Loves God Likes Girls: A Memoir

by Sally Gary

For many Christians who experience same-sex attraction, reconciling faith and homosexuality is a lonely and painful journey. LOVES GOD LIKES GIRLS--A MEMOIR is one woman's recollection of her journey, allowing faith to plunge her into deeper discovery of the truth about her sexuality. No other issue has been more divisive in families and in faith communities than homosexuality. Rather than providing ''cookie-cutter'' answers as to why someone experiences same-sex attraction and how to ''make it go away,'' Loves God Likes Girls simply explores one woman's perspective on the multitude of experiences over a lifetime that impact the development of sexuality. Sally Gary's story offers hope and redemption for families torn apart by this issue. Through stories, Sally shares some of the painful and confusing lies she grew up believing about herself that shaped her views of femininity and her ability to form healthy relationships with both men and women. The book emphasizes that those who experience same-sex attraction need safe places to explore questions, to find community, and to grow deeper in relationship with God.

Genres: Memoir, Christian, Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer

240 pages, Paperback

First published April 28, 2013

Reviews

[Jennifer V. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was ecstatic the day that I scanned the 2013 Pepperdine Bible Lectureship catalog and saw that a woman named Sally Gary would be speaking on homosexuality. Like many other churches, the independent Churches of Christ tend to limit discussion on this controversial topic to a few pronouncements against it, never addressing the problems many congregations face: how to reach out to homosexual non-Christians, and how to encourage fellow Christians struggling with “same-sex attraction.”

Coming clean about her own situation, Gary opened the door wide for church-of-christers to have open and honest discussions about these issues. Her book Loves God, Likes Girls: A Memoir (Leafwood, 2013), released in time for the lectures, is an introduction to what most Christians would see as a completely foreign world of homosexual desire, even if they’ve experienced many of the same sorts of things that apparently drove Gary in that direction: a male-oriented church, a father who despised any signs of weakness or femininity, a learned sense of shame about one’s female sex organs and menstruation, etc.

In Gary’s childhood world, men were abusive and incompetent, yet got all the perks in life. To make it worse, as a maturing young woman, she believed herself ugly, undesirable to the opposite sex, and unable to succeed at “womanly” things. As Gary notes, sometimes it’s easier to live a “masculine persona” than to fail miserably at being a girl. Her fantasy of a perfect life took shape: life would be better if she could just be a boy. However, Gary has concluded that an active homosexual lifestyle is not the direction in which God wants her to go. So she aims to live virtuously even while continuing to struggle with loneliness and “same-sex attraction.”

Gary is not dogmatic. She doesn’t try to present her experience as the “typical” one. Nor does she recommend any “quick fix” solutions. (She admits to hot having them.) She merely wants to share her story and, through her ministry CenterPeace, create opportunities for discussion and community. Many people face the same temptations she has. Families and churches are continually being torn apart over homosexuality. While Loves God, Likes Girls: A Memoir isn’t the smoothest read – Gary is a better speaker, in my opinion – the book has cleared the way for more confession and greater acceptance in the churches of Christ.

[Nancy Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sally Gary grew up in the 1960s in a church-going family. Her mother was loving and attentive, her father brought home gifts and built her a treehouse. But her home was also a place of turmoil and fear -- her mother was overprotective and hard to please, her father flew into unpredictable rages and then punished the family with cold silent treatments that lasted for weeks. It was a place of secrets, a place where it wasn't safe to be yourself. Outside the home, Sally suffered mean kids and bullies, rejections from boyfriends, the fickleness of friends.

From her childhood, Sally fashioned a few gut-level truths: that men are scary and unpredictable; that women are loving and kind; that she wasn't smart, pretty or desirable and she didn't fit in anywhere; that boys have a better life than girls; that she would have been better off as a boy.

Today, Sally Gary sees that these truths are, in fact, lies. But she says that she lives "in the tension" between what she's been told all her life about homosexuality (in the church) and how she has experienced it. She doesn't know whether same-sex attraction is biological or conditioned or both. But "it's insensitive to think that someone could 'just stop doing that,'" she writes. Yet she wants to know God's truth and she is still searching for it.

Ms. Gary writes in unadorned and evocative sentences. She gets the tone of the times just right -- Bonnie Bell lip smackers, Niagara spray starch, Dark Shadows... I was there! Her honest struggles immerse readers in what might be new ways of thinking. She believes same-sex attraction isn't about the sex as much as it is about longing for soul-deep connection and fending off the despair of loneliness. I appreciate any author, like Ms. Gary, who can talk about this issue in nuanced ways, especially those within the church.

[Jennifer]

I was not expecting this to be from a "Side B" perspective, so I was a little bit off-balance through the whole thing, but it was a compelling story well told, and I think it's an important perspective to keep in mind.

