want it to continue, commitment (willing to be accountable and teachable in order to grow and become the person he wants to become), community (listens to what others say about her behaviors/attitudes), confession (owning wrongdoing instead of blaming, minimizing or rationalizing it), accepts Consequences and makes restitution.
• Indicators of progress (or lack thereof) on healing journey: safety, sanity, stability, and security.
• “If you choose to stay, stay well.” (“A difficult part of staying well with a destructive person is that if you’re not careful, their toxic gas will poison your heart. You start to become just as hard hearted and foolish, or in your attempts to protect yourself you distance yourself with walls of resentment and bitterness.”) Staying in a destructive marriage, but remaining bitter/angry/spiteful/depressed/resentful doesn’t bring peace, joy, or hope in your countenance, or with your decision. Staying in that way is a terrible choice and it does not bring any pleasure to God.
• “If you choose to leave, leave well.” Make sure that living with the consequences of divorce is less damaging to you and your children than continuing to live in a destructive marriage. Expose all wrong and try earnestly. But if the necessary change doesn’t come, refuse to stay at any cost including your own physical, emotional, mental or spiritual health.
Quotes:
“When a woman starts to wake up from her dream of a loving marriage and realizes that she’s trapped in a nightmare, she feels desperate. She often slides into a dark depression. But sooner or later, little by little, she must start to fight and claw her way free from her husband’s oppressive control if she is going to survive. She now understands she’s been restricted like a child or buried alive and she must fight for her physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. Once a woman starts to fight back, her rage and hurt, often get expressed in sinful and destructive ways. She may appear irrational, ungodly, unstable, controlling, mean, and even a little crazy to those who don’t know the whole story of what she’s been through, and what she lives with.”
“God designed marriage to be a safe haven, a place where husband and wife can be naked together and unashamed. A place where we can be at our most vulnerable and know we will be loved excepted and respected without fear that we will be intentionally harmed by the ones closest to us.”
“Grief is painful, but the good news is that there is always new life after death. Spring always follows winter. Even after a horrific fire has ravaged the forest and everything looks black and bleak, before too long tiny bluebells poke their heads out of the loamy soil and feather in green shoots. A fern appears where it had not been before. Now that sunlight is able to reach the forest floor, new growth blossoms. That new growth was not possible when the thick foliage of the trees shaded the forest bottom. In a similar way, your marriage relationship has burned down to the ground but that doesn’t mean that your life is over and that there isn’t something new that God wants to blossom in you out of the ashes of your broken marriage.”
“Do not hide your darkness, expose it. Do not sympathetically make excuses for it, confess it. Hate it. Renounce it. For as long as darkness remains in darkness it rules you. But when you bring darkness out into the light, it becomes light. When you take your secret sins and boldly come unto the throne of God’s grace, and confess them, he cleanses you from all unrighteousness. -Francis Frangipane”
“Either he’s not willing to respect your boundaries or he’s not capable of doing it, but either way you are not safe until he learns to do this. Stick up for yourself. Before you can work on the marriage, your husband needs to respect your right to say no to him, demonstrate that he can control himself when he’s upset with you, and honor your boundaries. If he won’t do this much, you cannot go any further to repair your relationship.”
“When a physical separation is in place, there needs to be concrete evidence demonstrating safety and sanity before a couple can move back in together. The last thing you want is to start repeating the same old patterns of abuse and destruction that caused the split in the first place. You can’t build new history together when the old history keeps repeating itself.”
“Marriage counseling can be helpful in this stage to help the couple learn healthy communication skills and develop godly ways to resolve conflict and talk through old hurts in a constructive way. When there is no safety, and no sanity, joint counseling is ineffective and often dangerous. If she can’t see her part or take responsibility for her own wrong thinking, beliefs or attitudes, everything ends up being blamed on you. Old history keeps repeating itself even in the counselors office.”
