The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts

The 5 Love Languages

by Gary Chapman, Jocelyn Green

Marriage is hard enough for the everyday civilian. But imagine marriage when you’re separated by thousands of miles . . . when one of you daily faces the dangers of combat . . . while the other shoulders all the burden of home-front duties. Add to that unpredictable schedules, frequent moves, and the challenge of reintegration, and it’s no wonder military marriages are under stress.

Guided by input from dozens of military couples in all stages of their careers, authors Gary Chapman and former military wife Jocelyn Green offer you an unparalleled tool for navigating these challenges. Adapted from #1 New York Time bestseller The 5 Love Languages, this military edition helps heal broken relationships and strengthen healthy ones.

With an updated Q&A section specific to military marriages, stories of how military couples have adapted the five love languages to their unique lifestyles, and tips for expressing love when you’re miles away, The 5 Love Languages Military Edition will take you on a well-worn path to marital joy, even as you face the pressures of serving your country.

The challenges of military marriages are unique, but they don’t have to hinder love. Learn how to keep yours healthy and flourishing.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Military Fiction, Relationships, Marriage, Love, Christian

224 pages, Paperback

Published September 1, 2013

About the author

Gary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.

Reviews

[Tara Siefring · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great

I'm very skeptical when reading self help books because everyone has their own opinion to solving a problem. However this book was very logical and in a way, methodical. Many magazines and "how to make your husband talk more"-internet-type articles are do vague. This book provided step by step precise ways to solve martial issues. Not only that but also how to measure your success in your effort. At first it was very hard for me to process this book because I am technically still in the "in love" stage. My love tank right now is very full. However I'm currently experiencing my first deployment with my husband and have realized how this may/may not affect our marriage. I think using the techniques in this book could prevent us from the same tragic fate other marriages have come to because of the effects of military on our marriages. I will be sure to keep this book in mind for homecoming.

[Kristal · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read the original book when I was first married and I really like it. I picked this one up because my husband was gone so often this year I wanted to get some advice that was military specific and I didn't really feel like there was a whole lot that was new from the original. I think I was hoping for some sort of magic trick to make separations easier, but let's be real, it just stinks. So, maybe three stars is harsh because my expectations were too high. If you are military and haven't read the original, read this one.

[Bryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is every bit as good as the original and in many ways better. As you can surmise from the title, this book is specific to military service members and their loved ones and it definitely delivers.

My expectations when I picked this book up were not great. I expected a shell of the original love languages book with some bolt on additions specific to military culture. I was pleasantly surprised when I began reading and found that this book is a complete reworking with pointed examples and vignettes designed for military families.

Additionally, this book confronts some of the most important and significant barriers to relationship maintenance such as, frequent deployments, periods of absence, reintegration, loss if intimacy, and (of course) PTSD.

This book is a must have for military couples and for practitioners who work with these couples.

[Isabel · Rating 3 out of 5]

So... As happens more and more often the older I get, I can't remember why I wanted to read this book. But at some point, I was sufficiently interested that I put it on my "hold" list at the library. This week it arrived. It appears to be a brand new copy, so I think this one was ordered based on my request so many months ago.

I'm a military spouse (why else would I read this book?) and I suspect that I was in one of my "this lifestyle is weird and challenging, what's out there to help military families?" modes. And, well, there's this book.

Six years ago (thanks, Goodreads, for giving me a place to record this stuff), I read The 5 Love Languages for Children based on a recommendation by a friend. (I must've been in my "parenting is weird and challenging, what's out there to help parents" mode.) ;-) That book was moderately helpful, but I found the tone irritating and the references decidedly dated.

But this iteration of the love languages is decidedly different.

Unlike lots of material recommended to military families, this one actually takes into account that there are female active duty members! That earned this book a star all by itself. It also accounted for several branches of the military. In passing, it mentions PTSD, not because PTSD is unimportant but because Chapman admits (and I will acknowledge, sometimes he goes a bit heavy on his confidence in his relationship fixing powers) that this is a complicated topic and people should research more fully from more knowledgeable sources. (He even lists a few.) So there was a wee bit of humility in this book that was absent his others.