[Cindy Navarro · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an honest look at Sally Gary's life and some of the factors that may, or may not, have played a role in her attraction to women. When I was offered the chance to read this, I had doubts I could fully relate to her story, but was hoping for a greater understanding. First off, this is a woman I could definitely be friends with since we have quite a bit in common. She also has an engaging writing style that kept my attention and the things she had to say stayed with me. Actually, there were times I would read how she felt and think, "Me too...but I have never had an attraction to another woman." Admittedly, she had some very bizarre encounters with males in leadership who abused their authority, but did that make a difference?

In fact, there are no definite answers offered. The author does provide answers of ways that a Christian can be more compassionate and willing to listen and the benefits of a strong support group. As a single woman, I certainly understand the lonliness she sometimes feels, and it isn't something you always feel comfortable sharing within a church setting. There are Singles groups that provides a safe haven for some, but how many are welcoming to those who struggle with homosexuality? I would have liked to have had a few more answers on having a safe place for a civil discussion, and her struggles as an adult. On the other hand, too many authors are willing to share way more detail than I want to know. I do recommend this book to others as the chance to get to know someone who struggles with an attraction that she honestly feels is against God's will. We all have them, but there is no doubt that this is an issue that can cause outrage no matter what your belief system or personal experience. I wish I could give it a 4.5 stars; I really liked this book.

I was given a copy of this book by New Leaf Publishing Group in hopes I would give a fair and honest review. There was no compensation and all opinions are my own.

[Bledar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honest and heartfelt. Her concept about the lies that come into someone's life and finding an identity in God or Christian community is hopeful. While I believe that the church should hold to the biblical standard for sexuality, we need to grow in our grace of reaching those who struggle with the proper expression of their sexuality.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nonmemorable memory memoir, kid with orientation (and probably gender identity) issues from a very young age who wants to be "good." Writing is ok. Nothing memorable or unique, and in the end just feel sorry for her. I just saw that this book was from 2013 - my guess is that by now she is no longer writing about her "struggles with same sex attraction" and hopefully by now has found a way to not hate herself/try to "fix" herself, and maybe even some love. At some point here you just start feeling bad for how masochistic she is. Also, for those looking for this kind of memoir, the vast majority of it is about various shitty fathers/stepfathers etc...not really focused on gender issues.

Anyway, clearly I don't come from a small fundamentalist W Texas town, but I wish Gary had been more able to describe what that was like so that I could have a little more empathy/insight. I am pretty much your classic liberal coastal elite, and I was hoping for something that showed me the pull of staying - family, roots, the sense of community - in those kind of communities. Help me understand.

Note: See that she later wrote another book, now is married to a woman, and finally seems to be doing something to help people. (Not telling them that I might actually read that one and enjoy it. I think I would like that more mature perspective.)

[Kevin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is kind of a bizarre gay memoir because it doesn't even mention LGBTQ+ issues until literally halfway into the book. The first half starts to feel like the author is explaining detail about her childhood and adolescence to explain why she's gay, which she later says contributed to her being gay but isn't the whole story. The author also ends up taking the stance that homosexual relationships aren't God's plan for anyone, implying that she's going to be celibate, but she's written a subsequent memoir about her marriage to a woman. So at best, it's a memoir of a life in transition. That all makes it pretty confusing. While there are engaging moments and interesting stories, it feels like a lot is left unsaid. She describes episodes of psychotic rage her father would slip into, and while they later restore their relationship, there's never any explanation of what was going on. There's a lot of frustration with growing up in a church that rejects LGBTQ+ people and a society that didn't even allow conversation, but little of the work to address that (which seems helpful, given the end of the book pitches her nonprofit that does that work; perhaps that's her second memoir?). I finished it, so it had enough of a voice for that, but an all around frustrating read.

[Cristi Schwamb · Rating 4 out of 5]

With such a detailed retelling of her childhood, I grew to love Sally Gary as a person long before the book started to explore any issues of sexuality or same-sex attraction. When she did address those issues, I could see them through her eyes -- theological issues to struggle with instead of just an impersonal black/white issue. A very thought provoking book and well worth the time spent reading it.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Couldn’t put this down. This is a Christian view of Same-Sex Attraction. Lawyer Sally Gary is articulate, interesting, engaging. The eventual communication between herself and her parents is strong, and a lesson for any person suffering from adult problems brought on by childhood trauma. That she and her mother “stuck it out” in the face of her dad’s unpredictable rages shows the power of love, the power of prayer. I was blessed by the candor of this story.

[Lori Neff · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fine book. I didn't care for the writing style - not really my preference.
I appreciated her honesty at the end of the book and I would have loved to have gotten there sooner... and spend more time on the tension and questions.