“Sanity, for you, requires you to give up your fantasy of what you wished your marriage was like and face what it is really like. Sanity requires you to stop trying harder to do the same things that haven’t worked. You need to learn how to execute godly thinking and live from your CORE so that you won’t retaliate in anger and become abusive yourself. Sanity keeps you centered in God and not in having a good marriage or loving husband.”
“Sanity means he must learn to take responsibility for his own thoughts and his own behaviors without blaming others. He must also learn to handle his emotions, such as disappointment, frustration, anger, and hurt in new ways that don’t damage people, things or relationships. He understands he needs to take responsibility for his part and do the work to make that happen.”
“Sometimes destructive individuals expect amnesty once they say they’re sorry for what they’ve done. They believe that sorry means no more consequences, no extra effort and that we shouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. They believe their words of repentance automatically restore trust and repair relationship wounds. But words are not enough. Words can be deceptive. A heart that is changed shows it.”
April 25, 2017
Leslie Vernick is tackling an issue few authors seems willing to address. As a complementary pastor and a Biblical counselor I have found it difficult to apply complementary principles when there is extreme emotional abuse in marriage and so this book addressed my question squarely.
My response to this book is widely positive. Vernick gives counselors a starting place on how to address and think both Biblically and practically on emotionally destructive marriages. I was relieved to see the author make a fair distinction between a destructive and disappointing marriage. The former is a relationship where one's personhood is regularly demeaned. This is an important distinction because it places her paradigm in a fallen world where grace operates in sinful, tricky situations.
I was helped by five patterns of destructive behavior and found that the author helped give me some vocabulary for the behavior patterns I was addressing. She also helps to distinguish between sinful behavior which all of our marriages contain (and are in a sense destructive) and destructive behavior which is characterized by patterns of regular failure AND a failure to repent. This is a key distinction.
Another key theme throughout the book is that male headship is God's design but the abuses of male headship are repulsive to God. Dead right. One of my reflections from reading this book is that churches and counselors need to take this more seriously and address this more often. Biblical submission cannot be forced. This usually leads to "intimidation, coercion, and bullying." (p 98)
The practical plan for confrontation and healing was simple but helpful. I found her CORE concept a little cheesy but faithful. Perhaps some readers were helped by it. The book is full of helpful resources and appendices, making it a useful reference work. I found some of her online resources helpful as well.
Some concerns:
My primary concern is that the author does not properly lay down a principle for how a Christian is to live in an unhealthy marriage. All marriages are disappointing, some marriages are destructive but MOST marriages are disappointing with some destructive behavior. How does one live in a marriage with SOME destruction? She leaves a large grey area in fallen marriages and then gives this grey area little treatment. For Vernick her use of the term "destruction" has an ultimate sense. I am happy that the author addresses emotionally destructive marriages and I'm glad she calls victims to action but I wish she had spoken more on how to "stay well."
There were numerous times I felt this tension. Perhaps and example would help.
The tone of this book is very sympathetic. It may be too sympathetic. Sympathy for sinners is always appropriate. But at times it felt like the author's tone was a bit leading. I would imagine that a great many readers fall into the disappointing marriage category and not the destructive category. The author seems to assume the victim status over the self-deception of the heart. However to her great credit, she does address the heart of the suffer, so this is a minor complaint.
I also would have liked to see more attention given to separation as the author gave it only one chapter. Perhaps this is because doing so would require more particulars than generals.
With these concerns documented, I still say this is a good book. I'd love to find one better. It will be a helpful tool for discerning counselors and pastors.
My response to this book is widely positive. Vernick gives counselors a starting place on how to address and think both Biblically and practically on emotionally destructive marriages. I was relieved to see the author make a fair distinction between a destructive and disappointing marriage. The former is a relationship where one's personhood is regularly demeaned. This is an important distinction because it places her paradigm in a fallen world where grace operates in sinful, tricky situations.