How useful is this book? Pretty useful. If only because as he says at one point (I'm paraphrasing, here) when we take the time to list things, it allows us to focus on them more clearly and give them conscious thought. This book is one big list of ways that we can appreciate each other, ways that forgetting to connect can be damaging and reassurance that it's all fixable but that it takes time and persistence. All nice reminders.

I've been a mil spouse for almost two decades. I noticed a lot of people recommend this book for newlyweds. Maybe. But I think it's great for those of us that have been with this outfit for a while and have discovered that staying connected when we are physically apart is not a given. When you get to my stage in the game, you see plenty of people working on their second or third marriages. Or you see people who are single because the strain of the military was too much for some couples to withstand. Add to this the difficulty of families with older children who have decided to have the military spouse be a "geo-bachelor" so kids can finish high school in the same place they started, and the challenges of deployment take on a different level of difficulty when the separation is somewhat voluntary and lasts for several years.

There's something sobering about seeing the ratio of time together to time apart is almost equal (depending on where I choose to stop and start the count). It's perfectly normal that this should impact my connection to my spouse, no matter how committed and caring we are. It requires loving someone from afar which is a different animal than snuggling up next to him at the end of a long day.

This book also takes into account the different cultures of military v. civilian life. The life-or-death nature of this line of work means that communication can be brusque, impersonal and directive. Not-so-compatible with conversations outside of work. Chapman recognizes that this contrast is hard on both the active duty member and the spouse that is not in the military. (Actually, it may be hard for dual mil couples as well. Even though they know why they do it, it may be harder to break out of it.)

While I recognize that Chapman has made something of an industry of retooling his 5 languages for a variety of audiences, I think he did a nice job with this one. Pairing up with Jocelyn Green (I'm not sure why she's an expert in military spouse life. I can't see that she was ever one, though she has been a journalist), allowed a focus on military life that I felt was useful. Those little lists of ways to be stay connected through the 5 languages when you are separated due to deployments of just plan work-related travel were pretty good. Sure, I've seen them in lots of little flyers distributed at pre-deployment workshops, but they were nicely packaged and reasonably current (lots of that MWR stuff was from when smartphones were unheard of and the internet was novel).

As for the Christian bent... it's in there. It's not distracting, though, and it supports the overall point which is that love is worth it. If you're not a believer in the importance of the love piece, then this book really can't do much for your relationship regardless of your faith (or lack of one). There are lots of references to chaplains and since they are religious leaders who also offer support to military families, the Christian part makes sense from that angle as well. However, it seems to me that the approach is a lot like that of most military chaplains in 2017: fairly inclusive and cognizant of the fact that there are many ways to worship. So, the religious thing did not get in the way of the message, IMO.

Having seen so many marriages flounder over the years and so many couples break up under the pressure of separations and estrangement that can follow, not to mention he professional demands of a military career, I think this book could very well be a resource for a lot of military couples, not just newlyweds. It might not be The Answer for everyone, but it offers hope and a few harmless (and potentially very helpful) ways to practice loving the person you are married to--and I mean practice like a yoga practice. Chapman unabashedly says, "it takes work" and he manages to convey this as a good thing that is worth it, unlike the romanticized unicorn and rainbow love that is so fun to focus on at the beginning of a relationship and in the entertainment industry. Somehow he makes this point without making commitment seem fusty and lame. That alone is a pretty big accomplishment.

At times, Chapman still shows just how unusual the military life is, when he misses the point. His advice to a spouse who was concerned about how to "speak" his wife's language even though their quality time was inevitably interrupted by calls on his cell phone was a case-in-point. Chapman says, "Don't pick it up if it isn't work related." For those of us who have been awakened at all hours by multiple calls about work related concerns and who know that there are days that you really can't get more than a few hours together before someone is calling from the ship, the advice to avoid calls that are just from military buddies was way off-the-mark. Sometimes (depending on the job) military life is like being an on-call doctor; you can't ignore the calls and they are intrusive on your family life. Period.

I also just read a review by a submarine spouse, and I can see how this wouldn't necessarily be that useful for that kind of deployment. So Chapman's book doesn't meet everyone's needs.

But overall, yeah, I'd recommend this one.

[Kristin Wickham · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the lists of ideas for things to do while deployed but overall I felt like it fell flat. You’re probably better off just reading the original book. I did find out my love language has changed!

[Madeline · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought it would discuss more about the unpredictability and distance in these types of relationships. There was some parts of it that did but I was expecting it to be a little more tailored.