[Lady Brainsample · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very moving memoir. It's interesting to see how the author's views have evolved over time since this book while never abandoning the objective of having useful, loving discussions on these matters.

[Donna Mork · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memoir of a woman who struggles with discovering she is gay. She recounts her childhood and events that contributed to her confusion and how she is dealing with the issues in her adult life. She has founded a group that helps others deal with similar situations.

[Eriksen Ravey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved how this book did not give many answers. I expected the book to make some sort of major claims about what it means to be a sexual minority and a Christian, but the author offered none of that. It was just a declaration of personhood.

[Lauren Schenk · Rating 1 out of 5]

i was all about it until the end where it reveals she believes having a bad dad made her gay and she runs a conversion therapy organization

[Karen Gibson · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author, Sally Gary, presented a seminar at our church on Christians with same sex attraction. This memoir expands on her story. Thank you Sally for sharing a perspective that Christians need to hear.

[Graham Bates · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sally Gary pens a heart-felt memoir which is much more about her life than her sexuality. Gary's purpose is less a theological treatment of homosexuality - either for or against - but more a glimpse into the brokenness of her life and how these feelings fit. Because she doesn't fit the predetermined box each side tries to define as mutually exclusive of the other, this memoir is more remarkable - and brave - for what it doesn't include: certainty on the question, "Is homosexuality in any form acceptable to God?" I call it brave because neither side will find it acceptable. That's why I appreciate Loves God, Likes Girls so much. It's a conversation starter, not a polemic in order to shut down the other side.

[Shawna · Rating 5 out of 5]

The more I really listen to what God says, the more I'm learning that 1) not everything is as easy as "black-and-white, and 2) the church needs to learn how to deal-honestly and compassionately-with people who struggle. Specifically, the issue of same-sex attraction, which Sally Gary writes about in this book. From her book, we read one woman's journey as a believer who struggles. It is because of her belief that the Church needs to be a safe place for people that struggle, that she shares her struggles. Poignant, sad, but redeeming. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn how to deal with people in a better way.

[Joan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book about a Christian who struggles with same sex attraction. She tells of her Sunday School teaching angry father. She shares events in her life that built up a distrust for men. In the end, she has no answers. She knows Scripture, what God requires. She knows what she feels. She hopes that by sharing her story there will be others who will not feel so alone. She has established a nonprofit ministry, a safe place for people to have a conversation about same-sex attraction. See my full review at http://bit.ly/19MRjPy.

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honest and at times heart-wrenching, Sally Gary delves deeply into the personal experiences that shaped her life. Like many books of its kind, the fact that it's a memoir is often overlooked and, as such, should not be used even anecdotally of the LGBT experience. The last two or three chapters, however, should be read by those seeking to better understand the complicated dynamic of faith and orientation.

[Dan Bow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sally Gary does an excellent job writing her memoir in such a way that encourages the reader to think deeply about why some people develop same sex attraction. I enjoyed her memories for another reason, too. She is roughly the same age as me and grew up in the Church of Christ as I did, too; so, I could really relate to lots of experiences that she had in regard to our era and the cultural things associated with the Church of Christ.

[Seth Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This book will make you think. Easy choice for the five star rating. Even if you aren't interested in the topic of homosexuality, which at this point in our history I don't see how you couldn't be; but if you aren't, read it and learn how she reflects on her childhood and how her upbringing informed her way of belief as an adult. You'll read it and say, "I've been there before..." At the very least, you'll reflect on how your own childhood has brought you to who you are today.

[Abigail · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book would expressly be about dealing with homosexuality and being a Christian. Instead it focused more on the author's life and the events that shaped her sexuality. I felt bad for her and some of the things she had to deal with. It was an interesting look into the thoughts and feelings of someone with same sex attraction and I recommend it.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought Sally's book at a conference this weekend and read it in just a few hours. It is extremely readable and I can hear her voice as I read her words. Such a sweet, sweet Christian sister...her story is not over and I look forward to hearing more from Sally.

[Charlie Malcolm · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was very much a memoir, but I bought the book expecting it to be mostly about the struggle. It was mostly about growing up in the church, which was interesting, but not what I picked the book up for. I still would recommend it, just with the caution of what you're getting.

[Bill Buckingham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very Engaging Read

Sally provides a fresh perspective which has caused me to reexamine my views on sexuality and spirituality. Sally deals candidly and gracefully on the subject of same sex attraction. I highly recommend this book.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciate the honesty of this work and admire the courage to write it.

[Jim Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This tremendous book helped me see a complex issue in a new light. The power is in the author's honesty, vulnerability, and clear commitment to her faith.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, helpful