I was helped by five patterns of destructive behavior and found that the author helped give me some vocabulary for the behavior patterns I was addressing. She also helps to distinguish between sinful behavior which all of our marriages contain (and are in a sense destructive) and destructive behavior which is characterized by patterns of regular failure AND a failure to repent. This is a key distinction.
Another key theme throughout the book is that male headship is God's design but the abuses of male headship are repulsive to God. Dead right. One of my reflections from reading this book is that churches and counselors need to take this more seriously and address this more often. Biblical submission cannot be forced. This usually leads to "intimidation, coercion, and bullying." (p 98)
The practical plan for confrontation and healing was simple but helpful. I found her CORE concept a little cheesy but faithful. Perhaps some readers were helped by it. The book is full of helpful resources and appendices, making it a useful reference work. I found some of her online resources helpful as well.
Some concerns:
My primary concern is that the author does not properly lay down a principle for how a Christian is to live in an unhealthy marriage. All marriages are disappointing, some marriages are destructive but MOST marriages are disappointing with some destructive behavior. How does one live in a marriage with SOME destruction? She leaves a large grey area in fallen marriages and then gives this grey area little treatment. For Vernick her use of the term "destruction" has an ultimate sense. I am happy that the author addresses emotionally destructive marriages and I'm glad she calls victims to action but I wish she had spoken more on how to "stay well."
There were numerous times I felt this tension. Perhaps and example would help.
"You give God no glory, nor do your children any favors, if you stay married with a heart full of bitterness, resentment, fear, hatred, or indifference. God wants much more for you than that" (113).This comment is given in the context of "guarding our hearts", not self examination. Bitterness, resentment and anger all require a call to repentance. This is one of those times where the author comes across as a little separation trigger-happy. I prefer to see victims and counselors more confrontation trigger-happy.
The tone of this book is very sympathetic. It may be too sympathetic. Sympathy for sinners is always appropriate. But at times it felt like the author's tone was a bit leading. I would imagine that a great many readers fall into the disappointing marriage category and not the destructive category. The author seems to assume the victim status over the self-deception of the heart. However to her great credit, she does address the heart of the suffer, so this is a minor complaint.
I also would have liked to see more attention given to separation as the author gave it only one chapter. Perhaps this is because doing so would require more particulars than generals.
With these concerns documented, I still say this is a good book. I'd love to find one better. It will be a helpful tool for discerning counselors and pastors.
September 4, 2023
One of the best Christian books I've ever read, if not the best practical Biblical advice book I've ever read. Our world would probably be much better if this book was read by all head, women's, and family pastors.
It's a slow burn and is a little slower to get to consequences than is comfortable for my hotter head, but does a wonderful job of fully focusing on the empowering the abused spouse to take control. This book is written in a Biblical framework but fully understands the reality that many churches are weak and not willing to execute Biblical church discipline. Vernick gives victims of emotional abuse the tools to galvanize a church into action when possible and leave a church when they are too weak to address the sin of their abusing members.
It's a slow burn and is a little slower to get to consequences than is comfortable for my hotter head, but does a wonderful job of fully focusing on the empowering the abused spouse to take control. This book is written in a Biblical framework but fully understands the reality that many churches are weak and not willing to execute Biblical church discipline. Vernick gives victims of emotional abuse the tools to galvanize a church into action when possible and leave a church when they are too weak to address the sin of their abusing members.
January 2, 2021
Finally! A marriage book that actually helps and doesn’t just tell you to pray harder, love harder, communicate better, blah blah blah blah blah...been there done all that.
This takes a look at real, hard marriages where the spouse does not have a change of heart and is unwilling to change. This book doesn’t feed into the husband’s ego of having the perfect wife who bows down to his every wish and whim, demanding if the wife would simply be more submissive then everything will magically workout.
The author lays out steps on how to stay in an unhealthy marriage and how to stay well if you choose to stay, how to separate well if this is the next step you are at in your marriage with basic reasons for separating as well as rules for separation, and she also sheds light on the topic of, is divorce biblical as a last resort.