[Kelly Greaves · Rating 4 out of 5]

Am I a military wife? No.😆Am I desperate for books where I am? Yes. Bloomin' enjoyed this and surprised it was still so relevant. Love reading more about love languages

[Alia Vollstedt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed this book. Similar to his other books on the 5 love languages. As a military spouse, I had hoped for more ways to apply to daily life with sometimes coming second to the Army and dealing with constant TDY vs special considerations during deployments.

[Catalina · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very inspiring quote which pretty much sums up the objective: "Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future different."
While reading it, in my subconscious I was continuously kind of denying the whole idea that something so complex as love could ever be classified by whatever criterion and poorly by considering what we as individuals understand out of it. And told myself, yeah, this book would probably end up placing individuals in each and every class, due to how complex we are as human beings and blah blah blah.
Surprisingly, it didn't. A nice example was about a man who identified himself in two categories, one of which firstly stated as dominant: when asked what he would find most disturbing, he specified the other, so that was actually what he perceived as love, more of not doing the don'ts than doing the do's from his language.
It is a quite interesting approach on human beings in general and easy to follow, which I recommend for a relaxing reading session.

[Yasmin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read Chapman’s original The 5 Love Languages and really enjoyed it. With a boyfriend in the military I found that some of the original raised questions with me - with my primary love language being physical touch, and my secondary being quality time, how can I deal with his future deployment? Seeing this book I was excited, but I was so disappointed with how little information it held. Literally whole chapters of this book is a copy and paste from the original. I was able to skip at least 15 sections of this book purely because it was word-by-word the exact same! The parts that were useful were few and far between - merely paragraphs amongst what I had already read in his previous book. I really recommend that people read this book first or choose not to read it at all because this book is literally 80% of the original - waste of money if you ask me.

[Jenny Peeples · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was difficult for me to focus on what was being said in the book because I was so distracted by the author's boastful tone of self importance. I felt like it was redundant when compared to the original 5 Love Languages and didn't have as much military-spouse applications as I would have liked. I think the quiz at the end of the book is helpful if you and your spouse are having difficulty meeting each others needs and expectations. Do yourself a favor and skip the pages full of bragging and just take the quizzes.

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my goodness this is one of the best books I've ever read! Sure it's the Military Edition, inclined to address the unique relationships of military couples, but the very valuable insights and suggestions are extremely helpful for any individual and couple.
Never heard of this series before but I could recognize our sons love languages as I read through this and now know there is an edition addressed to enrich kids by understanding their language, too.
Very valuable book. Every one should read, anytime, even prior to beginning a relationship.

[Melissa Colby · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this as part of our Women’s Bible Study on base and was not impressed at all. He obviously does not have a complete understanding of the military which is the selling point of a book that is supposedly catering to the military. The concept of love languages is good to think about in your marriage but it is not the only aspect and the book places too much emphasis on them for the success or failure of a marriage. Also, not a huge fan of the love tank analogy which is throughout the book. Overall, decent idea but lots of flaws.

[Carrie Daws · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's been a long time since I've read the original 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, so this was a refreshing re-read that reminded me of many of the finer details I've forgotten. But I was impressed with this version for military couples. Not only is every example in the book from a military family, but the authors added in great suggestions to help spouses cover deployments. This book is definitely an asset to military marriages who want to do more than just survive their active duty time.

[Samantha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Maybe it's because I'm in the field of psychology, but I found the language of this book to be very patronizing. Another major issue was religion popping its head in.

However, the concept behind this book is still sound. I truly appreciate the suggestions for military couples especially with deployment. And I look forward to using what I've learned from this in the future as my relationship with my husband moves forward.

[YT · Rating 2 out of 5]

The main message could have been delivered faster and with more examples of military life. If you already read the original version you wont gain much; if you still want to read this go straight to the "decoding" part after each love language..this is the most valuable part and could of easily been offered for free on a website.

[Erica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’ve read the original edition a time or two before and this felt like the same except like he did a control F and just put the word “military” in before the word couple. The deployment suggestions were okay but not very realistic in my experience as an 8 year service member. Overall, it’s a quick read and does give you things to think about.