The stories she shared of women who stayed for the sake of their children and then later regretted their decision bc they now see their adult children repeating the same cycle by either being victims or abusers themselves in their marriages was impactful.
This takes a look at real, hard marriages where the spouse does not have a change of heart and is unwilling to change. This book doesn’t feed into the husband’s ego of having the perfect wife who bows down to his every wish and whim, demanding if the wife would simply be more submissive then everything will magically workout.
The author lays out steps on how to stay in an unhealthy marriage and how to stay well if you choose to stay, how to separate well if this is the next step you are at in your marriage with basic reasons for separating as well as rules for separation, and she also sheds light on the topic of, is divorce biblical as a last resort.
The stories she shared of women who stayed for the sake of their children and then later regretted their decision bc they now see their adult children repeating the same cycle by either being victims or abusers themselves in their marriages was impactful.
October 6, 2022
Maybe you’ve reached out for help for your painful marriage and been told, “Marriage isn’t meant to make you happy, it’s to make you holy.” 😐
Or perhaps you’ve been duct-tape slapped with this gem: “Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.” 😑
If you have been silenced by unkind, unbiblical, and unhelpful advice such as this, you may find Leslie Vernick’s book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, to be a huge sigh of relief.
This book will guide you through helpful quizzes to determine if your relationship is normal, emotionally immature, or outright destructive. Vernick’s no-nonsense approach helps break through the cloud of confusion caused by toxic relationships and toxic counsel as she leads you through wise, practical steps to take towards safety and healing.
If you are a ministry leader or people helper searching for trauma-informed resources in helping women who are struggling in your community, this book is an excellent place to start.
Or perhaps you’ve been duct-tape slapped with this gem: “Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.” 😑
If you have been silenced by unkind, unbiblical, and unhelpful advice such as this, you may find Leslie Vernick’s book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, to be a huge sigh of relief.
This book will guide you through helpful quizzes to determine if your relationship is normal, emotionally immature, or outright destructive. Vernick’s no-nonsense approach helps break through the cloud of confusion caused by toxic relationships and toxic counsel as she leads you through wise, practical steps to take towards safety and healing.
If you are a ministry leader or people helper searching for trauma-informed resources in helping women who are struggling in your community, this book is an excellent place to start.
October 31, 2020
It can feel scary to even pick up a book with a title like this. But, if you are a woman in a relationship that makes you wonder if you should read this book, you should read this book. (men could benefit from this, but it is primarily directed to women).
The author compares disappointing marriages to destructive marriages, encourages you to consider how you can change things in your situation when you cannot change your husband, and gives you lots of things to think about and action steps. There is not one recommended path forward, but this book will help you feel more equipped to move forward in whatever direction you feel called to take. The author is both a counsellor and a Christian, which combine for a very interesting perspective.
Reading this helped me to be more aware of some of my own destructive tendencies, as well as how to respond to them.
The author compares disappointing marriages to destructive marriages, encourages you to consider how you can change things in your situation when you cannot change your husband, and gives you lots of things to think about and action steps. There is not one recommended path forward, but this book will help you feel more equipped to move forward in whatever direction you feel called to take. The author is both a counsellor and a Christian, which combine for a very interesting perspective.
Reading this helped me to be more aware of some of my own destructive tendencies, as well as how to respond to them.
February 22, 2021
This book is written to help women work through the tough decisions that they face when dealing with emotionally abusive marriages. It has a very helpful quiz in the first chapter to help women discern if their marriage is destructive or merely disappointing. As a man who has been emotionally abusive, this book helped me really understand the depths of pain I caused my wife. The second part of the book helps women wrestle through how to build up themselves and prepare for difficult confrontations of an abusive spouse. The final section of the book provides advice for wives and husbands on how to replace their destructive relationship with one that is more healthy and truly loving. Reading this as a man who wants to reconcile with the wife I emotionally abused was convicting and transformative, especially in light of the author’s biblical support.
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