[Machaia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Connor and I read this one together. It wasn't perfect, but it was a great jumping off point for us to have some really good conversations. And the author did a surprisingly good job of modifying it for his intended audience. I feel like these "tweak the book for a specific audience" attempts aren't always as successful.

[Cynthia Negron · Rating 5 out of 5]

Second time reading and glad I reread it. I picked up on some stuff I missed the first time. It's a good read and helpful, even on recruiting duty. Def a book to keep coming back to.

[Tim Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for working on marriage while being in the military and the demand that the service puts on it.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great little gem for better understanding how to communicate love toward your spouse, especially when your communication style for love, aka, your love language, is communicated in a different way (which is often the case with couples.) He also talks about the struggles couples may have when *both* have the same love language yet they “speak different dialects” which I didn’t know was a thing, until I actually read the book (I have known about the 5 love languages for years and thought I understood it, but having read the book helped me really understand it more in depth.

As far as the military aspect of this book, I would say this wasn’t a book with a heavy military focus (which I appreciate, as some military focused self-help books/devotionals act as if military families are thinking of their military status day in and day out...which is simply not the case.) So, it’s not a like each anecdote is focusing on a military couple, but the end of each chapter does acknowledge the particular stresses military families face (deployments, frequent moves, long and sometimes unpredictable work hours, etc.) I appreciate that because love languages such as quality time and physical touch are harder to navigate during extended separations. I think this would even be a great read for couples whose spouse is in an occupation like pilot, truck driver, traveling nurse, offshoreman, etc. I’m not sure if the original 5 Love Languages incorporates the variable of separations by distance due to occupation but if not, I’d recommend this book for someone whose spouse is in that field. As I said, it’s not a very heavy military focus (or I should say, it’s not as heavy as I have seen in other military specific self-help books!) so it can be interpreted really by anyone familiar with frequent or long separations due to their job.

[Pamela Hatch · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gary Chapman is well known for his publications surrounding what he calls The 5 Love Languages. This edition written with Jocelyn Green takes the same 5 Love Languages and gives examples of military lives, marriages, relationships, and problems which can be different due to intense work, physical separation, and trauma. Recommended.

Basically everyone wants and needs love and affection. If we don't have it in our lives to the degree that we want it, we will search for it and sometimes create it where it doesn't really exist. This causes bad decisions, leads to bad or broken relationships, and most of the time we don't realize we are doing it. Chapman explains that there are 5 Love Languages and you need to know what your love language is and what the language of your spouse/relationship is. Rarely are the languages the same...so this creates a language barrier that you need to study, identify, and implement to keep the "love tank" full so that the relationship has fewer bumps and more of a chance to succeed and grow stronger. I'm not going to give away the 5 Love Languages...it is worth picking up any edition and reading them for your self.

[Tamara A. · Rating 3 out of 5]

For the most part this is a good read. Far too often though he seems to always equate "combat" and issues with PTSD as only being the husband in the military marriage. Women veterans and currently serving women often feel our service in the military is minimized or out right ignored. We are perceived as invisible and not really "in the military". He also doesn't address issues of adult survivors of childhood abuse that people bring into the marriage. Maybe that subject deserves another book depending on the type of childhood abuse that now adult received.

One final item...if one spouse is abusing the other in any way...that marriage is done. Don't try to "fix it". The abusing spouse will only change his/her behavior long enough for the abused to let his/her guard down and think no one else is watching. Yet on more than one occasion he seems to have encouraged abused spouses to stay in that relationship to try and fix the behavior by doing whatever the abusing spouse wants to make the abuser happy. Just no.

[Cover Lover Book Review · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m a sucker for the entire series of love languages books. I think I’ve read them all and learned a bit from each edition. The 5 Love Languages Military Edition is especially dear to me. I grew up in the military (USAF), and then my husband (also USAF) raised our children in the same environment.

Being part of the military family is unique in many ways, and I’m happy this book focuses on this.

One of the things this book deals with that can be especially difficult for those in the military (or with loved ones in the military) is the long-distance relationships and physical separations. Another is trauma of war, etc.

This is a special book that reveals and showcases the distinctiveness of military life, love, and language. There are some instances where I questioned the author’s full or deep understanding of military life, but only a few. As a whole, I found this a helpful resource.

Dɪsᴄʟᴏsᴜʀᴇ: I ʀᴇᴄᴇɪᴠᴇᴅ ᴀ ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟɪᴍᴇɴᴛᴀʀʏ ᴄᴏᴘʏ ᴏғ ᴛʜɪs ʙᴏᴏᴋ. Mʏ ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ᴡᴀs ɴᴏᴛ ɪɴғʟᴜᴇɴᴄᴇᴅ.

[Timothy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book was helpful in elaborating on Chapman's belief in the five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, or acts of service. He provides many good examples of applications and how these languages are seen in action. Love is a verb, and this categorization of actions is helpful to quantify and specify what might make be more effective in articulating your love to a special person. The cultivation of that common language could be very useful for eliminating communication barriers. If nothing else, the examples he gives throughout the text seems to point towards spouses being more explicit and less emotional in their communication with one another...something I imagine most people, particularly men, would greatly appreciate. I am curious if there are any situations where couples have NOT identified with a clear language OR were unable to reach a resolution. Though I don't suspect a book espousing the benefits and effectiveness of this thought framework would admit it has any fallacy or fault. Still, good book for perspective.

[Rachel Rutherford Macy · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I have read the original 5 Love Languages book in high school, this particular edition was given to me as a wedding gift. And though it is marketed as the Military Edition of the 5 Love Languages, it’s really not that different from the original text. There are helpful questions and some stories of military couples, but that’s the only evidence of military life. This is still a great resource for military couples if they have not already read or are familiar with the 5LL concepts, but all in all it is 90% the same content. Dr. Chapman is a great writer and makes a strong case for learning how to speak and receive love within your own marriage, yet I’m dissatisfied with the lack of military flavor for which the book is so clearly meant for. Jocelyn Green, who is credited as an author for this edition, is never specifically recognized in the text and we never get to hear the experience she is supposedly bringing to the table.

[Stevie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this for free prior to a deployment roughly a decade ago. I immediately shelved and never read it until recently. To be frank, I was not eager to read it at all. I almost loathed the idea. However, I am not the type to get rid of a book without reading it. In turn, I had at it.

I cannot say everything was totally new to me. However, the articulation, repetition, which seemed tedious at times, and simplified language in the book really beat home the ideas in it. To clarify, the way it is written made it easy to retain everything in the long term. Moreover, it was real easy to comprehend that I am a touchy feely, words of affirmation, and quality time person. Whereas, my wife is an acts of service, quality time, and touchy feely type. It feels cheesy, to some extent, writing it. However, the book has essential content, which everyone should know, in it and sound advice on how to deal with love languages.

[Christine · Rating 1 out of 5]

Literally a copy and paste money grab from an arrogant author.

The fact that Chapman isn't in the military nor is he in a military relationship should have been the first red flag.

I don't know what was worse, the author's painful boasting about how brilliant he was for developing this concept or how the only "military" specific advice was delivered in little end if chapter exercises (how many times have we heard the idea for "open when" letters?)

Overall, this already small book was much longer than it needed to be as the concepts are very basic yet the author just repeats and repeats and repeats...

I would have settled for 3 stars but the final example he gave of the woman in a verbally abusive relations ship (where he pulled out the prayer and scripture for his answer) pushed me over the edge.

[Jessica Yob · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve previously read the original 5 Love Languages twice, once prior to and once after marrying my current Active Duty Army husband and learned a little more about myself and him. When I learned there was a Military specific version I didn’t hesitate to read it a 3rd time. There are some of the same stories that are in the original version as to be expected but the additional nuances to active duty life were great. It was also reassuring to realize that my husband and I do a lot of the things Dr Chapman recommended for expressing love languages while the soldier is gone. I’m grateful for the reminder to be more intentional so my husband, who just happens to currently be gone for work, feels the love myself and our children have for him even while he is gone.

[Kiara Klein · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mr. Chapman's insights on relationships and the ideology of people having a "love tank" is profound and thought-provoking. He provides healthy ways to connect with your loved one in the preferred "love language(s)." I did, however, find his language quite gender-specific, which led me to think that some of his teachings may come off a tad sexist. His examples in the book seemed very heteronormative to me, and I found that indicative of a potential basis or a lack of experience outside of this spectrum. Overall, Mr. Chapman's work is concise and enjoyable. If anything, it helps one consider the feelings of their significant other and seems to have helped many couples.